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BooksandTrees

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19 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Alright, here's a fucking rant.

FUCK THE BOSTON BRUINS.

I'm so tired of watching fucking sports and especially this fucking team. Sports is the biggest let down for me. I watch EVERY Boston Bruins game during the year. It's 10 preseason games, 82 regular season games, and minimum 4 playoff games if they make the playoffs. Last year it was roughly 30 playoff games. The games last about 3 hours each and take up most of my might after work. Usually I eat dinner and watch the game.

I don't even enjoy watching anymore. I've watched every game for the past 25 years. I'm 29. I've been committed. I've seen one championship and I've seen them lose multiple championships. I get FURIOUS when we lose games. I'm not even happy when we win anymore. I'm complacent when we win and just sit there. I get so angry during the games when they mess up. Even if we win I sit there angry when we miss a pass, can't clear the zone, can't score, give up a lead, go offsides. It's so stressful.

I have a stressful day at work and come home and just get even more angry. When the Bruins lost the cup to St. Louis last year I broke a bunch of shit in my house and screamed. I then went into a depression. When we lost to Chicago I did the same thing. Fucking pathetic, dude. I get so angry.

Tonight we lost 6-5 after leading 5-2. We had 2 shots on goal for 35 minutes. For non-hockey fans the average period has 10 shots per team and 30 shots total per game. We had 2 in 35 minutes. It wasn't because the Philadelphia Flyers were good. It was because we made mental mistakes. We couldn't clear the puck at all. We kept missing passes and turning it over on lazy plays. I'm glad Philly won. They deserved it. We didn't care about winning.

THAT'S WHAT FUCKING KILLS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE DON'T CARE ABOUT WINNING, BUT I DO! I'M NOT PLAYING THE GAME!!! 

Why is that a good investment for me? Sports is like a toxic relationship where you are dedicated, committed, you'd never cheat on them and root for another team. You care so much about them and give them everything. And they don't care about you. They don't acknowledge your support or fandom. They don't win for you. They win for them. 

Sports is a neglectful relationship over time. You just give everything and get nothing back most of the time. My grandfather waited 84 years to see the Boston Red Sox win the World Series in 2004. 84 years. Do you know what percentage of the Earth's population lives to 84 years???? Sure they've won like 4 championships since 2004. But dude. 84 years. Cubs waited over 100 years. 

Some people enjoy it, whatever. I'm fucking tired of this. It's a waste of time for me now. I'd rather have fun and relax. Fuck this bull shit.

When we lose it makes me want to watch porn. I'm not going to do it. Fuck that. 

Long ago I told myself I'm not going to invest myself emotionally into sports anymore, and it seems you're taking that same path. You've realized the truth. They don't care about you. They don't win for you. Whether they win or not, it doesn't affect me in any way at all materially. I'll watch the occasional game from time to time but only to enjoy the game itself. I don't care anymore who wins or loses. It's a waste of my emotional energy.

Then there's also the 3 hours per game, minimum to watch them all. That's a lot of time spent!

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14 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Long ago I told myself I'm not going to invest myself emotionally into sports anymore

Hey @seriousjay! May I ask you how easy it was for you to let go of the "passion" you had for sports?

I totally agree with you that the best way to watch sports is to be detached emotionally from it. That's something I sometimes think about because I know people that no matter the disappointment that their team gives to them (from game results to corruption scandals) can't leave this cycle of watching sports - getting disappointed - going back to watch it again.

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27 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Long ago I told myself I'm not going to invest myself emotionally into sports anymore, and it seems you're taking that same path. You've realized the truth. They don't care about you. They don't win for you. Whether they win or not, it doesn't affect me in any way at all materially. I'll watch the occasional game from time to time but only to enjoy the game itself. I don't care anymore who wins or loses. It's a waste of my emotional energy.

Then there's also the 3 hours per game, minimum to watch them all. That's a lot of time spent!

Exactly. They're playing again tonight and I'm just gonna eat dinner, relax, and then make stuff in 3D with my modeling like I wanted to do last night. I might even read my book.

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5 minutes ago, WhatAboutToday? said:

Hey @seriousjay! May I ask you how easy it was for you to let go of the "passion" you had for sports?

I totally agree with you that the best way to watch sports is to be detached emotionally from it. That's something I sometimes think about because I know people that no matter the disappointment that their team gives to them (from game results to corruption scandals) can't leave this cycle of watching sports - getting disappointed - going back to watch it again.

It's because we're attached to it somehow. Like being part of a team is being part of a community and it's so important for humans to be in a community. It's like they raise your spirits, make you feel like you're part of something bigger, and you want to support it. In the end, it's a fucking waste. I'm so tired of it. I love hockey so maybe I might start watching the occasional game with 2 teams I don't care about so it's less stressful.

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1 hour ago, Netzwerker said:

@BooksandTrees WOW gr8 job ! I will be very happy if you tell me all your achievements since joining this forum , because i do not have time to read your whole journal now but I might do that later .

Thank you for the compliment! I'd just go to my post in the celebration forum. I summarized it all there:

 

 

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33 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's because we're attached to it somehow. Like being part of a team is being part of a community and it's so important for humans to be in a community. It's like they raise your spirits, make you feel like you're part of something bigger, and you want to support it. In the end, it's a fucking waste. I'm so tired of it. I love hockey so maybe I might start watching the occasional game with 2 teams I don't care about so it's less stressful.

Yeah... I get it. I somehow didn't end up a fan of a specific sports team. On the other hand, I used to watch a lot of e-sports, and sometimes was a little bit mad with it, but it was all gone when I quitted gaming. In the end, I prefer to live my life and let them players live theirs. Thanks for the explanation!

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As a recovering sports nerd, I can personally attest that a lot of people invest too much of their identity in sports teams, for various reasons. If one isn't on the team, there's no sense in acting like one's the owner. I was guilty of this for many years, and was a huge crutch and escape for me during my childhood when things sucked. Because I couldn't be happy, I could let myself feel good as long as X sports team was winning and feeling good. 

Ironically, there's a coworker I work with who is a borderline religious Red Sox fan. I used to be his level a long time ago, and we're friends, so I love to push his buttons because I know how to do so easily. I cannot wait to see him next to ask him how many years he thinks Alex Cora is gonna get banned from baseball. I have no horse in this race anymore, but I just want to watch him die on the inside just a little bit 🙂

If you do end up walking away, it's going to be hard and there will be a lot of nostalgia, but it takes a big burden off. 25 years is a long time, so good luck.

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2 hours ago, WhatAboutToday? said:

Hey @seriousjay! May I ask you how easy it was for you to let go of the "passion" you had for sports?

I totally agree with you that the best way to watch sports is to be detached emotionally from it. That's something I sometimes think about because I know people that no matter the disappointment that their team gives to them (from game results to corruption scandals) can't leave this cycle of watching sports - getting disappointed - going back to watch it again.

Honestly I didn't find it that hard. I wasn't really too attached to it to begin with. I think I watched sports more as a social thing. My cousins and I would get together to watch it. Unless it was baseball I rarely watched it on my own. My inner editor is cringing at the amount of times I typed a variation of the word watch in this paragraph LOL!

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15 minutes ago, DaBest said:

As a recovering sports nerd, I can personally attest that a lot of people invest too much of their identity in sports teams, for various reasons. If one isn't on the team, there's no sense in acting like one's the owner. I was guilty of this for many years, and was a huge crutch and escape for me during my childhood when things sucked. Because I couldn't be happy, I could let myself feel good as long as X sports team was winning and feeling good. 

Ironically, there's a coworker I work with who is a borderline religious Red Sox fan. I used to be his level a long time ago, and we're friends, so I love to push his buttons because I know how to do so easily. I cannot wait to see him next to ask him how many years he thinks Alex Cora is gonna get banned from baseball. I have no horse in this race anymore, but I just want to watch him die on the inside just a little bit 🙂

If you do end up walking away, it's going to be hard and there will be a lot of nostalgia, but it takes a big burden off. 25 years is a long time, so good luck.

Are you in the Boston area also? Yeah, Cora is screwed. My whole office is talking about it non stop. I agree with you completely and know you've been avoiding sports as one of your stands at the top of your forum posts. I completely see why you do it now.

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Today was better. I still didn't get lots of sleep, but I woke up earlier and had a very productive day. I got most of my project complete and I think I can wrap it up tomorrow. I had a good session with my therapist today. He agrees that I should take a break from hockey and sports. I revealed I don't even enjoy winning. I expect to win and get furious with mistakes and losses. He thinks I'm getting very stressed and need to relax more, especially in weeks where I'm not sleeping much and working a lot.

Tonight I made dinner, relaxed and watched a few little shows. I read a bit. I then took a long shower, stretched, and am writing this now. I'd like to avoid falling asleep at 3 AM again. I'm already heading to bed 3 hours earlier than last night. 

I didn't get a chance to work on my modeling because I felt that I was very burned out and just wanted to sit on my couch a bit and collect my thoughts. I haven't done that in a while. I finally relaxed during my stretching. My stomach unclenched. I didn't realize I was clenching my mid section so much. My heartburn went away after it. It's clear that I'm stressed.

Tomorrow I'm going to rock climb for the first time in 3 months. I'm also going to cook dinner again and potentially 3D model. I'm trying to relax a bit after learning so much at work. I don't want to burn my candle at both ends. 

Right now I'm slowing reading Red Rising by Pierce Brown. Its a fun book. I'm taking a while because I'm not an avid reader. Think I read like a chapter a week (10 pages?) lol. 

I also learned a 2D cartoonist on YouTube is using the software I'm using for 3D modeling and is doing the same approach that I want to do. It's getting me excited. he's gained 50k subscribers very fast and I want to replicate this. 

I'm also down to between 174 and 177 lbs depending on the day. This is better than the 191 last June.

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Last night was great. I didn't watch the Bruins play and I watched Chopped. They lost 3-0 when I read the details this morning so I felt vindicated. I then read my book for about an hour. I got really caught up in it so I think I might actually finish it sooner than I thought. It helped me fall asleep. I fell asleep almost immediately and slept for 8 hours. I felt really good about it. 

Today was really good. I had some assistance finishing a tough project. I'm finally done with it. I can just go to work and start a different project now and not feel rushed. It's a 2 month project with 4 months of budget so I feel good lol. 

I went rock climbing for 3 hours after work today. It was really nice. I haven't socialized in months so I honestly felt very uncomfortable in a group setting. It surprised me. I'm normally very confident. I felt like somewhat of an outcast since I hadn't climbed in over 2 months. None of the climbing people I mingled with talked to me unless I talked to them first. I don't really feel bad about it though. We were never really friendly anyways aside from the people I normally climb with, who I socialized with plenty. I climbed lots of routes and had fun. 

The fact that I felt uncomfortable in public made me realize how stressed I've been. I've gone through a lot over the past 2 months and it was so strange just "being normal". The stress and the porn really crushed me. Porn really influences your confidence in the public because it constantly narrows your perspective in life. "Get through the day, go home, binge watch porn, eat, sleep, repeat". There's no need to socialize or anything. 

There's a girl there who flirts with me, but I have trouble because I'm not really attracted to her. She's nice, but I don't know. I don't really want a woman around right now unless it's work or a friend. I am emotionally drained and can't handle a relationship or flirting. Between work and all this crap I've posted about for the past year I'm spent. My self esteem is there, but in waves. I'm happy about my progress and getting out of my rut. 

I meal prepped tonight after climbing and now I'm gonna 3D model a bit and then read.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Hey, I’m so proud of you getting out of your rut. I can see you’re doing better now with how you spend your time. Good job. No worries with the girl from your gym. You do what feels right for you. What’re you reading?

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I'm struggling a bit tonight. I'd really like to relapse and watch porn for a while. I'm eager to see women. I have been the center of many social situations where I've been surrounded by women and it's happening because I'm more confident, putting myself in better situations, and making my eye contact with them. I also saw one of the most attractive women in my life in the office next door to mine. She was unreal. I really struggled after seeing her. It made me eager to get home after work and watch porn.

I didn't though. I know that the correct thing to do is go out and socialize and maybe meet someone similar to her. I clearly have no issues talking to women so if I inserted myself into correct situations I'd inevitably meet someone of her caliber attractiveness or more. 

Something I realized is that I used to get into bed and not fall asleep right away. I'd try to read for a while on my phone and search for something. I'd grow frustrated searching for articles to read so I'd go to YouTube videos. Those never really worked and eventually I'd become aroused from the random videos or article advertisements and watch porn for an hour. Then I'd be wired because although masturbation makes you sleepy, the addiction to porn makes you alert and awake. So I'd just stay up for an extra 3-4 hours watching porn multiple times and then getting 4 hours of sleep and becoming groggy.

Now I'm reading my book in bed instead. I read another 40 pages of my book last night and want to read more tonight before going to bed. I'm more tired today because I socialized again with my friends after work. It was my second straight day of socializing. I feel my life slowly coming back to me as I'm talking to more people and others are taking action as well.

I have to focus. I have to remember crying the other night while watching porn. It made me cry. It made me sick. It made me angry. I need to resist and just have control. Support myself.

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38 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm struggling a bit tonight. I'd really like to relapse and watch porn for a while. I'm eager to see women. I have been the center of many social situations where I've been surrounded by women and it's happening because I'm more confident, putting myself in better situations, and making my eye contact with them. I also saw one of the most attractive women in my life in the office next door to mine. She was unreal. I really struggled after seeing her. It made me eager to get home after work and watch porn.

I didn't though. I know that the correct thing to do is go out and socialize and maybe meet someone similar to her. I clearly have no issues talking to women so if I inserted myself into correct situations I'd inevitably meet someone of her caliber attractiveness or more. 

Something I realized is that I used to get into bed and not fall asleep right away. I'd try to read for a while on my phone and search for something. I'd grow frustrated searching for articles to read so I'd go to YouTube videos. Those never really worked and eventually I'd become aroused from the random videos or article advertisements and watch porn for an hour. Then I'd be wired because although masturbation makes you sleepy, the addiction to porn makes you alert and awake. So I'd just stay up for an extra 3-4 hours watching porn multiple times and then getting 4 hours of sleep and becoming groggy.

Now I'm reading my book in bed instead. I read another 40 pages of my book last night and want to read more tonight before going to bed. I'm more tired today because I socialized again with my friends after work. It was my second straight day of socializing. I feel my life slowly coming back to me as I'm talking to more people and others are taking action as well.

I have to focus. I have to remember crying the other night while watching porn. It made me cry. It made me sick. It made me angry. I need to resist and just have control. Support myself.

I am so proud of you. You are trying so hard, and look at what you're accomplishing! Becoming more confident by the day now. That doesn't mean that you won't struggle, it just means you have a goal and you are doing your best to reach it. That takes dedication and self control, both great qualities. You should be proud.

Reading sounds great! I used to do that as well, I might borrow that idea from you.

Wow, looks like your social life is growing, that's great! And hey, I think you are doing wonderfully, Keep it up!

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I know that the correct thing to do is go out and socialize and maybe meet someone similar to her. I clearly have no issues talking to women so if I inserted myself into correct situations I'd inevitably meet someone of her caliber attractiveness or more. 

Great! I recently met a guy who enjoys being in and studying social situations to the core and we seem to agree on the fundamentals of approaching women and psychology of dating. It's been inspiring to hang out with him so far, because I always felt a bit anxious/lazy to get myself more involved in social situations around women.

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I made it through last night without relapsing, but tonight I was reading a sports article and saw a tv advertisement for a figure skating program and was triggered by the women skater on the advertisement. Like, why does she need to be wearing nothing? I get kind of annoyed that most women's sports show off way more of their bodies than male sports' uniforms. Look at the different between figure skaters, tennis players, volleyball players, golf, lacrosse, etc. The only sports where they're basically the same is hockey, basketball, baseball/softball, and football and soccer. The ones where men wear less is swimming unless they choose to wear a bodysuit and winter sports like skiing and snowboarding. It's tough to ignore this. I am more attracted to athletic women by a mile so it's just difficult to visit a sports page.

Most advertisements for men's sports are through violence and competition. Most advertisement for women's sports is sex appeal and branding for that individual star. So frustrating.

I'm trying very hard not to relapse. I'm almost a week without porn or masturbation. It's tough to even do a hobby right now. It's 0 degrees outside and my arms are cold so I can't practice 3D modeling that well.

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Not much time to write, but you should be so proud of yourself.

 

I agree with not picking up the phone, or any screen for that matter, at night. Not only is it a trigger for porn, but the blue light suppresses melatonin production... so even tho your body is tired... your mind will be awake. 
 

Reading is such a great idea... and very much relaxing. You are doing so well! Keep getting out into the community. Keep rock climbing... that’s so awesome.

 

But most importantly be gentle with yourself. Sending light, joy, love and energy my friend. Hugs!

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8 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

And I realized that I just said basically the same thing @Sashiku did!!!

Just know you have people here for you. 😊

Lol thank you! You guys have been great supporters. I really appreciate it. Sometimes when I am struggling I read how sad my porn relapse posts are and then read the support from you and others. It really helps.

It's strange how I struggled with quitting gaming in late 2018 and relied so much on the community. Now after a year of feeling like an expert at quitting gaming I'm making this difficult attempt with porn as well.

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Instead of watching porn I walked around my house shadowboxing. I did jumping jacks and moved my arms around. I got about 3,000 steps on my fitbit and made some brown rice as well. I feel a lot warmer on this 0 degree night. My urge to watch porn is gone, I'm not tired, not hungry anymore, and I'm ready to 3D animate! I'm going to keep going!

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I 3D modeled for 1 hour and learned about subdivisions to smooth things. This is some slight modification to what I previously posted. It's a lot smoother than the last one I posted .

2091740523_HelicopterSubdivisions.thumb.png.5685aaf0a35d756c6f288262882ac2aa.png

 

I wanted to 3D model last weekend and take this lesson. Instead, I watched porn and YouTube off and on for 7 hours until 6 AM and was sick all of Saturday and most of Sunday because of it. Tonight I resisted the urge, used the energy to stay warm on a cold night and took my 1 hour 3D modeling class. I can do it.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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A-ha! The techniques and experience from your errors are proving themselves to be useful. 

Something that changed in my behaviour- i give myself time to do things rather than rush them. Being hasty all the time causes me to be nervous. It looks from your posts you are more focused on the process of your activities.

How about a challenge? I watched a boxer’s stats and in one of his career defining moments, he threw 70 punches in one round (three minutes). That’s crazy intensity. I will try to throw fifty good punches in combination with moving and ducking.

Edit: Punching technique.

When I was boxing as a kid, I hurt my elbow joints by throwing punches where my arm extended out fully. To prevent injury to elbow jointa I twist my arms as i punch

I hope you get what I mean

Edited by Amphibian220
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