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Sashiku

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Everything posted by Sashiku

  1. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    So, I moved here to Kansas a little over a year ago and It's been one of the best years of my life. I am going places and doing things, but not as often as I want. Still, compared to last year, I am doing great. Still, I have my share of problems, those problems mostly stemming from gaming. I want to lay this out for you carefully and precisely so you can get an idea of where I am now, so here I go. I played video games 24/7 or around 7-8 years. They helped me escape from the constant drama, insanity and emotional abuse that surrounded me. I kept playing them after I moved, I thought I wanted to quit once a little while back, but that only lasted a day. I just wasn't ready to crawl out of my safe bubble yet. Even before I used gaming to escape, I used other things to escape. I was isolated for 90% of my life and had always had that safe space where I could disconnect from reality. Firstly by imagination. In my youngest days, I used imagination to take me to other worlds where I could forget everything, even just for a little while. Later on, drawing became my escape, then reading and finally, gaming. Gaming was the best escape because it required little effort and took me to new worlds and showed me things I longed to see in the real world. As a person who is considered blind, meaning my vision is poor enough that it doesn't really count, I have always had the desire to explore, travel and go on adventures. But those things were never something I was allowed to do or something I could ever realistically do for myself. At least, not in the way I imagined. My point is, when moving here things were better but I was still afraid to leave my safe place (aka gaming and escapism) because it had become so familiar. I am still hesitant to leave it and I've made some pretty big strides since moving here. For one, I started geocaching. I found my first geocache last month and it was a good feeling. I felt accomplishment and motivation from it. I also have a few other things I have found interest in but I have yet to act on them. Where I am now is much different from where I was. I have noticed a huge rift in my online friendships lately. Even my *best friend* and I rarely talk now. All of my old friends are gamers, and slowly I've felt myself distancing myself from it over the year. Gaming has become a habit and a bad one, it's no longer as important to escape as it once was and instead of escaping, I would like to develop coping mechanisms that work and are good for me. I started exercising a couple months ago, not regularly since gaming has still had a hold on me but amazingly, I walked around 6-8 miles in one day. My Aunt and I spent time at a HUGE new park in Tulsa and we had a lot of fun walking around and seeing everything. By the time we got home, I was exhausted. I loved how that made me feel. I felt tired and felt like I'd achieved something, both of which are great things. And now we arrive at the present. I have so many things I want to do and see, however, I am still gaming and it is having a bad effect on me. I developed a bad case of self loathing a few years ago due to how much I play, and thankfully it IS improving, but quitting games altogether would help so much more. I have infinite reasons to quit. My health, social life, activities, friends, my classes, self-esteem, and mostly, I want my life to be an adventure. I'm tired of pretending I am on one via gaming. I may not be able to travel the world or visit every state or even see all of my state, but there are still adventures I can have and have been missing out on. Geocaching, hiking, being out in nature, being part of the community, volunteering, kyaking, ziplining, swimming and exploration, no matter how small the area. It's time I begin the real adventure and say goodbye to the girl I used to be. I can't promise I won't mess up, but I promise to take it as seriously as possible from this day forward. As for the title of this journal, I want to be the kind of person who isn't always in her room. I want to be helpful and volunteer and just generally be out and about. I also want to keep being kind, and develop a very positive mindset.
  2. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    Sunday: I have been very tired lately and my legs and hands are swollen all the time so I don't feel like doing much. The swelling just started last week and It's like constant water weight. it's hard to feel like doing anything when you feel so heavy and tired. If I had insurance I'd see a doctor but alas, I still don't.
  3. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    Thanks for the tips. I have been setting a few goals lately so I will continue with that. 🙂 I will definitely try to set aside some me time to think about things.
  4. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    Friday: I worked out lightly and did some walking around the complex. *all indoor* I did a few dishes but still have more to go. Today *Saturday* I am grateful for: Chores. Even though sometimes I feel I hate them, I am grateful for them today because doing chores means I am taking care of myself and I am healthy enough to do them. Didn't get much done. There was an event downstairs so I didn't do laundry. Will try to do it tomorrow while everybody is at church.
  5. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    Thank you very much. x3
  6. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    Wow. That's a lot of words. ^_^ I get art block sometimes so I understand the feeling. And no, I mostly draw from my imagination. ^^ I freehand all my art as well. Here is an example: https://www.deviantart.com/sashikuchan/art/Good-Morning-737898723 I did a pretty realistic piece recently but I used a reference so I don't really feel like it's my art. I don't ever use references.
  7. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    😄 it's nice to know other people can relate to my story. Thank you, I am trying to keep a positive attitude. You write huh? I am rather fond of writing myself but I mostly draw. ^^ I do have an unpublished book however, but it's a kids book.
  8. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    Was gone all day yesterday. Spent some time with my mentors. One of them was older and asked me to come along with her cause she gets lonely. Once I got home I crashed. Today I have a full schedule yet again and I'm pretty glad. I need to clean my house, at least do some dishes and maybe vacuum. After that I want to either do laundry or go grocery shopping. I am grateful for: This town. It's full of really wonderful people. Today I: Did a few dishes, I am trying to do at least one or two things a day chore wise, because I am horrible at procrastinating and I absolutely LOATHE dishes and laundry. Worked out - day number 2 Drew a few rounds of Drawception. I just found it a few days ago. It's sort of like that whisper game. You draw something and after many interpretations, the last drawing turns into something completely different. It's great for practice AND great for cold days where it's hard to find things to do. 🙂 Spent a few hours messing around on MMD. It's a dance program for 3D models. It was 30F outside and so computer time it was. Tomorrow I think I will read a book.
  9. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    Day 2: Notes: Yesterday a lady fell and was yelling for help. I went into her apartment and phoned 911. This is the second time now, I hope she is ok. I am grateful for: sleep. I get so tired sometimes that it's nice to just sleep. Even today, I needed a nap and it felt great afterwards. Today I: Exercised for 20 minutes *maybe a bit over* because I was trying out some new stretching techniques. Took a half hour nap Went to lunch with my Aunt.
  10. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    Thank you, It's nice to know I am not the only adventurous one. 🙂 Thanks for the strategies, I WILL have difficulty filling my time but if I run out of things to do, I can always meditate or get ahead in my studies. I will check out that book sometime too.
  11. Sashiku

    The Person I want to be

    So, for my first post, this is day 1. It's pretty easy for me to say I want to quit, hopefully, tomorrow will be a little easier. Today I am grateful for: People. Those who are supportive and tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. More specifically, The Stinkrat on discord. Thank you so much for listening to me and pushing me in the right direction. Today I: *Did some laundry *Am on my way to Self Development class in 30 minutes.
  12. Sashiku

    Sashi's Daily Detox Journal

    You are absolutely right. I have been feeling overwhelmed lately and I can change, I'm just doing it wrong. Doing everything cold turkey after 15 years of it feels impossible. Small steps seem like a great idea. I wanted to do the meetup thing but I'm in a tiny town and there aren't any here. I do need to start going back to activities though. I've been locked in my apartment since after I got home and I've just stayed here. One of my introvert moods I guess. I will try your suggestion. And thank you. :)
  13. Sashiku

    Sashi's Daily Detox Journal

    I started a new journal since this is a completely different phase in my life and I prefer not to look back. Anyhow, I'm glad to be here again. Let's all learn from each other. Day 1 I went to bed at: 4:30am I woke up at: 12pm My goals for this week: Keep a sleep schedule from 12am to 8am Focus on art and my studies Today I'm grateful for: My aunts My best friend My cozy apartment This small town Blueberry waffles I've already started the cleansing process. Removing everything that might tempt me from my computer and other devices. Feeling hopeful though a bit sad. I wish I didn't have so many problems. But at the same time, I'm on the road to self-improvement in many areas so I feel confident that I'm going in the right direction. I also feel a little out of touch spiritually. I was doing really well studying a little a day until last month. I'm excited to get that started back up. I hope you all have a wonderful day. <3
  14. Sashiku

    Sashi's Daily Detox Journal

    I do but I don't. Ever since I got home I've been super exhausted and have been doing NOTHING but playing games and feeling out of it. I'm so stressed out lately because I'm WAY behind in homework due to my being gone so much last month. I'm basically forcing myself to be productive in tiny bits because I just can't seem to focus or feel motivated lately. I realized something too. The problem I'm having isn't because I play video games. Video games are the product of my problems. I have had the same routine for 10+ years. *Wake up, sit at the computer, go to bed.* I had that routine for so many years that I don't know how to change it. Every time I try, I find myself pacing or just staring at the walls and being completely bored and unstimulated. I am not a social person so how am I supposed to find other things to do? Also working out is fine I guess but I always forget to. Plus I sorta hate it. It makes me SO tired. Plus nothing else seems to be as stimulating as the computer. When not gaming, I'm watching youtube, when not doing that I'm watching Netflix. My routine has been to SIT for so long. I just don't know how to change it. Reading is fine yea, but it's nowhere as stimulating as a video game or a youtube video or a movie. I feel like I've lost my love of reading. I used to read SO much back before I had a computer. Would turn off the internet if not for my online schooling. Also, the fact that I'm HORRIBLE at making and keeping friends makes life a lot harder away from the internet. I have NO friends away from the internet. I have social anxiety and the internet has always been the best way to make friends for me, even though I still don't make them well or keep them well on the internet either. I guess my point is, I'm feeling very hopeless. My entire life I've felt like I have no value. My parents definitely didn't help that matter.
  15. Sashiku

    Sashi's Daily Detox Journal

    My god I'm tired. I started taking thyroid meds again though. I have just been SO BUSY. I went out of town AGAIN this weekend and the week before I was sick. The week before that I was really upset cause my dad was in the hospital. It's been so busy for me. I'm glad to have time to breathe. Just got home and am taking 2 days off to relax. I need it.
  16. Sashiku

    [Legendary?] Mad Pharmacist

    It happens. And you're absolutely right, nobody is perfect. You're still doing awesome though. Admitting when you relapse is pretty hard sometimes. I wish you the best.
  17. Sashiku

    Sashi's Daily Detox Journal

    Heading to Oklahoma for 9-10 days. See you guys when I return. Also, I relapsed a tiny bit. I played a mobile game for 1 day and quit. Reason: I have been dealing with chronic exhaustion for 2 weeks where I sleep most of the day and most of the night. I haven't been taking my thyroid medicine in months because I am worried I will run out before I get my insurance. It has been months since I sent it in. They are taking ages. I decided to take some yesterday and today but I'm still so tired I can barely even clean my house.I feel like I'm moving very slowly. I hate being tired all the time. I also got my wisdom too pulled and wasn't allowed to eat solid food for a few days which made it even worse. I just want to feel good so I can get out and do things. I hate sitting inside and when I'm forced to, well, relapses happen due to boredom and frustration. Why is it every time I try to quit my health declines? :(
  18. Sashiku

    Sashi's Daily Detox Journal

    My goodness. So much has been happening that I haven't been online to update my Journal in a couple of days. I went to bed at 10pm Woke at 5:55am. Today I'm grateful for: Ibuprofen Dentists My Aunt Debbie So I have been pretty busy lately getting things done around my apartment. Some cleaning here and there and some organizing. I also had Class Monday and some homework over the weekend. This class is so positive. I can almost feel the positive change it's had on me. The lady who helps teach my class has been SUCH a help. Her name is Jean and she found me a dentist AND some mental health people for me to see for counseling. Speaking of Dentists, the one she found saw me yesterday and pulled one of my wisdom teeth. The dentist was super nice and even gave me a charity form for everything Medicare doesn't cover since I'm low income. I haven't had a dentist in like 15 years because dentists in Oklahoma don't take Medicare I don't think. Kansas is doing everything right for the disabled I tell you. I'm in quite a bit of pain now but I woke up at 5:55 to take medicine and decided to get up because I wasn't tired anymore. Lately, I've been filling my time with TV shows and Documentaries but that will probably stop once I get to working on my new project and my comic. My project for when I get home is to re-make some dolls my Grandma had made when I was a little girl. None of her kids remember what they look like, so I'm going to find some scrap material and some yarn and try to completely re-create them from scratch. I plan on starting work on my comic as soon as my apartment is completely unboxed, organized and clean, which may not happen till 2 weeks from now since I'm going to Tulsa to sign off on my mom's house on the 13th. I am on her deed. I'll be coming home on the 21st because I want to visit my Dad and Aunt while there. It feels great to be doing so many amazing things.
  19. Sashiku

    Sashi's Daily Detox Journal

    Day 2: *I kinda messed up but I'm really motivated now* Grateful for: Pennies Freedom My Dad Neri I am SO tired today. I had huge plans to get things done but I only did maybe a quarter of the things on my to-do list and ended up falling asleep for like 4 hours. I got some dishes done and vacuumed and failed to get to organizing and finishing my dishes. I still have a little bit of time left today so I'm going to finish dishes probably and do organizing tomorrow. Going to play Bingo tonight at 6pm. Looking forward to it. Had a falling apart with one of my friends. Kinda glad, she was a big problem for me over the past few months. One of those controlling people. I completely uninstalled all of my games and even my RPGMaker stuff. Lastly, Ostara is soon. I am going to be in my hometown for a week but I'm scheduled to go home the DAY BEFORE OSTARA which really sucks. I might change my plans so I can celebrate it there. I really wish I could tell my family so I would feel less alone in my journey... Life isn't fair sometimes, however. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it.
  20. Sashiku

    [Legendary?] Mad Pharmacist

    Its great to see you are still around for the most part. I hope you finally find where you need to be in life. I know what you mean about escaping real life as I did it for 15 years. It's not a fun thing and it's very hard to face reality sometimes. I'm here for you buddy.
  21. Sashiku

    Sashi's Daily Detox Journal

    I went to bed rather late last night due to documentaries. >.>; Woke up at 11am though. Grateful for: Jean Biscuits Friends I woke up, got ready and headed to the library with the lady who teaches my PPD classes named Jean. WHAT A GREAT LADY! She took all of the bits of information I had pieced together and helped me form them into a working resume in 20 minutes flat. When I got home, I went downstairs at 5:30 and we ate biscuits and gravy! By the time I got home I was exhausted.
  22. I have a supportive friend that I've had for about 15 years now and she is very happy that I'm quitting but now we have no idea what to do. We used to spend a lot of time together gaming, in fact, my friends were a big part of why I did it. Now we are looking for other things to do and we're just sitting here. Talking yea, but it's pretty dull. What do we do to replace our game time bonding??
  23. Sashiku

    Sashi's Daily Detox Journal

    WARNING, THIS IS PRETTY DEPRESSING. DON't READ THIS IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THAT! Day 3... Didn't sleep. I had emotional flashbacks most of the night. I ended up crying for hours and then decided to draw my feelings so I could be rid of them.
  24. We both used to live in Oklahoma but I moved to Kansas and she moved to another part of OKlahoma before I moved.
  25. Sashiku

    New Chapter

    Hey Ashley. I am right here with you. This is day 2 for me and I've relapsed twice. It seems you are doing more things than you used to which is awesome though. I also draw, I'd love to see some of your art.
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