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Everything posted by Sashiku

  1. Wow! You have a lot going for you, just reading all that inspires me to want to keep going in my own life. I am going to be working on good habits too so perhaps I will journal them too. Keep it up, you seem to be living your life to the fullest and that is truly wonderful to see. 🙂
  2. Great job focusing on the positives. ^^ My Girlfriend and I recently broke up but it was pretty calm and we still talk almost every day. We decided to look a the positives and the fact that we had a nice experience, and that is important. Just don't give up, she's out there somewhere. 😆
  3. It's been a month since I last gamed. I am not even gaming on my 3DS like last time. I have't even touched an app game. I am pretty proud of myself. I found an extension for Chrome that lets me put sticky notes on any page I want. I put motivational stickys all over my home page. I also have been using a couple of apps. One is called Fabulous and the other is an audio diary. I have been keeping audio notes on my progress and things I want to accomplish which is super handy since hearing my own voice talk about my dreams motivates me and makes me more determined to never go back. Fabulous is great for establishing a morning routine and getting better sleep. I also use tide when I am having a particularly hard time sleeping.
  4. Thanks for the support. Unfortunately the friends I speak of have been my friends both inside and outside of games for years and years. One I met before I started gaming 15 years ago. Now that I am not gaming though, those close friendships are being tested and some even disappearing. That is the main reason I am upset. People in the games themselves I don't care too much about, its just my really close knit relationships that I am sad about because they are sadly not doing well now.
  5. Went to see family for Halloween. Had a really good time. I did have some dreams about gaming and woke up a couple times thinking about what game I was going to play that day. I shook it off each time though. Right now I am feeling really lonely because all my friends game and we aren't talking like at all since I quit. I know they are a weak spot for me so I am going to just try to make new ones that are into other things. I still definitely feel lonely and a bit sad though.
  6. Trying to get a new morning routine down, I saw the post about it and I agree. This morning I hit snooze ONCE, because my eyes were glued shut. Then I got up, dressed, brushed my hair and teeth, took my med and had a sip of water, then walked around the outside of building once. *it was cold! 44F!!* Then I checked my email and this blog. Going to work out with my aunt at 1pm so I don't have too much time till then so I will probably do some study time. *I just started applying myself to my online classes again in months.* I am about to complete Orientation 2 and move on to the final orientation room, section 3.
  7. Hey. I haven't posted here in a while. Been too ashamed. Unfortunately I fell back into it. It's just such a familiar thing that I've done for years. It hasn't been as bad as it was back when I lived with mom, and I Have been doing some things outside of the house, but it's still so hard to separate myself from it. It's like a magnet and I'm a piece of iron. 2 and a half weeks ago I did the whole thing over again. Deleting everything, unsubscribing from gamers on YouTube and social media, etc. I even plan to delete all my passwords because I think I actually WANT to quit this time. In the past it was mostly out of necessity that I quit I don't think I really wanted it as much as I do now. Nothing prompted me to quit this time. No ultimatum, no threats of losing my home, no angry mom, I just did it. I really want this to be the last time. I'm so tired of this game, I want to live a better life and I am going to give it my best shot. I can't say if I will post here often or not, I have only told a few people because I don't want to put too much into telling people if I just fail again and everybody says "haha, we knew you couldn't do it." I know I can do it, I just need to take a step back and focus on me instead of focusing on other's perception of me. I shouldn't care what they think. Anyway, that's all. Peace. P.S. I am going to be volunteering for the weekly big dinner at the church just down the street starting soon, *don't have a date yet* so that is something I am rather happy about. I know the people who run it as I have been going to personal and professional development at that church every Monday for the past year and a half.
  8. So, I'm home from my holiday trip home and I'm doing good. I did some Geocaching with my brother and helped take care of all of their chickens and their cat. I had a lot of fun. Some not so good things happened and I had an argument with my dad, but it's a bit much to think about right now. I did play the sims 4 once while at their place because I got a bad cold and had nothing to do, but I was too sick to sit up long and the game ran horribly on their laptop anyway so I stopped playing it for the rest of my visit. Instead I spent most of the visit during my sickness watching movies while laying on the sofa.
  9. hahaha. I'm glad to meet another adventurer. Also great to meet another lover of puns. 🙂 I recently started Geocaching and that is opening up a whole new world to me.
  10. Everything is good. ^_^ I downloaded a flash game but deleted it immediately. I am seriously done and I can't let anything change my mind. I am feeling good about my decision.
  11. Still doing well, no games. I need to do some work on my apartment and my online classes so I might not check in daily now. 🙂
  12. Sunday: I have been very tired lately and my legs and hands are swollen all the time so I don't feel like doing much. The swelling just started last week and It's like constant water weight. it's hard to feel like doing anything when you feel so heavy and tired. If I had insurance I'd see a doctor but alas, I still don't.
  13. Thanks for the tips. I have been setting a few goals lately so I will continue with that. 🙂 I will definitely try to set aside some me time to think about things.
  14. Friday: I worked out lightly and did some walking around the complex. *all indoor* I did a few dishes but still have more to go. Today *Saturday* I am grateful for: Chores. Even though sometimes I feel I hate them, I am grateful for them today because doing chores means I am taking care of myself and I am healthy enough to do them. Didn't get much done. There was an event downstairs so I didn't do laundry. Will try to do it tomorrow while everybody is at church.
  15. Wow. That's a lot of words. ^_^ I get art block sometimes so I understand the feeling. And no, I mostly draw from my imagination. ^^ I freehand all my art as well. Here is an example: https://www.deviantart.com/sashikuchan/art/Good-Morning-737898723 I did a pretty realistic piece recently but I used a reference so I don't really feel like it's my art. I don't ever use references.
  16. 😄 it's nice to know other people can relate to my story. Thank you, I am trying to keep a positive attitude. You write huh? I am rather fond of writing myself but I mostly draw. ^^ I do have an unpublished book however, but it's a kids book.
  17. Was gone all day yesterday. Spent some time with my mentors. One of them was older and asked me to come along with her cause she gets lonely. Once I got home I crashed. Today I have a full schedule yet again and I'm pretty glad. I need to clean my house, at least do some dishes and maybe vacuum. After that I want to either do laundry or go grocery shopping. I am grateful for: This town. It's full of really wonderful people. Today I: Did a few dishes, I am trying to do at least one or two things a day chore wise, because I am horrible at procrastinating and I absolutely LOATHE dishes and laundry. Worked out - day number 2 Drew a few rounds of Drawception. I just found it a few days ago. It's sort of like that whisper game. You draw something and after many interpretations, the last drawing turns into something completely different. It's great for practice AND great for cold days where it's hard to find things to do. 🙂 Spent a few hours messing around on MMD. It's a dance program for 3D models. It was 30F outside and so computer time it was. Tomorrow I think I will read a book.
  18. Day 2: Notes: Yesterday a lady fell and was yelling for help. I went into her apartment and phoned 911. This is the second time now, I hope she is ok. I am grateful for: sleep. I get so tired sometimes that it's nice to just sleep. Even today, I needed a nap and it felt great afterwards. Today I: Exercised for 20 minutes *maybe a bit over* because I was trying out some new stretching techniques. Took a half hour nap Went to lunch with my Aunt.
  19. Thank you, It's nice to know I am not the only adventurous one. 🙂 Thanks for the strategies, I WILL have difficulty filling my time but if I run out of things to do, I can always meditate or get ahead in my studies. I will check out that book sometime too.
  20. So, for my first post, this is day 1. It's pretty easy for me to say I want to quit, hopefully, tomorrow will be a little easier. Today I am grateful for: People. Those who are supportive and tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. More specifically, The Stinkrat on discord. Thank you so much for listening to me and pushing me in the right direction. Today I: *Did some laundry *Am on my way to Self Development class in 30 minutes.
  21. So, I moved here to Kansas a little over a year ago and It's been one of the best years of my life. I am going places and doing things, but not as often as I want. Still, compared to last year, I am doing great. Still, I have my share of problems, those problems mostly stemming from gaming. I want to lay this out for you carefully and precisely so you can get an idea of where I am now, so here I go. I played video games 24/7 or around 7-8 years. They helped me escape from the constant drama, insanity and emotional abuse that surrounded me. I kept playing them after I moved, I thought I wanted to quit once a little while back, but that only lasted a day. I just wasn't ready to crawl out of my safe bubble yet. Even before I used gaming to escape, I used other things to escape. I was isolated for 90% of my life and had always had that safe space where I could disconnect from reality. Firstly by imagination. In my youngest days, I used imagination to take me to other worlds where I could forget everything, even just for a little while. Later on, drawing became my escape, then reading and finally, gaming. Gaming was the best escape because it required little effort and took me to new worlds and showed me things I longed to see in the real world. As a person who is considered blind, meaning my vision is poor enough that it doesn't really count, I have always had the desire to explore, travel and go on adventures. But those things were never something I was allowed to do or something I could ever realistically do for myself. At least, not in the way I imagined. My point is, when moving here things were better but I was still afraid to leave my safe place (aka gaming and escapism) because it had become so familiar. I am still hesitant to leave it and I've made some pretty big strides since moving here. For one, I started geocaching. I found my first geocache last month and it was a good feeling. I felt accomplishment and motivation from it. I also have a few other things I have found interest in but I have yet to act on them. Where I am now is much different from where I was. I have noticed a huge rift in my online friendships lately. Even my *best friend* and I rarely talk now. All of my old friends are gamers, and slowly I've felt myself distancing myself from it over the year. Gaming has become a habit and a bad one, it's no longer as important to escape as it once was and instead of escaping, I would like to develop coping mechanisms that work and are good for me. I started exercising a couple months ago, not regularly since gaming has still had a hold on me but amazingly, I walked around 6-8 miles in one day. My Aunt and I spent time at a HUGE new park in Tulsa and we had a lot of fun walking around and seeing everything. By the time we got home, I was exhausted. I loved how that made me feel. I felt tired and felt like I'd achieved something, both of which are great things. And now we arrive at the present. I have so many things I want to do and see, however, I am still gaming and it is having a bad effect on me. I developed a bad case of self loathing a few years ago due to how much I play, and thankfully it IS improving, but quitting games altogether would help so much more. I have infinite reasons to quit. My health, social life, activities, friends, my classes, self-esteem, and mostly, I want my life to be an adventure. I'm tired of pretending I am on one via gaming. I may not be able to travel the world or visit every state or even see all of my state, but there are still adventures I can have and have been missing out on. Geocaching, hiking, being out in nature, being part of the community, volunteering, kyaking, ziplining, swimming and exploration, no matter how small the area. It's time I begin the real adventure and say goodbye to the girl I used to be. I can't promise I won't mess up, but I promise to take it as seriously as possible from this day forward. As for the title of this journal, I want to be the kind of person who isn't always in her room. I want to be helpful and volunteer and just generally be out and about. I also want to keep being kind, and develop a very positive mindset.
  22. You are absolutely right. I have been feeling overwhelmed lately and I can change, I'm just doing it wrong. Doing everything cold turkey after 15 years of it feels impossible. Small steps seem like a great idea. I wanted to do the meetup thing but I'm in a tiny town and there aren't any here. I do need to start going back to activities though. I've been locked in my apartment since after I got home and I've just stayed here. One of my introvert moods I guess. I will try your suggestion. And thank you. :)
  23. I do but I don't. Ever since I got home I've been super exhausted and have been doing NOTHING but playing games and feeling out of it. I'm so stressed out lately because I'm WAY behind in homework due to my being gone so much last month. I'm basically forcing myself to be productive in tiny bits because I just can't seem to focus or feel motivated lately. I realized something too. The problem I'm having isn't because I play video games. Video games are the product of my problems. I have had the same routine for 10+ years. *Wake up, sit at the computer, go to bed.* I had that routine for so many years that I don't know how to change it. Every time I try, I find myself pacing or just staring at the walls and being completely bored and unstimulated. I am not a social person so how am I supposed to find other things to do? Also working out is fine I guess but I always forget to. Plus I sorta hate it. It makes me SO tired. Plus nothing else seems to be as stimulating as the computer. When not gaming, I'm watching youtube, when not doing that I'm watching Netflix. My routine has been to SIT for so long. I just don't know how to change it. Reading is fine yea, but it's nowhere as stimulating as a video game or a youtube video or a movie. I feel like I've lost my love of reading. I used to read SO much back before I had a computer. Would turn off the internet if not for my online schooling. Also, the fact that I'm HORRIBLE at making and keeping friends makes life a lot harder away from the internet. I have NO friends away from the internet. I have social anxiety and the internet has always been the best way to make friends for me, even though I still don't make them well or keep them well on the internet either. I guess my point is, I'm feeling very hopeless. My entire life I've felt like I have no value. My parents definitely didn't help that matter.
  24. My god I'm tired. I started taking thyroid meds again though. I have just been SO BUSY. I went out of town AGAIN this weekend and the week before I was sick. The week before that I was really upset cause my dad was in the hospital. It's been so busy for me. I'm glad to have time to breathe. Just got home and am taking 2 days off to relax. I need it.
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