BooksandTrees

I submitted my application for the apartment today. I really hope it works. I can move in next week if I get approved so it's something to look forward to.

Were you hungry for a type of meal (lunch, dinner, etc.) when you craved sweets or was it more of a sugar craving due to an emotional or environmental situation? If you were hungry, what size meals did you eat beforehand and did you do anything physically or mentally straining that might urge your body to crave sustenance?

I started a nofap diary as well. I think this community is smaller or more close together than that one, but I'll try to get and learn some good information from it.

Lol I always read your posts and think something very important and urgent is being announced and come to full attention to read the post like a dire news bulletin.

I met with my father on father's day and spoke with him for the first time in 8 years. It was a tremendous relief and felt great for me. We both discussed what went wrong in our relationship and reconciled in a positive way. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. Years of hatred can begin to be healed now. He was respectful and understanding. He just listened to me and helped. We spoke for 8 hours or so and it really put a bandage on a wounded part of my heart. Let's hope it can progress and be ok. My mother was very angry about it and got extremely defensive. She kept insulting him in a passive aggressive way. She always seems to deflect anger onto others. If it's not me it is someone else. She didn't say she was happy for me or anything. She just kept making comments like "I'm surprised he didn't fuck you over". "did he try to do this..." etc. It was another frustrating conversation. I left the room to watch TV and came downstairs to just relax on the couch with her. We did not speak and I felt very sad. This is just what I wanted. I wanted us to relax together and not hear any mean words. This made me sad because I know it is just not going to be a reality. I just appreciate that moment. I decided not to buy a house yet. I am not emotionally ready for this. I quit video games but I'm so mentally unstable. I'm relying too much on the opinion of others and that is creating conflict between varying opinions and I've lost my voice and path. The apartment I'm applying for is more expensive than anything I've lived in, but it provides me everything I wanted in a place. It's luxurious, comfortable, has every amenity I need, a private gym, pool, community events, and security. This provides me with the comfort I need to heal while building myself up again.

Are you a hockey fan?

That trip sounded fun. I'm glad you were able to enjoy it. Hopefully it gives you motivation to keep changing some things, not everything, but some things in your life for the better. Where is your native country again?

I'm 34 weeks free of gaming. The weeks are going by and I'm very proud of my ability to not only abstain, but believe in a life where video games are not a necessity to my happiness. As promised, I have big news to share. I was hired again as an engineer. I really missed being an engineer after my time away. People will comment how I gave up on my dream for animation and comedy, but I didn't. I don't think I was ready for such a leap. I had hardly put any effort into developing my skills as a comic or cartoon producer. I also enjoy bridges. I had said I was tired of them, but I think I was burnt out. I actually miss the fact and appreciate how I was able to design our infrastructure. It is cool knowing what goes on behind the scenes and having the inside scoop on what is going to happen around the country years before anyone else knows about it. I also recognized the pride of being an engineer and my great accomplishments in becoming one. Just one look back at my resume/LinkedIn biography just hit me with how accomplished I am. When I look back at the post I wrote before regarding my timeline, I see how much I struggled to get out of my home life and become an engineer. Taking time to be introspective really helped me realize this. My company also treated me very well and I think I got carried away with thoughts regarding my insecurities and self esteem issues. I think having my own space and not sharing with people will help. I place heavy expectations on them and myself and that isn't always the right thing. I need time alone to focus on myself. I also want my own space to work on these new hobbies I've been practicing for the past month. I'm not longer afraid to write a script or create a website. I'm eager to do it now. My issue is there are some nights where I require rest. I wasn't doing that. Having rest is important to recharge. I wasn't allowing myself to watch TV for an hour or read a book because it was unproductive. Calling a friend was a waste of time. It's not. It's just called living life. I appreciate that now and want to work on that more. I was so hooked on being the best student, best employee, best goalie in NHL video games, best and efficient clan leader and RuneScape player, best Overwatch player, most efficient at the gym or yoga, etc. It just made me avoid new hobbies because I needed to be the best at them and it was a tremendous amount of unrealistic pressure and expectations. I started to hate myself and I also let that hate seep into my opinion of others. I'm going to be grateful for my new life. I want to treat work as work, but appreciate what they do for me and not be so entitled. I get entitled when my ego gets large. I have a very large ego that sways my vision and perspective in life. That needs to be destroyed a bit. Ego is good, but too much turns me into Napoleon. I'm putting an offer in on a condo that I really want to own. It's a great property and very affordable for me. If I do not get it I will rent a very upscale apartment because I'm tired of living in these shit apartments that I don't look forward to seeing at all. I need to enjoy life more and part of enjoying life is enjoying your environment. Thanks for reading and helping. Matt

Good job sticking with things and just remember to keep a good sleep schedule, eat regular meals, and stay hydrated. I know that sounds dumb, but maintaining your health promotes a strong mentality and helps you make decisions. Good luck.

Thank you. Big updates tomorrow I think.

I have 17 apartment tours this week as well as 3 job interviews at companies outside of the city and where I have friends working. My mother woke me up at 7:30 after I finally went to bed at 6 AM to start another argument with me. I have never felt so harassed and verbally abused in my life. I am accepting the fact that I need to be an engineer for the next few years while I develop my animation skills, comedy skills, and develop myself in a regular way. I miss being at work honestly. The commute I had was hurting me as well as the bad living situations I've had.

Thank you. I'll see what happens from here. I am taking action from now on.

It is officially over for my relationship with my mother. We agreed to talk tonight about strategies in supporting each other and reconciling our differences to form a habitable environment to heal at home. The conversation lasted 3 hours and was a disaster that I won't spend time divulging. What I will say is that it was the final straw for me. I put so much effort tonight into discussing what I can do better, what has been hurting me, and the reason I don't want to give up on her because I love her and she is so important to me. The night ended with her ignoring everything I said, flipping it, harassing me and manipulating the conversation. Anything I said she'd flip it and repeat it at me as if she was staying a brand new conversation. She then said I only moved home to treat her poorly as an act of revenge against her since I lived with my father for 3 months in 2011. I feel so hurt by all of this. I need to leave. I am heartbroken. I already lost my father because he was so abusive and now my mother just treats me like him and enjoys picking fights with me. I have to accept that both of my parents hurt me and move on. My next step is an apartment and then an engineering job. I will work on my hobbies in my spare time and treat this as the humbling experience I needed to understand patience and self help. I have never met someone as brainwashed and delusional as my mother. I honestly do not know who is worse between her and my dad right now.

Thank you. I appreciate this. I'm trying to keep a note to myself to not reach out to so many people for advice now. I'll talk in the diary, but I have been asking everyone under the sun and that also makes it impossible to clear my mind. I will do my best.

The job is something you'll have to weigh. I'll add some of my thoughts: Don't commute longer than 45 minutes to a job. I did longer than this for 4 years and it made me want to commit suicide. I'm not joking when I say that. I got in a very bad spot mentally. Jobs should be secure. The pressure of someone getting fired will always be in your mind. I was doing well at my old job and someone was fired last year. It still hit me. If I had a few bad days where I wasn't as productive as possible I got very paranoid. I'm not saying you will, but since you are already mentioning it as a red flag, that means you'll think of it on bad days as well. If the CEO is a lunatic that's something that you'd have to experience and weigh out. I have had a great relationship with certain bosses of mine and had people tell me that they were assholes. I got along just fine. I think that's something you'd only be able to decide on after working there. The first few months might be stressful, but after having multiple jobs over 10 years, as well as you, I think you know the first full year is really stressful regardless of how well everything is going due to learning how the company works, who is there, etc. I personally don't like the sound of this, but if it's something you're leaning towards then it could pay off. It's just something you'd have to decide and create a list of pros and cons. This kind of job could have lots of cons with the pros and weighing them vs your current situation is important.