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Question of the week: What are you grateful for?

BooksandTrees

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  1. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    Ok I had my panic attack. I'm moving out of this house. I feel bad because my mom is very important to me and I love her, but she's been an utter disappointment to live with at almost every basic level. I can't handle the 3 hours of commuting per day and I just need some space from shit I left behind. She constantly brings things up about my family and it takes over my life because she allows it to take over her life. I have no free time here and there are too many unwritten commitments I am obligated to be a part of. On top of all of this, she gets offended at the fact that I'm depressed and can't handle it. If I tell her I need help the conversation quickly turns to things that bother her about life and she ignores what is wrong with mine. She repeats things that bother me and won't change. She offers me free rent, but I'm just done. I feel so useless here. I can't clean anything without being yelled at and followed around because she has "OCD" but actually doesn't. She will immaturely say things about me behind my back and won't listen to what is bothering me. We get into arguments each week and regardless what I say about needing her help for depression and motherly advice, she just buys me food and helps out her sisters, my cousins, and her parents along with her friends instead of me. She gives me bandaid blanket statement advice and it's an extreme burden to her. FUCK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tried buying a home and she got extremely offended by it. It's very hard to buy a home right now since the market is so high. I'm going to just wait until the housing market crashes or drops and buy then. So many houses are over priced and these moron first time home buyers are just blindly buying with all of their money, savings, 401k, and more. I've never seen such irresponsible buying from people. They're fucked in 2 years when the market crashes. Anyways. I'm getting an apartment. I can afford one for 5 years without working. I won't do that. I'm going to live in an apartment without bad roommates and without my mom. The commute will be within 15 minutes and I'm going to be disciplined about a meditation and hobby schedule outside of work. I really need to heal and I really need to get into a better spot mentally. I can't handle life sometimes and living here has made me on the verge of breakdown. My job has been difficult and I can't handle the job, commute, and living at home anymore. I'm collapsing and have had to call out of work multiple times just to breathe and be alone. The path to my recovery will be living alone, meditation, yoga, eating healthy again now that my mom won't be forcing me to cook what she wants, and being disciplined with my hobbies. I really need to stick with my hobbies to learn to enjoy them, not to try and force myself to make money off of them. If work thoroughly bothers me then I'll have my answer there and can easily find something new. I'm highly sought after and my credentials are strong. Porn has really hindered my mental capacity recently and I went back to watching it 3 times per day again. It has crippled me. I'm fucking tired of it. I want to live, not suffer. Mood:
  2. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

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  3. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    I'm 26 weeks free of gaming. It's the official half year mark. I feel very strong about my progress. My presentation went well. I taught for 3 hours and then taught for 3 hours at another university. I was asked to come back and teach again. I don't want to do it. Between teaching and driving to these places and not being able to charge it to work I find myself in a situation where I only worked 32 hours last week. I tried working late after regular hours, but I had commitments I didn't want to throw away or reschedule. I tried going to work on Saturday, but ended up crying in the parking lot and driving away to see a movie by myself. I toured some homes I could potentially buy, but I don't want to buy any homes. I don't want to live alone and be lonely with my grief about my career and lack of time. It would take more of my time away from me. My heart is aching and my eyes are wrapped in sorrow. I set goals for myself this weekend and got a lot done. I was able to address all of the hobbies and interests I've been doing and was able to distinguish between realistic and non-realistic goals. This helped me eliminate a lot of things on my mind. I think it's time to give up. I'm so destroyed by my job. I don't look forward to the days in front of me and I try to do my hobbies as a source of potential income instead of happiness. I'm going to attach a YouTube video which explains my situation very well and also a satire news article which also explains my hobby dilemma very well with career distractions. Video: Article: Satire Onion Article About Hobbies
  4. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    I'm 25 weeks free of gaming now. I've also been thinking a lot about my life and how I've been handling things. I put way too much pressure and undue stress upon myself. The Problem: I have a presentation at a college this week and I procrastinated and got depressed and stressed out for 4 months. I panicked over it. I couldn't bear the fact that I had to do work outside of work on something I didn't want to do. I grew furious with the fact that I never do things I want and I can never accomplish my goals because there are always so many things in the way. What Happened? After months of these thoughts and thinking about how much I hate my daily life and haven't been happy, I finished the presentation in 7 hours of work and spent 3 hours practicing it. 10 hours. That's it. I put 4 months of stress, depression, anxiety, and irritability on the forefront of my heart and brain over 10 hours of work. 4 months is 120 days or 2880 hours. So instead of doing 10 hours of work, I stressed out for basically 2880 hours and tried to change my life to avoid it. This is a major underlying problem. Upon examining why I did this, I found that it was multiple factors that proceeded to highlight this issue. The fact that my commute is 3 hours each day, the arguments at home, the hobbies I've been working on and not working on, the fact that I don't get to see friends as much, the unhappiness in the fact that I don't always hang out with a girl I want to date, or work on something fun, or be happy, etc. I also took a long vacation with somebody I ended up hating and felt like once again I wasted my vacation to make someone else happy instead of myself along with turning my happiness into sorrow. At first I thought it was a fear of failure. What if I look stupid in front of these kids? My presentation is also about my job. I was getting very depressed about my job due to commitments with volunteering, 5+ multiple projects, the commute, the feeling of under appreciation, and more. Spending 10 hours on something I was brutally sick of really put me over the edge. It took the final push of the presentation actually being due where I could finally work on it. When I did, I flourished and finished in a reasonable amount of time. What Does this Mean Moving Forward? I need to change my attitude completely. I need to change how quickly I go from happy to sad. If I have to do something I don't want to do I just freeze and panic and get angry. I act like a child. I get excited about doing a good thing and offer to volunteer. I then get angry at myself for volunteering. Instead of doing any hobby I want or see any friends I want to see or try dating (we all know I still like that girl at work, let's be real) I just sit there and complain about the fact that I have to do this task and I don't want to do it. So I sit at home and do nothing. I read the internet, watch TV, and lounge. I then start to get irritated and annoyed that I have this looming over me. I then get scared that I have to do it. I feel like I'm not smart enough. I have goals for myself. Too many. I want to create a media studio, YouTube channel, website(s), podcast(s), write books, exercise, date, buy a house, create forms of passive income, see my friends, travel, learn to draw, sculpt, exercise, cook new food, oh and write a full fledged cartoon. The pressure I put on myself to achieve all of this is insurmountable. Instead of looking at the list and saying "Oh, I'll work on...these 3 today and see what happens. They seem like fun." I just sit there and freak out like a moron. If anything I've just learned about this project and my years of school and work, it's that I can do anything I set my mind to, it's never as bad as I think it's going to be, and if I just relax and enjoy the process then I'll have fun and take stress off of myself. The reason I get so angry so fast is because I'm regretting not having fun, I know I'm stressing myself out, I want to enjoy life, and I want to enjoy all the things I listed above that I've put off because I had previously been too afraid and just played video games. Without the games there's been so much tension regarding doing these hobbies that I've become very irritable and stressed. My mindset and attitude will be changed now.
  5. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    So I went to the doctors and took a test regarding my digestive system. I was suffering from extreme bloating, gas, pain, cramps, etc. After testing I was diagnosed with a severe case of SIBO. This is small intestine bacterial overgrowth. It causes chronic fatigue, improper absorption of vitamins a, b, and d, severe bloating, poor diet issues, painful digestion, and much more. I'm on an antibiotic to kill the excess bacteria. It is caused by genetics, stress, poor diet, and bad luck. I think this contributed to a major amount of my depression and anxiety because I'm afraid of throwing up so I don't go out much. I also just feel so uncomfortable, etc. Hopefully this improves my life.
  6. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    Thanks man. I think I came home for an easy way out of life as an engineer, but I also really enjoy my friends in engineering and although my mom does nice things for me, she's so lost mentally that she just says some of the most insulting things to me that make me feel so terrible about myself as a person. Then she'll get apologising or making me a dinner randomly or trying to talk to me. Lol. I don't want to repeat what she's been saying. It's not worth it. Makes me feel like I'm such a burden to her existence. My goal is to get an apartment near work. I'm going to be more disciplined in my time there. Back in December when I moved out I was only 6 weeks out of gaming. It was hard to focus on my writing or hobbies or seeing friends. I'm now 24.5 weeks free of gaming and know how I want to budget my time between seeing friends, relaxing, and working on hobbies. I'm ready to live now. I'll slowly build a media outlet on YouTube and a website. I'll post funny videos, take online classes, write my books over time write my stories, sculpt, cook, see people, date, vacation, everything. I'm confident in who I am. I love comics, cartoons, hockey, anime, scifi, all kinds of food and music, sculpture, drawing, painting, bowling, pool, socializing, writing, singing, dancing, so much more as well. I'm gonna see friends because I'm the leader. I'm the one who organizes things. That's just the way it is. I'm the one who needs to take charge and get a woman I want. I'm gonna relax when I want, read when I want, etc. We are amazing people who should not feel trapped. We have options and just need to work for our dreams until we can live them.
  7. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    I think I'm moving out of my house. I can't deal with it anymore. I was told a few things last night that really made me feel like trash and I just want to go.
  8. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    Hi I am just a little tired of the same process. I get depressed and think I'm lonely. I then reach out to my friends and they talk to me. I do this for a few months and they always respond, but rarely initiate. I then get tired of it and realize I'm the only one putting in effort. So I can be resourceful and ask them for help and be more social, but at the same time it's just kind of fake and I know I'll never be that close with them - so I just give up I think. I know they "care" about me, etc. I hold a spot in their minds, but I don't feel "special" or "thought of". I want people to think of me and yearn for my inclusion in their lives. I do not have that unless it's a giant get together. As for work, I have a backlog of work to produce and complete. It's just that all of the projects tasked to me are disappointing and boring. They're tough projects and I usually excel at them, but I'm tired of them as well. They don't really do anything for me besides pay my bills. I understand how fortunate I am to make a high salary, but it is empty and not meaningful to me. I stopped taking stupid projects from people who just pile work onto others and leave the office. I just tell them no. I never really had an issue with this, though. What I did stop doing was these presentations, teaching, and other forms of volunteer time. I assist middle school students twice a week from November until February. I drive 1 hour there, 1 hour back, and spend 1 hour there. The kids barely focus, talk the whole time, and don't get much done. It's a waste for me to be there. I sit with them, I help them as much as I'm allowed, I teach them easy concepts that I break into a simple form - and they do get it. They reproduce what I say and show they understand. I just draw concepts and don't show any equations or crazy math. It's not overwhelming. I just don't enjoy it. I then teach college kids and they only talk to me so they can give me a resume or ask for career advice. I don't really care about helping them. The thing that has really crushed me has been the fact that I offered to teach a guest lecture at a prestigious university. The engineering society I joined was asked by a friend of mine to send someone to teach a lecture. I like my friend and wanted to help so I offered to teach the lecture. While preparing the lecture I had a meltdown. I got angry that I keep wasting my spare time to help people and not help myself. I spend hours and hours preparing this lecture, which will be the standard hour long lecture. I've never done a 1 hour presentation before so naturally I am nervous. But on top of nerves, I'm disappointed that I offered to help, and, while preparing my presentation, I realized how much I dislike my career. The presentation is about engineering after college and what our responsibilities are. I got so depressed. I would much rather create fun content, write, or do create an entertainment studio. The issue is how scary it is to leave a career where I'm so well liked. My society loves me, my job is great for people who like engineering, my coworkers are nice, and my pay and benefits are great. I'm just miserable because I don't love it. I'm competitive so I'll be jealous if people below me now get higher positions than me eventually and brag about it. I chose engineering because I wanted to be elite. I wanted to show people that I can do impressive things and be better than them. I did this because I was angry and slighted most of my life. I chose engineering to look down upon people who looked down upon me instead of live a life with love and passion. I am now poisoned by it with depression, anxiety, and empty-heartedness. I want to get out of the presentation, but I can't because of how much effort my friend had to put forward. I need to hit a home-run with it as well because of my pride. I'll feel better after all of this is over with on April 17th. I'm just angry that I'm treating things like school again. Hope you're doing well. I'll try to be around more. I'm just lost emotionally and have been doing some deep thinking.
  9. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    I've reached a major breaking point in the past couple weeks. This was made worse by watching the new 'Joker' trailer, which looks amazing. The reason it made it worse was seeing how similar to Arthur I am. I felt so bad for him and I just ended up feeling bad for myself. I think it's amazing how alone and sad I am. People like my entertainment factor and gravitate towards me at events, but outside of events I am alone. Outside of work I am alone. I don't even know why I am posting on here either. I have come to the conclusion that I don't even want to get my engineering license this fall. I'm so detached from my career. My commute is terrible, but even at my apartment 5 minutes from my office I was miserable. I listened to a podcast about a woman creating cartoons and how much she loved cartoons and I began to cry at my office and had to leave. In my spare time I just sit and cry because it's the only time I have to myself to exhale after the long week. I want to be productive, but I need time to decompress. This lifestyle is taking my heart from me. Last Monday I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote the first chapter of a new book that came to me in a dream. I wrote for hours and went to work with little sleep, but I was happier than I had been in months. I enjoyed every second of the writing and then felt wonderful afterwards. It's the feeling I searched for with porn. I'd watch porn and enjoy it, only to feel dead inside immediately after. I then went to work and was miserable. I hate how my friends rarely reach out to me to talk about things. They respond when i need help or advice, but I'm never called upon to talk. I'm lonely. I'm 24 weeks free of video games and happy about that. I'm still watching porn, but the desire is going away. I watch less than 3 times per week and the urges are subsiding. I feel like a breakthrough is happening there. My soul needs healing in a very bad way.
  10. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

  11. 1. Learn to let things go and treat myself better. 2. Live life with intention and not hold myself back from things I want to do whether they're big goals or something small like getting an ice cream. 3. Expand upon love: Love myself; a loving romantic relationship; loving life; loving friends; loving projects; loving pets; etc.
  12. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. I think I'm just driving myself insane. I don't think I have a lot of these disorders. I'm still going to talk to my therapist about them though. I'm going to be stuck until I just make the decision. I can't move out of my house into an apartment or buy a home if I quit my job. I have to buy or rent first. Buying a house without a job is suicide financially. There's just so much I want to do and I have such little time to do it so I constantly feel the pressure to perform and act on it to make change. Even if I like the activity, I feel hyper focused on doing it well. Most of the things I do in life I'm just doing to make extra money so I can leave my industry one day. My mom said she'd understand if I stayed home and has been a lot better. We haven't fought in over a week. I really need to just make a decision about this all because I get frustrated at work if I think about it. If I just think of work I do fine and can go home and do what I want. If I could just keep a clear mind and positive attitude I could finish my work faster, go home, live life more instead of freezing and watching porn after stressing out, and learn if I like these activities instead of just quitting blindly and leaving behind a high paying job for something I don't know about. I'm sorry for annoying you all with my issues.
  13. BooksandTrees

    Moving on

    That's something I wish I could do. I think constantly expecting to be productive causes so much stress and turmoil. Being mindful and present can allow you the mental freedom of choice in the future. I sound like a hypocrite saying that since I can't seem to do it recently. I'm glad you are feeling better.
  14. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    That's true. I think most of mine is just biting the bullet and going for my dreams and trying to live life the way I want. I just don't think I can do it at home.
  15. BooksandTrees

    Dear Diary...

    Thank you. I'll keep people updated after my therapy session. There's some great content online with people sharing their experiences and it feels like they're talking about me since it's so relatable. I've wondered if I was bipolar for years now, but people with bipolar disorders have longer manic episodes. Mine last a few hours and then I crash. I literally have 7 to 9 out of 9 of the indicators on a daily basis and it's so painful and exhausting with the depression headaches. They say people can develop BPD from childhood abuse and neglect. I've mentioned this in multiple posts. There are also impulsive and have addictive behaviors (porn, binge eating, sex, drugs, etc.). So even if I'm not diagnosed, I think similar treatment could work since it's so similar.
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