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BooksandTrees

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About BooksandTrees

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  1. I woke up again tonight out of panic and anxiety. I'm sorry for writing so much this week. I'm just struggling. I'm writing down my thoughts so I can discuss with my therapist this week. This is a very open piece: Extreme fear and worry is causing me to overheat, panic, and wake up from sleep thinking I'm in danger. I worry about death, disease, work, being happy, and people in my life. I'm extremely afraid of the dark. I've always been afraid of monsters and scary things. I leave one light on and turn another off walking room to room. I'm afraid of being alone. Any noise I hear I think is an intruder. I need to sleep with a loud fan on to block any noises. I used to have extreme visions at night as a child thinking I could die at any second. I'd have horrifying nightmares of being tortured by demons and people. People around me dying. I'd think I saw them at night and wake up screaming for my mom because I thought I was going to die. This lasted until I was 13 when I got addicted to runescape and porn and could escape. I'm so afraid of horror movies that I avoid them at all costs out of panic and extreme fear of having nightmares or thoughts of seeing them alone at night. At night I think one of the monsters will attack unless I cover my whole body, including face, with pillows and blankets. I have images in my head of extremely scary things that force me awake in sweat during times of panic, not every night. My heart hurts and I'm overheating. I only feel safe sleeping during the day, then I waste more time sleeping. I'm exhausted and depressed and lonely all day. I grow hateful, but really just want love. I feel abandoned by my parents and their stupidity. They tell me all their problems and stress me out or start fights. Nobody is there for me. My friends make me feel bad for putting stuff on them and I don't get invited out due to complaining or not drinking with them. In my spare time I have extreme anxiety over what I should be doing to use this time properly. I worry about wasting time. I try to find a hobby but I can't have fun with it. I try to be perfect at it to make money and I constantly worry that I'll be ridiculed for it. I've given up all things that make me happy like anime, legos, magic the gathering, video games (I was playing 12 to 18 hours a day and severely addicted), television, sports, watching sports, e.t.c. I miss playing with toys as a kid. But I fear of being ridiculed. Like, I think it's bull shit that you can't play with legos or toys past 13 years old or else you get called a faggot and a pussy. My friends in high school came over when I was 15 and saw my action figures and legos and made fun of me. Then they told people at school. I threw them all away when I got home and put my legos in boxes. I had nothing after that besides video games, which they also made fun of me for playing every day. Women will think you're pathetic and not a man. It's humiliating. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I loved toys so much. It's another reason I played video games. I'm viewed as a failure by society if I play with a toy and make sound effects. What woman would want that? What friends want that? I'm such a loser in their eyes. You ask why I'm so full of hatred. That's a huge reason. People have always been shit to me and I fucking hate them for it. I hate that they're happy and I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy. If not that then it's for ethnic reasons. People are assholes and just want to hate you or hate something. All I do in life is wake up, snooze a ton, go to work unhappy, feel important getting work done but not enjoy any of it, talk to coworkers for my only social activity, go home and do nothing. I eat a lazy meal, browse the internet, watch porn, and don't allow myself to have fun. Any hobby I try to turn into a career to make money so I can quit my job because it stresses me out. I'm afraid of dating because I'm a 29 year old virgin and think they'll ridicule me for it. I'm such a failure. Women don't want a man like me. There's so much pressure on men to be these sexual stallions. If they find out I am inexperienced I'll be made fun of, again. The number one insult for men is being called a virgin. Great. Sure, I'm an alpha male at work and at most things I do and am the leader. I'm also good looking and have a decent life, but I haven't been with a woman due to the abuse and anxiety I've faced. I've been afraid of being with a woman because I get stressed out by the thought of them consuming my thoughts. I can't focus on anything else because I'm so happy I'm with them. I don't trust relationships. I don't want them seeing me as weak. I'm going to turn to them to be motherly to me sometimes for emotional support because my mom failed me so often emotionally with neglectful abuse. I'm just so afraid of being vulnerable. I've very rarely had anyone I could turn to for comfort. I've never had anyone I could hug and confide in. I think that's why I'm such a cold person on the surface. My thoughts are so extreme. When I socialize with other people it distracts me from my anxiety and I feel normal. That's why I have no issues talking to a therapist. When I'm alone these thoughts race and cripple me. I can't handle it. I just get so exhausted being around other people that I don't like doing it. I don't want to be around people all day but I hate being alone. That gives me anxiety.
  2. I've decided I am not giving myself a fair shot and it's causing some major problems for myself. After talking to Jay and Vera and reading my posts today I've realized I'm becoming someone who is avoiding life. I don't leave the house on the weekends or after work and I'm miserable. I'm resentful of others who do live life. I've attached a checklist I intend on following and we'll see how it goes. I'm getting embarrassed seeing people see me having a mental breakdown of sorts.
  3. How did the daughter eventually get diagnosed?
  4. I've been asked twice and seen a psychiatrist who doesn't think I have a major mental illness. They just say I can try anti anxiety medication if I want, but I'm functioning fine.
  5. I was kind of panicking about the coronavirus and how it has killed about 100 people so far. This got me depressed, but I started reading about other diseases and viruses that are existing today. Over 1.5 million people die each year from tuburculosis, over 1 million people die each year from malaria, 100 thousand people die from the flu, 100 thousand die from cholera, and 17 million people die from heart disease and cardiovascular complications each year. I say this because I think there are so many diseases out there with many of them out of our control. Sure, there are some vaccines out there (if you're an anti-vaxxer you're a problem and so are your children), but it kind of makes me relax a little bit. I have been panicking for the past week and honestly considering buying lots of food in preparation for never leaving my home. That's how anxious I was getting. But there is so much out there in the world and you can't predict anything. I think I'm just so afraid of dying, sad about not living my best life, and missing out on things. I am so distraught by not living the way that I want that I just freeze in my spare time and can't enjoy life. I need to change this. I realized it last night and wanted to spend today living the typical life I was envisioning, but then had a major anxiety issue and stayed up until 4 AM. I've become very stressed by work and Sundays are crippling me in many ways. The past 5 weeks I've gotten to work on Monday extremely late and I even took last Monday off. I'm fine after Monday. It's like jumping into a freezing pool of water and being afraid of how cold your balls are going to be, so you just avoid it.
  6. Welcome to the community. The gratitude journal is a great way to recover and so is your commitment to exercise. Good luck.
  7. I know all of this. But nothing gives me happiness. Nothing motivates me when I wake up. I am empty with nothing to strive for in life. On weekdays I get up and go to work because I have to help complete projects. It's not exciting for me most of the time and I sort of just resent some of the coworkers that get away with skimping out on work because I have to work more to cover up for their mistakes, even when my bosses know about the mistakes. We're too busy to fire people which is the problem. On weekends there's nothing I look forward to doing. I wake up and feel so miserable that I need to take my mind off of things immediately by watching a tv show or going back to bed or sometimes watching porn. I start to have anxiety about how to spend my free time because most of the week I don't spend my time well during the rest of the week. I put so much pressure on my weekends to make me happy and I just crash because I have nothing to do, nobody to spend my time with, and not many people who care. I'm apprehensive about spending money now because of how much I've had to spend on moving this year and expensive rent to avoid living with my mom. Rent is too expensive. I make more money now than both my parents did combined for the first 20 years of their marriage and I can't afford a home smaller than the one I lived in. Times are so stupid right now. Rich people controlling land and housing markets depress me. This is why I'm frozen in a way. I can't spend money ever because of the hope of buying a home. The depression I go through during each day makes having a home useless anyways. I don't have many close friends I see, I don't have a family. I'll just get a home and live alone again. There's no love in my life at all from anywhere or any place. People tell me that it's the dopamine addiction speaking that I need to have something to do, but that's not true. I just feel like I have no purpose whatsoever and I'm just forcing meaning and purpose into all of my hobbies. I have this crushing anxiety about being useful with my time. I also have such great fear about life. Look around all of us at the things we can't control with the government, the coronavirus, climate change, etc. It's a disaster. All of that going on and I'm supposed to ignore it to find something that brings me happiness. It's hard to overlook. Doing simple things won't make me happy. I can't just exercise and feel better. I'm past the point of escapism. I feel very hopeless. Life has beaten me down and I grow incredible amounts of hatred towards people who are happy because of it. I don't hate them. I'm just jealous or tired of seeing people so ignorant. I don't even feel the desire to meet a woman. Like, what is she going to do? How is that going to fix anything? I'm not getting happiness from anything. I have to battle through these hobbies to find something. My end goal would be to somehow become profitable enough off of my cartoons or comedy to quit my engineering job and just live a peaceful life somewhere else. But would that bring my happiness? I don't even know. I just feel like I'm existing on earth until I die and I'm very afraid of that as well, as is everyone. I'm honestly angry that my parents gave birth to me just for me to die one day. I don't think it's fair. Thanks for the comment.
  8. No worries. I know that's not where you were coming from so that's why I didn't cut you down lol. I'm just gonna stick with it. I think we all have so much we want and expect from ourselves. It's just going to take some time.
  9. How is exercise going for you? I'm interested in trying again.
  10. Definitely support her. If she came to you with this contemplation of suicide then she's been thinking about it for weeks if not months or longer and hasn't told anyone. So this is a big moment for you to support her. I think seeing a doctor is the right thing here. Even if she gets hospitalized for some time it might help as well depending on the severity of it all. I hope that she's able to heal and nothing bad happens.
  11. 1. I can agree here. I guess I'm just in that mode where I'm still frustrated learning a new hobby. In all honesty it's the first time I've found a hobby in my 66 weeks of quitting games that I've enjoyed. So even though I've been successful in quitting games, I still have that frustration of "not coming home to something specific and just doing it for fun" like I used to with games. It's getting there, but I'm not diversifying my activities enough to balance fun properly. So I think that's just going to take some time for me. 2. I don't really care that they're compensating for something. I still find it rude that they stare or act tough when they've never talked to me. They're doing the same thing. I have empathy for others, but sometimes after years of seeing something I just don't enjoy it anymore. I do have an anger issue. It festers for sure. I have gotten better over the past 10 years, but it's something that will likely be a long process. I've mentioned previously that my dad had a very violent temper and my mom had a very distorted temper where she'd assume things and manipulate people. I come from a product of that environment. I've been learning a lot about how to handle these angry thoughts logically and change. Sometimes it's just difficult. Writing in this diary helps me write my raw frustration out and then analyze it like you just did here. It's a form of reflection for me. I do harbor lots of angry thoughts and have worked at not holding them in, but recycling those thoughts into positive ones. It just takes time when I grew up that way. It's a valid point. 3. The quote is true. I find that once I get my anger out I'm more calm and can easily be creative and do artistic or comedic things. I think that quote is a little too static in my case. I think I get very stressed and filled with anger and look to dump it on people or things. Then I have to recycle that anger and turn it into positive productivity like through hobbies or a gym. Through that direction I then have the ability to do interesting things and create something new with a broader perspective.
  12. I've been thinking about this for a while, but I don't think I have enough fun or enjoyment in my life. It's making me feel like everything I do is boring. Work is work and it's boring. Just because I enjoy my career doesn't mean it's exciting. If work is exciting it's when I won a new project, finished a project, or have an adrenaline rush at a deadline. Outside of work I just come home immediately and have nothing to do. I don't want to study for my test right away because it's just dense math. I don't enjoy solving it. It's not fun and has no end product other than me passing my test in 3 months. I always found solving problems in school to be redundant and a hollow measure of a person's intelligence. I won't ramble on this post. I just don't think studying is fun. The 3D modeling is not really fun right now. It's lots of classes online to master the techniques I'm learning. I want to jump into making things for fun, but I'm trying to expedite my learning by going through and learning as much as possible. I'm not just learning material. There are tutorials with each class so you follow along and learn tremendous things. I guess I just want to make stuff on my own. Maybe I can incorporate 1 day per week with me doing my own creations for fun. Like in sports, practice was boring, but playing the games was fun. I've really enjoyed reading before bed. The worlds I discover often keep me up late at night because they provide me with excitement I haven't seen. I want to continue reading for this purpose and to develop my reading comprehension and vocabulary. It's also a great way to relax, while having fun. It also keeps me away from porn at night and helps me fall asleep when I'm not consumed by the plot. My meals are rather boring. I get frustrated cooking the same boring meals and want some excitement. I just don't often want to spend the time researching new recipes. I'm tired of learning, even though it's mindless following of recipes. I have lots of fun searching for porn videos, but no fun looking for recipes. Food doesn't really excite or comfort me the way sex does. I'm happy about that in a way because I'm not fat. Then again, I have a porn addiction. Nobody really wins. I like rock climbing, but it's expensive. I'm tired of having to spend money for excitement. Video games were so cheap. I don't enjoy riding bikes or running. Exercise is boring because it's so repetitive unless you have an extensive knowledge base for different exercises to try. Exercise is only good when you have a solid foundation rooted in your daily/weekly routine to keep you charged. It's viewed the same way as I mentioned reading above. I guess I just don't want to do that right now because I hate going to gyms. I hate seeing people at the gym. I hate the music at the gym. I hate getting asked if I want a trainer at the gym. I hate the awkward locker rooms at the gym and seeing these old guys walk around naked. Or they just smell like shit. I hate seeing people act all intense at the gym while they're working out. You're not proving anything. I get the intensity when you're lifting, but just the fucking men and women who walk around between sets staring everyone down until they back down because it gives them an adrenaline boost for their next set like they're about to fight. I don't like spending time with my friends because all they want to do is "HEy lET's go ANd grAB DrinkS AftER wOrK!". I don't want to drink after work. I don't like alcohol anymore. They get all weird when you drink water and are more apprehensive. It makes them feel weird that they're drinking and you're not, so they're now not as comfortable talking to you. Then they just stop asking you out because it's not as fun for them. The people you meet at bars is a joke and I'm beyond it. It's hard to find sports to play with people, especially in the winter. Winter sucks. I'm not a fan of ski and snowboarding culture. I grew up poor and attended a wealthy school. All of these kids got to go skiing and snowboarding with their rich parents and ridiculed me for not doing the same. Even talking to them at work I don't get along. They're all rich and I wasn't. I'm in a class system at work that I technically don't belong in. They have no worry, take everything for granted, and are very selfish. I only really relate to like a handful of the people. These people go to ski lodges together, drink and do drugs, then brag as if it was the best thing they've ever done, then do poorly on the projects I assign them and act like entitled assholes. There's nothing else to really do in the winter. You can ski, snowboard, snowmobile, skate, play hockey, ice fish, rock climb, bowling, pool, maybe play an indoor sport...? It's all wicked expensive. It will run you about 200 per month even if you do it once per week. That's $2,400 per year on a random night out. I don't really find that appealing. Maybe I'm the rare case. I don't like spending money because I never had it and I never want to be poor again. Everything is just so expensive and none of my friends are the creative types that just want to do fun things from scratch. I'm lost.
  13. I also forgot to add that today I'm 66 weeks free from gaming.
  14. Let me know how a relationship impacts your life along the way. I'm curious because I tend to think they'll ruin my life, but I want to be wrong. I want relationships to open new doors for me lol.
  15. What kind of hobbies can you pick up that don't involve the internet for Saturdays. You could meal prep for 2-3 hours, read for a couple hours, practice yoga, meditate, meet up with friends for a walk or lunch, draw, build something, etc.
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