BooksandTrees

I did it. I blocked him again. I couldn't take it. I wrote this letter: "Dear Dad and name, After lengthy consideration i have decided that it is in the best interest of me and my family if we are no longer in contact with each other. We did not speak to each other from 2011 to 2019 for several reasons. We reconnected in 2019 and had a long conversation to move forward. Over the past couple of years, this year in particular, I've noticed extreme parallels in your behavior and communication with me and my family that occurred with me and mom. This is concerning to me and the past week really brought things to an end. Memories of pain have been resurfaced in my heart and mind and as a parent and husband, it is my duty to shield myself from this pain again, but not only myself this time, my wife and son too. I ask that you please respect this decision. You and her, or anyone else seeking communication with us on your behalves, are not welcome to call, text, email, write letters, contact on social media, or any form of communication with us. You are also not welcome on our property and will be considered to be trespassing. I wish you good luck for the foreseeable future. I hope you two have a happy life together. I hope the new house is quiet and cozy for you both. I hope you stop getting kidney stones and your battle with diabetes gets better. Thank you, "

I've noted in my journal that my dad abused me for my entire adolescence as well as my mom. I mentioned i didn't talk to him from 2011 to 2019. The past 5 years have been tough. Sometimes he's done good things for me but many times he's still remained abusive and narcissistic. This past weekend, his girlfriend texted my wife and me with a very passive aggressive text saying they're going to do a drive by and do off Christmas gifts because they weren't going to see us for Christmas. They came by unannounced on Monday, dropped off the gift, and left. The card she wrote accused us of ignoring my father and not inviting him over for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was a disaster for my family because my wife almost died from an infection, my son never slept and we were sleep deprived, a construction accident occurred at my house and we lost power and internet, and we barely made it to my wife's family's party. My dad has been lying to his girlfriend about how much support he's given me over the years. He lied and said we're best friends. He never checks on my health, my wife, or my son who died at birth and was resuscitated. He said I spend too much time with my son and wife and not him and his girlfriend. As I write this, im crying. I feel like I have to explain to her all of the abuse of endured and hopefully she'll see and apologize. But I've been thinking about what to say and I've just suffered immensely. Flashbacks of his torture fill my mind and heart. I'm scared again. I'm depressed again. I'm anxious and paranoid again. My mom said I don't need to explain anything to them. I said I do. Now that I've had to endure these horrible memories again, I don't think it's fair to put myself through it again. It hurts so much. I've based my whole life on not being like him. I just want to block him and move on now. I thin my mom is right. It's not worth explaining to them why I'm upset. Off he hasn't changed, he never will. And she's been brainwashed by him.

I've decided to not post for a while until life improves. I apologize to those who have been long readers and i apologize to my friends on here who always talk. It's just too much to write about and it's so exhausting.

I wrote a poem about postpartum depression induced rage. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

It's tough. I think we're making good progress on our addictive habits overall if we compare to years ago. It's just one of those things that's going to be a battle of endurance and patience. We've got this.

I got 3 days of better sleep for some reason. It's like he got a splash of life without sleep regression. But last night almost no sleep and I'm exhausted again. It's like I didn't catch up on sleep at all. One day. I'm trying to look at the positives. Overall it's a better week and I'm hopeful he'll climb out of it soon.

Thank you very much @Ikar, @D_Cozy, and @wheatbiscuit. I appreciate the responses and honesty. I am sorry to hear about your families and history of abusive behavior as well. I feel like it definitely shapes us. I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing i think. We're so exhausted. I just don't have the energy in me to get through the week and then go down and visit people on the one or two days i have to recover from the week. And they're just vampires. I feel a lot better about this now. I'm just gonna keep focusing on the 3 of us and looking for little victories along the way. I'm also giving up on the hope of him sleeping through the night. I think that's hurting me because if he doesn't sleep then it feels like someone punched me in the face and I want to give up. My wife suggested little victories like 2 or3 hours of sleep and continue to celebrate small things to get me out of my current depression. I've been leaning on porn a lot more again. I was watching it once a month for all of summer and spring. Now I'm watching it every night again from the past 3 weeks. It's like my only form of quick release again. So I'm just gonna try to bring that back down slowly.

Good to hear about your health. I'm curious if you've considered self a nutritionist too? I've gotten a lot of help from mine.

This is a great concept. I've always heard letters to your past self but I think that only helps you in the present and not drive you into your future. Keep up with this.

That's such a cool idea. My wife and I would voice act the scripts I wrote before I got too busy. I'm writing a book now but I miss doing that with her.

This was a good weekend as a family. I have a dilemma because my grandparents haven't met my son yet and pressure is mounting to do so before they die. The issues I have are that I don't really like my grandparents. They treated me poorly growing up and treated their kids poorly. I always hated being around them. They live over an hour and a half from me, they only want to see him because it's *their* grandkid. They never ask me how he's doing or how my wife and I are doing even though we're struggling with depression and anxiety. The weekends are the only time I can visit them and I use the weekend as m my time to spend with my son the most because I only get a couple hours a day during the week. If I bring him over, 10 of my relatives would also invite themselves over to see him and I don't want him being around them. They're not good people. Am I a bad person for not bringing him? I think my family benefits more from weekend time together.

It's highly discouraged to sleep in the same bed here because of sids and the potential to roll over onto your baby. So he's in our room but in his crib. He sleeps better when he's on us or with us but we are afraid to and won't have him sleep with us. You're probably right though, he'd sleep better lol.

Sorry you're going through a sleep regression as well. We're going to be a little more brave with getting him on solid foods so he can sleep longer as well. He gets a good amount of tummy time and is developing a ton so I have to imagine all of this development is causing a regression. I'd pay for 4 hours of sleep lol.

Thank you so much. I'm replying during a wake up feed as we speak. I bought a book called the happy sleeper and I'm hoping that helps. But I feel like the only real way for him to sleep longer is solid food and then the self soothing like you mentioned.

You're doing good. Keep with it. There's a very small percentage of people in the world that actively try to improve themselves and you're one of them.