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BooksandTrees

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7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I made it through last night without relapsing, but tonight I was reading a sports article and saw a tv advertisement for a figure skating program and was triggered by the women skater on the advertisement. Like, why does she need to be wearing nothing? I get kind of annoyed that most women's sports show off way more of their bodies than male sports' uniforms. Look at the different between figure skaters, tennis players, volleyball players, golf, lacrosse, etc. The only sports where they're basically the same is hockey, basketball, baseball/softball, and football and soccer. The ones where men wear less is swimming unless they choose to wear a bodysuit and winter sports like skiing and snowboarding. It's tough to ignore this. I am more attracted to athletic women by a mile so it's just difficult to visit a sports page.

Most advertisements for men's sports are through violence and competition. Most advertisement for women's sports is sex appeal and branding for that individual star. So frustrating.

I am not sure if it was Manson who wrote this, but I remembered that if something over time can turn into a light version porn, then it will, because then it is more likely to capture attention. But it's already been established that the best way to sell something to someone is by identifying their insecurities. I guess the most resilient to this are people who are in good long-term relationships that are based off of something higher than primal instincts, but these people will always be in the minority, as putting that relationship together must be extremely difficult. After all, when some women find out that their partner is watching porn, the relationship is over at that point.

Do you plan to not masturbate forever? What are your plans? How do you define success?

I love the attack chopper by the way 😄

 

 

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I am asking myself something similar like @Ikar. And personally, for me the most important thing is to get rid of fucking porn. Really what matters at least to me. So far, I am quite successful. And isn't like at least masturbating without porn a lot better then with it? So why are female athletes on covers a problem? Isn't it kinda hard to resist everything female related in the internet? LIke almost impossible? The only exception of course is porn, since it really can "fuck up" your libido.

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1 hour ago, Alexanderle said:

I am asking myself something similar like @Ikar. And personally, for me the most important thing is to get rid of fucking porn. Really what matters at least to me. So far, I am quite successful. And isn't like at least masturbating without porn a lot better then with it? So why are female athletes on covers a problem? Isn't it kinda hard to resist everything female related in the internet? LIke almost impossible? The only exception of course is porn, since it really can "fuck up" your libido.

Yes and no. It's not as much about what it actually is you masturbate to, rather than your relationship/attachment towards it. Not watching porn while masturbating is good, but not fantasizing while masturbating is even better. You want to focus on the act itself. But to be truly in the moment... that is an art.

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Not watching porn while masturbating is good, but not fantasizing while masturbating is even better

Wait. What? How do you even get off then? I thought the whole point of being able to fantasize is to be completely free in what you want to think of. I wouldn't be able to do it if I can't do that. Hell, I don't even know how I would begin to turn that switch off. I don't really think there's anything erotic about the act itself at all. It's kind of funny or primate-like even XD

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Thank you for the support. I figured I'd just write a general reply since this got so many responses. 

I plan on going as far as possible without masturbation before doing it again. It kind of reminds me of gaming in moderation. Eventually I'll have a full blown relapse. Many people are still compulsive, chronic masturbators and don't watch porn. I could masturbate with the urges and stress that I have, but it's too soon from quitting porn. I've been at the 7 day mark so many times and failed because I tried masturbation without porn and then do it a ton then I'm searching for porn again. 

My mind is wired to deal with stress, depression, anxiety, loneliness, arousal, happiness, tiredness, and boredom by watching porn and masturbation. I need to train myself to recognize urges and change the direction I go in. 

Take last night for example: I was tired, cold, and saw the picture of a figure skater's exposed hip/pelvic/ass area with the smallest coverage. When I watch porn I'm desensitized to it. Instead of looking at the man and woman having sex, I look at specific parts of her body for arousal. I search for specific porn stars with the most appealing body areas, not their whole body, just specific parts that I'm more attracted to than others. 

I almost caved, but nofap has taught me to replace steps on the ladder with urges and addiction. You get a queue to watch porn and the brain recognizes the sequence. It now wants dopamine and other chemicals released from sex. It gives you an erection and you need to watch porn. 

I stopped it.

I closed the website immediately and opened this website to post my struggles. I then read posts about how I felt when I relapsed. I then read about people encouraging me and I felt less alone. I exercised to burn away the impulses of porn and masturbation addiction. This got my body heat rising so i wasn't cold anymore. I then had the energy to 3d model. 

I don't plan on avoiding advertisements or things with attractive women on them. I don't get urges in public. It's just at home. I plan on learning to deal with these urges at home. Which is why I don't think I'll be able to masturbate for over a month because I'm going to keep seeing new triggers. 

You'd be surprised how many things trigger you once you're struggling. Each one I deal with I find another. I've had porn addiction longer than gaming. Almost 17 years vs 15. 

Women don't want me to watch porn. If I see something that I find arousing it isn't natural to just search for it online. I need to put the time and effort into meeting a woman when I'm emotionally ready. I've decided in the past to try online dating when I've wanted sex in real life, not porn. Sex isn't the only thing in a relationship. I've been looking at relationships for the potential to have sex. That's going to lead to a failed relationship.

Relationships should be focused around the partnership you feel with them and how both of your lives can be improved through a union of lifestyles, goals, and support. They'd support me with my career, hobby, and life goals and I'd do the same. Love is built through that. Then through that happiness you can develop lust naturally since we're all animals anyways. 

I know lust comes earlier since being physically attracted to that person is like 90% of why we date them, but the whole thing can't be about sex. If it were I'd be trying to have sex with someone 3 to 10 times a day and trying tons of new ways to spice the dynamic since I'd get bored doing the same thing that often. 

I'm in it for the long haul. 

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Today I'm 65 weeks free from gaming and once again 7 days without porn or masturbation. I've had lots of stress this past month with work and I've been getting less sleep and some heartburn because of it. I was staying up later and staying in bed in the morning to avoid work. 

I chose to wake up right away and give myself 10 minutes to be alert, warm, and wrapped in blankets. I drink some water and then can either walk, do yoga, or eat breakfast and leave. 

The biggest help has been reading at night. I've gotten very invested in Red Rising by Pierce Brown. I get about 2 chapters in and I fall asleep even though I love the story. I used to get anxiety at night because I needed to find the best YouTube videos to relax before bed. I'd just see those retards posting clickbait videos of their face with a surprised face pointing to an object with the clickbait title. Those people can fuck off and get a job. Then the YouTube comments have pathetic meme comments so they can get quick upvotes from lonely idiots who recognize it and say "oghhhhh duhhhhhh me saw this on reddit duuhhhhhh" and then like it.

That whole community is unoriginal and stupid. I hate it.

I search for good videos and end up getting mad so I'd just watch porn instead. Then I'd get angry about watching porn. 

Now I can grab my book, read for 30 minutes to 1 hour and fall asleep without any blue light or stress from people I hate. 

My nighttime urges decreased tremendously this week. I only had 3 urges to watch porn this week, which I posted here. 

Thanks for the support. 

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4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Wait. What? How do you even get off then? I thought the whole point of being able to fantasize is to be completely free in what you want to think of. I wouldn't be able to do it if I can't do that. Hell, I don't even know how I would begin to turn that switch off. I don't really think there's anything erotic about the act itself at all. It's kind of funny or primate-like even XD

I think it was Glover in NMMNG who mentioned the idea of just focusing on the act and enjoying process itself. It seems to make sense to me, because that is how it is with everything in life if you want to be good at it and not hate it. We're wired to want sex, but it is much more than just ejaculating or having an orgasm.

Then there's the dilemma that when I eventually switch from masturbation to sex, I should suddenly NOT be fantasizing about anything, because I will have this woman in front of me. I would feel like I disrespect her if I wasn't into her at least physically, so I don't see a point to be fantasizing. Since I know you are in a committed long-term relationship, I'm quite interested about your opinions and experience on this topic, if you decide to share it either here or in PM 🙂

Haha, since you already mentioned the word "primate", I will use it as well! If quitting games was the most liberating experience I had up to that point, realizing that we are akin to other animals (primates) was the most liberating experience I had up to this point. Sure, other animals did not invent atom bombs, computers or the European Central Bank, but they can still plan ahead, feel pain and be overall conscious, if to a lesser extent than us.

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Women don't want me to watch porn. If I see something that I find arousing it isn't natural to just search for it online. I need to put the time and effort into meeting a woman when I'm emotionally ready. I've decided in the past to try online dating when I've wanted sex in real life, not porn. Sex isn't the only thing in a relationship. I've been looking at relationships for the potential to have sex. That's going to lead to a failed relationship.

Relationships should be focused around the partnership you feel with them and how both of your lives can be improved through a union of lifestyles, goals, and support. They'd support me with my career, hobby, and life goals and I'd do the same. Love is built through that. Then through that happiness you can develop lust naturally since we're all animals anyways. 

I know lust comes earlier since being physically attracted to that person is like 90% of why we date them, but the whole thing can't be about sex. If it were I'd be trying to have sex with someone 3 to 10 times a day and trying tons of new ways to spice the dynamic since I'd get bored doing the same thing that often. 

I'm in it for the long haul. 

I like your thinking. I hope you will be able to connect with a woman who will support your lifestyle and goals soon!

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The space between having the impulse to watch porn, then taking the action to follow through is absolutely critical. 
 

At the beginning it feels as if our mind is on auto pilot. But the more we practice noticing the impulse, then taking a deep breath, then realizing that we have a choice as to what our action will be. You are doing such a great job at noticing and then choosing a healthy option. 
 

Building awareness, strength and courage. You are a beautiful being. Sending resilience to you today my friend!

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2 hours ago, Icandothis said:

The space between having the impulse to watch porn, then taking the action to follow through is absolutely critical. 
 

At the beginning it feels as if our mind is on auto pilot. But the more we practice noticing the impulse, then taking a deep breath, then realizing that we have a choice as to what our action will be. You are doing such a great job at noticing and then choosing a healthy option. 
 

Building awareness, strength and courage. You are a beautiful being. Sending resilience to you today my friend!

Thank you. I had a major urge after taking a nap today, but then I got out of bed and grabbed some water. I realized I was extremely thirsty and drank almost half a liter of water. My urges went away after drinking water. It reminded me to follow the HALTED plan I developed where you shouldn't give into an urge right away until you've explored whether you're hungry, angry, lonely, tired, environment isn't healthy, or dehydrated.

I made some food and moved on. I'm going to do my 3D modeling now. Tomorrow I'll begin studying. I grabbed the stuff from home that I needed. I also had a decent time with my mom and only got slightly angry once, but she realized it and stopped.

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The porn fight is so ridiculously hard, give yourself kudos for every resisted urge, every day succeeded, and just keep going. 🙂 I agree with @Icandothis, it's all about learning to handle the space between the urge and the action. Meditation has helped me a lot with this in particular, but even then, it's a tough fight. Keep it up!

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I'm not sure how to categorize today. I woke up, posted on here, had breakfast, drove to my mom's house, saw her and it went well. I spent time with my bird which was nice because we could cuddle and preen each other, which is very peaceful. Driving to her home is very long so I got very worn out. It took like 3 hours out of my day just to drive. I had lunch and took a nap. I dealt with a very strong porn craving.

I think I'm just feeling like today was a waste in ways. Like, all I really did was help her with her issues, helped my dad with his issues on the phone, and helped people on here with theirs. I don't view that as a waste because I care about them and you all. I think it's just easier for me to post here instead of doing my hobbies sometimes. 

I've been doing it because I get stressed with the 3D modeling. I think learning a new software is difficult because I have so many ideas to create my cartoons. It's easy to just try to fuck around with the software and look up specific things to get stuff on YouTube, but I know my approach is correct. The class I'm taking online for the software has made me good at it in a way that I won't forget.

I think I just have anxiety from school and am tired of being in class setups. I'm also stressed because I have to start studying for my exam soon.

I'm not really doing stuff for fun to relax in my spare time. Watching the Bruins gets me angry. I get stressed trying to find TV shows. If I watch something that I've seen before I think it's a waste of time instead of just relaxing and enjoying it. If I watch a show I don't like I beat myself up for wasting time.

I get tremendous anxiety about wasting time. So much control over my life with habits has been tough. I want to get to the point where I'm modeling in 3D without a tutorial and can just listen to music or have a mindless tv show in the background.

I'm finally watching a hockey game that I don't care about and I feel the most relaxed I've felt in a few days. No stake in either team, just enjoying hockey without worrying about what to watch. 

I'm still under the impression that I don't know how to enjoy life. I'm very structured and do well with tasks. I don't know how to live life off-task. That's something I'd like to improve. Once again I'm putting too much pressure on myself.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I'm kind of annoyed today. I keep having dreams where I'm on adventures with old friends from college, high school, or middle school. It's like I haven't aged mentally. I go to distant places in America and have different goals with them for the adventures to get to a certain place or something. There's always a woman I feel like I should have dated or asked on a date. A love triangle that I haven't been able to fulfill. It's at this moment where my dreams shift to something else where she's not in it anymore, but the other people are.

I wake up depressed because I'm not with her. Sometimes there's no face to her. It's just an arbitrary woman's face that I can't trace back to someone, likely somebody I saw in passing and will never see again.

I sit in bed in the morning feeling lonely, sexually frustrated, and regretting not having one night stands or trying to be a fuck-buddy with any of the women I've met in yoga or the gym who are 10-20 years older than me and just thirsty because their rich husbands ignore them. I have turned away at least 10 women in the past 2 years. We connect and I know I can say all of the right things to move forward. 

I just can't do it. I don't believe in cheating (them, not me) because of my father cheating on my mom over 5 times. I see the pain it caused her and me even to this day. It makes me feel shallow when I know I'm just being craved for sex and I'm just craving them for sex. I know a relationship will never form. In many ways, that sexual conquest is another form of escapism from my problems in life.

Sometimes I just crave these intense, tantric sessions with a woman that last a long time where we can just have a heightened, passionate intimacy and give each other our full selves. I just think of all the women I've met on my journey and know I can't connect with them the way I envision. Little things I've mentioned over the past year have gotten to me like lack of communication, which can expose lack of willing to connect. Or just recognizing they're not passionate and just sort of vague. They're just a "human" with no special qualities that draw me to them. That annoys me sometimes because on dates they don't ask me any questions or try to understand me. It's more they tailor their conversation to get you to ask them about them, but their responses are painfully vague. "I like spending time with my friends and family. That's everything to me. Haha sometimes we go and do this". It's just vague. I ask about hobbies or passions and receive nothing in return. 

Most people I meet just "live" day to day. There's nothing prospective about them that I see a future with. These people stress me out. I have projects I'm trying to complete and see a long period of time I'll be committing to them. Most of the women I'm meeting are just like "Ok, so I'm trying to figure out plans for thursday, then friday, then saturday, then sunday, then blah" then they just spend the rest of their fucking week binge watching netflix shows that everyone else watches so they feel like they fit in.

VAGUE

I'm looking for a woman who naturally just makes me intrigued about her and want to dive in. I want her to be as intrigued about me. I don't really want a generic person to date who looks generic and wants the generic dream of a disney wedding and is a pink hat sports fan and sucks. 

I'm looking for an artist of sorts who takes care of her body and has some personality to her. Someone I can be proud of an just want to impress her and have her want to impress me. There's so much more that I want, but this isn't a dating website. I'm just trying to explain why I'm sexually frustrated.

The good news is I'm not craving any weird porn anymore. The only porn I'm really craving is man on woman porn. No crazy fetishes or anything for the most part. When I go on binge sessions I just end up watching weirder and weirder shit.

 

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On 1/19/2020 at 4:44 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I think I'm just feeling like today was a waste in ways. Like, all I really did was help her with her issues, helped my dad with his issues on the phone, and helped people on here with theirs. I don't view that as a waste because I care about them and you all. I think it's just easier for me to post here instead of doing my hobbies sometimes. 

I also like to write here and give my insights even for an hour or two, but it makes sense in my view, since if I am interested in something I reply and if I am not, then I do not. I also found out I could scavenge some cool ideas from the topics I've commented on in the past and use them as an inspiration for my blog, so I always know what to write about, even if a lot of the topics end up intertwined.

On 1/19/2020 at 4:44 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm still under the impression that I don't know how to enjoy life. I'm very structured and do well with tasks. I don't know how to live life off-task. That's something I'd like to improve. Once again I'm putting too much pressure on myself.

I'm in a sort of a semi-auto mode. I know what I'd like to do during the day, but I don't have set times. I'm at the point where I would feel weird to not read anything for a few days in a row or to not clean my teeth before I go to bed. But I passed up a workout recently in order to be social without any feeling of guilt.

12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm looking for a woman who naturally just makes me intrigued about her and want to dive in. I want her to be as intrigued about me. I don't really want a generic person to date who looks generic and wants the generic dream of a disney wedding and is a pink hat sports fan and sucks. 

I think this is an idea from NMMNG, but I think it was coming together for me even before I read about it. How do your male FRIENDSHIPS look like?

Back in the day when I was gaming and watching Twitch all the time, I could not connect with anyone, because my interests were too narrowed to a bunch of niche games and just about everything else felt like a chore to me. Since I quit gaming, I found out that connecting well with men is the cornerstone for connecting well with women.

If I ask a guy about his interests and he mentions IT, paragliding, watching Netflix, economics, biology and attending medieval tournaments (that is quite a big list of passions to just mention off the top of your head), I will have a bad time connecting with him, because I don't do any of these. Since I am not trying to impress him, I can easily leave and let us both find ourselves a better fit. Ideally, I think I want to create this more intellectual connection with a woman, but there's always gonna be some sexual tension, for better or for worse.

Edited by Ikar
FRIENDSHIPS

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm kind of annoyed today. I keep having dreams where I'm on adventures with old friends from college, high school, or middle school. It's like I haven't aged mentally. I go to distant places in America and have different goals with them for the adventures to get to a certain place or something. There's always a woman I feel like I should have dated or asked on a date. A love triangle that I haven't been able to fulfill. It's at this moment where my dreams shift to something else where she's not in it anymore, but the other people are.

I wake up depressed because I'm not with her. Sometimes there's no face to her. It's just an arbitrary woman's face that I can't trace back to someone, likely somebody I saw in passing and will never see again.

I sit in bed in the morning feeling lonely, sexually frustrated, and regretting not having one night stands or trying to be a fuck-buddy with any of the women I've met in yoga or the gym who are 10-20 years older than me and just thirsty because their rich husbands ignore them. I have turned away at least 10 women in the past 2 years. We connect and I know I can say all of the right things to move forward. 

I just can't do it. I don't believe in cheating (them, not me) because of my father cheating on my mom over 5 times. I see the pain it caused her and me even to this day. It makes me feel shallow when I know I'm just being craved for sex and I'm just craving them for sex. I know a relationship will never form. In many ways, that sexual conquest is another form of escapism from my problems in life.

Sometimes I just crave these intense, tantric sessions with a woman that last a long time where we can just have a heightened, passionate intimacy and give each other our full selves. I just think of all the women I've met on my journey and know I can't connect with them the way I envision. Little things I've mentioned over the past year have gotten to me like lack of communication, which can expose lack of willing to connect. Or just recognizing they're not passionate and just sort of vague. They're just a "human" with no special qualities that draw me to them. That annoys me sometimes because on dates they don't ask me any questions or try to understand me. It's more they tailor their conversation to get you to ask them about them, but their responses are painfully vague. "I like spending time with my friends and family. That's everything to me. Haha sometimes we go and do this". It's just vague. I ask about hobbies or passions and receive nothing in return. 

Most people I meet just "live" day to day. There's nothing prospective about them that I see a future with. These people stress me out. I have projects I'm trying to complete and see a long period of time I'll be committing to them. Most of the women I'm meeting are just like "Ok, so I'm trying to figure out plans for thursday, then friday, then saturday, then sunday, then blah" then they just spend the rest of their fucking week binge watching netflix shows that everyone else watches so they feel like they fit in.

VAGUE

I'm looking for a woman who naturally just makes me intrigued about her and want to dive in. I want her to be as intrigued about me. I don't really want a generic person to date who looks generic and wants the generic dream of a disney wedding and is a pink hat sports fan and sucks. 

I'm looking for an artist of sorts who takes care of her body and has some personality to her. Someone I can be proud of an just want to impress her and have her want to impress me. There's so much more that I want, but this isn't a dating website. I'm just trying to explain why I'm sexually frustrated.

The good news is I'm not craving any weird porn anymore. The only porn I'm really craving is man on woman porn. No crazy fetishes or anything for the most part. When I go on binge sessions I just end up watching weirder and weirder shit.

 

Hello,

Thanks for sharing what's on your mind. I found your talking about how frustrated you are with your prospects of late to be humorous. "I don't want a generic person who ... sucks." I don't think I'd like that either. By contrast I have like no prospects within the past year probably. Unless you count a friend I have that lives in another state. Even so that's only one. Good job turning away shallow relationships. Those don't sound healthy or beneficial to you. You sound like you're looking for a serious relationship and that's a good place to be in. I think it's mature. I honestly kind of gave up on finding friends and a girlfriend. I'm just staying with my gym routine and my work. I hope that eventually I'll make connections there and maybe in another year I'll have made a few more social connections than I have today. Okay I guess I haven't given up on them, I'm just not trying to go out to groups or approach people if it doesn't feel comfortable lately. 

God help me. And you too. 

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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Today was unreal. I still have several hours before bed, but wanted to post about this.

I wanted to 3D model today and study. I put so much emphasis on it that it was stressing me out. I went out, shoveled, then watched some hockey (bad idea, didn't watch the whole game), and then just lounged around. I started 3D modeling and learned A TON, but had this insatiable urge to watch porn. I wasn't aroused though. I just NEEDED to watch porn. I got in bed and I laid down, wrapped myself in covers, warmed up, and took many deep breaths until I could doze off. The feeling in my head to watch porn was agonizing. It was like the most intense anxiety and loss of control I've felt in months. The world was going to end almost. 

I still don't really want to do anything. I have no energy or need to do anything at all. I don't really have fun and I think that's a problem. Everything I do feels like work. 

I also just feel so fucking isolated on weekends. All I do is see people during the week and want time to relax and do hobbies on the weekend, but I just sit here lonely. It's fucking pissing me off how I need to be with people all of the time to feel vindicated. I socialzed yesterday, and today I'm depressed. Fuck.

Anyways, I didn't relapse. The urge is gone. I can fight another day. I'm just struggling with the idea that I'll be doing this nofap shit and be single the entire time. I put women on a pedestal and try talking to them more than I do things for myself. If a woman talks to me, I'll talk to them before doing my hobbies. This is bad.

EDIT:

I've realized why I'm so upset on weekends. It's because none of the people I talk to at work or friends I randomly meet with really mean anything. I'm heartbroken by the fact that my relationship with my mom and dad will never be fixed. I just want them to be the mother and father, not the other way around. I have nobody I can talk to for comfort, advice, or guidance. My dad tries to be my friend or tell me about his insecurities. My mom is so broken that she just either starts fights with me to feel alive or begs me for help. 

My apartment reminds me of what my heart looks like. It's empty, quiet, cold, dark, and full of yearn for days that I'll hopefully be happy again.

I don't understand or feel love. I want to do hobbies but I'm so emotionally distraught over this that I am paralyzed. I'm so alone. No amount of friends, people on here, discord communities, video games, hobbies or coworkers will ever fix this. I'm so sad. 

It's sad that I crave porn to somehow feel intimacy and less alone. I can't even pursue a relationship right now because I just want to focus on my big exam. I'm stuck in purgatory and I'm not a fan of it. 

Yes, I enjoy the quiet of my apartment, but I just want love. I want someone to say hi to me and ask how I'm doing. Most people I talk to just tell me their problems and don't say hi to me. I have to be the one to start it. Nobody gets it. It's hollow, this world we're in, it's hollow.

It's moments in utter darkness like this where you understand where light is needed. In darkness, I feel the cold and no love. The light needed is love and togetherness. 

It's going to be sad when I meet a woman who sees how confident I am at work or doing hobbies. My jokes are polarizing. I'm the center of attention. I can understand and give you advice on almost any topic or I can listen perfectly. I have a good job and am a catch. They're gonna be excited for that in their life. Then they're going to be alone with me and see how much pain I am in. How much pain I've always been in. How I've never been happy. How I always escape to find happiness. How I view escapism as bad and have removed video games, social media, and porn only to be stripped of everything I've loved and am left to be alone. I've even taken away hockey and junk food.

I'm just this fake robot trying to be healthy when depression will kill me faster than all of this crap I'm avoiding. 

I want to work on 3D modeling for my cartoon. Whenever I actually click on the program and tutorials I have fun with it. But instead, I sit here staring at it and not clicking on it. It's work. I don't want to work. I'm miserable. 

I just want instant gratification. I can't have it.

I don't appreciate the process of hard work and that's why I'm not 3D modeling or working out at the gym or rock climbing. I don't like working hard. I'm so stubborn.

I kick and scream the entire way until I get what I want or quit.

Yes, I have a great story, but I watched porn and played games the whole way. This is a reminder that I need to keep trying. I also need to have more fun. I'd like some love.

Edited by BooksandTrees

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

 

I still don't really want to do anything. I have no energy or need to do anything at all. I don't really have fun and I think that's a problem. Everything I do feels like work. 

EDIT:

I've realized why I'm so upset on weekends. It's because none of the people I talk to at work or friends I randomly meet with really mean anything. I'm heartbroken by the fact that my relationship with my mom and dad will never be fixed. I just want them to be the mother and father, not the other way around. I have nobody I can talk to for comfort, advice, or guidance. My dad tries to be my friend or tell me about his insecurities. My mom is so broken that she just either starts fights with me to feel alive or begs me for help. 

I don't understand or feel love. I want to do hobbies but I'm so emotionally distraught over this that I am paralyzed. I'm so alone. No amount of friends, people on here, discord communities, video games, hobbies or coworkers will ever fix this. I'm so sad. 

It's moments in utter darkness like this where you understand where light is needed. In darkness, I feel the cold and no love. The light needed is love and togetherness. 

It's going to be sad when I meet a woman who sees how confident I am at work or doing hobbies. My jokes are polarizing. I'm the center of attention. I can understand and give you advice on almost any topic or I can listen perfectly. I have a good job and am a catch. They're gonna be excited for that in their life. Then they're going to be alone with me and see how much pain I am in. How much pain I've always been in. How I've never been happy. How I always escape to find happiness. How I view escapism as bad and have removed video games, social media, and porn only to be stripped of everything I've loved and am left to be alone. I've even taken away hockey and junk food.

I'm just this fake robot trying to be healthy when depression will kill me faster than all of this crap I'm avoiding. 

I want to work on 3D modeling for my cartoon. Whenever I actually click on the program and tutorials I have fun with it. But instead, I sit here staring at it and not clicking on it. It's work. I don't want to work. I'm miserable. 

I just want instant gratification. I can't have it.

I don't appreciate the process of hard work and that's why I'm not 3D modeling or working out at the gym or rock climbing. I don't like working hard. I'm so stubborn.

I kick and scream the entire way until I get what I want or quit.

Yes, I have a great story, but I watched porn and played games the whole way. This is a reminder that I need to keep trying. I also need to have more fun. I'd like some love.

What you are describing are good symptoms of mental estrangement from bad habits and migration to a new place. You are experiencing a new emotion and the first instinct is fear. Dont fear it.

Since we were so connected to a wasteful way of life, there is going to be a phase when your organism is trying to resist, then understands the mistake but still misses the bad thing, then you notice the hollowness that was there all along and finally you start developing strength . 

I detected this in a number of other journals- its a necessary stage of recovery. Hopefully, after some time, you will get energized and the tediousness will go away.

Also I think women you are meeting are not so generic, but they are not opening up. 

I read something about love for self and others that motivated me - its not an instinct but something you have to work. If you keep trying and putting efforts, then love becomes truly great and conquers the heart. 

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30 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

What you are describing are good symptoms of mental estrangement from bad habits and migration to a new place. You are experiencing a new emotion and the first instinct is fear. Dont fear it.

Since we were so connected to a wasteful way of life, there is going to be a phase when your organism is trying to resist, then understands the mistake but still misses the bad thing, then you notice the hollowness that was there all along and finally you start developing strength . 

I detected this in a number of other journals- its a necessary stage of recovery. Hopefully, after some time, you will get energized and the tediousness will go away.

Also I think women you are meeting are not so generic, but they are not opening up. 

I read something about love for self and others that motivated me - its not an instinct but something you have to work. If you keep trying and putting efforts, then love becomes truly great and conquers the heart. 

I agree. After crying for a bit and then punching my bed I listened to some loud music. I then opened my 3d modeling class and modeled for an hour and had a lot of fun.

It's the rewiring of the brain that is tough. When I quit video games I just wired my brain to watch porn. Now that I don't have porn or games or social media, I am wiring it to something new. The issue is I enjoy 3D modeling a lot. I also enjoy climbing. So when I don't want to do it, there's conflict in my mind because I know I enjoy the task, but am not committing to it. Once I do commit, I enjoy myself more than anything. It's a slow release of dopamine that calms me, not a jolt and disappearance like bad habits once gave. I feel better now.

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I didn't go to work today. I didn't feel well last night and didn't fall asleep until 3:30 so I decided to stay home and relax and take a nap eventually.

Winter is crushing me. I don't like doing anything because I hate the cold. I don't like the dark either. I just stay home or go to work. I'm developing cabin fever and can't really escape it. I miss porn so much right now. It's sad because I've disconnected myself from it. I don't crave it anymore. I think I've actually broken my link to it. The only thing that will pull me back into it is just not being able to bear life and force myself back into it.

I'm so miserable, though. My life is just...fast and tiresome. I enjoy my job, but I'm just facing the same issues where I'm tired and want to think about other things sometimes. I'm starting to use dreams as my escape. I have such vivid dreams and can't escape them. I feel like I'm in my dreams for very long periods of time and they include people from my past that I'll likely never see again. They're frozen in time as high schoolers or something. I'm almost 30 now. I don't know what any of them look like anymore. I wake up and can't tell if I'm still dreaming or in real life. It's almost like an inception moment. It's ironic because I just watched that today, but I've struggled with dreams often so it's not movie related.

Waking up is almost a traumatic experience sometimes. I'm ripped from a wife or life journey that I was so invested in. I'm so attached to the purpose of my dream that when I'm awake it's like I'm euphoric and lost. It makes me want to watch porn so I can just be in control of a reality that's not the same as my own. I don't know anymore. 

I'm depressed that I can't watch porn to be honest with you. I miss opening my phone up and searching for sexy women and getting off to it. I've replaced the pathways to searching for porn. I get the impulse to watch porn, but it dies fast. I used to get incredibly aroused at the idea of watching porn and now I don't. I just think of porn as something that will hurt me and I don't even get an erection towards porn anymore. That's what makes me sad. I know it's the correct form of healing, that porn isn't getting me turned on and excited. 

But now I feel like nothing excites me. My 3D modeling excites me. I've been doing that a bit today. My meals aren't exciting and haven't for about 3 months now. I got disgusted by some meat I ate and tried doing plant based meals, but I've been feeling strange only eating plant based foods and feel better when I eat meat. I don't get excited for plant based foods really. I'm not really noticing the difference in my life and in fact I feel lethargic without meat. I think with how much I've changed regarding my life (no video games, social media, porn, sports, friends) that changing food at the same time is a no-no and will crush my spirits more. I'm going to eat meat again for a while and see what happens.

Porn was really my last source of fun that didn't require me to work at it. I don't really have anything else that's fun. I keep saying I like board games, but everyone I meet who plays them is such a fucking tool. These idiot neckbeard pieces of shit who cheat at the game, are loud and aggressive, and are influential in making you make the wrong moves often. Either that or it's just 20-25 year old kids (mostly chicks, which you'd think is good for me) who don't shut the fuck up about unimportant things. They just talk about their fucking dating life and getting drunk and stoned. Listening to a young to mid 20 something talk about their life wisdom and drinking experience is so toxic and wasteful. I'd rather listen to someone being forced to swallow shit from an elephant above their head.

Rock climbing is fun, but it's not FUN. I don't get an adrenaline rush from excitement or laughter. Video games were exciting and I couldn't stop playing them. Porn was exciting because you could find ANYTHING on porn websites. Any fetish or celebrity or body type. 

The last time I've had healthy fun in the past 4 years was going to the Three Days Grace and Breaking Benjamin concert where I could be surprised by the music, dance, sing, scream, and lose myself. I didn't like all the weed, cigarette smoke, and vomit from everyone being drunk, but the rest of it was so fun.

I MISS HAVING ADRENALINE RUSHES.I WANT TO COMPETE AGAINST PEOPLE AND PLAY SPORTS AND JUST HAVE FUN. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THERE'S NO COMPETITION AT WORK UNLESS SOMEONE'S TRYING TO FUCK YOU OVER ON A PROJECT OR SOMETHING OR YOU WANT TO WIN A PROPOSAL. 

THERE'S NO COMPETITION WITH READING. THERE'S NO COMPETITION WITH LEARNING NEW HOBBIES BESIDES GETTING PISSED OFF.

THE GYM AND EXERCISE IS BORING. THERE'S NO COMPETITION. EVERYTHING IS SO CONSTRUCTIVE. I WANT TO PLAY SPORTS OR SOMETHING.

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@BooksandTrees Have you considered looking for a therapist? If you feel like you have nobody to talk to about your shit, a therapist might do the trick for you.

Also, have you ever tried creating a competition with yourself? Track your progress on things and keep trying to beat your PBs. If that's not enough, you could look into lifting competitions or endurance races. Those are obvious sources of competition and really do stretch you to the limit. It seems like those would be a great way to fulfill that need of yours while also being something keeping you occupied and burning your negative energy off, since you'd need to be training at the gym on a regular basis.

 

 

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13 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

@BooksandTrees Have you considered looking for a therapist? If you feel like you have nobody to talk to about your shit, a therapist might do the trick for you.

Also, have you ever tried creating a competition with yourself? Track your progress on things and keep trying to beat your PBs. If that's not enough, you could look into lifting competitions or endurance races. Those are obvious sources of competition and really do stretch you to the limit. It seems like those would be a great way to fulfill that need of yours while also being something keeping you occupied and burning your negative energy off, since you'd need to be training at the gym on a regular basis.

 

 

I've had a therapist for 3 years and mention it in here often. I also wrote in my steps to gaming recovery and 500 days without it that it was one of the first steps I made...

Not trying to be an asshole. Sorry. I don't like the gym and mentioned it here as well. I want competition against others and I want new friends. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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1 minute ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've had a therapist for 3 years and mention it in here often. I also wrote in my steps to gaming recovery and 500 days without it that it was the first step I made...

Sorry bro. I did read your 500 days post but I must have missed that bit. 😞

Do you find then that the therapist isn't working for you? Are they not available to talk to when you need them?

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I spoke with my dad for 2 hours tonight about this. I just think I need to forget my dreams and stop analyzing them when I wake up. I feel better when I do that. I think I might slash my face with water. 

I think the issue is I'm expecting too much out of people and am being let down by friends because of it.

I think I'm also just having porn withdrawal. 

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2 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Sorry bro. I did read your 500 days post but I must have missed that bit. 😞

Do you find then that the therapist isn't working for you? Are they not available to talk to when you need them?

Sorry for sounding rude. I'm just pissed. 

I think my therapist is the only one besides my dad who gets what I'm feeling and it's helped a lot. I just struggle without him. He's been on vacation often. 

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20 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Sorry for sounding rude. I'm just pissed. 

I think my therapist is the only one besides my dad who gets what I'm feeling and it's helped a lot. I just struggle without him. He's been on vacation often. 

All good man. It was my bad.

Have you ever considered online counselling? I'm getting pretty good results from that.

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13 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

All good man. It was my bad.

Have you ever considered online counselling? I'm getting pretty good results from that.

I might. I'm a little tired of telling my story to people though. It wears me out and takes multiple sessions. 

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