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BooksandTrees

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Everything posted by BooksandTrees

  1. It's so irritating. I'm very happy to be independent is all I can say lol.
  2. I don't think it's bad. I just don't like it because my dad used to tell me a funny story, then tell my mom, then call his friends up and tell them, then everywhere we'd go he'd tell them and look at me and make me laugh to help his effect and random people would say how funny he is. It made me so angry. Just a fake. Reminds me of bad times. I'm not trying to turn this journal into a research panel. After reading my posts I'm sure you know I study myself and experiment with how I feel for weeks and months at a time to see what works and what doesn't. I tend to agree with my therapist and the neurologists I've spoken to over the past 3 years that have helped me quit gaming and overcome major depression. I see your point because a lot of people spew bull shit information out there. I'm not an expert, but I don't fabricate things. I share what I've learned from experts that I've spoken with in person regarding my depression and addiction. It's helped me quit for over 75 weeks now and I'm not suicidal anymore. It works for me.
  3. I lived with my mom last year and it's well documented in the first third of my diary how terrible it went. I don't blame you. Just be patient and see this thing through. I think having an office space is great and you can always move stuff if he comes back. Be careful with the gaming. I'm glad you didn't binge it, but don't let that give you confidence into playing in moderation. It never works. Good luck.
  4. Dude, I agree. I would have sat there ridiculing her in the most diminutive way possible for as long as possible until we broke up. I think I'm too evil for a relationship. I give maybe 1 chance tops and then I'm so ruthless. It's something I'm working on. I'm avoiding relationships until then.
  5. I appreciate this. Thank you. I think I'd really enjoy the drums. I'll take yours, but if I get COVID19 we'll have a problem. Lol jk. You know exactly what I'm talking about with comedy. It's like a stress release. I don't want it to be a career, but I just thoroughly enjoy dissecting something and making myself laugh as a way to be less cynical. I really enjoy making simple, yet creative ways to laugh after being so serious all of the time. For instance, I took these online quizzes to see where I should live in America because I'm unhappy being cold. All of the quizzes were stupid and I started getting fed up. I finally found one that asked for my name, so I wrote "penis". It kept addressing me as penis and I thought it was so funny because I turned this "huge" crisis of mine into a juvenile joke. And the quiz was so stupid that it just kept addressing me as penis. Like, who would name their kid penis and why would penis want to be searching for a new home? Penis, what are your favorite hobbies? Porn. Lol. The thing I'm trying to quit. I think maybe I need to just blast music and exercise to get some adrenaline flowing and then I can just relax and do a hobby. I just get lazy and don't wanna do it.
  6. I agree. I have written about how I turn it inward often I think that's why porn has been so hard to quit since it's my main way of dealing with it. I'll consider giving it another chance. It's just expensive.
  7. I think she took the bike to piss you off since she thought you were having her get groceries while you did other things. I think that lead her to her video chatting without being interrupted by you while you did other things. I wonder if she felt like your assistant rather than a partner in the relationship. Usually people don't mind helping. It's making me wonder the tone at which you asked her to shop alone, her personality in general with maybe she felt it was below her style of life to do shopping while you cooked rice, a combination of both, or the issue that she's had tendencies to not want to do anything and avoid responsibilities like you've mentioned in the past. You are traditionally more proactive than her and she seems very reactive. It might play into communicating during the quarantin.
  8. I tried boxing last year and enjoyed it, but it wasn't run properly. They had random members training you and there was no structure. They just wanted you to stay for hours. I'd spend like 2 to 3 hours there and not all of it was training. It was so unorganized that you just stood there sometimes confused. It was a huge waste of time for me. I wanted a 30 minute to 1 hour workout and then go eat and do a hobby and relax. I'd end up missing dinner, eat late, sleep, get heartburn from sleeping late. Maybe there is something else I can do.
  9. Thoughtful post. Thank you. I should have phrased the depression comment in my situation, but I noted that I didn't edit this one properly so I stand by it and agree with you. The comedy side I have make everyone laugh all of the time. I really do think I'd be good at it. I just need to find a place to do it or way to do it that's not stand up. I disagree with your analogy when it's used for me, but I agree when used with others. I don't like repeating jokes and I don't like other people do I don't really want to do that. I'd rather do it for me and I'm just unsure how. I've read multiple studies explaining the byproducts our mind and body produces once we exercise and its effects relating to depression. Thanks for the input and welcome back.
  10. NOTE: THIS ENTRY IS NOT A CONSTRUCTIVE ENTRY THAT I NORMALLY WRITE WITH GOOD FLOW. IT'S JUST A DEVOLVING SERIES OF THOUGHTS STARTING WITH ANGER AND THEN LEADING TO A SOLUTION. I DON'T WANT TO EDIT IT. I gotta be honest and just say how fucking angry I am today. I am so frustrated by the fact that I am so passive outside of work. I just want to smash everything around me. This apprehension and fear of trying new things is causing my depression. I get all these ideas and want to try them and then my fear and anxiety about looking stupid and being embarrassed casts a wall around my aspirations. As you know, or should know, depression is the suppression of emotion. Your mind produces and releases chemicals to deal with this influx of emotion and medicates you to do rest because it is a defense mechanism trying to protect you. So basically, I get extreme spikes of energy, motivation, anger, and just raw emotion and I can't control it. I immediately get tired and want to sleep. I can't fucking handle it. It's not that it's any emotion. It's that I have a carnal explosion of desire to make up for all the things I've missed. I had to sacrifice so much in the past 10 fucking years just to become an engineer and I'm so lonely and hollow because of it. That, combined with severe and multiple addictions, has left me so hollow inside. I'm a very aggressive person. I need to do things intensely because that's how I enjoy it. When I say intensely, I don't mean 100 mph full speed. I also mean that I am devoting 100% thought to it. This means if I draw I want to put everything into it. When I play sports I am extremely focused and competitive. When I tell jokes it's all harbored emotions. It's not just to talk and get emotions. I need to express myself with extremely accurate impressions, dramatic voices, psychotic body movements, all tied in with a dry overtone so that I'm constantly surprising people. You know what's the best part of that comedy I mentioned? NOBODY FUCKING SEES IT BECAUSE I DON'T PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND DO ANYTHING. FUCK I think I'm funnier than most stand up comedians and I don't prove it at all. I am so afraid of bombing on stage that I don't do it. You can tell from my writing that I have a strong ego. The number one enemy to a strong ego is public humiliation because public perception of me is so god damn important that I am paralyzed by it. I need to express myself with some form of comedy and it NEEDS to be in person. I'm using this fucking cartoon idea as a wall to hide behind to put my comedy out there, when I'm hilarious in the first place. I keep mentioning how I did 1 stand up routine and I was the best person there out of the 10 performers. I was the only person without experience. I've told jokes in front of hundreds of people before with my engineering talks and I am not getting the fake laughs. I'm just being cowardly. The thing is that once I get this frustration released I'm happy. Once I go on a rant and make people laugh I don't want to do it for a long time. This is why I don't want to do stand up comedy. I am not a fan of repeating jokes. My dad tells the same fucking stories all of the time and it makes me want to smash him. I hate people who repeat shit. Especially if it's not funny. This makes me think improv comedy might be better. I just don't want to be a part of some improv group where these idiots are so scatterbrained on stage and can't formulate a skit. I'm not saying all improv is like this, but you've all been to a good improv show and you've all been to a bad improv show. The people on stage yelling "OK, OK, OK, SO....WE HAVE UH-UH-UH-A TREE!! A TREE IN THE CORNER AND UH UH UH A TORNADO OVER THERE!!!" and this retard starts swirling like a tornado, while this stupid fucking act is going on about travel agencies. 'WE BRING YOU TO THE SAFEST DESTINATIONS" and this moron is just spinning. That's not funny. I hate people who laugh at that shit. It's sincerely disappointing to watch and retarded. I'd much rather find a way to perform either a funny skit similar to Saturday Night Live, Mad TV, or Key and Peele. I'm not as funny as those people. I just enjoy doing that kind of comedy. I want to create a skit and just perform it either alone or with people to prove a point and not repeat it. I think there's a staunch difference between musicians and comedians. I enjoy hearing the same song multiple times. I hate hearing the same joke more than once or twice. That's why I don't think memes are funny. It's just lazy. I need creative help and guidance. I'm probably strongest in one-off stand up comedy performances, well thought out skits that I'd perform once or post online, or a satirical opinion piece absolutely destroying someone, a group of people, or an idea in an online written blog or article. The next thing is when I want to release stress, but not have to entertain people. More and more the drums have been appetizing my desire to act out and express myself. I fucking love how the drums can be so violent, yet so fragile and delicate at times. I love that juxtaposition. I need to learn it. Yet, I'm not. I still live in apartments and although I live in a single home right now, in 3 months I'll be in another complex for at least a year most likely. The electronic drum kits are still very loud. Acoustic drums are painfully loud, but the electronic ones are still loud. I would need to buy several hundred dollars worth of equipment for noise dampening. The other thing is an electronic drum set will cost over $1,000. I already spent like $700 on rock climbing and I can't do that for another 3 months due to the virus. This is disappointing me. All of the hobbies we try outside of video games are so fucking expensive. But am I being a hypocrite? Gaming desktops cost between $2,000 and $5,000 depending on how much of a neckbeard you are. Gaming consoles cost $400 and each game is $50-$80 not including micro transactions. Sure, we build the computer and then pay $10 per month on a membership and it seems cheap, but we spent at least $2,000 on a gaming computer in the first place. What's the difference between $500 on a cheap drum set and $300 on noise reduction? Lessons are free on YouTube and I can play whenever. I'm being an asshole, and I don't want to hear "YOU GOTTA BE EASIER ON YOURSELF" If you're always easy on yourself then you're going to be a sloth unwilling to work hard. Sometimes you gotta work harder to get rid of anxieties and then life becomes easier. Thoughts to consider: Make simple 2D/3D art, animations, and other elements in Blender because it's fun. Not because you need to make money. Couple times per week. No pressure. Stop tutorials. Exercise more. I need to properly release the right chemicals in my mind without reverting to porn and addictive habits. Exercising for 3 to 5 hours per week can help stabilize this for me. This will include rock climbing, weights, bicycles, machine rowing, tennis, and hockey whenever I want. Also exercising when angry. Also, inviting friends to exercise with me to create social bonds and be less isolated. Isolation is good, but not all the time as we're seeing. Meal prep. Save the exciting food for restaurants so you can socialize and enjoy with friends. Make tasty, well balanced meals at home like I've been doing (I've lost like 6 pounds) Sleep schedule and not watching TV before bed. I gotta get back into reading again. I felt better mentally when I was reading at night. Stop snoozing. Talk on phone a few times per week and then when the quarantine ends try social events like concerts, eating out, game nights, etc. I really want a fun hobby that I can do at home that doesn't involve a computer. I don't like drawing, workshops, anything that sounds like work and I don't like cooking for extravagance. I can think of legos, drums, photography, and making funny videos for right now. I think making a funny skit or video will help deal with comedy hunger and not have to deal with the emotions I faced above. Also, I hate living in the northeast. Once the weather gets cold I get pissed. I hate being cold. I hate doing winter activities. I don't enjoy skiing, snowboarding, ice skating, cross country skiing, being outside, being inside, bundling up in layers, heavy beds with tons of blankets, shivering, etc. Life in northeast United States sucks because from January to April the temperatures rarely go above freezing. April to June they're like 40-55 degrees. June to July it's 70. July to September it's 85+ with extreme humidity so you don't enjoy being outside. September to October it's 70. October to December it's 30-45 degrees. December to January it's 30 degrees tops. So it's either fucking cold or fucking hot. Not to mention it's so expensive to live here. Housing, food, gas, and activities cost almost as much as California and Hawaii. I just fucking hate it here. I want to wear shorts and feel warm.
  11. Perhaps. I think it's a good idea but also wonder if this is me dreaming big again for escapism like before.
  12. I rebounded tonight. I finished two of the three components I struggled with last week. I am taking tomorrow off and will return Monday in a better mood ready to go. I feel like I can sleep easier tonight. I'm going to consult my therapist about buying electronic drums. A beginner set of drums is around 500. I don't want to get real drums because they're fucking loud and I don't want to disturb my neighbors. I watched a video of a guy playing the drums with headphones on and you could barely hear the drums. It was like he was hitting a hardcover book. I also thought about passive income methods. I think i want to try making inanimate objects in blender and sell them for $1. People use these for props in games, animations, and stills. It will help me practice, build my own library, and make some cash. My second idea is I'm an expert draftsman with civil engineering so I was thinking of making tutorials for cad. I also wanted to make some study tutorials for structural engineering. I'm very good at both as I'm almost licensed and have a master's degree in it with several years of experience. I enjoy teaching and if it can help me bring in a few hundred dollars per year then that's a few weeks of groceries covered.
  13. It's strange reading about you talking to people when I haven't talked to someone in person in about 3 weeks lol. Sounds productive though.
  14. That's a good attitude. Along the way you might find a solution to the sleep. You haven't needed 12 hours of sleep your whole life I'm assuming so I don't think this will last forever. Screw the bible group. You already have a firm belief in God and practice. I think you should find a fun group or activity that lets you be aggressive. I suggest a recreational sport or music or something. Sometimes when I'm in groups I'm ready to snap at people because I want to take my frustrations out on them. There are healthier ways.
  15. I definitely feel attraction towards real women more than porn now. It's nice. I might just buy the drums. We will see.
  16. Just take it day by day until you can do week to week. Enjoy the process and be ready to learn. You're in the right spot!
  17. Today I'm 75 weeks free from gaming and 77 weeks free from social media. I caved and watched some porn this week, but nothing compared to what I was doing before. I also practiced masturbation without porn in a healthy way rather than a way to just escape from life. I've found that I'm disgusted by the industry as mentioned previously. I also agree with many users here who have quit porn, but still masturbate. It's important to be sexually healthy even if you don't have a partner. The benefits are important to your body for all kinds of hormones. I've been considering going grocery shopping next week. I have 2 to 3 weeks of food left and don't think it's wise to wait until you have nothing. I was thinking maybe I go with 1-2 weeks of supplies left and just see what I can find. My grandfather called me last night and said his fever broke and he's doing better, but he sounded like shit. It's the first time he's personally called me in over 10 years. He thinks people should call him since he's the elder of the family. I don't know, I don't buy into it, but if he's calling me he is either currently scared or was scared of dying. Nothing makes you change 10 year old habits unless they threaten your well-being be it an addictive habit like gaming and porn or just doing something routine that you've taken a stance on. I plan on working today without charging my hours. Not a full 8 hours but some. I feel like I wasn't productive last week and it annoys me. I complain about others not working and here I am finally unproductive. I had a long stretch of productivity so I'm not comparing myself to people who never work hard, but in life you better walk the walk if you talk the talk. Putting a shoe in your mouth is a career killer. I haven't done any real hobbies this week. I didn't think it was smart to buy a several hundred dollar electronic drum set when the economy is fluctuating so much due to the virus. I think something like this always leads to a recession of sorts. I spent so much money last year that I won't make that mistake again. I'll try practicing drum techniques for a bit and see if I enjoy it. On the other hand, maybe this is an example of me repeating prior mistakes. Instead of just animating something I wanted using Blender, I started taking classes online and getting burnt out and angry with the hobby altogether. With writing, I took an online class instead of just writing. I don't write anymore. Could I be doing this with the drums also? Potentially. I'll have to consider it. Maybe you guys have some thoughts. Rock climbing and sports are the only things I've tried doing without practicing first and they're the only things I enjoy. Learn as I go and create my own path or learn before I go and realize I never liked it anyways? Interesting journeys.
  18. I think this is a smart idea. Putting too much on our plates tends to make us procrastinate because we already are escaping things from real life in the first place. When our own goals and plans contribute to that stress instead of alleviating that stress we tend to revert back to old habits and escape once more.
  19. If I'm putting the puzzle pieces together correctly, which I hope I'm not, then I'm deeply sorry about the diagnosis you received. I don't know how much time you have, but I will say that I am very happy to have been connected with you in our community. You've been a real nice source of positivity and warmth to every member of the community since you've joined. You have shown a tremendous amount of strength and determination to overcome a serious addiction and made extreme efforts to fix your life not just for you, but for your children as well. I think you've helped many of us improve our quality of life and that is something that lives on forever as it guides us throughout our lives and we teach it to others along the way. I know I can be a very negative person and sometimes downright dark when I'm stuck in my head. I enjoy your mantra of kindness, love, and patience. Will you have a link to your new journal?
  20. Unfortunately, I think the consequences if relapse cause the pain to permanently remind us of what we feel. I may have only relapsed once in my diary, but I've been trying to quit since 2008. It's a long process and I'm thankful to be here.
  21. The paperwork is most likely retroactive since your work is legally recorded with insurance providers. I'd be patient with this one and trust your employers to complete it for you. You should be meeting with your psychiatrist every two to four weeks, correct? Have you been discussing the dosage or new medications? I know you mentioned you were worried after the schizoaffective disorder could come if the medications are tweaked too much. I'm not sure what else to suggest, but I do think having a job and sleeping is better than no job and sleeping. It might provide you with more reasons and energy to stay awake. Another thought is your diet. What are you eating? You're working out quite a lot. Are you sure you're replenishing your body with the correct nutrients to recover and thrive after lifting?
  22. Today was ok. I started late, but got more sleep than normal. Work was slow because of the amount of people connecting to our servers. I still got some major components completed for my project and feel good about it. I'm starting to get some interesting ideas for my 3d modeling software this weekend. I'm not making anything crazy out of it. It's purely going to be out of interest only. I promise myself since I don't think anyone cares lol. But I do. I tend to daydream intensely once I get an idea and I flesh it out as far as possible to the point where it is completed and I'm being interviewed for my success by famous people. It's a waste of time and it's keeping me up later at night than when I was watching porn at night. I think these thoughts are poisonous after the initial idea because it ruins productivity, adds expectations, and makes everything too important and unrealistic. My goal is to cut the daydreams short like my dreams at night and just enjoy life more. My grandfather was rushed to the hospital tonight with a very high fever and ther doctors think he might be experiencing a virus. They didn't test him for COVID19 and released him after 30 minutes. He's in his upper 80s. I'm worried. Hospitals and healthcare workers are not getting supplies like trump has been bragging about delivering. I won't get into politics since it's a rule of the forums, but I think we all know my stance. We need teamwork, kindness, and some miracles over the next few months.
  23. You absolutely did the right thing in realizing moderation does not work and is not possible. I think I tried this 2 pages into my diary and it became a life threatening relapse where I became very depressed. I'm going to be 75 weeks free on Saturday and I want you to know you can remove it from your life and be happy. You can find that peace and you can find real friends who care about you. Good luck and welcome back.
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