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Everything posted by BooksandTrees

  1. I knew this would come together for you. You qualify for the housing, found the daycare provider, and will soon find a career to help you sustain this living and build your savings for the future. Keep up the good work.
  2. There's a website called 10fastfingers that lets you type and record your typing. I found out I type 111 words per minute which was nice to see lol. That's the one good thing about playing RuneScape for about 12 years I guess.
  3. Are you ok with breaking up with your boyfriend of this length? That's a pretty interesting statement and a very difficult change. I live near Boston if you need recommendations for restaurants/locations to visit and just general travel advice (traffic is horrendous during rush hour. Possibly the worst in the country and the drivers are insane).
  4. My friend came over and we finished editing our first episode of our podcast. It was a lot of fun. We came up with a name and just need to set up our accounts to post it. I believe rock climbing, the podcast, and animation are the hobbies I want to stick to most aside from little other projects. I do need to make an effort to slow down my life to limit my anxiety and worrying. I will begin meditation at night before bed and just make sure I'm eating 3 meals a day, taking care of my hygiene properly, and relaxing more. I also want to exercise more than once per month. I will figure this out soon. Thanks.
  5. This year has been stressful with packages. I also haven't received 2 of my packages I ordered for almost 2 weeks each. Hopefully you get it soon. I hope you're feeling better and have a good week.
  6. Today I have reached 60 weeks without gaming. I deleted the rest of this post. I will do better at being more grateful and following my outline I wrote last week.
  7. Is the non profit going to be enough cash?
  8. I was dumb tonight and ate very poorly and don't feel well. I'm very upset with myself about this. Complete ignorance. I went to bed, had a full dream, woke up with extreme heat in bed. It's only been 1.5 hours. It's also like 10 degrees outside, but the blankets on my bed address so warm it's over 100 degrees. I'm cooling off right now in the winter. This is silly. I need to take better care of myself.
  9. I've really enjoyed what my FitBit has done for my sleep tracking. Are you sleeping in a cool enough environment? Are you staying up to the point of exhaustion? I notice that if I fall asleep softly to that first wave of tiredness I sleep better. If I stay up late to the point of exhaustion I feel battered in the morning. Staying hydrated before bed is good (no alcohol or caffeine), but also don't drink water 1 hour before bed. I turn off all of the lights and try not to use my phone. I stopped watching porn before bed also. I brush my teeth an hour before bed instead of 5 minutes before bed because it feels like a task and I can't unwind after it. I try not to read anymore before bed because it keeps me thinking. I now just try to take deep breaths, relax, maybe meditate or just watch TV far away from my screen. Exercise also helps. With respect to actual sleep duration I did an experiment. The experiment consisted of me not doing anything mentally engaging from 9 PM to 11 PM. I just watched relaxing TV shows, nothing intense for a little while until i started to recognize I was getting tired. I then went to bed once I felt it was appropriate. I did not set an alarm clock. I woke up after 9 hours. My FitBit said I got 8.25 hours of sleep. I did this multiple nights and got the same results. It showed me how many hours of sleep I needed, which is about 8.5 hours or 9 hours in bed.
  10. Thanks for the messages. I'm doing a lot better. Work is interesting and I have lots of projects. I'm going to start animating more and hopefully make some money online off of my work at the end of this year once I'm comfortable. I'm a little frustrated that I had to pay so much money this past week and this past year. I've spent way too much. I'm tired of it. I'm done eating out and done doing expensive hobbies like rock climbing and stuff for right now. It's 30 dollars each time I go. Eating out is like 70 per week. I'm done with that. I need to get back to where I started by bringing lunch each day. I'm done here. This means I'm done "catching up at lunch". All of my friends want to "catch up", but what that means is they unload their lives on me and then barely hear me out except for maybe 2 people. "Let's get drinks". No. We can cook meals at my house or your house and that's it. I'm done with this crap. I mentioned in prior posts how I fucking hate just sitting and talking. I hate when people gloat about themselves while they stuff their faces in all their glory. You're not special. Nobody is special. You're just an animal on this planet. Fucking step down from your pedestal. I'm going to avoid eating out the rest of this year unless it's 100% necessary. No stupid vacations, no weddings if possible. I'm done. People need to stop taking from me.
  11. Has law enforcement been involved? This does not sound safe at all. I hope you're all ok.
  12. I feel you with the desire for people to recognize your art. It's a reflection of our need to be recognized and loved by others, especially when we have a past issue loving ourselves. This journey to the outdoors for you could be your own path to recognizing and loving yourself more than before. I hope it helps. I find once we enjoy ourselves more we attract more people because they feel your warmth as a person.
  13. Thank you for the kind post. I'm happy my words and journey have resonated with people on here. I really want to help others and be a beacon of hope. It makes me feel good to help others. I'm very fortunate to be in this community.
  14. I think that was me talking about having a difficult time leaving bed unless I have priorities lol. Sometimes our energy changes and it's tough. We just gotta build new habits slowly so eventually we get up. That might be easier when if we start the day off with some rewarding activity maybe.
  15. You are right and I really appreciate what you're saying. I think I'm slightly over thinking this whole thing. I know it's an oxymoron what I just wrote, but I think I'm reacting to the sadness and exhaustion I'm feeling. I've allowed myself to reminisce over moments in this apartment that I've shared with my roommates over the years. I was here for 3 years with the same roommates. I never really got over the fact that I had to leave and move on. I had some of my best video game memories here, best parties ever where I hosted over 70 people over 15 times, fun nights with friends just telling jokes, etc. Now it is empty. I never dealt with the pain and repercussions of both our friendships falling apart. I kind of just angrily wrote them off as I left. Now I have time to think and thinking has hurt. I'm deciding to just treat this like a relationship breakup. I had good times, but I had more bad times than good in the last half of the time together where I was treated unfairly and was upset most days and nights. I can look down the hall and remember seeing my roommate playing RuneScape and laughing out and smoking his vape pen. I walk around the corner and see my other roommate playing Overwatch and yelling at people online. It was just nice being around people who were enjoying themselves and I was honestly a huge player on both of those games to where I was excited to talk to both of them about it. Things took an angry turn when I quit games. Conversations stopped almost entirely after 4 months of quitting the first time back in April of 2018. We stopped talking entirely in May 2018 until November 2018. In November I found that letter from my other roommate's mom saying she'd help him find jobs so he can leave. I just felt like I wasn't either of their friends and it hurt my feelings. But I can't get upset over that. I get upset about it because I cherish friendships and relationships. Although I'm socially popular, personally I don't let people in. When I do it's a very deep connection I feel and it hurts. Ruminating thoughts are weights that hold us down when we have enough balloons to float somewhere better. Now that I've thought about this: I'm in a beautiful home without the risk of getting robbed or killed in my parking lot. Two people died where I lived in the 5 months I lived there. The commute now is 6 minutes each way instead of 45 minutes. I have 3,000 sq ft of space instead of 998 sq ft. I live on a lake with a deck I can relax on and a large yard instead of a parking lot with no outdoor space. I'm in a 15 minute radius drive of all of my close friends, yoga studio, rock climbing gym, my favorite restaurants, golf courses, tennis courts, outdoor trails, parks, etc. I love this area. I can finally breathe here and relax. I feel like I'm at home. I was angry because I had to move 3 times this year and that my friendships didn't work out. I'm moving in the right direction because of my will and hope, my belief, and my support from friends, family, and community here. Thank you and sorry for posting a lot recently. I've been rather volatile and desperate.
  16. I'm painfully sad at the moment. I have no emotion really other than emptiness. I'm lonely beyond belief and that's why I relapsed with porn last night. It was terrible. I keep remembering the memories of the past 2 years as I walk the halls of my old apartment that I'm living in again. All gone. The move went well. I'm just sad about leaving again. It makes me so upset about how difficult life is. I have nothing left in the tank right now. I'm very empty. I wish for hope, love, and strength. I've used all of mine up this year. I feel so betrayed by friends and family. I feel betrayed by myself. I can't focus on work. I'm just fighting back tears and trying to be calm. I'm so embarrassed and lost. I'm such a loser. I feel like an ant.
  17. I'm finally all moved in. I had a very stressful weekend and past few months. My issue now is my floor kind of vibrates here too with the heat. I don't remember it always doing this. It's not as bad as the place I just left. I think I might just be sensitive to it. It's making me think I've once again gone all in and moved for no reason. What's done is done though. My mom helped me out a lot today and I really enjoyed her company. It made me sad because I kind of wish I could always enjoy my time with her. Happiness always tends to bring me sadness in perspective. I'm here for 6 months and if I don't find a roommate I'll be gone again. I kind of just want to cry and have someone hold me for a night. I really want some affection and love. No kissing or anything. I just want a deep embrace and letting me know I'm ok. I have unfortunately watched porn again. Oh well. Tough year. I honestly don't think the floor here is vibrating. I've walked around a bunch all night. I think it's something in my head with the sounds of the fan I use. The other place I was in definitely shook. This one isn't shaking. I think it's a stress disorder I'm experiencing. I'm very upset from the past year. I honestly am excited to be back here, but I'm very sad. I just feel like i keep moving and now I'm in limbo again. I'm alone in another house. I miss having roommates. I'm so tired of not feeling confident in my residence and my life. It's this looming cloud of pure sadness knowing I'll never find happiness. I set my bedroom up the way it was before. It looks like I've never left. Like the year I just had never happened. But it did. My roommates both left now and I don't know what's going on. I've lost confidence in myself. It's hitting me extremely hard tonight. I'm absolutely miserable.
  18. I think it's funny that I had a similar feeling that you have last night. I was thinking of how stressful this year has been and just wished I had someone understanding who could hug me for like 15 minutes lol. They need therapists who let you hug them for the last 10 minutes like how you meditate for the last 10 minutes of yoga.
  19. Today has been interesting. I'm done packing. I took a shower to cleanse myself and just relax before tomorrow. I get sad about moving because I feel like I don't have a home and I'm just stressed. But my floor is shaking and my hallway smells terrible. There's ghetto people near my car and the people here aren't friendly. I know I'm making the right decision. Today was interesting because I didn't watch porn. I really wanted to want to watch porn, but I didn't want to watch it. I felt the emotional attachment to the urge to watch porn but I rejected it. It didn't even come across as appealing to me. Something has changed. Either that or I'm depressed again, but I'll bed hopeful and say I changed. I move in 12 hours. Sorry for the posts today. I posted often. Wish me luck.
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