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DaBest

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  1. Thanks, @Erik2.0, and all very sound advice. The gym has been helping on days when I go. At some point I will need to redevelop a meditation habit. It's been a while. Day 229 No VG - 229 days, journaling - 5 days left, no sports news - 44 days, NF - 9 days, SOB - 10 days, NNO59 - 16 days, NIA1030 - 12 days left Small amendment to no internet after 1030, journaling is considered acceptable. I don't want the two habits competing against one another should I get home late like today. I also wouldn't want to influence my decisions on whether or not I go to the gym. Today was much calmer, but still a slog. Caught some breaks today. Hit the gym after. I could live there if my body would tolerate it. It's really starting to get addictive, FINALLY! I just need to make sure I do it right this time and stay injury free. I also had a fun incident today where I sheared off the rubber on one of my windshield wipers since I didn't get all the ice off. I got a new one after work and spent about an hour figuring out how to remove the old one (not OEM!) and 2 minutes to install the new one. I'm just happy I learned something new and that no one offered to help and destroy my manhood!!! (Just kidding...) Stressing a little bit over the internet curfew. It did definitely influence ,my decision to do this last. I may need to tweak some more after this week or next. We shall see if the positive changes are there.
  2. Yeah man, just go for it. I have some good news for you--you won't die if you do! I was 26 last year when I started too. I sucked big time when I started since I was so trapped in my head and so self-conscious. I nearly quit this past spring since I felt was struggling mightily with one of the classes I was taking, coupled with all the stress of giving up games at the same time. However, I stuck with it, and I'm starting to learn to enjoy the progression more than the results themselves. As long as I keep improving, it's worth it. And that's awesome you're thinking of taking singing classes too! That sounds like a lot of fun. Out of curiosity, what is it about acting and singing you like in particular?
  3. DaBest

    Ikar's Diary

    AHHHHH! That's amazing...you actually did it! Now I don't feel quite as weird , haha.
  4. I'm 100% stealing this quote. Damn that's powerful and true. You don't have to apologize for posting a lot. It's your journal--you can write as much or as little as you want. You're trying to fix yourself just like everyone else here, and you're going to have to do whatever it is that'll do that. And on that note, your journal is definitely inspiring. You've been through a lot of stress this year, yet you haven't caved on gaming in over a year, and you keep trying to get things right no matter what. And on top of that, you consistently go out of your way to help others on this forum. You're doing a heck of a job. You'll get to where you want to be eventually.
  5. DaBest

    Ikar's Diary

    This may sound really freaking dumb and dorky, but I literally practiced getting out of bed, and it's seemed to work well (especially when coupled with journaling, for me at least). When I got back into the habit, I would set an alarm which would go off in a minute, get into bed, fake sleep, hear the alarm, get up right away, turn it off, and walk to the bathroom. I would then do this seven times in a row to set that new habit loop with the new cue. Before, I used to set four alarms and would be liable to stay in bed for up to an hour. Now, I have just one alarm, and I'm up within ten minutes. Also, it's cool to see what you wrote about your haircut. It feels true. The better I've felt about myself, my haircuts similarly improved. It's weird, but it's true. If you take a look at bodybuilding transformations too, you see a lot of that--unkempt hair and fat/skinny one photo, ripped and well groomed in the next.
  6. Hi again! Yeah, it will be if it pans out. Even if I get paid once, I can say now and forever that I am a paid comedian, haha. Bodybuilding really is awesome! I should've started along time ago instead of playing the sports I did. If you're still dealing with your back and don't know what's going on, I find the videos from Upright Health really intriguing. I'm using the stuff I learned there to really begin experimenting with my back and understanding my joint and muscle dysfunctions. Have you found anything that's worked well for your back in particular? I'm a huge introvert too--this was way out of my comfort zone, but I'm glad I did it. That's kind of the point with quitting video games. You can message directly too. In forum, if you quote someone or use the @, like @Erik2.0, you'll get a notification. You can also DM by hovering over the person's icon, and hitting message.
  7. Day 228 No VG - 228 days, journaling - 6 days left, no sports news - 43 days, NF - 8 days, SOB - 9 days, NNO59 - 15 days, No Internet after 1030 - 13 days left Today I learned being the best engineer isn't worth shit. I have a lot of emotions right now. Today was supremely tumultuous. 11 AM I get an email that we had a stock out for a part that was my responsibility. On my plate for a few months, but had to backburner somewhat. I could've managed it better. Ironically, I had reached out to a new vendor to supply this part last week, but due to company policies, this is a slow process to bring in a new vendor. I scramble, cursing myself the whole way. I get supremely lucky. The part is in stock. I get even luckier. The original info I got was that we were one or two parts short. We scavenged from another piece of equipment--we had exactly what we needed. The part itself is small and almost insignificant. My actions for that small and usually insignificant part nearly caused a catastrophic failure which would've impacted thousands of lives. At this point, I'm really hopped up, so I go to my car, meditate for a little bit, and for the first time since starting this job, search for a new position in earnest. Skip forward to 3 PM. One-on-one with my boss. Basically a yearly performance review. His thoughts--within a year, I was already his best performing engineer. I felt several things, generally and in this order, over the span of about 30 seconds: shock, disbelief, severe disbelief, accomplishment, anger, tiredness, emptiness. The emptiness is probably the most important one. I was really touched by his words, but at the same time, I felt like shit. I told him so, "Wow, I feel like the worst engineer...I actually feel like shit right now." I was in shock because I work with some bright people who are way more organized than I am. I was in disbelief because I thought there were at least a few engineers ahead of me. I was in severe disbelief since I had a goal to be in the top 25% of my group within two years. I felt a brief feeling of accomplishment for obvious reasons. I felt anger because the accomplishment didn't feel that good, and all the pain I suffered didn't feel worth it (notwithstanding purpose and the benefits for other's to doing this work, and not withstanding whether my primary motivations are for me or for others, and which is the appropriate order for me). Tiredness because everything has been a complete battle, not just at work but really in life this year. Emptiness because I realize I can't continue like this, and for the effort I put in, the corresponding results seem multiples below what it could, or should?, be. The meeting ends on this note. Immediately after, I had another meeting. I don't know if I can say anything about this meeting. All I can say is it stressed me the hell out and I'm scared now. The meeting wasn't disciplinary at all, if anyone's wondering. That's really all I can say God forbid my company reads this. I spent the past year worried I'd get fired. Worried I'd fail again. Worried I couldn't be the thing I studied four years and spent tons of my parent's money on. Now I'm on top, and then what? If I'm lucky, I get a nice bonus or a half percent more on a raise next year? Fuck it. The societal good/benefit:stress/effort ratio is way off. If I'm gonna destroy myself, I better save a lot of people for it. There has got to be a better way. There has got to be a way where I can do a similar line of work, feeling energized to go to work, not feeling like I'm constantly going to fail or failing, where I can feel effective in my job, that creates significant benefit for many people. And even for the present moment, there has GOT to be a better way of making this job work, and there has GOT to be a better way to tailor my attitude to my employment. I needed to get that off my chest. For the time being, I'm going to keep continuing forward with my newly hatched plan. Fix my current job and figure out how I can get out of this mess and really start having that outsize impact without all of this fucking stress. Ya know, I said at the beginning of this year, I wanted to take on more responsibility (thanks Jordan). I knew it was going to be a battle, and I knew there were going to be some growing pains trying to become more man than man-child. Geez, I didn't think it was going to be this hard. What's up, real world?
  8. @Alexanderle. Yeah, when I restarted about a month ago, I did two every two weeks, and recently I've just been adding one every two weeks since I've been struggling with NoFap. Every two weeks because that's how often I see my therapist, and I use the habit as a promise to him, that I will keep it over the next two weeks. Overall, this has worked out well. It's slow going at the start, but over time the benefits start to compound. I find it easier this way too as too many changes all at once can be a lot to adapt to, and it is easier for me to focus on the problems that arise in my life by taking on that new habit. Otherwise it's hard to pinpoint which problem applies to which habit which requires a given solution. And thanks about the back, I'm working through it. I'll figure it out. Day 227 No VG - 227 days, journaling - let's go for another 7 days, no sports news - 42 days, NF - 7 days!!!, SOB - 8 days, NNO59 - 14 days!!!, No Internet after 1030 - 14 days Geez I'm beat. Was at work for nearly twelve hours today and I had therapy afterwards. And I had to cook dinner. And I need to do dishes. Bleh. Main topic at therapy today was how I look towards others for my self-worth and self-esteem rather than...well...myself. Thinking about it some more, I don't think that finding validation in external things is necessarily bad. It's feedback of sorts and it's important. I think it's a problem when too much identity and self-esteem is rooted in other interactions with people. There's a spectrum between being reliant on others to feel good, to being a grounded and integrated person, to not caring so much about others that one becomes anti-social. In my case, I think I'm going to attack this from both ends (doing things that provides validation, and becoming more comfortable with myself) and hope at least one of the two works. New habit is going to be no internet after 1030 (originally said 10 to my therapist, and then I panicked after I walked out, haha.) The exceptions to this will be work, and music/podcasts from my phone. That's it. This will help continue to get me to bed earlier, which will get me more sleep, which will make me more stable, which will make me more able to handle life's problems, which will raise my self-esteem. I've done much better this year with respect to this anyway. When I got back to Game Quitters, I was probably staying up to 2 on a work night at least once every week to two weeks. During this past streak, I've very seldom done so, maybe once every few months. Right now my bed time is more around 1130-12, rather than 1030 like it should be. I'm shorting myself a few hours every day which leaves me functional during the week, but really tired come Friday. Finally, my back is in a lot of pain now. I'm going to do some more research, stretch, and then go to bed. Forget dishes.
  9. Day 226 No VG - 226 days, journaling - 1 day left, no sports news - 41 days, NF - 6 days, SOB - 7 days, NNO59 - 1 days left (miscounted lol) Show last night went pretty well. We are really gelling as a team and we are definitely progressing as performers. Woke up and did some more research on my back. It feels freaking terrible right now. Yesterday's mobility workout made everything way worse in addition to the leg workout last week. In a way that's good though since my back felt pretty good around Thanksgiving, it means that likely its a muscular issue. I just need to start experimenting more to figure out what's going on. I'm thinking it might be my quads, causing excessive anterior pelvic tilt (confirmed), which caused my hamstrings to tighten (confirmed), which in addition to my weak glutes and hamstrings (at least relative to quads, confirmed), is causing my back to rotate and compress one of the discs that I have which is a little narrower. I think for now, I'm going to limit lifting that targets the quads and just focus on stretching for two weeks and see what happens. I'll continue to strengthen calves, glutes, and hamstrings in the meanwhile. Did upper body at the gym today, so no real discomfort or concerns. I'm getting bigger, which is nice. Improv practice was okay. Afterwards, we had a business meeting of sorts with a promoter who wants to start a comedy show with improv in it. I have mixed feelings about everything, but it's a good opportunity. I think I'm beginning to consider comedy more seriously as a hobby as a result of this. At the present moment, I'm stressed since I have to be at work at 5:30 tomorrow morning, and I have to manage a contractor and another major project at the same time. I really hate all the stress. It makes me feel ill. I'm going to just have an honest talk with my boss on Tuesday. I'm really not in good shape right now, but there's not much I can do to change the present situation overnight. I just need to keep making little changes and trust the process that I can do this. I'll figure it out eventually. Also, new habit tomorrow! I'm excited!
  10. Great job! I remember you were so close a while ago. It's great to see you finally hit that milestone!
  11. Day 225 No VG - 225 days, journaling - 2 days left, no sports news - 40 days, NF - 5 days, SOB - 6 days, NNO - 4 days left Got to the gym today. Cleaned up around the house. Took a nap as my body feels like garbage, especially my lower back. Did a lot of research into postural correction since my shoulders, back, and hips are out of whack. I have an improv show tonight as well. So that should be fun. Side note, the gym is becoming my mental refuge.
  12. Gotcha @Ikar. My neuroticism is a blessing and a curse, haha. Day 224 No VG - 224 days, journaling - 3 days left, no sports news - 39 days, NF - 4 days, SOB - 5 days, NNO59 -5 days left Kept all my habits today and made it to the gym despite being completely sleep deprived and gassed. I just need sleep tonight. I abused myself good this week.
  13. Glad to see you back. I think we were all a bit worried there. You already know what you need to do. Good luck.
  14. @Ikar, interesting take. It's definitely #1 right now since there's not a close number #2 to hang my self-esteem on. Things are getting better with respect to that--socially, hobbies, health?--and really that's been taking place slowly over the past seven months. And to say there are no benefits wouldn't be true. My current job, though stressful, got me off of night shift; pays me a healthy salary and benefits which goes directly to my future and funding things like improv, going to the gym, improving my wardrobe, etc.; lets me use my skills to advance the state of the art in medicine; and provides me the chance to be more responsible and solve problems. I think it would be fair to say I have too much of my self-esteem and identity wrapped up in this right now. The peak of this was over the summer, and I think overall it's been trending downward, but this is the shitty time of year for all engineers where I work, so I'm in the thick of it right now. Hopefully, by February, things will be better. I also need to give it a fair shake of getting myself in order first, which I don't think I am. That said, I am entertaining other opportunities 🙂 Day 223 No VG - 223 days, journaling - 4 days left, no sports news - 38 days, NF - 3 days, SOB - 4 days, NNO59 -6 days left Work busy. Blah blah blah. I think I'm doing a slightly better job managing my big project right now. Kept all my habits today. Got to the gym. Had to be careful with a neck tweak, but I was able to do 80% of my workout, and the other bit I just modified and did other stuff. I did sit in the parking lot reading news before I went in since I knew I was not getting out until after 9. I was literally searching for ANYTHING. In reality, I scan two sites for headlines, and then there's some itch that I can't finish scratching. To be honest, I don't think I really give much of a damn about the news, but I need it to feel even-keeled. Super tired and have to get to work early tomorrow. Going to bed a little late. Oops.
  15. Day 222 No VG - 222 days, journaling - 5 days left, no sports news - 37 days, NF - 2 days, SOB - 3 days, NNO59 - 7 days left Very stressed out at work today, but I'm handling it better than I would've if I was where I was earlier this year. I just feel sick and crappy, not spiraling down into ideation territory like I was over the summer. I had to leave work midday to go to the doctor's, and when I got back, I just sat in my car for a bit and meditated. I was so freaking tense. I still don't know entirely what the root cause of all this work stress is though. I have an idea of what it is, but I feel like what I've written and thought about it isn't the full root of the stress. Maybe it's a combination of the absurd workload, the fact that I care, and that I'm a low-esteem perfectionist that puts me in such a state. If this is true, I can find a new job, stop caring, or build up my self esteem. The first seems eventual, the second seems impractical, and the last is the only definite which I should/am trying to do. I spent two hours after hours at work today trying to problem solve my job and work on my organizational skills. I created a skeleton project file structure and a project charter template that will help me evaluate new projects and hurdles that will need to be overcome at the outset. I sometimes rush headlong into something or miss seeing certain hurdles, which hinders my effectiveness as a project manager/engineer. This is a step in the right direction. In other news, I maintained all of my habits today, which is great. One of my next habits next week will be no Internet (except podcasts or music on my phone) after 10. That will help me keep a more steady sleep cycle which will improve my performance and keep me more emotionally stable.
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