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  1. Day 24 (24 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free. Today I was feeling the urges a bit at work, especially that I am stressed. I think it was a good call to get the extra sleep this morning. I was still tired when I woke up--I fell asleep about a minute after I closed my laptop after writing the last post, lol. I still find I'm looking for that substitution when I get home, and I'm generally substituting with sports (which was the original numbing agent when I was a kid). Really, I need to be working on meditating, social skills, or working out. My cravings for sweets is still quite high too. I think I'll journal on my goals for a little bit, meditate, and maybe go for a quick walk. Then maybe I'll make some cookies for a co-worker that I promised I would do so. Y'all have a good night everyone.
  2. You're crushing it George. Keep it up! I'd also highly recommend Brazilian jiu-jitsu. I couldn't stick with it due to some injuries, but it was amazing experience. Definitely give it a shot!
  3. Day 23 (23 day streak) Thank you both @BooksandTrees and @Ikar for your kind posts. There's a lot to unpack here! (And I'm reluctant to go very in-depth right now since I got home very late tonight, but here goes). First of all, I'm feeling much better today, as that generally happens while I am at work for the simple fact that I'm not nuking my brain on the internet. I'm pretty well aware of my triggers. Standard HALT stuff, plus laziness, uncleanliness, and porn. Those are usually the means by which I find a way to berate myself, feel terribly guilty about my actions, and then decide to numb it away. But some of it is simple habit too. I still find myself typing in "reddit.com" even though I have it blocked on both my laptop and phone now. I like to think I've gotten a little bit better at managing these things recently, and it's just going to take discipline and habit to make it stick. The perfectionism, beating myself up, and self-hated is another story which ties into this. I've just recently started to tackle this, too. I agree with you, Ikar, that it is very liberating to accept responsibility for my own situation (it seems we are both on the JP train, lol). There are times though where that's absolutely terrifying though, and I don't use that word lightly. I mean it, because if I keep doing the same thing over and over again, I'm going to stay in my own personal Hell. Not fun. I will get to the same forgiving mentality that you are talking about with some practice, and like you said, some with some further insight into parts of myself I've avoided, I think I will be able to grow more comfortable with myself. --- And brief overview for the day. Limited urges for sports stuff at the end of the day. Was at work for most of the day, left at 9:30 PM when critical equipment testing was dropped in my lap at the very end of the day. It was a great learning experience though, so I'm okay with it. However, I'm a bit stressed that I'm still struggling with some aspects of my new job. I'm still getting better though, so that's good. Anyway, I'm going to have dinner now and go to bed. I might give myself a little extra time to sleep in the morning. My boss is very reasonable and would understand given that I stayed so late tonight.
  4. Thanks @Ikar! I don't have much social support around me, so it's either that or nothing most weekends. I've been really frazzled recently so I haven't gone, but I highly recommend to try it at least every once in a while. Day 22 (22 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free. Holy shit, my mood has tanked hard the last 24 hours. I think this is because of the reductions in my normal numbing outlets and dopamine. I've been constantly searching for a fix and have seldom found it. All of a sudden, I am now beginning to feel how utterly fucked up how my life is. I am feeling totally overwhelmed and depressed as a result. I have instinctively known this, but I haven't really felt it as I've been numbing myself for so long. The only real moment I felt normal today was when I was watching some sports once I got home, and that's only because I wasn't thinking about how immensely I have neglected my life. I was supposed to go to improv class tonight, but I've been struggling to hold normal conversations with people today, let alone be charismatic and make jokes, so I decided to stay home. Ugh. Even my mother asked last night if I should go on anti-depressants. I told her no, because really I'm floored because of how much I neglected myself all these years and it was from my actions that I feel this way. That said, I want this to hit hard--I need to start feeling these emotions and start processing them. I need to not make returning to this personal Hell an option anymore. It's tempting since I don't feel the pain of knowing I've acted wrong, but the longer I stay there, the bigger the moat I dig around it. I need to act rightly. I was kind of hoping this process would have a painful withdrawal phase where after reaching the other side I'd feel much better, so I kind of welcome this as a rite of passage. I'm going to fucking out-grit this. I'll figure this out.
  5. Day 21 (21 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free the past few days. I needed the rest on Friday. Saturday was pretty nice, I got up reasonably early, got to the gym, cleaned up, and read a whole book in a sitting (wasn't a hard read by any means). Afterwards, I started to feel really shitty and shameful around time to go out, as I have not gone out solo on a Saturday in months. So I made a deal with myself to just drive out to where I might consider going. I did, and sat in my car for an hour just with the constant swinging of emotion from shame to guilt to fear, around and around, over and over. I just sat with the emotions and waited, and worked through some negative self-talk. It was actually useful to do this. After that hour, I made another deal to myself that if a particular bar was showing the UFC fights, I'd go in for a bit. I went by and looked in, and they weren't, and in general, the area (full of bars and restaurants) seemed really dead for a Saturday, and was mostly just couples and what not. I left as I did not make my bargain. If I get the courage to next weekend, I'll go into the city or go to a weekday happy hour. I'm just in a weird, kind of depressed and trapped mental state. I need to set a really low bar for next weekend though, as I've just been expecting too much of myself recently. When I got home, I went on Youtube til 3 AM and woke up late. I'm a bit upset about this as I did a pretty good job of staying off the internet yesterday until then. Late start to today, but I'll keep going. Oh, and I just downloaded another extension to specifically reduce my YouTube time. So now I'll have it blocked on my phone and available on my laptop for 30 minutes a day.
  6. Day 19 (19 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free. Hell yeah. Not easy today. Today I've been riding the dopamine train (choo choo!). No gaming content, but a lot of substitution. I need a reset so I'm going to bed. Not super upset with myself though since I was truly beat from this week, but I am staying up later than I hoped and my diet has been no good today. I notice on nights like these, without gaming content, I don't stay up nearly as long. That's good. Short post, I'm tired now.
  7. Day 18 (18 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free. I'm feeling wiped from this week. I have a mountain of work at work and I'm struggling to get though it all. As a result, I've been staying late most nights and I'm coming home absolutely exhausted. Cravings are high for internet bingeing and watching gaming content. I'm searching for that fix. I think this is adding to the stress a bit as the lack of stimulation starts to build. Dang. No gaming + no Reddit + NoFap = brain not happy. I also meant to go to bed early tonight but I vegged when I got home. I'm calling it now. I'm staying in tomorrow night except maybe going to the gym after. I'm passing up a social event and I don't care. I need to take care of me first. I'm going to go to meditate briefly and go to bed. Cool. Peace.
  8. Hey @ElectroNugget, I really identify with your post. Quitting PMO and gaming and realizing my life was really screwed up by it--check. Career low caused by these things and second guessing career choices (mine was three-to-four years ago)--check. Feeling weak, overwhelmed, with intrusive thoughts of suicide--triple check. You're pretty aware of your own problems, so I'm confident you can figure this out. I agree with what George said, a lifestyle change doesn't happen overnight. The only thing you can try and do is be 1% better relative to yesterday, every day. Eventually, that'll compound and you'll realize you've come a long way. While I still feel like my life is in the shitter in many ways, in some ways it is much better than it once was. I take some solace in that, and that will come with time for you. And by no means do I want to come off as preachy--this is the same advice I need and struggle with every day. I just want you know that I believe in you and hope you will find your way, because if you figure it out first, that will give me more hope for myself, too. And I apologize since this advice was completely unasked for. Again, I just felt like I saw a lot of myself in this. Oh and by the way, your art is dope!
  9. Day 17 (17 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free. REDDIT URGES HOLY MOLY. I found myself constantly thumbing through my phone and laptop when I had a spare moment, but to no avail, as it is blocked everywhere. I can't find that novelty I want. Gah, detox. I'm also very tired and worn out. Today was just a day of having people just dropping endless requests on my desk, firefighting, and dealing with stressful stuff in general. Compounding on this was the fact that I ended up journaling until 1 AM by accident, and I'm just tired in general. All-in-all, I handled it quite well today, but all I want is sweets, internet, and everything else pleasurable under the sun. I'm going to go to bed shortly after this so I don't do anything too stupid. Speaking of that journaling session yesterday, I found that very cathartic, as I never written about that particular incident since, and was able to realize why I acted as I did, and all the untruths surrounding that. Specifically, this surrounded an event between myself and my mother when I was twelve. When I was young, she was not a good mother--she hurt in many of the same ways I do. Fortunately, she got better though, starting shortly after this event, and became a much better person ever since. Nevertheless, this event also happened during a really dark time during my life, so its effects were compounded. I didn't cry or anything when I journaled, I was more curious than anything. A lot of thoughts I had about that event--that I was worthless--was untrue and much easier to see in retrospect. I think I want to talk to my mom about this sometime soon. We touched on it once in the past, but I didn't feel like I got the whole truth, even though it probably was. I think even a simple affirmation of our last discussion will help add closure. I am a little nervous about bringing this up though, and I don't want to drag my mom back through Hell, because that's not my intent and she doesn't deserve it. I feel on-edge right now. Goodnight.
  10. Day 16 (16 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free. No urges today. I had more urges to mindlessly browse the internet (and this was very frustrating at work!), but that's not the name of the game right now. I also clicked on a Reddit link today and was blocked--I didn't even realize what I was doing. Again, one of the best ways to avoid gaming and the Internet is to stay at work until 8 PM! I'm partly driven, partly want to do well by the people I'm responsible for. Today was very stressful though. I had to deal with so much firefighting for important things, but all that firefighting took away from my core important/long-term work. I'm going to spend some time after this to write about childhood/old experiences that I still randomly think about which elicits a negative emotional response, per the podcast I listened to yesterday. I was surprised to hear that the more experiences one has that are like that, the more fearful and anxious people tend to be of new things and situations. I have MANY of those, so that will be worthwhile. I'll probably engage in some mediation afterwards as my self-talk today declined as I dealt with a difficult problem. Quick post. Goodnight everybody.
  11. Day 15 (15 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free. Geez, it feels good to be at 15 days. Halfway to a month. I haven't gone this long without either probably since I last worked on this journal. This gives me confidence I might be able to improve other areas of my life similarly. Yesterday went ok. Cleaned up a bit around the house, which is great as it clears mental space in my head. Called home for Mother's Day. I've been kind of lonely and shut-in recently aside from work, so I look forward to these calls home. I also installed an internet blocker on my laptop for Reddit, as I really waste too much time on that site and want to develop some habits outside of relaxing on Reddit. This has worked well on my phone, so I wanted to see what would happen if I tried this elsewhere. Today was meh. I'm slowly getting overwhelmed at work. I had a small chat with my department's director about this after a meeting, and basically told him that I have enough work to keep me gainfully employed for quite some time, and just that a lot of people are going to have to wait for me to help them. He understood. I still enjoy the work though as I feel like I'm doing something that benefits society, and that I'm responsible for the well being of many people at our site, directly or indirectly. After work, I had my improv class. It had its ups and downs--I'm usually pretty good at the games, but I get overwhelmed during runs and scenes--and I'm going to spend some time after this meditating on my positive aspects, as I noticed even the minorly poor performances I had really affected my self-talk on the car ride home. The past couple of weeks have been hard, and I ought to keep doing this as improv makes me scared, and is hard. This is good for my character. Oh! And I listened to a really good Jordan Peterson podcast while driving today that focused on fear, which really dovetailed well into improv and some of the other issues I've been having. Long story short, being scared and fearful is normal, so get used to it and become courageous. That was a bit of a bitter pill to swallow, since I'm usually scared and fearful. At the same time though, it's kind of comforting, and it gives me more opportunities to experience adventure going forward.
  12. Day 14 (14 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free...barely. Yesterday started well and ended poor. I worked on stretching a bunch in the morning as my lower back has gotten super tight due to my new desk job. After, I did a big leg workout in the gym and felt righteously sore afterwards. Did some laundry, cleaned up a little bit. So far so good right? Unfortunately, I got distracted on my computer and went down Dopamine St. Stayed in. A little bit upset with myself, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm going to make mistakes along the way. Fortunately, though I really wanted to, I did not view any gaming content. Searching for those hits of dopamine were much harder without it, I felt like I was drowning searching for the right novelty. Today will be better though. I did spend some time this morning reflecting on all the good I have to offer the world, and all the good that I've done, and I feel much better for it. I might make a habit of this during my meditation. Regardless of my situation, what good does hating myself really bring me? It's one thing to desire growth and improving, it's another to be a masochist. I think I'm doing much better than I was 2 years ago. I just need to continue on that path.
  13. Hey, sorry to hear your wife lashed out at you. That must be immensely frustrating and even scary given the other circumstances of your situation. I agree 100% with Ikar--focus on yourself first. You can't control her actions no matter how hard you try. The only things you can control are your actions and your reactions to external things. You can go and analyze what she said to see if she's speaking truthfully or just being spiteful, like you did, but ultimately you can't stop her from saying such things necessarily even if things change. That's up to her. Perhaps she will turn around as you continue to pull your life back together, which it sounds like you're doing. Gaming won't help your situation at all, though, so don't bother with that. Stay strong. Also, I highly recommend reading Marcus Aurelius's Meditations if you haven't already. Not a super long book, and deals extensively with how to respond to negative things outside of one's control. One of the few books I've re-read multiple times.
  14. Thanks, @30_yrs_of_gaming. It's so true--being a neurotic perfectionist has its pros and cons, it's just a matter of channeling it productively. Also, I'm glad to hear that your neighbors are really looking out for you. That's really good news. Also, I've been keeping tabs on your journal, and I'm happy that you and your wife are communicating better now. Keep up the good work! Day 12 (12 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free today. Again, it helps when I'm not home for most of the day. After I left work I went to the gym, and then I didn't get home until 9. I'm pooped. I decided to stay in and recuperate tonight. I worked really hard this week, and I feel good that I did. I will be going out tomorrow night and this time I'm going to take it a bit easier during the day, and spending the day focusing on the positives of who I am, and why I'd be valuable to random strangers. I've never really given that too much thought before, which is kind of wild to think about. I'll likely journal that on paper and report back here. In other news, I find myself generally spending less time on the internet and staying up as late. Discipline! I think installing blockers on my cell phone and meditation have really helped with this. I don't have blockers on my laptop, as I am on that far less. My phone usage has tanked as well--it's down below an hour a day even with work items included. That's all for now. Bedtime and gym in the morning.
  15. Day 11 (11 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free. I feel a bit nostalgic about it today. It's hard not giving my brain that escape. I'm here in this world and I have a lot of stuff to do. Long slog at work today. I need to get more productive at work and getting through my tasks faster. I've lost a bit of focus recently. This troubles me. I might do some more work after this post. The amount of work on my plate is overwhelming. I have feelings of dread about the weekend and going out. I've been too busy to make plans this week, and I'm still just as fearful about going out solo again. However, I know I need to do this--this is valuable and I need to be able to accept failure and still love myself in order to grow. That's all for now.
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