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  1. Day 80 No VG - 80 day streak No SAH - 10 day streak 100% clean. I'm still going to keep this kind of quick tonight, but I do need to elaborate about the past few days. Two days ago I went to see my new therapist. It started off poorly, as the front door was locked. Little did I know, that the door to the right of it--WITH A DIFFERENT ADDRESS NUMBER--was unlocked and led to the same hallway. I wasted ten minutes due to this. Good times. My therapist and I did not do any groundbreaking work so to speak. It was more of a "get-to-know-you." This was still helpful though, since we discussed a little bit of how my past led me to where I am now. He also let me know a little about himself too, which was good. Give and take. He seemed to deal with quite a few people like me, commenting that when World of Warcraft initially came out, he had hordes of people coming in who were hooked and didn't like it. So he seems to understand. Also, he seems to be quite a good listener and did not muck around with his phone at all, like my last therapist did. This is also great news, considering the stakes feel much higher now. It was also extremely cathartic to just speak what was on my mind to someone else besides my parents. It was like the mountain of stress was lifted off my shoulders momentarily. Yesterday, I packed as I moved to a new apartment today...sort of. I'm actually at my old apartment right now since I have a few days on the lease and internet. I also need to clean up some. Today was busy, I moved to my new place and found some time to head into work in the afternoon. It's stressful, but I really like the new place. However, I'm still extremely stressed out. But I really have to stop giving a fuck about that. For once in my life, I need to start being brave and living like I'm going to die tomorrow. I was doing some thinking about this recently, but this is my ideal way of living, even though I've been so diametrically opposed to it. My life has been full of inaction. My locus of control was outside of me. I need to start cultivating this new side of me. No more being weak and wanting to hide. Action only. That was not a short post. Oh well.
  2. Day 79 100% clean. Still very busy. Still very tired. Now very procrastinating. Time to get to work.
  3. Day 78 100% clean. Very busy. Very tired. Therapist appointment went well. Goodnight.
  4. Day 77 (yet another morning post) No VG - 77 day streak No SAH - 7 day streak 100% clean. Had a dream of installing and playing several different video games this morning. Nice try brain. I've also had some urges to check sports sites but have been busy so I haven't really had the opportunity to. Boredom is a trigger I guess. Saw my cousin and his wife and kids yesterday. We had a nice dinner. I got home pretty late from that. Also, I have to leave for home, and start preparing for this week today. It's going to be a long drive. I'm probably not getting back until late nor am I going to want to post afterwards, so here we are again. Hopefully today goes well, too.
  5. Day 76 (morning post) No VG - 76 day streak No SAH - 6 day streak 100% clean. The wedding was great. Everyone had fun, and no one got too trashed. I also got to see a lot of family I don't see often, which was great. I got to see my two eldest cousins, who I rarely see anymore, but were like brothers to me growing up. It did make me kind of sad though to hear of so many people in our family moving to different states since the area is getting so prohibitively expensive to live in. Even my parents are considering the same. Another thing I realize is how much I crave family and community. I need to start building mine. I neglect people and relationships too much. I need to put in the work. I also was able to complete my sentence completions from The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem in the morning rather than at night, for the first time. This had a marked difference on the effect of the exercise, and as a result, I made better decisions throughout my day. Anyway, I might go out with my parents earlier in the day, and then I'm going to meet up with at least one of my cousins later, so early post.
  6. Well, @fawn_xoxo, a couple of reasons. One, I'm a guy, and there's all the cultural stigma around that. I don't buy into it necessarily, but I don't doubt the influence of growing up in such a culture. Two, I don't necessarily have shame when crying about something sad, but when it's crying about being overwhelmed at work and life, it is not my preferred reaction. I want to become better at taking those emotions as fuel to keep fighting harder rather than giving up. The cry was something akin to self pity and starting on the path to giving up, which I don't want to do. I don't want to give up for myself, for my family, and for the people I support at work since there's a lot of responsibility for what I do. Day 75 (morning post) No VG - 75 day streak No SAH - 5 day streak Quick post today since I have the wedding later. I just want to keep the streak going.
  7. Well, first things first, to answer your last question, I don't know how you're going to be a success if you give up on your plans and say screw it, and then play video games or Netflix. You should not do that. That will not help you, but you already know that. It sounds like you're trying to create a lot of new habits at once. That's great, but that can be kind of difficult depending on which habits you are trying to create. As far as I understand it, the current state of research into willpower is that it is a finite resource, but one that can be trained with time. If you have little willpower to start, and expect yourself to be an unfailing machine with your new routine, you're probably mistaken. What you can try doing, is start with one new habit a week, and make the goal of that habit as easy as possible to implement. For example, if you wanted to start working out more, don't say you will run a marathon a day, say you will run for a minute every day, and actually run every day. If you want to, you can run for more than a minute, but you at least have to run every day for a minute. The next week, increase your goal, and after a few weeks, start implementing another habit. And most importantly, enjoy the process of improving, and congratulate yourself when you do. You're going to need to replace the dopamine of the internet/video games from something else, so you want self-improvement to be your new, more helpful habit. If you want, create a loose weekly schedule to start. I just started doing this recently and I find it helpful. Finally, the four habits I would suggest you start first if you haven't started doing so already are working out, meditating, reading, and being social. These are key habits that really help me when I stay on point with them. I hope this helps.
  8. Day 74 No VG - 74 day streak No SAH - 4 day streak 100% clean today, but I got an unexpected sports update listening to Bill Burr's podcast. I was driving and captive--not much I could've done about that. That doesn't break the streak as far as I'm concerned. I've drove home today for a cousin's wedding tomorrow. I'm happy for my cousin, but I'm a little embarrassed as they're younger than me by a few years. Ouch. It's nice being home, but it took some time to adjust back to being with my folks. I was a little cranky from the drive. I'm also a little anxious for not being at work. I want to be refreshed when I get back to work so I can restart and redouble my efforts. These four days (or at least the first three of four) I want to be relatively free of work. I have enough other items to take care of as well. As you can tell, my emotions are still a bit all over the place, but at least they're better than they were yesterday.
  9. Day 73 No VG - 73 day streak No SAH - 3 day streak 100% clean today. Today started out really rough. Found out I made a few mistakes/found out a few bad things happened outside of my locus of control this morning, and I became very frustrated and depressed. When I do wrong or make some kind of a mistake, I will self-flagellate to no end because my self-esteem isn't great right now. It's an affront to my competence, as I know I'm at least decently intelligent, but when I don't feel intelligent I feel like I'm good at nothing, which can't be true at all. At one point I had to go to my car to just breathe, was nearly the second time I cried in a week. I haven't cried before this in over a year. It's shameful to admit, but man, it's the truth. It happened. However, after the pity party ended, I collected myself and got back to work. That's the only thing I can keep doing that will possibly help me. I'm frustrated in many areas of my life right now, especially now that I'm facing the facts and I'm not running away as much anymore. I put myself in a crap position, and I should feel bad about it, but I need to act on it and keep going. Thankfully, after that episode, my mood leveled off a bit for the rest of the day, and despite being tired and not really wanting to go to the gym, I hit another bench press PR and overall had a good workout. I was oddly grateful for that. It was something. Some kind of an accomplishment. I've added 25 pounds to my bench press since starting up with the journal again. If I gave up on everything, I would've never done that. I would never see what I'd become. It's amazing how shattered my self-esteem can be at times, and how much I'm willing to throw away just because I'm frustrated and a bit depressed. This therapist visit couldn't be better timed. My thoughts are not in the right spot right now. At least I got to experience pulling myself out of the pit today.
  10. Thanks @goodvibes and @Redmark, I appreciate the support! Day 72 No VG - 72 day streak (80% to 90 days, wow) No SAH - 2 day streak 100% clean today. Very busy. Got the lease signed today. Taking the no sports thing a day at a time. Tomorrow my goal is for three days (like it could be four, heheh.) Had improv class tonight, loitered around a bit after class. Didn't do so great tonight, but I learned a lot, I think. A ton of traffic coming back, so I just got home. I need some food and sleep.
  11. Day 71 No VG - 71 day streak No SAH - 1 day streak 100% clean today. Today was a struggle. I was very tired at work because I did some extra reading last night, and because I still don't feel well. I had to help with some equipment work, and didn't do much else. It wasn't the most efficient use of my time. However, it was good for my mood, as it sort of distracted my mind and I was doing something productive. On the bright side, I was finally able to get a hold of a therapist. I will see him Monday evening. That's a relief. There's a lot I would like to work on, so if all goes well, I'll be seeing him for quite some time. I had a therapist late last year who didn't seem to care at all, and spent more time on his phone during some sessions than actually paying attention. I'm hoping this will go better, especially as now I think I have a better grasp of what I need to be focusing on.
  12. Day 70 No VG - 70 day streak No SAH - 0 day streak @ElectroNugget, thanks for the support, man. This is definitely a down right now, and I just need to continue facing fears instead of running from them like I have for so long. I am quite happy I've avoided video games for this long, but this sports thing is hard since I really have no intent of fully writing it off. I just want to do it temporarily so I can further focus on real life. --- Past two days were bad. I just was on my computer all day yesterday and today, and I fended off some temptations to watch esports. I did not go into work over the weekend. And that's going to piss a lot of people off because it's going to mean more work for them. I was just so burnt out from everything recently, and I didn't have all the resources I needed to complete my testing anyway. The stress from work is honestly part of why I numbed myself so much this weekend. On the bright side, I made a new weekly schedule, which I tried to start following today. It started out well, but then I went back to some old bad habits. I did spend more time than usual on cleaning my apartment, so now it's in a pretty good condition. On a side note, I am amazed how enamored I am with the hero's journey, how I'd like to follow that, and how frequently I reject that path. It's like there's a part of me that wants to continue failing, verifying everything that's happened up until now. It wants pity and no responsibility, like a child. For the rest of tonight, I'm going to clean up a bit, call home, meditate, and read for a bit.
  13. Day 69 No VG - 69 day streak No SAH - 2 day streak 100% clean yesterday but it was difficult. I keep trying to rationalize why reading sports news is okay. The truth is I want to give it up for 30 days so I can focus on other areas of my life. However, my brain keeps telling me it's not that bad, and I ultimately forget why I started this in the first place. I felt this for quite some time at the start giving up video games. It is going to take some time to see the benefits which will hopefully outweigh the feeling like I'm missing out on an opportunity. I was really depressed on Thursday, I ended up calling my parents after my post, and when talking to my dad, I opened up quite a bit and just started sobbing. I really hate my life right now. I called another therapist's office on Friday and came to a realization that many of these therapists are booked up. This is the third one I've called in a row that was said to not be taking patients. The receptionist called me back to say "call five or six at a time." I asked her why, and she said "it's a sign of the times." That's messed up. Friday was weird too, I had a contractor working for me and we ended up working 14 hours. We had the weekend booked too just in case, but we all wanted to save two days of work and just get it done. It was nice because I got to distract my mind a bit. Now it's a Saturday morning, and I'm technically free today, though I really should spend some time at work since I need to complete more testing by Monday morning. I also technically should not go to work per company procedures but oh well, fuck that. I won't spend the whole day there though since I need some me time.
  14. Day 67 No VG - 67 day streak No SAH - 0 day streak Well, apparently sports is harder than to avoid than video games. After I woke up and wrote my post last night, I was too relaxed and ended up streaming sports (no-no) and then doing similarly this morning since I slept in. I was avoiding reality since I have a lot I need to take care of. I'm writing this post a little bit earlier tonight so I can get back on track. I've been going on the dopamine train for quite a while today. What am I avoiding the most right now? -Feeling stuck at home. -Fearing the contractor work tomorrow through the weekend as I feel underprepared. -Getting in contact with old friends. -Cooking. -Still haven't gone to the gym. -Need to call home. -Need to start working through more of my goals list and scheduling my weeks. -Need to be more organized. If I tackle these items for the next 5-6 hours I'll feel much better.
  15. Day 66 No VG - 66 day streak No SAH - 3 day streak 100% clean today. Overslept my alarm this morning, and was still very sleep deprived. Didn't have breakfast until I got to work and boy was I hangry. Breakfast made me much less irritated about small things at work. Thankfully work went well enough. I had to perform a decent amount of equipment testing today and it went well. I might have to work a little bit tomorrow though to prepare for Friday. I need to re-evaluate this in the morning, especially after I take some time for myself. I did mindlessly search news websites for a little bit today, but I've kept it to a minimum. I also did some google searches for sporting events I might want to watch at a bar this weekend, which I think is valid. There was one event tonight which I wanted to see, but I was so tired when I got home, I went to sleep for four hours. At a bare minimum tomorrow, I want to go to the gym, and perhaps if I wake up early enough, go to the beach for a little. We shall see.
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