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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today was another good day. I got very far on another project I have been working on. I also went out to eat with coworkers. My monthly eat-out bill for January was less than $100 which is what I wanted. I allow myself maybe $25 per week to do this instead of spending like $5,000 on eating out like last year. That's done with. I'll allow like $1,000, but not 5 times that. That can go to my savings.

I had a 4 hour conversation with my friend today. We hadn't talked in a while so I just watched some tv on mute while talking to him about everything. It was really nice and I enjoyed tonight.

I canceled the date with that girl I was supposed to go with. It really bothered me. I messaged her on Monday morning asking to grab dinner during the week and I was free except for Wednesday and Thursday. So she says Wednesday is best. Then 5 hours later she says oh wait, I misread this. I am free Friday night or the weekend. I say let's get dinner on Friday night. She says yes, she'd love to get dinner Friday night with a smile face emoji. I ask which one of these 3 restaurants do you want to go to? She waits 4 days and responds to me at 1 AM on Friday morning saying she was sorry she forgot to text me back or call me. Maybe we can hang at her place and then mine? I said I would rather get food and chat since I'm allergic to her dog and my house is a mess. She waits several hours to text again and says she'll message me when she is done teaching her class. She doesn't work during the day. Only yoga and stuff at nights on this day. She then says I'm free to hang out now or after 8:30. 10 minutes later she says I'm gonna take a pop-up yoga class so I'll be free after 8:30.

It takes 30 minutes to drive to a place near my house from the yoga studio. So she pushed it until 9 PM basically. I told her I'm not interested and she said ok. Then she said sorry and said an incoherent sentence that makes no sense. 

I realize I was not very much a priority to her by how she put me off and just did everything random first. Just tell me you're not interested. I am thinking of even blocking her number. I don't want to deal with her ever again.

This weekend I plan on taking things easier on myself. I'm gonna go for a walk, 3d model, read, relax, study, see a friend, and rock climb. Or maybe none of it. But I'm giving myself options.

You did the right thing. She definitely didn't see you as a priority and you deserve much better than that. Not saying she should have dropped everything to see you but to wait that long between messages when you're trying to organize a date is pretty telling of her interest level. Just remember that has nothing to do with you. 🙂

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47 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

You did the right thing. She definitely didn't see you as a priority and you deserve much better than that. Not saying she should have dropped everything to see you but to wait that long between messages when you're trying to organize a date is pretty telling of her interest level. Just remember that has nothing to do with you. 🙂

Thank you. I agree. I'm also glad at the way I'm handling this because normally I'd be swearing a lot lol.

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Today I'm 67 weeks free from video games. It was a much better week for me overall because I observed what had been bothering me in the past, fought through it for a bit, and the momentum carried me into a great week.

In summary I struggled last weekend as you all saw. I was going to skip work on Monday, but fought through it and had a great day at work and went to yoga afterwards as well as meal prepping for a week. This was all on only 2 hours of sleep after anxiety from Sunday. I also asked that girl out and she said yes.

Tuesday I had a full 9 hours of sleep, got more stuff done, and went to therapy. We spoke about how I need to take life less seriously and appreciate my daily tasks instead of trying to find immense purpose in every waking hour of my life. Sometimes it's just refreshing and important to live and enjoy the days. You can find purpose in every hour of every day for your entire life. That's exhausting and unrealistic. He also helped me realize I should get my rock gym membership.

Wednesday I got my rock gym membership and spent many hours with my friends there. Work went well and I enjoyed myself. Thursday I had a similar good day at work and went to a social event with my friends. I connected with a new person there and we had a wonderful time. I really enjoyed myself that night.

Friday I accepted that the woman who I asked on a date did not want to see me for anything other than a casual hook up. This made me angry, but I did not lash out like I've previously done. I just realized she was pushing me off as an unimportant part of her life. She is very selfish and just does everything for herself and just saw me as a Friday night hookup after all of her fun activities were gone. I realize I do not want that in my life so I told her I'm not interested. She messaged me sorry a few times and then wrote incoherent sentences even though she has a college degree in writing. This shows the lack of attention to detail and care in what she said to me and she's only speaking out of self pity because she didn't have someone be intimate with her after her "perfect day".

In reflection, I've learned what kind of woman I want to be with. I detailed it in a previous post. I'm happy I came to this realization and am excited to try and meet someone of this quality. In other news, it seems my office is finally going to make a decision about someone who has plagued all of my projects when part of my projects. They've ruined budgets on several projects, charge overtime when not working overtime, lies to people, is a cancer in the office, doesn't work through lunch, but charges their lunch to our projects so they only work 7 hours per day, but charge 9-10 hours to the project, doesn't work efficiently and talks most of the day, and blames others for their problems. It's very frustrating and one of the reasons I was getting stressed on Mondays. I'm hoping a decision happens soon.

Thanks for the comments this week.

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I am so sorry about your date. That was incredibly rude of her not to text you back for 4 days. Yes, please just move on from her. You need someone to lift you up... not leave you in confusion. 
 

Otherwise your week seems to have been wonderful. The rock climbing gym seems to be a great source of community for you. That is so wonderful. Btw, have you seen Free Solo? I have not, but it’s supposedly really good. 
 

You are doing so great. Also, please hang out with some friends this weekend. From previous posts, when you are alone on the weekends things get really tough. 
 

Sending joy my friend. You deserve it. Talk soon. 

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8 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

I am so sorry about your date. That was incredibly rude of her not to text you back for 4 days. Yes, please just move on from her. You need someone to lift you up... not leave you in confusion. 
Otherwise your week seems to have been wonderful. The rock climbing gym seems to be a great source of community for you. That is so wonderful. Btw, have you seen Free Solo? I have not, but it’s supposedly really good. 
You are doing so great. Also, please hang out with some friends this weekend. From previous posts, when you are alone on the weekends things get really tough. 
Sending joy my friend. You deserve it. Talk soon. 

Thank you. I agree. I really feel better with some of the other women I've spoken with this past week and become friends with over the past few months. I have a secret plan to hopefully date one of them, but I'm putting zero stock into it right now as the probability of it happening is less than 1% at the moment and I won't get into that since it's not worth fantasizing over.

I did have a great week. I really love the community aspect of rock climbing. I have seen Free Solo, all of the other documentaries Alex has been a part of, and Dawn Wall. Great movies and shorts. I recommend Dawn Wall if you want something more interesting than Free Solo.

I'm walking with my friend tomorrow morning and I might also be rock climbing tomorrow so we will see. I had a long phone call last night and am definitely going to be social tomorrow. 

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Today was good. I cleaned my apartment, made food, watched some relaxing programming, did laundry, and just collected myself. I needed some rest today after the busy week. I didn't do any hobbies, but it's because I was very exhausted after such an eventful week. I didn't beat myself up today for relaxing either. I just enjoyed it.

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Today was an up and down day, mostly up and only 40 minutes down. I woke up nicely, ate food, cleaned, and then went for a 2 hour walk with my friend. We got lunch after. I was so tired after that I took a 1.5 hour nap and woke up naturally. It was one of those dream within a dream things, but I decided to just detach from both the dreams because being attached to my dreams has been causing me depression.

I had a snack, drank tons of water because dehydration was causing me to be tired, and did laundry. My dad called me and we talked for a bit. The first 20 or so minutes we spoke about me, then he spent 40 minutes talking about his dating life, which has pissed me off for a long time. I told him next time we talk we're not talking about dating. My mom tried doing this to me and it stressed me out to the point where I never talk to her much. My dad is starting to do the same thing so I told him next time we talk I'm not talking about it.

Call me an asshole, but I don't think parents should tell their problems to their kids unless it's major and involves them. I don't believe parents should tell their children about dating, daily problems, and being their therapists. It's the parent's job to be there for their children. Yes, it's one sided, but those are the rules. Children go to their parents for comfort, not the other way around. I don't like that at all and it pisses me off that whenever I talk to my parents they just tell me their problems.

So instead of me swearing I'm going to handle it differently and just calm down and focus on my own issues. I had a great week otherwise so I'll continue to do that. I'll probably spend the rest of the night doing some 3d modeling, reading, and taking a shower, etc. I do yoga tomorrow so I'm excited for that.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Hello, sounds like you're setting boundaries with your parents. As a counselor people have always come to me and told me all their problems. I don't like it either. I resorted to spending more time alone and just not responding much when people are trying to get me to listen too much. I think you're within your rights to be not okay with listening to much of their problems or any if that's where you're at. Do what works for you.

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27 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Hello, sounds like you're setting boundaries with your parents. As a counselor people have always come to me and told me all their problems. I don't like it either. I resorted to spending more time alone and just not responding much when people are trying to get me to listen too much. I think you're within your rights to be not okay with listening to much of their problems or any if that's where you're at. Do what works for you.

Thanks. I agree. It makes me feel better when I set boundaries. It's like a mental fence and I can keep people out unless I'm ready to host.

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I tried falling asleep tonight but anxiety has got me again. Not as bad as normal. I read my book and laid down, but I begin to feel alone, then sad, then anxious as I think about wishing I could talk to my mom without getting stressed. I sometimes think of work stress, but not much. 

I just want a hug some nights to know I'm loved and safe. I guess I just have my blanket. 

I enjoyed reading my book tonight. I read about 40 pages. I could read more until I fall asleep. I took my shower, did my hobby, ate, groomed, moisturized, brushed my teeth. Everything. 

Sometimes I just want a hug from my mom when it's just a mom being a mom and not telling me her problems or being a jerk. I haven't had that since I was 10 or so. 20 years without a warm hug that lasts longer than 5 seconds and isn't awkward. 

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On 2/2/2020 at 7:04 AM, seriousjay said:

Hey, your shift in attitude has become very noticeable lately. I think that's a very positive step.

Keep up the good work, I think you're doing great!

This deserves more updoots.

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Today was a fantastic day. I had several really special and funny moments with this woman who I'm starting to become a lot closer with. We both like each other and it's starting to develop slowly. The only thing is she has a boyfriend. I don't believe she's very fond of him so I'm just going to keep being myself, not overthink it and avoid infatuation. 

I got another part of my project completed and am way ahead of schedule. Therapy was really good today as well. He agreed with my strategy when communicating with my parents on the phone to cut conversation completely if I'm not enjoying it. He also wants me to see where this goes with the woman, but not go insane. He agreed with how I handled the girl last week and the failed date. 

I'm also really enjoying the second book of the red rising series, Golden Son. I also woke up 1 hour earlier today than normal. I'm proud of that. 

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Today was really good. I finished another portion of my project. We're making great progress on it. I figured out I don't need to spend a ton of money on my dental work which I was worrying about. I only need to get a tooth implant, not 2 implants and wisdom teeth removed. That's gonna save me $6k. 

I went climbing with my friends today and had one of my best, if not my best, climbing days. I sent almost 15 routes and attempted more. It was nice seeing my friends there tonight. 

I made a really great dinner after as well and have some food prepped for tomorrow. I read another 70 pages of my book last night and did my 2nd consecutive day waking up at 7 am. 

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I'm kind of annoyed today. Work was fine, hobbies are fine, etc.

I'm just found myself irritable and wanting affection and female attention. I noticed this because I had no reason to be in a bad mood or upset. I just want attention from this one woman and she has a boyfriend. 

I am attracted to a very particular kind of woman. One that I only meet once every 5 years I'd say. The funny thing is they all date these guys who are kind of losers. These women are engineers, college graduates, interesting hobbies, brilliant, don't sound like valley girls when they talk, don't have that stupid upwards inflection when they speak like Instagram social media influencers, don't wear make up and are still beautiful, they're shy, but like being around me, they get me, I feel so great around them, and they're genuine people.

AND THEY DATE THESE FUCKING TOOL GUYS.

These guys don't have jobs or are like...department store workers or managers. Just these loafers who do nothing, have no hobbies, are awkward, unattractive, and in my eyes extremely pathetic with nothing to offer. It kills me.

I can't decipher why these women are attracted to men like this. I've seen it about 10 times so far.

My thoughts:

  1. The woman is insecure and settling.
    1. I've seen this in 2 of the relationships I mention where they had severely bad relationships in the past and are taking the safe option being with this generic guy.
  2. The woman wants to be in control of the relationship financially and decision wise. They hold all the power and the guy goes along with everything she says.
    1. This is a clear case in 3 of the relationships I'm mentioning. It's hard to prove it, but after knowing them for 5+ years each I know they're very bossy and want full control.
  3. He must have a 15 foot penis that vibrates, oscillates, and reads poetry.
    1. This isn't the case in any of the relationships I mention, but I can't know for certain since I haven't observed their sex life. Maybe it's a 20 foot penis.
  4. Most of them met at the end of high school or first year of college and have dated ever since. So they know each other well enough and it's like a reminiscent relationship for the good old days or maybe they've just always been happy together and one of them is just an underachiever and they don't give a shit because they don't value jobs and life performance the same way I do.
    1. This is about 8 of the relationships I mentioned earlier and I might just be an asshole.

I've decided to accept my emotions for the moment and just relax. I have no reason to be upset. I have had a great week. I just get these flare ups, like many other single men and women, and wish I had someone special in my life who actively thought I was wonderful. I want them to think I'm special and make me feel appreciated. I'd like to make them feel appreciated. It would be reciprocal.

Logically, there is no reason to be upset so I'm going to keep practicing this so I don't derail a good day and a great two weeks for no reason. There's no logical reason to be upset. I'm just lonely and sometimes that's ok to feel lonely. It means I value myself and know that love would be wonderful.

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14 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:
  1. He must have a 15 foot penis that vibrates, oscillates, and reads poetry.
    1. This isn't the case in any of the relationships I mention, but I can't know for certain since I haven't observed their sex life. Maybe it's a 20 foot penis.

Okay...... now that I can breathe again... thanks for that....

I agree with you, it's tough being single. But I find if I'm not happy single, how can I bring happiness to someone in a relationship? I personally need to be so comfortable being me that even if I'm single, it doesn't matter to me. Because I know who I am and what I want. Granted this girl may seem like all that for you, but you can never judge a book by it's cover.

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13 minutes ago, talon32 said:

Okay...... now that I can breathe again... thanks for that....

I agree with you, it's tough being single. But I find if I'm not happy single, how can I bring happiness to someone in a relationship? I personally need to be so comfortable being me that even if I'm single, it doesn't matter to me. Because I know who I am and what I want. Granted this girl may seem like all that for you, but you can never judge a book by it's cover.

That's why I want to retreat from putting this woman on a pedestal of sorts. I'm not desperate enough or lonely enough to be putting her in that high of regard, but I do notice it kind of hits me sometimes that I'd love to just talk to her and it's just not real. I need to pull myself in a bit and say ok, calm down. So I'm practicing that now. I had issues with it before for sure.

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7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
  • The woman is insecure and settling.
    1. I've seen this in 2 of the relationships I mention where they had severely bad relationships in the past and are taking the safe option being with this generic guy.
  • The woman wants to be in control of the relationship financially and decision wise. They hold all the power and the guy goes along with everything she says.
    1. This is a clear case in 3 of the relationships I'm mentioning. It's hard to prove it, but after knowing them for 5+ years each I know they're very bossy and want full control.
  • He must have a 15 foot penis that vibrates, oscillates, and reads poetry.
    1. This isn't the case in any of the relationships I mention, but I can't know for certain since I haven't observed their sex life. Maybe it's a 20 foot penis.
  • Most of them met at the end of high school or first year of college and have dated ever since. So they know each other well enough and it's like a reminiscent relationship for the good old days or maybe they've just always been happy together and one of them is just an underachiever and they don't give a shit because they don't value jobs and life performance the same way I do.
    1. This is about 8 of the relationships I mentioned earlier and I might just be an asshole.

Honestly, all of these are plausible reasons. Did she say anything particular that made you upset? I would actually see it as a win. I think that if her boyfriend is really such a tool and she subconsciously knows she can do better, then she would start falling for you, unless she tells her life story to every other guy that just gets talking to her.

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4 hours ago, Ikar said:

Honestly, all of these are plausible reasons. Did she say anything particular that made you upset? I would actually see it as a win. I think that if her boyfriend is really such a tool and she subconsciously knows she can do better, then she would start falling for you, unless she tells her life story to every other guy that just gets talking to her.

I agree. Usually the girls I've fallen for talk to every guy and repeat the same story all of ther time because they want attention. This girl remembers everything because she cares. She only tells me things because she cares. She isn't a meme either. It's great. 

The thing that annoys me is it's going to take a few months to develop into a relationship if it ever does. It's easy to get frustrated or impatient by that and yesterday was an example of impatience. 

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40 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree. Usually the girls I've fallen for talk to every guy and repeat the same story all of ther time because they want attention. This girl remembers everything because she cares. She only tells me things because she cares. She isn't a meme either. It's great. 

The thing that annoys me is it's going to take a few months to develop into a relationship if it ever does. It's easy to get frustrated or impatient by that and yesterday was an example of impatience. 

I actually go out to events quite intently these days, so I try to remember at least some basic things about people I meet regularly as well. It's hard to have a good time outside if I don't know what am I aiming for (and have no plans to achieve that). It obviously varies from event to event, but I don't want to go out to just go out.

I think you just have to sit tight on the front with her, unless something radical happens (i.e. any of you quits climbing). You are free to explore other options elsewhere though. Enjoy the smooth and slow sailing for now.

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51 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I actually go out to events quite intently these days, so I try to remember at least some basic things about people I meet regularly as well. It's hard to have a good time outside if I don't know what am I aiming for (and have no plans to achieve that). It obviously varies from event to event, but I don't want to go out to just go out.

I think you just have to sit tight on the front with her, unless something radical happens (i.e. any of you quits climbing). You are free to explore other options elsewhere though. Enjoy the smooth and slow sailing for now.

Yeah. I honestly feel better today so far about the whole thing. Most likely I'll find someone else. I wanted to stay vigilant of heightened infatuation because my dad does this and he either dates a million people or cheats on people and I want to ensure I don't do that. 

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Hi!

 

Skipping back a couple of posts.... what I have seen is that people choose relationships that mirror their caregivers relationship. Attachment theory. 
 

This cycle only breaks once someone is self aware of their thoughts/emotions/patterns/cycles... which sadly many are not. 
 

Also in relationships where educated women date the “loser” men.... it’s actually the men that hold the power in the relationship. These types of men usually withhold affection/attention ... and the woman is begging for any type of emotional intimacy. At least from what I’ve seen and just to add another perspective. 
 

You are doing great! As you said we all have good days and then tough days. We just have to keep going and supporting each other. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

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11 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Also in relationships where educated women date the “loser” men.... it’s actually the men that hold the power in the relationship. These types of men usually withhold affection/attention ... and the woman is begging for any type of emotional intimacy. At least from what I’ve seen and just to add another perspective. 

I completely agree with this statement. When I become friends with these kinds of women I am fond of I find that the male spouse is very rude to me. One of my best friends had characteristics of the type of woman I wanted to date and he always sat between us, never spoke to me, never talked to me when we exchanged numbers or social media (when I used it), and it was clear he was jealous she'd speak about me. In turn, our friendship has subsided. This has happened in another friendship as well where I used to talk to my friend all of the time and her boyfriend got pissed we used to hold an annual gingerbread house building event. So he invited himself to one, didn't help make the gingerbread house, watched TV in the other room, and the conversation was just awkward. She hasn't come over ever since.

I had another friend who was close to me and was dating a loser and he never came over to our house for parties or anything. He treated her like shit and controlled all of her friendships to the point where she has no friends now for the most part except for his friends. Nobody invites her to anything anymore and she keeps telling me how she's so upset and sad that she has no friends. Everyone has told her they don't like him and she won't do anything so they stopped talking to her.

Usually the more feeble members of society try to play the role of puppet master and try to control the ones they fear most. I'm determined to try and date this one girl though. Or just someone else over time who I find meets the kind of mold I'm looking for in a woman. 

That's not my first priority though. I've just been sticking to good habits and not being mean to myself. It's done a lot for me. I'll highlight it in my weekly post thing.

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