Alright we're back bois. I spent the day at the doctor, working out and then talking a lot with my dad about business. He's a very smart man and has great experience in both business and politics, although he doesn't know the cutting edge modern e-commerce models and such. He still thinks I'm making a mistake, but is willing to give me advice and support, which is awesome. The talk gave me the good old mix of motivation and fear. Though now, I REALLY REALLY want to make it work. I am risking a lot, but what I can gain is unbelievable. For some time, it used to be my life directive that whenever I feel fear or resistance towards something, I should just go do it. You could say ahh, how can you succeed at business if you still struggle with pathetic shit like gaming or sleep schedule, but fuck it. If I lose money, I lose money. If I lose time and other job opportunities, it is what it is. If I do a major screw-up and go to jail, whatever, I'll go to jail. I believe I will find a path in life, as long as I remain a good person and strive for my goals. I will do absolutely everything in my power to make the business work and generate passive income. I fear many things, but that just means I should go for it. It's massively uncomfortable and it's going to suck really hard at times, but I will not give up.
To answer your question, I've been thinking a lot about meditation lately. I'm definitely known to be "rugged" and "rough around the edges" when I speak my mind or get angered, and I definitely got that from my mother. Meditation seemed like the obvious answer to these issues. It could be a way for me to take back control when my emotions start getting the better of me; not just when I get angry - it can apply to moments of panic, stress, and anxiety amongst other things. Perfect way to wind down for bed too.
I'd like to touch on something I've briefly mentioned before, but which increasingly becomes obvious to me. I've come to several conclusions through my journey on this forum: both in terms of good practices (sleep as the basis for everything else for instance) and realisations (gaming addiction isn't my problem, it's a symptom of my boredom/loneliness/anxiety). While these conclusions are substantive (i.e. they're concrete behaviour, the "meat" of the issue), I haven't really addressed the form (i.e. the "muscle" which allows the "meat" to move). In other words, I keep talking endlessly about what I've understood about my behaviour, what habits are bad and what a healthy lifestyle should be, yet I've very rarely covered the "how" to make the change happen.
I'll stop beating around the bush.
I lack it to a significant degree. And I bring this up now, because I've just realised how much my discipline has degraded lately because my routine has been destroyed by my change of environment. As stated before, I'm currently hitching a ride on my parent's apartment for an internship in Paris - I'm alone in a city I don't know without friends, stuck in a tense family environment and little free time due to lengthy work hours, horrendous commute and my own passiveness.
What little discipline I had before was in my adoration for routine. It structured my days through subconscious habits. Now that I've lost all my bearings, I barely have any discipline to sit down and try to figure my time out. I complain about not having time to do things I want to do yet allow myself to get overwhelmed by passiveness because I haven't planned my day to give myself a modicum of structure and commitment.
As a sidenote, I'm more and more seriously joining the military, either as a reservist officier or a full time contract as a translator. It's become more than simply a personal desire - one of the many options I'm considering when thinking about the future - but somewhat of a necessity. I'm hoping that I'd somehow learn discipline the hard way. And I'm at a point where I think I'd actually have an edge, because I WANT the hard way at this point. A part of me wants to go through the process of boot camp, getting whatever privileges I had stripped away and eating shit like everyone else. I WANT to be disciplined by force because apparently I can't do it myself, or at least not fast/reliably enough to follow the rate I'm moving at.
Tomorrow I'll use downtime at work to try and actually get some rules written down and I WILL abide to them.
I've also been toying with the idea of lending my steam/origin account to a trusted friend while I deal with my addiction and other life issues. But the whole mess of 2 step verification and email confirmation means it's more of a hassle for him and just a chore in general. I've also toyed with the idea of deleting mis team account, I just do not want to throw money down the drain.
I'll end tonight's post with the three things that made me happy/that went well today:
Got kicked out of my office today at work, but I ended up back into my old temporary office: warmer, insane view, I can chat with nice coworkers, more privacy, etc. Nice. I had a good chat with my tutor, it goes to show that I take work far too seriously sometimes, it's okay to have a chat and a laugh every once in a while.
I finally submitted my application for the presidency of ESPOMUN in 2018-2019. And instead of running rival with another student, we decided to run as a ticket - whoever gets the presidency takes the other in as Vice President to share the workload. It's a nice compromise, and she's fun and hardworking. Here's hoping we get chosen.
France won the fucking World Cup. Need I say more? Well played Croatia though, you put up an excellent fight!
As usual, I might be turning in circles but discipline is the key to breaking the circle and turning it into a line leading forward. Unfortunately it's hard to gain alone. Again, I might not be the most selfless contributor to this forum, but I'm genuinely grateful for the discussions I can get here, and I sincerely hope that someone may find something useful or comforting from my mind-release exercise here.
Aw shiet this lad has come far
props for all the action taking, persistance and discomfort that has led you here.
be sure to give yourself some credit, remember where you came from, where you were at one year ago. I see it clear as day on this journal despite your occasional downs and frustrations, I see your evolution bright and strong, and it is inspiring, and serves as proof to all that this stuff, WORKS. So give yourself CREDIT. I know I do.
I even felt the smallest twang of, well not quite jealousy, but a funny sort of "welp, he's done it. he officially overtook me in the social and relationship department xD".
But that is because you have been taking a lot of action and getting out there with persistance. It's all a matter of action taking. Nothing you achieved here was given to you. You earned it.
Fking keep it up,
the fuck is that