@Alexanderle. Yeah, when I restarted about a month ago, I did two every two weeks, and recently I've just been adding one every two weeks since I've been struggling with NoFap. Every two weeks because that's how often I see my therapist, and I use the habit as a promise to him, that I will keep it over the next two weeks. Overall, this has worked out well. It's slow going at the start, but over time the benefits start to compound. I find it easier this way too as too many changes all at once can be a lot to adapt to, and it is easier for me to focus on the problems that arise in my life by taking on that new habit. Otherwise it's hard to pinpoint which problem applies to which habit which requires a given solution. And thanks about the back, I'm working through it. I'll figure it out.
No VG - 227 days, journaling - let's go for another 7 days, no sports news - 42 days, NF - 7 days!!!, SOB - 8 days, NNO59 - 14 days!!!, No Internet after 1030 - 14 days
Geez I'm beat. Was at work for nearly twelve hours today and I had therapy afterwards. And I had to cook dinner. And I need to do dishes. Bleh.
Main topic at therapy today was how I look towards others for my self-worth and self-esteem rather than...well...myself. Thinking about it some more, I don't think that finding validation in external things is necessarily bad. It's feedback of sorts and it's important. I think it's a problem when too much identity and self-esteem is rooted in other interactions with people. There's a spectrum between being reliant on others to feel good, to being a grounded and integrated person, to not caring so much about others that one becomes anti-social. In my case, I think I'm going to attack this from both ends (doing things that provides validation, and becoming more comfortable with myself) and hope at least one of the two works.
New habit is going to be no internet after 1030 (originally said 10 to my therapist, and then I panicked after I walked out, haha.) The exceptions to this will be work, and music/podcasts from my phone. That's it. This will help continue to get me to bed earlier, which will get me more sleep, which will make me more stable, which will make me more able to handle life's problems, which will raise my self-esteem. I've done much better this year with respect to this anyway. When I got back to Game Quitters, I was probably staying up to 2 on a work night at least once every week to two weeks. During this past streak, I've very seldom done so, maybe once every few months. Right now my bed time is more around 1130-12, rather than 1030 like it should be. I'm shorting myself a few hours every day which leaves me functional during the week, but really tired come Friday.
Finally, my back is in a lot of pain now. I'm going to do some more research, stretch, and then go to bed. Forget dishes.
no man , i have got your ideas and what u mean , do not worry
i did not mean that ,
You have committed several mistakes in your last post, but I will forgive you and will not reply to you because this community for game quitters place not for debates like this.
As you mentioned earlier, everyone chooses his destiny in his hand, and I do not force you to do anything, I have just quoted some sentences so you know that I have read your entire previous post. not because i wanna go with longer conversations .
anyway GOD bless and guide you
God bless this community
I don't really think that you are getting the point here, bud.
Not all people do what their parents tell them to, not all of them stop doing it at 18 and 18 is a random age at best. I started making my own choices ages before that. I feel like you generalize rather quickly. Sadly something that solidifies my prejudice towards religious people.
What is the new global system? Who are they? Or what is it? What do they do or want? And I said religious people or blind faith freaks me out. Not muslims specifically. I have met creepy Christians, Evangelistic particle physicists, ... I am not saying I do not like your religion or you. I am saying that all blind faith is bad, no matter what imaginary entity, god or prophet wrote the book.
It's a bit presumptuous to assume I look at your religion and see all those bad things. You don't know me, what I think or feel. Assuming you do, is falling into the same trap that those people who make snap decisions about you. Can you see the irony? I feel like you have a couple of itchy trigger fingers when it comes to this. But I can understand that. Hell, I am a white cis-male. In terms of privilege I have nothing to complain about. I can imagine it can be extremely hard for any outspoken Muslim nowadays. And I certainly agree with that the media tends to tell the story in a certain way.
But none of that was at all what I was talking about. You kind of dragged it into the conversation. Why? I mean, you don't have to be a Muslim to find the Islam poetry moving. It you don't have to be a Catholic to be able to listen to a sermon. It's not all black and white.
Why do you think I would find answers at a mosque? Or any building of faith for that matter? There are simply just questions without answers. Not only is that okay and just one of life's things. It is a scary and arrogant thing to claim that beyond all contradictions, there ís a place with those answers. No, there most likely is not. Because there are thousands of those. All of them want your time, your money, your voice or your mind to control. That is why I do not like blind faith religious people. They like to think they have it all figured out, as if they are some kind of untouchable. But nobody can have a monopoly on what is true because the meaning of life is whatever you choose it to be. And if it isn't, well then none of this matters anyway XD
Who told you we need others to judge ourselves? And what the hell does a professional who does that even look like? At school we get grades, sure. But that is not judgement. How well you can remember historic dates or reproduce mathematical concepts or avoid bad spelling has nothing to do with your moral compass or your self-esteem. Nobody can judge you but yourself because nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes, all the time. That is how we learn. You are the only one who can judge yourself because you are the only one who truly knows yourself. We are not telepaths. Others cannot look into our hearts like that. It is an extremely unhealthy lifestyle to try and please others that do judge you. More often than not, those kinds of people are toxic. The type that would get pleasure out of others misery. I don't judge others or at least try not to. It is wrong. But I still do it obviously. To err means I am human.
And what do you mean by solely noting that that one viewpoint of mine does not conflict with your religion? What if it did? Would you look at my choices differently? Would I become more inferior? Is that not judging me then and therefore a tad hypocritical? Or are you agreeing? Because I would rather you then say that what you believe coincides with what I believe to be important. Harshly put, I do not care about what your religion thinks is important, I care about what you yourself think. Not what some system of faith had told you what is right or wrong, but what you learned yourself from simply living life. I can get the former from a book around the corner. The latter cannot be measured in value.
Please tell me that you don't believe we are all born good. What about sociopaths and psychopaths? They are differently wired in their brain than you or I. And they only do what they think is right, even if it is killing or worse, in their view nothing is wrong. So either they are aliens from another planet or it means that a moral compass is malleable and relative to the person using it. There is no 1 big truth out ther. And what about somebody born with a defect in their brain? Some kind of aggression disorder. They instantly start fighting from the moment they can breathe. Are those born good in your definition then? Can you see the holes in the concept your trying to uphold?
Why would I have to visit a mosque? There is nothing wrong with asking these things. And why specifically a mosque for that matter? Why not a church, synagogue or temple? I tend to steer clear of deeply religious people because of how blind they are. They never have any concrete answers but yet remain evangelical about how amazing they all feel it is. You know what organizations use a similar indoctrination tactic? Cults. I have always felt talking with deeply religious people feels similar to conversing with cult members.
It's like that story from Indian lore about the frog and the well. A farmer gets a bucket of water from his well and sees a frog swimming in the water below. He catches him using the bucket and sets it free. The frog asks the man who he is. The man replies his name is Jack and that this is his farm. The frog is amazed and asks if that is what he calls this awestriking world, 'farm'. "No, no. This is not another world. You were just in the well on my farm." The frog cannot fathom it and holds tightly to what he thinks is true. "No! This is another world! I have swam to the corners. I have been North, South, East and West. I have never seen anything like this ever in my world, so this must be a different world."
And for the love of all we hold dear, use a spell checker or something when you talk to people online. You can clearly use upper case letters when you type out "PEACE" every single time. It would not hurt you to use proper punctuation if you don't want to come across like some kind of raving madman. Using religious exclamations at the end of each post does not give you some kind of hall pass to not have to use proper language.
You are right and I really appreciate what you're saying. I think I'm slightly over thinking this whole thing. I know it's an oxymoron what I just wrote, but I think I'm reacting to the sadness and exhaustion I'm feeling.
I've allowed myself to reminisce over moments in this apartment that I've shared with my roommates over the years. I was here for 3 years with the same roommates. I never really got over the fact that I had to leave and move on. I had some of my best video game memories here, best parties ever where I hosted over 70 people over 15 times, fun nights with friends just telling jokes, etc. Now it is empty. I never dealt with the pain and repercussions of both our friendships falling apart. I kind of just angrily wrote them off as I left. Now I have time to think and thinking has hurt.
I'm deciding to just treat this like a relationship breakup. I had good times, but I had more bad times than good in the last half of the time together where I was treated unfairly and was upset most days and nights. I can look down the hall and remember seeing my roommate playing RuneScape and laughing out and smoking his vape pen. I walk around the corner and see my other roommate playing Overwatch and yelling at people online.
It was just nice being around people who were enjoying themselves and I was honestly a huge player on both of those games to where I was excited to talk to both of them about it. Things took an angry turn when I quit games. Conversations stopped almost entirely after 4 months of quitting the first time back in April of 2018. We stopped talking entirely in May 2018 until November 2018. In November I found that letter from my other roommate's mom saying she'd help him find jobs so he can leave. I just felt like I wasn't either of their friends and it hurt my feelings.
But I can't get upset over that. I get upset about it because I cherish friendships and relationships. Although I'm socially popular, personally I don't let people in. When I do it's a very deep connection I feel and it hurts.
Ruminating thoughts are weights that hold us down when we have enough balloons to float somewhere better.
Now that I've thought about this:
I'm in a beautiful home without the risk of getting robbed or killed in my parking lot. Two people died where I lived in the 5 months I lived there. The commute now is 6 minutes each way instead of 45 minutes. I have 3,000 sq ft of space instead of 998 sq ft. I live on a lake with a deck I can relax on and a large yard instead of a parking lot with no outdoor space. I'm in a 15 minute radius drive of all of my close friends, yoga studio, rock climbing gym, my favorite restaurants, golf courses, tennis courts, outdoor trails, parks, etc. I love this area. I can finally breathe here and relax. I feel like I'm at home.
I was angry because I had to move 3 times this year and that my friendships didn't work out. I'm moving in the right direction because of my will and hope, my belief, and my support from friends, family, and community here.
Thank you and sorry for posting a lot recently. I've been rather volatile and desperate.