Day 83 15.06.19
Gratitude journal Today I am grateful for refreshed like always after an exam.
Today I am grateful for the great weather I could enjoy in full strides today.
One amazing thing that happened/I did today
1) did sleep really bad and short before the exam but now I have so many action plans against such short time problems that I knew exactly what I had to do
2) had a crazy gym session we went there for a short training in the evening and just did not stop it felt so great to pulverise your own training records^^
2,5h in gym (it was humid, it was hardcore and nobody wanted to stop training ^^)
more than 24k steps
23min in the morning
Visualisation and daily affirmation
a bit of visualisation today and affirmation to fight against the sleepiness in the morning
Reading (4+hours of studying for the next exam today)
the day was packed the time for spanish will be tomorrow , studied for between around 3 hours before the exam and prepared a bit afterwards for the next one
my wake-up time
between 5 and 6 o'clock (the humidity and heat results in my personal sleeping horror so far this year)
Weekly Goal(s) start waking up at 6:30am again, study at between 5 and 8hours per day, have at least 2 perfect days in a row, get my weight under 80kg, write a great exam!
Monthly Goal to study at least 4 hours a day (or as average over the weeks), be more grateful for everything in life, find the joy of living in the moment, think hard about my values and what kind of person I want to be, find ways to avoid falling back to old habits in times of boredom 3 Month Goal getting my degree or getting it nearly done so that at least at the end of July I have it in my hands, having a really productive life, living my life so that I am proud of it What went well today: (NF:0/NW:0/NS:4)
studied a bit before the exam, wrote my exam rewarded myself with a great lunch and a great beer afterwards did a lot of miscelaneous small tasks I had no time so far this week and had a crazy gym sessions (I think I had a completely different mindset namely giving my fullest with every excersice there today and it felt fantastic)
What I could have done to make my day better
maybe I could have started already with studying for the next exam and doing a bit spanish and Tai-chi I promised myself yesterday but today I just enjoyed the day and was satisfied with myself^^
What I will do differently tomorrow/What I have planned for tomorrow:
sleep till my body says it is enough, try to meditate for 30min, do some spanish and tai-chi, go to the gym again, start studying for the next exam a few hours to get a feeling what to learn
Weekly summary, thoughts and improvements for the future
I was telling myself that I was gonna stop, that it was over and that it was getting in the way of what matters most. yesterday i played everquest for 12 hours
I would tell myself the exact same things ive been telling myself for years. I just cant enact it. And i accomplish JUST enough to feel that i can skate by and that it doesnt really matter if i waste all my time. Sad.
An update of some sort?
I think I went back to gaming a day after my previous post, and I've been playing PoE nearly every day since then. Can't say I didn't enjoy it. Nearly every day, because once or twice a week I have a day where I feel so down that I don't want to get off my bed, take care of myself, my appetite goes down... Then I don't even log in. But other than that, in my free time I either play or browse shit on my phone. Still not hanging out with anyone or going anywhere on my own.
The smell of a summer evening is awesome, wow.
Why am I writing? I... feel lost. Have been feeling lost. No interest in exploring new things, meeting people has been a chore lately... What's left for me to do? Once I finish highschool, what will I do with myself? Probably not play for a living. But nothing else interests me. Would I quit now? No, my motivation is not here.
Really, nothing I ever do will matter in the end. For some people that means freedom, for me only more misery. I mean, it's not the end yet, but this doesn't make me feel better. Is feeling good the only goal for me? And I don't even achieve that. I don't remember how it feels to be fulfilled.
Another stupid thing that was bothering me when I was posting is my ratio of reputation to posts. It's around 1:4, which I was finding low. Yea, another dick size contest, whoever has the most reputation wins, I must have better rep. But I found it hard to post on other people's journals, because I couldn't relate to them much, and I'm not good at giving support. Does that make me a less worthy member, since I'm not supporting others well enough? Am I too selfish to deserve help?
Summer vacation is about to start, so for me it's yet again two months of isolation. I take it. I'm not even motivated to make some money in that time.
I've been thinking about visiting a psychiatrist/psychologist, but only on "those" days, because the next day I'm usually better and I forget everything. Or when I feel down for a few days in a row, I try to endure/I don't have enough motivation to seek some help.
Random people from internet who say "Whoever is reading this, I hope you have a nice day" or "I care for you, even though I don't know you" don't cut it for me. I don't believe them. My self esteem is still in the dumpster, my cognitive abilities are definitely lowered.
So yea, that's my update/cry for help. I don't know how much longer I can stand being in this state.
I do, 29 years old. I play professionally but still have been in the grasp of gaming addiction for the entirety of my life. I resolve to quit constantly, get angry at it potentially holding me back etc. A lot of times, out of guilt, i would forcfily combine games and practice, like only playing games that required little interaction so i could practice the whole time. Everquest, Rimworld etc. This isnt an effective method tho and leads to unhappiness. I have spent nights playing for NATIONAL acts, millions of followers. I would go home and fucking play everquest till 5 am. It makes no sense.
Heres my most recent production https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=grand+visions+featuring+kehinde&view=detail&mid=853F515E74E92FF5D0A7853F515E74E92FF5D0A7&FORM=VIRE
I just want to have the life i see all these other artists on instagram getting. They travel, get endorsed, get to tour, get to make real memories on the road. And im at home going "fuck it, no one will ever care abt my music,im gonna level my SK and forget the world"
its hard man. I still dont believe the world will give me a shot even tho im good. They just dont care. Being an artist stop being novel forever ago, unless youre some hollywood created machination like eilish or grande or whatever with PREFABRICATED bullshit song titles that hook into todays youth like "wish you were gay" and all this other awful shit, grandes song etc all about how "next" and "i want it i got it" culture... makes me SICK. No one gives a FUCK about my original music. All they wanna see if fucking american idol and the voice and theyre all obsessed with hollywood and being famous, its the worst. I hate vapidity, i hate the industry that this BEAUTIFUL instrument is tied to inextricably. And i am FORCED to take part in this charade,this fame game. This numbers game. Followers, likes, shares, verification. it makes me want to kill myself. Watch that video, am I not good, am i not at least worthy to travel and play music and continue honing my skills? i have been denied every time for verification. I Know i could hit the road tomorrow and do such a great job, be a great touring artist. but the world WONT give me reciprocation. I get barely anything back. I scratch a living out doing street performing and playing in unknown restaurants and bars. No one cars and no one ever will it seems, regardless of my mastery or skill.
may as well just give the fuck up and play EQ , tis been years of this struggle. I identify 100% that I game because i want to escape this reality. The reality where i've been DENIED by the keyholders, The platform owners. The people that with a stroke of a key, and a stupid little blue verrify badge, can choose to either send you on a life long career of fulfillment, or deny you and you flounder in obscurity forever. Its like a big brother saying "kid, youre not good enough, youre not ready" when i KNOW that i am. I wouldnt be able to go out on the street and walk away with a PILE of cash and business cards if i wasnt good. Kills me man. Fuck everything.
Edit: sorry if this comes off really angry but its just the truth and I cant lie abt it. I hate so much of it. its why i crumple in on myself and just play video games. its so aggravating releasing something GOOD, like legitimately good. and just getting NOTHING back. Whats the point? all the views, all the comments/reactiosn w/e, i had to promote and pay for ALL of that basically. if i had posted with no promo ($$$) it would have been crickets.
no one cares, why would they. No one cares. Not even me anymore. And thats the real tragedy
Damit!!! i hate myself at times...... I was so sure i learned from my previous mistake.
3 weeks i made it with few urges..... searched for something work related on google.....fell over another news post..... a link.....ended up on a twitch stream for Elder scrolls online.... closed it down and got some dinner.
next morning i had played 9 hours of the damn game.... right back where i started. GRRRRRR...... and now its been daily for 2 weeks.
Why must i fail every time i'm close to a month, its like a i lag the energy to start doing something else for to long and end up dropping back to gaming again.