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Day 263 12.12.19   Gratitude journal   Today I am grateful for having a productive day. Today I am grateful for realising quite a few problems with myself during the day. One amazing thing that happened/I did today ------ Workout/run   more than 13k steps (restday)   Meditation   10min (first thing in the morning^^) Visualisation and daily affirmation did a bit of my affirmation and visualisation in the morning Reading (7.5hour(s) of studying for the next exam today)   studied more than 7.5h, listened around 2h to podcasts to relax and better myself, did my spanisch exercises my wake-up time 08:25 (and now my non existent sleeping rythm is broken ) Weekly Goal(s) get finally a fixed sleeping scedule, study/learn something everyday, have a perfect week and find healthy and productive ways to relax (now more important than ever since I am denying myself a lot of usual fun, relaxing activities) Monthly Goal to study/learn something everday,  be more grateful for everything in life, find the joy of living in the moment, think hard about my values and what kind of person I want to be, stay vegetarian or rarely eat meat, stay away from porn, anything related to games, webnovels and guilty pleassure fantasy books 3 Month Goal to finally getting my degree, avoid the comfort zone as much as possible and try to get 90 days of no webnovels, sweets and porn done! What went well today: (NP:5/NW:0/NS:0/NM:1) did my meditation and my usual spanish session, studied my planned amount and went to university, cleaned my working desk finally^^ What I could have done to make my day better: could have done more Tai-Chi exercises and What I will do differently tomorrow/What I have planned for tomorrow:   wake up before 8, study at least 7h, go to university, do a longar home workout in the morning   Weekly summary, thoughts and improvements for the future since I realised that maybe I will not have enough time to be well prepared for the exam next week so that I will pass it for sure I am thinking about postponing for quite a few timmes a day and I am completely unsure of myself 😞 because the next date for it would be in febuary and that would mean my degree I planned to have in october would be only possible in the beginning of march and that is throwing me in an emotional rollercoaster because it would be already my second try for this particular exam (the first one I threw away in my addicitive times) but the more I learn (I have time this saturday to decide if I want to try the exam) the more I realise how unprepared I am 😞 so I have no idea want to do but at least for tomorrow I will still study and than decide😫

Day 236: About 15 minutes later after the first alarm. I slept over at my parents again, because the logistics would work out better for today. In the morning, mom and I went to take our plum ferment to the distillery. I returned to my dorms in the afternoon and I went to an event in the evening, organized by the students of psychology with a few guests they invited. There was a vast majority of women as well. I didn't know anyone there, so at first, I was at a bit of a loss and sheepish, as I thought I'd arrive on time to see the first presentation, but one of the guests had a delay, so I decided to join one of the groups to listen and talk to. The evening turned out well. I had a good talk with one of the guests and the students. They were even surprised I managed to find the event on my own as an "outsider". We managed to share opinions on addiction, teaching (English), attention, I even overheard someone talking about Russian as a language... I feel like I did a good job today, as well as a bit of networking. I'm happy my horizons have broadened enough, so that relating to people is way easier than it was before. No Ejaculation: 10 days

So today for the first time in my life I am giving serious consideration to the possibility that I need some sort of treatment for depression. I am currently having a particularly bad experience. I've started a depression log to figure out just how often this happens and I'm going to record specific things like when, what I was feeling, what I tried to self-treat it, how long it lasted, what ultimately caused it to stop, etc. As someone who has always been adamant that self-care and making life improvements is the best cure for this kind of stuff, admitting all this is depressing in and of itself. However, this feels like it happens often enough that I'm going to start paying more attention to it. For now I'll just keep track of things and seeing if that helps at all.

Day 84  I have one job possibility. With a nonprofit. There are only 7 people who work there and the environment seems very laid back.    Still waiting for word on the daycare.    I have been attending the kids holiday performances. Taking them outdoors.  Spending as much time as I can with them because when I start working I won’t be able to see them as much.   To the best I can to focus on my own life and what I can control.    Thank you for being here.  What was beautiful about my day my kids. My dog 

day 32 , no relapses , no bad thoghts . but no progressing either . I am currently in recession . just eating healthy and doing some sport . no other activities . God bless this community God bless and guide me PEACE