Full Detox Day 32/90 | Got up: Yes | Pomodoros: ??
Morning update: Got up again! BAM! What you got, blankets? WHATCHA GOT??
Oh no no, it's a very different kind. Too many people have it and are not aware though!
Thanks! I appreciate it. I'm not only working hard on my daily habits, hustle discipline, health and social contact, but I also got some external results, which don't necessarily always come, so I'm very happy about that.
Well I didn't quite stick to the promise of updating daily, but I am honestly finding that I just simply don't have the time on many days. So this is the next best thing, getting in a quick entry before work.
Day 44 So I managed to roll back into the 5am start from the weekend although this did leave me feeling tired , I went to work and got in for 7am but then I had a full on day. I was hoping to get to the gym before my counselling session however this did not happen so I had to go after, I didn't even see my front door until 9pm.
In my counselling session we discussed a lot, I think quitting games had allowed me that space to look inward and think about myself and why my self esteem is so shatteringly low and why I suffer anxiety over the smallest things. Reflecting back on my childhood I realised that I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother, let me be clear it's not nessesarily her fault , she was a victim of circumstance but ultimatly for me this is the route cause. I remeber as a child I would retreat into my room to play games to get away from criticism and being bullied, and this past correlates quite strongly with my issues in the present.
In order to change my future I need to reframe the past.
Day 45 I was up at 06:30 today, not a defeat strictly speaking as I realised that i'm burning the candles at both ends and this is nearly impossible to stop. I went into work to a numberof very positive emails from apresentation I did lat week. So just to provide some context, work is probably the place I feel most confident but I still feel there is a need for me to be more assertive when dealing with people. So I have been working on this recently, not easy when a lot of the people I deal with are senior managers.
I went to the gym after work and then I went round a work friends to have tea with him and his wife, it was really good, we talked a lot around what I was going through and their words and confidence in me is encouraging . I have felt a lot more confident in myself over the past few days, recognising and trying to address the core of my problem.
For the time being hobbies have gone to the way side. I am on holiday to Dublin next week and planning for that and planning to move house is taking up the remainder of my spare time. Once they are out of the way I will then have a look at picking something up.
It's almost 3am of a Wednesday, and I've stayed up until now because of FFXIV. I was able to stay away from it for almost 90 days until last Friday, but I hurt my arm and was feeling depressed, so I decided to play when, of course, not playing would have been way better for my arm to heal. I am in a weird situation regarding this game because a lot of close people that I've known irl for other reasons play it, even though they don't know each other, and I rarely can meet them because I've lived in another country for most of the time in the last few years, so playing it became a fun way to keep in contact with them. I rarely played anything before it, but the combination of loneliness + being interested in someone who turned out to be a heavy player + the pointlessness of my job made me basically start living my life in there. The game showed up in my life in a time I was vulnerable, and now I am having difficulties getting rid of it in great part because I want to spend more time with the people around me that play it.
Despite wanting that, unfortunately I've been addicted to the internet for a long time now, and playing games always strengthens it. When I'm not playing, however, I finally feel strong enough to get over it. After around a decade trying, I am finally finding a healthy path to deal with it, but there is no way for me to really become healthy if I spend so much time playing in front of a screen. And to be honest I don't even like the game that much -- I just keep on coming back to it to stay close to the people I love. However, what I've realized today is that I'm setting myself on fire to keep other people warm by doing this. During the 81 days of detox, I was able to start sleeping at the right time and having a better established routine, something I've struggled with since I was a teenager. During the detox I was on top of my obligations. I was finally starting to exercise and following a healthy diet, because I felt less anxious without the internet as a crutch. And, honestly, this is one of the points that bothers me the most about videogames: as much as people say they are not only for children, I feel pretty childish when I, who have just turned 26, spend so much time on my computer, in a fantasy land, putting my whole life aside just to reach some random goals that don't mean much to me. I should not, as an adult, spend my life playing and running away from life. I have almost 300 hours in FFXIV, which I've accumulated since January, and I'm not even halfway through it. I'd certainly have to spend at last 300 hours more just to reach my friends' level, when I could be using this time to learn so many things and invest in a new career. I do not want it. Thinking about these 300 hours I have spent is, at its best, very bittersweet. Mostly, it's just a time I wasted and of which I don't remember almost anything. I was just a zombie in front of my screen.
Thus, today I decided to stop playing once and for all and to take my internet use under control. I was about to reach 90 days, but I did not feel this time was enough for me to get rid of my addiction, so I want to establish another deadline: December 31st, 2019, and possibly longer, but let's get there first.
One thing I lacked during the detox were clear goals. I want to think about it in more detail today during the day, but the things I want to do instead of spending time online and gaming are:
* finding hobbies;
* reading ten books until the end of the year;
* exercising every day;
* losing ~30kg;
* visiting museums, going to the movies and to the theater and to libraries (I should make a list of all the places I want to visit).
The first steps I am going to take towards it are:
* defining a clear routine;
* blocking my computer outside of work hours and my cellphone at night.
I have already uninstalled all games and given my account to my wife, so there is no way back to it now.
Today, I will get up at 9am and exercise. If there is time left after work, I will exercise again. I will also follow the Keto diet regularly from now on.