It was the first day of the Spring semester today! (Although technically classes don't start until Thursday). Pretty productive day--signed out a library locker, had an instructor meeting for Immunology lab, and did a resume coaching session at the career center. My resume got ripped apart but at least I know what to do better for next time. Imo 30 minutes well spent ^__^"
Got an offer to teach a lab section of Bio 21 (freshman bio) for the upcoming semester and I am undecided as to whether I should do it or not. On one hand it would ensure that my whole tuition is covered, and I could really use the money...but on the other hand my schedule would be extremely saturated with all the commitments I'm doing. Decisions decisions...
I made some great discoveries in therapy today that I'll discuss.
Video games and porn allowed me to live in my insecurities and hide from challenges that would have made me more comfortable with myself and overcome my insecurities. These made me settle into not liking myself, hiding from dating, hiding from making friends, hiding from traveling, hiding from life.
I regret not going to parties and making more friends. I got invited, I was popular, but I got so embarrassed because I didn't like myself. I could not understand why or how someone would want to like me or spend time with me. It hurt my feelings almost when people wanted to see me because I hated myself so much and just couldn't face that hatred in the eyes and overcome it. It was agonizing. So I hid within games and porn.
I'm now trying to live life to make up for those losses. All I've ever wanted to do was go on fun adventures with my friends as a kid and love life and myself. I was so miserable and sad in my own head that I could never do it, but I was able to in video games. I could go anywhere and meet new friends.
I'm going to have to learn how to forgive myself for this pain I put myself through. I chose to hide, but I had reasons due to a difficult relationship with my dad and issues with my family. Also, an underlying anxiety issue with an extreme anger issue. This is going to be hard for me. The path to breaking through this will lead me to liking myself for once, letting myself finally live life, give myself some peace from my inner turmoil, and ground me a bit from being frantic.
I am also going to just do a few less hobbies and stop trying to do things in life to impress others. I think that is what got me thinking about my regrets. I just do stuff now in hopes to get attention and friends because I'm so upset over not having that fun as a kid because I'll never get it back. I'm so jealous and heartbroken that I secluded myself that I try so hard now to change. But I'm trying so hard that I'm not going anywhere.
The video games bring me the friends, acceptance, and the comfort of not trying to overcome my fears. The porn brings me any woman I want without trying. They also give me immediate rewards instead of working hard. I've been addicted to games and porn since I was 14. I'm 28 now. I'm learning how to explore life again. Right when I turned 14 this whole thing started.
I also learned that my serotonin levels are low because the rewards circuits from gaming and porn drained them. My dopamine levels have been going nuts trying to push me towards the addicting behaviors. It's important that I eat right, continue the gym, and sleep normal amounts so I can restore my body and mind.
Sorry for the long post and not talking to people as much. I've just been struggling heavily the past 3 weeks and am not doing well.
Hello everyone, its been a fair few days. I haven't posted because I was really tired out ofter last week. A mistake on my part in realizing how much work I had to do in a short amount of time culminated in an all-nighter last Friday. Basically I had homework due on Friday that was quite long and I also had less time than usual to do it. I went out on the weekends and got some sun. Been prepping for next week which will have my first test.
I'm still trying to meet new people/study partners. I met this one guy who said he was part of a study group but I couldn't find him after that one day. Got 1 of 3 tests for Algebra on Friday which I'm pretty nervous about. I feel like I'm not really satisfying the 4 voids (measureable growth, escape, social, purpose) that games used to give me. I'm just relying on willpower and maybe my desire to play games is hibernating I'm not sure. Still haven't played games.