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About Ikar

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  1. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 831: I did some paperwork, had English classes, went to the gym, watched a film and had a social evening. Day 832: I checked out the NMMNG forums after a long time, wrote here, did my (monthly?) financial checkup, worked out at the gym, watched two films, went to the shop, went for a walk and cleaned my car. Day 833: I worked on fixing my bike, cleaned my room, washed the dishes and visited my family. Day 834: I drove my car to the mechanic, cycled back home, had an English class, sent an email to my Erasmus coordinator, sent an email to a martial art group I'd like to join, sent out mails to get some job interviews in language companies and had a social evening with a friend. Day 835: Today - TBA. --- I checked on the financial news and my financial status and everything seems to be going swimmingly. For several months I've been regularly able to save over 50% of my income and I'm sitting almost at a double of what I had at the beginning of the year. This is mainly due to the fact I started having more English classes. Most of my money is in global ETFs, plus a few months' expenses on my savings account in case something goes wrong. Not to slack, yesterday I sent out about 15 emails to language schools, companies etc. to ask for interviews. I'm currently working for two companies, but it doesn't hurt to look around to see if there's more/better opportunities to look for before the start of the regular school year in September. I've sent out dozens, if not hundreds, of emails asking for a job interview and I've been to dozens job interviews and out of all these interviews actually only a few of them resulted in contracts. An interesting comparison is that I've been to more job interviews than dates in my life. It's a statistic. I brought my car to the mechanic, but my bike is in need of a mechanic as well. It's kind of an odd situation, but I hope I will get my car back soon, so that I can I have at least one of my transports operational. I'm gonna check out a BJJ training in my area in the upcoming days, maybe resulting in a new hobby for me.
  2. @new_life.trying For some people, nothing is more exciting in life than getting shit on during sex by someone they trust. People are weird and everything depends on our perception. Try doing new things with some consistency and see what floats your boat more than games. Checklist: Do you have a job? Do you study? Do you eat well? Do you exercise regularly in some way? Do you have good relationships with family, friends or partner? Do you spend your free time in (at least) a non-self-destructive way? I consider the above the bare minimum for life. I would say these areas are mostly mundane, though I think I can spend 100% of my total time on these things and be happy with my life.
  3. I think @WorkInProgresshas a good point. What makes you think that you are not handsome already? I think what makes me ask this question is that I never doubt myself on this front. I've always been thin or fit. I can sometimes appreciate looking at myself at the gym's mirror though! Do you have a great desire to be desired? To be taken care of? To be complimented? I think the greatest compliment I give to people is being with them - my presence, spending time and doing things with them. I'm not used to using words too much. I remember I was staggered the first time I was called "beautiful" by a girl I spent a few months with. While I have a few specific natural features on my body, I think they actually make me more interesting. In the end, no matter what we do, the physical part of us can't win the race against the time. I think this is a pretty good observation/explanation that I've never had laid down before me yet from the gay side of things, though it obviously makes a lot of sense.
  4. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 827: I had an English class, worked out at the gym, went for sushi with my brother and had a social evening. Day 828: I had an English classes and we visited a friend's cottage with a few friends. Day 829: I had English classes and a social evening. Day 830: I had English classes, worked out at the gym, fixed up my bike and went to an English speaking event in the evening. Day 831: Today - TBA. --- The sushi with my brother was good. He said it was the best sushi restaurant he has ever visited and it was my first sushi too. I think it would be great if we met 1-on-1 every month or so. I've been tentatively looking around for new (old) hobbies, namely marksmanship and martial arts. I decided to let go of the regular philosophy courses, as I felt they were not bringing me enough interest and joy as they did before. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for films. The good ones, and the bad ones, because they remind me of the good ones.
  5. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I guess the case can be that if we are not always doing something "productive", then the future is going to be "worse". There are however activities that we can enjoy that take work as well though. For example, I enjoy working out or creating spreadsheets. There are also results that can't be calculated, for example because I am doing a new activity or the activity I am doing can't be measured well (e.g. going to a social event to make friends or to find dates). I think it can definitely be of great help, although as with everything, I think it works to the extent we want it to. In my case, I combine journaling with post-scheduling - in my Google calendar I put things that I have already done rather than what am I going to do, so I know what I did the week three months ago and compare it to these days.
  6. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Hey Amphibian! I guess "having results" is as much as about having failures and having successes at the same time. I fell into the pit of having an awesome character and identity when I was gaming - thinking I was pure by not doing drugs (drinking), not having casual sex or by not lying. In fact, I was full of shit. I was not drinking, because I had no friends I could drink with (and having "drinking friends" is a pretty low bar already). I was not having casual sex, because I was horrible with women and couldn't have sex with anyone in the first place. I was not lying directly in speech, because my actions lied for me (Peterson had an interesting observation on how most lies are not told, but acted out instead). So in the end, when I am trying to get to know someone, I give them a my attention to see if they do what they say they do. Starting out the day by nailing the most difficult thing first is a sound strategy!
  7. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 823: I had English classes, wrote here, went for a walk and had a social evening. Day 824: I worked out at the gym, had an English class, finished my monthly report, watched "The Man from Acapulco", washed the dishes and met up with a friend in the evening. Day 825: I visited my family and met up with a friend in the evening. Day 826: I watched two films, worked out at the gym, went for a run, researched some resources for my (master's) thesis and had a social evening.
  8. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I'm using the template I used the last time. 09/06/20 - 23/07/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period. --- Active writing (blog/writings/journal): L: I finished the thesis and wrote here regularly. T: About three weeks ago I wrote a few short texts here. I also attempted to write a start of my new blog post at the weekend. Future goals/direction: Finish Past Authoring and the whole course. Write on my blog. Keep writing in my diary here twice a week. Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book. Books/Reading articles: L: I spent most of my time reading the uni materials for the final exams. I got through some newsletters and didn't pick up a new book, I'll see what picks up my interest in the future. T: My inbox is clear and I have read the first two books of "Warrior Kid" series by Willink. They're pretty simple, straightforward and believable. Future goals/direction: Continue getting through the newsletters. Read first two books of "Warrior Kid" series by Willink. Family: L: I plan to talk to all my family members in a private (separate) manner this month and... share my thoughts with them and have a bit closer relationship with them? The Spanish girl encouraged me to do it, after I told her about my relationship with my family. It's not that it's horrible, but I feel it is somewhat distant and that most of my friends have closer ties with their family members, even if not with all of them. I already expressed myself to mom. I talked with my brother separately, though not about the "deep stuff". Relationships and sex were non-existent topics in my family, so it's difficult for me to initiate in this regard. I talked a bit to my father about the topic of relationships and women. I'm gonna talk to my brother this weekend; I didn't see him the last one. I told my grandma a few details about the Spanish girl since my grandma asked. T: My father helped me with a few things regarding the car and I am going to get sushi with my brother the next week. Future goals/direction: Talk to my family members separately. University: L: I finished my final exams. I plan to continue studying to get my masters' degree. I don't need to worry about the university for at least three months now. T: I meet fellow students here and there, although I am not studying at all at the moment. Future goals/direction: Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis. Exercise/movement: L: I played football, went for walks and worked out at the gym. I am currently doing some exercise every other day, mostly going to the gym. T: I've been keeping up with the movement quite well, despite the fact gym was opened and closed about the same time. Future goals/direction: Martial art research. Work out twice/thrice a week. Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise). Social: L: I started going to the Monday philosophy courses again. I'm predominantly social during the evenings with the people from the dorms, so I want to diversify my social groups more now that the CV restrictions are going away. T: I started visiting more social groups that I used to visit in the past. I met with my geography group, English speaking evening group and others. Future goals/direction: - English: L: My current workload is around the same number. The work's been going well, in fact, I am hardly ever stressed by it, especially if I do some planning before the lessons. T: I have a few lessons less, but it's still nearly 20 hours of classes in July/August. Future goals/direction: I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email. (do in August) I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor. I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. Women/dating: L: T: There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life. That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening. I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer. Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone. To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this. Future goals/direction: - Additional activities: Personal finance: I've gone from actively spending time on this topic to more passive scanning. Chess: I still do a bit of chess every now and then, but not as often as before. Marksmanship: I've been having thoughts about returning to this hobby. Films: I have watched several films in the last month. ----- Masturbation - reminder: L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process. This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over. T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area. Meditation: L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore. T: - Gratitude: L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues. T: - --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude: I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had March/April 2019, because it could be deadly. I gained the ability to plan after I quit games. Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before. I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now. I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one. I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming. Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received. I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say. I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about. I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life. I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE. It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.
  9. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 817: I went to the car service with my car, had an English lesson, wrote here, talked to a friend, washed the dishes and had a social evening with my geography group. Day 818: I visited my family, packed things for the trip and had a social evening. Day 819-821: I was on the hiking trip. Day 822: I went to my mechanic with the car and I had English classes. Day 823: Today - TBA. --- It seems that my car will be operational for the next two years, which is good news. I haven't been using it as much as I would expect the last year, but it doesn't cost that much to own either. The trip to the mountains for a few days was exhausting, but also pretty great. We were three and while we met other people, the mountains were empty for the most part. --- I'm getting somewhat worried about the fact the CV vaccine seems to be becoming the sole ticket to "normal life". Some countries have already made restrictions for entrance conditioned by vaccination - which is in a way fine, because there are still a lot of countries that do not do that and traveling overall is not my cup of tea, though I'd argue most younger people feel stronger about this than I do. The majority of people I know mention traveling and convenience (no testing, forms etc.) as their main reasons to get vaccinated. It isn't compassion with others (as all the major risk groups already had the chance to get vaccinated anyway) or their own health. I never felt that my health is threatened by the virus; on the contrary, the gym/outdoor workout closures made it more difficult for me to stick to more sensible workout routine. I have also never left the dorms to isolate and to live with my parents again, as more social contact was one of the catalysts as to why I moved in fall 2019. As less than half of the population is vaccinated (while I believe most people had the chance to be fully vaccinated already), I'm going to be unhappy if the government decides to make the CV tests fully paid by citizens (they plan that for September), if we continue to be required to be either vaccinated or tested to go abroad, to the restaurant or even to go work etc. I think it's fairly dangerous to disregard the opinion of half the people living in the country and to make their lives increasingly difficult by pushing them via additional restrictions into the "second grade citizen" status or to force them this way to get vaccinated. I wish there were less demagogues and more dialogue to reduce the division/polarization between people.
  10. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 807: I worked out, did the laundry and dishes, watched a romantic film, wrote here, read the "Warrior Kid" book, had English classes and watched football. Day 808: I had an English class, worked out, read the "Warrior Kid" book, watched a dramatic film and had a social evening. Day 809: I had English classes, rode the bike and had a social evening. Day 810: I had an English class, washed the dishes, shopped for food and went to the cottage. Day 811: We hiked and played football. Day 812: I returned from the cottage and visited my family. Day 813: I had an English class, went for a walk, watched a comedy and went to bowling in the evening. Day 814: I had English classes, robe the bike and talked to a friend. Day 815: I planned for a trip, had English classes, rode the bike and had a social evening. Day 816: I had English classes, finished planning for the trip and had a social evening. Day 817: Today - TBA. --- I found out that I am probably not the type to watch romantic films. However, I watched one pretty great chilling drama named "Ondskan". I spent 810-812 with my high-school classmates in the mountains. I had some good conversations and it was interesting to find out what was new in the lives of others. I had sex after the bowling event with a girl I know for over a year and we meet quite often. She is going for Erasmus the next semester and I'm going the one after that, so I don't find it very likely we'll meet this often in the long-term future. I had a sleepless night, as I started having sore throat yesterday and today. I hope it gets better before the trip.
  11. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 803: I had my bachelor's promotion, watched some football and had a social evening. Day 804: I went for a walk, watched an old Czech film "Atentát", wrote a bit, watched "Rambo I", talked to a friend and had a social evening. Day 805: I watched a film, cleaned my room, watched a podcast with Willink and Peterson and worked out in the evening. Day 806: I went for a walk, visited my family and did some work on my car. Day 807: Today - TBA. I've been crushing it though. --- The official promotion was fine. My grandma and parents asked me whether I know this guy and this girl and that she looks nice... it was funny. We talked and had pizza afterwards. My brother wrote after he'd go to get sushi with me someday too. I was surprised that Rambo (at least the first film) has such a great psychological dimension. He didn't actually kill anyone in the film (I've read it's much different in the book!). The film is obviously about war/fight, but it's not a bloodshed. Sunday was not too good for me in the morning and afternoon, but I got myself together after talking to a friend. The issue was mostly that I was bored and having little to do these days, as I seem to be the happiest when I am constantly doing something. I took June easy after having a lot of work since the first half of the year was more busy (more English classes, Spanish girl, university studies). Now it's time to get back at it. Working out, writing, English classes, reading, social hobbies... I worked out three times the past week (walked the rest), read "Way of the Warrior Kid" by Willink and I'm looking to get actively involved with women again/start dating. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for being able to improve.
  12. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 799: I worked out, watched a great comedy film, washed the dishes, had an English class, watched football and had a social evening. Day 800: I had English classes, watched a sports film named "Dangal", watched football, went for a walk and had a social evening. Day 801: I had English classes, went for a walk, watched a tragicomedy, got through some work emails and had a social evening. Day 802: I had English classes, read about finance, worked out, watched "Payback" with Mel Gibson. I'll see about the evening.
  13. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 796: I had English classes, listened to new music, prepared evaluations for my students and watched "21 grams" in the evening. Day 797: I prepared plans and evaluations for my students, watched "Last of the Mohicans", went for a walk and met with friends outside randomly. Day 798: I shopped for new shoes, visited my family, watched football and chatted with a friend in the evening. Day 799: Today - TBA. --- Pretty slow couple of days. I decided to work out (or move) every day for the next three months. I have a ton of time and I need to use it sensibly. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for the things I decided to take responsibility for.
  14. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 793: I had English classes, worked out at the gym, visited the philosophy course and had a social evening. Day 794: I watched "Gran Torino", had English lessons and watched football in the evening. Day 795: I had English classes, worked out, watched a comedy film and went out with friends at night. Day 796: I had English classes, watched "Battle of Algiers", went for a walk and sorted out a few documents and wrote this. --- So I've been progressing on my things in a lenient pace, or at least that's what I think. I still have roughly 20 hours of work a week, I go to the gym, for walks, outside in the evening, I visit my family, I watch films... Regardless of that, I still sometimes feel lost, that I am not doing enough compared to what I was doing for the past half a year while working on my university duties. A lot of the places I used to visit in autumn aren't open and the martial art courses I'd like to visit are gonna start in September. I need to learn to live with myself more often now! As for the "recent" girl, I understand we're not looking for the same thing, even though I think we were attracted to one another at some point. I decided to take her for her word when she said she's not looking for anything serious at the moment. Plus while I think she has her overall priorities reasonably organized, it's impossible to plan something ahead of time with her. It's part of knowing myself and creating relationships that I want, that make me happy. Interestingly enough, one of my newer students a few hours ago said I am fairly sensible and responsible for a guy who is 23. She's actually born on the same day as I am, though more than 10 years older with two kids. I felt somewhat self-conscious after that, because I know there are things I have to work on in that regard. --- Gratitude: I am grateful that what I do makes people wonder and feel inspired.