Ikar

Day 205: I was teaching for 5 hours today, I also visited my grandma, so the day was fairly busy and exhausting. I pretty much relaxed in the evening, wrote a bit with friends and did Russian.

Day 204: I started watching Black Adder. It's quite fun and sometimes I have to look up words. I also read quite a bit of "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's intriguing and I feel like there are some overlaps of things I've came about after quitting games that I want to prioritize. I also wrote some feedback for classes of my teacher. I also feel calmer at the end of the day.

Happy birthday! I was going to write in more detail, but I think it's gonna be better if I share some interesting ideas/concepts I'm currently researching or figuring out myself: lack of sex/masturbation is not fatal - they're just tools for needs, attachment theory with 4 attachment types, always investing in yourself the most. Keep up the good work and keep on discovering internal contradictions in yourself.

This week was quite swingy. I basically received my first workplace rejection, but it seems like I will get more opportunities. I wrote and read more than usual. I feel nervous, I get chills, I sweat and I struggle more with staying in bed during the morning/masturbation. Despite that, I don't think the amount of work I did decreased in the last few days, but just I don't feel as self-assured as I was before. Things are going to get better if I ensure they get better.

I missed an entry yesterday, just because I journal as the last thing during the day and I happened to turn off the computer before I wrote an entry 😄 Day 202: Yesterday was interesting. I was at school, talked to a few new people and it seems like I might get just enough hours to teach English with my new contract. Day 203: I finished Gulag Archipelago volume I today. I spent a part of the afternoon on planning my schedule for the next week, as well as on some emails and paperwork. The play in the evening was a fine one as well, shame the series is over already.

Day 201: I got up a bit later, had my breakfast, read the book and wrote. I went shopping afterwards and went to an interview, hopefully getting me a few more hours of English teaching per week. I did a bit of research and I decided to get the paperwork done on Monday, so I can officially start my business teaching English. It's been 2 months since I got back from Iceland and I read about 500 pages from the first volume of Gulag Archipelago and I expect to finish it in the next few days.

Day 200: I got up quite late. I did my emails/paperwork, reading and went to visit my grandma for lunch and a long chat. I relaxed during the evening and just played Scrabble. It was a fine recovery day.

Most offers for English teaching I had to turn down, simply because it too often put me into a situation where I had to drive from my suburbs into the city center. It usually turned out to be an hour long drive by car and teaching for an hour and a half. The same goes for cultural, school, sport and other events. I want to be more around and with people. If I am not, it makes me miss my ex and streaming. I really had no issues streaming 50 hours a week for example. I think I can nail my increasing demand for both work and socialization/affiliation by moving to the dorms in the city center. The dorms on their own are fairly inexpensive, and although I would expect to spend more money on various events, I think it would balance out with increased income from teaching. I'm happy I can point my finger on my issues at this point. I'm visiting a uni psychologist the next week, mainly to see if I am something in my behavior completely unaware of, rather than having any urgent issues that would be driving me crazy. I think I got myself together pretty well. I read, I write, I study on a regular basis and my depressive bouts disappeared completely since I quit gaming/Twitch. Thanks for the support 🙂

Day 199: I had a strange day. The first half of it went like yesterday. Then I got a call, finding out my English teaching Wednesdays are getting canceled. I tried to shake it off immediately, but I couldn't find anything I would be interested in doing, while at the same time it being important to me. So, I take my productive half of the day, where I did all of my baseline stuff, let the night take care of the "problem" and turn it into an "opportunity". For one, it makes my potential plan for moving easier. A few days ago, I decided, after about half a year, to write a guy I know online since 2013, whom through the wonders of Internet, managed to find and write with my ex independently of me. He wrote me she had another relationship that ended and that she thinks she's incapable of loving anyone. I'm grateful to say I have the opposite opinion about myself. I think I have love to give and an appropriate toolkit to create sustainable relationships.

Day 198: I had an extremely productive day. I read, wrote, worked out, rode my bicycle, taught English and ran multiple other errands too. Naturally, I feel fairly tired after all this. I think that overall, I need to write more and read more. Today would be the perfect example of where I pulled that off majestically.

It's an interesting thing to realize that while quitting games is a huge step on its own, you also have to appreciate all the work that lead you to that point of quitting. I think it's the same as with appreciating the work that you do afterwards. 1% gradual change every day, forever.

Day 197: In the morning, I watched Joe Rogan's interview with Edward Snowden. It was almost a three hour interview, it felt like bit of a shame that I couldn't really discuss the matters they mentioned during the show. We went to a hockey match in the afternoon. I spent the evening reading about the "flow" state and writing with friends. I ran a few errands during the day.

Day 196: I had a good day today. I watched the rugby finals in the morning, got a little bit of work done on a uni homework and did a couple of smaller things during the day. In the evening, me and my mom went to another of the series of local plays.

It's basically more hours for teaching English, so I am curious about how that works out. Have a nice day as well! 🙂

Day 195: I was at school today, I also got a job offer and was outside a little bit too. It was a nice day and now I am thoroughly tired.