Ikar

Day 86: I had an odd day at work, it felt a bit weird after the weekend. A new worker arrived, so I spent some time with him, introducing him to the site. He seems like a cool dude, though he cannot speak a Slavic language. I felt a bit out of focus afterwards and that made it harder to meditate and pay attention. I still got some stuff done and fell asleep outside for an hour or so. Not a bad day all things considered.

I would even say there is no "reward" per se, generally just less pain, but it is true the beginnings are the toughest.

Day 85: I started the day off by waking up, and well, masturbating. It kind of snuck back into my days. I cannot feel good about doing it, unless I do it long and consciously. It feels like one of those things I want to actually plan. I will commit myself to a fap-free week and see what happens then. I had the day off, so I visited a sight in the morning and walked about 10 kilometers. In the afternoon, we went to a swimming pool, so it was nice to hang out there as well. I translated a bit of Icelandic and took a personality test. I read and thought a lot today again and threw in the occassional chore for variety. I am trying to conceptualize what do I want from my future romantic partner and even read an old post by @Ambassador here on the topic. Oddly enough, I keep coming up with lot of ideas that can be refined. I might be a bit too obsessive about it, but as long as I am not hopeless and depressed about it, I think it is alright. I am in a good mood.

Day 84: We worked only till lunch today and I cooked soup afterwars. Therefore that gave me a lot of time to read and think. I went outside for a good hour too. Lately, I had the thought I have been shirking the diary. Today, I will try to probe my thoughts in a monologue rather than a dialogue. I have had a few moments of anxiety today, but I snapped out of it fairly quickly, reminding myself of the fact that things can always be worse or by quickly thinking of something useful that could be done. I think that especially today, I was trying to doubt my beliefs, actions and motivations. Oddly enough, I felt bad afterwards, as I could not punch a hole in my beliefs successfully. Motivations and actions were easier to doubt though. This obviously concerned the reason I contacted my ex. I came to the conclusion that my May letter was too rash, riddled with unsoliticited advice, even if it was sent with good intentions and good ideas. My plan is to poke her a bit the next week (90 days done by that point too), if she thought about the letter (which is really something as my personal constitution nowadays), because I spent about two weeks writing it myself and she already replied that she got it. I will try to primarily establish trust with her, see what is up with her and decide what to do. I hope I learnt my lesson. The chat with the Hungarian girl with the awfully similar experience is ongoing as well. It has been fun writing with her thus far. I find this "dating/relationship" plan is good as any, because I still have at least 6 weeks of Iceland, basically without a chance to see a girl. If any of the two aforementioned are reading this by some chance, all I have to say is this: Related to helping and connecting people in general, I decided to send my brother a postcard for his birthday. The other one was to invite everyone reading this to send me a PM, whenever they feel down, up, neutral or think I am an idiot, because GQ is about the community!

Day 83: I realized I missed a day earlier when I arrived to Iceland scrolling through the previous page. I meditated after work, cleaned my room and thought and wrote. I felt good today, enjoying the progress of my challenges rather than caring about the end results.

Day 81: I was tired after work, so I spent about two hours showering, cooking and eating pasta. I meditated outside for a while and finalized my reply to ex, as I try to be concise in my speech/writing. I spend a lot of time thinking and writing these days, so I will try to chop it up a bit tomorrow with some cooking and cleaning of my room.

Day 80: There has been nothing special happening at work today, except the fact that I got to ride on a tractor. I have been writing and thinking basically the rest of the day. My ex wrote me in response to my letter. Trying to get feedback on my life experience from two women at the same time is a new situation for me, even if there are no plans to see any of them now. I have to be vigilant.

Day 79: I put the phone across the room and got up as planned and used it to have time for some more morning activities. As I thought, I got better at vaccinating. I give it my best shot, admit my mistakes and move on. I am somewhat grateful for the fact I can already act independently, take responsibility for my actions and put in some good work, even if I am doing this for just a week. We always start off badly and improve on the go. I have also experienced gratitude for being responsible for myself. After work, I went for a walk and zoned out for a while. I also read some articles, but I feel like I should act more on them after I am done reading them, so I will keep it in mind and not browse them during breaks at work. I am currently working on the response to the girl.

Day 78: I woke up on time, but did not manage to do anything than to just lay down again. I will try to be an SOB and put the phone across the room. I got to vaccinate piglets today which was somewhat stressful and difficult, as they screak very loudly and it is not easy to hold an animal with a few kilos still with just one hand. I somehow managed in the end and I will get better and faster the next time. The girl wrote, so I think I spent two hours thinking and writing to reply her back. There is a lot of ground to cover. I am happy to have the diary around too for evidence for myself that I am genuine and consistent about my beliefs and actions. After that, I took a walk and I am just finishing some translation.

Nicely done on 90! Sure enough you feel a bit better about your life now 🙂

Day 77: I woke up earlier, but all I managed to do was to hardly not fall asleep again. There is a lot of self-discipline involved in meditating as the first thing in the morning. We worked again in the morning and I was again mowing the grass and raking. After lunch, I went outside for about 3 hours, but I actually felt asleep outside for a bit. The weather is simply amazing here the last few days. I also translated a short Icelandic article, so I could understand it. The method I do it might be adjusted though. I also got bored the first time today since I arrived to Iceland. I got needy afterwards and realized the girl did not write today. Before I got too anxious, I took a shower, wrote a friend and thought that there are always some things to attend to I just did not think about. So I snapped out of it. More work ahead tomorrow and less free time to worry about. Voluntarily imposing external structure on myself is definitely better than rotting at home living off of welfare, that is for sure.

Day 76: I mowed the lawn in the morning as paid overtime, because there is too few of us to work. I went to for a shorter hike today, but I laid down for a while on the coast, as the weather is excellent and just relaxed for an hour. After that, I met some locals near their house and again had a very nice converasation with them. Iceland indeed seems to be a very communal country. After that, I had barbecue and some beer with my coworkers. It also has some comradery aspect to it. The nearest city is about 10 kilometers away. After all, if some of the guys here might be here together for years, it would not help if they were on each other's throats. I am also writing with one girl who claims, long story short, to have a similar past relationship with her ex as I had with mine with a similar ending. She seems self-aware about it too. It is both startling and exciting at the same time to be writing with her. Things to do every day in Iceland: Translate an Icelandic article from newspapers I got my hands on Wake up early enough every day to meditate, or at least try to Eat a veggie Read an article from Mark Manson's website Clean teeth It does not seem like much, but I think that is two hours of planned activity every day.

Day 75: I am tired as hell. After work, I realized if I had been a couch potato, I would fall asleep immediatelly, so I forced myself for a short hike and managed to meet some locals and talked to them for a bit. After that, I was reading for an hour or so. I will wake up earlier tomorrow to have some more time to think, perhaps to schedule.

Day 74: I am at the pig farm. There is about 8 of us, mostly Poles, with the houses next to the pighouses. We can generally understand each other after a bit of explaining, so that is good! Even though I am by myself and I just met a bunch of people, I am not afraid or anxious. I feel like I have developed a mindset of "What will be, will be." and learnt to take things as they come. I do not feel entitled to anything or expecting something to be X, or else. I think I enjoy the little things more. I will sleep in a bed after a week, even though I already got used to sleeping in a tent on an inflatable matress. I like taking a hot shower after doing some work. I like telling my friends over the internet about my crazy Icelandic adventure. I feel peaceful and meaningful. I am also a fair bit tired. I have been going through Mark Manson's website the past two days, so it is good to have some quality thought-stir around again. I will get a routine going for the next two months on the pig farm. Computer as the biggest distraction is gone for a week now and I want to continue that when I will get home again.

You will learn when you decide to learn. Life will kick in with stimuli for you to learn sooner or later anyway. My kick to quit gaming several hours a day was to discover the fact someone could dislike me on a whole new level I never imagined. Life is rough. Memory is a tool for avoiding stupid mistakes you experienced in the past, not a tool to remember facts. First one is emotional, second one rational, so I think the first one sticks better. Going from there, I know the pain of fragmented life too. I meet the same people on a weekly basis at best and this summer I decided to just blow everything up and work solo in Iceland. Some people stick and some do not. Some you find interesting and some you do not. It is natural. Choose your friends well and know why they are your friends, even if you see them a few times a year!