Jump to content
BooksandTrees

Dear Diary...

Recommended Posts

Hey, good job not masturbating for as long as you did. I think keeping the counter up helps. It's helped me a lot. Reading a little bit (like twenty minutes) on the nofap site helped too although I found the literature to be a slow read. In terms of getting fit. I think that's really good for you both health wise and for your self-esteem. Getting cut I think is possible if you just keep eating at a deficit and training. I just try to eat normally and workout, but I seem to be gaining some fat so I might continue training at a caloric deficit to get more cut. I think I'll do that in like another six weeks though. ttys

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@Ikar

Intentions really do define whether you get sexual stress or develop social skills with women.

If you are meeting to possibly become husband and wife, it does not stress you out looking her in the eyes and talking to her. You may just take a look at her body too and if she is dressed okay (nothing revealing) you are still okay because you know there are prospects for something greater to come along. 

But if you are just admiring women here and there, sexual stress is the only thing you are going to carry away (nothing in the way of social skills)

I believe that everyone who consciously wants to get into a relationship does not want to ever break up afterwards and hopes to live happily ever after. Results vary, because you can seek for a relationship after five shots of vodka or while walking down the street or while in a library or while being anywhere else and all of these options have their pros and cons.

Unless you meet in a very unlikely way, you will always have visual feedback on the woman get to your subconscious first and that will affect your behavior towards her, even before any of you say anything.

I'm not sure how do you define arousal, but I have a certain primary purpose for everything I do. If I go to the gym, I work out. If I go to the library, I borrow a book. If I have classes, I take notes and pay attention. If there's a nice looking girl at these places, cool, I can talk to her. But as @seriousjay put it, there is a difference between appreciating beauty and getting aroused, having an erection and imagining being sexual with the woman you are seeing in front of you right now. Appreciating beauty does not take your focus away, whereas you need to invest all of it if you are to do the second.

14 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@BooksandTrees

Do you think you will eliminate triggers if you reduce communication with women ?

Try it out for a week. If you start getting a clear head, good focus and a very good up-beat mood, then you may just continue.

You will find the woman of your life, but you have to be fit for that moment.

I know you met your wife in a very specific way and I'm extremely curious how do you interact with other women, if you suggest others to willingly reduce communication (how much?) with women for a week. As it's not related to the diary of @BooksandTrees , feel free to just PM me the reply.

16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think masturbation has strong stress release if done properly. I think gaming in moderation is impossible, but masturbation and orgasm release is important for the body and I intent on masturbating once per week. By that point your testosterone can't really flux past a certain point so you're just on edge all of the time in my opinion. I'll keep testing it, but I'm proud of myself for getting there.

I have read something similar and I think once a week seems ideal for me as well.

16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I also don't have the luxury of a spouse or girlfriend who can I have sex with, massage, kiss, flirt, feel, etc.

I can attest to that being single and dealing with my sexual and affectionate parts of my nature is more difficult than when I was in a relationship. I miss the emotional charge which came while expressing these towards one single person.

15 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

All of my closest friends are women. I'm not doing that. I think you're severely underestimating my ability to converse with women. I'm fine to meet women in public and often initiate conversations. Even at new hobbies and places like rock climbing, grocery stores, engineering societies, e.t.c I'm very social and get women's numbers. 

My superiors at work are women. The people working for me are women. I'm not going to stop talking to them. They're very important to me. 

It's from the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" I wrote about before, but how do you keep in touch with other men?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Ikar said:

It's from the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" I wrote about before, but how do you keep in touch with other men?

I still have good friends who are men. I go out for a beer with my male coworkers. We watch hockey together. We record my podcast together. We work on my cartoon together. The people I text the most are men. I rock climb with men as well.

They're not randoms either. They're either friends from work or college. 

I think I have good relationships with men and women. I'm just in a situation where I had two women destroy my grades in college so I never dated after 2010. Once I graduated in 2015 I was still doing my master's degree one class a semester until 2018. In 2019 I tried dating, but I had to study for this massive exam (the one this April) and decided they'd just distract me. I dated a girl for the month of August if you remember and just got too stressed by it. I went on dates with about 8 women in 2019 and connected with over 20.

I've always been an extremely sexual person. I love exploring sex and romance. It's the thing that brings me most happiness in life. Love comes with it as well, but I'm mostly highlighting sex and romance because of the porn issue.

I really think the only reason I haven't dated is because I know a woman, or women, I date will ruin my study habits. Even if they're not purposely ruining my study sessions, I'll be thinking about them constantly and wanting to be with them. I've proven this scenario before. I love the attention from a woman. I love affection. I love being affectionate and sincere to someone I'm dating. I want to sweep them off their feet or just relax with them and be together casually. I just want that partnership, love, sensuality, romance, lust, etc. I crave all of that. 

It gets in the way of me studying 100%. 

Realistically, I'll probably go through periods where I will masturbate once a week and occasionally relapse with porn until April or May and then feel a relief when this exam is done. Then I can just relax.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

BooksandTrees

You know what man. I also craved women, but how do you keep a clear head with them? If you dont control her, she starts causing trouble for you.

My first boxing coach (former participant in the Olympics for USSR) treated me like a younger brother, and this kind of mentorship gave me a lot of security. Then came my teacher who loved me like a brother. There was so much security in these relationships and so much growth mentally and physically, but with women it is tricky.

I need to find brothers to solve my issues.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
55 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

BooksandTrees

You know what man. I also craved women, but how do you keep a clear head with them? If you dont control her, she starts causing trouble for you.

My first boxing coach (former participant in the Olympics for USSR) treated me like a younger brother, and this kind of mentorship gave me a lot of security. Then came my teacher who loved me like a brother. There was so much security in these relationships and so much growth mentally and physically, but with women it is tricky.

I need to find brothers to solve my issues.

I strongly disagree with this. Women should never be controlled. They are humans just like men and I think it's a complete travesty to control women for men to ignore their sexual issues. We see this in tons of cultures where women have no rights. They are suffering. 

I believe in uniform partnership in life between men and women. We are equal. I keep a clear mind with women easily. I respect them at work and with my hobbies. I don't only look at women as sex objects like some other men do. Humans can be sexually aroused by other humans. We're animals. 

We're done here. I already explained I had an urge and dealt with it.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Amphibian, I don't want you speaking on my diary thread anymore. I have asked you multiple times to stop posting on the topic and you keep doing it. You also have morals and lifestyles I STRONGLY disagree with. I don't want anyone replying to his comments on my thread and don't want anyone talking about it.

This conversation is over. It is my diary and my healing. If you're from a culture where your beliefs are completely backwards and unfair to genders, races, ethnicity, or religious differences then I don't respect what you're saying whatsoever. You need to respect other people's lives and space. I asked kindly to stop speaking on the issue. Learn how to respect others and admit when you are wrong.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Today was pretty decent, but also annoying. Coming on here was annoying reading some of the earlier messages. I then 3D modeled for 2 hours. That was pretty good. I cooked for 3 hours making this huge meal only for me not to like the flavor of it lol. So that was a waste. I then did 2 loads of laundry, cleaned dishes, and sorted through mail and bills. I talked to some people on the phone for about an hour.

I don't really like relaxing on days like today. It's my day full of energy instead of being tired from work. I realize I was too amped up to make progress on things even though I did my hobbies. It was shitty out today so I didn't have any desire to leave my apartment. I think winter is such a shit time of year and it really lowers my spirits and makes me feel scornful. I'm also not in the mood to hear about how I can go ski, snowboard, or other things. I don't care.

I've been very agitated recently. I kind of just want smash everything around me. I'm letting people who I dislike fester within my thoughts. I think when this happens it means I have a lot of pent up frustration. I just notice every once in a while I'll just boil over and start thinking about people I hate. I don't really want to deal with other people or their problems. I'm in this very focused, wired frame of mind, yet I'm exhausted at the same time. It's strange.

I think I'll exercise.

Tomorrow I'm going to test out a simulated day and see what it's like. I want to try waking up at a desired time and see how it shifts my day. I'm also looking to express myself a bit more through my hobbies and a lifestyle. I don't need to express myself verbally as I clearly do that enough. I kind of just want to find a reason for me to do some mindless activities and listen to music.

I will try some exercises at home and try it with some music. I don't know.

I got a little frustrated with my hobbies today because they got difficult and I fought through it. It's so difficult realizing how long my goals will take to complete. I'm getting over that by just staying focused and enjoying the process. I love learning the software.

I'm still apprehensive about studying for my exam. I've always hated being graded on things and performing. I'm going to try this tomorrow.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think one of the most important skills to develop is self-awareness. One challenge I'm facing right now with this new relationship I'm in is my partner sort of consuming my attention. The other things that I know I love seem less important. I knew this was coming however and I was aware of it developing. It's just a matter now of finding a new balance with this new person being a part of that.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

I think one of the most important skills to develop is self-awareness. One challenge I'm facing right now with this new relationship I'm in is my partner sort of consuming my attention. The other things that I know I love seem less important. I knew this was coming however and I was aware of it developing. It's just a matter now of finding a new balance with this new person being a part of that.

It's nice being aware of that. I think there's that phrase the "honeymoon phase" that lasts like 6 months in a relationship that goes long term. It's nice that you have awareness now and allow yourself to have fun a little. I think this is a great thing for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
41 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's nice being aware of that. I think there's that phrase the "honeymoon phase" that lasts like 6 months in a relationship that goes long term. It's nice that you have awareness now and allow yourself to have fun a little. I think this is a great thing for you.

Yeah for sure I definitely feel the honeymoon phase going on lol. But it's going to be really important for me to find that balance I need so that I can both satisfy my partner but also satisfy the things that I want as well! On top of juggling my life at home... lol.

Great problem to have though.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Yeah for sure I definitely feel the honeymoon phase going on lol. But it's going to be really important for me to find that balance I need so that I can both satisfy my partner but also satisfy the things that I want as well! On top of juggling my life at home... lol.

Great problem to have though.

Let me know how a relationship impacts your life along the way. I'm curious because I tend to think they'll ruin my life, but I want to be wrong. I want relationships to open new doors for me lol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
40 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Let me know how a relationship impacts your life along the way. I'm curious because I tend to think they'll ruin my life, but I want to be wrong. I want relationships to open new doors for me lol.

Sure I can post in my journal about it. It's off topic here. Don't want to derail your journal!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I still have good friends who are men. I go out for a beer with my male coworkers. We watch hockey together. We record my podcast together. We work on my cartoon together. The people I text the most are men. I rock climb with men as well.

They're not randoms either. They're either friends from work or college. 

I think I have good relationships with men and women. I'm just in a situation where I had two women destroy my grades in college so I never dated after 2010. Once I graduated in 2015 I was still doing my master's degree one class a semester until 2018. In 2019 I tried dating, but I had to study for this massive exam (the one this April) and decided they'd just distract me. I dated a girl for the month of August if you remember and just got too stressed by it. I went on dates with about 8 women in 2019 and connected with over 20.

I've always been an extremely sexual person. I love exploring sex and romance. It's the thing that brings me most happiness in life. Love comes with it as well, but I'm mostly highlighting sex and romance because of the porn issue.

I really think the only reason I haven't dated is because I know a woman, or women, I date will ruin my study habits. Even if they're not purposely ruining my study sessions, I'll be thinking about them constantly and wanting to be with them. I've proven this scenario before. I love the attention from a woman. I love affection. I love being affectionate and sincere to someone I'm dating. I want to sweep them off their feet or just relax with them and be together casually. I just want that partnership, love, sensuality, romance, lust, etc. I crave all of that. 

It gets in the way of me studying 100%. 

Realistically, I'll probably go through periods where I will masturbate once a week and occasionally relapse with porn until April or May and then feel a relief when this exam is done. Then I can just relax.

Got it. Thanks for bringing up the stats.

I was interested, since I realized that about a year ago when I was addicted, I almost never hung out with anyone besides my ex and I likely really overburdened her by my desire to be social. I was teetering on the edge during those several weeks after the breakup and before coming here to GQ, even though I was obsessed by getting her back, rather than just sinking deeper into the addiction. Going down the route that humans were worth fighting for eventually made me realize that there are more things to life than gaming and her, but they were like 95% of my identity back then.

I'm glad to read that you got this covered and have a sensible plan for the next couple of months!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I also forgot to add that today I'm 66 weeks free from gaming. 

Great job, congrats, 

May the none gaming force be with you for another year!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been thinking about this for a while, but I don't think I have enough fun or enjoyment in my life. It's making me feel like everything I do is boring. Work is work and it's boring. Just because I enjoy my career doesn't mean it's exciting. If work is exciting it's when I won a new project, finished a project, or have an adrenaline rush at a deadline.

Outside of work I just come home immediately and have nothing to do. I don't want to study for my test right away because it's just dense math. I don't enjoy solving it. It's not fun and has no end product other than me passing my test in 3 months. I always found solving problems in school to be redundant and a hollow measure of a person's intelligence. I won't ramble on this post. I just don't think studying is fun.

The 3D modeling is not really fun right now. It's lots of classes online to master the techniques I'm learning. I want to jump into making things for fun, but I'm trying to expedite my learning by going through and learning as much as possible. I'm not just learning material. There are tutorials with each class so you follow along and learn tremendous things. I guess I just want to make stuff on my own. Maybe I can incorporate 1 day per week with me doing my own creations for fun. Like in sports, practice was boring, but playing the games was fun.

I've really enjoyed reading before bed. The worlds I discover often keep me up late at night because they provide me with excitement I haven't seen. I want to continue reading for this purpose and to develop my reading comprehension and vocabulary. It's also a great way to relax, while having fun. It also keeps me away from porn at night and helps me fall asleep when I'm not consumed by the plot.

My meals are rather boring. I get frustrated cooking the same boring meals and want some excitement. I just don't often want to spend the time researching new recipes. I'm tired of learning, even though it's mindless following of recipes. I have lots of fun searching for porn videos, but no fun looking for recipes. Food doesn't really excite or comfort me the way sex does. I'm happy about that in a way because I'm not fat. Then again, I have a porn addiction. Nobody really wins.

I like rock climbing, but it's expensive. I'm tired of having to spend money for excitement. Video games were so cheap. I don't enjoy riding bikes or running. Exercise is boring because it's so repetitive unless you have an extensive knowledge base for different exercises to try. Exercise is only good when you have a solid foundation rooted in your daily/weekly routine to keep you charged. It's viewed the same way as I mentioned reading above. I guess I just don't want to do that right now because I hate going to gyms. I hate seeing people at the gym. I hate the music at the gym. I hate getting asked if I want a trainer at the gym. I hate the awkward locker rooms at the gym and seeing these old guys walk around naked. Or they just smell like shit. I hate seeing people act all intense at the gym while they're working out. You're not proving anything. I get the intensity when you're lifting, but just the fucking men and women who walk around between sets staring everyone down until they back down because it gives them an adrenaline boost for their next set like they're about to fight.

I don't like spending time with my friends because all they want to do is "HEy lET's go ANd grAB DrinkS AftER wOrK!". I don't want to drink after work. I don't like alcohol anymore. They get all weird when you drink water and are more apprehensive. It makes them feel weird that they're drinking and you're not, so they're now not as comfortable talking to you. Then they just stop asking you out because it's not as fun for them. The people you meet at bars is a joke and I'm beyond it.

It's hard to find sports to play with people, especially in the winter. Winter sucks. I'm not a fan of ski and snowboarding culture. I grew up poor and attended a wealthy school. All of these kids got to go skiing and snowboarding with their rich parents and ridiculed me for not doing the same. Even talking to them at work I don't get along. They're all rich and I wasn't. I'm in a class system at work that I technically don't belong in. They have no worry, take everything for granted, and are very selfish. I only really relate to like a handful of the people. These people go to ski lodges together, drink and do drugs, then brag as if it was the best thing they've ever done, then do poorly on the projects I assign them and act like entitled assholes.

There's nothing else to really do in the winter. You can ski, snowboard, snowmobile, skate, play hockey, ice fish, rock climb, bowling, pool, maybe play an indoor sport...? It's all wicked expensive. It will run you about 200 per month even if you do it once per week. That's $2,400 per year on a random night out. I don't really find that appealing. Maybe I'm the rare case. I don't like spending money because I never had it and I never want to be poor again.

Everything is just so expensive and none of my friends are the creative types that just want to do fun things from scratch. I'm lost.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A couple of things here:

1) Your life isn't always going to feel exciting. That's the dopamine talking. There are going to be days where the last thing you want to do is the activities that under normal circumstances you know you enjoy. You're going to have days where all you want to do is lay in your bed and stare at the ceiling and be lazy. The difference between the average person and the exceptional person is that the exceptional person understands those days are going to happen, and then goes out and does the things that make them exceptional regardless. They have a success mindset, that no matter what, they will continue pursuing their goals and not allow things like laziness or "not feeling it" get in the way.

Obviously this is much easier said than done, but through dedicated practice you can get there. Like anything else, the determination to push through laziness or discomfort is a skill that must be honed.

2) You seem to have a great deal of bitterness towards other people, even people you don't know. You judge the people that walk around in the gym between sets staring others down, but do you consider that perhaps they are doing that to compensate for a great deal of insecurity they feel about themselves? Everyone has a story, everyone has their problems. Judging someone for those things, things that you don't have a damn clue about is not productive or conducive to your future success. Even the other day where you got pissed because I missed the part about you already seeing a therapist. I mean... there are much, much more important things to get stressed out about.

Eleanor Roosevelt said:

Quote

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

I don't dare to judge you. But I strongly encourage you to figure out which one you fall under.

This hatred and animosity you hold for other people is not healthy and it's not helping you. It's really important for you to figure out the source of this and deal with it. You're going to have a great deal of trouble achieving the things you want in life until you do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, seriousjay said:

A couple of things here:

1) Your life isn't always going to feel exciting. That's the dopamine talking. There are going to be days where the last thing you want to do is the activities that under normal circumstances you know you enjoy. You're going to have days where all you want to do is lay in your bed and stare at the ceiling and be lazy. The difference between the average person and the exceptional person is that the exceptional person understands those days are going to happen, and then goes out and does the things that make them exceptional regardless. They have a success mindset, that no matter what, they will continue pursuing their goals and not allow things like laziness or "not feeling it" get in the way.

Obviously this is much easier said than done, but through dedicated practice you can get there. Like anything else, the determination to push through laziness or discomfort is a skill that must be honed.

2) You seem to have a great deal of bitterness towards other people, even people you don't know. You judge the people that walk around in the gym between sets staring others down, but do you consider that perhaps they are doing that to compensate for a great deal of insecurity they feel about themselves? Everyone has a story, everyone has their problems. Judging someone for those things, things that you don't have a damn clue about is not productive or conducive to your future success. Even the other day where you got pissed because I missed the part about you already seeing a therapist. I mean... there are much, much more important things to get stressed out about.

Eleanor Roosevelt said:

I don't dare to judge you. But I strongly encourage you to figure out which one you fall under.

This hatred and animosity you hold for other people is not healthy and it's not helping you. It's really important for you to figure out the source of this and deal with it. You're going to have a great deal of trouble achieving the things you want in life until you do.

1. I can agree here. I guess I'm just in that mode where I'm still frustrated learning a new hobby. In all honesty it's the first time I've found a hobby in my 66 weeks of quitting games that I've enjoyed. So even though I've been successful in quitting games, I still have that frustration of "not coming home to something specific and just doing it for fun" like I used to with games. It's getting there, but I'm not diversifying my activities enough to balance fun properly. So I think that's just going to take some time for me.

2. I don't really care that they're compensating for something. I still find it rude that they stare or act tough when they've never talked to me. They're doing the same thing. I have empathy for others, but sometimes after years of seeing something I just don't enjoy it anymore. I do have an anger issue. It festers for sure. I have gotten better over the past 10 years, but it's something that will likely be a long process. I've mentioned previously that my dad had a very violent temper and my mom had a very distorted temper where she'd assume things and manipulate people. I come from a product of that environment. I've been learning a lot about how to handle these angry thoughts logically and change. Sometimes it's just difficult. Writing in this diary helps me write my raw frustration out and then analyze it like you just did here. It's a form of reflection for me. I do harbor lots of angry thoughts and have worked at not holding them in, but recycling those thoughts into positive ones. It just takes time when I grew up that way. It's a valid point.

3. The quote is true. I find that once I get my anger out I'm more calm and can easily be creative and do artistic or comedic things. I think that quote is a little too static in my case. I think I get very stressed and filled with anger and look to dump it on people or things. Then I have to recycle that anger and turn it into positive productivity like through hobbies or a gym. Through that direction I then have the ability to do interesting things and create something new with a broader perspective.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'll take it.

Upper body

lower body

rest

upper

lower

rest 

rest 

 

repeat. 🙂 

 

you could just do push ups and pull ups on upper day and squats and lunges on lower day. 
 

You can do cardio and yoga everyday. With foam rolling too on rest days

Edited by Erik2.0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

1. I can agree here. I guess I'm just in that mode where I'm still frustrated learning a new hobby. In all honesty it's the first time I've found a hobby in my 66 weeks of quitting games that I've enjoyed. So even though I've been successful in quitting games, I still have that frustration of "not coming home to something specific and just doing it for fun" like I used to with games. It's getting there, but I'm not diversifying my activities enough to balance fun properly. So I think that's just going to take some time for me.

2. I don't really care that they're compensating for something. I still find it rude that they stare or act tough when they've never talked to me. They're doing the same thing. I have empathy for others, but sometimes after years of seeing something I just don't enjoy it anymore. I do have an anger issue. It festers for sure. I have gotten better over the past 10 years, but it's something that will likely be a long process. I've mentioned previously that my dad had a very violent temper and my mom had a very distorted temper where she'd assume things and manipulate people. I come from a product of that environment. I've been learning a lot about how to handle these angry thoughts logically and change. Sometimes it's just difficult. Writing in this diary helps me write my raw frustration out and then analyze it like you just did here. It's a form of reflection for me. I do harbor lots of angry thoughts and have worked at not holding them in, but recycling those thoughts into positive ones. It just takes time when I grew up that way. It's a valid point.

3. The quote is true. I find that once I get my anger out I'm more calm and can easily be creative and do artistic or comedic things. I think that quote is a little too static in my case. I think I get very stressed and filled with anger and look to dump it on people or things. Then I have to recycle that anger and turn it into positive productivity like through hobbies or a gym. Through that direction I then have the ability to do interesting things and create something new with a broader perspective.

First, sorry if I came off as abrasive. You handled it really well here!

I think when it comes to new things, there's this initial excitement where it's new and fun and exciting. Then it starts to feel very boring and repetitive once the novelty has worn off. This is a critical time in hobby formation. This is where you'll decide if you want to stick with it or not. Eventually, once you get really good at it and start producing some really awesome things, and maybe even have people appreciate those things, it becomes fun again. It's just a matter of if you're willing to work through that crappy period where it feels more like work. I'm at this point with the violin, and I've been at this point with writing for a while. It helps if you've got some long-term goals attached to those hobbies. Maybe you want to perform at events. Maybe you want to publish a book. Those types of goals keep you motivated and energized when the act of doing those hobbies no longer gives you joy.

I think it's a really huge step to get to a point where you're no longer being affected by what other people around you are doing. A lot of the time, things like that affect us because of our own insecurities. I can attest to that from personal experience. Just keep up the fight man!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
31 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

First, sorry if I came off as abrasive. You handled it really well here!

I think when it comes to new things, there's this initial excitement where it's new and fun and exciting. Then it starts to feel very boring and repetitive once the novelty has worn off. This is a critical time in hobby formation. This is where you'll decide if you want to stick with it or not. Eventually, once you get really good at it and start producing some really awesome things, and maybe even have people appreciate those things, it becomes fun again. It's just a matter of if you're willing to work through that crappy period where it feels more like work. I'm at this point with the violin, and I've been at this point with writing for a while. It helps if you've got some long-term goals attached to those hobbies. Maybe you want to perform at events. Maybe you want to publish a book. Those types of goals keep you motivated and energized when the act of doing those hobbies no longer gives you joy.

I think it's a really huge step to get to a point where you're no longer being affected by what other people around you are doing. A lot of the time, things like that affect us because of our own insecurities. I can attest to that from personal experience. Just keep up the fight man!

No worries. I know that's not where you were coming from so that's why I didn't cut you down lol. 

I'm just gonna stick with it. I think we all have so much we want and expect from ourselves. It's just going to take some time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi my friend.... So sorry you are going thru this. 
 

I would really find things you enjoy doing and do that as often as possible. Make your own 3D creations. Read books you really love. Maybe find a recipe book with amazing pictures for inspiration. 
 

We have to have some joy in our lives. A Dharma, a purpose. Or else everything just becomes monotonous. What motivates you, or drives you when you wake up?

 

You are doing so great, I really think you are just too hard on yourself. I hope this helps. Sending hugs and energy and hope my friend. 
 

Talk soon. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi my friend.... So sorry you are going thru this. 
I would really find things you enjoy doing and do that as often as possible. Make your own 3D creations. Read books you really love. Maybe find a recipe book with amazing pictures for inspiration. 
We have to have some joy in our lives. A Dharma, a purpose. Or else everything just becomes monotonous. What motivates you, or drives you when you wake up?

You are doing so great, I really think you are just too hard on yourself. I hope this helps. Sending hugs and energy and hope my friend. 
Talk soon. 

I know all of this. But nothing gives me happiness.

Nothing motivates me when I wake up. I am empty with nothing to strive for in life. On weekdays I get up and go to work because I have to help complete projects. It's not exciting for me most of the time and I sort of just resent some of the coworkers that get away with skimping out on work because I have to work more to cover up for their mistakes, even when my bosses know about the mistakes. We're too busy to fire people which is the problem.

On weekends there's nothing I look forward to doing. I wake up and feel so miserable that I need to take my mind off of things immediately by watching a tv show or going back to bed or sometimes watching porn. I start to have anxiety about how to spend my free time because most of the week I don't spend my time well during the rest of the week. I put so much pressure on my weekends to make me happy and I just crash because I have nothing to do, nobody to spend my time with, and not many people who care. 

I'm apprehensive about spending money now because of how much I've had to spend on moving this year and expensive rent to avoid living with my mom. Rent is too expensive. I make more money now than both my parents did combined for the first 20 years of their marriage and I can't afford a home smaller than the one I lived in. Times are so stupid right now. Rich people controlling land and housing markets depress me.

This is why I'm frozen in a way. I can't spend money ever because of the hope of buying a home. The depression I go through during each day makes having a home useless anyways. I don't have many close friends I see, I don't have a family. I'll just get a home and live alone again.

There's no love in my life at all from anywhere or any place. People tell me that it's the dopamine addiction speaking that I need to have something to do, but that's not true. I just feel like I have no purpose whatsoever and I'm just forcing meaning and purpose into all of my hobbies. I have this crushing anxiety about being useful with my time.

I also have such great fear about life. Look around all of us at the things we can't control with the government, the coronavirus, climate change, etc. It's a disaster. All of that going on and I'm supposed to ignore it to find something that brings me happiness. It's hard to overlook.

Doing simple things won't make me happy. I can't just exercise and feel better. I'm past the point of escapism. I feel very hopeless. Life has beaten me down and I grow incredible amounts of hatred towards people who are happy because of it. I don't hate them. I'm just jealous or tired of seeing people so ignorant. 

I don't even feel the desire to meet a woman. Like, what is she going to do? How is that going to fix anything? I'm not getting happiness from anything. I have to battle through these hobbies to find something.

My end goal would be to somehow become profitable enough off of my cartoons or comedy to quit my engineering job and just live a peaceful life somewhere else. But would that bring my happiness? I don't even know. I just feel like I'm existing on earth until I die and I'm very afraid of that as well, as is everyone. I'm honestly angry that my parents gave birth to me just for me to die one day. I don't think it's fair.

Thanks for the comment.

Edited by BooksandTrees

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...