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BooksandTrees
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51 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've been asked twice and seen a psychiatrist who doesn't think I have a major mental illness. They just say I can try anti anxiety medication if I want, but I'm functioning fine.

Well ultimately it's up to your judgment of course. I know of at least one instance with my friend where a psychiatrist failed to properly diagnose his daughter's mental health issue. It got frighteningly close to being too late before someone else finally had the courage to diagnose it properly.

I'm not saying you have a mental health issue. Just that I see a lot of patterns repeating frequently and with how badly depressed and anxious you get, I just wonder if there's something else going on.

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10 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Well ultimately it's up to your judgment of course. I know of at least one instance with my friend where a psychiatrist failed to properly diagnose his daughter's mental health issue. It got frighteningly close to being too late before someone else finally had the courage to diagnose it properly.

I'm not saying you have a mental health issue. Just that I see a lot of patterns repeating frequently and with how badly depressed and anxious you get, I just wonder if there's something else going on.

How did the daughter eventually get diagnosed?

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I've decided I am not giving myself a fair shot and it's causing some major problems for myself. After talking to Jay and Vera and reading my posts today I've realized I'm becoming someone who is avoiding life. I don't leave the house on the weekends or after work and I'm miserable. I'm resentful of others who do live life. I've attached a checklist I intend on following and we'll see how it goes. 

I'm getting embarrassed seeing people see me having a mental breakdown of sorts. 

Screenshot_20200126-233329_Keep Notes.jpg

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It's your diary, so it's okay for you to vent, to analyze and talk to some medical professional about it. I think @seriousjay has some good and strong points.

You are correct that you shouldn't worry about things outside your control, like coronavirus. On the other token, people staring into your eyes at the gym is also something you can't control. I am actually one of those people who if you met on the street, I would give you a stern eye-gaze for a good second or two. I read about eye contact a few months ago and I practice it almost religiously and see other people's reactions. I like to play that game. If they stare at you, stare at them back. Play the game!

I actually wonder what would my reaction be if someone stuck out a tongue at me while I was giving them my stare... I'd probably be shocked and laughing at the same time!

As for your "friends", I'd differentiate between "friends" you marginalize by not being able to do anything but get drinks after work, and "friends" you enjoy working on your hobbies with and genuinely enjoy their company. If you marginalize, talk smack about it and seriously mean it, just walk away from that relationship, because that is disdain. It doesn't matter if it's justified or not; whether those people can really only get drinks or whether you don't appreciate them for what they are.

I think disdain was the emotion my ex felt towards me at the end of the relationship. She was right to do so, because I was a wreck and gamed for hours on end, even though it at the same time proved to her that her choice to enter the relationship with me was void.

I reacted only on few things, so I don't spend the rest of my evening writing here, but others addressed them already. Myself, I think I rediscovered my ability to be truly amazed by people and perhaps to amaze myself at times. I hope you will rediscover it at one point as well. Good luck.

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I had a meltdown last night and this morning and posted an obituary of my happiness. So I took it down.

Today I fought through only having 2 hours of sleep. I got my work done, talked to coworkers, finished 3 huge tasks, walked with friends at lunch, and watched my favorite cartoon after, finished work strong, and then did yoga for an hour. I felt great after yoga. My mind fresh and cleared from all of the stress I felt. I connected with my teacher and friends in the class. It made me happy. 

After class I went home and immediately meal prepped. I made this recipe: https://diethood.com/crock-pot-honey-garlic-chicken/

It will last me 4 days. The things I changed were using chicken breasts (white meat) instead of thighs (dark meat) and added a little balsamic vinegar.

I talked to my dad on the phone for an hour and even asked my friend out on a date on Friday night and she said yes with enthusiasm immediately. I'm tired of making excuses to be miserable. 

I'm upset that I'm too tired to 3d model today, but I did my hobbies of yoga and cooking. 

My paranoia has subsided greatly. I think I lose my mind on weekends because it allows me time to think and sometimes thinking isn't good after I've been thinking all week.

Thanks for the kind comments.

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You had a productive day for two hours of sleep. What's your favorite cartoon? That's awesome you're practicing yoga with a group. I'll be trying to go for a yoga class Thursday and/or Sunday this week. I'm happy for you going on a date with your friend. I hope that happens for me someday, the only friends I have are far away from me or on here. Maybe I'll make friends at yoga/gym/buddhism/poetry. Life's not over yet! Nice job on the food!

I'm glad to hear your paranoia has subsided. Seems like it was a bumpy week. Do whatever you need to self-care. I'll pray for you. ❤️ 

 

p.s. There's a book called the secrets of people who never get sick that helped me overcome my illness anxiety (previously called hypochondria). It might help! If you do read it I recommend the sections on positive thinking and different exercise forms the most. There's weird ideas on there too that you might want to avoid.

Edited by Erik2.0
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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

You had a productive day for two hours of sleep. What's your favorite cartoon? That's awesome you're practicing yoga with a group. I'll be trying to go for a yoga class Thursday and/or Sunday this week. I'm happy for you going on a date with your friend. I hope that happens for me someday, the only friends I have are far away from me or on here. Maybe I'll make friends at yoga/gym/buddhism/poetry. Life's not over yet! Nice job on the food!

I'm glad to hear your paranoia has subsided. Seems like it was a bumpy week. Do whatever you need to self-care. I'll pray for you. ❤️ 

 

p.s. There's a book called the secrets of people who never get sick that helped me overcome my illness anxiety (previously called hypochondria). It might help! If you do read it I recommend the sections on positive thinking and different exercise forms the most. There's weird ideas on there too that you might want to avoid.

I'll write this book down. Pokemon indigo league is my favorite. I'm on episode 60 rewatching it. You will make new friends soon. A new path brings new encounters. 

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Today was good. My books came in thre mail so I can read before bed again. They're thre rest of the pierce brown books. 

Finished 3 projects at work and got another very far along. 

I spoke with my therapist about life. I think he's in agreement that I am too black and white. An example of this is I don't want to date women until after my exam, but I've said that for 4 years. I could have had a 4 year relationship to the point where she'd understand and support my study habits. Another example is I told my closest friends I can't see them for 4 months because I have to study. Realistically, I can't study for 56 straight hours each weekend.

You get my point. 

I'm going to practice balance similar to that yellow note I posted above. I feel better this week doing it. I got 8 hours of sleep last night and am happier. 

Today I went to therapy, then went grocery shopping, then cooked cinnamon rolls from scratch following this recipe:

https://www.tastesoflizzyt.com/homemade-cinnamon-rolls/#wprm-recipe-container-18003

Edited by BooksandTrees
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On 1/26/2020 at 10:40 PM, BooksandTrees said:

How did the daughter eventually get diagnosed?

I'm not too sure, and out of respect for my friend and his daughter I don't want to share specific details. Only that they had to go through at least 2 psychiatrists to get a proper diagnosis. Sometimes it takes a while to get set up with the right person.

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Today was good. My food was a hit at the office and people enjoyed the total potluck that we did. I finished more components of a project I am working on. I also went rock climbing after work with my friends from the office. I decided to get a membership at this gym after talking to my therapist. It's only $700. If I went once per week for 12 months it would cost $1500. So the savings is important after the upfront cost. 

My therapist believes it's good for me to be in that society and I completely agree. I feel so peaceful there and myself. 

I had a wonderful time climbing tonight with this girl. I do like her. It's strange. She has a boyfriend, though. I'll just see how it goes. 

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Today was also good. I think some stunning developments occurred with some negligent coworkers who have caused me major distress. I also went out for a brewery event with my coworkers and really enjoyed it. I'm starting to feel so much better overall. Like my friendships matter. I'm allowing myself to have friends and talk to people. This weekend is going to be the big test. I tend to get brutally upset each weekend. I'm determined not to be upset this weekend.

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16 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today was also good. I think some stunning developments occurred with some negligent coworkers who have caused me major distress. I also went out for a brewery event with my coworkers and really enjoyed it. I'm starting to feel so much better overall. Like my friendships matter. I'm allowing myself to have friends and talk to people. This weekend is going to be the big test. I tend to get brutally upset each weekend. I'm determined not to be upset this weekend.

Good luck with the weekend! But remember if it doesn't go as planned don't be too hard on yourself. Change is hard.

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Just now, seriousjay said:

Good luck with the weekend! But remember if it doesn't go as planned don't be too hard on yourself. Change is hard.

I know. I've made plans to talk to some friends, study, do hobbies, hang out outside of the house, walk, and have options to rock climb, etc. I also got my new books to read. I'm locked and loaded to not be in debilitating self destruction mode. Let's hope for the best.

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Also, side note, it looks like my diary is about to be the most viewed and most replied diary on the website soon. This is a strange feeling for me since most of the diaries in that category are from 2015. I'm not trying to brag about this, but more thank the people who have supported me and held general interest in my diary and life along this journey so far. I got there relatively fast (under a year) so I am thankful for all of the amazing support and attention. It has helped me reach almost 67 weeks of no video games (Saturday).

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Hey! I'm having a hard time following even my journal but I like what I'm seeing here the last few days! Keep it up, engaging in all these activities will be good for you and, like Jay said, don't be too hard on yourself if something go wrong, shit happens all the time. Have fun on your weekend!

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Good job getting your diary popularized. I'm grateful to have people comment too. Sounds like things are going well. I hope your weekend goes well. I know unscheduled free time is something we're all working on filling up. Make those schedules people!

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3 hours ago, WhatAboutToday? said:

Hey! I'm having a hard time following even my journal but I like what I'm seeing here the last few days! Keep it up, engaging in all these activities will be good for you and, like Jay said, don't be too hard on yourself if something go wrong, shit happens all the time. Have fun on your weekend!

Thank you! We all get super lost at times lol. I'm learning a lot recently. I'll let you know how the weekend goes. 

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34 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Good job getting your diary popularized. I'm grateful to have people comment too. Sounds like things are going well. I hope your weekend goes well. I know unscheduled free time is something we're all working on filling up. Make those schedules people!

Thank you. It's been a pleasant surprise. I've got things planned this weekend so I'm hoping it goes well. 

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39 minutes ago, James Good said:

I know I'm not the most active when it comes to commenting on people's journals, but I do try to follow along, and catching up with the last couple of days has really been uplifting.

It's amazing seeing the progress you've made in your thinking, relationships, work, happiness and everything else you've mentioned since you first started this journal. 

It's genuinely inspiring.

I'm not going to quote everything and reply to every little thing you've said, although what you've said about being black and white made me realise I share a similar trait, but I'm really looking forward to seeing how things develop in the future.

Keep it up!

Thank you! I appreciate it. I've made a lot of progress on here and am just very grateful for the journey so far.

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Today was another good day. I got very far on another project I have been working on. I also went out to eat with coworkers. My monthly eat-out bill for January was less than $100 which is what I wanted. I allow myself maybe $25 per week to do this instead of spending like $5,000 on eating out like last year. That's done with. I'll allow like $1,000, but not 5 times that. That can go to my savings.

I had a 4 hour conversation with my friend today. We hadn't talked in a while so I just watched some tv on mute while talking to him about everything. It was really nice and I enjoyed tonight.

I canceled the date with that girl I was supposed to go with. It really bothered me. I messaged her on Monday morning asking to grab dinner during the week and I was free except for Wednesday and Thursday. So she says Wednesday is best. Then 5 hours later she says oh wait, I misread this. I am free Friday night or the weekend. I say let's get dinner on Friday night. She says yes, she'd love to get dinner Friday night with a smile face emoji. I ask which one of these 3 restaurants do you want to go to? She waits 4 days and responds to me at 1 AM on Friday morning saying she was sorry she forgot to text me back or call me. Maybe we can hang at her place and then mine? I said I would rather get food and chat since I'm allergic to her dog and my house is a mess. She waits several hours to text again and says she'll message me when she is done teaching her class. She doesn't work during the day. Only yoga and stuff at nights on this day. She then says I'm free to hang out now or after 8:30. 10 minutes later she says I'm gonna take a pop-up yoga class so I'll be free after 8:30.

It takes 30 minutes to drive to a place near my house from the yoga studio. So she pushed it until 9 PM basically. I told her I'm not interested and she said ok. Then she said sorry and said an incoherent sentence that makes no sense. 

I realize I was not very much a priority to her by how she put me off and just did everything random first. Just tell me you're not interested. I am thinking of even blocking her number. I don't want to deal with her ever again.

This weekend I plan on taking things easier on myself. I'm gonna go for a walk, 3d model, read, relax, study, see a friend, and rock climb. Or maybe none of it. But I'm giving myself options.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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