Dear Diary...

[Sashiku]

2 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Lol don't apologize. I appreciate the words. I sometimes tend to stay away from sticking positive affirmations up in my house because my mom has them littered around her house. She messes up so much I just view them as a joke and they piss me off. I think things that help me remind myself of positive things are positive self reflections when I can detach from my stresses and let downs. It's just difficult for me to do this most of the time. Maybe I can give it a better shot. I tend to just drown in self pity and misery sometimes and it derails my whole day.

Ah i see. 😮 It's okay, negativity loves to find little cracks and crevices to seep into. Try to find a way to give yourself a dose of positivity and good self image time to time if you can. sticky notes may not work but there are other options. 🙂

[BooksandTrees]

I thought this was an interesting approach to recovering from a binge session. People on here have been trying to recover from a dopamine binge like I have from porn and I think this is reasonable. 

I just did day 1 which was grocery shopping and laundry. 

[Vidar]

13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today I'm 64 weeks free from gaming. I'm disappointed today because I spent a lot of time watching porn this week. I had a long week at work. I had lots of doctor appointments and need to have my wisdom teeth removed and two fake teeth put in, one of which needs me to have braces put on my back 4 teeth to make them more vertical. My teeth aren't crooked, but I have a missing tooth and due to the pressure of me chewing my back two teeth have slightly rotated towards the gap since there's no tooth to support it. 

All this really means is thousands of dollars being spent and that kind of bothers me because of how expensive my year has already been. I can't get over one hurdle. It's the apartment, then it's the car, then it's my health, then it's some exam, then it's my apartment, then my car, then my health, then some other bull shit. I just want to save my money. This has made me stop visiting my friends or going out for communal activities because I want to save my money. I get so angry staying in the same financial situation every year. 

I don't want advice on the money situation since I know how to properly save money. If I didn't, I'd be in debt right now. 

If you work overtime you can't charge sick time with it, which is nice so I got to save my 8 hours of sick time for another day later this year. I still managed to get an extra day of pay on top of the sick time saved. So there's a positive. I was thinking if I stay healthy this year I might take some random mental health days to feel better during the week or something if I'm feeling bogged down. I didn't get a chance to do that the past 3 years and it burned me out a bit.

On the good side of things I have been waking up a lot better with my new routine. I want to 3D model and grocery shop today as well.

I’m also planning on some dental work. It’s very expensive though. Not sure if it will be worth it considering wearing retainers for the rest of my life. 
 

money issues are such a drag on everything. It just sucks the joy out of things. I hope you find space to save money in the future. 

[Ikar]

5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I thought this was an interesting approach to recovering from a binge session. People on here have been trying to recover from a dopamine binge like I have from porn and I think this is reasonable. 

I just did day 1 which was grocery shopping and laundry. 

It's a nice video. I do not think I am conscious of rewarding myself on a regular basis, although when I feel like it, I have no issue just sitting or lying on my bed, relaxing, thinking and recharging. It's okay to sometimes do nothing without the feeling of guilt.

[BooksandTrees]

7 hours ago, Vidar said:

I’m also planning on some dental work. It’s very expensive though. Not sure if it will be worth it considering wearing retainers for the rest of my life. 
 

money issues are such a drag on everything. It just sucks the joy out of things. I hope you find space to save money in the future. 

It sucks. I need it though. I won't have to wear a retainer fortunately. I had braces in my teens and never wore the retainer and my teeth partially moved back 

[BooksandTrees]

5 hours ago, Ikar said:

It's a nice video. I do not think I am conscious of rewarding myself on a regular basis, although when I feel like it, I have no issue just sitting or lying on my bed, relaxing, thinking and recharging. It's okay to sometimes do nothing without the feeling of guilt.

I struggle with rewarding myself and don't think of it ever. I think as long as you can decipher when you're in need of relaxing then you're already in great shape on that front of self awareness. 

[Vera]

@BooksandTrees missed some news! Hope your wisdom tooth surgery went well and you're healing. Don't worry it will heal nicely, but don't do any demanding physical work for two weeks after removal, or you're going to face the same problems as I did, so be careful, please!

[BooksandTrees]

5 minutes ago, Vera said:

@BooksandTrees missed some news! Hope your wisdom tooth surgery went well and you're healing. Don't worry it will heal nicely, but don't do any demanding physical work for two weeks after removal, or you're going to face the same problems as I did, so be careful, please!

Oh no I won't have the surgery until a few weeks! Sorry. I just learned I needed to have it done, but I've been planning on it for some time.

[Icandothis]

On 1/11/2020 at 1:13 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Thank you! I'll find a way through it, especially when I feel better. I gotta stop binge watching porn. It's like a self pity phase or something. I don't know. The area where I live is strange. The nice apartments are all subsidized living units and the normal apartments are either too expensive or pieces of shit. I make too much money to get low subsidy housing and not enough to pay 2 grand per month on the good apartments. So I just get shafted. I think the middle class gets fucked in America way too much, regardless of who is president. I'm determined to find my spot though. I've already gone from poverty to middle class and I'm determined to get to upper middle class in the next 5-10 years. If I pass this exam I'll be there.

 

How are the subsidized units there? That is the type of housing I am trying to get into. 
 

Yes I agree the middle class gets taken advantage of. There are no social programs, the taxes are high. I hope with this upcoming test you will be able to increase you pay rate.   
 

And, along with the others, sorry to hear about the upcoming surgery. I hope all goes well. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, Icandothis said:

How are the subsidized units there? That is the type of housing I am trying to get into. 
 

Yes I agree the middle class gets taken advantage of. There are no social programs, the taxes are high. I hope with this upcoming test you will be able to increase you pay rate.   
 

And, along with the others, sorry to hear about the upcoming surgery. I hope all goes well. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

Thank you. We'll see how it goes.

The subsidized units depend on the city. There are certain cities with complete scum gang members living in subsidized housing, but there are other communities that look like absolute beautiful condos and townhomes.

 

[BooksandTrees]

I've been dealing with lots of anxiety the past few days. Nothing I can really do to relax it. I just get this pulse of energy up the back of my spine near the base of my neck and skull and start to feel distress. I woke up this morning after not feeling well last night. I made breakfast and wrote on the forums a bit. My friend came over and we made the cover art for our podcast and then published it and got lunch together. That was fun. I then watched some football and had a snack. I was very tired after this whole ordeal of a week. I took a small nap before dinner and had trouble falling asleep even though I was exhausted. My mind was racing hard. I woke up, made a nice dinner, called my dad and talked for about an hour, and now I'm here.

I have lots of pressure to enjoy my free time. I have to be realistic, though. I don't think it's smart to start learning a difficult process before bed when my mind is already racing. I'm going to bed at 11 PM and it's 9:30 PM. I want to unwind for at least an hour before bed, which includes reading, watching TV, taking a shower or stretching. Something along those lines.

I am happy I could work on my hobby and socialize at the same time for over 5 hours. I should be happy about this. There's just so much I want to do with my 3d modeling, climbing, studying etc. I think this goes to show that working the 60 hours last week really debilitated my weekend and mental strength. It's a lesson that I'm going to keep close to my heart as I know I can never repeat that again even if it's necessary. 

I busted my ass to finish everything for Friday and my boss didn't even review it. I won't be busting my ass again like that. 8 hours a day that's it. Last time this happened I got very stressed, but I do want to say that I improved a lot this time. Instead of freaking out and finishing it on the weekend before it was due, I finished it over a week before it was due. I just thought they wanted a week to review it. I was mistaken. So that will be my lesson learned here. I'm proud of myself otherwise.

I wanted to touch on my porn binge issue. I was actually forcing myself to watch porn a lot of the time. There were moments where I was stressed or depressed where I wasn't aroused and I forced myself to watch the porn multiple times in one night. I ended up spending 5 hours between YouTube and porn. I would get angry that I was staying up late and then go to watch porn and force myself to watch things for 30-45 minutes at a time. Then I'd get frustrated and watch YouTube or walk around to clear my mind. Then I'd get annoyed that I was thinking and watch porn again.

This is similar to what happened when I finally quit video games. I would keep playing and playing, forcing myself to play. I didn't want to play. I wanted to write my cartoon or exercise or something. I knew I was upset and I just kept forcing myself because I was so upset and wanted to feel worse. It was this ocean of self destruction. I've entered that phase with porn.

I actually broke down and cried on Saturday morning around 5 AM because of the situation I was in. I felt like I've made no progress in my life because I was in the same position I was when I decided to quit video games.

For people struggling to quit video games or any other addictions, please learn from this if you've been in a similar situation. This pain should never be accepted. You should always remember this pain. This pain was the reason I never went back to gaming and am almost 500 days removed from gaming. Obviously, I still have this pain with porn. I'm tired of it now, though. The pain I've felt from forcing myself to watch porn, lose sleep, ridicule myself, torture myself...it's not fair. I'm fucking tired of it. I'm making this commitment. I might masturbate from time to time, but maybe not. I get so addicted to the idea of seeing certain things in porn. I'm not even focused on the woman or romance. I'm just focused on certain things that appeal to me and forcing myself to see it over and over. I need freedom from this. I'm going to try and be a role model for people quitting porn like I have with people quitting games. If I can quit games I can quit porn. I can do this.

It starts with defending myself. 

[seriousjay]

45 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've been dealing with lots of anxiety the past few days. Nothing I can really do to relax it. I just get this pulse of energy up the back of my spine near the base of my neck and skull and start to feel distress. I woke up this morning after not feeling well last night. I made breakfast and wrote on the forums a bit. My friend came over and we made the cover art for our podcast and then published it and got lunch together. That was fun. I then watched some football and had a snack. I was very tired after this whole ordeal of a week. I took a small nap before dinner and had trouble falling asleep even though I was exhausted. My mind was racing hard. I woke up, made a nice dinner, called my dad and talked for about an hour, and now I'm here.

I have lots of pressure to enjoy my free time. I have to be realistic, though. I don't think it's smart to start learning a difficult process before bed when my mind is already racing. I'm going to bed at 11 PM and it's 9:30 PM. I want to unwind for at least an hour before bed, which includes reading, watching TV, taking a shower or stretching. Something along those lines.

I am happy I could work on my hobby and socialize at the same time for over 5 hours. I should be happy about this. There's just so much I want to do with my 3d modeling, climbing, studying etc. I think this goes to show that working the 60 hours last week really debilitated my weekend and mental strength. It's a lesson that I'm going to keep close to my heart as I know I can never repeat that again even if it's necessary. 

I busted my ass to finish everything for Friday and my boss didn't even review it. I won't be busting my ass again like that. 8 hours a day that's it. Last time this happened I got very stressed, but I do want to say that I improved a lot this time. Instead of freaking out and finishing it on the weekend before it was due, I finished it over a week before it was due. I just thought they wanted a week to review it. I was mistaken. So that will be my lesson learned here. I'm proud of myself otherwise.

I wanted to touch on my porn binge issue. I was actually forcing myself to watch porn a lot of the time. There were moments where I was stressed or depressed where I wasn't aroused and I forced myself to watch the porn multiple times in one night. I ended up spending 5 hours between YouTube and porn. I would get angry that I was staying up late and then go to watch porn and force myself to watch things for 30-45 minutes at a time. Then I'd get frustrated and watch YouTube or walk around to clear my mind. Then I'd get annoyed that I was thinking and watch porn again.

This is similar to what happened when I finally quit video games. I would keep playing and playing, forcing myself to play. I didn't want to play. I wanted to write my cartoon or exercise or something. I knew I was upset and I just kept forcing myself because I was so upset and wanted to feel worse. It was this ocean of self destruction. I've entered that phase with porn.

I actually broke down and cried on Saturday morning around 5 AM because of the situation I was in. I felt like I've made no progress in my life because I was in the same position I was when I decided to quit video games.

For people struggling to quit video games or any other addictions, please learn from this if you've been in a similar situation. This pain should never be accepted. You should always remember this pain. This pain was the reason I never went back to gaming and am almost 500 days removed from gaming. Obviously, I still have this pain with porn. I'm tired of it now, though. The pain I've felt from forcing myself to watch porn, lose sleep, ridicule myself, torture myself...it's not fair. I'm fucking tired of it. I'm making this commitment. I might masturbate from time to time, but maybe not. I get so addicted to the idea of seeing certain things in porn. I'm not even focused on the woman or romance. I'm just focused on certain things that appeal to me and forcing myself to see it over and over. I need freedom from this. I'm going to try and be a role model for people quitting porn like I have with people quitting games. If I can quit games I can quit porn. I can do this.

It starts with defending myself. 

This is a great intention that you've made here. I can relate to the idea of forcing myself to do something I don't really want to be doing simply out of habit. Right now for me it's fast food.

The most important part is to not get down on yourself in moments of weakness. Try to take a compassionate approach with yourself. People fail and they get up. It's how you bounce back that matters.

Edited January 13, 2020 by seriousjay

[BooksandTrees]

1 minute ago, seriousjay said:

This is a great intention that you've made here. I can relate to the idea of forcing myself to do something I don't really want to be doing simply out of habit. Right now for me it's fast food.

Thanks. We stuff ourselves with this crap and it's just a hollow feeling. I'm not going to let anger guide me through healing again, but I will use anger to defend myself and stop torturing myself. This is now a level headed approach and I'm ready. I hope you are able to recover from the fast food also.

Nofap had an interesting quote:

 

[DaBest]

Porn is a huge struggle for most, myself included. The good news is you've already beaten video games, so you know what you need to do. 

Today, I was reading a book on addiction that I was recommended, and the therapist who wrote the book described the first year of giving up your addiction like "living with your skin ripped off." It's not pleasant, but I was able to identify with that all too well. It's true though--the pain of the past and realizing what one has done to themselves is the only thing that will keep someone on a path to whatever sobriety they're seeking. 

Take good care of yourself the next couple of weeks, and get ready to embrace the suck.

[BooksandTrees]

1 minute ago, DaBest said:

Porn is a huge struggle for most, myself included. The good news is you've already beaten video games, so you know what you need to do. 

Today, I was reading a book on addiction that I was recommended, and the therapist who wrote the book described the first year of giving up your addiction like "living with your skin ripped off." It's not pleasant, but I was able to identify with that all too well. It's true though--the pain of the past and realizing what one has done to themselves is the only thing that will keep someone on a path to whatever sobriety they're seeking. 

Take good care of yourself the next couple of weeks, and get ready to embrace the suck.

Thanks, man. I will. It's time to get over this crap. I'm tired of feeling sick from it. It causes days and weeks straight of numb brain fog. Fuck this. That's interesting about the book. What is it called?

[DaBest]

Unhooked by Woolverton and Shapiro. So far it's just a bunch of case studies that an addiction therapist encountered throughout their career, but I strongly identify with a lot of it. It's not a technical book by any means. Very self-helpy, but I'm generally pretty keen on stuff like that.

[BooksandTrees]

Something I've been struggling with is being alone in a big house. I get kind of scared at night because I'm afraid of the dark and always have been. It makes me stay up late. If the heater turns on or the wind blows I get scared. I just want a hug to know I'm ok and can go to bed sometimes. I sound pathetic. I have used porn to take my mind off of it and exhaust myself most nights. I hope I find a good living situation one day. It's funny that I get stressed from anger and watch porn at my mom's. I hit motion sick and watched porn at my old apartment. I get scared and watch porn here. 

I need a new strategy. 

[BooksandTrees]

I had trouble sleeping because of what I mentioned previously. I didn't fall asleep until 3 AM so I slept in and came in later. I had to correct some crap that a few engineers messed up and panicked at first, but realized I can finish a lot of it tomorrow. So I remembered working 15 hour days last week pissed me off so I left after 8 hours. I busted ass anyways. I'm not gonna ruin this week.

I'm now 3 days without using porn or masturbating. I want to get to a point where I can masturbate and not make it addicting and not depend on porn. I'm going to actively search my feelings for why I'm doing it.

I think today I had cravings because I'm tired. Whenever I'm tired I try to fight it by staying awake or doing something. I'm just naturally tired now, though. It's 9 PM. I'm gonna finish watching my hockey game and read my book and go to bed. I want to prevent burnout.

[WhatAboutToday?]

On 1/12/2020 at 12:03 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I thought this was an interesting approach to recovering from a binge session. People on here have been trying to recover from a dopamine binge like I have from porn and I think this is reasonable. 

I just did day 1 which was grocery shopping and laundry. 

Nice video! Introducing a routine that I go through each morning has helped me a lot on giving me the motivation to do "harder" things throughout the day.

30 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm now 3 days without using porn or masturbating. I want to get to a point where I can masturbate and not make it addicting and not depend on porn. I'm going to actively search my feelings for why I'm doing it.

I think today I had cravings because I'm tired. Whenever I'm tired I try to fight it by staying awake or doing something. I'm just naturally tired now, though. It's 9 PM. I'm gonna finish watching my hockey game and read my book and go to bed. I want to prevent burnout

Congrats on the 3 days! The cravings are strong, specially in stressful moments but keep it up!

Edited January 14, 2020 by WhatAboutToday?

[BooksandTrees]

37 minutes ago, WhatAboutToday? said:

Nice video! Introducing a routine that I go through each morning has helped me a lot on giving me the motivation to do "harder" things throughout the day.

Congrats on the 3 days! The cravings are strong, specially in stressful moments but keep it up!

Thank you. I'm quitting porn for good. This is enough for me. I'm glad you're starting to progress during your days. 

[BooksandTrees]

Alright, here's a fucking rant.

FUCK THE BOSTON BRUINS.

I'm so tired of watching fucking sports and especially this fucking team. Sports is the biggest let down for me. I watch EVERY Boston Bruins game during the year. It's 10 preseason games, 82 regular season games, and minimum 4 playoff games if they make the playoffs. Last year it was roughly 30 playoff games. The games last about 3 hours each and take up most of my might after work. Usually I eat dinner and watch the game.

I don't even enjoy watching anymore. I've watched every game for the past 25 years. I'm 29. I've been committed. I've seen one championship and I've seen them lose multiple championships. I get FURIOUS when we lose games. I'm not even happy when we win anymore. I'm complacent when we win and just sit there. I get so angry during the games when they mess up. Even if we win I sit there angry when we miss a pass, can't clear the zone, can't score, give up a lead, go offsides. It's so stressful.

I have a stressful day at work and come home and just get even more angry. When the Bruins lost the cup to St. Louis last year I broke a bunch of shit in my house and screamed. I then went into a depression. When we lost to Chicago I did the same thing. Fucking pathetic, dude. I get so angry.

Tonight we lost 6-5 after leading 5-2. We had 2 shots on goal for 35 minutes. For non-hockey fans the average period has 10 shots per team and 30 shots total per game. We had 2 in 35 minutes. It wasn't because the Philadelphia Flyers were good. It was because we made mental mistakes. We couldn't clear the puck at all. We kept missing passes and turning it over on lazy plays. I'm glad Philly won. They deserved it. We didn't care about winning.

THAT'S WHAT FUCKING KILLS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE DON'T CARE ABOUT WINNING, BUT I DO! I'M NOT PLAYING THE GAME!!! 

Why is that a good investment for me? Sports is like a toxic relationship where you are dedicated, committed, you'd never cheat on them and root for another team. You care so much about them and give them everything. And they don't care about you. They don't acknowledge your support or fandom. They don't win for you. They win for them. 

Sports is a neglectful relationship over time. You just give everything and get nothing back most of the time. My grandfather waited 84 years to see the Boston Red Sox win the World Series in 2004. 84 years. Do you know what percentage of the Earth's population lives to 84 years???? Sure they've won like 4 championships since 2004. But dude. 84 years. Cubs waited over 100 years. 

Some people enjoy it, whatever. I'm fucking tired of this. It's a waste of time for me now. I'd rather have fun and relax. Fuck this bull shit.

When we lose it makes me want to watch porn. I'm not going to do it. Fuck that. 

[Icandothis]

23 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Something I've been struggling with is being alone in a big house. I get kind of scared at night because I'm afraid of the dark and always have been. It makes me stay up late. If the heater turns on or the wind blows I get scared. I just want a hug to know I'm ok and can go to bed sometimes. I sound pathetic. I have used porn to take my mind off of it and exhaust myself most nights. I hope I find a good living situation one day. It's funny that I get stressed from anger and watch porn at my mom's. I hit motion sick and watched porn at my old apartment. I get scared and watch porn here. 

I need a new strategy. 

Hugs. 
 

Please look up a poem called, “The Sleepless Ones”.  You will really resonate with the words. You are not alone.

[Netzwerker]

@BooksandTrees WOW gr8 job ! I will be very happy if you tell me all your achievements since joining this forum , because i do not have time to read your whole journal now but I might do that later .

[seriousjay]

19 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Alright, here's a fucking rant.

FUCK THE BOSTON BRUINS.

I'm so tired of watching fucking sports and especially this fucking team. Sports is the biggest let down for me. I watch EVERY Boston Bruins game during the year. It's 10 preseason games, 82 regular season games, and minimum 4 playoff games if they make the playoffs. Last year it was roughly 30 playoff games. The games last about 3 hours each and take up most of my might after work. Usually I eat dinner and watch the game.

I don't even enjoy watching anymore. I've watched every game for the past 25 years. I'm 29. I've been committed. I've seen one championship and I've seen them lose multiple championships. I get FURIOUS when we lose games. I'm not even happy when we win anymore. I'm complacent when we win and just sit there. I get so angry during the games when they mess up. Even if we win I sit there angry when we miss a pass, can't clear the zone, can't score, give up a lead, go offsides. It's so stressful.

I have a stressful day at work and come home and just get even more angry. When the Bruins lost the cup to St. Louis last year I broke a bunch of shit in my house and screamed. I then went into a depression. When we lost to Chicago I did the same thing. Fucking pathetic, dude. I get so angry.

Tonight we lost 6-5 after leading 5-2. We had 2 shots on goal for 35 minutes. For non-hockey fans the average period has 10 shots per team and 30 shots total per game. We had 2 in 35 minutes. It wasn't because the Philadelphia Flyers were good. It was because we made mental mistakes. We couldn't clear the puck at all. We kept missing passes and turning it over on lazy plays. I'm glad Philly won. They deserved it. We didn't care about winning.

THAT'S WHAT FUCKING KILLS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE DON'T CARE ABOUT WINNING, BUT I DO! I'M NOT PLAYING THE GAME!!! 

Why is that a good investment for me? Sports is like a toxic relationship where you are dedicated, committed, you'd never cheat on them and root for another team. You care so much about them and give them everything. And they don't care about you. They don't acknowledge your support or fandom. They don't win for you. They win for them. 

Sports is a neglectful relationship over time. You just give everything and get nothing back most of the time. My grandfather waited 84 years to see the Boston Red Sox win the World Series in 2004. 84 years. Do you know what percentage of the Earth's population lives to 84 years???? Sure they've won like 4 championships since 2004. But dude. 84 years. Cubs waited over 100 years. 

Some people enjoy it, whatever. I'm fucking tired of this. It's a waste of time for me now. I'd rather have fun and relax. Fuck this bull shit.

When we lose it makes me want to watch porn. I'm not going to do it. Fuck that. 

Long ago I told myself I'm not going to invest myself emotionally into sports anymore, and it seems you're taking that same path. You've realized the truth. They don't care about you. They don't win for you. Whether they win or not, it doesn't affect me in any way at all materially. I'll watch the occasional game from time to time but only to enjoy the game itself. I don't care anymore who wins or loses. It's a waste of my emotional energy.

Then there's also the 3 hours per game, minimum to watch them all. That's a lot of time spent!

[WhatAboutToday?]

14 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Long ago I told myself I'm not going to invest myself emotionally into sports anymore

Hey @seriousjay! May I ask you how easy it was for you to let go of the "passion" you had for sports?

I totally agree with you that the best way to watch sports is to be detached emotionally from it. That's something I sometimes think about because I know people that no matter the disappointment that their team gives to them (from game results to corruption scandals) can't leave this cycle of watching sports - getting disappointed - going back to watch it again.