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BooksandTrees

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17 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi,

You are such a beautiful person, and I think, sometimes way to hard on yourself. 
 

Did you read the book “No more, Mr Nice Guy?”  I read the pdf download a couple years ago... and even though I am female... I resonated with the main idea. Here are some of my journal notes, that may help you, as I believe we have the same upbringing. 
 

“ When children come into this world they are totally helpless. Every child’s greatest fear is abandonment. To children abandonment means death. If a child does not have a parent who is attuned to them, nurturing them, loving them... the child will begin to think something is wrong with them. A child will believe that it is not acceptable to be who they are, just as they are. 
 

Children try to be good as a defense mechanism to defeat abandonment. To try and prevent it from happening again. They will see a mistake or perceived flaw as proof that they are bad or unlovable.”  
 

Perhaps I am projecting but I hope you found some of the notes helpful. The book is pretty short and an easy read.... and again I downloaded a free pdf version off the internet. 
 

Congratulations on writing your goals. Having a vision is such an important step... and it’s really inspiring. 
 

Thank you for sharing your life with us.

Thank you. I haven't found the book yet and wanted to get it. I just didn't want to get an Ebook since I don't have an Ereader. Where did you find it? I'm hard on myself because I can't let go and just do the things I want without crippling anxiety and frustration. I know how amazing I'd be at things and I do several things like day dreaming, rumination, porn, (used to game and do social media), and sulking instead of doing the activity or dating. I resent myself for it and am impatient. 

I'm trying. I'll read it at some point. I'm just painfully lonely, miserable, and filled with hatred because I think almost everyone in my life is not authentically interested in me, spending time with me, and will eventually hurt me. I can see it most of the time and it's never a shock. People either want to be near me for self gain, or something else. It's sickening. I try to not get abandoned, and just end up getting abandoned and looking stupid by trying to get their attention before I'm abandoned. By doing this, I've abandoned myself and not gone after my goals and dreams. I'm slowly changing that narrative. It's just hard to face life alone when doing my hobbies because I become so depressed within minutes of being alone that I can't handle it and resort to anger, stress, and porn.

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If you google “no more mr. nice guy free pdf”, it will display a secure website where you can read a free pdf of the book.

 

My therapist has also recommended, “the boy who was raised by a dog” and “the unloved child”.  I have not read these though, but hope to soon. 
 

My trauma therapy will be for my childhood developmental trauma. I curious to see how this plays out!

Have a beautiful new year. 

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11 hours ago, Icandothis said:

If you google “no more mr. nice guy free pdf”, it will display a secure website where you can read a free pdf of the book.

 

My therapist has also recommended, “the boy who was raised by a dog” and “the unloved child”.  I have not read these though, but hope to soon. 
 

My trauma therapy will be for my childhood developmental trauma. I curious to see how this plays out!

Have a beautiful new year. 

Found it! Thank you.

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Today was the first day I haven't faced major depression symptoms in about a week. I've been eating food and sleeping properly for the past couple of days. I made a stupid decision last week and bought a subscription to a Match.com account for dating because I thought it might help take my mind off of pornography. This is bad for a few reasons:

  1. I'm studying for that engineering exam in April and classes are on weekends (typical times couples spend time together)
  2. I'm moving again at some point and it's stressful
  3. Seeing hundreds of women on a dating site is exactly the same as seeing hundreds of women on a porn site (minus the sex), but triggers me into wanting to watch porn.
  4. I don't need another thing on my plate such as dating. I should be focusing on eating well, sleeping well, and relaxing for the first time in over a year. I have 4 months to enjoy this and the stress of trying to buy a house, find a girlfriend, and plan for my exam has me thinking of only the month of April. That's making me not enjoy January, February, and March. Those are 90 days where I can do valuable things and be present. This stress has been ramping up my anxiety and killing me. If I'm bored or something I need to be honest with myself. 4 months alone to heal, spend time with friends, and gather myself emotionally is very important and I need to be mindful about it. Everyone loves presents. Be present.

My mom told me that I'm actually able to get refunded for my Match account and I immediately jumped on it. I got refunded $130.00. What a relief.

I also bought food today. I was trying to make it 2 weeks without grocery shopping, but I didn't plan it properly. I ran out of breakfast foods and didn't want to eat beans and rice for breakfast with a side of peanut butter. That's just gross. So I rescheduled my groceries and properly bought a week+ of groceries that I can take my time with. The real savings will be not eating out at restaurants which I've been strong for 2 weeks now.

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Hello,

I’m happy to hear you’re not feeling depressed lately. That’s a really good sign that somethings working in your life. That’s also impressive you’ve not eaten out for two weeks . I try to cook some myself. Do you have any easy staple foods to make besides pasta and sandwiches? I’m all ears haha. 
 

Good work getting refunded and posting about your nofap journey. I think I’m going to try the respawn guide this weekend. Did you try it? 
 

God bless you and help you in everything

Erik

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15 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Hello,

I’m happy to hear you’re not feeling depressed lately. That’s a really good sign that somethings working in your life. That’s also impressive you’ve not eaten out for two weeks . I try to cook some myself. Do you have any easy staple foods to make besides pasta and sandwiches? I’m all ears haha. 
 

Good work getting refunded and posting about your nofap journey. I think I’m going to try the respawn guide this weekend. Did you try it? 
 

God bless you and help you in everything

Erik

Thank you. Do you have any dietary restrictions or food allergies? What's your weekly budget for food?

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Does anyone know how to calm down from anxiety before bed without masturbation or porn? I've struggled with it all my life and video games let me exhaust myself before bed so I couldn't become anxious. I've watched porn before bed for 15 years now almost every night. Idk what to do. I'm struggling to quit. Mediation hasn't helped much. I tried watching tv, but it's not engaging enough. Whenever I get tired at night I just think about death, loneliness, and suffering. If I'm tired during the day it's a blissful nap. I wish I could be comforted. 

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Hello,

Do you have a mentor (family relative perhaps) who meets with you to discuss your work and issues? You obtain a lot of support and a reality check from personal contact with a trusted mentor.

Did you ever wonder about these fears that become so controlling? 

There was one book that is very strange in its layout and structure : its called anti-fragile and it talks about healthy and harmful stressors in life. It truly made me look at what scared me differently. It turned things upside down. I just cannot remember the thing about it, but I carried away not just knowledge, but slighlty changed behaviour and perception from it and that’s what matters. I just cant retell it, you have to read it, because it delivers concepts in a novel way.

(My feeling):  when I was super secure financially and in other ways, I was not going to get into all sort of new situations, explore new things and confront people and myself. Complacency reached its peak

The weird thing is, adversity and difficulty initially scared the crap out of me, but then I started attacking and dealing with the issues, speaking to people with more concern for them and myself. Doing searching and man do you feel good and think how bad it would be if nothing ever happened to you and you lived in a box

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5 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Hello,

Do you have a mentor (family relative perhaps) who meets with you to discuss your work and issues? You obtain a lot of support and a reality check from personal contact with a trusted mentor.

Did you ever wonder about these fears that become so controlling? 

There was one book that is very strange in its layout and structure : its called anti-fragile and it talks about healthy and harmful stressors in life. It truly made me look at what scared me differently. It turned things upside down. I just cannot remember the thing about it, but I carried away not just knowledge, but slighlty changed behaviour and perception from it and that’s what matters. I just cant retell it, you have to read it, because it delivers concepts in a novel way.

(My feeling):  when I was super secure financially and in other ways, I was not going to get into all sort of new situations, explore new things and confront people and myself. Complacency reached its peak

The weird thing is, adversity and difficulty initially scared the crap out of me, but then I started attacking and dealing with the issues, speaking to people with more concern for them and myself. Doing searching and man do you feel good and think how bad it would be if nothing ever happened to you and you lived in a box

I don't really have a mentor since both of my parents just tell me all of their problems and don't like listening to mine. Everyone else in my family I consider mentally disabled because they're so unintelligent and not worth my time.

I just have my therapist and online forums.

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My morning started with poor sleep, internet not working, and my car dying. I find it funny how when I cancel a payment on something or save money somewhere the next day I need to spend that money immediately. For instance I cancel my dating subscription and spend the exact same price on a Triple A membership, new battery, and service.

Some people will say I planned ahead or someone intervened nicely. But I view it as bull shit. I get my new apartment, it sucks, I get an offer to go back to my old apartment, I still can't sleep with bed shaking issues. Maybe it's the bed now.

I'm rambling. I'm just having a difficult time dealing with even the smallest issues now with my depression worsening. Yesterday was ok, but I just find everything so unbearable. I won't relapse with gaming because my life has improved, my stomach conditions disappeared, and my heartburn is gone since quitting. I just, uh, don't really know. 

I'd like a good stretch for a while. The past 2 years have really sucked. 2017 was really the only good year I've had in the past 10 years or so. It's becoming demoralizing.

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12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Does anyone know how to calm down from anxiety before bed without masturbation or porn? I've struggled with it all my life and video games let me exhaust myself before bed so I couldn't become anxious. I've watched porn before bed for 15 years now almost every night. Idk what to do. I'm struggling to quit. Mediation hasn't helped much. I tried watching tv, but it's not engaging enough. Whenever I get tired at night I just think about death, loneliness, and suffering. If I'm tired during the day it's a blissful nap. I wish I could be comforted. 

Really. Good. Books. Meditation helps a lot too. I used to read just about nothing, and now I'm reading like 5 books at the same time. Each night, I just pick what stories or non-fiction I want to ease into a bit and after that sleep just comes naturally. I just think about the characters and stories and so on and drift off. Breathing exercises learnt from meditating helps too. I took some major effort to learn to meditate properly and regularly, but its benefits are cray. In the beginning it was horrible because it rubbed my nose into how stressed I actually was, but after a few days of doing it anyway, I got better at clearing my mind.

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On 12/30/2019 at 9:03 AM, Ikar said:

The great thing about this is that if both parties are humble, then they are both oriented towards solving the problem, rather than playing some blame game. In a strange way, we are not only responsible for our own behavior, but also for everyone else's. We influence the people we are in contact with as well who in turn influence other people... and the whole world. The trick is figuring out how much responsibility we are able to handle.

If you feel like you should cut your contribution here partially or completely, then do it. I won't hold a grudge against you.

I remember either hearing or reading somewhere the following: You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.

Pretty damn true.

On 12/30/2019 at 7:14 AM, Phoenixking said:

This reminds me of another story I heard about Ghandi. True or not, I find it to be inspiring. He'd told his son that the car needed to be taken care of. He asked him to drive along with him to his job and then take the car to the repair shop to have it serviced. Afterwards his kid would pick him up from work. Instead, the kid slacked off and went to the movies. He never has any shot to see any movies and needed the car to get to the theater. So he went to see a movie, lost track of time and didn't get the car serviced. When he picked his dad up, he had to admit what he'd done and was anxious to receive his punishment for slacking off. Instead of anger, Gandhi chose reflection. He said the kid could go on with the car and drive home and that he'd walk himself. He'd use the walk home to ask himself and seriously contemplate what he'd done to make his son the type of person who'd chose movies over duty. Had he been too strict with him? Should he take him to see movies more often? Did he give him too much responsibility too soon? Etc... I like how he took responsibility for his son's actions and didn't point the finger at his own kid, instead choosing to point the finger at himself and asking himself what he did wrong exactly and how to prevent stuff like that from happening in the future.

Geezes... this is EXACTLY the type of parent I want to be! I have always felt your childrens' failures are a direct reflection on you and it's great that Gandhi agrees. ?

On 12/30/2019 at 2:22 AM, BooksandTrees said:

To the people posting above: I think I just thought that since I was taking the time to read through people's posts and them read through mine we'd have some familiarity. I don't think we'd ever be friends, but just the knowledge from learning about others would be retained. Some people have the attention to detail while others have changed and it's just frustrating to see. I feel like the community has lost its community feel to it over the past few months as people have become more detached from other's journals. I think people were more committed to helping others at one point of the year versus the current time. 

It might not be the same for others, but it's something I've noticed over time and I've felt a large disconnect because of it.

I do want to say I really appreciate the efforts from @Ikar and @Vera over the past year. 

Saturday I made 62 weeks. 

You're on the right track about online friends IMO. It's not really friendship. At best, camaraderie. I believe friendship requires the physical element.

18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Does anyone know how to calm down from anxiety before bed without masturbation or porn? I've struggled with it all my life and video games let me exhaust myself before bed so I couldn't become anxious. I've watched porn before bed for 15 years now almost every night. Idk what to do. I'm struggling to quit. Mediation hasn't helped much. I tried watching tv, but it's not engaging enough. Whenever I get tired at night I just think about death, loneliness, and suffering. If I'm tired during the day it's a blissful nap. I wish I could be comforted. 

You're trying to avoid or dull the anxiety. This will never work.

Instead, try getting curious and objective about the anxiety. Whatever anger, depression, anxiety, whatever you're feeling, remind yourself that it's only true if you want it to be true. If you let it be true. Then ask questions. What is triggering me right now? What can I do about it? Is there actually any truth to what I'm thinking or feeling? Staring it in the face and forcing it to prove its validity usually works to completely disarm it... because the vast majority of the time, the anxiety is complete bullshit. It's usually your inner critic trying to make you feel inferior or whatever and it's almost always based on nothing of substance. I've had several pretty bad anxiety attacks over the last year or so and this is what I used to calm it down.

Regarding your hatred for your mother: My relationship with my dad was bad for a very long time. I held on to years of anger and resentment. He spent at least 10 months out of the year in Ukraine and went back and forth a couple of times. I dreaded every single time he came back. I blamed him for so many of my problems. When he came back, I didn't want to see him. Part of it was due to shame as well, I will admit. It wasn't until I confronted him about this stuff several times that my healing began. Telling your mother about how she's made you feel over the years sucks, and you may have to do it a few more times, but that'll help you resolve those internal issues with her I think.

Also regarding your mother: It is critically important you find a way to forgive her, as well as anyone else you feel may have wronged you over the years. Holding on to that anger is only fuelling all the negative emotions you're currently experiencing. I can tell you that many of the views you have about women, feeling like other people owe you something, etc. is exactly how I used to feel as well. I can't point to any one thing that helped me overcome these issues but a big part of it was learning to forgive and let go.

Hope this helped.

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Hey, I've been reading up the last few pages and there's a few areas I wanted to comment, so this will be an unstructured list of feedback.

With regards to dealing with anxiety before sleep, I'm going to recommend meditation like the others here. I am generally a very anxious person. If I don't exercise every day, I become restless and antsy. Besides that, even if I do exercise, I still struggle to calm my mind after I turn the lights off before bed. In fact, I think historically I have conditioned myself to fall asleep to series, internet or games. I used to play or watch something until I literally couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, and then fall into bed - rather than going to sleep at a reasonable hour.

This has led to the nasty side-effect now that I quite literally find my mind racing if I just lie down in a dark room and try to sleep. It's easier to fall asleep with an iPad on the bedside and a series playing... but this probably is terrible for my sleep quality. I've been meditating for a few years on and off, but only recently have I tried meditation sessions specially focused for sleep, and it's been very successful. I use a service called Headspace, but I'm sure you can find something for free on Youtube to try it out.

You mentioned lacking a sense of camaraderie in the forums and wishing for more replies. I can't speak to that so much as I have been absent for a long time, but I'll echo some of the other people here saying that it might help to finish your entries with questions if you're looking for specific feedback. In my past 90-day-detox, I got much more feedback when I did that. But you are true when you say that, nothing can replace people in real life either. 

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23 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Does anyone know how to calm down from anxiety before bed without masturbation or porn? I've struggled with it all my life and video games let me exhaust myself before bed so I couldn't become anxious. I've watched porn before bed for 15 years now almost every night. Idk what to do. I'm struggling to quit. Mediation hasn't helped much. I tried watching tv, but it's not engaging enough. Whenever I get tired at night I just think about death, loneliness, and suffering. If I'm tired during the day it's a blissful nap. I wish I could be comforted. 

I think @seriousjay talked about this a bit already, but the thing that has worked the best for me, but is by far the hardest to do, is facing the anxiety. I am by far NOT a good practitioner of what I preach, but the times I do things work out best. Obviously, facing these things at bedtime is not ideal. Perhaps taking a small baby step towards resolving something negative on your mind every day, and holding onto that feeling of accomplishment before you go to help might help, but only a small amount. This is a long-term fix, not a short-term. If you've lived like this for 20+ years, these feelings likely won't go away overnight.  

And another caveat of not practicing what I preach, but meditation has been helpful in the past, and sometimes I can catch myself in the moment. Perhaps that can take at least take some of the edge off, but again, overall this is a long-term fix.

If you want a true, short-term fix, books or music. When I was a very neurotic teenager, I listened to an album of Death Cab for Cutie to curb my racing thoughts because I absolutely hated that band. They literally bored me to sleep. Books are great since a good book will bring you into a new world. Fiction preferable for this reason.

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My humble opinion, stay away from music if it sways emotions in whichever direction. You have to be cold blooded.  Otherwise You begin to lose focus and dissipate.

 

One uniting factor here is that we all want to become men. When you abuse entertainment,  and dont do the things you are supposed to be doing, you have to put in the efforts just lay the foundation from the start

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On 1/2/2020 at 5:28 PM, seriousjay said:

I remember either hearing or reading somewhere the following: You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.

Pretty damn true.

Geezes... this is EXACTLY the type of parent I want to be! I have always felt your childrens' failures are a direct reflection on you and it's great that Gandhi agrees. ?

You're on the right track about online friends IMO. It's not really friendship. At best, camaraderie. I believe friendship requires the physical element.

You're trying to avoid or dull the anxiety. This will never work.

Instead, try getting curious and objective about the anxiety. Whatever anger, depression, anxiety, whatever you're feeling, remind yourself that it's only true if you want it to be true. If you let it be true. Then ask questions. What is triggering me right now? What can I do about it? Is there actually any truth to what I'm thinking or feeling? Staring it in the face and forcing it to prove its validity usually works to completely disarm it... because the vast majority of the time, the anxiety is complete bullshit. It's usually your inner critic trying to make you feel inferior or whatever and it's almost always based on nothing of substance. I've had several pretty bad anxiety attacks over the last year or so and this is what I used to calm it down.

Regarding your hatred for your mother: My relationship with my dad was bad for a very long time. I held on to years of anger and resentment. He spent at least 10 months out of the year in Ukraine and went back and forth a couple of times. I dreaded every single time he came back. I blamed him for so many of my problems. When he came back, I didn't want to see him. Part of it was due to shame as well, I will admit. It wasn't until I confronted him about this stuff several times that my healing began. Telling your mother about how she's made you feel over the years sucks, and you may have to do it a few more times, but that'll help you resolve those internal issues with her I think.

Also regarding your mother: It is critically important you find a way to forgive her, as well as anyone else you feel may have wronged you over the years. Holding on to that anger is only fuelling all the negative emotions you're currently experiencing. I can tell you that many of the views you have about women, feeling like other people owe you something, etc. is exactly how I used to feel as well. I can't point to any one thing that helped me overcome these issues but a big part of it was learning to forgive and let go.

Hope this helped.

I agree and unfortunately disagree with a few things. Thank you for sharing your story.

I think forgiving my mom will help me let go of my anger. I agree with that. The issue is I have tried so many different ways at discussing these issues with her during my 6 months with her last year. Nothing worked. I tried being nice. I tried sitting down face to face for long periods of time. I tried screaming at her. I tried belittling her. I tried friendly chat. I tried open heart to hearts. I tried walking and talking. I tried treating her well for the first 3 months living there and having dinner conversations to discuss stuff. I tried talking on the phone for 10 years. I tried writing letters to her. It goes through one ear and out the other. She does this to everyone in the family. I honestly believe she has a mental illness and the only way I'll be able to forgive her is just never speak to her about anything important, view my life status as a victory in the disagreements we have, and just move on and have vague family conversations with her. 

I agree with letting go of the anger, but the only issue is how stressful my life has been. Every time something happens I can trace it back to an initial cause and that sparks back all of the initial forms of hostility I had. This in turn makes my anger worse.

The only way I feel better is by having total control. I choose not to talk to them for long periods of time. When we do talk, I control all of the conversation and keep it short. That's been the only way I've been able to get progress in life regarding any family issues. I still don't even talk to the rest of my family and most people in my family agree why. They don't even like each other. I talk to a few one on one over the phone and they give me 100% support and agree with all of my complaints. It's just a very messed up family.

I asked my aunt if she thought there was any sort of "psychotic" gene in the family that gets passed down through some sort of family trait or genetics. She said yes because she could pinpoint people on my grandmother's side who just went nuts and some of my family members still exhibit those behaviors. I think I may have dodged it, but then again based off of how I've been acting with my anger maybe I'm just a cognizant member of that deformed family lineage. 

I appreciate the advice and fully agree. I'm just in a tricky situation. 

I also don't feel like women owe me something. That's kind of a selfish statement. I've stated I want equality in relationships. The only thing I've stated about women is I think they're going to cheat on me if I date them or abuse me sexually and mentally like the ones in my past. I've recovered from two treacherous relationships where I was sexually abused and manipulated. I don't believe I've said anything regarding a woman or women owing me something so I have to strongly disagree with you there. 

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On 1/2/2020 at 7:25 PM, Erik2.0 said:

@BooksandTrees I don’t have any allergies. I like to eat healthy food. No sugar. 

 

I've been making more vegetarian and plant based meals. I think you should spend some time on YouTube experimenting with some meal prep food. I try to make something that will give me 3 meals a piece or so. If I do something that gives 4+ meals I get bored of it and find myself becoming lazy for two reasons. The first is I'll be complacent that I've made enough food for the week and not want to make anything else. The second is that I'll get bored of the food and go out for lunch after. 

Some of my staples that I'd meal prep was basic stuff like chicken, steak tips, pork chops, brown rice, butternut squash, quinoa, sweet potatoes, sweet potato fries, broccoli, green beans, asparagus, mushrooms and onions, spaghetti, etc. I now make different vegetarian meals and am experimenting with different kinds of curries. I'm not very good at those though.

I'm not sure if any specific recipes will help here. I do make lots of food from skinnytaste.com. Gina, the woman who runs the site, has recipes for every kind of diet and labels them well. She also highlights the nutritional information.

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I discovered the reason I'm not sleeping well. I'm afraid to go to bed because I don't want to have another poor night sleep. Although my floors don't rattle here compared to my old apartment, the furnace that intakes and distributes heat to the house via forced air is very loud. Every 5th-10th time it intakes cold air to produce hot air it makes an extremely loud noise and vibrates way more than any other time. It sounds like someone is hitting it with a hammer! It's that loud!

This will just wake me up in the middle of the night similar to my old apartment. This irritates me and makes me mad. It also gives me memories of my old apartment, making me more mad. It also makes me think about how I've yet moved to another place where I can't get any sleep. I sit there in self defeat and get even more mad.

I try to go to bed and I can't once I'm awake. I get a stomach ache right away, and as mentioned before I have a fear of stomach issues, so I start to get anxiety on top of the anger. I go for a walk, I breathe, I watch TV or do something to relax. Unfortunately, I was using porn to relax at my old apartment. I've now developed a habit of watching porn to calm down after waking up so I can escape my frustrations.

This failure and relapse with porn ends up making me more mad so I can't sleep again.

Some people have mentioned meditation. Meditation makes me focus on the sounds and feelings of my environment. It has me focus on what I'm hearing and feeling in my body as I root through the ground. When I root through the ground I feel my floor shaking. When I hear sounds I hear my furnace slamming and choking since it's clogged.

I'm not going to ignore my problems through meditation. I think there's a time and place for it. What I did instead was call my landlord and tell her to fix my furnace. So she's having someone come down to clean it out, replace the filter, and see if there's anything warped in the metal paneling that is causing it to deform so much when it turns on. It shakes so much that a ceiling panel fell on it and broke. 

@Amphibian220 music definitely sways me. If I get depressed and listen to bands like Deftones or another depressing band I get into a very bad state of mind and can't escape. It's terrible. I agree with you there. I have to avoid angry, sad, or grunge music when I'm upset. Electronic or atmospheric music really helps or just not listening to anything at all. Maybe a podcast helps as well actually.

Having the heating issues has made me frustrated with living situations. I want to find a new apartment or a home. Buying a home is not a good idea. Next year is the best year for me to buy a home for multiple financial reasons so I've dedicated the next year to studying, living easier, and getting an apartment again. Maybe with some luck I'll find something bearable that allows me to sleep. I need sleep. Please give me sleep.

 

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree and unfortunately disagree with a few things. Thank you for sharing your story.

I think forgiving my mom will help me let go of my anger. I agree with that. The issue is I have tried so many different ways at discussing these issues with her during my 6 months with her last year. Nothing worked. I tried being nice. I tried sitting down face to face for long periods of time. I tried screaming at her. I tried belittling her. I tried friendly chat. I tried open heart to hearts. I tried walking and talking. I tried treating her well for the first 3 months living there and having dinner conversations to discuss stuff. I tried talking on the phone for 10 years. I tried writing letters to her. It goes through one ear and out the other. She does this to everyone in the family. I honestly believe she has a mental illness and the only way I'll be able to forgive her is just never speak to her about anything important, view my life status as a victory in the disagreements we have, and just move on and have vague family conversations with her. 

I agree with letting go of the anger, but the only issue is how stressful my life has been. Every time something happens I can trace it back to an initial cause and that sparks back all of the initial forms of hostility I had. This in turn makes my anger worse.

The only way I feel better is by having total control. I choose not to talk to them for long periods of time. When we do talk, I control all of the conversation and keep it short. That's been the only way I've been able to get progress in life regarding any family issues. I still don't even talk to the rest of my family and most people in my family agree why. They don't even like each other. I talk to a few one on one over the phone and they give me 100% support and agree with all of my complaints. It's just a very messed up family.

I asked my aunt if she thought there was any sort of "psychotic" gene in the family that gets passed down through some sort of family trait or genetics. She said yes because she could pinpoint people on my grandmother's side who just went nuts and some of my family members still exhibit those behaviors. I think I may have dodged it, but then again based off of how I've been acting with my anger maybe I'm just a cognizant member of that deformed family lineage. 

I appreciate the advice and fully agree. I'm just in a tricky situation. 

I also don't feel like women owe me something. That's kind of a selfish statement. I've stated I want equality in relationships. The only thing I've stated about women is I think they're going to cheat on me if I date them or abuse me sexually and mentally like the ones in my past. I've recovered from two treacherous relationships where I was sexually abused and manipulated. I don't believe I've said anything regarding a woman or women owing me something so I have to strongly disagree with you there. 

Unfortunately, there will be instances in life where you simply cannot get through to someone no matter how hard you try. I'm very sorry one of those people in your life is your mother, that is really unfortunate. However, forgiving someone doesn't mean them accepting it. When I say forgive her, I mean in your heart and mind. You, at least, can be at peace with the relationship you have with your mother, regardless of her relationship with you, no matter how bad or toxic it is. Remember, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I think you're doing the right thing by setting boundaries and managing your interactions with her.

Additionally, if you meet her hostility and other negative attitudes with love, kindness and compassion, it will completely disarm her. She won't be able to touch you at all. This sort of approach may be the only way to get through to her, because talking to her clearly isn't working.

If you can get yourself to this point, where you love her and others unconditionally regardless of what they do or say to you, you'll be amazed at how empowered you will feel in your interactions with them. There is literally nothing anyone can say or do to you at that point that has any power over you.

So regarding the stress of your life, unfortunately the hatred and anger is only fueling it. I'm sure you know this already. Meeting a negative emotion with another negative emotion only compounds the problem. Next time see if you can take a more compassionate approach with yourself. If nothing else, you have awareness of your issues and struggles and realize there's something you can do about it, even if you don't know what that something is. Many people go through life without ever realizing how much control they have over their circumstances.

When I mentioned feeling like you're owed something, I was talking about the world and people in general. You mentioned things like feeling angry that your coworkers don't reciprocate your kindness. Or that people on this forum don't reciprocate what you give them. That's feeling like you're owed something for what you do for people. Your reaction to them not giving something back to you is actually attracting more of the same.

See if you can change your attitude. Be kind to people because you want to be kind to them, not because you're hoping they or the universe or whatever will give you something back. In time, that attitude will attract the people into your life that will respond in kind-they'll be more than happy to do things for you for no other reason than you're a friend.

I realize none of these changes are easy. It took me months of extremely diligent practice to shake off a lot of these types of attitudes, but it absolutely can be done if you want it and are willing to put forth the effort.

 

Edited by seriousjay
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I discovered the reason I'm not sleeping well. I'm afraid to go to bed because I don't want to have another poor night sleep. Although my floors don't rattle here compared to my old apartment, the furnace that intakes and distributes heat to the house via forced air is very loud. Every 5th-10th time it intakes cold air to produce hot air it makes an extremely loud noise and vibrates way more than any other time. It sounds like someone is hitting it with a hammer! It's that loud!

This will just wake me up in the middle of the night similar to my old apartment. This irritates me and makes me mad. It also gives me memories of my old apartment, making me more mad. It also makes me think about how I've yet moved to another place where I can't get any sleep. I sit there in self defeat and get even more mad.

I try to go to bed and I can't once I'm awake. I get a stomach ache right away, and as mentioned before I have a fear of stomach issues, so I start to get anxiety on top of the anger. I go for a walk, I breathe, I watch TV or do something to relax. Unfortunately, I was using porn to relax at my old apartment. I've now developed a habit of watching porn to calm down after waking up so I can escape my frustrations.

This failure and relapse with porn ends up making me more mad so I can't sleep again.

Some people have mentioned meditation. Meditation makes me focus on the sounds and feelings of my environment. It has me focus on what I'm hearing and feeling in my body as I root through the ground. When I root through the ground I feel my floor shaking. When I hear sounds I hear my furnace slamming and choking since it's clogged.

I'm not going to ignore my problems through meditation. I think there's a time and place for it. What I did instead was call my landlord and tell her to fix my furnace. So she's having someone come down to clean it out, replace the filter, and see if there's anything warped in the metal paneling that is causing it to deform so much when it turns on. It shakes so much that a ceiling panel fell on it and broke. 

@Amphibian220 music definitely sways me. If I get depressed and listen to bands like Deftones or another depressing band I get into a very bad state of mind and can't escape. It's terrible. I agree with you there. I have to avoid angry, sad, or grunge music when I'm upset. Electronic or atmospheric music really helps or just not listening to anything at all. Maybe a podcast helps as well actually.

Having the heating issues has made me frustrated with living situations. I want to find a new apartment or a home. Buying a home is not a good idea. Next year is the best year for me to buy a home for multiple financial reasons so I've dedicated the next year to studying, living easier, and getting an apartment again. Maybe with some luck I'll find something bearable that allows me to sleep. I need sleep. Please give me sleep.

 

This might be a really stupid question, but have you tried ear plugs or ear muffs?

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