Dear Diary...

[BooksandTrees]

On 11/6/2024 at 2:25 AM, Amphibian220 said:

this means there was something that was a good outlet but you have not found it to combat the old pattern. 

I can see in your posts that sometimes worries can drive you to this numbing habit. I have the same issue with social media, and I want to know how to defeat fear and anxiety, like a fighter gets in the ring and drops his opponent with his willpower.

Over this period of journaling I noticed that If I can build up enough strength, then when a new difficulty cones, I will not overspend mental strength on it, but handle it as a matter of fact.

I still can’t do it and I am getting the feeling I’m going to get into a more humble and honest approach if I dont want to get stuck in the crap old ways.

Do you know what is great about kids? They are not stuck up in their heads and display a lot of courage. They know someone has their back.

I feel crap that I have watched pointless shows as a way to numb, but that only happened because I slacked over the last year and didnt keep fighting at a high tempo. I have to find this strength somewhere and I have to pay attention to what people around me do, because that always arms me with intelligence and support from people.

It's tough. I think we're making good progress on our addictive habits overall if we compare to years ago. It's just one of those things that's going to be a battle of endurance and patience. We've got this. 

[BooksandTrees]

I wrote a poem about postpartum depression induced rage. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck 

[BooksandTrees]

I've decided to not post for a while until life improves. I apologize to those who have been long readers and i apologize to my friends on here who always talk. It's just too much to write about and it's so exhausting. 

[Amphibian220]

All good, but please post every once in a while that you are on track with your therapy and recovery.

[BooksandTrees]

I've noted in my journal that my dad abused me for my entire adolescence as well as my mom. I mentioned i didn't talk to him from 2011 to 2019. 

The past 5 years have been tough. Sometimes he's done good things for me but many times he's still remained abusive and narcissistic. 

This past weekend, his girlfriend texted my wife and me with a very passive aggressive text saying they're going to do a drive by and do off Christmas gifts because they weren't going to see us for Christmas. They came by unannounced on Monday, dropped off the gift, and left. 

The card she wrote accused us of ignoring my father and not inviting him over for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was a disaster for my family because my wife almost died from an infection, my son never slept and we were sleep deprived, a construction accident occurred at my house and we lost power and internet, and we barely made it to my wife's family's party. 

My dad has been lying to his girlfriend about how much support he's given me over the years. He lied and said we're best friends. He never checks on my health, my wife, or my son who died at birth and was resuscitated. He said I spend too much time with my son and wife and not him and his girlfriend. 

As I write this, im crying. I feel like I have to explain to her all of the abuse of endured and hopefully she'll see and apologize. 

But I've been thinking about what to say and I've just suffered immensely. Flashbacks of his torture fill my mind and heart. I'm scared again. I'm depressed again. I'm anxious and paranoid again. 

My mom said I don't need to explain anything to them. I said I do. Now that I've had to endure these horrible memories again, I don't think it's fair to put myself through it again. It hurts so much. 

I've based my whole life on not being like him. 

I just want to block him and move on now. I thin my mom is right. It's not worth explaining to them why I'm upset. Off he hasn't changed, he never will. And she's been brainwashed by him.

[BooksandTrees]

I did it. I blocked him again. I couldn't take it.  I wrote this letter:

"Dear Dad and name, 

After lengthy consideration i have decided that it is in the best interest of me and my family if we are no longer in contact with each other. We did not speak to each other from 2011 to 2019 for several reasons. We reconnected in 2019 and had a long conversation to move forward. 

Over the past couple of years, this year in particular, I've noticed extreme parallels in your behavior and communication with me and my family that occurred with me and mom. This is concerning to me and the past week really brought things to an end. 

Memories of pain have been resurfaced in my heart and mind and as a parent and husband, it is my duty to shield myself from this pain again, but not only myself this time, my wife and son too.

I ask that you please respect this decision. You and her, or anyone else seeking communication with us on your behalves, are not welcome to call, text, email, write letters, contact on social media, or any form of communication with us. You are also not welcome on our property and will be considered to be trespassing. 

I wish you good luck for the foreseeable future. I hope you two have a happy life together. I hope the new house is quiet and cozy for you both. I hope you stop getting kidney stones and your battle with diabetes gets better. 

Thank you, "