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seriousjay

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  1. Bottom line is, you can't change anyone. Ever. Period. Stop trying to. If your husband doesn't want to change, he won't. He has proven this time and time again. In a way, he's right that you are trying to control him and you need to stop. Do not participate in his gaming anymore. Do not talk to him about gaming anymore. If he brings up gaming, tell him to stop talking about it. If he won't, leave the room. And make it clear that if he wants to continue gaming as well as keep the relationship, then he needs to work on healthy boundaries with the games. Then, leave him alone. Let him spend his time how he wants and decide for himself what he wants. If he doesn't change, you need to leave the relationship. I will warn you however, that I don't think this relationship is salvageable. Your husband is an abuser and an addict. He is so addicted to the games he's not even close to realizing he has a problem. Not even sitting down with a counselor seems to have moved the needle. He needs to seek therapy for his own problems, and it sounds like that's going to take years of hard work. This isn't about running. It's about recognizing that YOU DESERVE to have what you want in a relationship. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have someone as a partner that wants to interact with you and do things with you, things that YOU want to do. This is not selfish, this is recognizing that we all as individuals have needs and desires and those things deserve to be fulfilled.
  2. Well it's been about a year since I posted here. This is going to act as a farewell post of sorts since I'm pretty confident about where I'm at right now and can take it from here. I have since become engaged to the woman I met on Match about a year and a half ago and things are going quite well. The honeymoon phase is definitely over but we've settled into a new normal for us that I'm sure is going to work very well. There are still some adjustments and compromises to be made because we are both individuals who really value our independence and still have this feeling that parts of this relationship are compromising that. However, I'm certain that I've found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with so I'm excited to see where it goes from here. I haven't picked up a video game in over a year and I've only watched Youtube videos for video games a handful of times, so much progress has been made there. Sometimes I am wistful about them, however I know that at this time, I cannot have a healthy relationship with them. It's possible I may never have that, though some part of me wants to. At the same time, I feel like if I do get to that point, I won't even want to play or even think about video games anymore, having prioritized other, more important things in my life. If all I'm going to do is play video games a couple hours a week, I don't see the point of playing them at all. I have picked up a board game called Gloomhaven which is a little bit like a video game in board game form. It almost got out of control but I think I'm at a healthy place with it now for the most part. It was a bit risky to allow myself to interact with it but I really believe I need to face this challenge head on and overcome it in order to really move on from this addiction. The food is still an ongoing challenge but I am making pretty good progress on that over the last couple of months. I'm still eating too much but mostly I am cooking at home lately or if I am getting take out, it's on the healthier side. What has really helped during this time is tapping into mindfulness, namely meditation, affirmations, visualization, and more recently, yoga. When you can ground yourself in the moment and really exist there, it's not too hard to stop obsessing over things like video games, food, etc. or just thinking in general. Anyways, I really want to share my appreciation for this community, for @Cam Adair for starting Game Quitters and everyone else who has helped me on this journey. It's been a wild ride and I hope that everyone who is suffering is able to find peace. 🙂
  3. Hey dude, thanks for posting. I actually ran into a major relapse back into gaming and youtube. Got a lot of stress going on in my life right now but slowly I'm working back towards a healthy place. I've come to the realization that in order to really get over this hump I'm going to need sustained abstinence from everything game related for years most likely. That seems to be the only way the life I want to live will become the "new normal" for me. How are you doing?
  4. Re. the food: I've discovered I'm an emotional eater. Being full or knowing the consequences of my poor eating aren't helping to stop my consumption of junk food. I just have to find a better way to handle stress. I'm sure a significant part of it is also habitual as well. As far as the gaming content, it goes hand in hand with finding a better way to handle stress. I can't really do much about the added responsibilities, so I just have to find a better way to manage my responses. I'll be working with my online counsellor on solutions for this.
  5. Haven't posted here in forever but I figured I'd share where I'm at. Things with my girlfriend are going amazing. Don't have much to say about that. Food has increasingly become a problem and with that so has consuming video game related content on Youtube. I think a lot of it has to do with stress from added responsibilities in my life and still not having great ways to cope with it. The writing and violin isn't helping much and I actually haven't done those activities in quite some time. Maybe I haven't given them enough of a chance to act as stress relief, I don't know. I've also slipped in my meditation and daily gratitude practice. My usual way to get back into doing things is not put too much pressure on myself to do them and just be OK with doing them for short periods of time to build the habit back up. I think that'll be a good start to get back on track. We'll see how it goes.
  6. It comes and goes my friend. You're not going to fall head over heels every time you think of the person you love. Some days you're going to think she's the greatest creation this planet has ever seen, other days she's just going to seem like any other human. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless it's been this way for an extended period of time.
  7. The 90 days is just a goal to work towards. The whole point of removing video games from your life for 90 days is to give you enough time to replace video gaming with other activities that fulfill the same needs. Maybe part of the issue is that people who get addicted to video games generally have significant underlying mental health issues that need to be addressed first and foremost. This is why so many people try and fail I think. Video games are like a drug to many of us. We can abstain for a while but eventually we need the high again and it's only through very concerted effort and self-discipline that we can force ourselves to not go back to it. Sometimes this is successful, even long-term. But I think without tackling whatever issues brought you to video games in the first place, it's hard to set yourself up for success. I used to think I just needed to try harder. That I didn't want it bad enough. This advice works for some people, but for many of us it won't because that isn't the problem.
  8. Alright, well obviously I don't want to discuss anything you're not comfortable talking about. 🙂 What do you feel we can do to help you at this time? Do you have any specific questions?
  9. Don't discredit even seemingly minor events that happen in our lives. If someone prods you with a spoon 1000 times you're probably going to be pretty upset after a while, but each individual poke won't do a whole lot. You say you felt lonely in your marriage. Would you say over that 10 years that there was a significant amount of neglect on your partner's part? Did you ever try to reconcile the issues with your partner, or were you just taking it and accepting their position, even if you didn't agree? I might be wrong but I wouldn't be surprised if your marriage is the reason you turned to video games in the first place. We are social creatures. We crave company. If you aren't getting it in real life you'll find other ways to satisfy that need. In your case that may have been video games. Assuming this is all true, and your marriage has left you scarred, finding a way to forgive your partner and especially yourself (if you do hold any self-blame for the breakup) will be an important step in your recovery. It's not necessarily important to tell them you forgive them. Forgiving them in your mind may be enough for you. I would definitely recommend seeking some kind of mental health professional to discuss this if you think it's a critical issue.
  10. Hi Laura, welcome to the forums. It's entirely possible that your addiction is because of an underlying mental health issue. I wouldn't rule it out and if you can make it work I would strongly advise you to speak to a professional about it. At the very least your family doctor. It might be an issue that you've been carrying "under the hood" your entire life and that specific video game you mentioned may have dragged it out of you. At the very least, there are some questions that would be worth exploring, such as if you've experienced any serious trauma in your life (mental or physical), whether you've struggled with making friends, etc. Also think about if there's any specific need that the video game may have fulfilled for you. Were you lonely? Sad about something? Think about how the video game made you feel and what about it made you keep coming back. You say you didn't have problems in your life until that game and I believe you, but there is obviously something it gave you that nothing in real life did that you desperately wanted. Otherwise you wouldn't have kept coming back. Additionally, please let us know if there's anything specific you need help with that we might be able to do for you.
  11. @Zipperhead sorry to hear about your relapse. I wish you well in getting back to where you want to be. My first instinct is to question your relationship with your wife. I can understand her being disappointed that you relapsed but her reaction according to you seems extremely excessive. Why would there be such a huge trust issue because you relapsed? Why would she threaten to leave you because you've shown that you're still human? It sounds to me like your relationship has deeper issues than just broken trust over a relapse in gaming, and I would strongly advise you to talk to her about that. If she's piling shit on you during this time, it isn't going to help. In fact, it's only going to make things worse, and you need to explain that to her. As well as the fact that relapse happens. It sucks, but it's always a risk with former addicts of any type, and right now you need her help. Your loved ones should be pillars of support in times of weakness, not the first ones to judge and distrust you.
  12. It's normal to wake up aroused from dreaming.
  13. Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. Regressing back to porn isn't a problem if you find a way to bounce back. Every time we fall is a learning opportunity and a chance to become more resilient for when things get hard once again. And they will. One bit of advice: don't feel like you "should" feel like anything. Studying is boring. Nobody wants to study. It's OK to feel that way. You'll do it anyway because passing the exam is important to you, but it's OK to not enjoy the process of getting there. Attaching an expectation of how something should feel or how excited we should be is the very thing that causes us stress. We don't have the experience we think we should have and we get upset over that. I think you've got this. Keep up the fight!
  14. I'm not so sure. I saw some real progress from you over the past few weeks but it looks like you've slipped a little bit. I used to think like this: that I'm the one who will treat a woman right. I'll do everything for her. She'll never want for anything again. She'll know so much love and affection that she'll feel sorry for all the women out there who have men who treat them like shit. Wanna know who these types of people typically are? Doormats. They're the type of people who have no ambition and do nothing for themselves and treat their woman like a goddess. They are at their every beck and call. When she says jump, they say how high. The novelty doesn't take long to wear off. Where at first the woman appreciates all the attention, love, respect, etc., she quickly realizes she's getting it for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he's desperate, maybe he just jumps for the first woman who looks at him. This guy means well, but he doesn't realize his behaviour is self-sabotaging. Yes, a woman wants to feel loved and appreciated. She also wants to feel special. She wants to be able to say "I'm so lucky! This guy is so busy doing all the incredible things he's doing with his life and STILL he chooses to spend some time with me as well!" If everything you ever do in your life is for her, she'll either milk you for everything you're worth or leave you altogether because she feels you're not worth her time. She doesn't want nor need you to be there for her all the time. It's not about being busy for the sake of being busy. It's about being busy because you have things in your life that you value. That are important to you and that you're working towards. Goals and ambitions are sexy, and high quality women are very much drawn to men with them because it shows her that the man also thinks very highly of himself and has a great deal of self-esteem and self-confidence. You have a great deal of anger towards others that you need to resolve. Sooner or later that's going to come out with your girlfriend as well. It's going to happen for the most nonsensical reason and you're not going to understand why it came to it, but you're going to flip out on her for something silly and neither of you will understand what happened. I also think you lack self-esteem. It isn't about what you've accomplished. Measuring your self-esteem based on your deeds is a very hollow endeavour. I can't say what contributes to a high self-esteem because quite frankly it even mystifies me. I just know that practising self-care leads to higher self-worth. Engaging in hobbies that leave you feeling a sense of accomplishment and feeling good about yourself for doing them is another way as well I think. I think you've got a high level of self-awareness and that will help you. You understand what's going on within you and that will help you to identify areas that need to be worked on. I just think you'd do well to channel your energy into more positive attitudes and mindsets. Right now you're full of anger, hatred and bitterness towards seemingly everyone and everything. There isn't a self-respecting woman in the world who would ever be attracted to that once she learned about it.