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DaBest

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Everything posted by DaBest

  1. Day I don't know. I'm struggling really, really hard right now. I just want to be numb forever. I've basically been trying to escape reality hardcore for the past few weeks. I go to work, go to therapy, go to improv, go home. When I get home, I tune out. This feels terrible. I'm always stressed, and it feels like my body wants to explode. This is a pathetic excuse for a post, but I'm going to try and get outside of my house in the next thirty minutes.
  2. Day 155 No VG - 155 days, No SAH - 0 days, NF - 2 days, No SIB - 0 days, OMPM - 2 days I got called into work at midnight last night, right before I was going to bed. Didn't get back until 4, so I am very tired today. Going to bed early. Discipline! Also saw my therapist today. It was a helpful session, and I got a lot off my chest. I feel a bit better now.
  3. Day 154 No VG - 154 days, No SAH - 0 days, NF - 1 day, No SIB - 0 days (I messed this up quite a bit), OMPM - 1 day This week was really hard. I was not disciplined. My sleep was all messed up this week, and I broke a lot of habits. I craved the computer and internet and escapism very badly. I caved big time. I barely left my house too. I have had very little energy to do much. It's the silence when I come home and wake up that kills me. I hate being home and alone. I do need to sleep every night though, so I can't avoid it completely. For the rest of the night, I'm going to get off the computer, call home, take care of some errands and meditate a bit. This will be a good start to start bringing myself back up again.
  4. Day 148 No VG - 148 days, No SAH - 0 days, NF - 3 days (3/7), No SIB - 3 days (25/28), OMPM - 5 days Today was busy. It's a work day. That's how things go. Had an improv practice AND show on Sunday which greatly improved my mood. I needed to be around people. I'm enjoying the mini-meditations. It's good as it stops the overly-critical self-analysis for a little bit. This will be good for everything in the future, especially in going out. Struggling hard with sports all of a sudden though. My goal for this now is one day.
  5. Thanks @Icandothis! Day 146 No VG - 146 days, No SAH - 0 days, NF - 1 day, No SIB - 1 day (23/26), OMPM - 3 days Had a bit of an up and down 48 hours. Bit of a backslide, to be honest. Sports have been hard to not follow given the time of year. I need to double down so I don't start wasting all my time. Went out tonight and was reasonably confident, really looking forward to going out, but when I got there, I felt so completely alone and was instantly stuck in my head. I spoke to no one and left. Really mad at myself right now. I felt so bad when I saw almost everyone there in a group of friends. I don't have that in my life and it wrecks me. When I was walking back to the train, I just saw groups of people everywhere--on the sidewalk, in restaurants, in bars---and I just felt so alone and heartbroken. I had a passing thought to throw myself in front of a bus. I feel trapped in my own mind and stifled. I want to open up to the world, but part of me is so afraid to. I want to be able to approach people confidently and out of curiosity--not out for validation or any of that BS. And I was aware of that when I left my apartment tonight! And that was all gone in just a flash once I stepped inside. Approaching one person or two people is hard enough, let alone whole groups. I have no idea what I'm doing there. This is how I feel right now, right or wrong. On the bright side though, I got to experience a situation I was very uncomfortable with. I ran away, which is bad, but I'll be better prepared for that next time, and hopefully I'll catch my irrationality in the act. I also was better prepared for this week, as all my going out shirts were cleaned yesterday! I also was dressed really well, and thought I looked pretty good before I left. I am not going to give up. I will overcome this.
  6. Day 144 No VG - 144 days, No SAH - 39 days, NF - 12 days (12/14), No SIB - 12 days (22/24), OMPM 1 day Yesterday I was at work for 17 hours. However, I helped save a lot of money for the company, so that was good. It felt good to push through and be heroic for a change. Had improv class tonight, felt a little more confident there than usual. Still really tired from yesterday, so I'm going to keep this short, but I am quite proud of my last 48 hours.
  7. Day 142 No VG - 142 days, No SAH - 37 days, NF - 10 days (10/14), No SIB - 10 days (20/22), OMPM - 1 day Busy day at work--14 hours. Did my meditation this morning. Felt better for it. That's it.
  8. Day 141 No VG - 141 days, No SAH - 36 days, NF - 9 days (9/14), No SIB - 9 days (19/21), [OMPM] I got a lot done after work today. Funny how that happens when you have time. Therapy, errands, dishes, workout, medical research, now journaling. To be honest though, this is burning the candle a bit at both ends. Had a very good therapy session today. Was reminded of how often I beat myself up and never take the time to build myself up. Ironically, when I think about it, in some ways I do less in terms of risk taking and true growth when I beat myself up and aim for perfect, and I spend almost zero time actually building myself up. If I were more confident in myself, I'd do a lot more and push myself more. So to that end I am going to start doing one minute of positive meditation every morning. By positive meditation, I mean spending a minute of time actually thinking about things that make me feel good about myself, even if it ends up being the same three things over and over again. I'll see if that fights the insecurity I have. The goal is going to be very small so I can make sure I stay consistent and to ingrain better thought loops. I'm only committing to thirty days as an experiment. This will also be the first time that I add something to my day instead of subtract, so that's cool too. Anyway, I REALLY need to go to bed. I'm going to have a late day at work tomorrow.
  9. Day 140 No VG - 140 days, No SAH - 35 days, NF - 8 days (8/14), No SIB - 8 days (18/20) Last night was weird. I ended up ripping my main going-out shirt by doing a quick flex in the mirror before going out. Not even at the seam--in the middle by the elbow! I guess I am the Hulk. Normally, I'd say this would be my excuse to stay in, but clearly I just needed to put on another shirt. Small problem. All my other going out shirts are in the laundry. At this point, I did a quick load of laundry, and I was out the door, though it took an hour. Once I got to the train, I discovered that several stations were effectively shut down for repairs, and that there was a much slower bus service going into the city. Given that it was very late at this point, I would've only been able to be at the club for about an hour. I didn't go because of this--and that was a DUMB decision. In retrospect, I still should've went. An hour is better than nothing. I just got irrational in the moment. Next time, I will be prepared for that self deception. Today went well enough though. I got up at a reasonable hour and got a ton of chores done before lunch. Had an improv practice that I bombed at, but I learned a lot from it so that was good. I felt very stifled, and I'll have to learn to get over that. Afterwards, I had a great workout at the gym. I had several moments today where I wanted to start checking my phone for sports stuff, but I was good and didn't break my streak. Anyway, I'm up a bit late because I was doing some medical research, so off to bed now. I will do better this week.
  10. Day 139 No VG - 139 days, No SAH - 34 days, NF - 7 days!!!, No SIB - 7 days (17/19) I've been so busy recently that I haven't had much time to journal. I can finally sit for a few minutes so here goes. Work is a monster. I ended up responding to an emergency on Thursday that ended up going to 1 AM, and I wasn't even on-call. Yesterday, after I got home and took a nap, I found out another really bad thing happened at work and will eat up all of my time next week. It's a frustrating feeling as it stops me from working on what I really want to. That said, I think I handled the issues of this past week better--I don't think I complained as much. I had a couple of urges to watch game VODs and sports recently, but I was able to dodge them. I didn't want to ruin my streaks, and I didn't want to waste my time. I'm realizing how much important my time is now. On the subject of time, I spent a good portion of it focusing on my health this week, which is good. I got to the gym TWICE during the work week which is something I haven't done in a long time, maybe even this whole year. Today I got a two hour hip workout in on top of an actual ab workout on top of that, and I'm feeling pretty good as a result. My hips are feeling a bit better while sitting, which is good, and I'm noticing less clicking and popping that I'm accustomed to. I'm starting to really getting into fixing my body from all the abuse I've caused it, which is great since the results are so tangible. I want to make sure I go out tonight. I ended up staying in last night. I need to make sure I start going on Friday's regardless of the situation of how tired I am and just sleep in on Saturdays. So I guess overall this week went pretty well, though there's still some areas for improvement.
  11. Hi Blab! Welcome and good call on doing a detox. Not going to lie, these first couple of weeks are going to be really hard, but you can do this. Try to spend more time outside of your house if you can, or at least create some physical distance between yourself and your games. Best of luck!
  12. Day 136 No VG - 136 days, No SAH - 31 days (+1 test day). NF - 4 days (4/7), No SIB - 4 days (14/16) Things have been very busy recently. I was very sleep deprived this whole week. Thankfully, my company had a barbecue today and I just skipped it for a 5 hour nap (glorious). Took a "test day" for sports on day 30. I did not go overboard this time, which is great progress. I felt boredom, and I felt like I was still just chasing away negative feelings and trying to escape. So I'm signing up for another thirty days of that. I'm also quite proud of how little I've stayed in bed recently. I honestly don't know if I've ever been like this before. I've saved a lot of money and stress by doing so. I've also laid off the Japanese a bit recently because of how tired I was. I was concerned I was treating it like a video game, but that seems to have stopped because studying is much harder than vegetating in front of a TV/computer. Going to focus on getting more sleep, going to bed now.
  13. Day 133 No VG - 133 days, No SAH - 29 days, NF - 1 day (1/7), No SIB - 1 day - (11/13) Bit of an up and down weekend and I'm very short on time right now. Friday, slept. So tired. Saturday, started off very bad. Pulled it together after getting to the gym. Had a good improv show. Got home at 3:30 AM because I had to help a coworker after that. Sunday, early (abrupt) gym sesh, great improv practice, chores. Need to sleep. Bye. Maybe I'll elaborate tomorrow.
  14. Yeah, it sucks when one realizes that their parents have all these issues, and that they decided to raise children despite it. It's not like they're aware of it, but having been through similar it makes me realize I really need to get myself sorted out before I ever attempt anything like that. All that baggage can get sent over to the next generation if they're not careful. However, you realized this, and that puts you in a select minority who can do something about it. Focus on bettering yourself and find the role models and mentors that will make you grow into a better person. You'll never be able to change your parents or your friends, but all the information you need to become a happy, functioning adult is out there. How has staying away from gaming been going, by the way?
  15. Day 130 No VG - 130 days, No SAH - 26 days, NF - 10 days (10/14), No SIB - 7 days (9/10) Not too much to report for today. As tiring as it is to say over and over again, work is busy. I came to realize I might be working with a very manipulative person who can be quite dangerous. I need to keep my distance as much as possible. On the bright side though, I felt reasonably productive. I also had a bit of an urge today to start checking NFL stuff since it's starting tonight. Maybe I'll go into the city on Sunday to catch a game. Stretching is also going well. Very difficult, but I can feel a difference. I'm going to have to put a lot of hours into that.
  16. Day 129 No VG - 129 days, No SAH - 25 days, NF - 9 days (9/14), No SIB - 6 days (8/9) Last night, I ended up doing a two hour routine on my hips after I finished my post, haha. Ironically, my back felt way better this morning when I got up. My hips felt better too, but that was a lot more subtle. Turns out my hip flexors are like piano wires, and that's a bad thing. This is going to require a lot of effort. I did still get a full eight hours of sleep though, so that made me happy. I also realized that I've saved roughly an hour a day when I don't sit in bed on my phone or doing nothing. This has been good, as that means I don't skip breakfast and it also means I'm more likely to prepare my lunch for work. Saves me roughly $10-15 a day. I was throwing away so much money. I also get to leave earlier, which in a way is a positive, too. Quick post since I need to do more chores and stretch.
  17. Day 128 No VG - 128 days, No SAH - 24 days, NF - 8 days (8/14), No SIB - 5 days (7/8) Got up quick today despite staying up til 2:30 AM. I stayed up so late because I may have found a potential solution to hip problems I've been having for the past 12 years. I came across something online that made sense, even if the research isn't all there yet. This is a huge deal for me as a lot of suffering has been caused from not being able to be as active as I want. I have some chores I need to take care of and then I'm going to bed early.
  18. Day 127 No VG - 127 days, No SAH - 23 days, NF - 7 days (FINALLY, 7/7), No SIB - 4 days (6/7) Hit the dopamine button all weekend. A step back really. Found anything I could to distract my mind on the internet and keep me from reality. I don't feel very good for doing what I've done. I feel like the complete opposite of last weekend. However, I did still hit the gym yesterday, though admittedly I left very late and had to cut the workout a little short. I also DID get ready to go out last night after that, but as I was about to leave, I realized the trains stopped a lot earlier than on a Saturday, so I was out of luck really. I was happy that I still got ready and was committed to going out until I realized how impractical it was at that time. Leaving "late" is one of my many hangups, so to have gotten the courage to still go, if it were still a Saturday night, is a nice step in the right direction. ---Monthly review--- Here's a longer review of the past month. This was a very stressful work month. I felt tired quite a bit. Mentally I felt frazzled for much of it. I noticed I was starting to get very angry and jaded at work. I'm feeling angry and jaded right now just thinking about it. I just want things to go right for a change. This next month I hope to complain less. Socially, the month was a bit better too. Snagged my first date in a while. Used Tinder a bit more than usual. Organized an event on my own, which is a habit I need to cultivate more. I went out to a club again, too! I still have a long way to go in this department though. As far as habits are concerned, I do think I saved a lot of time this past month from the no video game and no sports at home habits. I put a lot of that time to studying Japanese as a new hobby though, where really my order of hobbies should be something more like: gym-->social-->improv-->Japanese. In a way, it's become a bit of an escape, because the first three hobbies are way harder and draining, usually. This next month, my goal is to prioritize at least 2 out of the 3 per day, before moving onto Japanese. Overall, I think last month was difficult, but still an improvement over the past few. I would not have handled it as well as I did had I not given up video games and sports.
  19. Day 125 No VG - 125 days, No SAH - 21 days, NF - 5 days (5/7), No SIB - 2 days (4/5) Early post since I'm planning on going out later. I finally signed up for a new gym. Got a good legs/ab workout in. I'm procrastinating a bit from cleaning right now, so I'm doing a post to break the cycle.
  20. Day 124 No VG - 124 days, No SAH - 20 days, NF - 4 days (4/7), No SIB - 1 day (3/4 total) Work was...busy. Back to the grind. I was stuck in the manufacturing space all day, but my work went very well. I had to be very careful and couldn't work on much else though since the work was kind of dangerous. I also got to have a happy hour with a very good friend of mine who thankfully moved pretty close to me, and works right down the road now. I ordered one drink in celebration, and it was really overpoured. I was kind of hungry so I was instantly buzzed. We hung out for a bit as I sobered up. I need a night of sleep though so I'm not going out tonight. Tomorrow I will though. I'm feeling oddly motivated right now. This is probably as I've been doing a better job socially for the past few weeks. The stress of work and where I'm at in life hasn't really subsided, but the ability to connect with people really has taken the edge off. Between that and starting to enjoy facing my fears in short bursts, I feel like I'm growing. I'll probably write a longer post on this tomorrow for the four month review that I've missed.
  21. Day 123 No VG - 123 days, No SAH - 19 days, NF - 3 days (3/7), No SIB - 0 days Work was...not busy! My group, very overworked, had a barbecue today in a park. It was absolutely gorgeous out. No one really talked work, and at least I had fun while I was there. I got to leave a little early and was able to take care of some errands. I got a second wind despite being on two-and-a-half hours of sleep. Sleep procrastination. I'm going to bed now. Really happy about today. I feel human.
  22. Day 122 NO VG - 122 days, NO SAH - 18 days, NF - 2 days (2/7), No SIB - 2 days Got out of bed early again. Work was busy. Blah blah blah. I needed a bit of a break today once I got home. So I just cleaned up a bit. I have a lot I need to take care of though. I am really tired. Today was really mundane.
  23. DaBest

    90 days

    Yeah, it's a bit tricky isn't it? Seemingly small habits can be really difficult to implement when there are unforeseen hangups. I had serious problems doing my dishes in the past. I would routinely let them sit for five days, stink up the joint, and feel overwhelmed by the situation--which was the reason why I wasn't doing the dishes. Woohoo, circular logic! At least for me, the two things that helped were discipline (Re: Jocko Willink), and lots of self-reflection and lifestyle change. I'm nowhere near perfect with this still, but I am a lot better now. One of the big things for me was realizing how terrible I felt when I had a dirty apartment, and how easy it was to start feeling better about myself by simply cleaning (and Re: Jordan Peterson, but this was before I learned of him, too). Also, try and take some more time to figure out what specifically is stalling you, and work to remove the barriers to that. Your problems and reasons probably won't be the exact same as mine, but another thing that will help is just making the goal easier. Sticking with the same example, I started using a dishwasher, which I was originally opposed to. It was less intensive for me, so I ended up cleaning my dishes more. Just some unsolicited thoughts--what you're going through just stuck a chord with me, is all.
  24. Yeah, @Ikar. I agree that it's hard to binge on Duolingo. That requires a bit of thought and effort, and after a while it just feels taxing. I just need to make sure I'm not prioritizing studying Japanese over the other stuff, which I have been recently. It may seem harsh on myself, but I have historically found anything to escape from facing my wrongs and problems. Today was a lot better in that respect. Day 121 No VG - 121 days, No SAH - 17 days, NF - 1 day (1/7), NSIB - 1 day Today was a much different day from the start. Got out of bed (early) after one alarm, and i did not spend an hour sitting in bed before work. Because I got up when I should, I was able to pack a lunch, have breakfast, clean up a little, and actually do my Six Pillars journaling, which I've slacked with quite a bit. Work was busy, that will never change. I need to stop complaining so much at work. It helps absolutely nothing. It inspires negativity. I need to be more mindful of this. When I got home (at a reasonable hour no less, thank you getting up early) I actually prioritized my physical health and social life, by going to the apartment gym and scheduling a happy hour with a good friend I haven't spoken to in a while. It was only after THAT was done that I studied Japanese. I feel much better having done this, then spending three hours just studying Japanese. Escapism is a cruel drug.
  25. Hey, 30 years. Honestly, I cannot possibly imagine what you're going through right now, but reading your response to everything is incredibly inspiring to me. Many would wilt under that kind of pressure, but you're just pushing through. Kudos to you, good sir. You give me hope. Keep doing what you're doing!
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