All Activity

Saturday: December 9, 2023 Despite me saying this yesterday, I never got around to writing the second letter today. I realized that I shouldn't try to rush and speak from the heart about someone who I care about very much. So it'll be a little bit before I'm finally ready to write it. I also received my journal for next year which I'll be using more often to write down more of thoughts as well as other stuff like reminders and stuff like that. I also watched Everything Everywhere All At Once which I thought was a great movie. I did think it went on a bit too long but it was enjoyable to watch from start to finish. I actually did use my switch today but it wasn't for me. It was for my brothers so they could play games while I'm not using it. I don't really count this seeing as how I didn't actually play a game. I almost did but didn't for my better judgement. I still want to start reading audiobooks and there is one I'm actually looking forward to reading. It's just a matter of when I'll get to it. I'm also trying to find new music to listen to that's not the usual stuff I binge. Today wasn't perfect but it was good at the end of the day. These days I always feel like my brain is on autopilot, but I try to make the best I can each and every day.

I'm ashamed to (not) give compliments to others. I'm afraid of being judged by others, in case they overhear it, but also that it comes out as creepy towards the recipient. For example, telling an acquaintance that she is smart, looks good etc. I'm very bad at complimenting myself too, as I think there's nothing praiseworthy for following and executing a plan well.

4th December - 9th December: Still writing. I think I'm making good progress, so I don't have worries about not completing by the end of the year. I also went to the sauna with my girlfriend and another friend and played billiard yesterday. My sleep has been better the last few days, I swapped the mattress I slept on. I think I sometimes get headaches because I don't drink enough before I go to sleep. It's very annoying, as then it lasts the whole next day, so I need to watch that.

I was ashamed of how late I often woke up and how flustered it made me feel for the rest of the day. So I started with a small step of putting my gym clothes on in the morning when my alarm goes off in the other room. I’ve started waking up regularly at the same time now and even exercising in the morning.

I'm pretty ashamed about my weight and how I run out of breath going up the stairs. I'd like to try being more active and want to start slow with some yoga during the week.

Friday: December 8, 2023 Another day of nothing worth of note. I just watched more TV as usual to try and take my mind off video games. I didn't play Persona 5 Royal not one time this past week and honestly I was going to play it today but I didn’t bother going through with it. I don't really know why but it's nothing that major. I also returned to Discord on my alternate account simply because the servers I'm in is not even about gaming most of the time. Part of me feels ashamed about it but I realized I want to continue talking to other people about things that aren't even gaming related. It's about another interest of mine which is too personal to get into. I also was supposed to write my other letter to my friend but I realized I have a lot more to say this time around so I'll get to it tomorrow. Im also starting to realize that the struggles with spending money all the time since no matter how many things you want, it's important to save money for when you really need it. Other than that, a generic Friday which isn't nothing new for me unfortunately but was hoping it could've been a great day at the very least. That sadly wasn't the case.

Thanks for bringing that in- I've not heard that verse, it made me think and feel new things! Thank you for the reminder to keep patient, and continue to exercise my virtues- sometimes, I do throw away what the present offers because it's "not good enough". But that shouldn't be putting me off. And truly, I do hope to expose myself to the tyranny more. Looking into my present with gratitude, but also noticing all of the oppressions it contains is what pushes me forward. Without that, I doubt I'd want to struggle and work so much. And not a day goes without exposing myself to others' oppressions- I am so privileged to be employed, to have 3 meals a day, to have clean water, to be safe from violence. That too, helps me remember why the pain I'm putting myself through is a choice. Thank you so much for giving me your words as an opportunity to reflect and heal 💛

Hey! Thanks for stopping by. I definitely hear you on that- my life isn't all that horrible, by any means. I am very much grateful and using my current situation to my best advantage AND ALSO understand deeply that I want to be elsewhere. I think that there can be room to hold both true. Where I am is a necessary step towards my next destination. And it still sucks. I can't wait to grasp that freedom you're describing- I'm glad you get to enjoy it in your own way! Thank you again for sharing, you made me smile 💛

You know, I've seen you post multiple times now on Yan's diary, and frankly I'm curious to know why you only post roughly once a year and only do so to harass Yan about their journal. Yes, people change their lives by doing things. The biggest change in my life came from cutting something out I didn't need. Did you read anything about how I created silence in my life so that I could hear my own real thoughts, to seek out what was really bothering me deep down? Anything about what the need was that my addiction was filling in my life? If you read anyone else's journals closely, you would realize that most people who are doing things to change their lives have done so after much reflection about why they had their addictions in the first place. Perhaps it's time you dig down yourself as to why you visit this forum only to post negatively about other people trying to change their lives. Many have succeeded. @Pochatok's comments were borne out of genuine concern and support. You do not seem to be here to build others up. If you are, then I would encourage you to post other content besides what you have so far and start your own journal. "Through discipline comes freedom." - Aristotle

Excellent text Pochatok. I share your concerns regarding Yan. It really is a box Yan is building for himself. Control is a word that comes to my mind when I read his journal. Total control. I have noticed some members of GQ think their life is going to get better only by doing things. 10 pomodora session, 30 pushups, cleaning up, strict food schedules, no Youtube etc. I think people should dig deeper. Why is it so scary to lose the control? What is it really that I am trying to control? Yan, what if you would spend one day doing nothing? Just lay down or go for a walk for few hours without screens or other distractions and listen to yourself. What comes to your mind? How does it feel in your body? What it tells about you if you can’t lay down for few hours doing nothing? At least I hope you won’t spend rest of your life doing minimum of 10 pomodora session each day and running your days through with a stopwatch. Sounds miserable life.

Days 92-93 - Wednesday and Thursday (yesterday) While I don't wish to speak too soon, I do want to reflect on how I'm feeling - and I'm feeling very good this week about this new habit of waking up. I think doing it every day is what is helping the most with consistency, which is why I want to continue the behavior over the weekend. I'm not even really doing it in the order I originally prescribed: I wake up to the alarm, weigh myself, go downstairs and take a picture of the coffee pot to shut off my alarm, grab my water bottle, then come back upstairs and put on my gym clothes. By that time, I'm pretty much awake. I guess it doesn't matter. If that's the way the habit is formed, then it's fine by me. I am more awake now when I start work, and I feel good about being able to work the full day and not be anxious about when I'm going to exercise. In fact, this is the first week in a while where I have completed all 4 workouts. Lately I had only been completing 3 - sometimes just 2. This week I've done all 4 plus stretching. I feel great. I think I'm sleeping better, too. I've even been going to bed roughly around the same time. I believe this feeling is me slowly flipping the other two levers in the habit chain: make it attractive, and make it satisfying. Each night as I prepare my shake, electrolyte drink, and set the gym the way I want it, I am preparing my mind for the next day. When all those things are in place, I wake up ready to go. I'm going to push hard to keep this consistent for the next two weeks, as I think I read somewhere that a behavior really starts to become a habit after 21 days. I want to crave the feeling of waking up to exercise, and I think I'm already starting to experience that.

I quit gaming and started watching porn heavily. It made me realize I had a porn addiction as well as gaming and I had to go to therapy to come up with healthy stress outlets.

When I first quit gaming I started looking back to things that made me happy. It's kind of weird, but I didn't even associate anything that made me happy with the 15 years of gaming. I instantly went back to legos. So it takes some trial and error.

Entry 7.12 (Written on 8.12) Day 440: No Useless Videos Day 438: Sticking to Food schedule Day 41: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 31: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -4.5 hrs deliveries (+ half an hour more when apartment mate cancelled meeting 30 minutes before, because taking into consideration that half an hour of deliveries will be cut when we'll meet instead of this time) -10 pomodoros again. finishing first review of script. Finally! I've been taring at it very long =/ -Going to fix bike brakes, even though unplanned and even though the mechanic was eventually busy and didn't get to fixing it 1 Thing I could do better Get back home at 22 15 the latest to still have enough time to floss and GQ

Thursday: December 7, 2023: Another day with nothing worth of note. Didn't really do any new stuff today tbh. I've been trying to spend my money on other stuff that's not video games which is the first thing I'll spend it on in the past. I ended up buying some new PJs to wear cause of the holiday season as well as a journal for next year so I can write more of my thoughts rather than typing them down like I'm used to doing. I also watched Spy Kids 4 which was as great as I remember it and restarted my rewatch of Empire since I had stopped a few months ago. But these aren't really that important tbh since it's just more tv.

Congratulations! Onwards and good luck with your continued journey.

Realization of your current state is the first step, but don’t let it get you down. Know that you have the power to change. There are many people on here as evidence of that.

My friends, Today I complete 93 days without playing videogames and also without watching useless videos on YouTube. I will continue my journey with faith, focus and hope.

Here:

Would love to join- is there a particular place you post? Is it a group or individual thread?

I think I’m slowly starting to identify my core issues with gaming, and perhaps finding some new solutions to have a more positive relationship with the hobby. When I was having my toughest moments with games it was almost always tied to my obsessive way of clearing goals and restarting games. At the slightest sight of imperfection I immediately reset my progress and started over, no matter how far I’d gotten. It was painful because it wasted a lot of time and energy, and as a result my enjoyment. Gaming became some sort of platform for me to prove that I could be perfect, even though it was completely futile. Now that I’ve started playing the F1 games I recognize that the feeling is still there, yet on a very minor scale. After an almost 9 month absence from gaming it’s like my system has rebooted. When the feeling strikes me now it’s rather easy to ignore it and so far I’ve managed to play for more than 30 hours without restarting the game or feeling dissatisfied with the way I’m progressing. I’m missing important texts on-screen, making some poor leveling decisions, having a more chaotic approach to game modes, and yet it doesn’t bother me much. Instead I feel more relieved and calm about it. I also have no issues turning off the game in time for bed; overall my sleep, work and my exercise routine goes very well. I hope this will lead me to a new discovery about myself and my ability to restrain myself. My work with e-sports nowadays has brought me closer to the local indie game market and I’m curious to see if I can manage indie games as well. I’m still afraid of AAA, especially long games with lots of progression and character building, but indie games have a tendency to be short and sweet. One and done, so to speak. They also don’t have the nature of luring you into spending more cash for unnecessary content, which is a big bonus. I know that I’m in a much safer space right now due to my friends and family watching my back. Two of my best friends have insight into my gaming accounts and they ask me about my habits every now and then. My mother has also weighed in and been very supportive. If things start to go wrong I’m confident that I would have some assist rather quickly. And I’m also happy to be part of this community where I can get input on these kind of things, or just have the opportunity to express my inner thoughts. 😌

Wednesday: December 6, 2023 Today was mostly boring and dry tbh. I've been thinking about cutting out habits I'm used to doing like using my phone when taking a shower or using it while eating. I'm going to try and reduce these habits even if it takes a while to get there. I mainly spent the day doing crossword puzzles and watching Netflix which is nothing new for me unfortunately. I realize now how sad my life is since I'm mainly in the house all day and nothing else.

I've flossed my teeth 4 times in the past 2 weeks after writing about it in the shameless Saturday post. It's the most I've flossed in months. I'm really happy about it. I'm also feeling better about my mood overall and how I'm doing in life. I think I'm gonna keep up the posts on Saturdays. I also wrote another chapter of my book.

I just do something like visualization during that time, and then do not stress to finish so quickly 🙂 or meditation in othe cases( but visualization works best cuz it's 30 minutes long 😄

Entry 6.12 Day 438: No Useless Videos Day 437: Sticking to Food schedule Day 40: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 30: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -4.5 hrs deliveries -10 pomodoros again -Washing sheets 1 Thing I could do better Gotta really set deadlines and stick to them, i think i've lost trust in myself partly, since I'm always setting short term goals for the pomodoros and then not meet them somehow... ponder that