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  1. Past hour
  2. Day 34.5 Ughhh, fuck it, sleep it is. If I don't get that stuff done in the morning I'll have a reason to hit myself over the head.
  3. Day 34 Slept in until very late, ended up being a decent night's sleep. Pretty much did nothing the entire afternoon (Going to pull up the "hey it's sunday" on this one), which in itself isn't an issue. It only bothers me that it was because I binge watched irrelevant youtube videos. It was clearly filling in time instead of appreciating it. I did pull back a habit I had back when I was in engineering: in Canada, the cinema was super cheap and the people were always heartwarming. So I thought, what the heck, might as well go out, get some cold fresh air and watch a movie. So for the first time in the two years I've studied at Lille, I've gone to watch a movie at the cinema. I think that says a lot about how I handle recreation and my free time, because I'm an avid movie watcher and considered going into film studies a while back. It was a refreshing experience, both figuratively and litteraly. It feels good to get a bowl of sub-zero fresh air every once in a while, and just sit back and enjoy something - something you know is time well spent relaxing. I think that's a difference I need to start making: I need to cut the fat between activties that are simple time-consumers and which really don't serve their purpose of being enjoyable and relaxing (anything which involves passively consuming content from the couch at this point - looking at you, youtube) from healthier, dynamic, and genuinely enjoyable activties. I'll make a sidenote on youtube. Maybe not tonight, but I will definately look into making a new youtube account void of gaming related content, or other irrelevant and time consuming subjects. I mostly watch youtube on TV through an app, so no plugins for me. As I've stated before I believe, youtube has seemingly somewhat filled the void which gaming left in my habits. I've got to keep challenging these bad habits with new activties, and in essence learning to not only recognise when I'm becoming passive to my own content (i.e. going from watching a single video to binge watching irrelevant stuff), but more importantly to act upon it and do something else. I think this "skill" can extend to other areas as well. As stated before, I have issues focusing on a single task. Recognising and acting upon lack of focus to recenter my efforts can definately help. In other words, being more lucid about myself, and acting upon it. That's a point I've mentioned multiple times to psychologists I've seen, without being able to make any conclusions. I restrict myself from meeting new people, engaging in new activities, going places I haven't been to before because I have this need deep down to appear as a "veteran" or a "guy who's been there before". I have this innate fear of being "the new guy" for some reason, one which I haven't been able to determine as of yet. And therefore, even though I hate show-offs, even though I've been educated to be modest and event though I believe myself to be mostly modest, I've been repeatedly told that I come off as proud and show-off, coincidentally always in situations where there would be a need for me to do so: meeting friends of friends whom I've never met before, joining some random sports club, talking to new people in a sports club I've been at for a while, even the damn hairdresser. I guess putting a finger on why I behave like this and what caused that behaviour originally could be an interesting development. In terms of my opinion of myself, I would say it's more an issue of wasted potential than anything else. I fail to meet the standards of what I want others to see me as, but more importantly there's this huge gap between what I am and what I want to be - which is often what I can be. Except usually procrastination stands in the way. I was about to move to another thought and leave that previous point as it was, but my mind drifted for a second and I ended up looking at the pictures from the conference we shared with each other. There's this picture of me looking sharp as hell, but my hair is doing its usual thing going AWOL, it's become a bit of a running joke among us (celtic genes oblige - I have a clusterfuck of a bird's nest on my head at times). I've had a bit of a history of being unsatisfied with my hair when I needed to look sharp for whetever reason (internships, dates, events, etc), and it got me thinking. I think the issue is that I attribute everything that is not going to optimal way in my life to me failing to meet what I want. In other words, everything that goes wrong in my life is - in my head at least - because my performance in some area was subpar and needs to be improved. I think that's what I could define as perfectionism in my own case. I just do not leave any space for "it's life - shit happens" moments or "it's not the end of the world" or "well that guy just made a shit joke too": everything is a failure on my end that can and needs to be fixed. Then again, is it not natural and healthy (to an extent) for someone to try and improve himself and seek out what's going wrong? I don't know, I've thought over too much over these last few paragraphs and my opinion is getting muddled at this point. I'll leave it at that. In regards to organisation, I just thought of a fun way to handle tasks. I'm going to try and find a way to blu-tak post-it staks to the wall in some walls of my appartment, and get in the habit of grabbing one and making quick-disposable to-do-lists if my mind gets overcrowded. Hopefully I get around to actually doing it instead of blabbering about it. I'm actually curious as to what made you think that? I have had pretty extreme issues with my mother (when I mentionned the police in my intro post - it had to do with her) and our relationship is still tense and full of misunderstandings at times. However my father has always been the patient kind and usually tries to be a non-aligned force of calm. I have been irritated and frustrated to see him side with my mother on multiple occasions in the past few years. A part of me believes that it is his way of admitting that my mother is also at fault (either due to character or the effects of old age coming in), and that I'm the easier variable to work on. It has however had the effect of making me feel as the heart of the issue, when clearly my mother behaves in unacceptable and provocative ways (to which no one could possibly not escalate). Closing that big sidenote, I did feel quite sad this evening when I went out for a movie. Going through the cold of Lille on a Sunday evening just made me realise how lonely I felt. I definately have a couple of core, reliable friends, but as I've stated previously, I lack initiative. Sometimes because I'm afraid, sometimes because it's simply not what I'm used to. That leads to me rarely proposing to do anything, and I don't have other people's habits of spontaneously and genuinely keeping touch with people. And that scares me a bit to be honest. Several times I've attempted to commit to keeping in touch with friends I don't regularly see, but it always felt fake and unnatural, and I never manged to keep it up for long. My last relationship died out due to a mix of gaming addiction and long distance relationship issues - and as I alluded to just now, I have a hard time maintaining relationships with people I don't see physically on a regular basis. So yeah, it hit pretty hard in an otherwise enjoyable moment. Loneliness is both a blessing and a curse I guess: it definately contributes to keeping my mind calm, giving me time to "socially relax", yet it also contributes to the void I often feel in my life. Anyways I'll sign off here. I've procrastinated after dinner, and I really just want to go to sleep (it's 2a.m). But I also don't want to pass the things I said I would do.
  4. Today
  5. You've got this!
  6. Currently studying at starbucks cuz couldnt focus at home :] Prepped for interviews and did some hwk yestrday, This was a lazy weekend. I really need to get out of the house at weekends >_<
  7. Grateful that you're here. Will be following your journal.
  8. In the process of updating the GQ logo so that's been delayed a bit. I like "real life is the only life you have".
  9. Welcome! :)
  10. Yesterday
  11. May be, you could try to get rid of the guilt. It sounds like the feeling of guilt might be one reason why you turn to games again. Like, you game for a day, well happens. But than you feel guilty and than, you numb that feeling of guilt with more gaming. It is just an idea, but may be, you could try to forgive yourself. If necessary, write a letter to yourself, explaining why you were playing again. Than, you try to forgive yourself. You could try it. If it works, you could apply it to other parts of your life too. Make a mistake, learn from it, shake it off and continue what you were doing before the mistake happened. Quitting games, letting go of an addiction is not a thing that you work on and than its done. Every day, you abstain. You say "no, thank you". And many people relapse. I relapsed multiple times and like you, every relapse was necessary and kinda helpful, because after every time, I learned a little something about myself. If you are impatient, try to train your patience. ;) I am sure there are tiny exercises to improve your patience. Aside from that - again - you do not have to feel guilty. You are not quitting video games because you must, but because you want to. You are not a failure, only because you relapsed. After all, you did play for a couple of days. Back in days, you played every day, right? So there is quite some improvement. And you will improve more and more over time. It is a tough quest, but you are doing it, girl! :)
  12. @Primmulla No idea if the question is still pending or not but yeah it's totally worth trying. Books and videos are totally capable of teaching everything you need to know. But it takes commitment and I'd advise you to have fun drawing and creating your own stuff. Skill and style develops over time and your first drawings will probably suck :) I remember my brother not even being able to guess that the T-Rex I drew (I was convinced that the drawing was amazing) was a dinosaur. Here's something to give you a starting point https://www.davidrevoy.com/article242/what-skills-are-needed-to-draw Don't be intimidated by all those different skills - just focus on one at a time and have fun with it.
  13. So... Where do I begin? Things got really really bad with my family and I decided I HAD to get out of there, no matter what. I was at the end of my rope and I felt like I was going to either snap or have a complete meltdown. So, thanks to the support of my family, I signed some papers in August to be put on a waiting list to move into an apartment in Kansas. Not just any place in Kansas, a small town of 7,000 people where my Aunt Works AT the same place I'll be living! It's the housing authority and they take disabled so it was a great opportunity. I hadn't accepted it before because I was scared I guess. Afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of myself, or maybe that I'd end up making too many mistakes. Anyway, in October I was approved to move in. By the end of October, I was moved all the way from Oklahoma to Kansas and most of my belongings moved with me. (My apartment is much smaller than my apartment at the house was so I had to leave some stuff behind, but I like it a lot, its super cute!) Once I moved here, I kept expecting to hear my mom screaming or my brother breaking things but... silence. I found peace quite quickly after about a week. Peace I haven't known in 15 years. My aunt has always been here for me since moving here. My life completely flipped upside down once I was here, in the best way possible. From being in my room constantly to being invited to events, actually OPENING my windows, talking to people nearly every day, eating the way I wanted and most importantly, seeing myself and my life change before my eyes. Looking back at this Journal, I almost feel disconnected to the person I was back then. Like it was some bad dream or somebody else's life. I think for the first time in a long time, I'm aware of myself. I'm not trying so hard to pretend I don't exist that I start to believe it. Right now I'm enrolled in a class called "Personal and Professional Development" and I feel like I've already noticed some change within me just from the few times I've been. I'm more grateful for the small things and try to see the good side of every situation. Besides, My life now is so much easier than it was back in October. Still though, once moving here and after the initial peace, there was anxiety and a lot of it. I was saying "sorry" after nearly every sentence and I was awkward and always worrying about "What if". What if I can't keep my place clean? What if I ask too much of my Aunt? What if I don't make any friends? What if I can't do this....? Well, after being here a few months, a lot of that has faded, though some still remain. Mostly about keeping my place clean since I'm not very good at that and it's in the rules. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to not only tell you about what's been going on, but also admit that I've fallen completely back into gaming. After my last post, things at home got even worse. To the point where I didn't even want to live anymore. Luckily, I found the courage to move, but while I was trying to keep myself from completely losing it, I turned to gaming once again. After the move, I didn't play for about a month. I was too happy enjoying all of my new freedoms and the peaceful quiet. After that, I started again, but this time, because I missed my friends and also because it was too cold to really see the town. So boredom and loneliness I suppose. Though I did notice a change in my gaming. I gamed before for escapism, but now I seem to be a lot more light hearted with games. I even enjoyed a game I hated previously. In any case, I can clearly see I can never play video games again. When I do, I ignore my responsibilities, spend WAY too much money *I literally have 26$ in my bank due to games this month...* and I forget to take care of myself *meds, brushing hair, etc* I've been trying to figure out what else to do but I just don't know. Small town, new people, etc.I have friends here, but most of them are over 60... maybe all of them. Though I cherish all of them dearly, I want a friendship with somebody who shares my interests, but NOT my love of gaming. Somebody to exercise with, explore with and maybe even go to the library with! xD I'm weird. But mostly I'd like to find somebody here who shares my spiritual beliefs, at least a little more than 90% of the population does. This town is 99% Christian, which is awesome and wonderful but I don't share their beliefs and it can be a little lonely. The only Wiccan in the entire town. But it's not like I can go asking... People would probably be pretty upset with me and I can guarantee I'd lose friendships. I don't want to be ostracised from a town that I love with all my heart and people with amazing hearts and kindness. I just wish I could find one person... On that note, I must say though that I love the methodist church here. They are the most giving people ever. Not only is my PPD class there, but also the free Wednesday meals for THE ENTIRE TOWN and the bell they have the rings is SO lovely that I open my windows to hear it even when it's 13 degrees outside. Anyway, My appologies if that was a bit too much to read. Just so much has changed, it's hard to put it all into a short explanation. In ending, I just want to say that I have decided to quit... forever. I am going to give it my all.
  14. Wood Elf Druid called Ocimum Sanctum ^_^ I'm all about them 'erbs. The last 5 days have been very fulfilling for me. I gave 5 workshops in 7 days and I still have one more to go. Every workshop I was able to connect with my audience and pass on some knowledge. I've rediscovered one of my old hobbies, painting warhammer miniatures. Throw in daily exercise and meditation and Iife is pretty grand! Game Free Days: 10 Feelings: Content, chill and curious Tasks for the evening: Take a herbal bath and smoke a joint :D Good luck to everybody else in this no-gaming community!
  15. 1/25/18 Day 47) Still no video games. Chugging along. Like Cam has said, its not a magic fix, and you have to fill your life with useful and meaningful alternatives. Working on that part.
  16. Intent. Your intent behind playing games is not in the right place, rather than using them to enjoy or unwind you are using them to escape. If you're using an activity (any) to escape what you should be doing, such as dealing with anxiety or chores or work etc, then that's why that empty feeling ensues. Having the right intent falls under deliberate living, making sure you make decisions for the right reason etc. You're now opening the door for some serious personal development! If you're into podcasts, the Minimalists talk a lot about intent and living deliberately.
  17. I’ve been playing video games. Well, sort of. I quit for 5 days until I started to play on Friday or Saturday. I don’t remember which day I relapsed. It felt great but then I ended up feeling guilty after a few hours of playing. But then I kept doing it. Even though I felt guilty for playing, I still played the next day after I reflected and said I wouldn’t play anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t just quit. Some people are successful at quitting and some people aren’t. Is it because I want to progress in real life? Because I want to make money because making money in any game I play is pointless because I never have any “gold” because I keep buying what I don’t need. I'm even too impatient to get the things I need in the game because it takes too long. How am I supposed to cope with that in real life when it's even slower? What I did notice was that whenever I play an MMO and I progress, I just give up in the middle or near the end, poor and annoyed. I'm wondering if this is a reflection of my life or how I'm perceiving it.
  18. Thanks Info and Marco for the suggestions. It helps to know others are working through the same challenges and have found activities that work for them. So I had a very challenging weekend and didn’t meet my goal. I was doing well until Friday, when I was admitted into hospital for a planned procedure. Thursday was a real challenge as I had to take medication for the next day and could do nothing but sit around. I did manage to get through it. After the procedure the following day I couldn’t do much again so when the urge to game hit me I justified playing by telling myself it was just for that day and I’d be back into my detox the following day. As you can imagine, it didnt work out, and while I reduced my gaming on the weekend through walking and reading (including going to our new local library) I did still game. So now the work week has started and I’m back onto the detox. While I didn’t succeed I’m consoling myself with the knowledge that there were unusual challenges that made this extra hard. Having said that, I have learned a couple of key points: 1. There will always be a challenge. I think you can fool yourself into using those challenges to justify gaming. I imagine this is the case for addicts of many different kinds. 2. My challenge at the moment is having alternative activities for gaming. This includes things to do if you can’t get out and about. I certainly got caught out on this front. 3. Gaming covers up uncomfortable feelings, and that is definitely one reason I do it. While lying on the operating trolley outside the theatre I felt my anxiety and thought if I had my phone and games I wouldn’t have to worry about the anxiety. Instead what I did was meditate and realised that anxiety was part of the experience, and that gaming was just avoiding that experience, and therefore, really, life itself. This is a reason why gaming is so addictive for me, it takes the mind away from those challenging thoughts. So now I’m rebooting knowing that while this weekend wasn’t successful, I can get through (I did the 4 full days beforehand) but I need to identify my go-to activities and know that the subconscious mind will attempt to justify any reason for me to game. I guess that is the power of addiction and habit. Overcoming that will be a challenge but more of an achievement than anything earned in game.
  19. Day #2: Put together my first portfolio today. Gotta say, turned out better than I first thought. Additionally I decided to buy myself a native american flute and finally learn to play myself (mostly for meditation). Meanwhile the two people I mostly played with think that I've gone crazy because I told them that I stopped playing. (I wonder how long it will take till they call the psychiatrist?:/ ) I totally gotta learn how to use my time more efficiently because I surely wasted more than an hour doing nothing today - I literally don't even remember where I was at that time..... Tomorrow I'll spend most of the day driving home and stopping by at my grandma's place for a visit. And before I get into doing project stuff for the rest of the evening (mainly texturing in maya3d) here's today's gratitude list: - still no urges to play - a place to call my home - all the amazing people that helped me get this far - the month I got to spend with my family - the people I share my house with - cereals (loads of cereals) - a full tank of fuel in my car - sooo no filling up tomorrow - tea - the song "I may Fall" from RWBY - Vexento's music because it always brings a great mood Cya tomorrow!
  20. Important. What other people see in you is not really in the radius of your local control, but... you will not be a hoax unless you see yourself as a hoax. So the next question should be, why does a part of you see you as a hoax? Or, why do you have to come across as the perfect guy to feel ... valid? Meditate about these questions. I mean it, sit in a quite room, in front of a blank wall and simply ask yourself this question. Than, wait. If you feel the need to distract yourself, if you feel that your mind wanders off, ask again. The answer might not come to you as one phrase, but your subconscious will deliver an answer over time. That is why I keep harassing you to use your damn journal. ;) I mean it, write your thoughts out. Things will clear up and you will understand why you do what you do. You simply need to write it out or talk about it, but since you said, that this is the place where you feel secure discussing the addiction issues, wriiiiiite. (No pressure though :D) Train it. Take any situation possible. Especially those that cause the urge to procrastinate. If the workload seems to be huge in your head, put it on a piece of paper. A folded, simple blank sheet and a pen is all you need. Split the workload into simple goals. "Need to iron my pants" and "need to do the dishes". Take 5 or 10 minutes to prepare your list. Than rewrite it and put it into order. That might sound dumb, but it is useful in different kinds of ways: The workload in your head will grow. Take your last trip to the US for example. You thought about having to iron your suite. Than you thought of something else, than again, something else, something else aaaand than about having to iron your suite again. You keep reminding yourself of what you have not done yet and it stacks every time. The more often you think about it, the more important it will become. And at some point, a simple thing like ironing your suite will be a fucking huge thing to do. With such an amount of importance, that it will scare you. If you put it on paper however, you can totally forget about it, as long as you remember that there is stuff on your piece of paper. Thus, it will stay the easy task it is. Also, after putting up this list, try to fulfill the tasks as soon as possible. No pressure, but asap. When you have the time to do it and nothing better to do, do it. No thinking about how you feel about it. You got the time, you do it. The more you act like this, the more confident you will become in getting stuff done. The more you procrastinate, the lesser the chance you actually do it. And of course: Keep doing it this way to create a habit. Start with easy stuff. After eating, do your dishes. If you got the time, do it. I really like this last entry of yours. It shows that the journal can do its magic and it shows, that you grow. And you do grow. I like it. One last thing ... it might be a bit ... direct but ... is there some unresolved issue with your dad?
  21. Day 50 Yeah! Day 50! Clean the home and rest. No coding and reading, just chilling and watching some Youtube videos :)
  22. Life hax Day 35 It’s snowing, and some crazy people are running a half-marathon in the streets. I guess they’re showing dedication.
  23. TL;DR
  24. Day #3 Today I am grateful for: Wi-Fi VGRM Report: Still good but today was a struggle for sure, after seeing the amount of work I need to do to catch up in the next few days... I'm going to aim for a short run tomorrow, destroy my knees for health
  25. Basically, to people who have achieved a far milestone, this is only my first step. As I would further progress on my quitting, I would find more ways to rebuild it on gaming. Currently I learn piano and am Grade 5, with a theory exam coming up next month. I'm wondering if that could help with my addiction breaking?
  26. Hello there! I have just joined this forum recently, and for a fact many of the statements hit me like a truck. As a mobile gamer (don't you haters say anything :D) I was frequently indulged in shooting games and whatever digital which was fun. It was a dangerous path for me since I could be addicted at anything (except smoking, adultery, drugs... DEFINITELY :/) I am a local Chinese from Malaysia, and whilst studying in middle school, and I want to share a quick experience as to my progress towards quitting gaming: I was eleven back then, and (since my school is international) I just went up to Form One. Many students from different schools came by, and I got my first smartphone from my parents. Like many starters, I started off with a determination that I shouldn't use the phone for gaming. When I was even younger I used to play Star Wars Commander on my iPad, and one of the only things that pulled me back to the right track was the guidance and lessons of my parents. As months went by, my focus started to swivel. The Google Play Store was like a heaven of games, full of a BIG RANGE from first person shooters to MOBAs. I wasn't aware of it's effects back then, since I was a daredevilish fellow. At school, friends would recommend me which games were fun, (and like the articles I have read from GameQuitters), they bonded my social relationships in school. However, it always stayed within that circle. I was as blind as a bat, and peer influence always pulled me back in. Just like the famous sayings have gone, "Actions speak louder than words." Once again my parents started to see me change in my appearance, my emotions, my attitude. I was like a different person. I didn't feel that I lost another few dozens of friends out there who may have been better off gaming. My attempts to quit going in the past failed several times, if it wasn't because of the desire for the procrastination to just "play for a while more." But as I played more and more, I realised something. It started to bore me out. It made my connection with my family even distant. My eyes started to widen at it's side effects. Several years of gaming out of real life for nothing. My grades stayed within the B-A* Range, but I could feel it dropping like lightning (Not at 3000000 kilometers per second). Even though my gamer friends seemed to pull me back (even on Discord) I realised that they were also the blind bats I once was. A change had to be done of course, so I spent lots of time finding for effective ways of improving my focus, reducing addiction and one of the best motives that brought me was GameQuitters. I'm not kidding but, I'm really impressed. I thought that it was going to be a long long way before I could find a group of people who were determined to quit. But hey presto, here's the bunch. I'm turning thirteen this year, and after my school Chinese New Year break ending today, I will walk out to the open with a brand, fresh new start: NO MORE GAMES. (PS Now my motives is to stay away from games 110%. I just played the last round of games a few hours ago and literally deleted all the addicting ones. No more friends will pull me back. What I need now is only guidance and advice. I really put my hopes and trust to this forum!) If my parents could know my appreciation I wonder how happy they will be. To be honest they were the ones who still believed I could change my attitudes in gaming and likewise social media. I have already quit social media as a first, now games are my second goal. ACHIEVE VICTORY, NO GAMES COMPLETELY!
  27. Alright done with the dinner break. Takeaways/action points: Lauren Singer (Zero-Waste guide) I didn't have too many action points from this one, but it really opened my eyes to the zero-waste movement. I have a few friends that are what I would call "hardcore environmentalists" but I thought they were loopy. A lot of Lauren's points were very powerful, and even though I am not zero-waste, it is something I can incorporate into my life. Like it takes 17,000 litres of water to make a block of chocolate. 17,000! That's incredible. I have transitioned away from some foods because they make me feel sluggish or they have gluten in them, but I would now have no problem avoiding something like chocolate because of the resources required. It seems like such a waste. Do some more research into the environmentalist movement. At a minimum there might be a few cost savings to be had. Susan David This one was really powerful for several reasons. Apart from the obvious, it was my chosen word for 2018 (emotionless), and it is something that I have talked about in detail with Cam recently. Finally it has been something I have been talking about a lot at work with my team, to not get emotional. This is a very rough approach which needs refining, which I think Susan has given me an insight into. Emotions are data points and don't drive us to make reactions. We choose how to react to emotions, these data points. Treat emotions like data points and work out what you can learn from them and implement in your life. Up to this point this year I have been fighting or ignoring them and missing the learning opportunities they were presenting. Break down larger "umbrella" emotions (like "stressed", "frustrated", "depressed", "overwhelmed") into what the emotions actually are and what you are feeling, aka anxiety, fear, excitement, etc. I have been trying to do this (I have been putting a lot of effort into avoiding the word stress and just talk about what is making me feel like that), so it is good to see I am on the right track, just maybe a little bit misguided/disjointed. Would like to watch the TED talk she became famous for. Command Line Podcast I am very surprised by the topic covered in this podcast. CLP is a nerdy podcast which I have only just started listening to, but this episode was all about motivation, or what has been coined here as "sitting with it". They talk about how to try and crack on with tasks or projects when you don't have the luxury or being enthusiastic or energised or interested, but just have to get on with it. I felt this was powerful and timely as I return to study in the next few weeks, and it will be a challenge to shift from having a lot of spare time to now forcing myself to read or study in my spare time rather than just relaxing and listening to podcasts. I am looking forward to maintaining this momentum and finding more useful podcasts to help with our development!
  28. Why not just have a game quitters logo with, real life is the only life you have
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