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  1. Past hour
  2. What's your relationship with "work"? Do you find it in some way inferior to the other parts of your life?
  3. I think there are some hobbies that can make me thrilled while I do them, e.g. paintball/shooting, paragliding, even dancing in some cases. Life is both about being in the moment and doing something for the future. I think a lot of the people today do not understand/appreciate the fact that they need to follow some rules to be free. I don't think that these rules are something necessarily unnatural or inhumane. It makes sense that once I make money through work, then I can use my non-work time for relaxation or other hobbies. While this makes working a necessity (for most people anyway), it doesn't mean they have to be in a job that they hate/dislike and run it counter to their hobbies which they enjoy. I don't hate eating what I eat, so it makes sense I don't hate working my job. Moreover, the fact I choose to spend my time makes my hobbies and work equally important for my life. I see. I believe I could have good sex and a relationship with a lot of women. I don't think I've ever wanted to have sex with more women while I already had a relationship with sex. I could appreciate that the other girl was beautiful and that I even had some ideas about her in the past, but my curiosity in other women just sharply declined once I was "with" one. Regarding listening to people: listen to yourself and do yourself. Even if you do something idiotic, at least it was your idea and you can learn from it directly. If somebody else tells you something that is fucked up, the lesson you learn is to listen to and believe yourself more anyway.
  4. Today
  5. I think the main idea is that the society is already well-off enough so that a lot of the people do not experience "physical stress/survival" situations unless they absolutely want to, but I think on the whole the humanity is becoming more complacent and fragile. There's still plenty of "psychological stress/survival" situations around and I think there will always be though.
  6. Day 36 Nothing really to journal, fairly average day.
  7. I think stressors like these can make you stronger if you don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Overpressure can hurt your health. “Placing a system in a straitjacket of constancy can cause fragility to evolve” C S Holling. I think healthy stressors have to reinforce your different aspects. In this kind of scenario you fought fear of not passing, overpowered your habits, revised material, increased your memorization ability. Another necessary stressor for all of us is the physical. Something like a cold shower or a workout that mimics survival mode. But Unfortunately, society aims to eradicate that and puts immense efforts to that effect. It aims to replicate its own function within its subjects. People must be as passive as possible, their conversations and interests dictated by popular media, never questioning the foundations of society. Society can’t accept another Napoleon in our midst. Way too dangerous. But that way we will become too fragile. I'm psyched, way to go man!
  8. Journal #8 Approaching new hobbies has revealed some things about myself. I was not able to study or practice my real interests when my daily goal was to surpass other players in games. This created emotions such as self-loathing, hopelessness, lust, and anxiety and depression. Being completely engrossed in gaming achievements I did not see how I could progress from starting new with other hobbies. I am learning from my own experiences, but I don't think sharing them with others will always influence in the same way. There's are reason why we experience first-hand. And while this defines us, I find we should stay open to our new selves. Just as we change our clothes when they are to small or unfit, what we do now will ever change. Alex
  9. Yesterday
  10. Heyo, I am starting to feel better. Might even take my life seriously again, maybe... okay, lets not get ahead of ourselves. It still took me a bit, not gonna lie. It is amazing how little things drastically improve the way i can control my time. My self care sucks, but even if I am miserable i know what to do to get my brain to, like, not get lost in it and do stuff so i do not die. Good job me. Also, the progress from the "addiction to games -> addiction to success -> living too much through my problems -> now" is currently in the state of trying to figure out why do i want to fix my problems in the first place. To be more precise, it feels like part of me (probably closest is my brain) wants to get myself sorted out to have time to do something better, but the other parts (linked to emotions mostly) are constantly asking about what the fudge that better thing actually is... and i am unsure about that. Hobbies are nice, but they just do not have the right... boom shaka-laka in them. Life feels like something lived to be preserved, not like something i really want to push towards the future. I need some form of development, creation, movement, speed, stuff like that, but i just cant link it to my feelings, to what i really want. I also feel betrayed from being given sense of freedom that i cant utilize, because nobody told me there are rules i need to fulfill to be able to embrace the freedom in the first place. So in the process of adjusting to the rules i kind of neglected the process of sorting out what do i actually want to do with my freedom. @IkarI also stumbled again upon this comment and you talking about relationships in your own diary and I feel similar to development in this department... Again it is like part of me wants good sex with all the partners, other part is just happy with the one relationship i actually do have, other part just likes to chill with women and discuss the matters from different perspective then I usually do with men... I just get lost with what to listen to. And it is getting more noisy last few days over meeting a girl I find myself very interested in recently. Stay strong people, you are awesome. I shall be back
  11. I agree with you. Myself, I begin to trust people when I know that I can rely on them that it usually takes some time, but after that I believe that there are few people that I would do anything for. Haha, I'm happy you took some time to go through my posts! 🙂
  12. Day #28 Hier, fut une belle journée, on dirait la routine matinal commence à rentré. J'ai pu me lever ce matin sans cadrant sa fait du bien. Dieu est bon. J'avance mes obligations, mes devoirs. Je vais essaye de finir mon costume d'halloween ce soir. J'ai rencontré mon petit groupe d'ami sur zoom et ce fut un temps fantastique, bénissant et encourageant. Gratitude journal Mon travail que j'aime Mon petit groupe d'ami Weekly Goal(s) Mes objectifs cette semaine sont: Finir Chapitre 5 de Respawn - (demain) Finir le schéma du "Battery-Backed SPI Real-Time Clock/Calendar with Enhanced Features" Finir mon costume d'halloween de chevalier Mettre les lumiéres sur le bouclier Finir casque en maille Faire une revision de mon schéma électrique Commencer le PCB
  13. @Ikar Thanks! Yeah I've never really thought of it like that. Sadly I've almost treated friendships as a transaction as of late, that both parties need to put in to benefit. Which I guess is not entirely incorrect, no one wants to be used. But, I think you are right in saying that you don't exactly need to share hobbies to have a meaningful friendship. Nice to finally chat to you Ikar your game quitting streak is very impressive. Keep up the good work. Day 34-35 I have been flat out the last few days, finalising accreditation, professional development and preparing for a teacher interview at the end of the week. Fingers crossed the preparation pays off. Looking forward to getting some structure back around routines. Unfortunately I have had very little free time so I am looking forward to some normality after these next few weeks.
  14. Last week
  15. The test went much better than before. I think I dominated the first half and did ok in the second half. I'm praying for a miracle here. I really hope I pass. It's so crushing to not pass. @WhoCares I think the Pomodoro technique really helped me finish that final push. It also helped me at work. I think I'm going to take this week to relax and next week I might start doing the pomodoro technique with learning the drums and animating. Just 1 day each per week.
  16. I relapsed hard. I don't feel like going into the details right now to be honest, maybe later. Basically I didn't have anything to do while having a month off in between jobs, and then it happened. In the last post I described a feeling of nostalgia, and I think that, combined with a feeling of being bored and not really knowing what to do made me think "well, I've quit once before and it wasn't that hard, so I'll just quit again". It was, of course, way harder to quit than it was the last time. I had a lot more momentum the first time I quit compared to this time, which makes the decision harder now. At the time of writing this journal entry, I've been "clean" for around 19 hours. Just spent the whole weekend in front of the PC. You know how it is I guess. It feels great, and I can get completely immersed for hours without distractions, but at the end of the day when I finally stop, I feel like shit. Then I feel bad for myself and go to bed in a bad mood, feeling shameful, and then the next morning I can get up and repeat the proces. I'm comitting to the 90 days from this day. I will try to update this journal more often.
  17. The first day off from studying was tough. My mind wasn't occupied with math problems, so I was thinking about playing Overwatch. Cravings were horrible, so if I could play for free, I would've already relapsed. But because of the bet with my brother I was able to stay clean. Instead I watched the final cut of Blade Runner from 1982. Awesome movie by the way. On the second day I started doing my project, which is 'smart' humidifier. All it does is check if humidity in a room is below 50% and if it is then it starts evaporating water. There's a PC fan blowing in a water tank, so the steam flow comes out. It is possible to regulate the speed of the fan with potentiometer. I'll attach a pick of a prototype I'm working on. It has some major design flaws, I think it'll take me a couple of weeks to finish it. Also the code is mine and I'm planning to publish it on GitHub when it's ready to use. Not like it's gonna be useful to someone else, I'm just building my portfolio and practicing Git (which is not very easy for beginners). I am so engaged in this small project that I completely forgot about Overwatch. I think that if I want to stay out of gaming, it is essential to always have a goal in order to keep your mind occupied. Seems like I'm learning something new about myself every week. Feels nice. Maybe someday I'll find a way to quit forever.
  18. Day 97! It appears that my last streak ran over 180 days, so if I want to keep going, 200 days seems like a good milestone. Partially want to set a milestone because urges have been hitting up due to me being on break... It's a bit annoying to be so invested into "playing during my off time" mindset again. When summer break was coming up in May, those urges were much weaker and I felt so much more value in other areas of my life. At the moment, gaming is really sucking me in. Fortunately, the break is officially over and I have not relapsed during its entirety. I need to continue to fight gaming addiction more actively, just as I would try to curb any other habit. Consistent effort is required no matter how easy it can get sometimes. Perhaps not playing games is like running- even if I am able to run as fast as I want, I still need to exercise often to keep that up (even if it takes less effort now than it used to). Not much from this week; it has been fairly productive and fun overall, I've enjoyed visiting my family during break and am a bit unexcited about coming back to school since its *work*, but thinking of my class projects does get me excited- they're going to be a lot of fun 🙂 Will journal more when I have enough time, but this is it for now! On my way to 200 days without gaming YESYESYES Po
  19. Still going strong, putting my rutine back together.
  20. Day 3 — Proceeding from Here As alluded to in my previous post, one of the reasons why I do tend to relapse in my addictions is because of my ongoing mild or moderate depression symptoms. I tend to perceive things in a negative light (pessimism — like wearing a pair of shit-colored glasses), resorting to instant gratification binges to escape, although temporary, this overall dissatisfaction and hopelessness. Still, I've accepted (in theory at least) and rarely renounce the fact that these means to find some relief are ineffective. In the long, problems rarely get solved as new ones arrive; shit piles up man. A more effective long-term solution regarding this overall dissatisfaction and hopelessness would be to challenge my pessimistic perception, i.e., look beyond the shit-colored glasses. Whether I manage to take them off completely isn't an entirely conscious decision, after all, I didn't choose to have them on in the first place. I'm not an expert and I haven't done much research, but I think there are 2 essential things I need to work on to achieve long-term cognitive-behavioral change: Believing that I can change — i.e., confidence — more often directly chipped at by voice #1 (as described in the previous post) Wanting to change — i.e., motivation — more often directly chipped at by voice #2 (as described in the previous post) Of course, these 2 things aren't completely separate, when one goes up or down it tends to drag the other one with it. Regardless, I assume that when these 2 things are high enough, relevant behavior is likely, if not bound, to follow. I'm tempted to start by addressing essential thing #2 first. My most recent relapse happened when I was in a relatively kind towards myself at least, what I was trying craving to escape was boredom, like I couldn't find any reason to do anything but game; I was unmotivated to visit any other "pleasure well" (the analogy described in my previous post). Essential thing #1 isn't unrelated either, one could say that I was over-confident. Still, it has been a recurring topic for me throughout therapy that I would probably benefit from working on my identity, my sense of "self". If I understand correctly this is done by finding and nurturing my "true" values and goals, or as some like to call it: Finding a sense of purpose (i.e., meaning[1]) for my life. The problem I think I have now in regards to this is that I tend to rely on external sources to dictate my values and goals. Suffering from BPD and PTSD probably doesn't help... no sense in ruminating on that right now. Anyways! I have some ideas as to how I can proceed in this direction but I'm running out of time for today. Again, I don't expect anyone to read this but I appreciate it if you do. Take care comrades. [1] I might benefit from reading something like Man's Search for Meaning (by Viktor E. Frankl) or Becoming Myself (by Irvin D. Yalom).
  21. Day #27 Hier, fut une belle journée, malgrés que je dois resté tranquille à cause de mon opération j'ai fait plein de choses. Passe du temps au parc avec des enfants, appeler mon frère et un ami. Installer les décoration d'halloween à l'extérieur, aller magaziner et travailler sur mon costume d'halloween. J'ai tellement fait des choses j'ai à peine eu le temps de penser aux jeux vidéos. Gratitude journal Le temps au parc avec la famille Mon ami et mon frère Weekly Goal(s) Mes objectifs cette semaine sont: Finir Chapitre 5 de Respawn - (demain) Finir le schéma du "Battery-Backed SPI Real-Time Clock/Calendar with Enhanced Features" Finir mon costume d'halloween de chevalier Mettre les lumiéres sur le bouclier Finir casque en maille Faire une revision de mon schéma électrique Commencer le PCB
  22. Good job! Try it, if you know them in person. I'd argue I just use the social hobby in order to connect with the other person, because overall I think the "factual" things like sharing hobbies are not that important for a meaningful relationship. I think being able to relate to and sympathizing with other people on a mental level is far more conductive (talking about opinions, experiences, feelings) for creation of such relationships.
  23. I watched a video about the components of happiness (in a video about personal finance, strangely enough) and it's probably why Frankl was able to get by the horrors of concentration camps. Feeling in control of our lives by choosing our responses is way more important than the place or stage we are in.
  24. Day 32-33 Visited my wife's family and had a nice relaxing weekend. Helping my mum at the moment with a job application.
  25. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 916: I had English classes, researched the Erasmus+ project, rode the bike a bit, wrote my friends, washed the laundry and watched "Lord of War". Day 917: I read some uni papers, worked on a uni project, did a bit of chess, watched some videos about WWII, washed the dishes, read a bit about personal finance, read some of my old texts/notes and started watching "The Wire". --- This is a rare post, as I stumbled upon here after a slow, yet restorative day. I am somewhat physically limited at the moment, as I can feel some pain in my throat, so I didn't even go outside, to the gym or to plant trees at an uni event (which was the original plan for today) and stayed put the whole day. Having this unusually slow day, I decided I'd look after my shelved texts, hobbies and projects which sparked some ideas in my head and was fun as well. I ordered a book I had a good laugh reading over five years ago. I re-watched a video about the relationship money and time have in our lives. I also realized that I have a lot of work to do with my English-teaching business, university, family, dating... but today, I decided to relax, to appreciate the progress and to be grateful for all the progress I've made.
  26. Week 5 Physical task: Started Gym. Plan for muscle's inreasing created. Projects: To start classes for getting CAE certificate Scrutinizing the book: Advanced English. It will allow me to prepar in terms of grammar , before starting classes with natives Starting master's degree next year. Formulating and elaborating the given questions (600): 50 of 600 Miscellaneous accomplishments: - I have recently started planning my day, and it looks good. Living the day as per given schedule makes my life less complicated. Also I focus more on important endeavours. Summary of Week 5 Regarding the plannig the day. I am not saying that, my whole day is planned, like every detail. I have general main task each day, and I focus to proceed with them accordingly, in that way, I just functionate better. It was quite good week. There were some minor cravings, however it wasn't that but then before, like few weeks back. May the force be with you guys. Take care! Quit gaming on September 17th, 2021 Quit alcohol on June 16th 2021
  27. Day #26 Le fait de retourner à un "stupid" phone est merveilleux. J'ai beaucoup moin de tentation malgrés le fait que des fois j'y pense. J'ai encore beaucoup de chemin à faire. Hier, ,J'ai compléter le chapitre 5 de Respawn et j'ai pu faire mon horaire. J'ai pu voir que j'ai beaucoup d'activité avec la vie familiale et les groupes que je me suis impliquer cette année. Je vais devoir être discipliné pour accomplir tout ce que j'ai dans mon assiette. J'ai utilisé outlook pour faire mon horaire et cela me permets d'avoir des alarmes pour me rappeler certains obligation que j'ai a faire. Gratitude journal Le temps avec ma femme et mes enfants Mon travail que j'aime full Weekly Goal(s) Mes objectifs cette semaine sont: Finir Chapitre 5 de Respawn - (demain) Finir le schéma du "Battery-Backed SPI Real-Time Clock/Calendar with Enhanced Features" Faire une revision de mon schéma électrique Commencer le PCB
  28. Light can be seen as knowledge, and ignorance as darkness. Naturally light will illuminate a dark place. Find what you need to stay in the detox, try new things; your choices have impacts on not only yourself but also others. Open your heart and let it guide you as a lighthouse shows passage for ships which are blinded by the night. Our support is with you all the way.
  29. Day 6: I woke up this morning at 7:50 am for work. I was dreaming playing dota 2 with my favorite character 😂. The dream was super fun so I tried to get back to it for another 10 minutes so I can enjoy a bit more of it. It didn’t happen so I woke up and start working after a quick breakfast. so yea, today, I have strong temptations. I am very tired because of hard work and now feel so bored. I have nothing to enjoy other thab gaming! That’s obviously a big issue. My routine while not gaming is just self-development. So whenever I stop gaming, I just do daily workout, meditation and all these type of self-improvement. I can start watching Netflix so I can relax and have fun. However, after watching Netflix for a while, I would feel wasted again and then probably relapse. I feel that now that I am wasting my time on Netflix, why not game so I enjoy it at least. I won’t relapse tonight since I am serious to end this gaming issue but I know I am close to relapse. I need to do something about it. as @Ikarmentioned, I may just go for a walk knowing that tomorrow is a new day. I don’t want to get depressed again. It’s already weekend but I have nothing fun to refresh for the next week. I have to play with my son all day long for the next two days and at nights, doing workout and meditations! Also, there are some work-related things that I have putting off for a while and need to do sooner or later. So it’s basically work, work and work for me😞 My relationship with my wife is also bad so I don’t see much light in my life 😞
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