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  1. Today
  2. Sry to hear about your relapse. What happened? Was their a specific trigger? Thinking about the relapse can help you to prepare for future similar situations.
  3. That is exactly what I have done so many times. Escaping from stressful things and feeling shitty about it afterwards. It is hard to face the fact that yourself aren'T what you want to be. Not the one who is easily doing the things you want to do. It shouldn't be a surprise but somehow it feels bad everytime again and again. The thing is that this fear of failing is a root cause of procrastination. Seems illogical but it is still true. You'll need to look at these exams and challenges as a way to test your knowledge and to motivate you and not as a exam which evalulates your. It truly doesn't. It just evalulates your knowledge in a distinct topic. That has nothing to do with you beeing awesome or shitty. It is a chance to see where your knowledge needs to be improved and give you the chance to improve it. And be it only your studying habits. See the benefit in the challenge and don't be afraid. There is so much to gain and in reality very little to loose.
  4. Good job. Now it is time to do a great study plan and start small with it. Otherwise this will overwhelm you. Don't postpone starting that is the most important part
  5. Good luck man! Get your head in those books!
  6. @TheNewMe - Thanks dude. I will do!
  7. I've got some exciting and terrifying news...I've done it. After putting it off for the last 3 years, I finally registered for the MCAT exam (for those who don't know, this is the test I'll need to ace in order to qualify for medical school consideration). My test is on June 1st. I am scared completely shitless right now, but if I can somehow pull off a miracle good score it'll all be smooth sailing from here until medical school admission. Throughout history there have been stories of conquerors overcoming overwhelming odds by burning their boats (their only chance of escape) behind them. Cortes did it in 1519 and ended up conquering Mexico, and Alexander the Great did it in the 500's before proceeding to conquer all of Persia. It's described in Sun Tzu's The Art of War as the ultimate technique for commanders to eradicate any notion of retreat from the minds of their troops and commit themselves unwaveringly to the cause – Victory. Defeat isn't an option when you have nowhere left to run. I've just blown the last of my savings on this test registration. The registration is not refundable. There is now nothing I can do but confront one of the giant monsters I've used gaming to hide from for so long. The boats have been burned, and the only way left to go is forward. Wish me luck guys...
  8. Wednesday, day 120!
  9. Have a great time man, upload pics
  10. Yesterday
  11. Yo, real quick post today. 1 day till Australia now! Wooo. I haven't even packed yet! So i'll be getting that all ready tommorow. Also gotta get myself a fresh trim so i'll be looking good all holiday Finally just gotta get my travel money sorted. I've left quite a few things till last minute, I should really get this stuff sorted earlier... Oh well, can't go back now. Maynn i'm super excited now, it's gonna be awesome! Brad.
  12. So yeah my streak goes on strong!, And I started to feel slight motivation/urges to do stuff away from gaming! I'm on medication, so that might do something to it too, anyways, I'm starting to learn German! And will start to practice programming again, little steps, maybe an hour a day, but still moving forward instead of backwards! so yeah!
  13. Damn! nice it seems you had some fun with it too! And YES I completely agree with you there's no way to memorize/master one language perfectly, none of the programmers I know does that, they all google a lot, use it on the go, there's simply too much stuff to memorize, its better to go through some tutorials/courses and try to UNDERSTAND them instead of remember every bit That's what I'm going to do myself, but for real this time! no games ruining my goals!
  14. @Shine Magical Master of chores, conqueror of mundane tasks, etc, etc. My life still revolves a lot around the day-to-day life. Mostly really. But I think you really need to have your shit together before getting on with the greater things. --- I am slowly becoming more of an authority figure in my own life. It's awesome to be the boss of me. Today was stretching day, but felt energetic and did a tiny work out. Didn't feel much muscle ache from yesterdays work out either. I think I can push myself harder during the work out to get more out of it. It's only a few minutes, better make them count. Finally dared looking at the push-up again, because I kept failing on them and got a bit frustrated. Found a video with the golden tip (for me anyway), and another with an exercise I hope will prevent my wrists from hurting. I have high hopes. Also, I devised a plan to get out of my comfort zone. I will go kick boxing against other women instead of the punching bag. This both scares and excites me greatly. Due to unfortunate planning though, it will have to wait three weeks. So plenty of time to mentally prepare myself. While plundering our attic for skiing gear, I found an old pair of jeans. Flip-phone-markings old. I jokingly put them on. "Those will never fit, haha". They fit. I love it when life gives you little golden nuggets like that. Hubby is starting to notice my body getting shapely too and has been giving out compliments. Which is normally quite rare. At one point he was genuinely impressed. Which is even rarer. It makes me glow. I swear I am getting at the point where I question whether it is legal to be so insanely happy.
  15. I think I came to a bit of a realisation yesterday afternoon. With my battle/challenge/goal of not getting emotional (at work or else) but yet still "failing", I think I am only getting emotional about old issues that have plagued me from the past. For example, when a new issue or a new problem arises (whether it is someone in my face, causing issues, or just a "stressful situation"), I seem to take it in my stride and attack it in a cool and collected manner. But, when something from the past comes back, such as an argument I have had for years or many years ago, or a situation similar to what I experienced years ago, or someone who has annoyed me or got under my skin many years ago - that's when I get emotional. The specific situation which made me realise this is when someone was doing something incorrectly at work. This specific task was one of my "bug bears" about ten years ago. I can't even remember why it was one of my pet hates or issues so long ago (but isn't that the case with the majority of these things?), but that I know it was. So, my question to myself is, am I suffering from nostalgia over these issues? Am I just digging up these old emotions instead of defining or giving these situations new ones like I am in my day to day life? My challenge now is going to be how can I redefine these old issues or topics. How can I forge new emotions for situations that made me emotional back in the day - in the short term I need to give myself more time to respond rather than react. In the longer term, I need to work out why they are still conjuring these emotions and why I am blocking myself (subconsciously) from allocating new emotions to them - or ultimately having no emotions at all. Food for thought.
  16. @Regular Robert.... not so Regular! Super comments
  17. Thanks for your advice man it means a lot. I needed that.
  18. To be entirely honest, I believe you and your brain have changed massively. I mean, you said you quit and you gave professional climbing a try. You said, you had a relationship with a girl and you had a lot of social contacts. But than, you "failed" at climbing, you learned that your girlfriend cheated on you and you lost many of these social contacts BUT STILL your brain tells you that you should live a life without gaming. That is literal change. The old you would have just said "screw them all, time to game 12 hours a day". You made change. Also, your relapse is not a bad thing, if you ask me. Your world fell apart around you. I know how horrible it feels to learn your partner cheated on you. And with climbing "failing" and the new friends gone, there was not much left. I can just assume that the pain must have been overwhelming and this pain was medicated with gaming. You did, what you needed to do. Instead of being hit so hard that you can't get up again, you found a way to numb the pain for a good amount of time. And now you opened this thread in the forum. You are asking for help to get back on track. I don't see anything wrong in what you did. Only very human actions. What I would suggest now are a couple of things: Most importantly, you should create an island for yourself. Something, a hobby, that is yours and that you do not seek to do professionally. May be, take climbing, but do not take it as an career. Careers have setbacks, they can fail and if you ever get injured, your career would fall apart again while you are left with nothing that you do to be you. Find something that you do because you like doing it. No competition. No money involved. No stakes. Do something for you. And that should stay yours even if you get a new girlfriend. Second of all. Get rid of your girlfriend if she is still there. You don't have to hate her, that is not useful at all, but you don't need anybody that is not trustworthy. There is no reason to cheat on anybody. It only shows low personality. If one feels so alone in a relationship, it is time to talk. Betraying somebody is the wrong way to go and a person who betrays once will do it again. So, again, free yourself of the burden. Don't feel guilty about it. You need to be free to get back on track. Third thing: If you can, find at least one person you can talk to without having talk about gaming. Finding friends is not easy, but a person you can talk to from time to time is a good start. And the last thing is also very important: Free yourself of the guilt. I mean it and I can't stress this enough. I play video games from time to time, because it helps me get through a very hurtful time that I can, sadly, not change at all. In the beginning, I felt like I betrayed this community. But the feeling of guilt is not true to you and it is not helpful at all. The opposite is the case. Because you felt guilty, it was easier for you to play with your old friend. Because you felt guilty, you feel like you relapsed and that you failed. Free yourself of the feeling of guilt. Forgive yourself for gaming. You needed it, it helped you. But don't do anything because you feel guilty. You don't owe your old gaming friends anything. You did not betray them, you did not dump them. You wanted to keep moving and they wanted to stay. Nobody's error, no reason to feel guilty. You don't owe this community anything. When you relapsed, it happened. End of the story. You don't even owe yourself anything at all. You can basically go through life and do whatever you feel like doing. But you said, you wish you could change. So that is what you should be doing. The things that you truly wish to do. Guilt-free. For you. So, like I said. From my perspective, you already did change a lot. You know what you want. You just got set back while trying to achieve it. That happens, no need to punish yourself for it. If you still want to have a life that is not entirely numb, you know what to do. Say "thank you" to the csgo community, appreciate the time together, but keep on moving towards your very own goals. Look out for yourself, trust yourself and allow yourself to fail. Without failing, you will never know what you don't want. Just re-calibrate, get back on track and witness the progress you make. You got this under control, mate.
  19. Gaming: Day 97 Media(II): Day 1 Wow, what a shitty morning. Woke up at 12 to discover my new alarm had not woken me up..I set it to this nice jungle and birdsong sounds and it just straight up didn't wake me up lol..so missed 2 classes of maths. Then it got even shittier when I checked my portfolio and saw that all my litecoin had fallen back down. Fuck. Skipped meditation and made myself some food. Fuck it though, I'm gonna do some shit now and go out to Game later.
  20. Day #5 Still clean. The CGAA meetings have members with several years of abstinence. I noticed a trend, most of them suffered from several addictions, they call them their "primary addiction" and their "secondary addiction". It was interesting to see the variety on the age demographics. Perhaps the meetings fulfill the "social" need some got out of video games. But I would say that listening to other people struggling with the same problem proves to be helpful. Second check in: All good. Still clean.
  21. Thank you brother! Let me know what you want the new title to be and we can make that happen.
  22. Day 76 Definitely need a laptop. Use a netbook but it has a lot of problems that no amount of resets seem to fix. :[ @Cam Adair made an unbelievably personal post this week. The fact that he is willing to expose so much of his vulnerability. Brother, it is inspiring. Keep going. Your e-mail with @Hitaru quote is really damn good. Been keeping a vlog series where I keep track of my 90 day detox... I kept it private to share it with family and friends, but you two have inspired me to share it with the world. Facebook/YouTube - HellDragonDante Facebook.com/HellDragonDante Grateful to exist, live, breathe, walk, talk, see, listen, hear, talk and water. >>>>>>>>>>>>> How do I edit the title of the journal? Not able to edit the first post.
  23. Day 2 Starting to understand that quitting gaming is the start to a better life, but that it by no means guarantees it. Unfortunately I didn't get a lot done today aside from the odd errand, but will come at tomorrow with a vengeance and hope things improve. Edit: After writing this I got so mad at myself that I forced myself to drive to the gym and knock out a workout. I guess something productive did happen today after all, hopefully can keep it up tomorrow.
  24. Day 0 Shitty week. YouTube, games, porn and general self neglect.
  25. Thanks @Hitaruand @giblets for the warm welcome.
  26. Last week
  27. Gah, I missed a day of journalling! I have a good excuse though! Yesterday was the last day of work before my holiday! Woo woo! It's so close now i'm well excited haha. Last night I went out to a Christmas partayyy. My friend bailed on me, I thought he would... The party was hosted in a student accommodation flat and I literally knew no one other than the host who invited me! I met him through gaming, so to be honest I didn't really know him that well in real life either! I bought myself a bottle of vodka and some coke to drink with it and then I was set. All on my own heading off to this party where I knew no one, and they all knew each other really well. Oh my most dreaded situation... The flats were all in blocks behind these big gates that you need student ID to get past. So when I arrived I was waiting out in the cold for a good 5-10 minutes for someone to come down and let me in. Bare in mind it was like -5° and icy as fuck lol. Finally a bunch of them came to come and get me and smoke at the same time. They were all friendly and I started talking to a few of them. I wanted to try and establish a connection with someone early on so that later on, I can use them as my backup so I didn't look like a complete loner! We eventually went up to the flat and when I walked in there were a load of people just chilling out on sofas, which were all facing the door. You can imagine the faces, when some random dude walks through the door and they're all trying to figure you out. It did feel pretty fucking awkward haha. I immediately took off my jacket, put it to the side and poured myself a drink. I sat down on one of the stools and just started asking questions to the nearby people in my proximity. I wanted to make sure I wasn't seen as the random guy who gets invited to a party and sits there all on his own. I think I was doing pretty well to be honest. I caught quite a few of the girls staring at me a bit. Probably wondering, "Who the fuck is this guy" xD. I guess I was kind of fortunate that there were some other guys there who I used to play with as well. But was never really close to them, I just knew who they were and spoke to them sometimes on teamspeak. This was like 2-3 years ago though! Is it bad that I could only remember their gaming name, not their real name? Fortunately, it was a role play game so they were normal names. So it was nice to have something in common which definitely helped me out alot. When I had a break from talking to one of the guys, I was sat by myself for a little bit. I was just smiling, enjoying the music and embracing the environment. It was quite short lived though as the friend who invited me was asked to introduce me to these 2 girls sitting across the room from me. They were wondering who I was, as obviously everyone else is quite tightly knitted together. But I guess that's a positive right? One of the girls was well fit, dayum... I'll be honest though, my talking time with them was quite short. I remained in the conversation but kind of took a back sit as one of the other gamer guys joined in on the conversation. This guy though will become a God's Gift later on. I'll be honest though, even though I had the boosted confidence from drinking - I didn't really feel like hitting on the girls that much. I don't know if this was my thinking at the time but I soon realized after the party that I am better off getting myself approved by the group first so that I get invited out to more parties in the future. That'll also give me more time to build better connections and meet more people (and girls). I'll be honest, the last half of the night is a bit of a blur. I know that my friend who invited me to the party got pretty fucked up and then ended up banging some fat chick in one of the bedrooms. We then all went off to a nightclub (Except my friend who was destroyed). I think I was just dancing the majority of the time, although I don't remember too well. I do know that near the end of the night I was just walking around the club by myself so fucking tired. I ended up sitting on one of the chairs and started falling asleep lol. It felt like all my energy had been drained. When the club started to close I went outside by myself, no clue where everyone else was and then BOOM. That gamer guy who I made friends with came over and found me. It was just me and him, no idea where anyone was. He called up one of his mates to ask if we could stay in their flat and then boom, next thing I know i'm in some girls flat sleeping on a sofa. Man I wish I had game, because she was fit too I wake up the next day, probably only about 4 hours sleep. Good sleep though, that sofa was comfy as fuck! And guess what, there is different girl just sitting there at the table eating her breakfast. She didn't seem fazed at all, "Like yeah this shit happens all the time". I imagine it does tbh. After that I get in a taxi and go home. These are all the funny stories that I feel like i'm missing out on by not going to uni. It does look like a whole load of fun. But then I have to think and I was gathering this evidence through-out the night. The students are broke as fuck, and they're in debt and half of them don't have a clue what they're doing with their lives. I think this is the side of things I often glaze over so hungry to experience the "Uni life". But there is another side to the coin... Still, I would love to be around a load of people my age, living in the same building and partying all the time and doing all kinds of fun shit. Overall, it was a decent night. I'm proud that I went by myself and was able to socialise a bit and make some friends. Today I obviously felt a little hungover. I went back into town with my Mum and Sister to do some shopping, I also went back to the flats briefly to pick up my jacket that I left there. When I walked in, there they all were again... Slumped on the chairs looking half dead haha. So I spent most of the day with my family. They wanted to pick up some bits for christmas and I wanted to spend the £25 voucher I had. Bought a cool woolly hat and a new pair of sports shorts. When we got home, I had a 40 minute nap which recharged me pretty well to be honest and then I went to my martial arts class even though I was running on very little sleep. I took both my cousins this time too. Got home, meditated and then here I am writing this journal. And holy shit I've been writing for at least 30 minutes now! I NEED TO SLEEP! Good night, love you all. Brad.
  28. Gaming was not always learning, but strategy fun social etc too. Brains can only do so much! Don't feel so down that you can't accomplish what you think you should be able to. Life is not so easy What can we do to fill that time then while still being productive?? Meetup.com is a great place to find things, I have many suggestions but to list all of them would be silly. Perhaps local conventions covering topics you're studying would be great as well. Or a nearby hackerspace.
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