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BooksandTrees

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I feel you on "outgrowing" this forum. I'm 35 weeks into quitting games myself. I also commented a lot early on. I actually don't recall giving tips on quitting gaming specifically, but I always liked to discuss philosophy, psychology, relationships, sex etc. I have to admit there are likely better forums for that or, even better, just talk about these things with people IRL on various events, seminars or just by chance. The amount of information conveyed/received per unit of time is much higher.

It's rough to build a good social circle. I think I am fairly lucky this overall. I have a job that is my hobby, nobody interferes me during it and I have a great mentor as well. I even found out I am not 100% introverted, asocial and whatever other traits most people would assign to a gaming addict. I agree that using this forum as a hobby (and try to find friends this way) would be strange. I am currently working on my first blog post, because I feel my thoughts are so various and many that giving them "just" a paragraph in my daily reports feels insufficient.

Good luck!

@Amphibian220 Interesting take on the matter. I wouldn't write "human beings are lonely by design", but I think that if you have a couple of good friends outside of work, you are probably going to see them perhaps once a week, so that way you can keep up with what's going on in your lives well.

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I think I just expected more for some reason. I'm not sure if I should just move on to the nofap forums since that is my struggle right now. A lot of them are facing what I'm facing and I remember being so inspired by Cam when he had quit for several years. It made me believe I could quit. Nobody here is really working on the porn addiction issue as in focus as that forum. I know everyone commenting is working on the porn addiction, but what I'm saying is the main focus is not that. 

They have the daily tracker and forums as well. I know that both websites I'd be doing the same thing. I enjoy the release of frustration by writing things down, but at the same time I feel a little isolated here more often than not. I'd probably feel the same there as well. I'm going to just write in both for a while and see what happens.

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I've been scathing with anger the past few days. I took this vacation from Tuesday night until this coming Monday morning. I had to see my mom on Christmas. Every time I see my mom I get conflicted due to my hatred for her and happiness to see my mom on Christmas. Every time I see her I get depressed and angry the day after. So yesterday, no matter how hard I tried to work on my hobbies, I got so fucking angry and depressed. My mood kept swinging from visceral anger and smashing things in my house to sadness with tears coming from my eyes, but not the actual crying with the bucking and inhaling.

I got depression headaches, felt lonely, felt lost, and just got so upset I couldn't think. I was in such emotional distress that I just crashed the whole day and got nothing done. I felt hopeless. I felt like my life was garbage.

Then my mom called at night. All happy. She wanted to meet for breakfast and give me my mail. She thinks that when I see her I get happy. She then gets this fake internal happiness because she thinks she's worth something. Well, she's not. She hurts my feelings every time I see her. What she did to me from December to July of this year, as noted in here, put me on the brink of suicide. 

So yesterday I yelled at her on the phone for a solid hour explaining all of it. It didn't sink in. She just kept talking about her life. I can't believe it. I can. Breakfast pisses me off because she is always late for it. For the past 10 years she's wanted to go have breakfast with me for some reason. She shows up over an hour after the allotted time we chose the night prior every time we meet. She doesn't care.

So I told her we'd meet for breakfast at 8:30 AM. No exceptions. She said ok, but had to get work done. I told her if 8:30 didn't work we can do 9:30. She said no, let's do 8:30. 

I fell asleep at 3 AM and woke up multiple times from nightmares as I've been very stressed and depressed lately. I woke up at 7:45 and drove to the restaurant. I got there at 8:30 and her car was not there. I called her and heard bed sheets moving. She hadn't woken up yet.

She then told me to do something else for an hour while she gets there. DO SOMETHING ELSE FOR AN HOUR? DO YOU NOT KNOW I'M ON VACATION AND YOU'RE WASTING IT? YOU FORCE ME INTO GETTING BREAKFAST AND THEN DON'T SHOW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I told her to fuck off and I left. She started crying on the phone and saying I should have called her because everyone calls her an hour in advance.

The selfishness is insidious. She is the main reason I don't trust women. She's such a selfish asshole. I've noted in this journal that I'm tired of doing things for other people and internalizing my emotions. It's caused multiple intestinal, stomach, and heartburn issues. It's also caused anxiety and chest pain.

I screamed at her on the phone. I held my emotions in and just let her sway me into breakfast. For that I am foolish. But to wait around for another 1.5 hours because I know that 1 hour she proposed would never happen, she must think I'm some pussy push over.

She plans on visiting today to drop off my mail and stuff when that was the point of meeting. She just wants to see me because she's lonely. As long as she sees SOMEONE she's fine. 

I intend on screaming at her and making her feel like shit when I see her today. I want her to feel like nothing.

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She came by. I defended myself. She made excuses to guilt me. I stood strong. She left. She called me in the car to try and reset the day and invite me to breakfast with her. I declined. I don't like when people try to pretend nothing ever happened and just be what I wanted before. If you want to make up for something, you give me space, then thoroughly apologize, and then prove yourself until I deem you acceptable again.

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1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

Did you see a celebratory post “1 year after”. It contains action steps and is very useful. One of the things he advises is to stick to things where you score victories and avoid things that cause trouble. Gradually your morale will grow and you will be able to sort out other issues

No

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There are so many people struggling this holiday. One woman told me she spent the entirety of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day wrapped up in a blanket. Not once moving. 
 

Another woman cried for hours and hours. Feeling monstrous and horrid. Screaming and yelling through mountains of tears. 

I share this, to say, that you are not alone. You are never alone. It’s so brave of you share your emotions, hurts, resentments and abandonments.  To walk thru grief and darkness.... and let everything just be. Just as it is. Not trying to change your feelings or wish something was different. 
 

Moving thru a dark turn.... and surrendering to all that is. 
 

I find internet friendships to be hard as there is no connection. We need people in our real lives to feed us.... literally and metaphorically when we are walking thru a dark night of the soul.

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Wow, that's rough. You're going through a lot right now. 

Internet friendships are difficult since in-person friendships just feel much more real, at least to me. This forum is probably is not the best place to make friends , but if it happens, great. I'm only speaking for myself, but I'm here to fix me first and foremost, and if my story provides help to others, or if I can lend other advice from time-to-time, then that's great too. I think a lot of others are here for similar reasons, and that's completely valid. 

On the notion of making friends as an adult, it's way harder then in high school or college. I'm coming to this realization and learning to accept it, which is making things easier for me and taking pressure off me. I burned many bridges during those years so I don't really have any lasting friendships from that time with people I routinely keep in touch with. I think as we get older, we rely on our significant others for deep emotional support since we really only have the time to cultivate one...maybe two... of those super deep relationships. Our friends become more superficial, for lack of a better term, and I think that's natural. I only just opened up to one of the people in my improv team about my childhood, and that was only because it sort of slipped out during a performance (which was a REALLY awkward moment). Nonetheless, he doesn't feel like a blood brother or best friend to me. Just a friend. Maybe a kinda-close friend. And I can't expect anything from him in terms of emotional support. We are improv friends. Not gym friends, not best friends, not drinking friends...improv friends. And if we truly are friends, I shouldn't force him to change or expect anything from him either. The best friends are people who accept you as you truly are, not as they want you to be.

I can only think of one truly best friend I've made in the past 5 years or so, and that is my aunt's dog. All that dog wants is attention and affection, and it has a stupid smile on it's face the whole time. I saw the dog for the first time about a year ago, and after giving the dog a good head scratch for 15 minutes, it got up, placed a paw on my hand while looking me dead in the eyes..."Stop"....and proceeded to lick my arm from fingertip to elbow. We were practically married at that point. I saw the same dog over Christmas and got the same unconditional love and requisite demand for attention. No one imposed any restrictions on the other, which is probably why dogs are known as man's best friend, not people. 

I truly hope things get better for you and that you keep moving forward. You've made great progress so far with gaming. I'm sure you'll do it with porn and friends as well. You will figure it out.

Edited by DaBest
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Hello,

That's some pretty heavy stuff you went through recently with your mom. I can identify with your feelings of hate towards her as I've felt the same way towards my family too. Only after becoming Christian did I forgive and love them enough to talk to them again. I'm sorry things are so rough with her now. You'll get through this. It does sound like there's a lot of ridiculous things she does with the showing up late and everything. It also sounds like she's sort of trying to connect with you even though it's far from a way in which is meeting you where you're at. I hope it all works out. I encourage you to do something to self care, get away from the pain and help you feel better.

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I hate my life for how much little things are impacting my life. I left that old apartment because it was making me sick. The heating unit here is just extremely loud and disruptive. I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night here and 2 hours at my old place. I can't win. 

I told my mom off for not apologizing. Our relationship is hopeless. I think she's a secretly evil person or something. Especially based on journal entries from pages 8 to 24

I feel trapped in life because I need to study for a huge exam in April, but that's when my lease is up. The exam isn't some shit college exam.  It's a 16 hour exam and the hardest single test in the world covering engineering.

I don't want to live here either. Maybe my landlord can have the furnace serviced to see if it's clogged. I'll ask. I either need a roommate or a house or an apartment. I'm tired of not having a stable living situation. 

I've been having severe anxiety at night because of this crap on top of the past 2 years of my life. 

It's annoying because I had a good day today with 8 hours of sleep. I just keep having anger and anxiety attacks at night. 

The furnace wasn't this loud when I lived here before. Something changed. 

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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To the people posting above: I think I just thought that since I was taking the time to read through people's posts and them read through mine we'd have some familiarity. I don't think we'd ever be friends, but just the knowledge from learning about others would be retained. Some people have the attention to detail while others have changed and it's just frustrating to see. I feel like the community has lost its community feel to it over the past few months as people have become more detached from other's journals. I think people were more committed to helping others at one point of the year versus the current time. 

It might not be the same for others, but it's something I've noticed over time and I've felt a large disconnect because of it.

I do want to say I really appreciate the efforts from @Ikar and @Vera over the past year. 

Saturday I made 62 weeks. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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7 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Hello,

That's some pretty heavy stuff you went through recently with your mom. I can identify with your feelings of hate towards her as I've felt the same way towards my family too. Only after becoming Christian did I forgive and love them enough to talk to them again. I'm sorry things are so rough with her now. You'll get through this. It does sound like there's a lot of ridiculous things she does with the showing up late and everything. It also sounds like she's sort of trying to connect with you even though it's far from a way in which is meeting you where you're at. I hope it all works out. I encourage you to do something to self care, get away from the pain and help you feel better.

Thanks. I'll try. I went for a 7 mile walk today with a friend and felt a lot better. It was the best day I've had in weeks. Unfortunately I had to scream at my mom because she was trying to guilt me into talking to her. If it happens one more time I'm going to just cut the relationship. I'm tired of people stressing me out for no reason. I'm really starting to hate everyone and it's not a good thing. 

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These are not good signs.

Stay away from “suspicions” because they are the greatest form of a lie. Sometimes a suspicion induces a counter-suspicion between two people and the initial suspicion takes stronger effect.

Emotions are hard to control but Hassan Al Basri (may He be blessed) helped me out, just by reading his statements on people and the nature of hypocrisy.

Gandhi said something to the effect: show love and trust to the person who shows dislike for you (if you have to interact, especially with a close relative). This may over time disrupt his/her suspicions, assumptions about you, melt the heart and drive them to love you with a love you haven’t known yet. If not, at the very least you will be impossible to hurt and they will leave it.

Most people underestemiate the power of sincerity.

I try to apply this, but I still stumble when people want to be controlling and change my plans. I had some conflicts like that. Which pushed me to believe I have to give much more weight to my plans, work and ways (provided i dont do anythkng harmful) so my borders will be a lot more defined and respected.

Edit: a person that shares a particular knowledge but doesn’t apply that knowledge himself, puts himself in great danger. Now that I share these points, I can sense how much responsibility and accountability lies on my shoulders. God grant us peace and wisdom.

Edited by Amphibian220
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2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Gandhi said something to the effect: show love and trust to the person who shows dislike for you (if you have to interact, especially with a close relative). This may over time disrupt his/her suspicions, assumptions about you, melt the heart and drive them to love you with a love you haven’t known yet. If not, at the very least you will be impossible to hurt and they will leave it.

This reminds me of another story I heard about Ghandi. True or not, I find it to be inspiring. He'd told his son that the car needed to be taken care of. He asked him to drive along with him to his job and then take the car to the repair shop to have it serviced. Afterwards his kid would pick him up from work. Instead, the kid slacked off and went to the movies. He never has any shot to see any movies and needed the car to get to the theater. So he went to see a movie, lost track of time and didn't get the car serviced. When he picked his dad up, he had to admit what he'd done and was anxious to receive his punishment for slacking off. Instead of anger, Gandhi chose reflection. He said the kid could go on with the car and drive home and that he'd walk himself. He'd use the walk home to ask himself and seriously contemplate what he'd done to make his son the type of person who'd chose movies over duty. Had he been too strict with him? Should he take him to see movies more often? Did he give him too much responsibility too soon? Etc... I like how he took responsibility for his son's actions and didn't point the finger at his own kid, instead choosing to point the finger at himself and asking himself what he did wrong exactly and how to prevent stuff like that from happening in the future.

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3 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

These are not good signs.

Stay away from “suspicions” because they are the greatest form of a lie. Sometimes a suspicion induces a counter-suspicion between two people and the initial suspicion takes stronger effect.

Emotions are hard to control but Hassan Al Basri (may He be blessed) helped me out, just by reading his statements on people and the nature of hypocrisy.

Gandhi said something to the effect: show love and trust to the person who shows dislike for you (if you have to interact, especially with a close relative). This may over time disrupt his/her suspicions, assumptions about you, melt the heart and drive them to love you with a love you haven’t known yet. If not, at the very least you will be impossible to hurt and they will leave it.

Most people underestemiate the power of sincerity.

I try to apply this, but I still stumble when people want to be controlling and change my plans. I had some conflicts like that. Which pushed me to believe I have to give much more weight to my plans, work and ways (provided i dont do anythkng harmful) so my borders will be a lot more defined and respected.

Edit: a person that shares a particular knowledge but doesn’t apply that knowledge himself, puts himself in great danger. Now that I share these points, I can sense how much responsibility and accountability lies on my shoulders. God grant us peace and wisdom.

I agree and think I've been sincere to multiple people who have come and gone during the past 18 months. I also believe you can be too sincere and burn the candle on both ends. Where I've helped others exceedingly more than myself at times and don't hear anything back until I post something like this where I'm debating leaving the community altogether. I get stressed out here unfortunately. 

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1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

This reminds me of another story I heard about Ghandi. True or not, I find it to be inspiring. He'd told his son that the car needed to be taken care of. He asked him to drive along with him to his job and then take the car to the repair shop to have it serviced. Afterwards his kid would pick him up from work. Instead, the kid slacked off and went to the movies. He never has any shot to see any movies and needed the car to get to the theater. So he went to see a movie, lost track of time and didn't get the car serviced. When he picked his dad up, he had to admit what he'd done and was anxious to receive his punishment for slacking off. Instead of anger, Gandhi chose reflection. He said the kid could go on with the car and drive home and that he'd walk himself. He'd use the walk home to ask himself and seriously contemplate what he'd done to make his son the type of person who'd chose movies over duty. Had he been too strict with him? Should he take him to see movies more often? Did he give him too much responsibility too soon? Etc... I like how he took responsibility for his son's actions and didn't point the finger at his own kid, instead choosing to point the finger at himself and asking himself what he did wrong exactly and how to prevent stuff like that from happening in the future.

The great thing about this is that if both parties are humble, then they are both oriented towards solving the problem, rather than playing some blame game. In a strange way, we are not only responsible for our own behavior, but also for everyone else's. We influence the people we are in contact with as well who in turn influence other people... and the whole world. The trick is figuring out how much responsibility we are able to handle.

50 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree and think I've been sincere to multiple people who have come and gone during the past 18 months. I also believe you can be too sincere and burn the candle on both ends. Where I've helped others exceedingly more than myself at times and don't hear anything back until I post something like this where I'm debating leaving the community altogether. I get stressed out here unfortunately. 

If you feel like you should cut your contribution here partially or completely, then do it. I won't hold a grudge against you.

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19 minutes ago, Ikar said:

 

If you feel like you should cut your contribution here partially or completely, then do it. I won't hold a grudge against you.

I probably will. I'll see how it goes. I'm just finding it more stressful than helpful. I guess there's an attachment because I've made lots of progress and it's all written here. 

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@BooksandTrees

Great job taking a walk like that! 7 miles Is a long ways! Now I’m feeling inspired to go for a hike. 
 

Taking some space from mom might be a good idea. I blocked my sister over text for the same reason. She was just stressing me out to talk to over text. We live together though so we still talk in passing. I haven’t told her I blocked her. From here I’m just feeling it out. Maybe you could find some way to get some distance with your mom and feel it out.

 

You don’t have to cut it off black and white you can take steps into the gray and feel it out. Definitely some space from mom sounds appropriate.

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27 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

@BooksandTrees

Great job taking a walk like that! 7 miles Is a long ways! Now I’m feeling inspired to go for a hike. 
 

Taking some space from mom might be a good idea. I blocked my sister over text for the same reason. She was just stressing me out to talk to over text. We live together though so we still talk in passing. I haven’t told her I blocked her. From here I’m just feeling it out. Maybe you could find some way to get some distance with your mom and feel it out.

 

You don’t have to cut it off black and white you can take steps into the gray and feel it out. Definitely some space from mom sounds appropriate.

I think I just gotta evaluate my life a bit. I need some mental stability because I'm losing my mind at the moment. I've become so volatile and reactive to everything. It's forcing me to make aggressive decisions with relationships and other things. I'm gonna come up with a plan.

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I haven't had time to reply to everyone. I've been severely depressed the past few days and I'm not doing well. If I act differently over the past couple weeks and future weeks that's all I can really explain.

I am a broken record, but as a New Year's post I'm going to summarize this year so I can catalog it and put it behind me because it's mostly been about survival. I don't know how committed I'll be to the forums, but time will tell. I probably will just stay and get over this spell of mine.

The past year saw my relationship with my two roommates fall apart. My first roommate quit his job, got addicted to several things and moved out. Our 7 year friendship ended in 2 months. My other roommate is still friends with me, but I was mislead when he said he wanted to move out because it made me believe I needed a new living situation. I wanted to still live with him, he wanted to return home. I ended up moving home with my mom and then he never moved out for a solid 12 months. 

Moving home with my mother was terrible. It made my commute 3-4 hours per day again. It also took away my independence. She'd harass me about having dinner with her, get angry that I cooked healthy food, picked fights with me for no reason because she just wanted someone to take her aggression from work and prior abuse on, smoked lots of cigarettes, picked on me, blamed me for things that never happened, kept talking to me about personal issues I stated I didn't want to discuss, trying to mentally abuse me in fake arguments, bait me into arguments so we could argue, and much more illogical stuff like saying our arguments caused the heater to stop working. The contrast was that she tried to be loving, wanted me to save money, wanting to be there for me, and would try to buy me things to make me feel better sometimes.

The conflict between happy and unhappy was too unbalanced and volatile and over time it lead me to becoming withdrawn from life. I began to envision a life without my career, friends, or life. I quit my job, I stopped talking to all of my friends, and I contemplated suicide often. I'd spend several days in a row awake, not leaving my room, not bathing, and not eating. I began to think about how this world was a dismal place. How I was a failure. How everyone is terrible. How happiness is fake and questioned the point of existence altogether.

Something happened, though. I went on a bachelor party with my close friends. They comforted me and gave me hope. We celebrated the wedding, but many people talked to me and brought my spirit back to life. I felt happiness for the first time in almost 2 years (2018 was bad). I came home with a vengeance. I called my old employer and asked for my job back and got it. I toured 17 apartments and found a beautiful one. I went back to work and had a welcome back party.

I also had some people at work treat me very poorly for their own selfish reasons. My apartment started malfunctioning and making me motion sick and nauseous. Homeless people were drinking in my parking lot and 2 of them even died on the same night. I was laughed at for complaining about the vibrations until others complained. 

I restored my relationship with my father. He's been supportive and a good person to talk to. It's difficult to trust him fully after what I went through, but he's proving to be better. It's hard to let go of pain. I can remember it and move forward and not hold on to it as much. He understood what he did wrong and listened fully.

By July I began suffering major digestive and depression issues. I was hospitalized and had a few surgical procedures. I lost all of my vacation and sick time because of it along with thousands of dollars. All of the money I saved by living with my mom was now gone and more. 

I got taken advantage of by many friends during the year regarding a separate wedding, fake friend get togethers, and more. I also got taken advantage of by a few "work friends" who just abused hours on my project. I stuck through it and worked a few 60 hour weeks to finish it. I was recognized for my work habits upon returning to work and was promoted to a higher position because of it. It felt good.

My apartment started making me very sick and I moved out to my original apartment. It's only temporary, but maybe I can find a roommate. I decided I don't want to buy a home unless it's perfect because it's going to add stress that I can't handle at the moment. I also don't like living alone I don't think. I'll consider it over time.

I got accepted to take one of the hardest exams in the country to become a professionally licensed engineer for structures. It's an honor and I can take the exam next year now.

I had several instances of dating women this year and they all turned out to be disasters. Part of it is due to not wanting to be around women in a dating environment because I'm worried they'll turn out to be my mom. The other is I wasn't ready. Because of my porn addiction I have no confidence and wasn't going for women in my league. I was shooting for lower women who are abusive or just wanting to use me. 

The sports team I care more about than anything else in life almost won the championship this year, but their loss actually caused a great deal of sorrow and anger within me. They should have won and didn't. It's something I can't control and I have a hard time forgiving them.

2019 saw me reach 62 weeks without video games and 64 weeks without social media. It saw me reduce my alcohol intake to 2 beers per month. I also gained 30 pounds living at my mom's house. I made 10 streaks of going without porn for 1 week at a time. I made it to 17 days without porn once. Unfortunately, with all of the stress of this year I have become addicted to porn so badly right now that I'm watching it 5 times a day. I'd like to change this.

I found that I enjoy hobbies such as rock climbing, 3d modeling, yoga, walking, and tennis. 

I think the moral of this year is that I was able to rise to the occasion in difficult spots and overcome things that I never thought I could. This community really helped me this year to get through some of my issues.

My goals for next year on a macro stage:

  1. Quit porn
  2. Control my anger better
  3. Pass my exam
  4. Find a living solution for at least 1 year so I can find security
  5. Practice weekly habits and daily habits
  6. Get promoted again
  7. Find a girlfriend

My goals for a micro stage:

  1. Exercise, socialize, eat food, meal prep, sleep consistently, and have more fun each week
  2. Wake up in the morning with gratitude journals and go to bed each night with forgiveness journals since I hold grudges very badly and hold on to hate towards other people.
  3. Not ruminate or day dream.

Thanks for reading.

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Hi,

You are such a beautiful person, and I think, sometimes way to hard on yourself. 
 

Did you read the book “No more, Mr Nice Guy?”  I read the pdf download a couple years ago... and even though I am female... I resonated with the main idea. Here are some of my journal notes, that may help you, as I believe we have the same upbringing. 
 

“ When children come into this world they are totally helpless. Every child’s greatest fear is abandonment. To children abandonment means death. If a child does not have a parent who is attuned to them, nurturing them, loving them... the child will begin to think something is wrong with them. A child will believe that it is not acceptable to be who they are, just as they are. 
 

Children try to be good as a defense mechanism to defeat abandonment. To try and prevent it from happening again. They will see a mistake or perceived flaw as proof that they are bad or unlovable.”  
 

Perhaps I am projecting but I hope you found some of the notes helpful. The book is pretty short and an easy read.... and again I downloaded a free pdf version off the internet. 
 

Congratulations on writing your goals. Having a vision is such an important step... and it’s really inspiring. 
 

Thank you for sharing your life with us.

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That's a solid a year end review as I've ever seen. It's good that you've defined a path forward for yourself. Let this year serve as proof as you can get through the dark times.

Also, I was thinking earlier today about your comments regarding a lack of support back on this forum. One of the things you can consider doing, in an attempt to get a higher response rate so to speak, is to specifically state within your posts as to what you would like advice on. Thinking that others may hold similar views to myself, I generally try not to offer advice unless a) it's explicitly asked for, or b)it's something I feel strongly about and I feel that is well within my wheelhouse to answer. The reason for a) is that some people take unsolicited advice the wrong way. Think of when someone who is very junior in a given field would be received if they offered critiques of someone far more senior in their field. Generally, it's not received well, and on this forum, while it's not a matter of junior/senior, its a matter of the fact that it's random strangers offering this advice, which in the real world would come off as strange and socially uncalibrated in most in-person situations. The reason for b) is merely practical, if I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, why would I offer information that might lead someone astray?  For example, when you talk of your mother and when she behaves in narcissistic ways, I can't really respond to that because I haven't dealt with true narcissism on that close of a personal level. Furthermore, in this specific example, because of my lack of experience with stuff like that, I may be totally mischaracterizing your mother's behavior (which if that's the case, then my apologies). 

I think if you call it out an ask for help within your posts more specifically, I think you would get more responses as a) would be eliminated, and some more of the b)'s might take a stab at it in good faith. 

Also, while you've had sort of "meta" posts stating that you wish you had some more support from the forum with your issues, it might be a bit unfair to just expect help back without some sort of agreement on both parties. Anything short of that is a covert contact which can't be upheld. If I expect my boss/co-worker/friend/SO to behave in a certain way, and I don't tell them nor do they agree to it, it's unfair on my part to get upset with them. People, myself included, all come here with the primary intent of helping themselves first. I imagine when you first came upon GameQuitters, your first thought was not "How do I help others," it was "How do I help myself with my video game problem?" If you were the first one, you're a saint (unsarcastic),  otherwise, it's normal. 

I really want you to get the help you need since you've been going through so much. Hope this helps.

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1 hour ago, DaBest said:

That's a solid a year end review as I've ever seen. It's good that you've defined a path forward for yourself. Let this year serve as proof as you can get through the dark times.

Also, I was thinking earlier today about your comments regarding a lack of support back on this forum. One of the things you can consider doing, in an attempt to get a higher response rate so to speak, is to specifically state within your posts as to what you would like advice on. Thinking that others may hold similar views to myself, I generally try not to offer advice unless a) it's explicitly asked for, or b)it's something I feel strongly about and I feel that is well within my wheelhouse to answer. The reason for a) is that some people take unsolicited advice the wrong way. Think of when someone who is very junior in a given field would be received if they offered critiques of someone far more senior in their field. Generally, it's not received well, and on this forum, while it's not a matter of junior/senior, its a matter of the fact that it's random strangers offering this advice, which in the real world would come off as strange and socially uncalibrated in most in-person situations. The reason for b) is merely practical, if I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, why would I offer information that might lead someone astray?  For example, when you talk of your mother and when she behaves in narcissistic ways, I can't really respond to that because I haven't dealt with true narcissism on that close of a personal level. Furthermore, in this specific example, because of my lack of experience with stuff like that, I may be totally mischaracterizing your mother's behavior (which if that's the case, then my apologies). 

I think if you call it out an ask for help within your posts more specifically, I think you would get more responses as a) would be eliminated, and some more of the b)'s might take a stab at it in good faith. 

Also, while you've had sort of "meta" posts stating that you wish you had some more support from the forum with your issues, it might be a bit unfair to just expect help back without some sort of agreement on both parties. Anything short of that is a covert contact which can't be upheld. If I expect my boss/co-worker/friend/SO to behave in a certain way, and I don't tell them nor do they agree to it, it's unfair on my part to get upset with them. People, myself included, all come here with the primary intent of helping themselves first. I imagine when you first came upon GameQuitters, your first thought was not "How do I help others," it was "How do I help myself with my video game problem?" If you were the first one, you're a saint (unsarcastic),  otherwise, it's normal. 

I really want you to get the help you need since you've been going through so much. Hope this helps.

I agree. I'm going to change the way I approach the forums. The first few months of me on this website had people pretty dedicated to helping me solve my problems and I was also dedicated to helping them solve their problems. I've seen that step back a bit. I've had long stretches this year where I've been commenting in hopes of getting people to help comment on mine a bit. I get angry about it because it's something I really appreciated and missed having. I used to ask things specifically and had some good connections with people on here. Things have just changed a bit. I say this and don't take for granted the help that I have received, so for the people who have stuck around, I appreciate it and not complaining about you in any way.

I also know what you are saying about seniority. I came on to this website to quit games and help others quit, but also to find some community to feel like I belonged. Over the past year I've actually become the 4th most viewed and commented thread in the 4 year history of the website and my introduction story is the most viewed one in the Starting Out section of the forums. I don't say this to brag, because that's not something to brag about. I'm saying it as an understanding that people new to the website might not feel comfortable speaking or giving advice to me. I'm almost 63 weeks clean from gaming now and it might seem tough to bridge that gap. 

I just think I miss the camaraderie I felt I had in the beginning. I also think it's a sign that I need to finally do a better job at finding friends in real life. I have my coworkers, but as stated in the past it's not the best idea to be friends with them outside of work. I also haven't been rock climbing or playing board games or walking. I've grown resentful towards others who are happy because I am not. That's not fair to them and I hope to change that this year.

You're right about my mom being a narcissist. I won't get offended by it at all so no need to apologize. I've blitzed her plenty in my posts from December 2018 to now. I think if I complain about her I'm mainly looking for general support and opinion to see if I'm right in the situation or if she's right and I handled it inappropriately. I can be over the top pretty often.

I appreciate the comment. I think I'm mostly posting as cries for help because of how much I'm struggling, how isolated I am, and what I wish I had again. I also don't want people to feel responsible for helping me. I guess I just feel like I had X amount of support and now I have Y amount of support. I'm grateful for the Y amount of support.

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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