Vidar

Great job, congrats, May the none gaming force be with you for another year!

I think I am soon reaching my 90day no-gaming period. This is the longest I have been without gaming since I was a teenager. I feel depressed because no matter how much I try to change myself I keep falling back into my old habits. I dress in a weird way, not my age. I have difficulties keeping myself and my home clean, I behave in a weird way so that people don’t want to be my friends. And I can’t change it! It just feels so hopeless. what’s the point of spending all this money on therapy when I’m not getting any happier. What is the point of living when you are not happy? When every day is a shitshow. I started drinking a bit, like a bottle per day just to cope with things. I guess that’s a more grown up addiction at least.

I have not written in a while. Work and bathroom renovations + flu drained me of energy. today I went ti see a play in town. Historically watching people perform has triggered intense social phobia. Live acting and performances also trigger my sense of being less worth or not belonging, so I’ve always avoided them. I really liked it and will do it again. I have also signed up for an improvisation acting class, 15 times, once a week. It’s going to be crazy. It’s also in a foreign language so super difficult. i mean, I can’t even open my mouth properly when I sing... I have also signed up for a choir, so I will go and see what it is like on Tuesday. Wednesday to Friday I will be business traveling and then the week after I will have some super important deadlines... my life is just boiling over right now. on Friday I met a new therapist. She is specialized in sex counseling, not a sex therapist. I wanted to talk to her about all my issues, but she seemed a bit inexperienced. Let’s see how it goes. edit: in the past weeks when I lost my senses I started fantasizing about gaming again. Then I watched some game trailers and felt that NOPE I’m super done with that crap! Very good Vidar!

I did a group therapy program for social phobia which was based on KBT. It was really good for that purpose. Now that I think about it, one of the topics there was how social phobia and anxiety makes us self centered. This makes it harder to focus on the other person, which in turn makes it easy to do mistakes. I will have a look at the book! thanks for the advice @ElectroNugget

I think I will have to not be negative around other people, or complain about things. It’s classic management tactic to see problems and disasters as challenges. It’s cheesy but it’s true, since it spreads positive energy. I think I have not practiced bringing positivity (cake to colleagues, organized parties, positive conversational subjects, compliments) to social settings. I have tried complimenting people more, but it just does not come naturally for me. staying on topic is certainly good and also be concise. When I write emails I try to only write a sentence or two, use bullets. Sometimes when talking I can do it for hours. I also got a tip on reddit I think to ask for permission before talking about heavy stuff with friends. Even for complaining. Not sure how rigid to be about it, but at least for the heaviest traumas it could be an idea. But there is like everyday overwhelm, where this is applicable, and panic attacks due to crisis. That’s more what I’ve been going through over the weekend. thanks for the advice @BooksandTrees!

I talked to my dad about the bathroom and he thought it could use a renovation. i woke up at 13.00 today but did not feel like I had slept an hour for the whole night. I still feel like shit. I reached out to some renovation companies to start the process. Problem is it will probably take like 2-3 months and I’m loosing 1000 eur per month due to living double housing. Not sure what I should do. it won’t ruin me financially but it makes me angry. i have a huge amount of work that needs to be done also. the good thing I will be busy at least, and I will lots of time to practice on my poor social skills. I just don’t want to feel this constant anxiety...

Thanks @BooksandTrees, you are perfectly right. I know I’m not fun to be around. I’m quite pessimistic and negative. People have complained about it my entire life. I’m 35 so that’s a long time.. it feels like a personality trait by now. I don’t know what to do with the stress and anxiety. I will try to get a doctors appointment tomorrow at work to get some pills, because this is not working. I can’t afford to loose more friends. I’m bankrupt on that front.

I’m also planning on some dental work. It’s very expensive though. Not sure if it will be worth it considering wearing retainers for the rest of my life. money issues are such a drag on everything. It just sucks the joy out of things. I hope you find space to save money in the future.

As a student, doing those volunteer jobs as a habit is a fantastic way to network and build a social life. I did it sporadically but if you do it consistently you will learn lots of life skills!

Thanks for the comment @ElectroNugget! I think if a person feels toxic it is ok to silently block them. Of course it is better to tell the person, but if you don’t feel like being friends anymore it is ok. I did this with a friend of my own after repeated arguments by advice from my therapist. The problem I think is that I’m being too honest, dumping my problems on them. I wear out friendships quickly. You are right about the self compassion, I’m slowly getting better at it. I stabilized a bit yesterday evening. Friday, Saturday I was up at 9/10 in anxiety. Just chaos. Now I’m down to maybe 5/10. to get better at social skills I signed up on a course in improv theater. 10 times. Let’s see how it goes.

Still in panic mode 12h later. I just hate myself for fucking things up so much. My insane lack of social skills and my financial fuckups. I just want to feel safe. need to go out and buy a laundry machine. New apartment does not have one. if I don’t use the shower in the new apartment I can live there safely. I will smell a bit but that’s ok I guess.

I’m going through a crisis. For some time now I have noticed that several friends and relatives have been slow to respond to text messages and such. Now I realized they have blocked me. I looked through social media and text message logs. It’s just my messages there and I can’t see their posts on Instagram. Feels really shitty that I can’t maintain relationships or behave since I only have 1 friend left now outside my family and colleagues. I know the reasons also. I’ve not maintained boundaries with them, you know the appropriate social codes. Of course I creep them out. i also found some issues with the apartment I bought and I could not help myself from sending text messages to the seller and to the broker in the middle of the night on Friday. Im loosing my mind... next week I will start family therapy with dad at least and on Friday I will need a sex therapist. I’ve been leaking emotions and behaved really weirdly the whole autumn. I don’t know what to do...

I survived the holidays! Now i need more vacation... I have spent time with all my friends and family. It was a great time. I also spent a lot of time with the children of my sisters and my friends. I’m like the cool uncle with the cool gadgets. I like this role ? I chatted with a woman on and off over the weekend. tomorrow I will be off, just washing my clothes and preparing for the move.

Gratitude journal i am grateful for my familj and friends of my familj for organizing Christian partiets. i am grateful for the compliment i got from a younger attractive woman for my sweater. i am grateful for the reply I got from my tinder dates whisking merry Christmas. I am grateful for a Christmas greeting I got from a crappy friend I ditched some time ago. One amazing thing that happened/I did today i got a compliment for my sweater from this friend of the family. She is about 6 years younger and I’ve always had a crush on her. Workout/run None too lazy What I ate Some yoghurt and musli for breakfast. Porridge for lunch. Candy for afternoon snack. Christmas dinner. Candy and a couple of beers late in the evening. I did not have any drinks while eating, to avoid starting to blabber and leak emotions. what I will eat tomorrow Leftovers from today, candy and beer ? Arts Took a bunch of pictures of family and friends. Singing We sang some Christmas songs. I used the techniques I learned. Not perfectly on tone but smooth pressure and breathing. social activities Met with family and friends. Meditation maybe creepy but I watched some porn in the afternoon. Wanted to control/own my sexuality in the context of my parents home. Visualisation i will meet my friends after Christmas and have a great time! Daily affirmation My voice and opinions matter. Reading + taking notes Read some chapters in a book called Lust. Its about couples in therapy and about how sex and intimacy and love are separate things. I think I fit the profile that craves closeness and love. But this also kills sexual tension. I will read it and review it more in depth later on. Getting to bed before 9pm Nopes Weekly Goal(s) Be social and enjoy it on my terms. Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci done) 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family What went well today i Socialized to the extent I wanted to. What I could have done to make my day better: i could have helped out more in the cooking part. What I will do differently tomorrow: Work out.

I think the word “excuses” is very important here, as it’s a way to escape responsibility. I blame my parents for a lot of things. Though I think I have the right to be angry at them for not raising me well and taking care of their own issues, it’s not their job to fix me as an adult. If you read the above post about Christmas, it’s clear that while they avoided putting expectations and trust as well as wanted me to be an capable adult, I equally avoided to take on those responsibilities on my own. I have done an enormous amount of harm to myself and I keep doing it. I think the only way of dealing with it is to absorb the responsibility, shame in small bits and keep at it over a longer timeframe. There is just so much of it for one serving. About the negative thinking.. I think I’ve done it for my whole life as I remember people complaining about my pessimism in early school. I read a bit about it and it is to some degree genetic, to some degree learned behavior. I think I need to somehow package it better, since it’s difficult to completely eradicate personality traits. One component is definitely fear. I was afraid my whole childhood from my mother and bullies in school. So my amygdala has become overactive. One of my therapists said that the only way to retrain it is by breathing excercises (it’s in the reptile brain). So that’s what I will do.