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Vera

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Everything posted by Vera

  1. Vera

    Moving on

    Hello everyone! Some of you definitely know me because I'm a member of the Discord chat under the same name (my previous nickname - Farant). For those who don't - my name is Vera, I'm 25 years old, female, from Russia. My English isn't particularly great, so don't mind my mistakes, please. I felt the need to start journaling after something bad happened in my personal life just yesterday. I've been journaling for more than 10 years on paper, so I know the drill. I'm afraid to touch my journal right now, I'll get back to it later when I'm ready. I've been a gaming addict for several years, abandoned gaming and the internet entirely for a couple of months, but it didn't really help a lot. Games were my escape from reality. I think I started thinking about it seriously last spring, became familiar with GameQuitters on Youtube. I used to play very niche online game with the toxic community, servers that died every now and then, the game was very addictive. I quit only when I got really angry at myself for wasting so much time on nothing. As time went on, I've joined Discord, did about 40 days out of 90, relapsed multiple times and eventually decided I want to play, but only one game because of my boyfriend. But the game gave me strong motion sickness, I didn't like it and I already deleted it, so I have nothing on my hard drive. I enjoy keeping an aquarium, knitting, programming, reading, journaling (obviously). I’m into Stoicism, I’m far from perfect but I’m using every opportunity to learn more and apply it in my life. I can’t say my life is empty, but I feel empty right now. I have the chance to turn it 180 degrees. I decided I’ll go to the gym once again and just try to be social, let it be the first step. It will help me hold on and not give in to depression right away. I’ve also asked my friend to go to the cinema with me when the new How to train your dragon comes out. The more I reach out to people, the more I realize I have friends I can count on. So here I am, day one. I’ve prepared things I need for the gym, tried to eat (not very successful, but better than nothing) and it’s time to go to sleep.
  2. Vera

    Moving on

    Oh, I had my tooth repaired and it's better than it was. My dentist did a perfect job. I recommended her to my colleague. I have no pain in my body except for the teeth pain, but it will go away soon. I'm doing a lot of writing. I have 4 penpals and I'm writing a lot every evening. I REALLY must learn blind typing or I'll spend eternity just typing all these long letters. I also have a good reason to study English even more. I feel restricted because I lack fluidity and freedom when I'm trying to express something more complicated. I'm also trying to determine if I should continue learning and developing in Python or I need to eat the frog and invest myself into something like C++ (and probably math). Since I'm resting today, I will go to sleep earlier.
  3. Vera

    TSL's Journal

    @TwoSidedLife don't worry... Learn from it and move on. Seek real social interaction. Keep improving and don't stop! :)
  4. Vera

    JustTom's Journal 3

    @JustTom hey, showing up and admitting you have problems means you are already commited, even if for a teeny tiny bit. Being busy and doing hard but necessary stuff will help you. Keep going and keep journaling. :)
  5. Vera

    Moving on

    I came home at 21. Really late for me. I was doing my gym routine for around 2 hours and every minute of it was worth it. I had some time all by myself. I forgot everything and just concentrated on technique. I was a bit surprised when I found out I have 40 minutes of cardio before strength training, but I used it to try and run for a short time. Since my knees are weaker than I'd like them to be, I was a bit afraid, but it was okay. I guess I won't stress myself and just use other cardio machines. I wonder what parts of my body will be sore tomorrow... I visited my dentist, and one tooth needs to be fixed, so I have another appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I'll entertain myself with doing some mental work tomorrow, I'll have a rest day and plenty of time in the evening. I started dreaming again. I have pretty interesting dreams, but I forget them as soon as I wake up and start to move around.
  6. Vera

    Moving on

    My weekend ended pretty well. I found some peace and calmness, I'm kind of detached most of the time and it is what I need. I'm sleepy, quite tired from doing absolutely nothing last two days and I miss gym. No sedatives needed so far, and I think the hardest part of all this mess is over. I was able to write in my diary today. All of you who are still thinking 'how a journal can help me get through my detox/quitting', you are underestimating the simple truth of it: getting something out of your head and making it into a structured sentences is an excellent way to understand yourself more and act based on what you've learned. I missed my diary like an old friend. In fact, it is my oldest and most faithful friend. It is me. Good night.
  7. Vera

    Dear Diary...

    @BooksandTrees good luck! I believe you will do everything you want today.
  8. Vera

    Daily journal of a nervous father

    Your story is so interesting! I think you can make a prototype of your board game out of paper, for example, I'm sure you have loads of colored paper, so why not?
  9. Vera

    Ninety Days Worth the Pain

    @Lea you are doing well! That's okay if you make mistakes, you learn from them. The ability to think straight under pressure is a skill and you will learn how to do that with practice. Keep going! :)
  10. Vera

    TSL's Journal

    Hey, I think you should not count this as a failure. You managed to realize what you need and stop. Count this as a win!
  11. Vera

    Onlysoul

    Get better!
  12. Vera

    Moving on

    I suspect it can be a result of stress + sedative. I'll wait some more and if I won't get better I'll visit a doctor.
  13. Vera

    Moving on

    The day was painful. Spent some time putting away things that can trigger my memories, cried hard, but my desk is clean now. I can at least touch my diary again. I've decided to use a new paper for it and I'm pretty excited to try how it will work with my fountain pen. My health is still failing pretty miserably. I have a weird knot in my stomach, I've never experienced something like this before. My body just can't handle it without any harmful consequences. I'm grateful it's not a heart attack. I spent my evening watching some youtube and I don't feel any guilt. I should come up with more useful alternatives though, preferably non-fiction because fiction is almost always equals romance and I can't stand that now.
  14. Vera

    Moving on

    @Catherine17 @Mouxine thank you for your kind words! I'm slowly getting better. Yeah, Mouxine, you're right, I've been with the wrong person. Way too many times, to be honest. Gaming doesn't bother me that much. I have to watch for cravings I might want to try to use as an escape, but I can hunt those thoughts down pretty quickly.
  15. Vera

    TSL's Journal

    @TwoSidedLife your attention is definitely getting better. Noticing small details can be really useful. I believe you will accomplish all of your tasks :)
  16. Vera

    Moving on

    My day was bad. Kept myself from crying by taking sedatives and it didn't help so much. I made it through the day, but I was on the edge of a breakdown. I was lonely, frustrated, angry at myself, hopeless... Didn't eat, had no appetite, I was nauseous and weak and tired. I have slightly raised body temperature, around 37, so I'm sick and will spend all weekend in bed to try and get better. I miss gym, but I have no choice. I hope a long sleep will fix me.
  17. Vera

    Moving on

    Well, I'm definitely sick. I went to work and I hope I will make it to the end of the work day. @BooksandTrees my meltdown is kind of over, I'm not that desperate anymore. I know I will go through it and I just don't have any time or desire left to pity myself. Being alone is not the end of the world, I have more things to do than I can count and all world is open for me. I dreamt about bike touring, might as well work to make it happen.
  18. Vera

    Dear Diary...

    Hey, I'm so happy for you! It feels good to read how well your day was. Just remember to rest and do not fall into overtraining, and you will be fine. Your good news cheer me up too!
  19. Vera

    Moving on

    No gym today, everything hurts and I feel broken. Did nothing, just sat in the kitchen. I'm afraid I'm getting sick. I have absolutely stupid thoughts like 'it will never be as good as it was, you're going to be alone for the rest of your life'. I really need my sedative.
  20. Vera

    TSL's Journal

    @TwoSidedLife have a good weekend!
  21. Vera

    Life changing journey

    @WuqingDi welcome! That's good you decided to start journaling. It is a great tool to get to know what's going on. Grayscale your phone, it will make youtube less interesting.
  22. Vera

    VGRM Detox #2

    Video games were overstimulating your brain. So a period of boredom is pretty normal, look for hobbies or activities that can fill your time and give you something to look forward to. :)
  23. Vera

    Moving on

    Today is a good day. I came home and had some free time, so I did a water change in my aquarium. Found one more dead shrimp, I guess there's only one left. I also can't find one small fish, I think it's gone too. I don't know what's wrong with my setup this time. I remember the same cherry shrimps were breeding like crazy when I kept them several years ago, I had to give them away for free. I probably should buy some more from another breeder. I decided I can go to the gym today as well. I wasn't feeling particularly fine, I ate something that triggered my digestive system but it didn't stop me from doing a small cardio workout. I walked for 5 km, and it would be really boring if I didn't watch the movie. I should probably try something else next time. Cycling would be nice. I will use sedative for 3 more days and try to go without it. I have a small habit to place it alongside with my other supplement every morning. I noticed I don't need too many repetitions to include a new action into my routine. Don't know what else to write about. I'll just go to sleep. :)
  24. Vera

    Moving on

    @marcopolobus I will keep it up of course. Being in a good shape will really help me find a good mate when I decide to look for one. ;)
  25. Vera

    Moving on

    @BooksandTrees yes, I meant the relationship. Great job! Exercises will cheer you up no matter what! Oh I know who you're talking about, his channel is called AthleanX, right? I have some of his videos in my favourites. The cozy sweater is everything behind the decision to quit, your reasons, your goals. The best thing about it is that no one can take it from you. @Mouxine being betrayed sucks, but I won't dwell on it and make myself miserable. I like Seneca and his ideas, and I definitely will have questions, thank you :)
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