Jump to content

Question of the week: Where do you see yourself in 20 years?

Vera

Members
  • Content Count

    105
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Vera

  1. Vera

    Moving on

    Hello everyone! Some of you definitely know me because I'm a member of the Discord chat under the same name (my previous nickname - Farant). For those who don't - my name is Vera, I'm 25 years old, female, from Russia. My English isn't particularly great, so don't mind my mistakes, please. I felt the need to start journaling after something bad happened in my personal life just yesterday. I've been journaling for more than 10 years on paper, so I know the drill. I'm afraid to touch my journal right now, I'll get back to it later when I'm ready. I've been a gaming addict for several years, abandoned gaming and the internet entirely for a couple of months, but it didn't really help a lot. Games were my escape from reality. I think I started thinking about it seriously last spring, became familiar with GameQuitters on Youtube. I used to play very niche online game with the toxic community, servers that died every now and then, the game was very addictive. I quit only when I got really angry at myself for wasting so much time on nothing. As time went on, I've joined Discord, did about 40 days out of 90, relapsed multiple times and eventually decided I want to play, but only one game because of my boyfriend. But the game gave me strong motion sickness, I didn't like it and I already deleted it, so I have nothing on my hard drive. I enjoy keeping an aquarium, knitting, programming, reading, journaling (obviously). I’m into Stoicism, I’m far from perfect but I’m using every opportunity to learn more and apply it in my life. I can’t say my life is empty, but I feel empty right now. I have the chance to turn it 180 degrees. I decided I’ll go to the gym once again and just try to be social, let it be the first step. It will help me hold on and not give in to depression right away. I’ve also asked my friend to go to the cinema with me when the new How to train your dragon comes out. The more I reach out to people, the more I realize I have friends I can count on. So here I am, day one. I’ve prepared things I need for the gym, tried to eat (not very successful, but better than nothing) and it’s time to go to sleep.
  2. Vera

    Moving on

    I'm slowly getting my routine together. I finally decided to make use of Blitz and this app is good, exactly what I need, no more and no less. I use it to make my daily to-do list and kind of create my schedule all the way down to mundane things like clean my desk or do a water change. I also use Google Keep to write anything that interests me to look it up later, I always have something nice and interesting to google if I'm bored. The last part of the triad is Markor, text editor which serves as a diary and a food tracker. I actually like to write and I need it when things get tough, it's the way to clear my mind. Once again, the editor on this site is behaving strangely, I can't use Enter. But it's not important. I found Forest app on my phone and decided that it would be nice to use it. So my goal is to get 500 points to "buy" a new tree. I'm very stressed today so I try to calm down without using my phone, and doing my tasks one by one, slowly and as good as I can is helping me a lot.
  3. Vera

    Moving on

    I hate weekends. Really. I don't seem to be able to stick to my habits. I care for my fish, but I do not do the same for myself. I remember that Peterson talked about it in his book, and I think it is a pretty good point. I disrupted my routine, ruined every possible sleep schedule, didn't do a proper workout for a long time, and I deserve apathy as a result! It is all my fault of not planning ahead enough, not being mindful, not doing what I should and I will fix that.
  4. Vera

    Moving on

    The weekend is going well. I'd say I've slept for half of the time but I finally feel like I can do something without yawning my head off. My focus also got much better. I really need to make my sleeping schedule more consistent because I feel pretty bad if I don't sleep enough. Well, I searched for a bicycle and found a nice one that's not ridiculously expensive. I might buy it after my summer vacation is over, if I still feel like it. I also did some math and was pretty disappointed with my salary. I'll also find a new job during vacation if no promotion will be offered to me. We'll see how it goes. Still can't find the app that will be good for tracking my food. Might as well return to simply writing it in a random text editor and adding some notes, because I waste more time on searching for the app than actually writing what I eat. And my memory is pretty bad because I just eat stuff and forget it immediately, I don't remember what I had for breakfast. Guess a simple editor with highlighting what I eat as good or bad will help me, it's a pretty good idea after all. I watched a stream a day ago or so, and it was boring. I guess being mindful about what content I consume lead me to watch less yt and less pinterest pretty naturally. It happened almost without forcing anything.
  5. Vera

    Moving on

    Time flies by! My knees got better, did a long walk on a treadmill yesterday and I don't feel any pain now. I want to repeat the walk today because I really need to work out, and I will try to do half of my usual routine. I wasn't motivated to do much, but I feel more inclined to do something now. Something is always better than nothing.
  6. I quit because I was tired of toxic community and I didn't want to waste my time anymore, to escape into virtual world. At some point I've just had enough of repetitive numbing game process, stupid jokes, long pointless streams, I turned the game off and deleted it. I relapsed along the way, and it gave me mixed feelings, but I am much happier and healthier now. I have goals, I keep working and improving my life every day and I take good care of myself.
  7. Vera

    Moving on

    My knees give me trouble. I can't workout properly because they flare up very easily even if I just walk on the treadmill. I decided to stop and give myself one more weekend to rest. My tablet suddenly decided to break. That's why I don't like Windows, I have almost no control over what my pc is doing on the background. And it's bloated. I think that Microsoft this and Microsoft that just takes up space and precious resources without being really useful. I thought the tablet would replace my pc, I've been searching for a part in my pc that makes strange noise, but it seems I'll lose the opportunity to study in the kitchen. That's unfortunate. I was looking for something to replace Anki with, and I found Memorion. I don't know yet how good the app is, it just seems to be fairly comfortable to use. I keep studying on my own. I can't say I enjoy the process, it just needs to be done and it's not that pleasant sometimes, but I keep going.
  8. Vera

    Moving on

    Everything is fine. I went back to the gym tonight and did some easy cardio to determine if my knees are holding up. It turns out they are, but I have to wait until tomorrow to know for sure. It is making me a bit anxious. I have lots of tiny fry to feed now. I am actually happy because my aquarium looks so full now and I enjoy watching little ones searching for food. It's so cute! I haven't found the right note taking system which will allow me to keep track of what I eat. It's a hard task to find something that suits me. So I'm still searching.
  9. Vera

    Moving on

    It's been a long time since I wrote something. My life took several rather strange turns but I enjoy it. I'm still learning how to negotiate with myself, and I made quite a long list of things I would like to change. I am aware of how fine the line between trying as hard as you can and burnout is, so it's all about balance. I stumble upon gaming related videos on youtube and I don't hesitate to click 'not interested' button anymore. Not playing games is a part of me now, I no longer ask questions or search for a reason to stay away from gaming. I have important stuff to do. That's cool to know I've passed the point of no return. I also don't dwell on my breakup at all. I'm doing really well considering how hard it was to survive the first two weeks. It makes me happy. :)
  10. Vera

    Moving on

    I'm feeling worse tonight. Not physically (my knees are almost fully healed by now), but mentally. It's hard to concentrate, I am bored and my attention is all over the place. I managed to start a course on English grammar, but got distracted quickly and finished just one assignment. Better than none. I also knitted for a while and fed my fish. I feed them very carefully and make sure that there's no overfeeding. I feel lonely. I usually feel this way if I hang out on social media more than needed. No one sends anything to me and I'm disappointed because I still want to talk, but I end up writing into my diary and cheering myself up because I did well tonight.
  11. Vera

    Moving on

    @BooksandTrees taking breaks is helping your productivity, not going against it. Have you tried Pomodoro technique? It might be useful to structure your time more if you need to do some work at home, takes off some part of planning off your shoulders AND gives you breaks at the same time.
  12. Vera

    Moving on

    Last two days were strange. I had a strange kind of food poisoning and was nauseous for two days. It made me a bit irritable, I don't do well when I am sick. This evening was better. I almost recovered and had a good time: listened to music, wrote a long entry into the diary, knitted some more and ordered a bunch of stuff from Aliexpress. I don't feel guilty for being not very productive. I used to beat myself up for not using my time properly, I fell prey to the common misconception like you should go from gaming all the time to being insanely productive all the time. I found that a good old laziness recharges me very well when I do want to postpone everything and just do my day-to-day stuff without being in a hurry because I planned so much and did so little. It allows me to peek out of my shell and be curious for a while.
  13. Vera

    Moving on

    I watched series in the evening after I came home. I am knitting and listening to Russian translation. Had to sacrifice the original sound to be able to multitask. 5 out of 10 danios are dead now. I see two more aren't very healthy as well. It's really sad to lose them, but I can't do much. They keep getting sick where Endlers thrive. I just concentrated on the plants and left the fish alone.
  14. Vera

    Dear Diary...

    @BooksandTrees hey, you write long posts! It's interesting and sad to read them. About your mom, mend what you can, make it work so you both aren't strangers and can communicate as adults and move on. There's something you won't be able to change in her and no amount of talking will fix that. If your home makes you anxious, try to spend a night somewhere else and see if your anxiety changes. Have you tried it already? And you definitely have black and white bias, I don't remember how it's called exactly, but you tend to see the world only as black or white without anything in between. Do you make to-do lists for each day? How do you do that? What approach do you use? Do you have some kind of schedule, a plan for the day? If you do, is there some time you set aside for yourself? Just to have fun, go out, listen to music, write, be active?
  15. Vera

    Moving on

    I ended up not liking any planner I managed to find. I searched well though. Guess I'll have more ideas about that in the future. Just scheduled my facebook account for deletion. I felt the old pain waking up in me when I saw his face, do I have some kind of PTSD? I was tempted to talk to him, to just write a couple lines and satisfy my longing, but it will never be as it was. Talking to him will return me to day one, to all the pain and self-hatred and confusion and stress and false hopes. I've suffered too badly to allow that.
  16. Vera

    Moving on

    @BooksandTrees thank you for your kind words! I try to keep up with my decisions and I'm happy whenever my day went well. I'm a bit burnt out, but I'll be okay soon.
  17. Vera

    Moving on

    Friday was short and I guess pretty normal. I didn't go to the graveyard, just attended the dinner with family. Went home and tried to sleep after that, but I can't sleep when it is not dark outside, so I got up again and wrote a long entry in my diary. I really love my new fountain pen. It's a pleasure to write with. I've been looking at various planners on the internet for some time. No luck. I will try to decorate my current binder which I use as a diary, there are so many options to avoid buying a new one. I want to change the look of the cover and I can make it as pretty as I want to. Simple! And I'll avoid constant flashbacks when I look at the old binder I used as a diary before. I don't want to remember all that happened, good or bad.
  18. Vera

    Moving on

    Thank you! I'm not sad though. I think she's free now and I should be happy for her. She has been ill for a couple of years and it made her tired and unwilling to live.
  19. Vera

    Moving on

    I've helped my sister after work, it required some going back and forth. I was in a good mood when I finished work, but after I did what she asked from me, I felt much worse. I saw that someone mentioned "small mental breakdown" at Discord, I guess I can follow my own advice and go to sleep asap to get over it. I think I've pushed myself too far at the gym yesterday. I was told to replace the exercise that was painful to do with another one, and I did 6 sets. It was too much of a good thing, my knees didn't like it and I have some trouble moving around, especially when I'm walking downstairs. It will take some time to recover. I won't go to the gym tomorrow. My close relative died yesterday and I will attend a funeral. I took half a day off from work to do that, but that's another story.
  20. Vera

    Moving on

    Don't have a lot of time to write long posts. I'm sticking to the gym, watching what I eat and I am proud of myself after every workout I complete. I stick to the gym no matter what and it is such a good thing. I see results, I push myself in a safe environment, I test my limits and get to know what I am capable of. I've just scratched the surface of myself, I have so much more to discover. It is fascinating. Thoughts about gaming don't appear in my head often. I am so busy with my goals I have no desire to waste my time on games. I realised how pointless it is to play your life away, I don't like the direction in which the industry seems to evolve, so I just don't want to download and install anything. I know I can do that, but I also know that I'll be bored to death and full of regret after 5 minutes.
  21. Vera

    Moving on

    My coding project is such entertainment for me. I can work on it for hours, read everything I can find to solve my problem, try and retry. I'm happy when I finally do what I've planned for today. Even if the question is small, it is very rewarding to find the answer. I found myself still hanging out on youtube while I eat. I have to think about how to change this habit. I want to use earphones because I hate TV (my mom watches unbearably cringy shows), but I tend to choose cringy stuff on yt and it wastes my time. I seem to stick to my skin care routine. I scheduled the procedures I want to do during the week and I just do them when the time comes. I first thought that I would use a bullet journal, but the todo app is more convenient.
  22. Vera

    Moving on

    Good and bad news came today. I don't really have anything to say about bad news, it's a personal matter, but I'm brave enough to meet them without fear. People I know make me happy by achieving their goals. Isn't that good to be genuinely happy for someone else's win? Games built on competition teach us to hate it when others are better, but it has nothing to do with how real life works. You have to share and be ready to help and play together (reasonably) to be welcomed pretty much anywhere. If you notice you are developing hatred for ones who have something in game you doesn't have without any other reason, you're breeding toxicity in yourself and others. Leave games so a piece of code won't change you into someone you don't want to be.
  23. Vera

    Moving on

    6 pm. I did some of the things I've planned, but not all of them yet, I still have some time though. I've been cautious while shopping today and avoided some unnecessary purchases. But I love good stationery, I bought 1000 paper clips that look like bronze for less than 1$. I'd say my city is a stationery desert - you can't get truly interesting stuff. Of course, they sell Moleskines and Parkers, but that's way too overpriced for me. I managed to damage my left index fingernail while eating dried fish. Yeah, I'm a genius.
  24. Vera

    Moving on

    The first part of the weekend was very good. I did many things I wanted to do, started to do some coding again, went to the gym, did a usual water change and fed fish. I even had the time to stretch on my bed in the middle of the day and write a long entry into my journal. The weather is bad and I'll stay home tomorrow. I have some things planned for tomorrow as well, I think I need to write my tasks somewhere. @Catherine17 thank you! Yes, I find it easier to not eat when I am not hungry now. I found that I have no problems being hungry for some time if I don't have any snacks/food at hand, but I tend to eat everything I see. Drinking water helps to some extent, but my older colleague keeps leaving the snacks (mostly cookies or candy) on my desk if she doesn't want to eat them. I think she has an actual eating disorder because she's obese and can't stick to a healthy diet.
  25. Vera

    Moving on

    Week was busy! I didn't go to the gym as planned, every other day, I did my best to stay on track. I believe that cardio is better than nothing, so I went to the gym yesterday and did my usual 40 min of cardio. I couldn't fall asleep until midnight, but I was good today. I noticed that I have a better posture now and it is easier. I don't have to force myself to stand straight, I don't have to fight with my own tight muscles, the only problem is that I got used to hunching and this habit needs to be replaced. I found an interesting coding project and I plan to start working on it tomorrow. I have a lot of free time on the weekend and I am dying to do something meaningful. I feel bad about myself if I waste a weekend away and I am so tired of it. I just want to be better. I found an interesting concept in Peterson's book. He says you need to negotiate with yourself and keep your word. So if you clean up a table or water flowers, you can drink a cup of coffee. And you must reward yourself immediately after you finish the task, no matter how small it is. Being honest with yourself is important. I also started keeping track of food I eat. It's a new experience for me. I don't try to count calories, I want to determine how my diet is affecting me and if I need to cut out any more products.
×