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NEW PODCAST: Dealing with Gaming Nostalgia

BooksandTrees

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On 12/6/2019 at 4:33 PM, Phoenixking said:

Congratulations on your promotion! Also, I can relate to the being active stuff. I feel like I am just simply not worth anything if I'm not doing anything. I sometimes think that 'normal' people get their feeling of identity from who they are and what they stand for. I something feel like I'm not like that and I get that identity from what I'm doing or what I've done or achieved.

That is actually the norm my friend. The majority of people allow their accomplishments, possessions, etc. define their self-worth. Very few look for it inside because you can't show off what's inside. This is probably one of the main reasons why video games make such a big deal out of achievements, goals, etc. To prey on that desperate need of most people for external validation (along with the dopamine hits those achievements give of course).

The ironic thing is that deriving your self-worth from within hardens you against attacks on your self-worth from without, which most people struggle with on a daily basis I think. If you have a deep confidence in yourself, of who you are, what you believe in and that what you're doing resonates with your core values, there is very little anyone or anything can do to you to make you doubt yourself.

Congratulations on your promotion, @BooksandTrees!

On 12/5/2019 at 7:50 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm just going to not think about it and see where life takes me.

If you apply this bit to all areas of life, not just love, I think you'll find a great deal of happiness and that elusive inner peace. It's so much easier to be happy with where we're at if we're not constantly resisting against our external circumstances. Just control what you can control and trust that whatever higher power you believe in has a plan for the rest.

Edited by seriousjay
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I'm painfully sad at the moment. I have no emotion really other than emptiness. I'm lonely beyond belief and that's why I relapsed with porn last night. It was terrible. I keep remembering the memories of the past 2 years as I walk the halls of my old apartment that I'm living in again. All gone. 

The move went well. I'm just sad about leaving again. It makes me so upset about how difficult life is. I have nothing left in the tank right now. I'm very empty. I wish for hope, love, and strength. I've used all of mine up this year. 

I feel so betrayed by friends and family. I feel betrayed by myself. I can't focus on work. I'm just fighting back tears and trying to be calm. I'm so embarrassed and lost. I'm such a loser. I feel like an ant. 

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Moving is one of the biggest stressors. Of course you feel sad, angry and defeated. Big change of environment and foundation. Different layout and community. New routines and structure. It’s so tough.

 

You are not alone. Sending all my love, joy and peace. And BIG hugs!!

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You are right and I really appreciate what you're saying. I think I'm slightly over thinking this whole thing. I know it's an oxymoron what I just wrote, but I think I'm reacting to the sadness and exhaustion I'm feeling.

I've allowed myself to reminisce over moments in this apartment that I've shared with my roommates over the years. I was here for 3 years with the same roommates. I never really got over the fact that I had to leave and move on. I had some of my best video game memories here, best parties ever where I hosted over 70 people over 15 times, fun nights with friends just telling jokes, etc. Now it is empty. I never dealt with the pain and repercussions of both our friendships falling apart. I kind of just angrily wrote them off as I left. Now I have time to think and thinking has hurt.

I'm deciding to just treat this like a relationship breakup. I had good times, but I had more bad times than good in the last half of the time together where I was treated unfairly and was upset most days and nights. I can look down the hall and remember seeing my roommate playing RuneScape and laughing out and smoking his vape pen. I walk around the corner and see my other roommate playing Overwatch and yelling at people online.

It was just nice being around people who were enjoying themselves and I was honestly a huge player on both of those games to where I was excited to talk to both of them about it. Things took an angry turn when I quit games. Conversations stopped almost entirely after 4 months of quitting the first time back in April of 2018. We stopped talking entirely in May 2018 until November 2018. In November I found that letter from my other roommate's mom saying she'd help him find jobs so he can leave. I just felt like I wasn't either of their friends and it hurt my feelings.

But I can't get upset over that. I get upset about it because I cherish friendships and relationships. Although I'm socially popular, personally I don't let people in. When I do it's a very deep connection I feel and it hurts. 

Ruminating thoughts are weights that hold us down when we have enough balloons to float somewhere better. 

Now that I've thought about this:

I'm in a beautiful home without the risk of getting robbed or killed in my parking lot. Two people died where I lived in the 5 months I lived there. The commute now is 6 minutes each way instead of 45 minutes. I have 3,000 sq ft of space instead of 998 sq ft. I live on a lake with a deck I can relax on and a large yard instead of a parking lot with no outdoor space. I'm in a 15 minute radius drive of all of my close friends, yoga studio, rock climbing gym, my favorite restaurants, golf courses, tennis courts, outdoor trails, parks, etc. I love this area. I can finally breathe here and relax. I feel like I'm at home. 

I was angry because I had to move 3 times this year and that my friendships didn't work out. I'm moving in the right direction because of my will and hope, my belief, and my support from friends, family, and community here.

Thank you and sorry for posting a lot recently. I've been rather volatile and desperate.

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On 12/9/2019 at 7:01 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Ruminating thoughts are weights that hold us down when we have enough balloons to float somewhere better. 

I'm 100% stealing this quote. Damn that's powerful and true.

You don't have to apologize for posting a lot. It's your journal--you can write as much or as little as you want. You're trying to fix yourself just like everyone else here, and you're going to have to do whatever it is that'll do that.

And on that note, your journal is definitely inspiring. You've been through a lot of stress this year, yet you haven't caved on gaming in over a year, and you keep trying to get things right no matter what. And on top of that, you consistently go out of your way to help others on this forum. You're doing a heck of a job. You'll get to where you want to be eventually.

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1 hour ago, DaBest said:

I'm 100% stealing this quote. Damn that's powerful and true.

You don't have to apologize for posting a lot. It's your journal--you can write as much or as little as you want. You're trying to fix yourself just like everyone else here, and you're going to have to do whatever it is that'll do that.

And on that note, your journal is definitely inspiring. You've been through a lot of stress this year, yet you haven't caved on gaming in over a year, and you keep trying to get things right no matter what. And on top of that, you consistently go out of your way to help others on this forum. You're doing a heck of a job. You'll get to where you want to be eventually.

Thank you for the kind post. I'm happy my words and journey have resonated with people on here. I really want to help others and be a beacon of hope. It makes me feel good to help others. I'm very fortunate to be in this community. 

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Never apologize for expressing your feelings. It’s the only way to move thru them.  These feelings of sadness and pain are valid and completely normal. You have experienced such a great loss in your friendships... it has got to hurt. I am so sorry. 
 

Thank you for sharing so much on here and being vulnerable. Your honesty is quite refreshing. 
 

Sending energy to you during this time. Talk soon. 

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I am sorry you are going through a hard time. I can relate to the empty feeling, that is how I felt when all my friends left me in October and November. I use a little saying when I am going through a hard time, maybe it will help you.

"Today is not a good day, but tomorrow will be a little better."

I have learned that looking to the positives helps me overcome whatever it is I'm facing. I also just want to tell you that you are such a kind person and have taken the time to comfort me when I'm feeling down or give me advice when I need it, so I just want to say thank you and you deserve happiness.

And if you ever need to talk or anything, feel free to message me.

(Also I am glad you got moved ok.)

Edited by Sashiku
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Thanks for the messages. I'm doing a lot better. Work is interesting and I have lots of projects. I'm going to start animating more and hopefully make some money online off of my work at the end of this year once I'm comfortable.

I'm a little frustrated that I had to pay so much money this past week and this past year. I've spent way too much. I'm tired of it. I'm done eating out and done doing expensive hobbies like rock climbing and stuff for right now. It's 30 dollars each time I go. Eating out is like 70 per week. I'm done with that. I need to get back to where I started by bringing lunch each day. I'm done here. This means I'm done "catching up at lunch". All of my friends want to "catch up", but what that means is they unload their lives on me and then barely hear me out except for maybe 2 people. "Let's get drinks". No.

We can cook meals at my house or your house and that's it. I'm done with this crap. I mentioned in prior posts how I fucking hate just sitting and talking. I hate when people gloat about themselves while they stuff their faces in all their glory. You're not special. Nobody is special. You're just an animal on this planet. Fucking step down from your pedestal.

I'm going to avoid eating out the rest of this year unless it's 100% necessary. No stupid vacations, no weddings if possible. I'm done. People need to stop taking from me.

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I was dumb tonight and ate very poorly and don't feel well. I'm very upset with myself about this. Complete ignorance. I went to bed, had a full dream, woke up with extreme heat in bed. It's only been 1.5 hours.  It's also like 10 degrees outside, but the blankets on my bed address so warm it's over 100 degrees. 

I'm cooling off right now in the winter. This is silly. I need to take better care of myself. 

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22 hours ago, Sashiku said:

"Today is not a good day, but tomorrow will be a little better."

That's a great quote! It reminds me of one of my favourite songs. It's about expressing how tomorrow may be better, working towards a better future and all of that, yay goodies! But it's okay to fucking scream about how today really fucking sucks XD 

 

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@BooksandTrees it breaks my heart to see you are so sad. But there's no point to regret the past, you can't get back, you can only keep living. You have a chance if you keep fighting. 

Tell me how your usual day looks like? You mentioned you were teaching kids and doing some hobbies and it made you feel better. 

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On 12/14/2019 at 8:32 AM, Vera said:

@BooksandTrees it breaks my heart to see you are so sad. But there's no point to regret the past, you can't get back, you can only keep living. You have a chance if you keep fighting. 

Tell me how your usual day looks like? You mentioned you were teaching kids and doing some hobbies and it made you feel better. 

Thanks.

 

I deleted the rest.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Today I have reached 60 weeks without gaming. 

I deleted the rest of this post. I will do better at being more grateful and following my outline I wrote last week.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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My friend came over and we finished editing our first episode of our podcast. It was a lot of fun. We came up with a name and just need to set up our accounts to post it. I believe rock climbing, the podcast, and animation are the hobbies I want to stick to most aside from little other projects.

I do need to make an effort to slow down my life to limit my anxiety and worrying. I will begin meditation at night before bed and just make sure I'm eating 3 meals a day, taking care of my hygiene properly, and relaxing more. I also want to exercise more than once per month. I will figure this out soon. I posted a basic habit tracker below that I'm going to try each day. 

Thanks.

Habit Tracking:

Brush teeth, floss, mouth wash 2x: no

3 to 5 meals: no

Meditation: no

Gratitude thoughts: no

Sleep 8 to 9 hours: no

Socialize: yes

Work on a hobby: yes

Exercise: no

Weight this morning: 184 lbs

Skin moisturizer: no

Take 4, 10 minute relaxation breaks: no

No porn streak: 4 hours

No phone 1 hour before bed: no

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I am currently fairly busy thinking and writing on my own, but I wanted to write this, as it's based on practice rather than theorizing and it got stuck in my head. I think the woman writing you thrice before you reluctantly agreed to meet up handed you your own medicine. Imagine you would have to try thrice to get her on the date. I think that's a shitty game to play. Just like the woman that tried to kiss you on the first date, it's a sign of desperation to keep asking out someone who doesn't give a damn about you.

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

I am currently fairly busy thinking and writing on my own, but I wanted to write this, as it's based on practice rather than theorizing and it got stuck in my head. I think the woman writing you thrice before you reluctantly agreed to meet up handed you your own medicine. Imagine you would have to try thrice to get her on the date. I think that's a shitty game to play. Just like the woman that tried to kiss you on the first date, it's a sign of desperation to keep asking out someone who doesn't give a damn about you.

I agree. That's why I got very mad about it. It just shows another strange way of being used. 

My mom does it when I talk to her in person. I think it's annoying. I'm choosing to not talk to her again. The woman, not my mom. I'm still talking to her lol.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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38 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree. That's why I got very mad about it. It just shows another strange way of being used. 

My mom does it when I talk to her in person. I think it's annoying. I'm choosing to not talk to her again. 

Don't worry, I wrote my ex twice before she would respond myself. I think the second time I wrote "Nobody wants to die alone." - and she replied to that! The rest is, as they say, history. I hopefully learnt my lesson there. The chaser/chasee or savior/victim mentality is toxic, no matter on which end you happen to be.

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Note: this post was for 12/16/2019. It did not post for some reason. I'll post the one for today, 12/17/2019 in a bit.

Today was better for me. I was very tired, but I got through the day. I went grocery shopping, blocked all the areas of the house that mice came through by placing steel wool and spray foam insulation, and then put a few heat insulators to block cold areas from warm areas of the house that are poorly insulated. I also meal prepped 5 meals.

Habit Tracking:

Brush teeth, floss, mouth wash 2x: yes

3 to 5 meals: yes

Meditation: no

Gratitude thoughts: yes

Sleep 8 to 9 hours: no

Socialize: yes

Work on a hobby: no

Exercise: no

Weight this morning: 184 lbs

Skin moisturizer: no

Take 4, 10 minute relaxation breaks: yes

No porn streak: 18 hours

No phone 1 hour before bed: no

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Today was better. I felt better mentally and felt more productive overall. My day at work was very slow, but the progress I've made with doing tasks around my apartment has made me relax a little more. I also meal prepped again so I have meals through the rest of the week. I don't need to eat out and feel good about it. My goal is to eat out once or twice a month tops and stop there. 

I think by relaxing more these past few days and not binge watching porn I've began to recollect myself a bit. Watching porn so much is the same as playing video games I feel. You just get so hooked on instant gratification. It's not worth it.

I think I'm going to meditate in the mornings. I feel like I'm rushing a lot and am too panicked when starting to work. It makes me seek out distractions. 

 

Habit Tracking:

Brush teeth, floss, mouth wash 2x: No

3 to 5 meals: yes

Meditation: yes

Gratitude thoughts: yes

Sleep 8 to 9 hours: no

Socialize: no

Work on a hobby: yes

Exercise: yes

Weight this morning: 184.6 lbs

Skin moisturizer: yes

Take 4, 10 minute relaxation breaks: yes

No porn streak: 2 days

No phone 1 hour before bed: no

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I'm kind of annoyed today. I was cooking all of my meals for the week and I had to go out with coworkers for a work event both during and after work. So this cost me $40 dollars. I know that's not a lot, but that's 3 meals of lunch I used to buy, or almost 1 week of groceries. This is what I was complaining about the past few weeks with buying meals and shit. I don't enjoy how young people around my age and less always have to go out to eat and "have fun" by just drinking. I hate how people just want to drink. 

This is such a waste of money. I hate being around drunk and high people as well. They all just act like fucking retards and I'm the only responsible one in the group so I have to take care of them when they're sick. I just don't think you need to go out with friends and drink alcohol to have fun. I think it's a pretty stupid excuse to have fun and all of these people are going to develop alcoholism problems. I'm done doing this after this week. If my office has us go out again for alcohol I'm just not going to attend. I want to buy a fucking house.

It's also annoying because this event was from 5 to 8 PM, which is long enough, but soemone was very drunk and I stayed until 11:30 to take care of them because I was worried they'd drive drunk. So I wasted my whole night again and didn't eat dinner there because I was mad about spending money. Fuck.

Habit Tracking:

Brush teeth, floss, mouth wash 2x: No

3 to 5 meals: yes

Meditation: no

Gratitude thoughts: no

Sleep 8 to 9 hours: no

Socialize: yes

Work on a hobby: no

Exercise: no

Weight this morning: 184.2 lbs

Skin moisturizer: no

Take 4, 10 minute relaxation breaks: no

No porn streak: 3 days

No phone 1 hour before bed: no

Edited by BooksandTrees
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This strikes me as the second case of yours in a couple of days where you go really out of your way to comply with/help someone else. The first thoughts I got regarding the drunk was to either shove them into the nearest motel or into their car, while taking the keys away from them, so they can pick them up the next day. If they were a real friend of mine and I wouldn't be drunk myself, I'd drive them over to my place or stayed with them.

I feel these are the examples that reinforce the thought you had that people are useless, irresponsible and stupid. It's a sound idea to be this care-taking around babies, but not around adults, as you'll just get used and abused. Don't be selfish. Be assertive. I think "No More Mr Nice Guy" by R. Glover would be an excellent book for you.

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