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Phoenixking

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  1. I don't really think that you are getting the point here, bud. Not all people do what their parents tell them to, not all of them stop doing it at 18 and 18 is a random age at best. I started making my own choices ages before that. I feel like you generalize rather quickly. Sadly something that solidifies my prejudice towards religious people. What is the new global system? Who are they? Or what is it? What do they do or want? And I said religious people or blind faith freaks me out. Not muslims specifically. I have met creepy Christians, Evangelistic particle physicists, ... I am not saying I do not like your religion or you. I am saying that all blind faith is bad, no matter what imaginary entity, god or prophet wrote the book. It's a bit presumptuous to assume I look at your religion and see all those bad things. You don't know me, what I think or feel. Assuming you do, is falling into the same trap that those people who make snap decisions about you. Can you see the irony? I feel like you have a couple of itchy trigger fingers when it comes to this. But I can understand that. Hell, I am a white cis-male. In terms of privilege I have nothing to complain about. I can imagine it can be extremely hard for any outspoken Muslim nowadays. And I certainly agree with that the media tends to tell the story in a certain way. But none of that was at all what I was talking about. You kind of dragged it into the conversation. Why? I mean, you don't have to be a Muslim to find the Islam poetry moving. It you don't have to be a Catholic to be able to listen to a sermon. It's not all black and white. Why do you think I would find answers at a mosque? Or any building of faith for that matter? There are simply just questions without answers. Not only is that okay and just one of life's things. It is a scary and arrogant thing to claim that beyond all contradictions, there ís a place with those answers. No, there most likely is not. Because there are thousands of those. All of them want your time, your money, your voice or your mind to control. That is why I do not like blind faith religious people. They like to think they have it all figured out, as if they are some kind of untouchable. But nobody can have a monopoly on what is true because the meaning of life is whatever you choose it to be. And if it isn't, well then none of this matters anyway XD Who told you we need others to judge ourselves? And what the hell does a professional who does that even look like? At school we get grades, sure. But that is not judgement. How well you can remember historic dates or reproduce mathematical concepts or avoid bad spelling has nothing to do with your moral compass or your self-esteem. Nobody can judge you but yourself because nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes, all the time. That is how we learn. You are the only one who can judge yourself because you are the only one who truly knows yourself. We are not telepaths. Others cannot look into our hearts like that. It is an extremely unhealthy lifestyle to try and please others that do judge you. More often than not, those kinds of people are toxic. The type that would get pleasure out of others misery. I don't judge others or at least try not to. It is wrong. But I still do it obviously. To err means I am human. And what do you mean by solely noting that that one viewpoint of mine does not conflict with your religion? What if it did? Would you look at my choices differently? Would I become more inferior? Is that not judging me then and therefore a tad hypocritical? Or are you agreeing? Because I would rather you then say that what you believe coincides with what I believe to be important. Harshly put, I do not care about what your religion thinks is important, I care about what you yourself think. Not what some system of faith had told you what is right or wrong, but what you learned yourself from simply living life. I can get the former from a book around the corner. The latter cannot be measured in value. Please tell me that you don't believe we are all born good. What about sociopaths and psychopaths? They are differently wired in their brain than you or I. And they only do what they think is right, even if it is killing or worse, in their view nothing is wrong. So either they are aliens from another planet or it means that a moral compass is malleable and relative to the person using it. There is no 1 big truth out ther. And what about somebody born with a defect in their brain? Some kind of aggression disorder. They instantly start fighting from the moment they can breathe. Are those born good in your definition then? Can you see the holes in the concept your trying to uphold? Why would I have to visit a mosque? There is nothing wrong with asking these things. And why specifically a mosque for that matter? Why not a church, synagogue or temple? I tend to steer clear of deeply religious people because of how blind they are. They never have any concrete answers but yet remain evangelical about how amazing they all feel it is. You know what organizations use a similar indoctrination tactic? Cults. I have always felt talking with deeply religious people feels similar to conversing with cult members. It's like that story from Indian lore about the frog and the well. A farmer gets a bucket of water from his well and sees a frog swimming in the water below. He catches him using the bucket and sets it free. The frog asks the man who he is. The man replies his name is Jack and that this is his farm. The frog is amazed and asks if that is what he calls this awestriking world, 'farm'. "No, no. This is not another world. You were just in the well on my farm." The frog cannot fathom it and holds tightly to what he thinks is true. "No! This is another world! I have swam to the corners. I have been North, South, East and West. I have never seen anything like this ever in my world, so this must be a different world." And for the love of all we hold dear, use a spell checker or something when you talk to people online. You can clearly use upper case letters when you type out "PEACE" every single time. It would not hurt you to use proper punctuation if you don't want to come across like some kind of raving madman. Using religious exclamations at the end of each post does not give you some kind of hall pass to not have to use proper language.
  2. Some of these comments kind of rub me the wrong way, but I'm sure you mean well, so thank you 🙂 It's true. It's not easy. But the better part of what I've built relies on breeding good habits and trying to weed them out. I've cut out those people a while ago, thankfully. It's still a bit of a sore spot. They're not bad people, though. Just misguided. I had to do it to protect myself. I still have some friends who indulge, but they all know that I don't and they respect that. I don't even get invited to gaming sessions or lanparties. They just know that the invitation in itself could be a trigger. I'm pretty lucky to have friends like that. They do whatever they want with their time and so do I, but we remain very respectful towards each others' choices. I strongly feel like marrying would not solve anything. In essence, it doesn't seem to change anything in your relationship dynamic. It's handy for taxes and it's some kind of mental barricade for the future so you don't break up easily. But I'm neither going to marry soon, nor do it to solve any porn issues. I'm fairly confident that sex with your wife is the same sex as you'd have with a girlfriend. And regarding my ex, the sex was just different. Not worse or better, just different. I could just as easily settle for sex with her for the rest of my life, in theory. But her personality was a huge mess 😛 My current partner is waaaay more emotionally mature and able to handle my most difficult days and still care for me. I've put lots of blockers in place and I agree that the tiniest things could be triggers. There's ads, movies, spicy scenes, anime, hell, even just random people on Instragram. There's sex and sexual implications éverywhere. Extremely hard to dodge. But just exactly because it's so hard to dodge, I try to put my energy into dealing with them in a healthy way. I feel like I have a healthy physical relationship and I don't really think porn messes that up right now. There's still some stuff to clean out of my head though. But I think it's more valuable to pour energy not into dodging the almost ubiquitous but into dealing with it all in a way that makes me able to just manage. I appreciate your spiritual wishes. It might be a bit small-minded of me, but I'm not religious. I've always had strong feelings about that. I acknowledge that there's a certain support or use to it. But the whole opium for the masses thing scares me. Religious people freak me out. Blind faith is dangerous. I prefer science, proof and the idea that I'm fully capable of making (or breaking for that matter) my own fate. There's too many unanswerable questions and variations. I've looked at the different types of religion in detail and only buddhism appeals to me and it's not even organized like a true faith would be, it's just a collection of philosophies. I don't like handing over the idea of control over my fate to something incorporeal. I even strongly believe that something like being lucky is a skill. I've always tried to approach life as if I'm the sole one responsible for everything going on with me and around me and should always try to improve that. I don't need a Bible, Torah or Koran to learn and realize I shouldn't be a dick to people. I don't need to sacrifice all of my worldly possessions to find true happiness and I don't have to abstain from alcohol, certain types of food to be allowed to be a part of a certain community. I like being exactly who I am and the only one who can judge my choices is me. Nevertheless, thank you for your kind words.
  3. I'm very happy that you found a proper option for your daycare problem. This would be a great first step in the right direction!
  4. Happy to see you continue writing. I was getting a bit worried. If you fall a thousand times flat on your face, hard, it deserves respect to get back up 1001 times. Keep at it !
  5. Day 3. "The emptied room." We went away for a day or two. She's about to move in with me. We have a joint account, we pay for stuff together, we posted about it online and there's half an army of friends and family helping out with moving her stuff to my place. Excuse me, our place. I stood in one of the emptied rooms today, we cleared it out to be able to stack the boxes we'll be unpacked for a few days, and suddenly it dawned on me: this is really happening. We've been an item for a year now and we couldn't be happier. I can be naked and vulnerable and show all of my ugliest sides and she'd never run. I'm so happy she's here. We went snowboarding on the first day, checked into the hotel later that day and I had called ahead and made sure there was some bubbly and some rose petals. She was so surprised! The two days were meant as a celebration of our first year together. But also to take some pressure off of everything. We'd been stressed to the max and we'd already splurged on some thing last weekend as a way to ease some of the tension. But combining Krav Maga and snowboarding and just general tomfoolery was great. We had great food, free drinks and lots of fun. Tomorrow and the day after might feel very chaotic. We've prepped for everything rather properly though. But at the end of the story, the appartment will be filled with boxes, stuff will be everywhere and it's going to take a while to actually get the new furniture where we want them to and to unpack the boxes. So our home will be a bit of a mess for a while and that can be a bit of a trigger for me. What's left to do? -I am almost done with cleaning out my regular inbox, the other one still requires some attention. -The important documents lying around are the next thing on the list. Bills and stuff. But important nevertheless. -I should try to get all my paycheck slips and send it to the company that paid me for a few months of sick leave, they need them to pay out the final amounts. -I bought some stuff online and my weight scale gave an error. I sent them a message asking why the payment didn't go through. I really want to make sure I get that scale. -I got a new computer! There's still some programs missing, like an antivirus and other stuff. -I should probably try and go pick up my old computer from the shop. I could then remove some RAM-cards and my old drive and see if I can implant it in the new one to make it faster. -I want to start posting stuff on my social media and be funny and get popular to make sure that when I launch my business, I can hitch onto the already present growth online -I should try to contact, review and coordinate with my friend, the graphic designer, to talk about my social media, color codes, a website and content -I want to get a haircut. -I want to contact my barber and a tailor to doublecheck if everything is set for the big birthday party in April. I'm getting a tailored suit and hope to lose enough weight by then to have an okay body and maintain that or I won't fit my suit anymore. -I should try to contact a company called SABAM to make sure that whenever my face or voice is used commercially, somebody checks if it's legal and if I get paid properly. It seems and impossible mission to do this myself, so I want to find somebody who can. -I want to check out a company called win-winner, because they help out start-ups like mine -I want to contact a few banks about small business loans to compare their rates and also contact those same banks and my own independant insurance broker to look at different insurance products for start-ups and how I could benefit from those personally and perhaps with my girl in tow -I want to contact DeAuteurs, a company that pays out royalties for scripts and written media, I should get some help with this asap. -I want to check out VOKA, another company that helps out startups -I want to check out SMARTbe, a company that helps the payment and administration of freelancers -I want to binge the E-learning of the place I just got my business education from, it's basic, but all knowledge is good knowledge -I want to get more gigs as a training actor -I want to ask my local government what kind of programmes they have in place for startups like mine -I wantto check out something called startit.be; another company for startups -I've sold the washing machine and the sofa. All that's left is my table, but for now we'll probably just put it to the side since we can dismount the table legs and pack it up. This has become less of a priority. Recent highlight: I usually can't keep my mouth shut about surprises because I'm so enthousiastic about them. But this time, I got her! She went into the hotel room with a blank face and was almost crying tears of joy. She told me nobody had ever done such a thing for her. Rose petals, balloons, romantic lights, Prosecco, ... It felt great to surprise her like that. Budget status: I still need to get paid for the Burger King ad. But it should come next week. The past two days we've used the joint account for the first time to pay things and honestly, it went rather smoothly. It's going to be great being able to pay twice as much stuff without having to worry. One of these days, when there's time, I'd like to make a new budget file or continue the old one when I succeed in finally picking up my old PC. My one goal for the next 24h: Do best tomorrow on moving day 🙂 Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - If I'm to believe the app, I'm on a 11-day streak now. -Make the bed - Didn't have to make the hotel bed 😉 -Drink enough water - Despite having packed lots of water, I've been dehydrated a bit for the past two days because of cocktails and coffee. If I spend days at home, I'm usually fine because there's always a water bottle nearby. But whenever I'm on the road or doing something besides working from home, I lose this streak in an instant. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Even did it at the hotel. But my current dental floss is crap. But I haven't been able to go out and get some new stuff. -No daydrinking at home alone - I feel like I can't remember the last time I did this. I'm glad I took this new habit on. -Meditation - It seems that it's hard for me to get this one into my patterns. But slow and steady wins the race, I guess. I wanted to do it today, but I'm just sooo tired. I'll fall asleep in a heartbeat later. The past two days have been imperative for relieving some stress, Krav Maga too. I was actually looking forward to trying to meditate today. But I'm afraid I'll just doze off 😛 -Exercise once this week - I had Krav Maga, then yesterday there was about 4 hours of snowboarding and today we walked around town a lot. My feet and legs hurt a little 😛 Also tomorrow is moving day so I feel like this week is right on track in terms of exercise. I just wish I had those cool weight scales already. I wonder if I lost any weight this week because of all of the activity.
  6. Holy shit. Double slam dunk there! I should indeed pay mind to making sure I don't get hurt. I'll make a solid try to re-word some of the things in the list.
  7. Congratulations on your promotion! Also, I can relate to the being active stuff. I feel like I am just simply not worth anything if I'm not doing anything. I sometimes think that 'normal' people get their feeling of identity from who they are and what they stand for. I something feel like I'm not like that and I get that identity from what I'm doing or what I've done or achieved.
  8. Day 1. "Rebirth. Again. So Re-rebirth." So we reset again. Krav Maga last night hit the spot. And also my new PC came in. I had a fight with my girlfriend but we ended up kissing and making up and cleaning up the place. I also was able to put the ads online for selling our sofa and washing machine. I just hope we get rid of it before Saturday...µ The new computer is fun! Way faster and though it's not built for heavy duty games, like my last one, it does exactly what I want it to do. Borrowing and sharing my girlfriends one was fine, but it's a whole other thing to own one yourself and do with the setting whatever you want. I'm a bit sore from Krav Maga but I'll be fine tomorrow when we go snowboarding and skiing. I have kind of a whole afternoon to try and the hearplay stuff done. Now that the place is a bit cleaner, I'll try to make sure the small stuff gets picked up. Broken windows and all that... What's left to do? -The ads are put online. The friend who's interested has been contacted and today I'll try to boost the numbers a bit. -I have a bunch of urgent emails that need attending to, lots of work stuff. I have 2 inboxes to clean out -I have a bunch of important documents lying around that need my attention. -I need to get ALL my paycheck slips and send it to the company that paid me for a few months of sick leave -I bought some stuff online and need to check if the payments went through okay -I got a new computer, I need to boot it and make sure all of the right programs and settings are in place -I need to go and pick up my old computer from the shop and remove some RAM-cards and my old drive and see if I can implant it in the new one. -I need to asap start posting stuff on my social media and be funny and get popular to make sure that when I launch my business, I can hitch onto the already present growth online -I need to contact, review and coordinate with my friend, the graphic designer, to talk about my social media, color codes, a website and content -I need to get a haircut. -I need to contact my barber and a tailor to doublecheck if everything is set for the big birthday party in April. I'm getting a tailored suit and hope to lose enough weight by then to have an okay body and maintain that or I won't fit my suit anymore. -I need to contact a company called SABAM to make sure that whenever my face or voice is used commercially, somebody checks if it's legal and if I get paid properly. It seems and impossible mission to do this myself, so I need to find somebody who can. -I need to check out a company called win-winner, because they help out start-ups like mine -I need to contact a few banks about small business loans to compare their rates and also contact those same banks and my own independant insurance broker to look at different insurance products for start-ups and how I could benefit from those personally and perhaps with my girl in tow -I need to contact DeAuteurs, a company that pays out royalties for scripts and written media, I need help with this asap. -I need to check out VOKA, another company that helps out startups -I need to check out SMARTbe, a company that helps the payment and administration of freelancers -I need to binge the E-learning of the place I just got my business education from, it's basic, but all knowledge is good knowledge -I need to get more gigs as a training actor -I need to ask my local government what kind of programmes they have in place for startups like mine - I need to check out something called startit.be; another company for startups Recent highlight: Krav Maga was fun. My friend is now one of the teachers. It was great to catch up. I was worried I wouldn't make it to Thursday's praccy, but I have a day of snowboarding, so I'm sure I'll be fine in terms of exercise and stress relief. Budget status: Now that I have my own computer again, I can get my budget file up and running again. I'll probably not do it asap, because of the huge list up above. I have to set some priorities. My one goal for the next 24h: Get the hearplay stuff done today. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Haven't done it today, but I'll do it in a few minutes. -Make the bed - Made the bed this morning. -Drink enough water - Made it yesterday, I'll try to maintain this today. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Just did it. -No daydrinking at home alone - I craved a beer last night after praccy. But I just craved anything... Something sweet, just something to satisfy my belly. I didn't drink! -Meditation - I got a new app called 'Calm'. I'll try to meditate after I do my Japanese in a few. -Exercise once this week - Krav Maga was brutal. Just the warming up made me feel like I was going to faint. But I did enjoy it. But I'll enjoy it more once I get my cardio back. I'm used to being able to jump around everybody and dodge and weave. This time I got tired too fast to be able to dodge punches and shots. I might go running a bit here and there to mitigate this.
  9. Day 0. "Overload." Well, I relapsed and I relapsed hard. Playing videogames on my phone, lots of them. Different types, different levels of addiction. Even crawled back to one of the types that I used to be majorly hooked on. Also porn. But no drinking, though. I think something inside of me broke because of the rising stress and tension levels. I just couldn't take it anymore. I do so much and demand so much of myself. I should have gone to Krav Maga so much sooner. I'm going in an hour or two. This relapse I learned that I'm nothing if I don't find something to physically relieve stress. That's one of the keys to staying on the right path. I'll try to not skip any of the trainings. But it's been hard returning to it because of how time consuming it can be. It's two night's a week. Often I'm doing comedy, working, writing, ... I have busy days and a filled schedule. Right now, I'm like two weeks behind on everything. It's depressing. I'll have to get through it though, with some bumps and bruises. My head has been hurting for a few days. I've been stressed, nauseated, angry, sad, ... My girlfriend had a first row seat to the whole spiel. I can't believe how cool she is with all of it. I feel so ugly and naked. My junkie-face is not a good look. But at least she's not running away screaming, right? I'm scared that I'm not going to make it another 90 days. There's so much on my plate. All we can do is just take it 1 day at a time, I guess. I'll try to update properly. I feel like journaling is a good way to stay aware of things. What follows is a list of all of the stuff I'm behind on. This isn't really relevant but helps de-clutter my brain. -The move is on Saturday. We need to sell some things asap on a secondhand website to make sure we don't needlessly stock things. I'd like to sell them on Saturday at the latest. We need to sell her green sofa, my washing machine and my kitchen table (probably to her friend Cindy) -I need to asap review the hearplay/radio show my partner is editing, we need to cut some corner and I need to make some decisions... -I have a bunch of urgent emails that need attending to, lots of work stuff. I have 2 inboxes to clean out -Our place is a mess. It needs a good scrub and the trash needs to be removed, laundry has to get done, and there needs to be ironing. -I need to get ALL my paycheck slips and send it to the company that paid me for a few months of sick leave -I bought some stuff online and need to check if the payments went through okay -I got a new computer, I need to boot it and make sure all of the right programs and settings are in place -I need to go and pick up my old computer from the shop and remove some RAM-cards and my old drive and see if I can implant it in the new one. -I need to asap start posting stuff on my social media and be funny and get popular to make sure that when I launch my business, I can hitch onto the already present growth online -I need to contact, review and coordinate with my friend, the graphic designer, to talk about my social media, color codes, a website and content -I need to get a haircut. -I need to contact my barber and a tailor to doublecheck if everything is set for the big birthday party in April. I'm getting a tailored suit and hope to lose enough weight by then to have an okay body and maintain that or I won't fit my suit anymore. -I need to contact a company called SABAM to make sure that whenever my face or voice is used commercially, somebody checks if it's legal and if I get paid properly. It seems and impossible mission to do this myself, so I need to find somebody who can. -I need to check out a company called win-winner, because they help out start-ups like mine -I need to contact a few banks about small business loans to compare their rates and also contact those same banks and my own independant insurance broker to look at different insurance products for start-ups and how I could benefit from those personally and perhaps with my girl in tow -I need to contact DeAuteurs, a company that pays out royalties for scripts and written media, I need help with this asap. -I need to check out VOKA, another company that helps out startups -I need to check out SMARTbe, a company that helps the payment and administration of freelancers -I need to binge the E-learning of the place I just got my business education from, it's basic, but all knowledge is good knowledge -I need to get more gigs as a training actor -I need to ask my local government what kind of programmes they have in place for startups like mine - I need to check out something called startit.be; another company for startups Recent highlight: Relapsed hard and girlfriend stuck by me. Budget status: Spent a LOT of money because of holiday gifts. I totally splurged. Did buy a scale to keep an eye on my body fat. I got a new computer so I'll try to get my budget up and running again. My one goal for the next 24h: Go to Krav Maga. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Despite the relapse, I didn't lose my streak. -Make the bed - Lost the streak for a few days. I feel like getting back up on the horse started with doing this today. -Drink enough water - It comes and goes, it seems. If I have a day I work from home, I'm fine. But last week I felt my schedule just dragged me along. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Also dropped the ball here, but I did it again today. Hoping to get this back up and running. -No daydrinking at home alone - I enjoy drinking, still. But I don't really feel like it's a huge deal anymore. Probably because the relapse gave something else to binge on. Let's see how the next few weeks go if I do Krav Maga along with it. -Meditation - I got a new app called 'Calm'. Trying it out. Still haven't really found my vibe with this new habit. But the teeth cleaning and flossing thing took some effort too. -Exercise once this week: I hope that once I restart my Krav Maga and maybe if I could start running sometimes, this'll be less of a problem. I could really use some exercise in my life, I feel. Both because I want to lose weight and be more fit, but also because fighting makes me feel alive and gives me a major stress relief. I also have been thinking about maybe learning how to box and going running more often.
  10. Day 5. "Bags." I've been feeling rather tired lately. My planner seems to have become the boss of me. I'm trying to push stuff ahead of me and take some time off. Next Monday I'll be doing absolutely nothing and I'll be done for 2 days with my girl. Snowboarding and a fancy hotel. I even contacted them and asked for a bottle of bubbly and some rose petals. She'll never see it coming. Just got a call from the coaching business I would have gone onboard with. Until I sort my administration out, I can't legally do anything. UGH. MORE WAITING. To be honest, they did suggest we fudge the numbers but I declined. I'm not doing anything off the books. I'm no fool. Tax evasion or fraud is a major danger. I wouldn't be able to afford a single fine. The fact that they did suggest so, means red flags. I'll probably start looking into other companies to use as soon as I got my training from them. If they're as shady as I fear them to be, I feel like I get to use them for all they're worth to my benefit and then discard them. It sucks, but better to take it into account sooner rather than later. I've started meditating and working out. 10 pushups, situps and squats per day. And the meditating is really benefiting me. I feel a bit more at peace. But everytime I start it, I notice very clearly how stressed out I actually am. And now there's no excuse anymore, is there? There's no boss breathing down my neck or anything. It's all me! I hold myself to a superhuman standard. I am the one who plans all of this crazy shit and keeps adding onto the pile. I'm pretty sure I could be a bit more peaceful, though. But I think it's a matter of time. I think it will get better if I meditate more. As far as the working out goes, I think I should return to my Krav Maga classes. But I'm afraid I'm a bit too busy at the moment. The working out at home is a small replacement. Right now it just feels like a bit of exercise. I don't feel pushed or challenged. I'll probably look into calesthenics one of these weeks and see how to get that stuff on point. Recent highlight: Had a romantic moment falling asleep in each others arms. Living together can be fucking annoying. But I'm pretty sure she's worth it. Budget status: One the one hand it sucks that the coaching gig fell through. Would have made me a lot of money. Luckily I got paid well for the Burger King commercial ad they shot. So I'm sure I'll be okay for this month. My accountant said that, even without government help, I should be able to pull it all off. I won't save a lot or get rich quick, but it's doable. My one goal for the next 24h: Get my shit done that I've planned out and try to clean up a bit too. This place is becoming a pig sty again 😞 Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Growing and happy about it. -Make the bed -I'm happy this is one of my morning routine staples. -Drink enough water - I kept running around like a headless chicken yesterday, so not a lot of drinking. Today I'll be fine, I think. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I switched to a regular kind of floss. Holy shit is it crappy! I'll get my regular stuff back soon! -No daydrinking at home alone - It's rather confronting how much effort this takes from time to time. I am disgusted to admit that I look forward to the next excuse to drink a beer. -Meditation - I use some app to get me guided meditations. I love it. I still have a lot to learn but melting away into your sheets as you focus on your breathing is rather peaceful. -Exercise once this week: Easy to forget, to be honest. I have to remind myself properly to get these done. I'm getting a fancy weight scale to track my weight and body fat. I think I'd like to weigh about 75 kilo. That seems normal to me. I'll buy it tomorrow or on Cyber Monday. I love discounts. I'm getting so much random shit XD I just hope I'll lose weight in time for the suit fitting.
  11. I know I shouldn't hold myself to such a ridiculously high standard because it stresses me out. But I still feel like I should have gone a different way. Loaned some earbuds or something, meditated into blissful sleep, exercised to knock myself out, anything... I know and understand it was a bit of an emotional decision instead of a rational one, though. I don't know. It's hard for me not to be so demanding of myself.
  12. Day 3. "I kind of had to." I fell down again Friday night. I had my job again as production leader and it requires me to spend the night there. Lots of colleagues just stay in a hotel nearby. I was terrified my friend snored. I had my earbuds with my but I had been drinking a bit and I just was scared. I had already spent a night or two with somebody who snores (the rooms are almost always shared) and I just cracked. It feels so horrible to be sleep deprived, I kind of had to. Last week was a slough. And it's not stopping. There's gigs to play, classes to attend, jobs to do, stuff to cook and clean. For the first time ever, I'm noticing my body is taking a beating. This is what people call it if you're not living your life, but your life is living you. I always knew full well that I live at a speed that not a lot of other people could fathom let alone match. And now it's, ironically, catching up to me. I've been trying to be chill for a few days now, but I still feel tired. I think it's also because I need to seriously start meditating and working out. I've figured out that it's a good way to start my day. I'd do 10 pushups, 10 squats and 10 sit-ups after I've brushed and cleaned my teeth but before I have a shower or any food. I'd meditate, but after I had food and coffee some I'm properly awake. There's always this clear moment where I'm done eating and ready to start my day and get to chorin'. The first one would ideally be meditating. This'll all start tomorrow hopefully. It's also one of those things that is just an extra. Nothing will break down or crumble if I fail or skip it. The same with my water drinking, teeth cleaning or Japanese. I don't HAVE to have a perfect day, every day. It's just one of those things that'll make me happier and healthier. I'm thinking of buying a scale for the bathroom to keep track of my weight. I'll probably learn more about how to and what to do and stuff. I might be better of using some kind of music or app to meditate or using special exercises, ... I've found a few subreddits to educate myself. I'm pretty keen on the sports stuff. I really want to get rid of this belly and get back to weighing about 75 kilograms, tops. I have to get a tailored suit and there's no way I want that belly to be there when I do. I still can feel my eyes sag a bit. I guess I'm still rather tired so I'm trying to not feel guilty about not moving at my usual speed. I've learned it's important to listen to your body when the engine starts to sputter a little bit. I notice that trying to build new habits and let go of other old ones is a lot harder than maintaining them. The last 90 days have felt at times like I was trying to jump across a canyon with nothing but a pogo stick covered in glue. But now that I look back at it, it's not so bad. It's funny how RIGHT NOW always seems to be your most dire moment. I'll try to not add anything in the next 90 days. So no porn or games as usual and also no listening to podcasts or Netflix to help me fall asleep. Keep my budget in mind, brush and clean my teeth, make the bed and try to keep an eye on my water intake and learn some Japanese. Also no more drinking alone or daydrinking and try to meditate and exercise more. It sounds like a huge list, doesn't it? Recent highlight: Got a call from a government bureau that's tasked with checking up on people who get unemployment money. I told them my entire story and my ambitions and they were just super cool about it. I don't think they get a lot of clever, driven people on their phones. Had a good conversation about starting up a business and got an email with a lot of helpful info. Budget status: 2 things. I just got a huge bonus from my last employer that basically sets us up for surviving the next few months. I now have about 3000+. I can breathe easy for a while. My one goal for the next 24h: I have a gig tonight and a class to give tomorrow. Fuck, I love doing improv. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Still going strong, with a little gap here and there. -Make the bed - I"'ve kind of let it be the last few days. I've just been so tired. I've allowed myself to say 'fuck it'. But it's important to get back up on the horse in time. -Drink enough water - Takes a bit of extra effort now and then. But nothing too crazy. I notice I drink less when I'm super busy. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Just like making the bed, I've let some stuff slide. I do brush, though. Just less cleaning. -No daydrinking at home alone - Was very tempted to yesterday, but I resisted the urge and drank some water instead. -Meditation: I hope to start tomorrow. Maybe I'll use an app? My plan is to do this daily after I've had my coffee, breakfast and shower. So when I really feel like I'm awake and ready to start my day. -Exercise once this week: I'll get a scales and get cracking tomorrow. I'll start with 10 pushups, 10 sit-ups and 10 squats and I'll do this after I've brushed my teeth but before I've had coffee or a shower.
  13. Day 2. "It's quiet. Too quiet." I went to another info session today about starting your own business. I love that I'm doing all these cool new things. But I hate that I can't just do all of it overnight and just fucking start the business already... I have a big comedy gig tomorrow night. A proper pro comedian will do about 45 min, I have to do 15 together with another noob comedian doing 15. We're his starters, he's the main course. It's a sold out gig, with a crowd of 130. I don't feel ready. I'm terrified and feel pressured. But I'm not backing down. I worked relentlessly the last 2 days so that I'd have nothing to do or worry about tomorrow except be funny. Laundry, food, paperwork, ... All is done. I have from dusk till dawn tomorrow to practice my stuff and sieve the crud out and keep the nuggets. I just hope it's going to be adequate. I cleaned out my spare room. It's now my working room, my bureau! I've never actually had a separate room before for working. I feel so mature... My belly is starting to get bigger. I'm pretty sure I've never been fatter. I'll probably buy a scale soon and try to work hard to get it down. Cut out some candy and greasy stuff and try to exercise daily. I'd love to do this together with meditating. I'm getting a tailored suit for my 30st birthday next year. The party is in April. So I have to be in shape and maintain that shape starting in January or something... Eek! I can still feel the urge to play games or watch porn. This monkey won't get off my back easily. I also fell asleep yesterday afternoon after eating pizza. Nothing shameful or anything about that. I just thought it was funny I've come to be an age where falling into a food coma is a thing now. Recent highlight: Met a girl with a lisp and asked her to be a voice actress if my pilot episode gets approved for the radio station. She had such a unique voice, I just had to dare to ask. Budget status: I got the right documents in order. Now all that's left is for my union to file the paperwork. I'll doublecheck with them next week to be sure. Lots will depend on how much I'd get as an unemployment compensation. I've removed the 'be social'-habit for now. I want to start up the exercising and meditating first. I see enough people as it is. I added it because going to a party last weekend was such a load off. But stress relief could also go via meditating or sportsing. So I'll put it on the backburner for now. My one goal for the next 24h: Nail the comedy gig. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Still going strong. -Make the bed - Still going strong. -Drink enough water - Takes a bit of extra effort now and then. Today was rather busy and something it takes true effort to maintain it. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Slowly becoming a staple. -No daydrinking at home alone: Engines engaged! No more drinking alone! Parties, food or with company who's also drinking? Yes! Almost everything else? No! -Meditate once this week: not yet done -Exercise once this week: not yet done
  14. Day 0. "Screaming at myself." Friday, I flew solo for the first time. Making sure about 200 customers get the experience they should be getting from about 80 actors. I went superwell. The producer was happy with me, everything just fell into place. I feel like I can truly call myself a production leader now. I'm still a bit anxious about telling people what to do. I like being likeable and popular. And sometimes having to boss people around is going to be part of my job. I guess I'll take that aspect one part at a time. Saturday it all fell apart. I'd been using Instagram to look up porn actresses. I viewed one account and then blocked it for my own safety. But there's so many of them. I kept looking some up, blocking them again and so on. In the end, I turned off my +18-browser filter and succumbed to porn. I was ready to write (another) Day 0-post like this one on Saturday already. But it went even deeper. I felt like I had given up and that if the dam cracks a little bit, you might as well break it all down, flush it and start again from scratch. My first drink of the day was a beer at 10 am that day. I spent almost the entire day playing video games... Same thing today... I can't seem to fucking stop. As it was all happening it was like I was no longer in control of my own body. I could feel parts of my brain taking over others. All I can do was take a backseat to it all, and watch. I remember distinctly screaming at myself as I let the compulsions take the upper hand, as if I was trapped inside a body that was no longer my own. I've been thinking about how that happened. I no longer had Netflix to rely on to relax. Nor did I start meditating or working out again. I also hadn't drank any coffee or alcohol due to a stomach infection. Right now those are my major stress relievers, Netflix, coffee and alcohol. I should probably add working out, meditating and seeing my friends more to that. I went out Saturday evening, though. It hit the spot. Singing and dancing the pain away. I'm not going to cut out alcohol or coffee yet. I'm going to keep abstaining from games, porn and watching Netflix in bed. And I'll try to add sports, being social and meditating to my weekly or daily habits. I hope that's going to be the right step in the right direction. Sometimes it all feels like I'm doing some sort of weird experiment on myself. Recent highlight: I was the solo production leader last Friday night and I nailed it! Budget status: My unemployment money file has been sent and I've just opened a shared bank account with my girl. Come January, we'll be splitting lots of costs, so yay! My one goal for the next 24h: Not break into two pieces and play games. Porn, I'm not so scared of for now. I need to delete the mobile game I've been binging. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Still going strong. -Make the bed - Still going strong. -Drink enough water - Takes a bit of extra effort now and then. This'll probably pick up again this week after I clean the kitchen. -Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - Slowly becoming a staple. -No daydrinking at home alone: I have one more beer to consume. Then I'll be off the sauce unless there's company involved. -Meditate once this week: not yet done -Be social once this week: not yet done -Exercise once this week: not yet done
  15. Day 21. "Career." The commercial went great. It was like a real Hollywood-set! I was constantly followed around by the make-up lady who would make sure I wasn't too hot or cold, or too shiny or dirty. The whole day there were people picking at my hair and clothes to make sure the shots and close-ups were just perfect. The catering was okay but the snacks were amazing. It's clear they had a crazy budget. I had so much fucking fun. There was a huge bed in the shape of a burger, a funny outfit, jokes all around, ... I felt like a kid in a candystore. I was allowed to be silly and funny and just enjoy myself. I was able to make the crew laugh so many times. I went home with a really accomplished feeling. I woke up this morning with another offer for a few days of shooting pictures. Same castingbureau. I think I may have made a good impression. I saw on social media that lots of my friends suddenly turned their profile pictures yellow for over 50%. I didn't know why. I read some very emotional statements about loving acting and so on... Then I read the news. The government is proposing to cut 60% of the budget for culture. That means dramatically less tv-shows, shorts, movies, ... A culture-sector-killer. This is exactly why I'm diversifying and trying to get also into coaching and cater to companies and become independant from theatershows or comedy and such. I'm happy I'm thinking long term and I'm sad this is happening to me and my friends. I've always hated our dysfunctional government. Gobbles up money, chews out the little man and runs away with shitloads of money through taxes and mismanagement. Ugh. I just hope nothing truly dramatic changes. Recent highlight: The commercial had me jumping up and down in a bed make to look like a huge hamburger. That's a dream come true. Budget status: Now that the commercial was done, I'm done with worrying about money for this year, I feel. If I could get that next gig, the photoshoot, I'd feel reassured we'd be fine until January, I think. Or maybe even February. My one goal for the next 24h: Knock tonight out of the park. I'm flying solo at my other job tonight. I'll have to lead a crew of 80+ actors, welcome 400+ guests and say the right things, do the right things, show leadership and cut tensions. I'm nervous on the one hand. But on the other hand I realize that it's waaay too soon for me to do this without my mentor. So if there's any mistakes, I can easily point out that I'm just not trained well enough to take on the entire enchilada of responsabilities on my own. So I'm pretty okay. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Nothing specific to report. Still going well. -Make the bed - Nothing to report. Still going well. -Drink enough water - Starting it back up again now that the stomach inflammation and the cold is backing down. I don't feel like I really broke it, I just replaced water with tea for a while but the app says it's not to be switched with something else than pure water. -Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'm slowly starting to clearly put this in my morning routine. I thought I would be a big hurdle. But it's getting easier to maintain this. -I've vowed to drink my last two beers at home yesterdayevening. So when I drink those, at some point in the future, I'll start a new habit: no more daydrinking and drinking tea and doing something relaxing instead, like meditating.
  16. I agree with how addictions are mostly just symptoms of underlying bigger issues. And often when you decide to start cleaning your life up a bit more, you have to start being becoming aware of the muck that is present. When you see what should be changed for the first time properly, it's daunting and confronting... I remember the first few entries of my diary. I suddenly got given a whole new look on my relationship. It lasted for a few more conflicts and then I realized that I'd gotten myself stuck in a pretty toxic situation. I can empathize with realizing that there's some flies in the soup and that it might take a lot of effort and time to remove them. Your parents, your partner, yourself. I do want to give you major props for coming to that realization; every change starts with finding out what needs to change. This is a big step in your awareness. Congrats! And I wish you shitloads of strenght :) :)
  17. Day 19. "Break?" I didn't really actually do anything yesterday, I feel. Like I went to my business class, but I was still a bit under the weather. I'd given myself a day or two off due to being sick. I wasn't that sick yesterday, so I kept my burners low. But today there's just so much to do, check, arrange and prepare... Sometimes I love how fast-paced my life is. I have hobbies, career opportunities and I'm trying my best to expand the career to be able to cover all of my basic expenses. But holy shit, it's a lot of work. I'm starting to feel like I need to step it up a notch. My regular life is so speedy that when I'm out of it for a few days, it really shoves my nose into how inhumanely fast it all actually is. Don't get me wrong, I get crazy shit done, I'm proud of it all and it's way better than what I used to do. But I do realize clearly that I'm not going to be able to do this for 10 years so I need to make sure there's some form of structure and rythm here for the long run. I guess today will be all about picking up enough speed to get back into the daily grind. Recent highlight: Watching 'Rory O'Shea Was here' with my girl yesterday. I cried so much. Also because it reminded me of my dead aunt and grandma. I love having a partner where I can just let emotions out without issues. Being a couple with her takes no effort whatsoever. I've been in very toxic relationships and I'm very blessed to have her. Budget status: Well, I guess in the middle of all the chaos, I should probably start budgeting again. I'll have to get an accountant for my business too. But WHEN? O.O XO so busy! My one goal for the next 24h: Prep the commercial for tomorrow. Turns out it's all in French... No native language of mine or English (the stuff I used in the casting demo). Nope. French. I have one day to learn the lines and we start at 7 am in a city a few hours over. YOWZA. Then again, it does pay super well so I guess the effort is worth the cashola. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - I keep breaking my streak whenever I have to work super hard. It knocks me out and this no longer bothers me. The app sends me enough reminder anyway. Still growing this plant, tending to it and enjoying it! -Make the bed - Still going strong. Often, on regular days, it just happens automatically. I like that I made this habit a thing! Show the malleableness of a human. -Drink enough water - I've missed a few days. But I was sick and slurping buckets of tea, so that counts for something. It's easier for me whenever I have regular days at home to pull this off. The app helps too. -Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - It seems this habit is slowly slipping into my pattern! I did it this morning again, almost without thinking about it. Whenever I have to rush towards someplace, it doesn't happen. This is more of a 'regular day' habit, I feel.
  18. Don't date the people you teach, man. Don't shit where you eat. Keep work and private life separate. Trust me.
  19. Day 18. "Commercial." I was out for a few days. The D&D-sesh was one of the best ones ever! Combat, stealth, social stuff, mystery and raising the stakes! Very happy with that! Friday I had the taping of my first episode. The voice directing wasn't so hard. I just had to keep an eye on the quality of it all. The actors were absolutely amazing. I had booked about 3 hours of studio time and they nailed in 2! Even with a long break included! This is a very good sign for the future! Now all that's left is editing and post-production. I'm so fucking excited. It was amazing to be able to be in the studio and see the voice-acting get done, make jokes with the whole crew, ... A dream come true. An utter mindfuck. Then I left for my weekend job. Hard but fun. Very hard and I'm starting to really feel that being one of the bosses of a crew of 80 actors has its challenges. I like being popular and well-liked. I might have to step on a few toes here and there to make the policies work. I don't like it, but I'll have to do it, though. I also learned that I had gotten booked for a Burger King commercial this week. I had to get rid of my beard, though. I had a big great bushy beard but now it's gone. But I get paid about 2000 for 1 day of shooting. Isn't that an insane amount?! I also had gotten sick. Holy fuck did that hurt... I was getting a bit of a cold, raspy voice, throat stuff, ... I had taken some NSAID before I went to bed and it fucked up my stomach badly. It kept hurting like a motherfucker all day. I was working but in soooo much pain 😞 I had the day off Sunday and Monday and just chilled around the house, went to see family and visited the grave of my grandma. Pretty nice all round. It was lovely to be able to slow down my usual insanely speeding steamtrain and take a breather. I'm still not 100% but there's too much to do to be able to lay down and relax. Recent highlight: Getting the fancy commercial gig! Budget status: The commercial gig nets me a lot of money. I'll be safe till the end of the year now, I think. And starting on the 1 of January, my girl is officially moved in so all costs get cut in two! We even have a shared account since this week ^^ My one goal for the next 24h: Just be and stay productive. I have 2 days working from home today and tomorrow. I want to use the properly. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Winning streak of 9 days! I might break it Saturday, though. It's going to be hella busy. -Make the bed - Still going strong. Even my girlfriend now does it because she sees me doing it. She says she does it for me, but I'm sure there's some form of habit growing there! -Drink enough water - Nothing specific to report. I try to maintain it as best as I can and when I'm at home I usually pull it off. If I'm on the road, not so much. -Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did clean my teeth this morning! So with a bit of an effort, I can maintain this, I guess? I'm still not sure about the three brushes a day, though. Maybe I should adjust this to a more realistic expectation?
  20. Thank you! It's taken quite some time and some big, big changes, though. But I'm pretty happy with what I've accomplished so far! It's taken therapy and some really tough choices, even cutting a few people out of my life to be able to quit gaming. And then when I was tackling porn, I felt like I was fighting against my own mind. Insane! I feel like the biggest battles against addiction are behind me. But I still like keeping this diary to give myself some structure. I was addicted for about a decade and a half. It takes more than a few months to fully recover. But I feel like I'm on the right track ^^
  21. Day 13. "Priorities." The business class is super interesting. I'm learning all about how to optimize your investments and money. Accounting gives me a headache, though. I'm not a numbers guy, but I do like finding ways to get around the system. But to be able to call yourself clever and find loopholes, you have to do the grind first and learn how the system actually works. Ugh. I had to cancel my plans with my friends tomorrow night. Because of a scheduling issue I have to go to work. Oh, it's not so bad, I think. Making money and I see my friends often enough. Once or twice a month. They'll manage without me ^^ It was playing Call of Ctulhu. Tomorrow I'll have a busy day and Saturday will be equally demanding. Tomorrow I start the day with the recording of my radioshow. I'm very curious what the result will be. Hopefully it's all funny and compelling enough to be granted more than a pilot. I'd love to make an actual show and release it as a podcast! In the evening I have work as a production leader in my cool acting job. I'm transforming more and more from actor to leader. It's funny that suddenly everybody comes at me with questions and I have to pretend to know it all XD I'm pretty demanding, though. Especially for myself. So I try to be as lean as possible towards others, because I know I can demand quality but tend to exagerate a bit. Recent highlight: Had a lovely dinner with my girl last night and the improv class after that was amazing! I love it when they bring musicians in to help us learn stuff and play with music and rythm and timing. It just flew by! I want more! There's 3 more music classes coming up every Wednesdayevening and I'm planning to make it to them all! Budget status: Gave my schedule to the coaching firm. Basically told them to jam as much in there as they could. I'll be without any money in about a week and I'd hate to have to go temping. Might as well try to go full blast, right? My one goal for the next 24h: Get my paperwork and prepping in order for the next 2 days and then have fun at the D&D-sesh tonight Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Winning streak of 9 days! I might break it Saturday, though. It's going to be hella busy. -Make the bed - Still going strong. Even my girlfriend now does it because she sees me doing it. She says she does it for me, but I'm sure there's some form of habit growing there! -Drink enough water - Nothing specific to report. I try to maintain it as best as I can and when I'm at home I usually pull it off. If I'm on the road, not so much. -Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did clean my teeth this morning! So with a bit of an effort, I can maintain this, I guess? I'm still not sure about the three brushes a day, though. Maybe I should adjust this to a more realistic expectation?
  22. Day 12. "Education." So the meeting was amazing. It's a company that grants small business loans to first-time-starters and also helps out in terms of education, courses and coaching. I basically told them I was still setting up all my domino pieces and was waiting for them all to line up before I actually hit the button. I got info about soooo many things, ... Banks, loans, insurances, organisations that could help me manage things or learn stuff, ... And I enrolled in all of their free courses. Business management basics, Marketing, Accounting, ... I figured if it's free, I might as well take as much info as I could, right? And if it turns out to be useless (because if you're good at something, never do it for free), I can just walk away with no issues. I had a productive day and yesterday was my first part of the business course. So many things to look up and see if it could be useful to me. And the teacher is very clever too, I've already learned so much. I just hope I remember it all 😛 I did take notes, but still. It's sooooo much information to try and maintain. Thank heavens I'm a smarter than the average bear. There is 1 thing weighing on me, though. This whole plan of starting a business was made with safety nets. I am planning to first get unemployment cheques, which in itself is a bit of a hassle because I was not fired, but I quit my job myself. So it's going to take a few weeks of white knuckling it and working shitty temp jobs to make money while I prep for starting the business AND will be moving in with my girl. So that's a pretty steep hil on its own. BUT. There is this thing the unemployment office grants called 'Springboard to independence'. It's basically a program that allows you to become a business owner and helps you set it up, but for 1 year you still get your unemployment money. That is my plan. Normally, everything was in place. I had the union rep willing to help me with the paperwork and everything. I called agencies to double check everything to make sure that I'm not missing anything vital. On the website it says that one of the reasons you could be refused, is if they find out you quit your job only to try and get into this program. It's meant to boost up and help people looking for a job to make their own living and grow, not for some already rich dude to abuse the system and get free money for a year. So they protect it a bit. And today I read that you're not allowed to use this program if you quit your job yourself... Which I did because of the bore-out. Because the doctor said I couldn't be fired for medical reasons because a bore-out isn't serious enough. Something which another several few doctors told me is bullshit. Something I could have formally gone in against but I didn't know I was allowed to do so... So now I'm a bit scared that it's all going to fail. And I feel like I'll only get that answer in a month or so... I'll email them just to be sure. But to explain the details of my question, I'd have to explain the entire situation to show how nuanced it is. And to ask if I could get into the program despite my rather specific circumstances, would already kind of be the equivalent of formally requesting entry; something I'd rather do via the union and using all the different kinds of documentation to solidify my request... I guess I'm just scared. I'm having another business class tomorrow and their company is at home in this kind of stuff, so I guess I'll ask them first. I assume they have experience with these kinds of matters... Recent highlight: Last night I had a stand-up comedy night. I didn't go so well, but I did feel more at ease with the other comedians. I also learned ALOT about hosting my open mic, money management and about how I look on stage. It was not a very good show I did, but I did learn loads! Budget status: Well, it seems that for now I'm good. Paid my rent and about to pay my insurances. I'll do my best to make my rent this month and I hope I'll be out of this valley then. My one goal for the next 24h: Have a fun and productive day today, working at home. And also enjoy my improv/singing class tonight! Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - When I have time in the morning to wake up properly, I keep doing this, so all good! -Make the bed - I can't remember the last time this one fell through! -Drink enough water - I try not to put too much pressure on this. When I'm at home, it's véry easy to maintain because my app keeps reminding me. But when I'm on the road it's a lot harder. Also I have to pee a lot and that can be annoying 😜 but the days I do do it, I think, compensate for the days that I'm unable to. -Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - Sometimes I'm home late and so tired I just crash into the bed, so no brushing then. I did clean my teeth, though. I'll try to do it more frequently but it still kind of feels like an assignment.
  23. Keep going, bud! Sounds like you're planting the right kinds of seeds right now, to be harvested later on with more ROI. Remember to try and not whiteknuckle the porn-stuff, change your values, change the way you look at it and why you do it and more importantly why you want to quit it. I took me a couple of relapses. After I went 45 days without it, I cracked and it felt horrible. But that feeling made me realize why I wanted to change that behaviour and that was the final push I needed to change my mindset about it.
  24. Day 10. "" So it's been busy. I was a cocktailmaker going 100 mph on Thursday. Great fun, love the pressure of having to cater to 80 people at once. But it's clear that the organisation is not as professional about it as I am. I work for an improv company and I teach for them and do gigs and am part of the players. But it's something that is growing rather slowly. I try not to fuss about it but it's mainly because the leader has trust issues and won't let anyone come near taking on more responsabilities. It's not my pig, not my farm. But I take cocktails seriously. We didn't have enough ingredients to start with. How can I make cocktails if the ingredients aren't there?! Friday was a blast but draining. My friends came over with breakfast, took me grocery shopping and went on to stay the whole day making food for the other friends who'd arrive later in the afternoon. After dinner I hosted a killer D&D-session where they faced their first dragon. I just hope I did it well. It's so hard to do right sometimes. I was slacking off a bit but now that this part is over, I'm ready to commit to going wild on the next chapter. It was also pretty great to see my friends be so friends-y. It made me realize that moving to this city was a good move on my part. They're good people. My career has given me opportunities to move away and grow. But I'm not so eager to because of them. I was offered a position to direct a theatre group a few hours away. I'd probably have to move to pull it off. I refused. I don't think it'd be a good move to leave my friends again. I've done it once before and it would just break my heart. It all feels good now. Together with my girlfriend I feel like I built up a good safety net here. We're around 30 ish and some of the have houses that need building or fixing, or kids that need babysitting. It might hurt my career a bit, but I feel like my place is among them. Close enough to help out and close enough to ask for help. My girl's always had this fantasy of living in the same couple of blocks as a bunch of friends so we can have our kids grow up together. Saturday was hard. The first to days were rather busy. I had to teach a class and do a comedy night. And then Sunday morning I had an event to work at. I spent the remainder of the day with my girl. Véry relaxing. We ended up playing boardgames instead of watching Netflix. As far as abstaining goes, so far, so good. But holy shit is it hard... Not gaming is okay for now. It's the thing that troubles me the least but it's also the thing that is able to sneak up on me the best. Porn is also okay for now. I clearly notice I still have tendencies. But my brain is more clean that it used to be and I actually get headaches when I see too much x-rated stuff. It's like I just can't handle the chemical reaction anymore. Quitting Netflix at night or listening to anything at night is hard. My girl has been instrumental in this. I've been reading more and I'll get a good reading lamp soon. I even deleted the app just a few minutes ago. That's a huge step. But mind you, I should have started with that. It's taken me 10 days. And I still have trouble falling asleep now and then. The long journey is far from over. This week will mark my final week 'chillaxing'. My sick pay stops on the 17th so I need to make sure I get some kind of temp job. I've been thinking about the coaching job I was offered. It's tempting to throw myself into that for several weeks instead of temping. It pays better but it might be too much too fast. Luckily, I can hit the brakes whenever I want and the good thing about temp jobs is that they are everywhere because they are so shitty and nobody wants to do them. Recent highlight: I saw a former colleague at the event I was working at. I cringed and felt weird. I quit that place and never showed my face in the past 6 months. I just went on sick leave and never came back. But then I realized that I shouldn't be ashamed at all. I stood up for what I thought was right and did it in a way that gave me the least amount of obstacles. I'm not a bad person that throws other people under the bus. I had been telling my superiors what I'd been feeling for ages. If anything, HE should be afraid of ME! He was the one sexually harassing people and management was ignoring it because he works in Sales and does his job well. I was unsure of myself and scared, but I realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was the speaker and presenter of the event, the host. He was in my house, not the other way around. I didn't confront or seek him out. I just left after my shift was over. Budget status: It's starting to improve slightly. But I really should get my laptop back or start a new budget file... I feel like I should make this a priority, but there's soooo many things on my plate, it's tough to find a balance. My one goal for the next 24h: Go the the meeting I've set for new small business owners and after that paperwork and groceries. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - I've been busy so a few holes here and there. But it's seems like I'm still okay. It's not like I'm losing this habit. It's just that I'm not perfect. -Make the bed - Almost seem to do it automatically. Feels good! Starting to link this habit to brushing my teeth. -Drink enough water - I did not make my daily goal like 4 days in a row. Just a couple of glasses here and there. But my life is so chaotic because I do 100 different jobs that it's hard to create stability. I should try and put clearing out the spare room and building a work space into my planner. -Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - I think I brush in the morning and the evening. Sometimes during the day too. But cleaning and flossing is hard to pick up. I feel like there's already a lot going on. Maybe I should get an app for this too?
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