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Phoenixking

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Everything posted by Phoenixking

  1. Day 86. "Dinner." Got up today and proceeded to fulfull all my designated habits. Drink enough water, making the bed, play some chess on my phone, mealprepping and starting to cook dinner. Last night's gig was pretty great. Tonight I'm having fancy dinner with my sister. Normally I obviously couldn't afford it. But there's this special month where everybody under 30 can go to a high class restaurant with star chefs for only 50 bucks. I order 4 of those last month. I kind of splurged... But luckily it is all-included and pre-paid. So I can just sit back and enjoy it without having to worry about money tonight. I'm growing more and more scared at some points, I notice. Fear in my relationship: one moment I'm daydreaming about what our wedding day would be, the other I catch myself wondering if I'm sexually attracted enough to her to maintain a monogamous relationship longterm. Fear in my career: one moment I'm terrified that I'll be poor in no time, fail horribly and end up in a worse place than I started, the other moment I feel like I was born to do this and that it'll be hard but that I'm now enough of a solid person to pull it off. Fear in my friends: sometimes it's great and I feel like I'm being included, the other moment I wonder if they're true friends and if I'm getting what I'm needing, like is this symbiosis or am I settling? Recent highlight: The gig last night went pretty great and I had to laugh badly a couple of times. Improv is great. Budget status: Got word from the tax office. We have to pre-pay 5 bucks to get the records checked... Only now do we receive this message. Ugh. So lame and time consuming. It'll take another week probably to get thing started and another one or two for them to check the records and another week or maybe two to get back to us. UGH. Give us the catharsis already! My one goal for the next 24h: Have a lovely evening with my sister over dinner while spending an afternoon filled with productivity. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Check -Make the bed - Check -Drink enough water - In progress and doing fine so far. I'm slowly starting to get used to it I think. A couple more weeks and I'll be porn-free for 90 days! I wonder what bad thing I should lay off next... Alcohol maybe? Considering my addiction-sensitive personality, I'd be worth to lay off it for a while. But I'm not sure. Maybe sugar? Or just not quit anything but keep adding good habits instead of laying off other stuff? In any case, I want to continue this diary, it gives me so much needed structure.
  2. Day 85. "New chapter inbound." Well, both doctor's appointments went great, to be honest. I got granted my last extension of paid sick leave. Starting this Monday, it'll be 4 weeks before my new start begins. I'll be temping for a while as I prep starting my own business. So there's some time for my side projects, prepping the resumé and so on. EXCITING! It's also very terrifying. Very. And there will be roadblocks ahead. I just have to keep fighting and sowing seeds here and there. Recent highlight: The last doctor was shocked when I told her about the previous doctor's behaviour. She agreed with me finding him unprofessional. Not that it matters, but it felt nice to get some acknowledgement. Now that he no longer has any influence on the matter, I was thinking of filing a complaint or maybe go and give him a piece of my mind. Budget status: Well, I might make the next month, just barely. I'm kind of scraping by and my savings are almost spent. It'll be a breather when my girl moves in, but we haven't heard from the tax office about the fine yet. I'll make a call soon to clear things up. Also, my computer doesn't seem to be coming back, so I'll have to start a new budget file... My one goal for the next 24h: I have a improv gig tonight and I'm planning on kicking ass! Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Check -Make the bed - Check -Drink enough water - In progress and doing fine so far. After a few weeks I'll start considering this habit as maintained and move onto the next which will concern personal hygiene, food intake and quality or maybe sports. We'll see.
  3. Finding a true soulmate takes time. It's not some comission that will one day knock on your door and tell you that they evaluated both of you and that you're a perfect match. It's the opposite. Sometimes it's plain luck. Some people have to go through a lot of shitty people to find that one diamond lying in the middle of all the dirt. And to be honest, turn it all around for a second. I faced my demons and work hard on myself on the daily. The me from a year ago was still a mess. The me from today? It's such a huge difference. I'm very happy mine showed up when she did because any day sooner, and I would not have been able to give her the best version of myself. Same goes for her. The reason why a healthy relationship is so crazily valuable is not just because of all the things you summed up. It's also super rare and it takes a lot of work to find that one person. So do the work, bide your time with a smile. Because the more that you pour into this dream of meeting your perfect parner, the more they'll be worth to you when you do find them when you're ready.
  4. Day 84. "48 hours. 6 months." I acted the hell out of the past weekend. I gave some people the thrill of a lifetime. I feel very proud. The live podcast could have gone better, but a lot of people still liked how witty and funny I was and the story writer told me about a secret dream they have: they want to write a movie with me. I told him I'd be up for it. If I'd be able to co-write and sell a movie scenario with him, I'd be set for a while. Everything seems to be a-okay with my girl and the moving in together is nearing a deadline. We'll receive word soon about how we'll go about cancelling her place. If we're lucky, we won't have to pay any fines for breaking her contract. But if we go about that route, she fears we might anger the landlord and it might bite us on the way out. She still has a security deposit invested in the place. I feel like there are no right answers here. I'd take the risk. She doesn't want to. We both feel like it's supposed to be a mutual decision. If she insists to pay the fine to keep the peace, I feel like it should be her money. She feels if we take the risk and it blows up in our face, I'd have to pay for any surprise bullshit the angered landlord might send our way. I think time will tell. I am in the middle of an important 48 hours. Today I had a visit with my doctor, tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor from the health insurance company that pays for my sick leave. Both those determine what will happen in the next 4 weeks. After that, the next 6 months will be on me, building the foundations of starting my own company. I'm both terrified and excited. My own doctor extended my sick leave, thus eliminating the possibility of ever having to return to that infernal office ever again. I quit my job myself and I am on sick leave until the end of my legally obliged period that I'd have to remain there. The doctor tomorrow will determine if I'll get sick pay for those remaining 4 weeks. It might be a big issue short term if that doesn't pan out. But long term, I'll be okay. I think I have, at the moment, everything I'd need to set up what I was planning to. The only thing I am left with is walking down the path I'm planning to. If everything goes well, I'll be a small business owner in 6 months and a certified speech coach. In another year, I'll be a full-time self-employed creative writer, actor and comedian. A part of me fears I'm going into a battle that will destroy me. Another part of me sings war hymns of how I may never die. Recent highlight: Getting a participant of the Prison Escape acting job I'm a part of to feel like she was the lead in her own jailbreak movie. Budget status: Tomorrow will set if I'll get some pay for the next few weeks. I'm not going to lie, I'm running on fumes a bit. It's a month to month situation for now. But in 4 weeks, I'll go hard on the temping thing and try to set up a healthy bank account in a couple of months. Working hard to achieve a dream is what I was made for. My one goal for the next 24h: Nail the doctor's appointment tomorrow and explain the situation. Also get a part of my paperwork done. So many letters, so many documents, ... Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Check -Make the bed - Check -Drink enough water - In progress
  5. Day 81. "She hopped on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over." I know, it's a joke in poor taste. It still made me giggle the first time I heard it. Living together with somebody can be annoying sometimes, that's part of it, I know. But realizing that rationally, doesn't make me any less annoyed emotionally. We had a huge conversation recently about my girl trying to grow up more. She's a little bit behind because her parents always mothered her too much, making her 'weaker' in the long run. I am the complete opposite and have been on my own since I was 19. Ten years later, I have all my ducks in a row, so to say. She's still playing catchup. Which is something that tries my patience... It's small things, like losing stuff. Her phone, het VPN-dongle, ... She was measuring her temperature with my Japanese thermometer and after she was done, just put it on the coach. I wanted to put it back in the medicine cabinet before it got lost, I take care of my belongings. She took offense. And then I said it. I was afraid that she'd lose it because she keeps losing stuff. She took offense, of course, but I also feel like it's a feeling grounded in reality. I've driven her to over half the country to get her phone back from some odd, random, far away train station. The atmosphere is just a little bit tense right now. She's also véry sensitive to her hormonal cycle each month. How angry she can get and how quickly, how sad she can get for nothing, ... I guess it's poor timing to bitch about stuff to her on my end. But I adhere to the idea that I should be honest with her all the time. I guess a part of a relationship is figuring things like these out. There's no real right answers, just rolling with the punches and hoping you can take the hits together and not drop the ball too often. I am a bit stressed and scared. Next week is my last week of sick leave. I have a regular doctor's appointment on Monday. If I play my cards right, she'll lengthen the sick leave for another 4 weeks and I'm good. If not... I might go a bit dark. I've already thought of a few doctors nearby that could do it in her stead. And a friend or two of mine are doctors too. I might press that relationship for a favor like that. It's not very ethical, I know. But desparate men do desparate things. If the amount of stress and bullshit is so high at that office that I'm willing to go THAT far, shouldn't an extension be warranted since it helps me dodge so many mental issues? And after all it's been extended two or three times now just for administrative purposes. I also discovered I have another appointment the day after too. The people who pay me for my sick leave want to see me... Who knows where I'll be in a week? I slept in this morning. I was supposed to wake up early and get shit done again. But I like waking up with my girl and snoozing. It was about 10 am before my day got started. A part of me thinks it was okay. Since I'll be working all weekend and quality time is important. But on the other hand, I've been feeling a bit trapped or slowed down sometimes too. When I get the water-thing down and the habit has truly been ingrained, I'll either look into exercising or the waking up thing. My sleep routine needs a makeover and some solid structure. Recent highlight: Discovering a new season of The Walking Dead, Westworld and Brooklyn 99. Budget status: I fucked up a bit. I didn't let the sick pay people know I was working last weekend. This might spoil the broth a bit. I'm going to try and clear it up later today by phone. My one goal for the next 24h: Do a good job tonight at my acting gig and try to get there early to get some other stuff done in the mean time. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Check -Make the bed - Check -Drink enough water - In progress
  6. Day 79. "Fearful and eager, tedium and drive." I went to see my mom. We talked about how much of a struggle life sometimes can be. She wired me some money, the sweetheart. She also gave me a birthday present she got from Venice, Italy. A motherfucking writing quill. Like, decorated, gorgeous metal, some ink. The feather is bright green with yellow spots. If I ever have some cool document to sign, I could do it with that one, the Feather of the Phoenix King. Crazy cool gift. It was also nice to be able to unload all of my stress. She listened to my quarrels and worries. I'm super happy we have this kind of relationship now. She's a smart and experienced woman, albeit flawed. It's funny how at some point in your life it dawns on you that your parents are not perfect, we're all only human, but for a long time they always seemed as if they had all the answers. I guess nobody really knows what they're doing. That must be why life is so confusing and hard sometimes, nobody's figured it out yet because there are no straight answers. It's all shades of gray. Yesterday was pretty productive. My app tracking my water intake was a good move. I cleaned out the pig sty that is our laundry room and set up different baskets for different types of laundry. One worry less. We haven't heard from the tax office yet so knock on wood. My mom told me that I should get new glasses this week since they have some kind of promotion that allows you to get 3 glasses for the price of 1! She's buying them for me, she says, but I have to got to the store and pick them out. You don't have to ask me twice! I've been sleeping kind of badly. Nightmares, tossing and turning. It's the office stuff. And the pressure I put on myself and money issues. I'm a productive dude if I can maintain my current tempo. I hope it's all going to be allright and some gigs might start coming in. I planned a writing day in the next two weeks and another moment to not perfect my resumé but just to get it to the point where I can work with it. The next step'll be to get my social media engine up and running and get some kind of plan for that. It's going to be hard, to be honest. It's going to be tedious to HAVE to post daily. But from that point on, it'll be work-related. I have to achieve some level of fame or reknown for my kind of business. The world is filled with talented entertainers. But not a lot of them get noticed and can build a career out of it. There is no Entertainment Committee that is going to come and knock on your door to pick you up out of your couch and send you off to the big leagues. You have to prove to the world, on a daily scale, that you are the best at what you do. The only way you'll get plucked is if you can prep yourself, rise above the other crops and make sure you're ripe enough to get picked. Recent highlight: Got the writing quill from mom. A véry renaissance gift, so cool. Budget status: Got my pay for september, finally. I can breathe a little easier. With a bit of luck, I can make it past October. If my math is right and the doctor willing, I can start work again mid-November. My one goal for the next 24h: I have some errands to run, so my one goal is to get to cleaning up a little bit here after those are done. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Check -Make the bed - Check -Drink enough water - In progress
  7. I'd say use the time you are getting. My girlfriend made the mistake of asking for more work at her job and now she is totally overwhelmed. But she can't give the load back because she asked for it herself. 'Having nothing to do' is a gift, man. Spend those hours wisely 😉
  8. Day 77. "Get out of jail free card." Slept in late today. Again. But I made progress. This time I was more conscious than last time. I am not an animal in the morning, I noticed I can be reached with some impuls. If I could only figure out which. If I snooze once, I lose the entire day, go to sleep late again and it all happens anew. I just need 1 night to start a winning streak. In a way, my girl's stuff is in the way. We sometimes get to bed really late because she's working or doing something else or scrolling her phone and I don't always have the guts to be strict. I'm focussing on creating good habits for now, this week I might start with my daily water intake, using a cool app (I got inspired by @Deku ). But there's going to be a point where I'll focus on my sleep pattern and sleep hygiene and that's going to be a big change, I feel. She's a tad chaotic and needs a lot of structure, I am too, I crave structure, but I'm learning to give it to myself because I'm tired of failing in my ambitions. Her chaos sometimes spills over onto my structure and it slows my progress. The things we do for love, I guess... My acting gig this weekend was great. I love doing my job. Speaking of which, this week marks my first week of quitting my job. 6 weeks is the total amount. So I quit it last week, and when you do, you need to keep on working for six more weeks and then you get no pay, no unemployment, nada. This is week 1 of 6. After that, my life is finally in my own hands again! This week and next week are still sick leave. So I'm safe for now. I was afraid to go to the doctor today to ask for an extension, since not wanting to go back there is not that big a reason and I wasn't sure the paperwork had gone according to plan. If she's make an exception and give me another 4 weeks, but in reality, I'd need 5? I'm not sure I'd dare to ask a second extension. I had a huge conversation with my girl last night. I have figured out that her landlord never filed the contract of her apartment with the state. I went to some info place about renting and they told me that if we got lucky and it's not registered yet, we can get out without having to pay fines and we can leave whenever we want because it's not legit paperwork. Right now, from the looks of it, we're in the clear. We're filing for a doublecheck at the tax office and if it comes out clear, we're gone. Not fines, saving us 1300 bucks of fines we won't have to pay and we'll start immediately saving 400 bucks on rent, both of us, each month. All costs cut in half. I'd be great, financially. But we'd need to make changes to the apartment. Living together can be a challenge for any couple. We're no different. We'd put a lot of stuff on paper and sign it to both feel safe. In case something happens, both of us would get what we own and invested back. My girl was a bit surprised and scared of me. Like as if her trust in me got scratched. I was so stonecold and rational about it all. I had figured out a legal way to weasel out of the contract because her landlord didn't file her paper with the tax office right. No fines for us and we get to leave whenever we want and on our own terms. But she felt like it was wrong. These were people who needed the money from renting out the apartment to pay for their mortgage. I feel like it's kind of her, but if she wants to volunteer to pay the fine for leaving the apartment contract early, she can do it all on her own. She said if we do this, she's scared she'll make them mad. She's scared they are going to try and fuck us over by not giving us the safety deposit back or anything. I said they're already trying to fuck you over each month by not providing her with an adequate fridge, stovetop or a bathroom with proper ventilation. I can't believe how fucking soft she is. It's like she would just hand her money over to them and do nothing about it, not wanting to anger anybody. How can you exist like that? It's like you keep apologizing to everyone around you for breathing their air. Recent highlight: The acting went amazing. Such a mindfuck. It's a long story, but there was this one woman who got so sucked into the story, and told me all about what she felt and was going through. THAT is why I do what I do. Budget status: If we hear back from the tax office and we're lucky, we might not have to pay any fines for leaving my girl's apartment. We've also been talking about her parents buying her a place nearby and renting it out to us. It'll take a big conversation with them because I want to feel safe. I am not willing to 'move into her apartment'. This is an 'us'-thing. The aparment has to feel like ours, both of us. So I want both of us to pay rent, equal amounts and for them act like neutral landlords. If we'd break up, I'd probably have to move so I'm putting myself in a more vulnerable position than her. Balance is important, but financially, I feel like we're making some right moves here. My one goal for the next 24h: Get the laundry problem sorted. Make different baskets for white, colored, 30 degrees and 60 degrees laundry with labels on them. We need to clear out the place a bit and upgrade our laundry process. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Check -Make the bed - Check -Drink enough water - In progress
  9. Tell me about it. However, my travels to Japan, NYC, California and Canada changed my life and how I am. So I totally get why she wants to do it. But I also things she's just fleeing. She's trying to find something she can use to run from her problems instead of facing them. Just like what we do with games. I understand why, but I can't allow it. I've fought a lot in my life and it's made me stronger, I want that for her too. And then there's the money issues. It's insane. My friend told me he had the same issue with his girl too, until he just let go and agreed and she took a look at the books herself. That's when she came to the conclusion herself that it's just not possible. I guess I might do that too. I don't know. Relationships are complicated, man. Well, not always, but nowadays mine sometimes really is. We're just both dealing with a lot right now.
  10. Day 74. "Travel? Seriously?" I slept in hella late today. I really need to work on my daily schedule one of these days... It's all so random. I can start my day anywhere in betwee 6:30 am or 11:30 am. Sleepy me just ignores the alarm clock. And I need about an hour to wake up properly. Coffee first, then Japanese exercises, then food and then we kick ass. So I'm starting to get into a useable morning routine. I might try adding some physical exercise in there. Phys rep stuff or 30 min runs. I'm about to leave for my acting job for two days, I might not post. It'll depend on the chaos and time. I just had a big talk with my girl. She wants to travel. Like, wtf? She's basically bleeding money, we're about to go and live together and pool our finances and all of a sudden she comes off as a whining, spoiled, fancy white girl. She says it's really important for her to have one big holiday each year, travelling is important for her and it's a priority that her partner can come along with her. Not only can she not afford it right now, I can't afford it either. I understand that it's her way of de-stressing and winding down and sure, discovering and learning about new cultures first hand is super cool and enriching for your mind and soul. And she doesn't need anything fancy, we can go backpacking, use hostels and cheap flights, ... I'm all for it, you can do cool stuff with a few hundred bucks. But then she talks about Canada, Peru, Japan, ... Exotic stuff... I'm used to saving money, being poor, budgetting, ... I get my kicks from performing, doing what I love, improving myself and my life. I love travelling and adventures, but I've had less then 5 trips in the last 10-15 years. Canada, New York, Spain and Japan. She's used to travelling waaay more. She's starting to have doubts about us, it feels. She's stressing out a lot. It might be work or simple fear of commitment. But I feel like maybe we should postpone the living together a bit until we've become a bit more stable... Just because it saves money, shouldn't mean we have to start living together and pool our resources. That's a bad move and a risk I'm not willing to take. And I understand that travelling is a priority for her but waiting a bit shouldn't be a dealbreaker, especially when she's been complaining about how she bleeds money and yet doesn't seem to do anything about it. She can be a bit all over the place sometimes and I want a stable relationship myself too. I don't like thinking in terms or right or wrong, but I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable. She's a bit afraid that I'll never be able to give her the slightly more luxurious lifestyle she's eager to have. I feel like she also wants more structure. I work when she's free and the other way around. She's chaotic. So where I'd say, let's check the planner and schedule some dates, she'd just want more spontaneous stuff. My friend keeps telling me that this is the core of a relationship. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it... I'm happy that I'm no longer this person who'd sacrifice everything to be with someone. But I hope I'm not being too stubborn. Recent highlight: Last night we stayed in, cuddled and watched a movie. She fell asleep in my arms. And she loved the hot chocolate I made her. It was all so simple, but felt great. Budget status: Still broke. But if my understanding of my paperwork is correct, there's still 600 bucks coming. I might have to tough out October and November. But in November this shit should end, I'll get a temp job and get paid more and more regularly. There is indeed a winter coming. My one goal for the next 24h: Keep my head screwed on right, try not to worry about the relationship stuff too much and act my ass of and enjoy the next 2 days of acting. Yay! Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Check -Make the bed - Check
  11. Day 73. "Quality time." I woke up early today. Well, by that I mean my girl dragged me out of bed and I didn't fight her too much. I'm NOT a morning person and am not productive at all. It's about 11 am now and after I've had some food, I'll be good to go, finally. I hate waking up early, but I also take a lot of time to get my engine running. But it's like an old fashioned locomotive. It takes a long time at first to warm up, the speed is slow and bit by bit it accelerates. After a while, it's gotten to the point where it's hard to stop it. So I'm going to have some food now, look at my habits and my book once again, clean the kitchen counter, do the dishes and empty out the dishwasher and then I'll probably do some paperwork and emails and see if I can prepare for tomorrow. I have 2 days of acting lined up. I'm having a bit of a fight with my girl. I took a stand. We've been having a rough patch and because of scheduling issues (me teaching a class, her going to dnd, me being addicted to a stupid phone game and not showing up at home) we agreed to select tonight as quality time. Nothing gets in the way, just her and me. Swimming, walking, boardgames, wine, whatever. Just the two of us. To remind ourselves of how much in love we are, despite the rough patch. But today she texts me that she'll have to work for two more hours after she's come home. She's spending a lot of time in meetings today so she has to catch up. Again. And it pisses me off. Her work is not supposed to come in between stuff like this, it's like our quality time as a couple is only possible because her work schedule permits it. I admit that I'm not the most easy person to schedule stuff with, but this should be a priority, right? She said I could have a few hours of quality time or nothing and that we should take what we can get. But I don't agree. Your relationship should be a priority over your work. I'm not the best person to say that because I had to have a talk with her modifying her expectations, I'm a creative freelancer after all, my schedule is chaos. Oh well... I'm pretty sure I'm overreacting a bit because I can see her slowly burning up. Her work stresses her out and on some days she's not sure she can handle it. I'm just worried, I guess... My shoulder is more messed up than before. I can't fathom what I did wrong but it's clear that it's not going to go away on it's own. I'll have to see a doctor. Again. And I'll have to ask them for lenghtening my sick leave with 4 weeks. That's a pretty long time. I hope my oratory skill will be up to the task, I hope I can convice the doctor to give me what I want. Recent highlight: The teaching last night went really well, I think. I'm curious if I'll get any feedback. Budget status: So I'm broke, it seems. I hope the paperwork I send in today wil get my my sick pay. I hate paperwork. But I shouldn't have let it lying around like this. Now I have to scrape by. Like, I have to drive 200 kilometers in the next two days. I hope I can pay for that. My one goal for the next 24h: Get the paperwork done today and get my work done so that I can act and coast on my prepped work. I don't like having to do last minute stuff. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Check -Make the bed - Check
  12. Day 72. "Slowly but Shirley." I haven't done the habits-thing yet. I have to go and print it out. I'm trying to stay afloat in the midst of all of the stress, postponing certain things and giving priority over others. I hope that if I just keep doing stuff and trying to focus on getting better, bit by bit, the stress'll go away. I have an improv class to teach tonight, the advanced classes, so that'll be fun. But I'll also have to get groceries and cook and that'll eat up a portion of my day. I wanted to wake up bright and early, but I'm not a morning person. My inner troll takes over and just smashes the snooze button, there's not a conscious thought in the process. I'd like to try and find some more reliable way of going to sleep and waking up. I feel like I should stop doing whatever I'm doing at around 10 pm, read a little bit and then try to drift off using nature sounds or something. I really need to get off the Netflix and podcasts and stuff, it's a pretty bad habit. And the only way of making sure that I'll fall asleep properly like that, is by working my ass off during the day. I think I might be spending my time just a bit too passively. Which is ironic because there's really so much to do and arrange. I'll just do what seems needing doing. Groceries, cooking, prepping the class tonight, change the sheets, shower, clip my nails, do the dishes, ... It doesn't feel like a magical day full of crazy responsabilities. But even this gives me a level of anxiety. Almost as if I'm scared to forget something. Recent highlight: My girl and I had been having an off week, without sex and with a few discussions/fights. This morning we had sex for the first time in what seemed like an age for us. Budget status: Since my computer is still KO and at the repair shop, I don't have the full view. But I think I'll be fine for now. I have to get some temp jobs, but I'm fine with that over going to the office again. My one goal for the next 24h: Make a list of my habits and observe which ones help me grow into the person I want to be and which ones slow me down. Also try to go to sleep in a healthy way and wake up early. But it'd be okay if that fails. Maintained habits: Daily Japanese lesson - Check
  13. Hey dude, in regards to your hobbies and ambitions, I'd say just go for it. It's a huuuuuuuge load anyways. If these are the things you want to do and make you happy, don't stop yourself. Don't push yourself and expect amazing things on day 1, but enjoy the process. I started writing screenplays this year. I might do something with those this year or the next or whenever, but the point is that they are there. They're finished. The investment is complete. The next step is ready. It's like giving yourself 10 mountains to climb. That's okay! Enjoy the hikes! And maybe you switch mountains midway. It's great you've figured out these mountains are YOUR mountains to conquer and enjoy. But just don't expect yourself to climb all 10 at the same time and at top speed.
  14. Day 71. "Weight." My friend Matt came over to talk about everything. The genius bastard brought his running shoes figured I'd need a good run and a talk. This dude had known me since kindergarten. His level of knowing me well has gone to near telepathy. It felt great. He also reassured me that he struggles with the same things, as do all other people. Money and big decisions, talking about just about anything with your partner, worrying about the future and daring to take risks, ... All of it. It put me at ease a little bit. Today I quit my job. I heard about what I had to do from the union rep and what process it would require. How long I'd have to temp to even make it doable. I feel like if that's the price I'd have to pay to never set foot in that place again, I'd pay it. I posted my resignation letter today. I'll make an appointment with the doctor next week or something. I'll ask about extending the sick leave one last time and to take a look at my shoulder. The running felt kind of nice. Maybe I should do it again sometime? I've been craving some physical hobby. I want to put down 1 building block a day. But I'm starting to feel like that's a tad too ambitious. I'm so overwhelmed by all of my chores, household stuff, administration, hobbies, ... Even if I cut whatever I can, I still feel like it's a huge load on a person. But it seems like everybody struggles with this. I just hope that cleaning my life up a bit more, making some changes and trying to slowly solidify my foundation will help out. For now I have the Japanese going for me and it's going to be a daily thing. I'll take a look at the Atomic Habits book again and see what the next 'upgrade' could be. The videogame cravings are hella strong nowadays. The last relapse seems to have been a big one... Recent highlight: Had a healthy evening with the girlfriend, no Netflix or anything, just talking and playing board- and cardgames together. Budget status: Oddly enough, my girl is worse off. She's got a full-time paycheck and somehow I'm the one who's not bleeding money. I guess focussing on money and management helps. My one goal for the next 24h: Get my hands on the Atomic Habits book again and start tracking and looking at my habits, trying to improve the good ones, make new good ones and try to eliminate the bad ones. Maintained habits: Daily Japanese lesson - Check
  15. Day 70. "The Winter." Yesterday evening was rough. I had a big talk with my girl. I did the math and it'd be cheaper for her to come live with me first for a while, then after a few months get to our new place together. She'd hoped I'd move to hers before we move again. She didn't take it well. She wants to stay in her same neighbourhood, but that's not what we agreed upon. We left the discussion for what it was because it was so late. Both of us stressed and such a big and complicated situation? Best to table it for a few days and mull it over. We'd have to pool our resources and plan ahead a year. That's a big thing for a young couple. Add to that that there's always bills to pay. It's all a little overwhelming. So I've decided to try and make sure I do 1 daily upgrade to my life. Just 1. Babysteps, you know. Today that will be visiting the union office to get more info about what my options are. I'm going to try and figure out what to do today. I told her about the gaming. She was rather strict. I caved when she asked where I'd been all evening. She'd texted me, was looking for me, missed me and she was stressed and wanted some quality time, she needed me. I was in the car, parked one block over, playing the stupid game, for 2 hours. I felt so bad about that, I deleted it instantly. There's lots of things to do. Cleaning up my phone and trying to disable the mobile games stuff. Getting an 18+ -filter on everything, getting new time-managing apps on the phone and this computer. Since mine is busted, I'm still borrowing my girl's. I had a sort of score card to list up all of my bad and good habits. I need to get more gigs and get more money, because it's waning. So many things, ... I guess that's how you climb a mountain, eh? Just one rock at a time. Only thing left to do now is figure out which rock first. -Update: Talked with the union rep. The current plan is to quit my job asap, use the current sick leave to absorb 2 weeks out of the 6 I'd still need to spend at the office and hope that the doctor will grant me another 4 weeks so that I never have to step into that infernal place ever again. They made it clear it's going to take a while to get my files ready. They'll facilitate, so I joined their union, and help me out with everything. But it's going to take some temping. Honestly, between going back to the office or temping for a while so that I can get my unemployment money and start my business, it's an easy choice. The latter will be hard, but not as bad as the former. I feel like I should see the doctor first so that they can confirm that they'll grant me another 4 weeks. But even if they don't, I need to quit my job to get ahead of the situation. At least it'll diminish things from 6 weeks to 4 weeks in hell and that's an improvement too; but obviously I'd rather the full 6 weeks in limbo. It's going to be hard. And I'll need all of my wits and fighting force. I've taken it upon me to rise from the ashes once again, regally. I keep falling and I keep getting back up stronger and faster. Starting today, it seems, I embark on a big adventure, where I'm betting on myself. It's terrifying and I hope I make it. But honestly, I don't see any other way at this point in time. I want this. I want to see what it's like to spread my wings. I'm done fretting and stressing. I want to work in a daily, self-made environment. I'll find an office for myself, make my own if I have to, or get a co-working space or hang out at a coffee place. Whatever works. And I'll keep journaling to keep myself focused and sane. I always thought that quitting a job and starting off on my own would feel like a huge deal, something big and dramatic and that I'd feel relief and happiness. It might be the relapse still dominating my emotions, or the stressful conversation I had last night with my girl, but I don't feel that relieved. More apathy than I'd think. Recent highlight: Ate supertasty quesedillas yesterday. Whenever we hang out for D&D, my buddy's girl cooks. And I got gifts too! Great friends ^^ Budget status: I should get more money somehow. My one goal for the next 24h: Start doing Japanese daily and keep that new positive habit in the journal.
  16. Hahaha, thanks man. Yeah. I guess I might be. Typical for me to bite off more than I can chew. I'm not sure what we're going to be doing from now. I do agree with that I need structure. It's why I'm holding on to the diary so hard right now. I'll figure out somewhere along this week what I'll do. There's still 3 more weeks to go. I wouldn't mind another job for a while, as you said, the financial security is a plus. As long as it's not this previous/current office. And I'll look into some other sport. Maybe just taking long walks could tide me over for now until the shoulder properly healed. I've been meaning to let a professional take a look at it.
  17. Day 69. "The Fall." I said I'd journal more, to give myself a bit more structure and to engage more in conversations with myself. It seems like I underestimated how nescessary this was. I relapsed. I got totally hooked on some stupid mobile game and now I can't stop doing it. I do it when there's friends nearby, when I should be sleeping or eating, I do it when I was podcasting, ... I feel horrible, disgusted, guilty, ... And yet I still do it. Like a part of me is able to finally relax and give in. Like I don't have to fight this anymore, I can be at rest. My methods of coping with stress are diminishing and this relapse is an obvious result of that. This was bound to happen. I'm scared my shoulder would get more fucked up if I were to go to training, so no Krav Maga. I've been keeping up with my Japanese, but I've been fucking around with my phone too often and don't get as much sleep as I'd want to; I should have been reading instead of on my phone. I feel like I'm a different person when I play games. I'm very addicted. I can't seem to stop running away from the big challenges ahead of me. When we fall, we get back up. I'm not sure when this'll be, but whenever it is, I'll make sure to do it one step at a time. At least I haven't watched any porn. When I hit 90 days in a few weeks, I'm going to cut another bad habit of mine. I've yet to decide which. I'm going to try to keep journaling daily again to try and improve daily too. I'm not going to lie. This is a rough patch. I'm scared. I usually don't admit or say this, but I'm not sure I'm capable of all of this. Maybe I'm in over my head? All of the bills, the moving in together, the busted car and laptop, seeking education to be a coach and becoming self-employed. I'm afraid I'm risking everything, betting on myself. But a voice inside of me keeps asking if I'm strong enough. I mean, we're all only human, right? It's perfectly credible to accidentally bite off more than I could chew, right? What if this is one of those things? Recent highlight: I went to see my old film school buddies. They are all struggling with the same thing. Living with their parents, co-housing in a shitty and small place, writing and trying but not actually succeeding. In a way I want them to be succesful, obviously, but in another way I'm happy to see that I'm not the only one dealing with the hustle. Budget status: If I'm able to survive the next 2 weeks on 15 bucks for booze or fast food or luxury stuff, I'll have broken even. I splurged a while back on some things but using the 50-a-week-method I'll have compensated for it shortly. I'm also going to calculate some stuff and simulate a few scenarios for moving in together and saving and cutting costs and investing in stuff... My one goal for the next 24h: See the union rep and plan out what's going to be coming my way. Who do I contact, with which questions and when?
  18. Day 68. "Dark omens." I said I'd try journaling more often, and yesterday I skipped it. I got a call in the morning. My doctor told me that getting to leave my office due to medical reasons won't be an option. The whole administrative process is now shut down. Officially, I have to return to that hellhole on the 21st next month. Kill me now. So I was in a horrible mood for the first few hours. I played a boardgame by myself, listened to piano music, went for a walk and some errands and listened to a podcast. In the end, I did just all those things and almost nothing else. Then the stand-up evening I pioneered came and went. And now it's the afternoon of the next day. I sulked, let the emotions happen, snapped at my girl, hit pillows, the whole anger-spiel. Now the fight starts anew. I'm seeing the union rep on Monday and we'll go over my options. Looks like I'll be taking the hard road. I might have to quit and thus get no unemployment moneys. So after spending several weeks in The Office From Hell, I'll have to spend some weeks doing random temp jobs. If I can mentally survive all of that and roll with those punches, if I'm lucky, I'll get the unemployment money. And that's a big if. I can already feel my strong will cracking when I think about all of it. I still want to start a business. But I'll need a new computer, probably have to pay lots of fees and administration, I've been looking into getting a course to be a certified Coach, I'd need a space to receive clients in, my car is getting busted, ... There are so ludicrously bills to pay. And my girl is getting more and more stressed out. Her job is taking a toll on her mental wellbeing but she's never learned to be a fighter like me. Her parents did all of the work themselves, so she's not as strong and mature yet as I am. She does nothing but work and complain about the work and stress and fret. She works on the train to work, in her office and continues once she's home. I feel like I can't help her see reason. Then there's the moving in together. We need to pick a place and stick with it, but that means breaking the other's contract and paying the big fee. If she had stood up a bit more to her landlord, we might be in a different situation. But she doesn't have the gas in her tank because of her work situation. But I refuse to be the victim of that. I'll see what I can do. All of this is so scary. It's really stressing me out. Because of my busted shoulder I can't work out like I want to to vent some of it. I'm going through a rough patch. I'll be fine in the end, but some days nowadays feel pretty shitty. HOWEVER! The improv gig the night before was amazing. I felt relaxed and in control, confident and funny. We nailed the gig. It was interstellar. My stand-up last night was promising. It still needs a bit of work but I'm sure that I'll have material that could get me paid gigs in a few months, maybe even sooner if I'm lucky. I experience comedy differently from how I used to. I guess I matured a bit. Whatever shitty shit and money issues and stressy stuff gets thrown at me, I'm still clearly a good entertainer and able to speak in front of a crowd with ease. There are still things that I'd like to work on, stuff that bring just a tad too much instant gratification. And I should really get around to using that Habits-book... Recent highlight: A squirmy, nerdy-looking 16-year old stepped up to the plate last night and did 5 minutes of comedy. I fucking cried tears of laughter. That kid is going to be amazing and I feel privileged that I got to see'm. Budget status: The 50 a week thing is still working out. Slowly but surely, we save money. I just hope I'll have enough in the coming year to weather the storm. There's going to be some crazy changes and investments... Maybe I should look into getting a business loan to get things started up. But I don't want to dig a hole before I start building my mountain. My one goal for the next 24h: Do a good podcast episode and enjoy it.
  19. Day 66. "Slipping into something." I don't really know what's up yet... The last few weeks, I feel like I've been slipping into something. A funk, a period with lower energy, a rutt? Is it stress? I'm not sure yet. As of today, I've been off porn for 66 days. I've played a few mobile games, sadly, and there are some lewd subreddits that I visit just a tad too much in my opinion. But all in due time. I got yet another extension of my sick leave. I've been gone from the office since June. Talked to my doctor again, saw a psychologist, ... I try to make sure I jump through all of the hoops they present me. But all this red tape is wearing me out. I'm so eager to start the next chapter and try to be a speaking coach. But I'm running a bit low on energy. I'm not sure why yet. I am going to try to journal more frequently and give myself more structure. Right now the house is a mess, my planning is rather demanding and I have multiple cool projects in the works. But there's also lots of big stuff coming my way. All of it awesome, don't get me wrong, but all require an investment of energy, dedication, time and money. I feel tiring, like I'm leaking. And I need to find the hole and patch it quickly. I'll start with cleaning this place up a bit, having a shower, some water to drink and practice my standup comedy. I'll cook some fish later and leave a plate for my girl because I'll have to leave. I have an improv gig tonight and the place is sold out. So fucking cool. I'm pretty sure I can handle this funk. But I'm also pretty sure I can only handle it, if I journal daily. I need daily reminders of what's important. Daily conversations with myself to find out how I feel, what I need and how I'll manage the day. I'm not fine right now, I'm not okay right now and that's okay. I will be. I just have to make sure I get back up again, slowly and step by step. Starting with cleaning up a bit, a shower, cooking the fish and doing the improv gig. Recent highlight: My girl threw me a surprise birthday cake coffee party. I got loads of cool D&D- and coffee-related gifts. She had had a Marvel cake made. That girl is marriage material, right there. I can easily imagine spending my life with her. Her heart is huge. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve her. Budget status: Been keeping an eye on things. Looking okay. Been saving a bit but not much. Progress is slow. I could really use some gigs. Been focussing on the whole docter/sick leave stuff so getting gigs has been on the back burner. My energy is not infinite. I'll make rent this month, I think. But last month I saved up about 200 bucks. Pretty sure this month and next one won't be like that. I hope to make it through without having to break my piggy bank. My one goal for the next 24h: Nail the improv gig tonight.
  20. Day 59. "Extension." My shoulder is still messed up. I have been craving Krav Maga like crazy. I need some exercise to let off some steam. As soon as I'm healed, I'll start it up again. I can feel it getting better, but the progress is slow. I've started going to weekly improv classes again and I teach a class every two weeks. It's a great way to make an extra buck. I get 50 per lesson I teach. It's also a good way to see people more and have a laugh. I went to see the doctor that decided on my situation. Last time I saw him, he was nice, kind, listening, understanding and supportive. But this time he was cold, distant and plane unprofessional. He'd forgotten to schedule an appointment last month, making me extend this crap situation for another 4 weeks. But this time he had the gall to tell me that I was wasting his time. I bit my tongue instead of his. After all, he's the one in control of it all for now. He told me I was supposed to get help for my bore-out and that I was supposed to have gotten some document from my doctor that detemines how permanent my situation is. To be fair, the same document that said that also said I was supposed to bring all of the scans, radiology reports, and so on. I just assumed that it wasn't something I had to do. If I'd broken some bone or gotten sight or hearing issues, sure, that I get. But this? I was so confused. When I saw him last time, we ran through all I needed to do, I did all those things, gotten a testimony from my doctor, one from my job coach, ... Ugh. After that hot mess I got into a higher gear and put my war face on. I found every single organisation that could help me out. I saw my doctor this morning and explained it all, she said she'd call him, send him that document and got me in touch with a shrink. I also went to the offices of the union and explained all of it too. They told me what my options and best moves are right now. I'm about to finish sending the final email. In total I'll have been on paid sick leave from June to November. I hope to hell that they'll finally allow me to quit without repercussions. My girlfriend and I are doing swimmingly. The living together is going fine. I've never felt so scared of losing somebody or fucking up a good thing. She takes everything like a champ. I would sacrifice so much for that girl. The next year is going to be crazy. We'll need a new car because mine is causing to much pollution. But I've been teaching her to drive and together with her teacher, she's getting over her fear of driving. I'm so proud of her. We'll end up probably owning and paying for a car together. So that's another cost cut in half, but it'll obviously require an investment first. Same goes with us living together. It's going to be better in the long run, and cheaper, and it's going to be great. But we'll have to suck up the costs of breaking one of our contracts first. And then there's me investing in my own business. If I want to have a website built, have a healthy plan, ... It's also going to cost me. It's going to benefit my mental health and hopefully help me make more money. It's all a little bit stressy and hazy. I haven't relapsed, thank hell. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we handle it amazingly. I guess just like any couple would. There was some mobile games that popped up a few days/weeks ago, but I'm okay now. No porn either. Some images and lewd subreddits, though. But I'm not sure it'd be wise to tackle that hurdle right now. Call it a temporary nescessary evil. But I'm aware of it and am willing to filter that out of my habits too. Recent highlight: Told my girl that I'm scared and wanted to provide for her. That I don't want the pressure and stress to slowly consume us. That I'm scared, not because I think I won't be able to handle it, but because I care so friggin' much. I don't know what I'd do if I'd lose her. She was so kind and loving while I opened up to her. Budget status: The 50 per week is going well. I'm really saving money now. I did splurge majorly, though. There's this thing that comes once a year where you can go have dinner or lunch at a fancy restaurant that noted in the Gault Millault guide for just 50 bucks. I'm going 4 times 😛 I kind of regret it, but it's cool. 3 more weeks of not going out for drinks and we'll be fine. My one goal for the next 24h: Get the next steps of the battle plan up and running. And prep for this weekend, since I'll be acting again. Yay!
  21. Day 50. "So. Fucking. Busy." 13 pushups & 26 situps per day - Messed up my shoulder. I want to get back to exercising, but I have to wait for it to heal. UGH. I've finally healed. The first day I was okay, I got swept up in all of my shit that I had to do. Improv, podcast, work, administration... I don't work at the office anymore and yet somehow I'm more busy nowadays. It's a little bit taxing on the one hand. But on the other hand I really need to tire myself out during the day to be able to fall asleep. I notice I have a lot of energy and it really needs to be used up or I'll just stay up late and fuck up my sleep. For a freelancer, it's been a busy two months and it's not looking like it's going to get any quieter. So that's good! I've engaged a graphic designer to create a great resumé and personal brand for me. I'm going to try and become a full-time badass freelancer, but I'm also a little bit terrified. I have so many plans. I just hope this works out. I have a comedy night at the end of this month. My own creation. So that means I have now a monthly platform to test my own material. And another thing to put on the resumé. My improv teaching starts this week and will be a bi-weekly thing for 10 classes. Next week this time, I'll learn what the specialist tells me about my sanity and returning to the office, but it looks like the office doesn't really want me back. Fine by me. Depending on the situation I'll either quit and pick up a temp job to get some unemployment money, apply for a special stature of artist-freelancer or maybe start my own business. In any case, financially and in terms of life goals and my relationship, things are going like a racetrack. Fast and scary, but making it with leaps and bounds. My girl is a rock and a lifesaver. With a dual income household, we can manage more cool shit. But we have to move in together first. We might be better off in the long run because we'll be able to split the costs on almost everything (including my biggest costs: my insurance and my car). But we'll have to bite the bullet for a year first. Since both of us will have to pay a fine for breaking our renting contracts and moving away. I'm hoping to sway my landlord in some way and I still have a few tricks up my sleeve to sweeten the deal. My personal computer is still broken. I can do a lot with my phone and with my girl's computer, thank god. But not everything was backed up and my girl's pc is very slow. I need some power to do what I do. I might get a new one but since there's so many things going on at the same time, I'm just not sure if I can afford something like that. The relationship is going great. We both take things seriously, communicate well and listen to each other. We do tend to get stressed out, though. I allow myself to get absorbed into the 1000 projects and social media messages. She puts a lot of pressure on herself and needs a bit more of a backbone at work, she keeps underestimating herself and stressing out. But nobody is without flaws and it does seem to be a disease that a lot of millenials carry around. I've broken my record of being porn-free for 45 days. We're at 50 now! Games aren't really an issue. I sometimes miss it a little bit because it was a handy way to let off some steam. I'll be happy to return to Krav Maga soon. But my shoulder needs to heal first. I broke down a while back when I was totally bedridden and played a few mobile games. I took it seriously, though and confessed to my girl. I secretly kept playing them a few days longer. But after I healed, I returned to my busy and healthier lifestyle. Quitting porn was a good move. But I can often still feel my brain nagging me for a fix. It's véry difficult to resist. If anybody has a good NSFW-image blocker for my phone, I'd appreciate it. Right now, I'm trying to focus on getting my life into the next gear so an image or two every so often, is something I'm allowing. For now. I've learned that I should not be lenient towards little things like that. But I've also learned that you can't push yourself too hard because kicking a habit can be taxing in many ways. And I'm at a critical time in my life and I don't want to amp up the pressure. Recent highlight: My girl and I participated in an academic study that looked for couples who could resolve conflicts. It turned out that it was véry difficult for us two to find something to fight about. We seem to be very kind and understanding towards each other. Budget status: The freelancing is rather lucrative nowadays. It's good month and I hope to keep up the streak. Unfortunately, my budget file is on my busted computer. So once again, I can't continue. But using my 50 bucks per week rule, is really yielding results. My one goal for the next 24h: Do my gig well tonight and be as productive tomorrow as I am being today.
  22. Holy shit. For somebody who relapsed, you still accomplish a lot of crazy shit! 😮 And yes, you CAN get over the addiction. But it's kind of like losing a loved one. I once read a great metaphor for losing a partner or close loved one and it reminds me of overcoming addiction. You see, it's like getting shipwrecked. In the beginning, you're safe and sound on a big, nice, comfortable boat. But suddenly the storm sets in, the waves turn into huge fluid mountains that come crashing down and suddenly, the nice ship is torn in two, the pieces get torn asunder, dragged to the bottom of the ocean and every shred of what used to be a semblance of your life is turned to splinters. And there you are, in the middle of it. In the icy, cold, dark night, trying to stay afloat, clinging onto a piece of driftwood, trying not to go under. And it takes time. You have to hang on. The waves will come crashing into you systematically, over and over again. The storm doesn't let up soon. But you have to keep fighting. Maybe you'll let go and get swept away. Hopefully you find another piece of driftwood, maybe a bigger one this time, or a helping hand. And maybe this second or even if it's a third time around you learn to hang on better, and you keep fighting the waves, the darkness and the storm. And it will take a while, but after the 100th wave has hit, you notice it didn't hit as hard as the 99th one. And the 200th wave that tries to beat you off is even less. You might slip off again, you're only human and everything is wet and cold. It's still a struggle. But after wave 900 you notice that it's not so dark anymore and the water has dropped in level. After a gajillion waves, you'll be able to stand in the water, and it will still hit you, every so often. But after all that time it's only a couple of splashes on your knees or shins. You've had worse. So what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't really stop. But the way you deal with it and how strong you are and how much help you accept. That is something you have influence over.
  23. Day 42. "Down with some sickness" 13 pushups & 26 situps per day - Been sick for almost a week now. I look forward to returning to Krav Maga training. But I've been physically rather messed up too much to exercise. I've been rather sick since the middle of last week. It's still not cleared up fully, but at least there's no more fever. It's slowed me down, but I've let it. Dialing it down a bit and recovering is smarter than powering my way through it. Sadly, clinging to that type of self-care is not exactly my strong suit. My computer broke down AGAIN. The next year might be a bit erratic in terms of money. So if I do end up actually needing a new one, I hope I'll actually be able to afford one. My girlfriend and I are doing great. Living together is going well and we're looking into making things a bit more permanent. The main issue here would be that we both already have signed a contract, since we're both renting our places. I've lived here for a little over a year and she's only been in hers since March 2019. We've agreed that we need a new apartment that both of us feel good in and if we'd do things like that, it wouldn't feel like one of us is giving up their space for the other. I've been there. Moving to a new place that we've both picked and like together is a better move. But so that means we have to pay a pretty big fine. Mine is about 1500 bucks, her is about 2100 bucks. That's because we're moving out before the contract ends. We both know it sucks, but it's smarter that one of us take that hit, we both pay the fine together and we'll make up for that money in a couple of month because we'll be saving money by only having to pay for 1 apartment anymore. It's a little bit vague right now what our strategy is going to be. If one of the landlords is willing to let it slide if we provide him with somebody to take over the contract, we'd be okay. So time'll tell, I guess. I'm a bit scared of what will happen on the 18th. I might get to hear that I'm free and will never have to go back to the office again. Freelancing in combination with unemployment money will cover what I need. My career is looking a bit more promising but all of it still needs lots of work. And there's been a lightbulb. My physical therapist asked me for help. He had to make a speech at his friend's wedding and asked me to coach him, for money. I was actually looking forward to that. I've now realized I should start a practice as a business owner and start teaching people the difference between talking and speaking. How to speak with conviction, how to address a group or a business meeting or a bunch of shareholders. I would love to be able to coach people. I'm looking forward to getting some form of education and some help setting things up. I might go all in on the career thing and leave the office and temping shit behind if I can somehow make this work. I'm restarting my stand-up end of the month. I'm a bit rusty and rather nervous. But I saw an opportunity and I seized it. There's good money to be made if you can be funny. I was approached by a local coffee bar owner who wanted some entertainment. I sold him on the idea of doing an open mic night, once a month. I would arrange things for him and he'd fund it. This would give me a guaranteed spot every month to practice. There's been no porn for a while now and I'm very happy about that. We're almost to 45 days, which is personal record. In a new days, I'll be setting a new milestone, yay! However, as one milestone comes, another one falls. I was so cripplingly sick, unable to sleep and losing my perception of time. I couldn't sleep, couldn't read, couldn't do anything. Purgatory. Just locked in my living room with a busted up body. Time was moving sooooooo slowly... I installed a mobile game for my phone. I played it for a few hours until my girl came home, just to kill some time. I really wanted to fast forward time so badly, I was losing my shit. I thought I had it under control, that it was a one-time thing. I'm so happy actualy games are no longer an option due to the lack of hardware. I played the day after that and today again. All of them were crappy, silly things. I just wanted to feel some kind of challenge, some kind of competition. Tactics and such. I feel bad about it. I should really try and find something to patch that hole and come up with something that stimulates that side of my brain without games. Maybe Krav Maga will help me out again soon. When I'm all healed up, I'm going to go back to exercising. Recent highlight: I'm sooooo into this new podcast, a hearplay about some kind of zombie apocalypse. 'We're alive'. It's so good. Budget status: Since the computer is busted I can't divulge details. But I made rent this month and there's more coming in soon, if all goes well. And my 50 bucks per week budgetting is going well. That reminds me I should probably put the month easily. My one goal for the next 24h: If I'm sick, lie down and chill. If not, tackle problems as I usually do and enjoy life.
  24. I guess I had a bit of an itchy trigger finger there, sorry 😛 My main thing was that it's not because there's a biological link involved, you're obliged to maintain contact. Sometimes it's healthier for a family to get some space instead of trying to hash it out.
  25. Day 35. "A new brain" 13 pushups & 26 situps per day - I didn't do these as much this weekend. So incredulously busy. I have physical therapy today, though. So I'll catch up soon enough. It was an incredibly busy weekend. First off, my lemon tart with meringue topping failed. Horribly. The crust and filling were okay. But the meringue gave me a huge issue. First off, I wanted to make sure it would be scorched/browned properly. So I shelled out some cash to get a meringue burner. But it turns out that the one I bought, was empty. No fuel. I spent 6 hours finding fuel for it. Supermarkets told me they aren't allowed to carry them anymore and that I needed a DIY-store. I went from walking, to biking around to driving around. In the end, I went to the supermarket I got the burner from to get my money back, after I had gotten another one from another store. Turns out they sell the fuel anyway. 6 hours lost. Then whilst cooking, it turned out that meringue is fucking hard to make. I ended up wasting about a dozen eggs, duct taping my drill to the whisker, bothering my neighbour, burning the sugar, filling the apartment with a horrible stench and leaving the kitchen in an apocalyptic state for my girl to come home in, only to rush the pies into the oven and leave for my now woefully underprepared D&D-session. Shitty day. The rest of the weekend was fun. I had a gig and got paid handsomely. The day after was spent with friends in the sun, with great burgers. The night was spent doing karaoke with a live band accompanying the event (AMAZING!) and Sunday with friends again in the sun, paddleboarding and bbq'ing. My voice is shot and my legs hurt like hell. But a great weekend. My libido has gone up. My brain seems to be resetting in some way. I think it's because I haven't been using that many artificial stimulants anymore. My brain seems to be recovering and I assume it's returning to a more natural and healthy state. In 10 days, I'll have broken my personal record of 45 days without games or porn. I'm not going to lie, it still itches. But I'm getting better and better at dealing with triggers. Recent highlight: The paddleboarding was so much fun. Holy shit. Everybody kept fucking around with it and I had tears from laughter. Watching people fall will never bore me. Budget status: I was on my way to doing things properly. But it seems that paying everything by cash is not the right way. I should find some kind of budgetting app to help me save more money. I'm open to suggestions! My one goal for the next 24h: See the doctor, get paperwork, and get some other stuff done, like cleaning.
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