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Phoenixking

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About Phoenixking

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  • Birthday 09/24/1990

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  1. Day 2. "Detox." I'd been feeling the detox coming up again. Games start annoying me after a certain point. They require you to put in cash or other stuff. It's just annoying. I don't like it controlling me. So I quit again. I'm talking it over with my therapist this time too. I just came back from seeing them, so I'm a bit out of it so this entry is brief. I would have liked to go running today and I should take another cold shower, but the weather sucks and my mental energy is a bit low. I have work to do tomorrow and the day after and both days will be rather draining. I think it's smar
  2. Been trying to get into the habit of taking cold showers too. But so far, I can't stand more than 10 seconds and I need a lot of mental buildup to even dare start the whole spiel. I can't even last 10 whole second without screaming! It's so cold and unpleasant. How did you start out and how did you build that up?
  3. Day -13. "Waning." I've now deleted 2/3 games I've been playing. It took quite a bit of courage to take a step back from them. I'm already starting to feel the grasp of the last one loosen. I'm not there yet, but I can feel the next off-period coming. Relief. Been cutting down the porn too. It's not really my thing anymore it seems. It's just a quick hit of brain chemicals almost. I should look up what kind exactly, then I can find an adequate replacement. I miss being able to go boxing in real life. I maintain my physique, though. 5 workouts this week, and daily cold showers. I'm going t
  4. Day -10. "Slow burn." I'm still relapsing, but I'm toning it down. Luckily, this isn't one of those all-encompassing relapses where I drop everything I'm doing and just game and watch porn. It's quite the opposite, of all the relapses yet, this is the first time I'm able to retain a modicum of productivity. I'm still a bit scared to quit again. It takes so much mental effort and because of the current lockdown, it's hard to find enough outlets to keep away from games. There's not much to de-stress with. That being said, I did delete 2/3 games I'd been playing and I'm trying to slowl
  5. Day -1. "Fighter." I was panicking, down in the dumps and thinking a thousand things at once. Later that day, I went boxing and I found my fire again to tackle all of the business and money issues. It was a controversial decision, because technically, it's not allowed. You pay cash, meet at a specific point under cover of darkness... All very hush-hush. It felt like being a part of fight club. Though dangerous in the sense I could get fined, I didn't feel unsafe. It's the same people I'd been seeing for weeks, despite the growing corona-numbers; using the same precautions, in a well-venti
  6. Day 0. "Godmotherfuckingdammit." Relapsed again. I'd felt it coming for a few days now. First porn cravings, small stuff. But the moment that levy breaks, it all falls down because I figure, hey, I relapsed anyways. Why make an effort to miss heaven by two inches, when you can just sit back and miss it by a mile. You missed it anyways, right? Might as well just go with it. It's the crazy amount of stress and with no way out, the defenses crack. The crisis has hit my sector very very hard. It's really tough making money and building a business while making ends meet. I can't ma
  7. Day 55. "Kid's off." Well, my country is shutting down again. The virus is fucking us up once again. Honestly, I just wish we had a bit more competent people in charge sometimes. My boxing got cancelled. I mailed them to ask for private tutoring. I need to watch my cash, but I also need to watch my mental health. Not to mention that I'm scared my knees'll regress. There's no fucking way I'm getting back into that wheelchair. Coaching is going well. I notice more and more that it's both an organic process where a lot of it is based on who I am as a person and what my preferred method
  8. Day 50. "The fear. The struggle." I mellowed out my planning. There's now more normal things in there. Like barber's appointments, household stuff. It looks more realistic. It's grinding my gears though, because it's making me fear that I'm going too slowly. Though normally I'd be prepping for my first workshop and my first paid D&D-stuff. It's just that they both got postponed due to the corona-restriction tightening up again. And on another bright note, some of my bills are getting paid so I have some money again now. It's just that I'm so goddamn anxious to start flying, I'm worrie
  9. Day 48. "Is this the way?" So I haven't updated this regularly. I've got some scheduling issues. I've noticed I've been stressed for a bit. I have two planners, I think that's the cause. I'm very ambitious and very demanding of myself. I made a schedule with my SO for household stuff and our pets and put it in our shared digital planner, an app. Then I have a separate Excel file on my computer that lists my planning for about a month. Building a website, writing down my coaching stuff, and so on... The thing it, neither of those take each other into account. I don't like realizing or admi
  10. I did try it. But it took quite a bit of effort to get it going. It was lovely when it worked. But the amount of time and focus it took to reboot the habit every time I lost it was too much. I figured it was useful but I didn't enjoy it enough to keep it up. I prefer the zen-like state that running or boxing gives me. Nowadays I try to manage my schedule and my expectations a bit more to prevent stress rather than relieve it. Thanks! It's such a huge load off my shoulders!
  11. Day 34. "Focus on the positive." Got some more coaching work. There was a student that really liked me and asked if he could put in a request for me to be his coach for like every class. That was so cute. It think it's my positive attitude. I notice at boxing that people now know me as the guy who's like always enthused. I kind of like that. It means I'm happy, I think. I had a long talk with my business coach about financial stress and stress in general. The big take was that I should focus a bit less on acting and castings. Sure, it's money and could solve short term stuff, but it'
  12. Day 32. "Keep your chin up." Everything's going. It's not doing well but also not doing badly. It kind of just is. I've been coaching a bit more students now, so it's nice to get some more work done. But I only get paid every three months (or monthly if the amount is over 250). I've been noticing my dad-feelings are really starting to be present. I want to have kids and a nice house and all that jazz. I want it so badly, it feels like it'd be the most important thing in my life if I'm ever able to nurture that dream. But that means making money. I want to be a successful patriarch that ca
  13. Day 28. "Fighter." Had boxing practice this morning. Damn. That coach does not fuck around. I can still feel my abs groaning. I'm really starting to get along with a few different people. I had a lot of laughs at today's practice. Work is okay-ish. I still need to make money asap. I hope some casting thing falls through... I've at least figured out what I want to put into my workshop, all I have to do is write it down now and structure it. I have about 2 days to do so. Next week will be spent on the website and more marketing. Man... It's a slog. An uphill battle. But I try to take i
  14. Holy shit, dude. @gargamel 😮 Thank you! It's a lot to take in. I'll be sure to revisit that a couple of times this week while I let it all sink in. I feel like it's going to be hard but also worth it.