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About Phoenixking

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  • Birthday 09/24/1990

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  1. Day 28. "Exile." So today I'll start my process of trying to get away from the office. Normally, I'd hand in my resignation and look for another job. I'm required by law to work a few more weeks before I officially am done at the office and I'm allowed a day or two within those weeks to go to interviews. But I'm so spent, hollowed out and stressed, I can't friggin' lift a finger on off days. So the doctor told me about resignation based on medical reasons. She's given me two weeks to take a breather and I've made an appointment within 2 weeks to see if two more weeks are in order. So in theory I have about a month to get my ducks in a row. That's one month to update my resumé and find either a good job or at least a tolerable job or part-time to pay the bills, re-up my energy levels and keep trying to get that career in public speaking or entertainment or whatever. Something fun and creative that gives me a sense of accomplishment, something that helps people grow and helps make the world a little bit of a better place, one babystep at a time. But that's not so easy. I'm trying to get into a situation where I can apply for government money while I'm without a job. But that requires your to be fired, not have resigned yourself. But if I resign because of medical reasons, and psychological stress would potentially be one of those, I'd get to resign, not have to work those extra weeks and still get the unemployment cash; that's what we're aiming for. I need to stay strong in my resolve and try to never go back to that place. I can feel my bones quiver, my stomach ache and my brain scatter and hurt when I think about it. The idea of working another day there, makes my physically sick. They're rude, harsh, closed minded and frankly a bunch of bullies and enablers. They can't help it, it's the way they're raised. But I won't stand for it and I deserve better. If they're going to treat me like crap for 2 years, I'm going all out on this. I still need to do some research on the paperwork, though. But I'm planning on getting those 2 extra weeks at home and use that time to figure out how to pull this off without financially ruining myself and also not have to go to that office anymore. Recent highlight: A friend approached me, heard about the radio program I'd be doing and volunteered her technical skills as an audio editor. Budget status: Because of all the stress, I've been postponing quite a few things. Making my budget algorythm is one of them. But that's okay. It's understandable. I need to recover first. My one goal for the next 24h: I have a gig tonight working as an entertainer for Coca-Cola tonight at a music festival. It's my first time working with the entertainment company that booked me and I'm aiming for making a lasting and positive impression. I went to interview there a couple of months back. I wasn't hired but they remembered me and want to use my skills freelance.
  2. Hahaha, it's actually a quote from Suckerpunch! ^^
  3. Update - The doctor told me it would be healthy to stay home for a while. I'm home for this week and the next. I'll try to get some sleep today and try to get my shit sorted over the next few days. Though this is lovely and I can now take a breather, suddenly the weight of the entire 'achieving your dream'-thing falls onto my shoulders and it's a bit insane. When did I get so easy to stress out?
  4. Day 27. "Couldn't go back to that place." Yesterday was my girlfriend's birthday. We had ice cream, bbq and a Marvel movie. I tried my best to keep all of my emotions about the office inside of me, didn't want to ruin the moment. I have prepared a big surprise for her this weekend so it wasn't that crazy of a day. But this Sunday I will get all of her friends together and go to an animal park. She loves those. Anyway, I had a productive day, in a weird sense. I have been postponing updating the resume and actually taking steps in improving the career situation. I notice that right now, I work part-time. And whereas normally I would use the off days to further my career and do my creative work, I now have to use these to recover from being at the office. Torment. So not a lot of progress... I really need to escape the office. Last night I dreaded going back to it so much, I couldn't sleep. This morning, I had a headache and major stomach cramps. I called in sick, blamed it on bad bbq food. But I know it's stress and psychological stuff. Psychosomatic symptoms they call those, I believe. I'm seeing a doctor tonight. I secretly hope he'll just put me on sick leave for a long time, like for a burnout. I feel like if I quit right now, I'd still fucking die or something because I'd still have to work there for 4 more weeks and then I'd be nowhere. I need time to both recover from all of this bullshit and also to set the next step right. I'm thinking of starting a business of my own, as a presentation teacher. Teaching and coaching people to become a good public speaker, how to give presentations, how to dress, ... But you need money for that. So I need another part-time job like the one I'm doing right now. Only a good one that won't bore or burn me out. Every tiny task, like updating my resumé, feels like lifting a giant boulder because I feel so emptied out. Recent highlight: Girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night and noticed me scrolling my phone, had a good conversation about how I felt, despite it being 2 am. Bless her. Budget status: FINALLY GOT MY COMPUTER BACK. HOLY SHIT. Time to make an actual proper schedule, limit my spendings and try to maximize my income! My one goal for the next 24h: Get the doctor to put me on sick leave for as long as fucking possible, if not, try to find ways to cope. Update the resumé, get intel on my options and try to attack this situation like one of those giants from 'Attack on Titan'.
  5. Day 26. "Weekend off." I stepped away from the leaderboard of the Duolingo app. The progress I make in Japanese with the app and the feeling of accomplishment it gives me is unreal. But the leaderboard is bad juju. I realize that now and will now ignore it. If I can't and it's giving me true trouble, I'll delete the app and find another way to learn Japanese. It's not worth the risk and stress. I spent the entire weekend at my girlfriend's parent's. Super nice people. I got a little drunk here and there, so it showed a few sides of me they hadn't seen yet. I spent 72 hours together with the girlfriend so she's seen me annoyed, hangry, ... for the first time. Everything went well, though, no worries! It just confirmed that I'm human and that I don't pretend to be somebody else I'm not anymore. It was lovely, all of it. The nature, we went kayaking, played minigolf, ate soooo much food. We've been talking about living together and our future. We both agree that living together is going to be amazing, fun and will solve a lot of practical and logistic problems. We both feel like it'd be a good move for us. But it will also show the other every little dirty side of our personality. It will be naked. Suddenly you pick up on how addicted I am to my morning coffee, or how she never ever stops talking. How she's not really a big go-getter and I see 1.000.000 goals and I want to get all of them. Despite it all, I strongly feel like this is a healthy and communicative relationship. We talk about things, are open, happy and loving. We care a lot for each other and it shows. We're both very popular with each other's friends and families. The entire world could collapse around me, but seeing her face would still make me smile. And I needed that. Her, the smile, the entire weekend, I sorely needed it. I got so angry, stressed and frustrated at work, I almost went into a superior's office to scream that I quit. I need to get out of that place asap. Screw the money and stability, it's not worth my mental health and sanity. There's a million crappy jobs nearby. I'll just temp or something, holy shit. I think it's because my way of looking at life has changed so much recently. I am way more confident and know what I want more nowadays. I got so close to that amazing mindfuck of a job recently, that my current situation is no longer good enough for me. I deserve more and better. I'm not doing myself any favors by staying here. There's no promotion, certificate or anything else that I could put on my resumé waiting for me. I've gotten everything out of it that I could. I'm going to update my CV today and look at what the options are. I just hope that that moment of screaming that I quit will not happen this week. I used to not care about the job. Now I'm starting to find myself hating it. I always knew it was a bad place for me. I just chalked it up to being a nescessary evil and turned off my emotions. But I'm human and have limits. They finally started getting under my skin, and that's where I draw the line and leave. Recent highlight: We kayaked in the middle of nature, a bit of a breeze, the shining sun, rustling leaves, chirping birds, ... Pure bliss and peace. Budget status: I'm really starting to feel how important my pc is. The computing power of this replacement one my gf is lending me is bullshit. I feel way less productive with this temporary setup. I'll be looking for a new job or making one of my own (thinking about entrepreneurship). I really need my computer back for stuff like that. My one goal for the next 24h: Try not to lose my shit at work tomorrow.
  6. Thanks man, you too @fawn_xoxo. I put the app a bit to rest, at least the leaderboard aspect of it. I can now order food, explain what I eat or don't eat, tell time and use a bit more complex phrases like explaining you don't want to go to work or telling somebody at what hour you usually eat. I can read hiragana, katakana and some kanji. The progress is insane. I have now just set the app to give me a little ping to remind me to take my daily dose of Japanese, just a few minutes, like 15 a day. I'm going to put the leaderboard in the 'stuff to avoid' column. I talked to my girlfriend, she's a Master in Psychology, and she too thinks it's bad for me and reminiscent of the addictive behaviour. I agreed to put the app down for a day or two, let the winning streak die and just focus on learning the language. That is a reward in itself. I am starting to be able to listen to full fluidly pronounced sentences and understand what they mean. It won't be very long before I start watching anime and japanese tv, movies or series and at a certain point in the future, i'll try turning the subtitles off :) I'll keep using the app, learning more words and phrases, and will ignore the leaderboard functionality. Thank you two for helping me put some worries to rest. I was indeed stressing out a bit too much over it but I realize it comes from a place of taking care of myself and being vigilant. That's a pretty positive thing.
  7. Day 21. "Everything is an addiction." I'm hooked on this app called 'Duolingo'. I always wanted to learn Japanese. It gives me a daily 10 minute dose of Japanese and I've been progressing rather fast. I pick stuff like this up very quickly. It's how I'm able to impersonate accents and other people's voices. There's just this quirk in my brain. Seeing as I relapsed 3 weeks ago, I figured I'd hack my brain and it's reward system! It would be as some kind of controlled replacement drug and it'd teach me Japanese. Now, there's also this leaderboard and it's woken up my competitive streak. I don't care about the ingame money. I care about learning new words and getting that sweet number 1 spot. I was doing this for a week or two when I noticed that to keep up the pace with the others on the leaderboard, I had to spend several hours on the app... I have been number one on the bronze, silver, gold and now saphire leagues. I make efforts to maintain it all. And suddenly I realized it's very similar to my time as a gamer. The addiction to increase that highscore, the rush of beating somebody else... I'm on the fence. How serious should I take this behaviour of mine? I feel progress in Japanese, major progress even! But I'm scared this is, just like porn was, another way to keep the addiction online. I even used to have a sextoy in the house and I threw that away because it scared me how often I would use it. I feel like I'm this junkie who, if I can't use video games or porn, would find just about ànything to satify the needs of my badly wired brain. I'm happy I threw the sextoy away. But a part of me thinks it's an overreaction. Isn't literally everybody in life addicted to feeling good in some way? Some use performing comedy or food as a way to get that rewards mechanism going, others use gaming. I quit gaming because I felt like it was hurting my life's potential and my career. But after that I quit porn because it used the same artificial ways that games or some app would use to 'force' happy-hormones out of your brain. For the first time in so many years of this, I'm actually scared. Is this just who I am? Is this how humans are? Am I overthinking this so much that I ruin things I could enjoy if I were to just worry less about them? Recent highlight: The podcast session last night was a true knockout. I look very forward to the reactions. Budget status: I try to postpone every purchase I have to do. When I get my computer back, hopefully this week, I'll try to work out a system to see how much I can afford on what. That should help and will also make me feel a bit more in control. My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the date and the movie with my lovely girlfriend. And do my best to have a good dnd session tomorrow evening.
  8. Day 19. "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." I"ve been thinking of my projects. The vlogs, comedy, photography and my other million ideas. I'm starting to come down from my sadness and returning to normal. I have a summer to write a comedy set, an episode of my potential new radio show, and so on... I have a lot of work cut out for me. Which is cool. But sadly it's all a long term investment instead of an immediate payout. I could really use the money right now. I probably will have to skip out on some cool summer festivals, parties, ... I went out all weekend and spent over 100 bucks on food and drinks. In that sense my girl is a horrible influence. She's very living la vida loca. Lots of FOMO. I'm lucky I'm a bit more chill at at peace. I can spend a week just staying at home and working on my projects and that will fulfill me. If I have a week with nothing in my calendar, I have faith that it will not go to waste. I used to spend all that time playing games. Now I do actually useful stuff that make me feel good about myself. I am social, though. But I'm more the guy that get asked to go out. I'm not the guy that asks to come. I'm a dude who agrees to come. But she's different. She has all these places she wants to go, people she wants to meet. And though I'm up for it because I like having fun and am open and adventurous. I also notice I spend lots of money by accident because I'm impulsive and a type that enjoys life a lot. I splurge easily. It's always been easier for me to not go out instead of grow enough discipline to actually contain those impulses. I'm trying to be more mindful of this and try to push her away a little bit more. She can be a little bit clingy. And though that's okay, I need to be aware of that and set and respect my own boundaries. My computer is still busted but should return in a few days. It's been a big setback. My whole world is on there. It's like a room of my apartment has been taken out, suddenly. I can live without it obviously, but everyhing was set right where I wanted it to be. I had my screentime limiting apps, I had everything I needed where I needed it. It's annoying to not have it. I feel like I'm less productive, less in the zone. I spent the day with family yesterday. We had a huge talk about my aunt dying. It was incredibly cathartic. Mourning is a very personal and complicated experience. Recent highlight: Seeing and meeting a local band I'm a big fan of and getting a picture with them. Also my podcast got mentioned as the number one thing to listen to in an article of a student magazine of a big city. Mind=blown. Budget status: Eh. Ouch. As soon as I get my PC back, I'm starting a money plan. I've been keeping track of my budget for half a year now. I can turn all that info into an algorythm, a system and use that to figure out how much I have to save, how much I can spend and what my monthly minimum wage would have to be from freelancing to remain healthy. But I need my computer back. My one goal for the next 24h: Have a productive day today and try not to let my spirit get broken at work tomorrow.
  9. Hahaha, I love this line XD Thanks, man. Lots of people around me, both professionals and just random friends, keep saying the same thing. You have gotten so many noes at points where you could have had your big break. That means there's been so many moments you could have had a big break. That means there will easily be more of those moments. So all you gotta do is keep it up and be lucky. Or something like that.
  10. There's a couple of chapters that really awoke something inside of me. Basically caring less about other people's opinions and catering less to their needs automatically, being less of a people pleaser, caring more about yourself and communicating with yourself better about what you want to do, and why. It's helped me to better tune into what's important to me and where I waste energy. Like if you're a battery, the book helps identify what make you run dry and why that is and also how to recharge and why and how that works.
  11. Have you ever read that book 'The subtle art of not giving a fuck'? Or just the author's website is worth spending a few minutes on.
  12. Thanks. It does. But I can still feel it scratching at the back of my skull, though. It seems like I'm no longer actively looking or longing for a fix, not even when stressed. But it's now deceptively dormant. As if it's lying in wait, patiently eyeballing me for it's next opportunity to pounce. It sometimes makes me lower my guard.
  13. Day 17. "When one door closes ... you flail through the window you try to open yourself." I didn't get the job. I was so close, I could taste it. I was one of the best candidates and they liked my for my leadership qualities and growth mindset. But I got one-upped by a dude with actual directing experience. I can't argue with that. So I've allowed myself a day of mourning or two. It's been a day or two and I'm still a bit raw. I was so ready for it. It was finally going to be my big break. I've been close to awesome shit before... Auditions, tv shows, amazing opportunities that could have opened up the field for my career. And time after time, I came in second place. Too young, too old, inexperienced, experienced but in the wrong field, ... After a while, it get very depressing. So that sucks. I also flew too close to the sun, I feel. My office job is no longer enough for me. It's a good way to pay the bills. But I feel that I've gotten everything out if it that I can. I'm not doing myself any favors staying there. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the next few months. But I'm setting myself a deadline. I get to pick up my big end-of-year bonus. After that, I HAVE to quit for my own mental health's sake. If I find something cool to pay the bills in the meantime, that's cool too. The directing job had a cool company attached to it. Modern means of communicating and organising. Open and flexible. Lots of millenials and very progressive mindset. My kind of place. I got a taste of what I could be. So the office is no longer enough. I'll probably be a little loco for a few days or weeks because of this fallout. I was so focussed on the job that lots of other things got pushed aside. My broken and now also stolen bike (good luck repairing it, asshole thief!), my busted computer, the money issues, ... I now also get to focus on all of the projects I have. The radio show is going to be expecting results soon, I have class in the fall that I have to teach, ... I even got a call from a buddy of mine who's in the same league as I am. He's at home with his parents and has no girl like mine. So less bills to pay but also a different sense of support. I get a lot out of my relationship and he's not there yet. Not that I'm comparing us... Okay, I am. He's ahead of me. Connected to some tv people and he does crowd warmup gigs, some music thingies for radio an events. He asked me if I wanted to get back into comedy again. The rage and frustration the office gives me could provide me with good fuel. Since it's only in the fall I have a few months to try out my material at open mics. And then there's the vlogging idea and the screenplays. A friend has sent over some screenplays and wants to see what his options are. Some of them are written with me as a lead in mind. I have yet to see if it's worth anything. But I can imagine that if there's something good in it, we might want to send a few messages to a couple of producers. And last night I got recognized by a fan. I was at a music festival and some random dude addressed me. He had been a fan of mine 10 years ago when I still made vlogs. I can't believe it's that long ago. It gave me the tickle to maybe start doing them again. It's fun and a cool medium to tell my story. I was thinking of a blog, but maybe a vlog is better? I still have to work out the logistics and if it's a good idea or not... And obviously because the job fell through, I'm now suddenly looking to invent the next sliced bread because of compensating and mourning. I know, don't tell me. Recent highlight: Getting recognized by a fan was pretty cool. My girl taking my sorry ass to dinner, having cocktails and loving me up was pretty great. That girl is golden. So supportive... Budget status: Eh. The pc needs to be repaired, car needs to be maintained and I'm sure some bill are right around the corner. Thank god for my steady job, but I might have to dial down my activities this summer... My one goal for the next 24h: Be mindful of my busted foot (hurt it last night while dancing) and have a good time at the music festival and see one of my favourite local bands!
  14. Yeah, we talked about. We basically talk about everything. And writing it down in this journal helps structure thoughts and feelings. We had a talk about personal space and being clingy too. She's cool with it. But it's up to me to set that boundary, I can't expect her to be telepathic and just 'sense' whenever she needs to back off a bit. And I bought a fan to deal with the heat. And though she despised it, she's agreed to put up some fly catchers, you know, those sticky types? She hates them because she once got caught in one of those. So all in all, we're good.
  15. Day 12. "Bugs & Fatigue" I had a rough week. My part-time job at the office had somebody take a vacation, so I had to work full-time to cover them. I'm very much not used to that anymore. I have so many projects and stuff I entrepreneur that really had to take a step back and take care of myself and realize that health, mental and physical, took priority. After the full office week, I had a Fridaynight and a full saturday of acting. On Sunday I had a choir gig I had to host and another taping of our podcast. 7 very busy days. Today is the first day I have to myself. I tried giving my sleep and food schedule enough attention. I noticed in all of this that having a girlfriend is not always perfect. I wanted to sit and chill and watch Jessica Jones and sip scotch. She was making chili and I just wanted to sit down and turn my brain off for a while. She kept asking stuff and bugging me. Not really bugging me but just small stuff. I had trouble actively shutting her out because I didn't want to be an asshole. She's stepped into my personal time before and I have communicated my boundaries before; it's not like this is a big issue. It's just something I should keep in mind if we'd move in together: I need a personal space to shut the world out a bit. And she is somebody that requires lots of stimuli, talks, attention and confirmation. I'm her go-to guy for lots of things and vice versa. I'm happy I have a day to myself today, though. It's clear I needed it. We talked about it and agreed that personal space is an important factor if we'd be living together. I'm also just tired and cranky. We had a long conversation about bugs in her place. She's àlways working and she has trouble arranging the small stuff. A clean kitchen, screens to put over her windows, air circulation in her bathroom... These are all things I would fix asap. I hate bugs with a passion. But she's been to Africa, Peru, ... She's been in bug-infested hotels and slept on the floor with rats and stuff. She's got a higher tolerance for all those things and she fall asleep in a matter of minutes so she doesn't notice any pesky mosquitos. I am not that person, however. I try to kill all the bugs in the bedroom by hand, I activate an electric bug poison spreading thingy, I close the bedroom window because she has no screens, ... But then she leaves the light on in the bedroom, door open and window open and the place is crawling again... It's just a few bugs or mosquitos, not the end of the world. But it turned into a long conversation about how she feels like she's failing to manage her life and how it always seems that I have my ducks more in a row than she does. My place is cleaner, has no issues like hers and she's ashamed of it because her appartment is the first time she's been fully on her own. It's not her fault because her parents raised her with less self reliance than mine did. And I HAD to figure out all those things because I was all alone and nobody was helping me. It's all a bit of a gray area. Safe to say that we communicate well and make efforts for each other and we are still totally doing fine. But sometimes shit just ain't easy. If you're tired, stressed and it's hot, if there's bugs and you don't have time to unwind, ... I just hope she doesn't burn out or something. She's always running around the place like a crazed FOMO-lunatic. I think she might be running away from certain issues like I used to. I used games and porn to compensate for so many things. I'm now about 2 weeks clean of porn and almost 3 years clean of games. I've only found a bit more peace inside of me since a few months. And even that can still be a struggle sometimes. But it's totally there and that's a major step forwards. I saw the CEO of the company I'm hoping to be a director at. Normally I was going to get a call from him tomorrow. But he asked if I would be willing to make a 2 hour drive to see him in person. I agreed because I'm a pleaser. Afterwards I realized that this was him getting a finger and asking for a hand. I felt like I should reconsider, call him and say no. I wanted to respect myself and stand up to him in a way. But I decided not to. I'm aware and strong enough to set proper boundaries. I'm not scared of working for him. But I think it's a smarter move, if he really is how I think he is, to just play along for now until I get my contract signed. I'm seeing him in 2 days. I hope I'll get a call by the end of the week. Let's hope that all of this effort won't be for nothing... If worse comes to worst, I still have enough cool projects coming up. Teaching improv, teaching acting and I've been allowed to make a local radio show. Recent highlight: The choir gig was so much fun. And the DND-podcast session Sunday was a rollercoaster of emotions. I look forward to the fan's reactions! Budget status: Right now, I'm coasting by. Being careful is always a smart thing to do. I'll get my bigger paycheck this week, normally. But the computer is still KO so no budget file. It's starting to piss me off. It's been in repair pretty long now... Also, hail ruined my car windows. I might need to get them replaced and I don't know if insurance will cover it because I've been slacking off with the paperwork. I have a yearly government mandatory check-up soon, so fuck me, right? My one goal for the next 24h: See the job coach today, see my neighbour tomorrow for afterwork drinks with her girlfriend and have a great improv rehearsal tomorrow night.
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