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About Phoenixking

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  1. These things take time, bud. I'm still dealing with issues from about 15 years ago. Childhood is a period of your life that can truly have a huge impact and big things don't get solved in just 1 day. It takes time to create perspective and to let things go. I'd say you're already doing a great job realizing that you're a bit repressed. I'm kind of going through the same thing in therapy right now. Emotions can be scary and the process of learning how to deal with them is complicated. Like learning how to ride a bike to a baby. First they need to be able to crawl, then walk and not fall down an
  2. I sometimes still think about you man. I am so sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart. I hope you can find a bit of peace and a bit of a new life in Saitama.
  3. Day 0. "Triggers." I think it's about stress. My therapist asked me to try and figure out what the circumstances were just before every relapse. More often than not, it's stress related. A build-up of pressure surrounding work stuff, stuff about my physical health, ... Much of it is either related to my mental state of being and how good or bad I feel and the rest of it is linked to being so demanding of myself. I mean, sometimes it's not my fault. This covid19-lockdown is not my fault, but still pretty taxing mentally. Same goes for when my knees hurt, or days when I'm coaching diff
  4. Waw. Thanks! That's a great tip!
  5. Day 2. "Detox." I'd been feeling the detox coming up again. Games start annoying me after a certain point. They require you to put in cash or other stuff. It's just annoying. I don't like it controlling me. So I quit again. I'm talking it over with my therapist this time too. I just came back from seeing them, so I'm a bit out of it so this entry is brief. I would have liked to go running today and I should take another cold shower, but the weather sucks and my mental energy is a bit low. I have work to do tomorrow and the day after and both days will be rather draining. I think it's smar
  6. Been trying to get into the habit of taking cold showers too. But so far, I can't stand more than 10 seconds and I need a lot of mental buildup to even dare start the whole spiel. I can't even last 10 whole second without screaming! It's so cold and unpleasant. How did you start out and how did you build that up?
  7. Day -13. "Waning." I've now deleted 2/3 games I've been playing. It took quite a bit of courage to take a step back from them. I'm already starting to feel the grasp of the last one loosen. I'm not there yet, but I can feel the next off-period coming. Relief. Been cutting down the porn too. It's not really my thing anymore it seems. It's just a quick hit of brain chemicals almost. I should look up what kind exactly, then I can find an adequate replacement. I miss being able to go boxing in real life. I maintain my physique, though. 5 workouts this week, and daily cold showers. I'm going t
  8. Day -10. "Slow burn." I'm still relapsing, but I'm toning it down. Luckily, this isn't one of those all-encompassing relapses where I drop everything I'm doing and just game and watch porn. It's quite the opposite, of all the relapses yet, this is the first time I'm able to retain a modicum of productivity. I'm still a bit scared to quit again. It takes so much mental effort and because of the current lockdown, it's hard to find enough outlets to keep away from games. There's not much to de-stress with. That being said, I did delete 2/3 games I'd been playing and I'm trying to slowl
  9. Day -1. "Fighter." I was panicking, down in the dumps and thinking a thousand things at once. Later that day, I went boxing and I found my fire again to tackle all of the business and money issues. It was a controversial decision, because technically, it's not allowed. You pay cash, meet at a specific point under cover of darkness... All very hush-hush. It felt like being a part of fight club. Though dangerous in the sense I could get fined, I didn't feel unsafe. It's the same people I'd been seeing for weeks, despite the growing corona-numbers; using the same precautions, in a well-venti
  10. Day 0. "Godmotherfuckingdammit." Relapsed again. I'd felt it coming for a few days now. First porn cravings, small stuff. But the moment that levy breaks, it all falls down because I figure, hey, I relapsed anyways. Why make an effort to miss heaven by two inches, when you can just sit back and miss it by a mile. You missed it anyways, right? Might as well just go with it. It's the crazy amount of stress and with no way out, the defenses crack. The crisis has hit my sector very very hard. It's really tough making money and building a business while making ends meet. I can't ma
  11. Day 55. "Kid's off." Well, my country is shutting down again. The virus is fucking us up once again. Honestly, I just wish we had a bit more competent people in charge sometimes. My boxing got cancelled. I mailed them to ask for private tutoring. I need to watch my cash, but I also need to watch my mental health. Not to mention that I'm scared my knees'll regress. There's no fucking way I'm getting back into that wheelchair. Coaching is going well. I notice more and more that it's both an organic process where a lot of it is based on who I am as a person and what my preferred method
  12. Day 50. "The fear. The struggle." I mellowed out my planning. There's now more normal things in there. Like barber's appointments, household stuff. It looks more realistic. It's grinding my gears though, because it's making me fear that I'm going too slowly. Though normally I'd be prepping for my first workshop and my first paid D&D-stuff. It's just that they both got postponed due to the corona-restriction tightening up again. And on another bright note, some of my bills are getting paid so I have some money again now. It's just that I'm so goddamn anxious to start flying, I'm worrie
  13. Day 48. "Is this the way?" So I haven't updated this regularly. I've got some scheduling issues. I've noticed I've been stressed for a bit. I have two planners, I think that's the cause. I'm very ambitious and very demanding of myself. I made a schedule with my SO for household stuff and our pets and put it in our shared digital planner, an app. Then I have a separate Excel file on my computer that lists my planning for about a month. Building a website, writing down my coaching stuff, and so on... The thing it, neither of those take each other into account. I don't like realizing or admi
  14. I did try it. But it took quite a bit of effort to get it going. It was lovely when it worked. But the amount of time and focus it took to reboot the habit every time I lost it was too much. I figured it was useful but I didn't enjoy it enough to keep it up. I prefer the zen-like state that running or boxing gives me. Nowadays I try to manage my schedule and my expectations a bit more to prevent stress rather than relieve it. Thanks! It's such a huge load off my shoulders!