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Phoenixking

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  1. These things take time, bud. I'm still dealing with issues from about 15 years ago. Childhood is a period of your life that can truly have a huge impact and big things don't get solved in just 1 day. It takes time to create perspective and to let things go. I'd say you're already doing a great job realizing that you're a bit repressed. I'm kind of going through the same thing in therapy right now. Emotions can be scary and the process of learning how to deal with them is complicated. Like learning how to ride a bike to a baby. First they need to be able to crawl, then walk and not fall down and then after they can run, you can start thinking about learning to ride a bike.
  2. I sometimes still think about you man. I am so sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart. I hope you can find a bit of peace and a bit of a new life in Saitama.
  3. Day 0. "Triggers." I think it's about stress. My therapist asked me to try and figure out what the circumstances were just before every relapse. More often than not, it's stress related. A build-up of pressure surrounding work stuff, stuff about my physical health, ... Much of it is either related to my mental state of being and how good or bad I feel and the rest of it is linked to being so demanding of myself. I mean, sometimes it's not my fault. This covid19-lockdown is not my fault, but still pretty taxing mentally. Same goes for when my knees hurt, or days when I'm coaching difficult kids or just when life in general is crazy. There's like a million things to do as a start-up business owner. I sometimes wonder if it's just me. Like, is my energy level lower than the average human or just higher? If it's higher, then yay but also it's crazy how demanding I am and how hard life is. I'd understand way more that there's so many people around us who are circling the drain or are drowning. I haven't turned to games in about two weeks or something, I think. But porn is a switch that's hard to turn off. I can only play games on my phone because my pc is weak and because that habit has been properly broken off. But porn is hard to switch off. It's easier to reach than games and a bit harder to dodge. On the bright side, my income is slowly reaching a break-even point. I have enough coaching stuff going on and a gig now and then to cover my rent and expenses for food. I just need a bit more to cover basic bills to be able to reach a proper status quo. I still want even more to make sure I can start saving, obviously. But I still have about a year to make sure that it grows quickly enough. I'm still nervous about it though. Budget status: I'm happy I made the rent this month. I think next month I should be fine if I keep this up. I'm crawling upwards while expanding my business! What did I read today: We ended up fighting throughout the most part of the day so this kind of fell down the well. Anonymity editing of my diary: 15/32 Maintained habits: -Prep food - Ordering in today. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Not done. -Drink enough water - Started on the first bottle, but have been missing a few cups the last few days. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Not done.
  4. Waw. Thanks! That's a great tip!
  5. Day 2. "Detox." I'd been feeling the detox coming up again. Games start annoying me after a certain point. They require you to put in cash or other stuff. It's just annoying. I don't like it controlling me. So I quit again. I'm talking it over with my therapist this time too. I just came back from seeing them, so I'm a bit out of it so this entry is brief. I would have liked to go running today and I should take another cold shower, but the weather sucks and my mental energy is a bit low. I have work to do tomorrow and the day after and both days will be rather draining. I think it's smarter for me to choose wisely how I spend my hours. Budget status: Slowly working on becoming financially healthy again. What did I read today: A bit about hats. Anonymity editing of my diary: 15/32 Maintained habits: -Prep food - SO is cooking today. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Done. -Drink enough water - Properly on track today. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Brushed it properly this morning, and I'll do the rest later today. This is truly a proper habit nowadays.
  6. Been trying to get into the habit of taking cold showers too. But so far, I can't stand more than 10 seconds and I need a lot of mental buildup to even dare start the whole spiel. I can't even last 10 whole second without screaming! It's so cold and unpleasant. How did you start out and how did you build that up?
  7. Day -13. "Waning." I've now deleted 2/3 games I've been playing. It took quite a bit of courage to take a step back from them. I'm already starting to feel the grasp of the last one loosen. I'm not there yet, but I can feel the next off-period coming. Relief. Been cutting down the porn too. It's not really my thing anymore it seems. It's just a quick hit of brain chemicals almost. I should look up what kind exactly, then I can find an adequate replacement. I miss being able to go boxing in real life. I maintain my physique, though. 5 workouts this week, and daily cold showers. I'm going to try to get to 15 seconds instead of just 10, but damn is that hard. Holy shit. I've been getting a lot of coaching and therapy. And been giving a lot of coaching, doing emotional stuff with my SO since we've been cooped up in here for about 8 months now. There's stuff about my dad and my sister too; about my insecurities, mental traps I fall into, ... The list of shit to deal with and manage is long. So I'm rather proud of myself for trying my best to push myself and get to my goals, but also realize that my reigns are pulled pretty taut and I shouldn't break my own mold. I read somewhere in the last few weeks that I should not compare myself to other, but only to my past self. I already knew that. But it seems like this time I've taken it to heart properly and I've become a bit more proud of my progress. But it still a struggle sometimes. Budget status: I'm trying my best to limit my spending; household budget is on track, though. What did I read today: Finished jackets, onto hats now. Anonymity editing of my diary: 14/32 Maintained habits: -Prep food - Making naan pizza tonight with some goat cheese and veggies. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Done -Drink enough water - First bottle down and I have boxing tonight, so I'm sure we'll be fine. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done.
  8. Day -10. "Slow burn." I'm still relapsing, but I'm toning it down. Luckily, this isn't one of those all-encompassing relapses where I drop everything I'm doing and just game and watch porn. It's quite the opposite, of all the relapses yet, this is the first time I'm able to retain a modicum of productivity. I'm still a bit scared to quit again. It takes so much mental effort and because of the current lockdown, it's hard to find enough outlets to keep away from games. There's not much to de-stress with. That being said, I did delete 2/3 games I'd been playing and I'm trying to slowly get rid of it all and be clean again. I've been having a lot of coaching, therapy and a lot of mental stuff I'm dealing with. This both complicates things because my amount of energy is limited and brings along with it a certain amount of stress. But on the other hand it does feel like we're dredging some gunk out to make sure next week or the week after that allows for clearer waters. Financially, I'm finally starting to see how I started my business with money issues and digging a hole. I had to invest in certain things. Now I'm starting to see some returns, slowly but surely. It's nice to finally realize that I don't have to work like a maniac to get some returns. I guess it's more of a steady, but slow burn. I won't get rich fast, but it's starting to look like consistent effort will yield merits. All I got to do, it seems, is just not give up. Budget status: I was hoping for some takeout one of these days, but I feel like we'd better not. It's nice to get some income for a change, though! What did I read today: Almost done with coats, almost onto hats and accessoires. Anonymity editing of my diary: 13/32 - Nearing the halfway point! Maintained habits: -Prep food - We usually schedule when we do this, but this time we let it go. I do notice that I seem to have to be the one to pioneer this every time. I'll mention to her that I'd like to ask for her help in keeping an eye on this as it helps us out magnificently. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - -Drink enough water - Argh, I broke my streak for a few days. Circumstances like forgetting my bottle, or really stressed days where I just get absorbed by the task at hand caused it. I'm trying to get back up on the horse. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it yesterday and last night. A good solid habit of mine with little to no worries nowadays.
  9. Day -1. "Fighter." I was panicking, down in the dumps and thinking a thousand things at once. Later that day, I went boxing and I found my fire again to tackle all of the business and money issues. It was a controversial decision, because technically, it's not allowed. You pay cash, meet at a specific point under cover of darkness... All very hush-hush. It felt like being a part of fight club. Though dangerous in the sense I could get fined, I didn't feel unsafe. It's the same people I'd been seeing for weeks, despite the growing corona-numbers; using the same precautions, in a well-ventilated huge space. There were only a few people there and their level was higher than mine. So I basically got an advanced training. Not very easy, hahaha. I got my first bruise from taking a boxing glove to the ribs a few too many times while blocking it shabbily. I'm oddly proud of it. It was choosing between Scylla and Charybdis. Either waste away and keep panicking, or go do something I shouldn't to find my animus back. I took the latter. Both were kind of bad choices, but you work with what you've got. I've requested more financial aid and coaching, got two more education courses coming up and I stepped up my game. Wrote on my workshop yesterday, got some coaching and paperwork today and one of my bills got paid so I can now try to pay some of my own bill with that money. I'm still relapsed though. It try not to game too often or too overtly. I'm still ashamed of it whenever my SO is nearby. But it's not debilitating (yet). Budget status: Trying to save what I can. What did I read today: A bit about overcoats. Anonymity editing of my diary: 12/32 Maintained habits: -Prep food - I'm cooking tonight, we got another Hello Fresh-box coming in. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Done. -Drink enough water - First bottle down. I'm doing really well nowadays, just sad that I broke my streak yesterday by a hair. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Doing this often enough to slowly start to think this might be removed from this diary as well.
  10. Day 0. "Godmotherfuckingdammit." Relapsed again. I'd felt it coming for a few days now. First porn cravings, small stuff. But the moment that levy breaks, it all falls down because I figure, hey, I relapsed anyways. Why make an effort to miss heaven by two inches, when you can just sit back and miss it by a mile. You missed it anyways, right? Might as well just go with it. It's the crazy amount of stress and with no way out, the defenses crack. The crisis has hit my sector very very hard. It's really tough making money and building a business while making ends meet. I can't make rent this month, my savings are gone because of my wheelchair injury before summer and the car crash we had this summer wasn't great either. My mom said she'd loan me if needed and I already contacted a government agency to see if I could get some help. I'm pretty sure December should be fine because I got some money coming in then, but it's making this month that's going to be a challenge. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I mean, mentally it's pretty tough nowadays. The country's on lockdown again. People dying, businesses collapsing, rate of suicides and depressions on the rise. Honestly, if I wasn't such a stubborn motherfucker, I'd be up there with the lot, on the couch and videogaming it all away. So today I'm trying to focus on getting done what needs to get done, despite all of the mental fortitude it's taking. I really need that cup of coffee in the morning, a bit of chocolate to get me through the day and I'm trying to see that the gaming, the porn, the whole relapse is normal. Too much stress and other factors I can't control and none of the normal outlets. I have boxing, but it's not allowed. I get to run and stuff, but it does take a bit of energy to go outside, change clothes and get my shoes. When you're feeling this hopeless, it's hard to really make an effort to dodge the craving. Although I am getting a new guitar this week, so I do look forward to trying to play songs and make a bit of music. I hope to someday be able to play a song, sing along or even better, make up my own weird and funny lyrics. Budget status: Well, I'm trying to make ends meet. But it ain't easy... What did I read today: A bit on overcoats. Anonymity editing of my diary: 11/32 Maintained habits: -Prep food - SO is cooking tonight. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - SO is in it right now. -Drink enough water - Been nailing it for a while. I got like a two week streak of drinking 2,5l a day! -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Habit is going well. Nothing exactly there to require extra focus or something.
  11. Day 55. "Kid's off." Well, my country is shutting down again. The virus is fucking us up once again. Honestly, I just wish we had a bit more competent people in charge sometimes. My boxing got cancelled. I mailed them to ask for private tutoring. I need to watch my cash, but I also need to watch my mental health. Not to mention that I'm scared my knees'll regress. There's no fucking way I'm getting back into that wheelchair. Coaching is going well. I notice more and more that it's both an organic process where a lot of it is based on who I am as a person and what my preferred method of approach is and what constitutes my values and opinions. But there's also a lot to learn and a lot of structure I still need to find and utilize. Today marks a fun day. One of my clients was seeing me to get through an exam. They should be done just about now. I hope I got him through the hurdles. I talked to my therapist about the amount of pressure I put on myself. The feeling of never being good enough. We've been having session for a while now and he noticed that I have two issues on that subject. On the one hand it's never good enough. I always see flaws, imperfect details and so on. But oddly enough, on the other hand I'm convinced that I'm special. Certain rules don't apply to me, I dare more than others, I believe to a certain degree that I'm amazing, like as if I'm the main hero of some kind of quest. Both are connected to my past. My mom was emotionally like granite and my dad was very manipulative. There was a lot of violence with my sister and it's like I learned to automatically distrust others as a baseline. It was very hard to hear all of it. I mean, he's a good psychologist. I really felt like he busted through something. It's just kind of hard to deal with. It's the reason why I can be so confident when doing my job or acting. Because I genuinely believe I'm amazing. Which is good, right? But that is kind of a survival technique I got from the days when I had major issues and felt shoved aside by my parents, when I got bullied for years and when love relationships were blowing up in my face. The perfectionism is also something I can see in my crazy work ethic. It's just kind of scary to get analyzed like that. I have to learn to love myself, odd bits and all... I'm seeing my mom soon to talk about this. I'd like to get rid of the idea that I'm not good enough in any way. Budget status: Oh shit, I really am starting to have issues with money suddenly. Damn. I almost didn't make rent this month. What did I read today: The final bit on shoes and socks and how to combine colors and textures. Anonymity editing of my diary: 11/32 Maintained habits: -Prep food - I'm cooking tonight. Might have to clean the kitchen first, though. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Done. -Drink enough water - Should be okay nowadays. I'm actually working on a great streak of drinking a minimum of 10 glasses of water a day. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Doing this quite a few days in a row. The habit is properly ingrained. Yay!
  12. Day 50. "The fear. The struggle." I mellowed out my planning. There's now more normal things in there. Like barber's appointments, household stuff. It looks more realistic. It's grinding my gears though, because it's making me fear that I'm going too slowly. Though normally I'd be prepping for my first workshop and my first paid D&D-stuff. It's just that they both got postponed due to the corona-restriction tightening up again. And on another bright note, some of my bills are getting paid so I have some money again now. It's just that I'm so goddamn anxious to start flying, I'm worried I'll never get to that if I'm still working on walking. I sometimes wonder if my speed or my progress is on par with the rest of the entrepreneurs. But then again, I'm supposed to fight my own fight, they're not me and not doing what I do so I'm really in my own race, not theirs. It's just hard to let go of all of that insecurity, like it's gravity pulling me back. It's all just one huge experiment. Trial and error. Try to make something of myself and my life and make enough money to get by. And if it fails, no worries, I'll not die or something. There's always some kind of plan B. I just really don't want to end up in some call center. I don't want my plan A to have to take a back seat. I'm scared of that. I'm not sure this fear is holding me back, though. It might just be there, it's a very normal thing to be scared if you're a start-up. I'm just not clear-headed enough yet to figure out if it's really affecting things and thus needs to be take care of or if it's just there, existing and doing it's thing and being fine. Budget status: Happy then end of the month is nearby. I scrimped and saved and was able to cobble together some money for next month. I hope that at the end of November things will be a bit brighter. What did I read today: Another bit about shoes. Anonymity editing of my diary: 10/32 Maintained habits: -Prep food - There's leftover. Though I'm not a big fan of my lasagna. Might also be that I'm getting some kind of stomach bug. We'll see. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Done. -Drink enough water - Done and done. Had a Drill Sergeant class today. Heavy stuff but I think I made it through. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done.
  13. Day 48. "Is this the way?" So I haven't updated this regularly. I've got some scheduling issues. I've noticed I've been stressed for a bit. I have two planners, I think that's the cause. I'm very ambitious and very demanding of myself. I made a schedule with my SO for household stuff and our pets and put it in our shared digital planner, an app. Then I have a separate Excel file on my computer that lists my planning for about a month. Building a website, writing down my coaching stuff, and so on... The thing it, neither of those take each other into account. I don't like realizing or admitting my limits. Making it very easy to easily overstep them. I also have a few hours a week of coaching now and whenever I get an acting gig, I have to reschedule everything again. But on the other hand I'm rather lazy and easily distracted, so I really do need a proper schedule. It's just that I find it hard to balance all of these things. I want a fulfilling social life, healthy pets in a clean environment, healthy food on the table (decent, fresh cooked meals with no palm oil and preferably vegetarian), a clean apartment with no clutter, regular exercise (and even there I'm so ambitious as to want to climb up to 'Advanced Boxing' within 6 months), a promising career with lots of clients and lots of money, ... It's a crazy list. So it kind of went overboard on me and I was mainly executing stuff. I had acting gigs, coaching gigs, I took a day off (very much necessary) and then I recovered a bit. I'm trying to grow in this but it's a baby steps-kind of thing. I removed the daily chores thing from my diary. We kind of have it all down to a science nowadays because of the household schedule we made. There's always stuff to be cleaned or tidied. But I feel like that doesn't really count and my effort would be better directed towards work or more important stuff. Budget status: We blew through our household budget. Had dinner twice and I splurged on books. So now we're improvising. We use stuff like the first free box of Hello Fresh or Marley Spoon to get by for the moment. We're not starving. I just don't want to touch our savings for something so trivial like groceries. We also have a full fridge and freezer. It just bugs me that despite keeping an eye on our money this was able to happen. What did I read today: Lots of different things. Poetry, fantasy, satire and a bit about shoes. Anonymity editing of my diary: 9/32 Maintained habits: -Prep food - SO is doing it and I'm having leftovers from my Alton Brown-meatloaf. Mmmm... -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Done. -Drink enough water - First bottles ready, also have boxing later so we should be okay. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done.
  14. I did try it. But it took quite a bit of effort to get it going. It was lovely when it worked. But the amount of time and focus it took to reboot the habit every time I lost it was too much. I figured it was useful but I didn't enjoy it enough to keep it up. I prefer the zen-like state that running or boxing gives me. Nowadays I try to manage my schedule and my expectations a bit more to prevent stress rather than relieve it. Thanks! It's such a huge load off my shoulders!