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Phoenixking

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About Phoenixking

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  • Birthday 09/24/1990

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  1. Day 50. "Suit up!" I can't believe I've made it to day 50... I still sometimes struggle with triggers and urges. I think I might push past day 90 and keep the counter up. I notice that it's a big motivator for me to not relapse: I don't want to reset the counter. The gig I did Tuesday went great, I had so much energy to give and everything was explosively funny. Wednesday I stayed in bed for way too long. Getting up out of bed is still a hard task for me XD I get more out of my day if I do, though. But my schedule and when I get home is just rather varied. I saw a few friends from film school yesterday. It was great to reconnect after all these years and it felt like no time had passed, we just slid right back into joking around. We talked about what projects we're doing and I sent the the pilot episode of my hearplay for feedback. I got the results back from the producers of the local radio station, they're ecstatic! I'm so happy and proud that my weird brain fart is suddenly taking off. If I can only find some way to fund the whole thing, we can get to really cooking with gas! Last night I saw a friend of mine and asked him to go get a drink and something to eat, we're seeing each other next Monday. He's one of my D&D players, an improv buddy of mine and his girl is struggling with her depression as well. I figured it'd be wise to seek his counsel surrounding how to deal with my SO and her burning out slowly but surely. I went into the thing with the idea of seeking his advice, but he responded he'd be glad to hang out because he thinks I'm a fun dude. I like how I went looking for something practical but received a cool compliment ^^ Today I'm seeing the tailor to go talk about a tailored bespoke suit. "Purple. Always a royal winner." Recent highlight: Stealing the show at last night's improv training. Budget status: Had coffee and donuts yesterday, weekly budget down to 41,45 bucks. I will be trying to have saved 2000 bucks by the end of next month. The highest amount of money I've ever owned was about 5000. My goal is to try and go over that in about 6 months! My one goal for the next 24h: Tomorrow I'm doing production again at the prison. I helped make the schedule, but there are still some kinks. *sigh* So the goal is to kick tomorrow's ass! Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - All good. -Make the bed - First thing in the morning. -Drink enough water - The jug is right next to me, so hopefully I make it today. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go shower so I'll do it in a bit. -No daydrinking at home alone - For now, okay. I hid all of the beers and emptied stuff out of the fridge that had alcohol or lots of sugar. -Meditation - Monday: no. Tuesday: no. Wednesday: no. Thursday: kind of. -Exercise once this week - Tonight there's Krav Maga. Looking forward to it! Also, I try to bike everywhere nowadays. Which sucks because it's winter. But still, it's healthier!
  2. Day 48. "Wired." Sunday was rather draining. I knew my girl had arranged for some of her college friends to come over and that we had to host them. But I underestimated what was expected. Bought about 110 bucks worth of groceries, turned out that it was only meant to be about 50... That was not communicated. Lots of things went wrong that day. Ugh. But I was the perfect host, though, she was happy and proud of me. But afterwards I was sooooo tired. Social batteries drained. And they just wouldn't fucking leave, it was so weird. If it would have been my own friends, I would have just shared with them that I'm tired and kicked them out. Oh well... I made a shitload of spaghetti sauce with the leftovers and now there's whiskey and ice cream in the house. Yay! I also cleaned the kitchen twice and the bathroom got a turn too. Sparkly house! But tiresome day. My girl has been talking more and more about how she's no longer able to handle things. She's got a therapist, but her month has such a demanding schedule that she can't go. I keep telling her that unless she makes her own mental health her top priority (and thus no longer lets any excuse whatsoever come in between her and therapy or other things), it's going to get worse. She's slowly spiraling. It hurts my heart to see it. I'm there for her, I listen and support her. But she's going to have to be the one that climbs out of the hole, I can't do that for her. I love her to bits but sometimes it can be tedious to be together with somebody who needs so much help still. I've been thinking of my future, like marriage and kids and a house and stuff. And I've decided that I'd definitely feel like marrying her (even got the whole proposal thought out already) but she's going to have to mature a metric fuckton before I have kids with her... I mean, we've had so many issues with her bike. She's constantly borrowing mine because hers keeps failing in random ways. Even today I have to give up an hour to go to her bike and fix it again. All of the stuff she brings into my life is understandable, I'm chaotic too and she's younger. I was a mess when I was her age. But I'm so focused now on being a better person, it's just frustrating sometimes to have somebody who's so dependent on me. I just lost another hour of my day because her bike broke. Again. Had to schlep my toolbox over to the train station where she'd left the bike. Then she also broke the toolbox... Ffs. It's so hard sometimes to channel that frustration elsewhere. She's not doing it on purpose, but she's still doing it. I have a jam packed schedule. I'm trying to stay away from Netflix or Reddit for a few days to make sure I can get it all done. I've always tried to make sure I take enough time to catch my breath. But I feel like for the next few days, I better double down on things. I'm trying to stay wired as long as possible. Get my motor running in the morning and don't let it quit till the evening. I went to help my friend this morning, he's remodeling his house. Basically spent the morning laying flooring. I fucked up my hand though, hit it with a hammer. Doofus XD But the result was pretty! We had a good talk too. He can be an ass or a cynic, but he's a good guy. I texted grandma this Sunday. Because of the party, I thought I needed some things. I was mistaken and cancelled seeing her to pick some stuff up. She was a bit sad so I vowed to try and see her this week. I haven't been successful yet. I still have two more days, though. Recent highlight: Laying the flooring and making sure the kitchen's spotless. Budget status: Setting my weekly budget for 50 bucks! My one goal for the next 24h: Kick ass at the gig tonight! Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Did it this morning. -Make the bed - Was the first out of bed this morning. Pretty sure my SO didn't do it. -Drink enough water - Kind of halfway there already today. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it a few hours ago. -No daydrinking at home alone - Was drinking two nights before. -Meditation - Monday: no. Tuesday: not yet. -Exercise once this week - Working on the flooring was nice. I can't do Krav Maga tonight and I hope nothing'll happen on practice Thursday because my hand is still fucked up. I do tend to sit down way less and try to use my bike for most things instead of my car.
  3. Thanks man. I feel like I was fighting myself there for a bit. As long as my schedule is filled with stuff, I'm fine. But left all alone, to my own devices? ... Shit... So easy to start regressing again. I'm so happy that my brain has kind of recovered from porn or games in terms of chemicals. I literally get headaches if I see porn. It's such a huge deterrent.
  4. Day 45. "Gray area." I had a little party on my own last night. Japanese Whiskey and tasty fried food that I had home delivered. My girl was out of town though, so I had trouble sleeping alone. I ended up listening to a podcast instead of a book, but more like in a way to listen to a bit before I drift off, not as a way to kill the loneliness. I did drift off a bit, but it was unintended. I was also a bit buzzed... I feel like I should reset the timer though... The whole point of it all was to not play games, not watch porn and not use Netflix or a podcast to fall asleep with... I'm having trouble figuring out if I broke my vow or not. But I'm also a bit scared of what'd happen if I reset. I'm pretty sure I'd be strongly inclined to play a game on my phone and then I'd feel réally bad... Even the thought of resetting the counter is giving me triggers and temptations. But on the other hand if I continue the counter after breaking one of the vows, the whole thing is going to be nulled out, hollow. So I don't really know what to do... I'd say I'll talk it over with my partner, but she's not here. On top of that, I really want to play that fucking game on my phone and I'm confident she'd tackle me first before letting me relapse. So if I were to really want to play it, now would be the time. It's so fucking tempting. But I'd lose track of time. There's so much to do today... I have to go shopping because there's friends of hers coming tomorrow and we're hosting. On top of that they're curious about D&D and roleplaying and I'd like to prep a little story or something. Because of the hosting of friends, I'd need to clean this place, do the laundry and fold them and put it away and also change the sheets because I was supposed to do that yesterday. There's not a lot of time left because we're having dinner with my sister and her SO and afterwards participating in "Drunk Gaki no Tsukai". (Google it, long story, sorry). Phew... I guess summarizing things, even if I'd make the counter a more hollow concept by continuing it after contemplating the gray area of what I did last night with the podcast (I should have just read my fucking book), the sacrifice I'd make by resetting it and making a relapse more tempting with the game on my phone is not worth it. Whether I should reset or not, it's not worth relapsing. So I'll just continue. Steady as she goes. Ish. Recent highlight: Fighting through the moment described above. Budget status: Okay for now. I'll try and set a weekly budget for next Monday. My one goal for the next 24h: Try and let go of everything in my mind right now and try and transform into a shopper, cook, writer and cleaning hero for the rest of the day. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Just finished. -Make the bed - Postponed it because I have to change the sheets and clean the entire place anyway. -Drink enough water - I tend to get up from sitting more to get a glass. Oddly enough I now have to do more physical effort to maintain this, but it's making it easier. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Skipped it yesterday... I'll do it later today before I go to dinner prolly. -No daydrinking at home alone - Well, I had a bit of a party last night on my own. I do notice I have been drinking a bit more lately. -Meditation - Didn't meditate yesterday. Maybe I should try and keep track of this somehow to see my weekly average. -Exercise once this week - I hope we'll be able to go for a hike tomorrow. My body craves it.
  5. You have to break that shit man. Take the caffeine out of the equation, keep the hours of sleep and white knuckle yourself to exercise. It might be hard for about 2 weeks. Try to fight it daily, keep talking about it in your journal and after a while, the discipline is no longer needed and it becomes a habit. It took me quite some time and willpower to actually start meditating, but after about a week, I finally enjoyed it! But I still need the daily journaling to remind me to do it and keep it up. Leaving bad habits behind and building up new ones takes time and effort, but yields compound interests! On top of that, the same goes for bad habits. Working out would be a great way to have more energy because the amount of juice you'll spend in the beginning doing the physical and mental work doesn't even begin to compare what level of output it'll give you in the long run.
  6. Wait. What? How do you even get off then? I thought the whole point of being able to fantasize is to be completely free in what you want to think of. I wouldn't be able to do it if I can't do that. Hell, I don't even know how I would begin to turn that switch off. I don't really think there's anything erotic about the act itself at all. It's kind of funny or primate-like even XD
  7. Day 44. "MONEY!" Final day on set was yesterday. I'm happy to be home again. But another bit of money was made now. Yay! The big thing the next two weeks I'll be doing is a paperwork thing. I have to prep a solid application and admit it to a business consultant of my local department for unemployed people. It's going to be rather exhausting, knowing myself. I am both not good at paperwork because I'm chaotic and I also hate it because I use up twice the amount of focus and energy. I have to do market research, google my potential competitors and figure out their businesses, practices and prices and compare them to what I'm planning. Stuff like that. It's super fucking important that I nail that application. But I'm unsure of how well I should market my insight, intellect and previous successes. Because it's a government program meant to help me, I'm a bit fearful if I seem too prepared and successful they'd advise me to go out on my own and not waste their resources on somebody who could make it without their help, there are after all places that look for their specific demographic and want to only spend their means on people who actually need the help but do exhibit potential. On the other hand if I look like somebody who does their required prepping diligently, I think I come across as a safe bet and somebody who works hard, right? I might just be overthinking this a tad. But I'm nervous. This could be a life changing trajectory and I've been risking and sacrificing lots of things for this sequence... I went to my union today to get the unemployment cheques figured out. I'm owed about 500-600 for the months of november and december. I got a letter a while back that let me know the doctor they had appointed had ruled me as a proper burnout case and somebody with intellectual capacity and will strong enough to endure an endeavor like what's coming. So basically, that made the government decide that I had done a good job quitting my previous office gig to prevent my bore-out from getting worse. Normally if you quit your job, you get jack shit. But because of my reasoning, they agreed to pay me the full shizz anyway. But it gets better. I'm not sure if it's a mishap, a lucky break, a move the union pulled or just the system cutting me a break, but I'm getting a shitload of money. About 1500 per month. It slowly drops down after a while. By the end of 2020 it's going to be about 1200 per month. But my expenses never exceed 1000 per month so in terms of money, I'm without worry for the next 18 months or so! This is huge! It was supposed to be at least half that, because the last couple of months of my working I had started working half-time instead of full-time. But because of some legalities like me being on sick leave for a long time and working for 2 years full-time before those 3 months of half-time working, I had gotten a full ride! It's insane. I was prepared to haul ass, budget carefully, sell some stuff and work my ass of starting the business. But it seems I'll be able to take a load off and I'll just have to focus on the business. That is, IF and that could be a BIG IF, I get through the application process. I don't like jumping through all of these paper hoops. I'm way better at things if I can talk my way in or out of stuff. But it seems to be going the right way for now. Recent highlight: Discovering I'm getting a shitload of money each month soon. Budget status: I got another payment for the commercial, but it still all seems way too little to me. I'll contact them soon, but for now, I have other priorities. My one goal for the next 24h: Do what I had planned to do today, but have a moment of celebration tonight. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Not done yet. I'll do it soon, though. -Make the bed - The bedroom is a mess right now. Sheets need changing though. I'll go clean up the kitchen and bedroom after my Japanese. -Drink enough water - After reading that it's super healthy to only sit down in stints of 30 minutes, I tend to get up way more to get a glass of water. A good new thing for both reasons 🙂 -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Actually haven't done this yet. I should do it after the cleaning of the rooms... -No daydrinking at home alone - Had a drink yesterday and I'll probably have some whiskey later tonight in celebration. My drinking seems to be going up a bit again. I'm thinking of joining my girl in not drinking 1 drop of alcohol in February. -Meditation - Planned to meditate later tonight after my girl has left the house. -Exercise once this week - I made improv practice Wednesday night to get some energy released. And there's actually been a lot of sex this week. But this weekend we were thinking of going for a big hike with a few friends. I can't do next Krav Maga practice either, but the second one next week should be fine.
  8. Day 42. "Soujourn." So my booking on the set got cancelled for today. Apparently yesterday they got it all done so efficiently that today was cut from the schedule and gave us extras a day off. But because of the booking already being made, they still pay us 65 out of the 100 we are owed for just being home. Lucky break! My mind is still a bit hazy, the days on set make me wake up early and I'm not that good at that. I'm up, sure, but not really awake. I slept in today. I'm pretty sure that after I detox the current 90 days, I'll just continue my course but try to mind my sleeping pattern. I don't want to do that yet, I've learned to nod bite off too much to chew. But after the 90 days dealing with the sleep stuff might be an upgrade. An upgrade like the efforts I've been putting in my dental care. This morning I had to drag my sorry ass to the dentist after waking up early on a day off. I was kind of curious about what the results would be. I had gotten a few cavities filled and the state of it all was abysmal. But I doubled down on efforts and started brushing more, flossing, using a dental brush and mouth water. And apparently I aced it! Nothing to remark, he said. And I don't have to be back to the dentist for another full year! I'm so happy! Tomorrow will be my last day on set. The second half of this month will be all about the business I'm starting. I have an appointment at the end of the month to evaluate if I'm clever and prepped enough to enter a government paid for program for people like me. If all goes well, I'd enter something roughly translating to 'The Starters' Lab'. I'd get coaches, classes and guidance for a maximum of 18 months. The point of it all is to prep me, guide me and help me get the right tools I'd need. They teach you the business stuff, but not the content of your business. They won't teach me anything about acting, but would do so about selling my skills. I'm very excited for the idea. It would include major budgeting though... Now that I'm officially eligible for unemployment money, I'll get some retroactive money, about 2 months worth. And one major downside of the Lab-program is that I have to survive off of that money. I get a small humble amount each month. So major budgeting. All of the money I make in the business, I have to give to them as some sort of fail-safe. It's to make sure I don't absorb all of the knowledge they'd give me, run off in a few weeks and do it all on my own. They need to get paid for their services. So in the beginning they pay for all of the costs I'd make, and I have to send all of the bills with their business info. So I don't have to pay for any accounting, paperwork, setting up shop, registering my business, ... I use their already set mechanisms. And during the 18 months of getting taught how to do shit, I give them all I earn in return while surviving off the unemployment money. If I don't earn enough each month, there are advances I can get on the amount I'll be getting back. Because when you "graduate" they give back all of the money you kind of accumulated yourself but had to give to them as some sort of backup plan. So ideally I get into the program next month ish. Then I'd work like a maniac for about 18 months max. Then the money I'd made will fund a trip to Japan with my SO, a big savings account and by that time I'd hopefully have a solid and functioning business. Exciting times. Recent highlight: Waking up fully relaxed, with a cup of coffee and a new season of The Orville. Pure bliss and a great way to wake up slowly. Budget status: I think I might start limiting my luxury spending again, starting next Monday. To make sure I budget enough in advance. Just for safety's sake. My one goal for the next 24h: Try to go to sleep on time after improv practice tonight. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - All good. The leaderboard thing died down as expected. -Make the bed - Done. -Drink enough water - Sitting down at the table with a jug of water helps. I'm already halfway there today. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to shower, brush and meditate before going for a walk. -No daydrinking at home alone - Haven't been home all too much. -Meditation - About to go and meditate. -Exercise once this week - Can't get to Krav Maga, but I'll settle for doing Improv tonight and trying to be as physical as possible.
  9. Day 40. "Deficit." I spent a part of Saturday moping around and sulking because of the loss of my hair. I actually cried because of it. I just don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I finally know what some people deal with when they say they don't like how they look. It's going to take me a while to get used to this new look of mine. The final haircut I'll ever have... At least I had a good laugh when I went to see an improv show Saturday night. Sunday was spent with family and today was another day on set. I went to sleep waaaay too late. I am not that good at falling asleep. I read, I toss and turn, I check my phone, ... I had about 3 hours last night. I'm just not a morning person, I'm an evening/afternoon kind of guy. That's when I'm most active and get the most things done. I've been reading a lot on the set, in between takes, and I always bring my laptop to get some shit done. I've been really getting through my to do list because of that. But I'm also an energetic spasmoid. Not being able to go to improv trainings or Krav Maga is making me a bit cage-ragey. I have lots of physical energy. Combine that with wanting to make my fellow extras burst into laughter, and you have a bit of a disruptive element on set. Today I made a conscious effort to calm down, but the others are as bad as I am XD If we'd be at a bar or a party, it'd be spectacular. But we have to sit still and be quiet often. I think lots of people are probably jealous of how funny we can be. But I also understand they just want to do their job and that we are extras and thus totally unimportant. Recent highlight: Getting a shitload of stuff done and learning I can be on set tomorrow a few hours later than normal. Budget status: I keep contacting my payrolling place for the money they still owe me. I'll keep hammering the same nail if I have to! My one goal for the next 24h: Relax a little bit, eat and drink something and watch 1 episode of something and then go to sleep. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - I can feel the leaderboard thing starting to get a bit annoying. Haven't missed a day in a while though. -Make the bed - SO left the bed unmade, but it's fine since it's my habit and not hers. -Drink enough water - Today went a bit better. The reminders the app gives me helps. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it before I left for set today. -No daydrinking at home alone - I feel like I've been drinking a bit more lately. -Meditation - Haven't meditated in about 2 days. Did do it without any apps, just nature music on Sunday and it was lovely. -Exercise once this week - I am getting a bit antsy. I have to be on set so it's hard to exercise, of course.
  10. Day 38. "Setlife." Aaaaand we're back. Phew. 2 days of being an extra on a set in a different city. Due to that city no longer allowing a polluting car like mine in downtown, I had to use a combination of highways and public transportation. UGH. SUCKS. The gig itself was okay, to be honest. I brought my book, my phone and my laptop. I got quite a bit of work done, actually. I also finished my book but the better part of the two days were spent talking with the other extras. Usually on a set, if you're not aware, there's always extras. But they change them out often and so they're viewed as the bottom of the food chain, expendable. I know this because I've been directing, doing technical stuff, acting, ... I've been on different sports of the ladder before and more often than not, extras are not considered a part of the family. Rough? Yes. But working on a set for a living is rough in itself. It's a tight knit family and thus they're weary of externals. Some extras are also morons. They dawdle around the famous actors if they're there and bug them, they ask stupid questions and sometimes even exude arrogance. They'll have picture of all the sets they've been on or brag about exaggerated achievements of theirs. I've been lead actor or something similarly important big on a set loads of times, it's my job. I no longer consider myself special or have my ego running about. But if it's an extra who brags about the commercials they've been in or the movies they've directed or shot? It's just weird. If you're so successful, then why are you here as an extra? There was one such person there. There always is. But I was pleasantly surprised. Almost all of the others weren't like that! They were smart, knew their place, well read, emotionally intelligent. The amount of deep conversations we had was insane! So unexpected. We went from diet, to comedy, to PC-culture, movies, relationships, emotions, politics, ... Non-stop deep and engaging conversations. Amazing! But not tiring. It was so fluent. I worked, rested, read and ate whenever I felt the need to and all other moments was just fun. I started telling them about the voices I could do or why I like improv and then I just started doing a mini-show XD The mood got the best of me. We had to be shushed a few times but you could see that the crew members around us were enjoying it too. I fucking love making people laugh. The hours are insane. I didn't get much sleep. But the engaging conversations were kind of worth it. It made me feel like I was not alone. There are more smart, self-developing and titillating people out there. Fucking lovely! On the down side, I've been feeling a little bit sad about the loss of my hair. I'm bald now. I've been getting soooo many compliments about how I look now and how cool they think it is that I had the balls to do it myself, how they know a few people who sadly use comb overs and the likes and that they respect me for embracing it. I used to be way more confident about how I looked. But now it's gotten a bit of a dent. I don't seem to look like myself anymore. I think I'm in mourning or something. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself anymore. It's a different person. He looks like me but like from a parallel universe or something. It's uncomfortable... Had I know that I'd go through this, I may have postponed cutting it off. In a way I'm happy that I didn't though. But it's not fun feeling like this about my appearance. Recent highlight: Improvising a Christmas-themed rap, lyric by lyric, on the spot, with the help of a beatboxing Spanish opera-singer on set. Yes, you read that right. Budget status: Got paid for one gig, but still waiting for my serious cash. I've noticed that for a gig worth 2000, I lost 300 because of the payrolling office's rules. If there ever was a time to take the reigns and arrange for my own accountancy, it was now... My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy family time. My SO's sister is here and tomorrow we're seeing, for the first time in over a year of incidents and infighting, my entire expanded new family of my mom and her boyfriend and all of the kids and their SOs. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - I might splurge a little bit more next week on the leaderboard thing, but odds are I'll flake out and just focus on my own progress. -Make the bed - All good. -Drink enough water - Still rather hard sometimes. I really need to have a moment during the day where I sit down and have water near me. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go shower and do this exact thing. The past two days were hard though because lots of set stuff and not a lot of sleep. -No daydrinking at home alone - Last night had a beer and some sparkling wine. -Meditation - Probably going to do it after the shower. -Exercise once this week - My leg hurts. My toe is okay now but my knees are still not exactly solid. Guess I'm just growing old. I'll miss some practices because of being on set, so hopefully I can find a way to compensate somehow.
  11. Day 35. "Balled." Krav Maga was a kick in the teeth. Good gawd. HAAARD. Got my ass handed to me. I dropped my guard so often, so I got punched in the face a lot. But I did have a blast though XD Today I visited the barber's and had the talk with my SO's landlady. The latter went really well. I expected it to go off without a hitch, my SO was really nervous. Even afterwards when it all turned out great, she's still a bit upset. There's just no winning. We got our deposit back, the whole shebang went great. And she just keeps going on about how guilty she feels about leaving the landlady. Honestly, I don't know how her parents or exes treated her, but that's a jumbled brain to me. I'm bald now. I went to the barber's to have my beard trimmed and my hair cut. My bald spot had been growing over the last few months. I didn't expect today to be the day, but it was all shaven off. I'm bald now. It's so weird... I have a full beard, though. Big, bushy and nicely trimmed now. I'll probably keep growing it. To compensate I guess? The guys at the barbershop commended me for asking to shave it all off. Most duded postpone it, use wigs or comb overs. I figured I'd be more of a confident man if I were to just accept and embrace change. After all, there's no stopping nature. It's weird to walk around with the last haircut you'll ever have. Maybe one day I'll have some fun and grow out my old, gray professor-like hairdo. Like some sort of Einstein. But for now, it's a smooth skull and a bushy beard. Along with 2020 starting and me starting a business soon, it feels like some sort of a new me. Recent highlight: Seeing my SO get all of her deposit back, no issues whatsoever. Budget status: Had another call with the payment office. There's still a backlog they need to pay me out for. And I got a message from the unemployment office. It seems everything is going to work out fine soon... My one goal for the next 24h: Gotta be on set tomorrow, so I guess my goal is to just try to be as productive as possible? Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - The competition feelings died down a little. I can see it pop up again in the future, though. But I'll try to keep a lid on it. -Make the bed - Actually, not done. For the first time in a while. I was the first one out of bed and my girl just left it unmade -Drink enough water - Just parked my butt with some water next to me. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it this morning ^^ -No daydrinking at home alone - Had some sparkling wine because celebrations! -Meditation - Was too busy this morning, had to leave fast. And now I'm kind of buzzed so nope. -Exercise once this week - I sadly have to be on set, so no Krav Maga in a while 😞
  12. That looks cool as shit! Damn! I love this new hobby of your and your discipline and the progress you're making!
  13. Day 35. "The close calls." Well, yesterday after my journal entry, it was quite the roller coaster. I kept on procrastinating doing my comedy, anxious about the gig. Suddenly an email popped up, a huge gig, right up my alley, major pay, equal to the Burger King ad I did. I applied, made a video, the whole shebang. But it coincided with helping out my partner. Her landlord is visiting her apartment one last time to look at the place. Any defects or damages would be on the bill my SO would get. And my SO is terrified of that confrontation. We had a major serious talk about it and she would literally prefer to pay a 2000 euro fine and not show up, leave the whole situation as it is and just stay at home and not confront her. So I stepped in. I'm a great talker, not afraid of that lady and am, when needed, able to use my superpowers of public speaking to transform myself into some kind of spin doctor. I could sell water to a fish. I don't like doing it, it often feels morally wrong, it's like lying but on crack. Which is why I never went into sales, despite excelling at it. So because of the great gig, I'd leave my SO high and dry. But.. MONEY! So I applied anyway. We'd figure something out. Still anxious about the comedy gig that night, though, but applying and making a video and so on took priority. Then suddenly, I get a message from the comedy booker! He's sick, there was not a lot of promo and another two comedians dropped out. So he had decided to cancel the event! I got away scot-free! YAY! But then the message came back that the great gig that payed so well was already taken by another dude who just applied quicker than I did and it was all very last minute so they took him... Aw... But that means I still get to kick ass versus that landlady AND I now had time to finish up on some other work! YAY! So tonight there's Krav Maga and there's time yesterday and today to finish up on some work concerning scheduling my actors. And tomorrow there's my barber's appointment (majorly looking forward to a good trim and a new haircut), in the afternoon we kick ass and shut the door on that gnarly chapter of the bad apartment and in the evening my SO has her first appointment with her new therapist. Recent highlight: The relief I felt when the annoying comedy gig fell through. Budget status: Well, it sucks that the well paid gig went to the competition and I've yet to be paid for several things. But at least there's the gig the next 10 days of being an extra. My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy Krav Maga, relax at the barber's and verbally kick that landlady's butt goodbye Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Sadly, still on the leaderboard thing... The effects are dying down though. I see how much this behavior resembles my video game addiction. -Make the bed - Done! -Drink enough water - Got my water right next to me. Also because of Krav Maga, I'll prolly drink a lot . -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'm about to have a shower and take care of this ^^ -No daydrinking at home alone - No issues, despite there being beer in the fridge and there's never been this much liquor in our cabinet. -Meditation - I'm going to start using some self-made stuff. The apps just don't do it anymore for me. -Exercise once this week - Krav Maga tonight. Finally!
  14. Day 34. "The unavoidable gig." Today I wanted to get up at 8, but rose at 11:30... I don't have the circadian rhythm yet. Had quite a few late night where I stayed up late, read books or partied or watched Netflix with the SO, she was on holiday from work after all. She HAD to get up this morning at 6 for work. I had the option of sleeping in. My alarm doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual. I'm basically a lazy animal in the morning. It's not until a few hours after I've had my coffee that my engine is finally running properly. But once it does, I'm a fucking wrecking ball. I'd like to be able to wake up earlier and nail life. But I think that it's just not me. I'm an afternoon/evening/night person. I have so much energy then. Maybe I should stop trying to change myself and just run with it. Accept it and try to optimize what's here instead of trying to force a change. The gig is tonight. Haven't practiced a bit at all. It's probably going to be my last comedy set. I don't mind performing, at all. I just am not in the habit of collecting and writing material. It's not a burning passion of mine. I like acting way more and being funny by acting, like in improv. So I'll just try to get by tonight and move on. I tried getting under from it, but it didn't stick. I'll just show up and be diligent about it and then go back home. It's so annoying. Ugh. I initially did it because I wanted to push myself to write new material, but it's clear now that I don't enjoy comedy enough to put up with having to practice it and perform for no pay, and also drive to other cities and stuff. I'm used to hosting, public speaking, acting, ... All properly compensated stuff. At the bare minimum, my expenses for my car or public transport are paid for. I may have gotten a little spoiled over the years... Well... I guess I better go practice now. Recent highlight: Reading my Drizzt book. I'm happy I bought three of them. About 1000 pages in total, ish. I'm really into the story! Budget status: I'm looking forward to my next gig, a couple of days on set of a big series. I'm just an extra, but get paid 100 cash per day. Easy money and I can probably work on my laptop or read books a lot. My one goal for the next 24h: Just get through the gig. I'll try not to care if I suck or not, I just want to get it over with. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - I've been hooked onto the leaderboards again... Dammit. I'm so sensitive to feelings of competition, progress and achievement -Make the bed - Done! -Drink enough water - The glass of water thing next to my pc is working out today as well. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll have a shower and brush before I go to the gig. -No daydrinking at home alone - All good. -Meditation - Trouble finding a free app that works for me. But I might think that at this point I just need some nice music or the sound of a river flowing or something. I have 2 more apps to test out. If they won't work, I'll just set a timer and use the nature sounds thing. -Exercise once this week - Tomorrow there's going to be Krav Maga and the cleanup. I'll be sore by Wednesday XD
  15. Thanks man. I'm going to see what my sister thinks of it. I'm so weirded out by it. All my life I've wanted nothing less than for him to make some kind of effort to be in my life. It's so daunting that he seems to do that. But why only just now? Where was he 10 years ago or more, you know? And the thing I'm most scared of is that I'm just reading into it, that I'm seeing what I want to see. I think I'm just going to leave it alone for now and see what happens, play things by ear.
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