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Phoenixking

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About Phoenixking

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  • Birthday 09/24/1990

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  1. Phoenixking

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Day 79 I'm tired. Yowza. Today at work it was busier than usual. Tomorrow and the day after it'll be filled up with clients. I'll probably be running around putting out fires. I tried to make sure that I got as much done as possible for my party. I think I almost have everything now, but I'm not sure. It's getting kind of woozy. I'll probably stress some more the next days. I already agreed with myself that it's okay if it means I get shit done but on Saturday I let go of everything during my morning shower. I'll sing, dance, drink and chill. No stress. Surfing on the waves of all of my prepwork. Tomorrow evening I'll still try to go to some shop (if at all nescessary) or start changing the layout of my apartment. I'm getting a visit too! The improv crush is dropping by for supper and she's making me a motherfucking bento box for the day after! Afterwards we're going to improv together. We had a bit of 'the talk' and I think I made it clear we care about each other but that this is not going towards a relationship. But it's nice in any case. It felt healthy 🙂 In any case, the flirting is on. I am loving this being single and handling my shit at the same time. Slowly but surely, I truly think that in 2019 my life will have made a full 180 degrees turn. I visited my childhood home today. I grew up there but because of the divorce it was sold. Now my aunt is renting it from the person who bought it. Life has a funny way of producing irony. I dropped by because I needed some pots and pans to cook with this weekend. It all seemed so much smaller than I remember. But the nostalgia was nice. I asked if I could see my old room. Or my old bathroom. That's where my dad once told me about the divorce. I wasn't possible. But soon. It's not like I'm not over it or hung up on it. It's just that I want to know what it feels like to be there again. I want to relive a second of that pain and angst and show myself how far I've come and how strong I've become. My jobcoach told me to write a letter to my younger self, back when I was still upside down and inside out. Maybe dipping into it will resolve some things with my mom. One amazing thing that happened/I did today It's been a long time since somebody has flirted with me and told me I'm sexy. It was kind of nice ^^ Body/health I'm tired 😮 I've been really active each day after work. But I listed to my body before it becomes my corpse. Food, nutricious stuff and sleep. Mind/soul Very, very excited for Saturday. Already mentally prepping for shit to go haywire. Of course it will! And it's going to be hilarious 😛 What progress did I make today? Picked up almost ALL the party and cooking supplies I needed. Almost all of the non-food stuff is done now. Also I have my car back. 600 bucks hurts my bank account. But that's why I have savings. What went well today: Being productive as soon as work was done and not quitting until I was physically exhausted. But also letting go on time and not pushing myself over my limits. What I could have done to make my day better: Not push myself SO much. Pushing myself is okay. But I need to make sure I chill out and eat and rest on time. What I will do differently tomorrow: Improv crush is coming over for fun evening and some R&R and improv. She made me a bento. I will squeel from joy. Goals: Survive work. Do my personal stuff sneakily in between. Let go of everything as soon as the crush comes over and then enjoy it all with a smile.
  2. Phoenixking

    Journal

    Good job 😄 Good morning! I had a nice shower, listened to a podcast, just made myself a breakfast shake with apples and spinach and nuts and juice; now for some cereal and off to work we go 😄 I'm very happy to read you're doing a bit better. Hang in there man! You're doing great from where I'm looking at you!
  3. Phoenixking

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Day 78 Today was productive. I had skipped 2 diary entries because of lack of time. I wasn't going to sacrifice any sleep for it! But I managed to catch up. And we released our podcast today, episode 2 is online! Yay! I spent the better part of my day texting the improv crush and prepping for my birthday. I had made a list of decorations, shit I had to keep up with or buy, ingredients for my cakes or the chili dogs or possible appetizers, how much booze and beer to buy... A long and complicated task. But I narrowed it down rather precisely. After work, I immediately set out to go shopping. I bought party and mood lights, napkins, cups, ... I even bought a huge plastic square container to fill up with ice and to put outside. Since the fridge will be full of the food and cakes, there's a logistical issue 😛 When I came home, I spent some time talking to my sister. She's convinced me she'll be here and I can depend on her. We went over the list extensively and then I started unpacking the decorations and cooking. I got tired quickly. I didn't even eat that quickly. I just kept going. It felt good to make progress. There is still so much to do! I'm happy and proud that there's progress. I ended up watching Bojack Horseman and texting the improv crush and my Krav Maga crush. ... (I should really start coming up with names or something). I was sad. The BH episode was about the funeral of his mother. It didn't hit me until halfway. He mentioned something about secretly hanging on to a chance that he and his mother would get along somehow, at some point. And even though he was used to how things were, cold and taunting and hurtful, that secret wish was still there. I realized that's inside of me too. And it just hit me hard. I told the improv crush about it. It flowered into a nice and soothing conversation. It's not bad to be sad, though. It was just nice to be able to share it with her. One amazing thing that happened/I did today The episode of him talking at his mother's funeral. It hit home majorly. It's beautiful how something can do that to your soul in 20 minutes. Body/health The rhythm my daily boring job pushed me into, is good for my health. I drink my shakes, mind my fiber intake and drink plenty of water. Body is fine again! Though, I'm rather tired. Mind/soul I’m happy. I doubt my views a lot, though. My I feel like right now, that's positive. It's normal. I'm rearranging what I feel is important. It's supposed to shake my foundations a little. What progress did I make today? Wrote the diaries. Party supply shopping. Cooked. Ate properly. Handled all my mails. Planned out this week some more. Started decorating a little. What went well today: Being productive as soon as work was done and not quitting until I was physically exhausted. What I could have done to make my day better: Make sure colleagues don't suspect anything. I feel like I'm no longer giving a fuck. But I should be wiser and cover my tracks a bite more, I guess. What I will do differently tomorrow: Try to be a bit more subtle at work. And try not to pressure myself too much. I know I'm doing it again and I understand why and accept it. But nobody is expecting a castle. They just want to see me and have fun together. Goals: Survive work. Do my personal stuff sneakily in between. Go pick up the car from the mechanic. Plan the next days properly because I’ll need good planning to survive the prepping of my party. Yeah. This is the same as yesterday 😛
  4. Phoenixking

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Day 77 So I had cleaned my place because today would be the first day I’d have guests over. I was ready. I picked up some donuts, put some coffee on and everything was set. We have a D&D-based podcast and it’s doing rather well. Our guest arrived we spent all day recording. We managed to get 3.5 episodes done! And we’re releasing episode 2 tomorrow. So exciting. We’ve had amazing responsed and this session was the best one yet. Omfg, it was so good. It had emotion, comedy and tension. True D&D. And the guests are really getting into it, so after a couple of episodes, we could be really on track to something amazing here! I was euphoric at the end and I still kind of am. I’m so grateful to be a part of something this crazy. I also called my mom. I had decided to ask her not to come. If we can’t work out our differences, we are not going to behave well at my party. I’ll be stressed, I know myself. I put the bar rather high. I’ve only since recently learned to lower it and deal with it with more chill. But that’s a new skill of mine. I am prepping myself for being very sensitive and stressed out that day. I’ll probably be better off that that, but I’d rather deal with the worst case scenario. I have prepped for so many things going wrong. It HAS to be a great party with all of my prepping, right? 😛 (I can hear it, too, don’t worry. I’m doing it on purpose. I’ll be fine.) So I felt like she didn’t deserve to see what an amazing and strong person I’ve become, she is not allowed to see and reap the fruits of my labor when she hasn’t been there for me. I felt like I respectfully communicated what and why and I added that I also understand this is me burning some type of bridge, no matter how polite my words are and no matter how justified my emotions are. So I suggested getting counseling for our family. She didn’t respond very well. But at least I’m setting up my boundaries and guarding them. I’m staying true to myself and not even my mother will walk all over me. I am solid now. And I’m staying that way. I no longer sacrifice parts of myself to keep people pleased. I will not relent. Speaking of staying true to myself… I’ve been thinking a lot about my behavior and how I deal with female attention. I used to be a complete man-whore/playboy. I used Tinder before I had breakfast ànd during my morning coffee. I juggled girls, texts, drinks and condoms like it was a second nature. I now see that I was compensating. Majorly. I was filling up the hole inside me with meaningless sex and flirting and was hurting some people in the process here and there. Myself included. I feel very, very strongly about not going back to that person I used to be. But I am a social and flirty person after all. So I still struggle with finding a balance between flirting and accidentally falling into old habits and just being my fun, happy, social, talkative and flirty self without judging myself for it too harshly. Also, my improv crush happened to drop by later that night and we kissed!!! She was on her way home from a gig and dropped by. I notice that lately we’ve been talking a lot and it’s like any excuse is good enough to hang out. The attention is nice and there’s totally some chemistry there. We can talk for hours. She showed me her pictures from her trip to Japan. We were getting a bit more comfortable and when she left it just kind of happened. But passionate or anything. But not a peck either. … I wonder what will happen now. She knows I want to be single. But she’s also in a very vulnerable place. She’s still struggling with the whole cancer thing that’s ravaged her body and her ex has somebody new already. I think I can make her feel better but I don’t want to step on her feelings. There’s going to be 4 cute, single girls at my party Saturday. It’s either going to be completely amazing, or I just created a perfect storm. One amazing thing that happened/I did today The kiss. I have waited years for this. Body/health I was kind of under the weather. I didn’t eat enough. When I was about to start cooking, the crush suddenly showed up. Mind/soul I’m not sure if I’m taking my feelings seriously and being introspective, or if I’m just being my normal dramatic, overthinking self. It’s sometimes really confusing to be me 😛 What progress did I make today? An amaaaaazing podcast episode. Clean, proper place where I can have guests over. Great social media management done today. And after years or wanting her, I kissed my improv crush. What went well today: The podcast episode. It was amazing. We were on fire. I’m so proud of our content! What I could have done to make my day better: Make more time to eat properly. Maybe I should meal prep or something. What I will do differently tomorrow: I’ll have more rhythm again so food and drinking water will be okay again. I clearly require structure to function. Goals: Survive work. Do my personal stuff sneakily in between. Go pick up the car from the mechanic. Plan the next days properly because I’ll need good planning to survive the prepping of my party. This is going to be an interstellar week!
  5. Phoenixking

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Day 76 Woke up at an okay time. There’s a couple of hours to go. I had to go represent my improv group at a culture festival. There’s all these groups that do theatre or entertainment or whatever. So it’s like an open air convention where people flyer like crazy. I wanted to be there fresh and fruity because I have something to prove. I’ve been out of the group for a year and I need to get back in their good graces to get some gigs and get back into freelancing properly. That ànd I would get to spend some time with my improv crush. She texted me, telling me she had gotten there early and was craving some coffee. Great way for me to start the day with a kind gesture! We hung out, joked around and got a little flirty as we do. It was a fun time. Afterwards we parted ways because of different schedules. I was texting with this random girl that wanted a second shot at a good impression. I was too nice to say no. She kept insulting my hair last weekend but also kissing me. Confused the hell out of me but afterwards I realized that I no longer have to do shit like that. If I don’t like it, I get to walk away and still feel happy. I no longer need anybody to help me feel good about myself! I ended up hanging out with her and stumbling into a wine tasting. Lucky me! Great wine. OMFG. She was okay company. But amazing. But okay. I just didn’t feel any connection so I’ll probably let it die down naturally. There are more fun people out there and my time is valuable. I would have never ever looked at it like this before I quit games. But now I have all this confidence. It’s like I’m convinced of the fact that I deserve good things and should not settle for anything less than amazing. I met up with some friends and went to see a free classical music show that floated on the water, went to a geeky themed bar to celebrate it’s birthday with free foreign booze and drank some Italian wine in a travel café. I had the most European night ever, I feel 😛 All in all, it was a good day. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I went into a favourite coffee bar of mine and it turns out they had a DJ spinning records that evening, and were organizing a free wine and rum tasting. Free drinks! Body/health I didn’t really eat all too much. I should be clearing out my fridge but I just didn’t make the time to cook. Mind/soul I feel like I’m more resilient and less inclined to throw myself at others to please them. What progress did I make today? I volunteered for my improv group. I cleaned my place properly and rearranged my furniture. What went well today: Being social. I dropped into a party where I didn’t really know anybody but I just went with it. It wasn’t amazing, but fun enough to last longer than expected. What I could have done to make my day better: Make more time to eat properly. And not hesitate to go out and buy something if I need it. What I will do differently tomorrow: Mind what I eat and also when. I need fuel and should respect my body. Goals: Sleep well and mind my voice. Tomorrow is podcast day. Have a warm, clean and open welcome for my friends/podcast buddies. Have a great episode. Eat properly.
  6. Phoenixking

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Day 75 Work was slow and unfulfilling. At least I have fun colleagues to chat to. They admitted they also try to get as much out of everything as possible. By that I mean taking things sometimes or printing things. I quit earlier and got on a bus to my grandma's, got her car, drove my ass back, changed into my retro outfit and left with my niece. It was fun! Great event! It was themed after the sixties! I'm glad I went with my niece, we laughed uncontrollably. I could have taken that nymphomaniac friend of mine but that would have turned out ... complicated. We went on rides, ate, drank, laughed, took pictures and had fun. We went to see a singer perform. Mainstream stuff, balads and pop. A singer/songwriter type dude. But it was gooooood! What a great performer! His voice sounded just the same as on the radio, that's some pure voice there! The bandmembers were in sync. It was overall just a really great performance. But the backing vocalist reminded me of my ex... The height, body shape, singing capability, hair... I could not unsee it! I tried but after a while I told my niece I was going for some air. I just took a walk and ended up at a coffee stand. Where suddenly a random gay dude starts talking and flirting with me! I was flattered. And he was fun and happy and positive and energetic. So I quickly forgot my troubles and got to know him and his friends. My niece came by to find me. It was just a fun bunch of people. He's really positive and fun. I'll hang out with him sometime. He works for a company that does PR and online marketing. I think I'll have to hang out with him sometime and learn some stuff from him. He told me he could set me up with some nice girls too. He apologized but I told him that I was okay with the flirting. I took it as a compliment. I'm not that insecure about myself and my masculinity that a guy hitting on me would make me feel uncomfortable. If he does something that I don't like or want, I'll just say it or stop him; duh! Overall, great evening!!! Fun stuff, memories, new people, free drinks and food. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I had a shitty moment and took some time for myself. Had an amazing latte and got to know a new friend ^^ Body/health The knees hurt a little but my arms are fine. Mind/soul I'm clearly not completely over the ex. But that's okay. What progress did I make today? I listened to myself and took a little walk when I needed some breathing room. Got grandma's car. Got home at a reasonable hour. Tested my retro outfit. What went well today: Having fun with the colleagues. The event in general. Apart from the job itself, it was a good day. I made a shake this morning so my energy was back! What I could have done to make my day better: Not eat french fries for lunch. It makes me sloooooow and slouchy. What I will do differently tomorrow: Try to get some chores done. That list needs to shrink. And maybe find a way to kill the bugs using a trap of some kind. Goals: Sleep well. Go to the culture event and help advertise our improv group. Flirt with my improv crush. Go home and be productive. Have fun at the party in the bar I frequent but not get wasted.
  7. Phoenixking

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Day 74 Work was odd. It was boring. And quiet. There was a general meeting so lots of coworkers weren't there today. This gave me a bit of leeway in trying to not do anything at all and secretly getting some chores done. I bought some trophees for my party yesterday so today I decorated them. I also had a loooong conversation over Whatsapp with the maid of honor from the wedding I went to. We really clicked to be honest. It was nice. I hope I get to see her soon. I also pranked my colleague. We have a prank war going on 😛 I covered her desk with post-its. Last time she sowed foam chips on my seat. I came home and had some quick food and got ready for Krav Maga. It was brutal. It was intense. I loved it. The warm ups already knocked me out. I was one of two beginners there. The other one dropped out midway. So I was in a room filled with people who knew Krav Maga, trying to hold my own. My inner masochist loved it. I learned how to escape from chokes and how to defend from simple straight punches and how to kick and deliver a good solid punch or two. And then the exercises started. Holy shit. I got out my new gloves and armor. One on one you were supposed to hit each other, no rules, but only at 10% of your strength. Fuck me. That 10% went up to 30-50% after the first couple of seconds 😛 That was intense! And these guys were buff! I loved it!!! Kicking ass and getting my ass kicked. Finishing everything with a respectful nod, implying everybody has control over their aggression. Amazing. Then I went home, had some food, watched Ultimate Beastmaster and now I'm going to try and tidy some shit up before going to bed. And there's this cute girl from my Krav Maga classes and she's coming to my party. She's even coming a bit sooner to try my homemade cheesecake! How cool is that? A month ago, there was no Krav Maga, no girl and no idea I could make a proper cheesecake! Heck! A couple of months ago, there wasn't even an apartment. It's crazy how life can suddenly change... One amazing thing that happened/I did today I was asked at Krav Maga, for the third time since I've started, if I'm sure I haven't fought before. I haven't! Such a cool compliment! I must have some sort of knack for it? Body/health It's going to hurt tomorrow. But I'm starting to love that. It implies progress 😉 Mind/soul Okay. I think next week is going to be véry stressful. But we'll just have to take things as they come. I think I'll sleep great tonight after the training session. What progress did I make today? Kicked ass at Krav Maga. Asked the Krav Maga girl to come taste my cake and she said yes. Decorated the trophees. Ate properly. Bought veggies and fruit for my shakes. Cleaned up a bit. What went well today: Krav Maga. Conversation with the maid of honor. What I could have done to make my day better: I had less focus because I didn't have my morning shake. What I will do differently tomorrow: Be more awake at work and try to get through my (personal) mails and check my B-day planning a tad. Goals: Survive work. Go pick up grandma's car. Drive myself and niece to cool event and enjoy it carelessly. Don't go home too late. Wake up early enough to get a good start.
  8. Phoenixking

    Journal

    Proud of you for getting help man. Some support and guidance can go a long way. I started all of this a year before I picked up the book with an addiction therapist. And now I'm finishing it with a job coach who's helping me set up my career. You're doing great, buddy. You got this. Sugoi desu!
  9. Phoenixking

    Journal

    Don't forget to relax too 🙂 This is a stressful and difficult period for you with lots of big things you'll want to tackle. Don't forget to blow off some steam once in a while 😉
  10. Phoenixking

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Day 74 So work was boring. What else is new? I did manage to get some stuff done though. I feel like my daily task at work is trying to not do what I'm supposed to go, get away with it and instead attempt to get my chores done or whatever's on my schedule 😛 Today I made some signs to put on my bathroom. It doesn't lock. So during my birthday party, I'll have to make sure people feel comfortable going to the toilet. So I made a little sign warning them of the lack of a lock and to make sure they knock. I also made reservations. There's this thing in my country next month. Every year they highlight culinary young talent. I'm talking up and coming chefs who are younger than 35 or something like that. Other young people, those under 30, get to go and eat at their restaurant with a huuuuge discount. It's crazy popular. There's an online queue of about 10,000 people! But I was able to score two reservations for two people! One time with my sister, and the other reservation is kind of blank right now. I'll need a date. My sister can't afford it, my improv crush is a vegatarian and my best friend is a really picky eater... But I'm sure it'll be fine. I have a month to find somebody! I also got some tickets to something cool. Via a coworker I got tickets to a fancy dinner and drinks in a crazy fancy hotel lounge (all free!) and after that there's a huge performance by some random person and the fucking London Philharmonic. And get this, it's a in a cathedral! It's a rare opportunity to witness something so epic! It's on my birthday, when I had planned to go snowboarding. So the Monday after my party. But it's worth it to move my day off around and go some other time. My best friend is coming. We're going Godfather! Suits and ties, fancy drinks and classical music. The boys on the town! After work, my coworker showed me some good shops to go and buy good but cheap food. I'll need that for the future. My shakes take up lots of ingredients and my party food required some specific ingredients. I'm grateful she's educating me like this. I also went to a secondhand shop to buy some crappy trophies. I'll hand them out at the party for the two best dressed people 😛 I made dinner, cleaned up a bit, sent some letters to my neighbours about the upcoming party and left for improv. My crush was there. But so was another new girl. She was waaaay cuter than the crush. And suddenly I realized how relative it all was. The crush makes me smile and makes me feel good and is flirty. But I'm starting to wonder if it's maybe just the attention I like. I deeply care about her wellbeing, sure. I'm just a tad confused. I'm new to this. I used to be super dependant on women to compensate for not loving myself. It's an odd experience to realize I have the option of not flirting. It's like it used to be compulsory. We keep texting though. She's a big fan of Japan and she's basically the only one I can think of who could understand the fun that is Gaki No Tsukai. So I invited her to come check it out sometime. I have no idea what'll happen. But if there's a spark, I'm going for it. At the very least it'll be fun and I feel like I have nothing to lose anyway. Part of me is still on the fence, though. I strongly suspect I might be a rebound. And I'm not so sure how I feel about that. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I got into two top restaurant for crazy discount prices. Body/health Arm hurts way less today. I look forward to next class 😛 Mind/soul Happy. Productive. The little bugs still annoy me. I'm always off doing something else instead of cleaning. Tomorrow will be the day I tidy up! What progress did I make today? Enjoyed Improv. Reservations. Minded my arm and my food. Cooked dinner. Bathrooms signs made. Sent the letters to the neighbours. What went well today: Enjoying improv despite being totally rusty. The reservations getting done at work. What I could have done to make my day better: I should try to get some more fruit for my blender. I think I'm out right now. I should have a talk with myself again about the whole girls thing. I'm reading about values and what things are good and bad for your soul. Self-respect is pretty high up there and I think chasing after girls might be a tad too superficial to sacrifice this current joy for. What I will do differently tomorrow: Mind my food a bit more. Try and bite through laziness or lethargy a tad more. Goals: Survive work. Enjoy Krav maga. Clean up the place. Mind what I eat.
  11. Phoenixking

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Day 73 Work was boring 🙂 Nothing special happened. I stuck to my chores today and shit is getting slowly done. Slowly, sure. But bit by bit we'll get there. I got some help from a colleague, she helped me plan out all of the prepping and cooking for my bday ^^ Krav Maga was nice! Felt relieving. But I kind of hurt my wrist. Two more people asked if I had done something similar in the past already. I dropped off my car, hopefully the repairs won't be easy. There's bugs. I hate bugs. I had a bunch of grapes and bugs started eating them and now they're everywhere! XD They even followed me to work! I talked to my aunt and my grandma about the whole Mom situation. I shared everything with them and asked for their advice. I told them that I had invited her despite it all but I want to take it back. I don't trust the entire thing at all. There's going to be a messy conflict that ruins the day and I'm not taking any chances. I've worked hard to be where I am and I'm not letting something like social conditioning get in the way of that. I'll talk to my sister soon to ask for her advice. I feel like I should properly explain myself to Mom why I'm revoking the invitation. I'm going to properly show why I don't want them here that day. It'd just be too much and I don't trust them to behave. In the end my grandma and aunt were amazed at how well I am nowadays. There were caring and loving and expressed how proud they were and how happy and relieved they were to see me become this capable and balanced person. I felt so loved and happy to hear that. Those two deserve statues. It feels good to be able to love and accept yourself. One amazing thing that happened/I did today A colleague asked me out. She's no model but she's okay. It's an amazing black tie, luxury event, free fancy food and drinks and a performance by the London Philharmonic in a huge cathedral. Bit of a catch, it's on the day I had planned to go snowboarding. I'll just move the day, I guess. A philharmonic in a cathedral is worth it! Body/health My wrist hurts a bit. I'll see tomorrow if it's serious. I should mind how I punch at practice. Mind/soul Proud. Happy. Relieved. All good 🙂 What progress did I make today? Dealt with my stress and chores. Made a proper planning. Got the car to the mechanic. Went to practice. Talked to grandma and aunt about Mom. Arranged the party more in detail. What went well today: Being positive and happy. I was singing all day through the office. And spending time at the office arranging shit, like my chores 😉 What I could have done to make my day better: Stress less about all of these girls. I should just try to have no expectations at all! Just respond and act and not overthink shit ^^ What I will do differently tomorrow: Let go of the overthinking when I see my improv crush and just have fun and joke around. Goals: Survive work. Send letters to the neighbours about party and noise. Do some more chores. Go to improv and let go of everything and just enjoy and make jokes!
  12. Phoenixking

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    I made a little schedule. I accepted I don't have enough time to do everything. And though it sucks, I can't change that. Now I just try to finish the schedule as much as I can. So it's better now 🙂 I tried looking at them as goals and less as chores. Because when I complete one of them, I feel good again. So it's basically a list of stuff to do that'll make me feel good 😛 I did. We had a great conversation and she cooked and gave me some soup to take home with me ^^ bless her. I will! I look forward to finally feeling funny again and being in front of a crowd. I have been doing improv for a while, there's always 1 heckler. But you just go with it. I did comedy for about a year and it's not so bad. You learn to deal with it, to be honest. You kind of have to put them in their place to maintain your authority as a performer. If the heckler wins, you lose and you're done. BUT! If you come up with a funny response, you get double points. So it's less of a heckler, and more of a potential bonus level! 😄 Thanks for that last bit of advice. When it comes to women, I need to take a chill pill. I've literally been texting 6 of them all day. It's insane. But the attention is nice and I don't feel like I'm being somebody I'm not, I'm not sacrificing anything that's valuable to me or anything that I'd see or experience as bad. So right now, I'll just go with the flow. I hope something happens with the improv friend, but if it doesn't, that'd be okay.
  13. Phoenixking

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Day 72 I'm a bit stressed out, to be honest. It's like there aren't enough hours in a day sometimes. My chores keep piling up. And I'm so tired! I told myself to go to sleep early today. But it annoys me that I'm not able to clean any more or prep for my birthday party more. And because of my new hobbies and busy schedule, there's lots of things that I can't do. I really want to go to Krav Maga twice a week. There's improv now too. I think I might be planning a bit too much. Maybe I should plan some chores or something. The stuff I plan, get done usually. Anywho! I'm going to try and let all of that go now. I'll see what's truly important, plan ahead and just make the best of it. There's lots to do, being tired won't kill me and I can't increase the hours there are in a day. I'll just have to accept all of that and try to adapt. So work was boring. What else is new? After seeing my ex-colleagues at the wedding last weekend, and after the meeting with my job coach, it sparked something in me. Clearly my passions will lead me elsewhere. It's exciting! But it also creates a lot of contrast with what I'm doing nowadays. I'm starting to find it véry hard to care about my work. I just half-ass things sometimes and nobody bats an eye. Easy money, I guess. I'll try and get some stuff done from my chores at work. It'll save time, give me a sense of accomplishment (and a bit of adrenaline and excitement because it's frowned upon) and it spruces up my day a bit. I called my mechanic. I'll have to drop my car off tomorrow after Krav Maga. My grandma told me she'd help me get home. It's a tad annoying it needs fixing. It throws a wrench in some plans because my mobility is affected. I hope the repairs aren't too expensive. But it's a great opportunity to see grandma again. I've let the whole Mom/Birthday thing die down a bit. I'm going to call my sister one of these days and ask her what she thinks. But I'll ask grandma for advice. It's her daughter after all. She thinks I should respect Mom more. But when I explain everything to her, you can see she starts to struggle with her beliefs. If a loving woman like herself is caught in turmoil in terms of her own point of view, it means that shit's really hit the fan. I'm going to suggest not letting Mom come after all. After all I've seen and heard, I don't want that energy in my new home. I just hope they'll understand. After work, I went to the second-hand clothing store to pick up some fun new duds. My birthday is a theme party so some Old Timey things were in order. The theme is "Monocles and Tiaras". I told people to fill it in how they'd want to. I've heard some outfits being described to me. The pictures are going to be interstellar! As fate would have it, the improv friend was one block from the store. We've been texting. She'd been doing workshops and teaching and coaching. I am jealous of the fun shit she gets to do. Freelancing is amazing if you have a steady flow of work coming in. It was also a nice excuse to meet up for a bit. We only had about 15 minutes, but it was all I needed. I was unsure about her; I figured she went loco this weekend to compensate for her battle with cancer and het boyfriend dumping her. I saw a smidge of sadness in her eyes, she came across a little insecure but sincere. We both initiate conversations, we crack wise. It's nice. I'm trying not to fall for her, though. I don't want to end up hurt again. But there's something about her I keep wanting to explore. I keep wanting to talk to her. I just want her to smile. I've always had a tiny crush on her. She's not a model, tough. Just average looking. But her personality and her mind? She's so interesting. I would come over waaaay too eager, but I would want to ask her out asap or invite her to my home again or whatever. I'm trying to simmer down a bit. I'm single and this is how I get: tunnel vision. I get a bit anxious because I know that I can easily slip into old bad habits and I don't want any broken hearts or hurt feelings. I've been texting with this girl I randomly kissed, she also insulted my hair. Well, I wanted to leave it like that. She kept texting. I guess I'm just curious what she's like when she's not drunk. And to be honest, she doesn't look bad. I could use a bit of a fling. I'm not emotionally invested and I kind of like that. I don't want anything serious. It's kind of nice to know I'd be able to walk away from her whenever it's just no longer fun for me. (Do I sound cold when I say that?) I guess there's all of this new attention from girls. I missed this. But I also know that this tends to make my head spin 😛 I'll have to stay mindful I finished the day with an improv meeting. About making a format and try-outs and stuff. I missed this. I missed the jokes and being funny and making other laugh. I'm going to LOVE getting back on stage. My first gig is in November. I can't wait! One amazing thing that happened/I did today I ran into another ex on the street. Dang, she looked gooooood. I was able to 'steal' 15 minutes with my improv friend. She's so cute. There might be a little crush brewing. Body/health A bit tired. I should go to sleep early tonight. Mind/soul Lots of exciting things going through my mind. All positive. And a bit of stress. I try to focus on the former and deal with the latter. What progress did I make today? Made dinner. Improv meeting. Let go of chores to go to sleep properly. Arranged car stuff. Talked to coworker about mom and the improv girl. What went well today: Putting my butt to work and making dinner. Shopping for clothes. Waking up despite fatigue. What I could have done to make my day better: Do more, dawdle less. Got shit to do, places to be. Shit. But also be mindful of my bad habit of putting too much pressure on myself. What I will do differently tomorrow: Try and make a realistic, proper planning of all the chores and that will destress me. Allow the crush to be what it is and not fret about it. Enjoy it even! Goals: Get some Krav Maga done! Make that chores list at work. Get the car to the mechanic. Talk to grandma about Mom and maybe call the sister.
  14. Phoenixking

    Dear Diary...

    Good insight. You should probably take it slow for a few days. 🙂 Oh! This might help give some insight, if you feel like giving it a read. https://markmanson.net/feedback-loop-from-hell
  15. Phoenixking

    Dear Diary...

    That's relieving to hear. Find a way to get some pressure off of your cooker 😉 you'll burst if you don't man. It's you who showed me that I needed to chill out a bit and be a bit more kind to myself 😉 I'm here man. You got this, friend.
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