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If you do it every day before bed, it's a habit and you crave it because you're used to and your body knows the routine. Just another habit to get rid of I guess... 

I'm sure you'll find a woman you like. You're handsome, you're well-rounded, happy and cheerful man, and you know what you want, it's going to be okay. 

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7 hours ago, Vera said:

If you do it every day before bed, it's a habit and you crave it because you're used to and your body knows the routine. Just another habit to get rid of I guess... 

I'm sure you'll find a woman you like. You're handsome, you're well-rounded, happy and cheerful man, and you know what you want, it's going to be okay. 

I agree. I'm just going to be patient with it and keep following my own advice. It has worked before and by modifying it it will keep on working. I appreciate the kindness and support!

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Today I learned a great lesson in self respect. Somebody really hurt my feelings this year to the point where I was severely depressed. This was not someone in my family. It wasn't necessarily their action that hurt me. It was just the idea that their conceited narcissism was so sinister and surprising that it sickened me to the point of confusion, hatred, and utter disgust.

It took me months to get over this.

I was shopping at the mall today and saw something at the store that this person was looking to buy for years. I saw it and I even purchased it. It wasn't expensive. It was just a rare find. On the ride home I considered giving this to the person. Then I realized how much pain they'd caused me. How angry I was and how pathetic I'd be to just be getting this person a gift. How could I possibly disregard myself like this? It's because I constantly do little things like this to either make someone else happy in hopes of them making me happy. But in that moment I don't make myself happy, and make someone else happy in hopes of them making me happy.

Why would you make someone a meal in hopes they make you a meal when they ruin your food source and leave you nothing? Why not make the food for yourself? That's what I faced. Well that's not what I'm doing anymore. 

It's decisions like this that will keep making me stronger.

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I also watched American History X tonight for the first time. What a powerful movie. It made me sad about my own anger I've been working on improving. I no longer hate things anymore. I've never been racist or hateful like the main character in the movie, but I have been hate filled towards people who have hurt me. Hate and anger is such a burden. 

I've really improved on my anger over the past 4 months and it's changed me. I feel so sad sometimes about that anger sometimes. I've learned anger is a coping mechanism for overcoming sadness and pain. I have embraced this to learn about myself and am happy about it.

 

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I've been very frustrated lately. Some projects at work lost budget but I still have to work on them. They're taking too long and slowing me down on other projects with actual budget. I'm almost done though. 

I'm also registering for a huge exam that will make me a professional engineer. People can say they're an engineer, but you're not actually a real engineer until you get a minimum of 4 years experience under a licensed engineer and pass an 8 hour exam or a 16 hour exam. It takes a few weeks to submit the application to take this test and it's due December 1st. I'm stressed about it, but realistically I'm on pace to have it submitted by the end of next week. 

I told my dad not to message or call me while I'm doing this and he's messaged me every day and even messaged me 10 minutes after telling me he would not. 

He's a pathetic, lonely, self absorbed asshole. I'm starting to regret giving him another chance. I stopped replying to his messages today. I have told him in text and over the phone multiple times I cannot talk and he just keeps messaging me or calling me every day multiple times. 

I don't even reply because he just wants a conversation. He can talk to you for 6 hours straight because he loves talking about himself and even gets angry if you don't talk about things in his life. It's getting on my nerves pretty badly. 

Most people you can say a quick response and they won't try to have a conversation with you because they know you don't want to talk. I can't give a quick response because he keeps messaging me. 

Lonely people don't bother me. Narcissistic, selfish, lonely people bother me. 

He even says he can't talk on days when he's busy. It's a world that revolves around him and I'm losing patience fast. The busier I say I am the more he talks. 

He wants to talk every day for hours and gets mad at me for having hobbies and activities saying I need to relax. Yet he calls and texts everyone all day. He has no life. It pisses me off. 

I'm not having empathy for him because he abused my mom and me for 30+ years. This is the last chance. I didn't talk to him for 8.5 years and I'm about to break communication after just 5 months. 

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Hi

I am so sorry about your Dad. He is clearly disrespecting your boundaries, it’s so understandable that you are frustrated! You have an amazing ability to hold space and truly listen to others... I am so sorry your dad is taking advantage of this. 
 

Good luck with preparing for your exam! This must be an amazing step in your career! Be proud of yourself for having the courage and tenacity to exceed in all your goals. 
 

Thank you for sharing your journey. I hope you have a really great day!!

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It's okay to block the abuse Matt, if even for a little peace of mind. Finding that peace of mind is not so much a right but a responsibility only we can exercise in our own lives. Sorry to hear about narcissist family problems I identify with that strongly, I have information to help cope if you would like to DM. Holiday season is likely to exacerbate any tension that is there.

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4 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi

I am so sorry about your Dad. He is clearly disrespecting your boundaries, it’s so understandable that you are frustrated! You have an amazing ability to hold space and truly listen to others... I am so sorry your dad is taking advantage of this. 
 

Good luck with preparing for your exam! This must be an amazing step in your career! Be proud of yourself for having the courage and tenacity to exceed in all your goals. 
 

Thank you for sharing your journey. I hope you have a really great day!!

Thank you so much. I appreciate the kind words. I'm going to talk to him at some point, but I made sure to ignore him yesterday and he got the hint. He won't message me today since he's with his fiance. But tomorrow I will strike and explain he's not respecting me. I want to make a point that I only want to talk on the phone maybe once a week or every two weeks. I don't like talking to people who annoy me. I just cut them out as soon as possible. Life is too short for a disgraceful situation to bog me down.

I think I'll be done with my application next week and move forward from there. I'm very excited to develop my career even further. I enjoy what I do although it is difficult. I just enjoy critical thinking and being with intelligent people all day. We'll see what happens!

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2 hours ago, goodvibes said:

It's okay to block the abuse Matt, if even for a little peace of mind. Finding that peace of mind is not so much a right but a responsibility only we can exercise in our own lives. Sorry to hear about narcissist family problems I identify with that strongly, I have information to help cope if you would like to DM. Holiday season is likely to exacerbate any tension that is there.

Thanks, Neil. I'm gonna see what happens after I talk to him next. I feel like he is disrespecting me and it annoys me. I don't like when people bother me when they should know I don't want to talk. I'm direct enough for people to get the hint. I'll let people know I don't like them and end it on the spot.

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This is a very long post, but I'm also going to save part of it as I think it's a very keystone moment in my life regarding porn addiction.

Today I am 56 weeks free from video games. The amount of stress from that wedding, friends, family, work, and my career aspirations has left me chasing porn again. It's frustrating. I haven't had time to even go grocery shopping in the past 3 weeks. I've been eating rice and vegetables at night, oatmeal in the mornings, and some kind of takeout for lunch.

Too many people are hounding me. My birthday ran through the middle of this and then people are trying to steal me for their Thanksgivings. I go from having nobody from my family talking to me for 11 months to everyone harassing me to attend their Thanksgiving dinners and tell me their drama. None of them ask how I am doing or what I am doing. It's odd, but predictable. I have to cut my thoughts there because it can be so easy for me to go down a rabbit hole and say all people are selfish monsters who crave attention and don't care about others. Instead, I just recognize the people who do this (my family, some acquaintances, a stranger here or there) and know that I don't want association with them and move on. Before, I'd try to breakdown their thought processes to truly discover the root of their cry for attention and try to make them seem pathetic. That takes time and energy and often leads to anger problems and preconceived notions. That is how hate culture develops. Therapy has taught me how to recognize the development for hate and end it. My soul and heart are much happier and lighter now that I just move on and focus on the good and my own dilemmas first instead of others. This allows me to then help others who need it, like people on this website or the few I choose in real life.

Today I'm going grocery shopping and trying to get ingredients for vegan meals. I feel much better when I don't eat meat. I have more energy and do not get tired after meals. I think that might be the one good thing out of not really eating much variety the past few weeks. I'm also going to finish my application for this exam today so I don't have to worry about it next week. I can just finish it, get my references to send their recommendations for me, and move on to other things.

I am seeing a handful of friends tonight to have fun and celebrate my birthday a week late. I haven't had fun in weeks aside from watching hockey here or there. That's not going to cut it. I have the mindset to keep trying to progress in life and sometimes the best moments are just being stupid, laughing, eating food, and being with my friends. It's been too long since I was casually with friends. I haven't rock climbed in 2 months and haven't seen these friends in maybe 3 months.

Last night I watched a documentary on porn amateurs. There was no sex involved. It was more explaining how amateur porn stars join the industry in hopes for a new life, get abused and mistreated a few times, and then their career ends. The women only get booked for several shows during a 1-3 month period and then have to resort to niche/fetish films for a few months until they aren't used there either. The industry is fixated on trying to introduce more "new" women so viewers don't get bored or tired. People want consistent new women because seeing a new mate increases dopamine levels higher than the same mate. Viewers chase that "high" from the dopamine rush and fall into the same system again and again. 

This documentary highlighted a few women who started and ended their careers in a few months to show what "the same woman" goes through when she is coveted and when she's ignored by the industry, fans, and viewers. It's sad and helped humanize the industry more. It helped me not watch porn for the first time in 7 days. I can kick this habit. I know I can.

The reasons why I'm failing porn addiction rehab:

  1. I absolutely love the idea of sex. I've been obsessed with it since I was maybe 5 when I saw my first porn movie. My dad was watching it and I had never felt so good in my life. I'm 29 now and have been watching porn for 24 years or 83% of my entire life. That's insane.
    1. Issue is I'm not meeting women in real life to actually have sex. I'm just hiding in my house and watching fake things on the internet alone.
      1. The issue with this is that what I just said is pretty disgusting anyways. I should meet a woman for hopes of friendship, love, companionship, or just community in general. 
    2. Porn has not only taught me to adore meaningless sex, but make me feel too comfortable being alone in my home to watch it.
      1. I honestly get anxiety with women on dates after the first few dates because I'm afraid to actually engage in sex. I'm insecure because I haven't had sex in 9 years. I'm afraid they'll think I'm bad at it and ashamed that I'm so lonely and haven't had sex in that time. It makes me feel like an outcast or rejected failure from society. It's ironic because I'm good looking, very popular at work and with friends, and do get attention from women. I just don't let them in because I'm afraid of them seeing me as weak and pathetic when I put on this exterior show of strength, confidence, and self appreciation.
      2. The only way I feel better is numbing it through watching porn again.
  2. I'm lonely. 
    1. If you read my posts on here or have received help from me on this website I'm pretty sure you would agree that I'm compassionate, understanding, and emotionally knowledgeable. I care for others and am a great listener. I have a great career, many interesting hobbies, fun interests in life, a funny sense of humor, am good looking, and not an evil person. So why am I single? 
      1. As mentioned above I am extremely insecure about a woman I develop feelings for understanding that I'm insecure about sex even though I crave it so much and know I'd be good at it again. I was great before and I can do it again.
      2. Trust. I don't trust people at all. Both of my parents neglected me and abused me mentally over different periods of my life. So did most of my family except for 1 set of aunt and uncle. But they have moved on from me since the birth of their own child 17 years ago. I used to see them every weekend and it would make up for what my own parents lacked in treating me right. Once that happened I became severely addicted to video games and porn to find emotional comfort.
        1. This has lead to abandonment and trust issues. I honestly think any woman I fall in love with, or any friend I get too close with, will leave me and I'll have to start all over again. I've lost multiple best friends in my life. My first best friend got addicted to cocaine and became hospitalized for life, my 2nd and 3rd best friends became alcoholics and burnouts and were never the same, and my most recent best friend from college got a girlfriend and just talks to her and doesn't talk to any of his friends anymore. 
        2. The only women I've ever dated have tried to really hurt me. They manipulate me, lie to me, use me for sex, and hurt my life trajectory. They have actively shown interest in me and then immediately shown sexual desire with me. Once this happens they hurt me emotionally after and try to make me chase them around. What I mean by this is they'll lie about someone in life hurting them and then when I ask them what happened they don't respond. I then have to keep calling or texting to see if they're ok. I give them much of my emotional attention and stress me out for hours, days, or weeks to help them. This makes me neglect my own duties in life and was hurting my school and work performances. It made my sleep go away because I was constantly worrying about their well-being over mine. Then they approach me with all of their effort to have sex with me and try to seduce me. There was no transition here from sadness to happiness. It went from turmoil to sex. It made me believe the only way to fix a broken relationship is with sex.  They just used me to tell me their problems, manipulate me to hurt my feelings if I didn't do everything they'd say, and then use sex to control/reward me. It has made me so afraid to have sex with a woman or even get involved with them. I'm actually crying writing this paragraph. I feel so terrible and hid from this in video games and porn. Why am I such a target for this? I haven't dated in 9 years because I was a target of this 4 straight times. I don't trust women at all. 
          1. The way I go from depression and sadness in life and use porn to deal with it is a direct result of going from a bad place to a better place by them throwing themselves at me for sex after they abused me and put me in a bad mental place. This makes sense now as I read it back. It's the only mechanism I instinctively know now to make me feel better.
        3. I'm tired of putting in effort. I'm tired of trying to make new friends or girlfriends because I think they'll either leave me or hurt me. It prevents me from getting close to people. I'm afraid my family will use me, my friends will leave me, and a girlfriend will abuse me. Porn has been the only safe place for me to have a sexual life without being hurt by others, but in turn has hurt me as well by isolating me and lowering my dopamine levels.
  3. Stress Relief
    1. I feel there are two kinds of stress in life: long term and immediate. I don't know how to deal with immediate stress.
      1. Long term stress: This is the kind of stress that can be cured by eating right, going to the gym, sleeping properly, having a routine schedule, and having hobbies, etc. It's just the wear and tear of life with jobs, people, etc. Having a healthy lifestyle can eliminate this stress from your life or just help you better cope with it. A healthy life can reward you enough on a daily basis to not crave escapism or bad feelings in order to feel better and get a reward.
        1. When life gets too overwhelming I subtract these daily activities to make time for urgent commitments. As my daily reward base goes down (not eating 3 meals a day, not sleeping enough, not socializing) I start to crave porn as a pick-me-up to feeling better. This is how long term porn usage of 1-3 times per day starts to develop.
      2. Short term stress: This is where I fail. This is the kind of stress where someone does something very cruel to you immediately and you can't get it off of your mind. You're distraught, angry, uncontrolled, and raw in the moment. You deal with it by punching something, yelling, defending yourself, running fast, or going to get ice cream, playing a video game and swearing at people, angry sex, having an alcoholic drink, or watching porn. It's an immediate release of something bad that has happened.
        1. I don't know how to deal with this. If I live a happy life I will get stressed and watch porn once or three times a week to deal with this stress. Could I sing in the car? That might hurt my vocal chords. Could I tell jokes and do a comedy style of writing? That's a good idea. Just find a way to take what life has given to me an abstractly draw it in such a skewed and funny perspective that it brings light to the situation while explaining why I feel the way I do.

I think now is the time for me to get focused here. I want to keep living my daily life with healthy life styles, but start to heal emotionally from the sexual abuse I received in relationships. Men can be sexually abused by women just as much as women can be sexually abused by men. People are evil, but people can also be good. I want to develop a strategy with my therapist to overcome this abuse and find trust and happiness with other women.

Thank you for reading

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Don't you ever forget that you should primarily focus on yourself. If I put the pieces together correctly, you were angry about going to one shut-in's wedding, so you didn't want to come, but you went there anyways in the end. I don't know if someone convinced you or if you convinced yourself, but you added it to the "stress" pile. Ultimately, you did it AND feel bad (stressed) about it, which was the worst of all 4 possibilities.

I was guilty of this in the relationship with my ex. At the end of it, I basically derived all my identity from her (and gaming) and I'd mostly budge. It's what I've been conditioned to do. Be quiet and don't cause trouble. If you have to become an addict for it, we don't care (nobody said this to my face though). I consciously began my battle against all the "nice guy" beliefs I have ingrained in my behavior.

It's also part of the reason I am moving in a few weeks. It sucks to write it, but I know I am consciously dismissive towards my father and I seek only the bare minimum level of interaction with him. I'm not hostile towards him, but whatever more important role he had in my life, it's time had passed. I'm sorry if your father chose the even more repulsive way of trying too hard to get your attention.

As for porn, it's good that you're kicking the habit. I can't think of an excuse to using it, other than being genuinely curious about variations of sex, but for that you'd need a girlfriend already anyway. I'd say it's the worst way to deal with your sexuality. 

The killer issue is the sexual drive/masturbation balance. It would make sense if there was a balance point between behaving like an eunuch and being a guy who grabs women by their butts constantly. I consider sex to be integral to a relationship; it has to be there, even if "just" for the procreation. I think your therapist might help you straighten out the sexual anxiety, as well as your trust issues with women.

Short term stress is also an interesting issue for me; I often don't even notice that I am treating myself below the norm. I try to escape from my problems through masturbating more often. My meals are inconsistent/I am not hungry. It helps me to realize that some sort of a rejection/failure is not the end of the world, that this couple of days just happens to suck, but that I'm overall doing well.

Keep working on yourself and participating here! 🙂

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17 hours ago, Ikar said:

Don't you ever forget that you should primarily focus on yourself. If I put the pieces together correctly, you were angry about going to one shut-in's wedding, so you didn't want to come, but you went there anyways in the end. I don't know if someone convinced you or if you convinced yourself, but you added it to the "stress" pile. Ultimately, you did it AND feel bad (stressed) about it, which was the worst of all 4 possibilities.

I was guilty of this in the relationship with my ex. At the end of it, I basically derived all my identity from her (and gaming) and I'd mostly budge. It's what I've been conditioned to do. Be quiet and don't cause trouble. If you have to become an addict for it, we don't care (nobody said this to my face though). I consciously began my battle against all the "nice guy" beliefs I have ingrained in my behavior.

It's also part of the reason I am moving in a few weeks. It sucks to write it, but I know I am consciously dismissive towards my father and I seek only the bare minimum level of interaction with him. I'm not hostile towards him, but whatever more important role he had in my life, it's time had passed. I'm sorry if your father chose the even more repulsive way of trying too hard to get your attention.

As for porn, it's good that you're kicking the habit. I can't think of an excuse to using it, other than being genuinely curious about variations of sex, but for that you'd need a girlfriend already anyway. I'd say it's the worst way to deal with your sexuality. 

The killer issue is the sexual drive/masturbation balance. It would make sense if there was a balance point between behaving like an eunuch and being a guy who grabs women by their butts constantly. I consider sex to be integral to a relationship; it has to be there, even if "just" for the procreation. I think your therapist might help you straighten out the sexual anxiety, as well as your trust issues with women.

Short term stress is also an interesting issue for me; I often don't even notice that I am treating myself below the norm. I try to escape from my problems through masturbating more often. My meals are inconsistent/I am not hungry. It helps me to realize that some sort of a rejection/failure is not the end of the world, that this couple of days just happens to suck, but that I'm overall doing well.

Keep working on yourself and participating here! 🙂

Thank you! I knew it was going to be a bad wedding and I think it's a good example of the last time I'm gonna do a favor for someone in need that is just over the top. There are some favors that we all do for people, but this one was just so over the top and time consuming that it hindered me big time. I think it's easy for us to try to help others as it's such a key covenant to being a human in today's society (past century or so). It's even more difficult in your situation when you're so involved with a girlfriend or something. I fell into these traps with my ex girlfriends who purposely manipulated me into doing things for them at my expense and it just crushes you.

I think at a certain age you need extreme separation from your parents. I don't really believe in having a really in-depth family based off of my experience with my own family. I know there are some families who get along better than others and this does not apply to them. I don't think family is bad. I think many families are bad. In a perfect world I'd probably talk to my parents once or twice a month and never see my family. Since I'm a good listener and very intelligent everyone tries to tell me their problems and not hear mine. It's a perfect example of the clown who needed cheering up. He went to his doctor saying he's depressed and the doctor said he should cheer up by seeing the town clown perform. The clown told the doctor he was the clown. It's a funny little story of people not being much help. It applies everywhere. Even work where only a few people will stick around and do their job the right way.

I think our issues with masturbation, porn, and sex are more difficult than video games because we can be entertained by other things in our spare time. We can find ways to replace the need for playing games like social interaction, other hobbies, getting a job, etc. Sex is a need for all humans unless you're asexual. Nobody can refrain from sex and masturbation altogether. I fail to believe anyone can refrain for their whole lives. They crack at some point. Even churches with the sexual abuse issues going on for centuries.

It's just difficult to maintain control or healthily maintain urges. People want sex very often. Porn is such an easy way to put zero effort into sex while gaining the maximum amount of visual/sensory experience. So say you might only have 5-10 healthy urges during the week, you might actually get more urges now because you know how easy it is to obtain sexual content from the internet or something. It's quite the battle.

I'm going to experiment this week with long term and short term stress issues.

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28 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thank you! I knew it was going to be a bad wedding and I think it's a good example of the last time I'm gonna do a favor for someone in need that is just over the top. There are some favors that we all do for people, but this one was just so over the top and time consuming that it hindered me big time. I think it's easy for us to try to help others as it's such a key covenant to being a human in today's society (past century or so). It's even more difficult in your situation when you're so involved with a girlfriend or something. I fell into these traps with my ex girlfriends who purposely manipulated me into doing things for them at my expense and it just crushes you.

I mean, favor as it is it not a bad tool. For example, you drive your drunk friend home (now he owes you a favor) and he drives you home the next time and you are both happy you can trust each other. But I can relate to the idea of doing favors for my ex, and basically being emotionally blackmailed; I either got crammed into something I didn't want to do, "in the name of love" or had to deal with her anger. Favors only really work if you have a "scale" or keep track of them OR if you do them unconditionally and you already deeply trust that person.

42 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think at a certain age you need extreme separation from your parents. I don't really believe in having a really in-depth family based off of my experience with my own family. I know there are some families who get along better than others and this does not apply to them. I don't think family is bad. I think many families are bad. In a perfect world I'd probably talk to my parents once or twice a month and never see my family. Since I'm a good listener and very intelligent everyone tries to tell me their problems and not hear mine. It's a perfect example of the clown who needed cheering up. He went to his doctor saying he's depressed and the doctor said he should cheer up by seeing the town clown perform. The clown told the doctor he was the clown. It's a funny little story of people not being much help. It applies everywhere. Even work where only a few people will stick around and do their job the right way.

I enjoyed the time I was away from home. I did the math somewhere, but since I turned 19 up until now, I've been on my own more than in my parents' house. I'm quite hyped that I'll be on my own again. I'm okay seeing my parents every week/every other week for a lunch and a bit of chat myself.

I find creating a family is not too much of an issue. Setting good directions for it is. It seems to me like any Game-Quitter by definition needs to have (and discover) pathological patterns in their family over time of their journey. It's terrifying, but I see that with any Game-Quitter here, if they are willing to share themselves emotionally/psychologically here.

The clown analogy is a nice one. Being benevolently selfish seems like a good idea in this day and age.

1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think our issues with masturbation, porn, and sex are more difficult than video games because we can be entertained by other things in our spare time. We can find ways to replace the need for playing games like social interaction, other hobbies, getting a job, etc. Sex is a need for all humans unless you're asexual. Nobody can refrain from sex and masturbation altogether. I fail to believe anyone can refrain for their whole lives. They crack at some point. Even churches with the sexual abuse issues going on for centuries.

1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's just difficult to maintain control or healthily maintain urges. People want sex very often. Porn is such an easy way to put zero effort into sex while gaining the maximum amount of visual/sensory experience. So say you might only have 5-10 healthy urges during the week, you might actually get more urges now because you know how easy it is to obtain sexual content from the internet or something. It's quite the battle.

I think ejaculation is a need/process in a healthy male and period is a need/process in a healthy female. I'm not sure about females, but as a male, if you don't have sex/masturbation, you're gonna get a wet dream. I agree though that you can't get rid of the biology and that people are in trouble if they twin their biological needs with porn.

1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm going to experiment this week with long term and short term stress issues.

Good! Let us know what are your findings 🙂

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Lol I can't even make it 24 hours without porn. God damn. 

 

I think it's because I feel sick tonight. This stress has crushed my immune system and I caught this dumb cold. It's making me nauseous and I'm just frustrated tonight. I'm just relaxing tonight which is nice. I just hope I can go to work tomorrow so I can finish my work. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I hear ya. Once did solid month NF then couldn't for the life of me get past 48 hours for a week. I think stressors and cortisol regulation play the biggest part, cold would do it. Godspeed on recovery.

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Lol I can't even make it 24 hours without porn. God damn. 

 

I think it's because I feel sick tonight. This stress has crushed my immune system and I caught this dumb cold. It's making me nauseous and I'm just frustrated tonight. I'm just relaxing tonight which is nice. I just hope I can go to work tomorrow so I can finish my work. 

Caught a cold also a couple of days ago. It's tough being sick, tired, and sick of public transit and then on top of that have to find ways to take up my time that aren't the vices I've previously relied on.

Good you took the time to relax!

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I'm over my cold and I submitted my application for the exam. It was about 150 pages long so I hope it is acceptable. Most of these applications are this long so I feel comfortable.

I've been waking up without snoozing recently and want to keep doing this. I'm enjoying the fact that I'm sleeping better. I'm not feeling as lonely this week and feel relieved due to my workload going down. I'm almost done with 3 more projects at work and going to wrap up a lot of stuff soon. Things are starting to come together a bit I hope. I am gonna rock climb tomorrow as well for the first time in 1 month.

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I'm lonely tonight. People see my struggles with society. They know I'm different. I feel different from everyone else. I don't think I'll ever belong or find someone who understands me. 

I complained to my friends at the bar tonight about stuff and an older woman at the bar next to me said I'm one of the most intriguing people she'd ever met. Said my thoughts on life, people, and situations were unique, but I worry too much and am too negative about relationships both romantic and friendly. 

It's just another example of how different I feel. She said I think too much to try and understand everything and complemented my friend on not caring about stuff. Like, go fuck yourself, lady. I know I think a lot. I enjoy thinking. I enjoy breaking people down, studying them, analyzing them, and learning about them. It helps me help them and help myself. I've done it since a child when I was analyzing my family and wondering how the fuck I got into such a stupid life with them. I don't know anyone who is better at analyzing others because of it. I know my flaws. It doesn't make it easier to fix them. Just makes me more aware and more frustrated. 

I haven't met or talked to a single person who thinks as deeply as myself. It bothers me. I try to understand and help others and nobody returns that effort. It bothers me how self absorbed most people are. It makes me think it's not worth talking to people. Some people just repeat the same conversations around me like they totally forget or just want to hear themselves talk instead of talk to someone else. 

I feel that way about this website as well sometimes. I think I have 25,000 views on this topic and like 2 or 3 people talk to me on here. It's almost a waste writing on other people's forums since only a few actually respond. It's kind of like life. People just want to talk about themselves. 

I don't mean to be rude. I think I'm just looking for more. I don't like the way I look,I don't like my friends, family, hobbies, lifestyle, diet, sleep schedule, addiction to porn, most women my age I've been meeting, etc. There's nothing I do for fun besides watch hockey. I'm so fucking tired, bored, and empty. Video games gave me purpose and fun outside of work. Now I just watch porn like an asshole and then feel worse. My hobbies? Nothing. I do nothing. 

I just hate video games and most gamers so much now that I've been able to abstain. Gamers make me sick now. They make me angry. It's because I'm jealous they are playing and I'm not. They share qualities with me that I hate about myself so it angers me. I still feel just as pathetic as I did back then without the brain fog. It's been 58 weeks soon and I have no life still. I complain about the same shit as before and I'm still alone. What's the fucking point? Nothing in life excites me more than masturbation and video games. Tell me that's not pathetic and depressing. 

I've done a lot with my life professionally with my degrees, career, and intelligence. I don't question that or feel bad about it. It's the only thing I'm proud of and it makes me feel like a respected person. I'm just hollow behind that shell. 

I used to think people didn't ask how I was doing because I seemed to be in a good place. I think now it's either people don't care or people know I want real answers and problem solving sessions and know I'm a project and don't want to get involved. 

I thank the small few who speak to me on here. I don't understand how I get thousands of views and read nothing in response. Who is actually reading this?

I guess it doesn't matter. I like to journal on here and process my thoughts. I do appreciate the perspective from my friends like @Ikar on here. You are consistent and thoughtful. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Happiness has kind of turned into a blurred line for me.

I can't tell if I'm just tired. I started the week strong and got obliterated by work. I worked 50+ hours again and I've noticed it. 

I'm angry, getting resentful toward others, holding hate, not sleeping well, etc.

I don't have fun at all. It's just been such a stressful year and I think the only month I've been happy has been September maybe. 

I feel very empty. There's tears coming out of my eyes but I'm not crying. I'm just struggling a bit. I just dislike everyone and everything. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Today I'm 57 weeks free from gaming. I've grown very frustrated over the past few weeks. My weekends have been stolen from me and my nights squashed. My life has revolved around work. Not because of work putting too much pressure on me, but because all of my time has been vanquished from my control. 

I don't eat 3 meals a day anymore. I don't cook anymore. I haven't cooked in 5 weeks. I barely bathe more than once per week. I at least brush my teeth each day. 

I dislike many people and it festers within me on a minutely basis. People tell me to be more selfish. I hate selfish people. I don't want to become that person who only helps themselves, talks about themselves, cares about themselves, only speaks to you when it's convenient to them. 

It's funny that I'm told to do this in response to depression and loneliness. I understand why. I try to help others and just get a thank you. I get very little in return. I constantly feel like a pedestrian in every social circle. I hosted a birthday party for myself with my friends last weekend. How depressing it was. I was barely the focal point of conversation. Everyone was awkward not just to me, but everyone at the table.

I've noticed how detached all of my friends are. The typical conversation includes shows they watch and travel locations. Very weak for people who've been friends for almost 10 years. 

My family gets jaded when they reach out to me. I reach out to them and talk and it's just a boring conversation. They never reach out to me. I stop reaching out to them and they don't call or text. 

I complain to my mother about it after she tells me about drama in the family. I tell her I don't care about them because they don't care about me and never talk to me. A week later I get a phone call at work by my aunt. She leaves a voicemail saying she never knows which nights I'm free to talk because I'm so busy. Meanwhile, I'm at home doing nothing but watching porn and tv alone or trying to regroup for the next day. 

Even people on this website are frustrating to deal with. I write on like 10 to 30 people's pages. Only less than 5 talk back or post here. It pisses me off when I take 30 minutes to write a post and just get a "like". I just return the favor now. I feel like if you write something heartfelt and you're trying to solve a problem then I should help. So I write a post to help. It's funny when I just get a "like". There are only about 3 people who talk and are genuine that I've met here. 

But I shouldn't be angry. People are the same no matter where you go. 

I'm considering leaving this forum. I don't know if it's a waste to be on here anymore. I've actually quit gaming. I think I just post on here because it's an anonymous place to voice my opinions. I get hundreds of views each week on here and maybe 3 responses. Speak up. 

I also don't want some tough love response to this. I will belittle you more than you've ever been belittled in your life. Any person with common sense knows that I just feel lonely, empty, and a failure. I'm let down and don't love myself. I don't love anything. I hate people, myself, my family, everything. I don't care about hobbies. I don't leave my bed in the morning unless it's for work. I greatly appreciate work now that I know how important it is to me, society, and my colleagues. I cherish it. That's it. 

 

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@BooksandTrees no, you don't! And I'm not afraid of you, you won't belittle me more than my family does, so relax. 🙂

Is that normal for your work to take up all your time so you don't have time to bathe? Matt, your work schedule should be humane, you don't have to live at work and sacrifice everything to it. It is NOT good! You hate everything when you aren't selfish to take good care of yourself...

You're building your life around things that are out of your control and hating them because they aren't how you like them to be -> your life crumbles. Maybe you're just so tired that you don't want to stop and consider if it's worth your hate. And people don't notice your sacrifices 99% of the time so why bother when they do what they're supposed to? Do something for them out of pleasure, not because you want something in return. You're desperate for some kindness, not for thank you. 

Please, you need to, you must be good to yourself before you are good to others. Don't post at all if you want, leave the forum if you want, but work normal hours, bathe, eat, sleep, cook, do your hobbies, meet new people and be gentle (don't hate them because they're not perfect, don't take it personally). Make it into a fucking schedule, set is as wallpapers everywhere, write it on your mirror, but do it. 

 

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People are people, I think we can really click with a small percentage at any given time. Truth to be told, I don't even think that we need or can manage more than a few or a couple of genuine friends in our lives at the same time, so don't worry if you scanned through hundreds of people and only a few of them stuck. That's normal.

As for your IRL friends, if they are all like you described, you have to realize you made those friendships when you were addicted and that they might not give you what you need these days. You can try to confront them about what you think you need/want from your common relationship nowadays and see if they accept, but I'd expect most of them would just drop you. It doesn't make sense to keep phony going, if you think they are phony already.

Regarding the GQ community, people not responding to you doesn't imply that it's your fault.

At the beginning, I was worried a bit about spending too much time on GQ YT/forum. Later on, it sucked to lose some people I knew here as time passed by, but I can't imagine being THE deal-breaker for someone's addiction. In fact, if I was that, it'd be quite horrifying, because that'd mean I basically control the other person's life. This sort of thing is hard to justify even in the closest romantic relationship, let alone some random Internet forum.

Be smart with whom you support, if you expect serious feedback. Set yourself up for success.

@Vera above might have a point. I think you are becoming a workaholic. Work. Games. Drugs. Being a willow. If you invest yourself just into one thing too heavily, it will devour you.

I'm trying to apply the principle of "benevolent selfishness". As long as I don't end up consciously punching or screwing around someone too hard, I think I am good to go. As a former "Nice Guy", I had to become a bit more selfish, just because otherwise I'd end up being used all the time.

I think you feel angry, because you think you share yourself a lot more than others share themselves for you. Give less of a damn about others and more of a damn about yourself, because it's obvious you don't do that. Bathe, eat well... @Vera is again on point in this.

I love to see you are writing bluntly.

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Yeah, can't lie, have a bit of a forum addiction right now keep signing up for new ones, always burning time checking for replies. I may also be cutting out of here soon to focus on attending more online 12-Step meetings while writing in paper journal, maybe start a blog no one can respond to as a platform to scratch that itch to share my thoughts - if I do that I will leave a memo/link for sure. It feels good to share with a like-minded community but at the end of the day we all gotta think what is best for us, what is helping, what is not, time is our most valuable resource. No shame in stepping away if that is right for you, only you can know the answer to that. Life has this thing about helping us along to figure it all out. At least, for now, we know GQ is here for when we can use a little scrutiny to maintain our integrity.

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Thanks for the responses. I'm just in a very stressed out period for myself and I just need to get through it. There's just a lot on my mind.

Today has been a very stressful and depressing day. Nothing is really going right for me. I'm also getting frustrated that my apartment keeps shaking from faulty HVAC stuff. Tired of feeling nauseous for something out of my control. I just want to buy a house somewhere with few neighbors and close to work. 

I went to drive and meet with friends and got stuck in 3.5 hours of traffic. It made me so angry I just yelled for two hours about my problems until I could barely speak from the voice being weak from yelling. I am very exhausted now. I got a lot out of my system.

I took a shower and ate food.

I need a plan. Tomorrow I'm going to devise a plan for living life the way I want. I'm good dependent on others for happiness. I need to get back to my old schedule of waking up early.

Some things I'm going to experiment with:

  1. Sleeping from 10 PM to 6 AM or 9:30 to 5:30
  2. Gym or exercise for 30 minutes each morning
  3. Get food allergy tested (I almost died on Tuesday from my throat closing on food I ate and had to go to the hospital)
  4. Switch my diet to plant-based only as a vegan and meal prep with new meals
  5. Get back into rock climbing
  6. Only work 8 hours a day
  7. 30 minutes of yoga or stretching or walking after work to clear my mind
  8. Try to be more patient with exploring hobbies. I am just getting frustrated with the learning curves so fast into the hobby
  9. Only seeing people when I want to see them. I'm tired of doing things I don't like. I'm done with it.
  10. Learn about skin moisturizers and taking better care of my skin and hair
  11. Take showers after exercising to keep hygiene better
  12. Clean my apartment more often
  13. Maybe find some sort of goal for myself to achieve physically

These are things I'm going to stop doing:

  1. watching porn before bed
  2. masturbation before bed
  3. fixating on things I hate 
  4. depending on others for my only happiness. I must take pride in my life and appreciate it
  5. attempting to date. I can't handle that right now
  6. speaking with my family
  7. pleasing others instead of pleasing myself
  8. worrying about what other people think and my social image in their eyes seen through my thoughts (fake things since they don't care)
  9. Using self deprecating humor
  10. Going into the city. I need to stand firm with avoiding situations in the city with people and just remain firm when friends want to hang out in the city. They're losers if they like the city in my eyes. That's not my life

I can't think of anything else at the moment.

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