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Mhyrion

Mhyrions journey

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Great job being mindful of where your mental state was at and taking the extra time to sleep. That's been such a positive change in my life, to take a few extra hours when I need them to recharge. Amazing what kind of day you can have when you're intentional about being properly rested.

Sounds like some challenging relationship circumstances. Sending positive wishes your way, hope everything goes well for you both moving forward!

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I'm so productive this week. This is amazing. I am amazing. I also am too tired to take care of household things I'd normally do, I'll have to adjust my planning accordingly if I want to stay this productive for my study. I am out of socks now, clean ones anyway, but my study progressing at great pace. I've added this morning to work in the animation studio, to make some precomp material and clean up. After that I can edit and see the fruits of my labour. I've sadly haven't progressed on my treehouse sketches yet, so I can't discuss them with my tutor today. And I am also not sure if I have the material I worked on this week ready to show, so perhaps I can better reschedule meeting him till next week. We'll see. I am starting to feel a tiny wee bit overwhelmed, I haven't been away from home this much for a long while and I have less ways to relax/get calm/take care of myself this way. Something to be aware of today.

 

Yesterday evening I gave in to some instant gratification in the form of YT vids. I didn't finish a single one of em and quit after a half hour. I could've better done something else. Also dreamt about gaming again this night, but it's starting to get more... I dunno. It feels like it's more about bright colours and the surroundings of the game then the actual game and gameplay it self. I shouldn't dwell too long on it or I'll get nostalg…. Too late! Oh well.

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The support of you guys is priceless <3

 

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Yesterday wasn't as productive as it could've been. I went home early because I was done having people around me. Had another fight with hubby in the evening, I dunno what's in the air this week, but it's wearing me out to fight with him this much. It's pretty pointless too. He keeps complaining I should exercise more, but he never gives me credit for all the other stuff I accomplish in the meanwhile. Yes I failed to exercise again, it's just not something I am naturally interested in at all. It takes a lot of effort to keep doing it and I rather do something else with my evenings, like the social things I have picked up. I am pretty done with him expressing disappointment in me, I need support. At the same time, I really need to work on staying cool when he's not as supportive as I would like him to be, because I was super inpatient and got really mad. I need to stay cool to prevent the situation from escalating, my reactions at times are putting oil on a fire that's already hot. I rather prevent the situation as a whole, but it's not conceivable this will never happen again.

 

This morning I felt utterly unmotivated and I noticed I was in a destructive mood. Again(!) dreamt about gaming, only a different game this time. It was a Sims NSFW version, interesting things my brain fabricates. I tried to stay in bed for as long as possible, as staying in bed was a better option then the things my mind was thinking about doing. I haven't done anything productive till this point, but I also prevented myself from relapsing. I want to game so bad, but in essence I just want to hide. I felt strong urges to watch a gaming stream, but prevented myself. I got to the twitch page though, walking a fine line here. Instead I watched the 'what to do when you're about to relapse' vid of Cam. Lifesaver <3 It's pathetic that I still need that, but it worked. I did act on my destructive urges by eating way too much till the point of nauseousness, but that will pass. I feel like I've shattered this morning, but I can also see the pieces. This is interesting, because normally I would not have been able to see things this clear yet. Perhaps experience in reflection is paying off.

I am going to try and force myself to go outside in the sun. The weather is beautiful today. I shouldn’t care about being productive right now, I need to keep it together first.

 

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Weekly goals:

-Fully animate 1 minute 30 (~500/~1080 photos) Still a succes!

-Speak with both tutors (1/2) Failed to speak with the 2d.

-Finish a 3d sketch of treehouse (1/1) Succes.

-Give 100% to counselling

-preparation (1/1) Nailed it.

-counselling (1/1) Job well done.

-Continue being kind and patience with myself. Went pretty good I think.

-Update in Beyond. Slacking, let's do it today!

Edited by Mhyrion

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It is not pathetic that you still need the videos. There are so many triggers in this world that can remind you of gaming, and that is why I think that it is one of the hardest addictions to get rid off (maybe I am biased, but who cares? ;)). I'd rather watch a video every day that will help me, than that I will relapse.

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@Mhyrion Keep at it, I know that you can do it...You've been a great support for me throughout it all, through the good times and the bad ones. As @KevinV1990 said it isn't pathetic that you still need videos, this addiction that we're all fighting is a constant work in progress.

This journey is a long one but it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get there, but how you get there.  Not everyone completes their journey in the same way, or at the same pace. The important thing is that you keep fighting and clawing your way to the finish. No matter how many times you get knocked down, get right back up and keep pressing forward.

 

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I felt the need to process the weekend before starting the week, so here we are. The weekend has been great. I've been recharging my battery; taking it easy, enjoying the sun and nature blooming, relaxing with hubby and getting icecream together, reading, chilling with the cat, cleaning some. It was a very good weekend and I feel blessed that I can spend it in this way. Also, spring is the best season for me and I feel motivated to enjoy it to it's fullest. Going to kick ass this week. Yesterday evening we had the last Beyond call. It was awesome seeing how everyone has experienced it and grew as a person. Step 1 towards world domination complete. I think for me personally, it will be great to focus on counseling I receive from church, it has really propelled me forward the past weeks. It's really helping me process things from the past and get into alignment with what my faith stands for.

 

I am again on a 14 day game free streak, which is worth celebrating. I celebrate me. Who would've thought I was able to do that in so little time? I am worth celebrating. If I could, I would buy yall cake.

 

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Weekly goals:

-pick up swimming again (1/2)

-contact mediamusic student (0/1) (Cannot afford to screw this up!! Do it today! GO GO GO!)

-finish editing photographs (0/11)

-speak with tutors (0/2)

-fix window blinds together with hubby (0/1)

-treehouse sketches (0/10)

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Woot woot. Bit moodswingy today. I woke up pretty unmotivated. Well, madly unmotivated really. I spoke with one of my tutors yesterday, and even though he was mildly enthusiastic last week, this week his critique wasn't making me happy at all. He was basically suggesting I'd try something else then an animation and the current look of things. I was probably cringing in my face when I gave my most diplomatic 'I'll think about it'. I've been working on this for a long time, I am not going to switch now. That'll just give problems and oh, it's just generally a bad idea for any number of reasons. The only thing I agree with is that the whole thing needs a bit more humour, I probably need some help with that because I am not a funny person nor a writer. I am unhappy I haven't been able to convince him about the good in my product and the direction I am moving in. This morning I spoke with Hitaru about all this, basically thinking while chatting. And I came to the conclusion that I am going to do what I think best. Whether my tutor agrees with it or not, I believe in what I am doing. I take his critique seriously, but I am not going to overhaul the whole thing. If he misses the imagination to see where my project is heading, then he'll just have to see what it becomes. Meanwhile I'll work on making the project and product and a way to present it in a way it will be convincing. Working on confidence probably will help. Next time I want to stick to my guns instead of saying I'll think about it. There, determination really sparked. I realized I am fed up with where I am now. This whole graduation set up is not working for me. Working alone, being surrounded (unavoidable) by unmotivated people, being my own boss and employee at the same time, working on only one project at the time. I need to change at least 3 of those 4 after I graduate. And I really need to move on from the academy before I lose all enthusiasm for designing. Ha, while writing musicguy replied. Reinitialization of contact is a success!

 

I keep having game/relapse dreams. It's starting to frustrate me to have them every day. But it has learned me something, reflecting on it. In counselling we discussed regression, basically moving back to a past place which is less threatening and scary. What could possibly be less threatening then gaming all day, ignoring all feelings and responsibility? Being responsible for graduating, taking care of our home and cat, keeping contact with friends and family, this all can be perceived as threatening to me as there is a real option to fail with any of them. And all of these things bring forth emotions. Gaming is basically low risk, high 'reward', for my brains at least. That my whole life is falling to pieces is something I cannot overview while gaming/hiding in general. Or, basically:

 

sarahanderson.jpg

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Yesterday evening was so great. I should do every evening like that. I made burrito perfection (I can cook! Who would've thought?), chilled a bit with hubby while eating, did the dishes, skyped with friends and then went for a walk to return home at the perfect moment to head to bed. I didn't dream about games last night, I did however woke up from one dream about a very big spider and a couple of times more after/before that, so not the best nights rest.

 

I stopped making a to do list every day, because I kept beating myself up over not completing the list. Instead, a weekly to-do list gives enough support for me and feels more satisfactory. I also feel more free to adapt it if needed. If I have really important stuff I set an alarm for it. This seems to work for me. My current to do list is starting to look good.

 

Hubby and I still haven't found a good shared activity to do, which is bothering us both. We sometimes play board games, but that only goes so far. We watch a lot of series, but that's passive and we don't really connect over it. We have sex more (especially since I limited my braindead browsing haha), and that's great. But we both would like a relaxed, indoor activity for our evenings together. He had some miniature ships lying around, so we are going to try and build those tonight. I am not super enthusiastic about it, but I like building/creating things so perhaps it is enjoyable to me. It will at least give us the opportunity to work together and connect a bit. We'll see.

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Hubby and I still haven't found a good shared activity to do, which is bothering us both. We sometimes play board games, but that only goes so far. We watch a lot of series, but that's passive and we don't really connect over it. We have sex more (especially since I limited my braindead browsing haha), and that's great. But we both would like a relaxed, indoor activity for our evenings together. He had some miniature ships lying around, so we are going to try and build those tonight. I am not super enthusiastic about it, but I like building/creating things so perhaps it is enjoyable to me. It will at least give us the opportunity to work together and connect a bit. We'll see.

What about a jigsaw puzzle? I've seen some of those more complex ones framed when completed, which would make a great conversational piece when people visit!

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@giblets Jigsaw puzzle is a great idea, we will try it some time soon. Thanks for the suggestion.

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I am failing and it is (so, so!) uncomfortable. Shit. I basically didn't move today, only consumed food and series. I am not able to understand what is going on in my head. I tried to motivate myself, but failed spectacularly. I don't understand. My study is on track, I didn't have stressful social appointments today, hubby is in a good mood, I took decent care of myself, the weather was absolutely beautiful. Is hiding just for hiding even a thing? I noticed yesterday midday I couldn't focus anymore and felt less happy, couldn't sleep last night and today I barely got dressed. I am shutting off hubby, which is painful for both of us, but until I know what I am going through, talking with him will only bring confusion. I don't know what and how I am feeling, which makes me feel panicky when I do try to think about it. I hope I can sleep tonight, but I sincerely doubt it considering my current chaotic state. I am disappointed in me, I thought I had enough experience to not let days like this get so out of hand. I guess not. I am saying sweet motivational nothings to myself like ´focus on tomorrow´, 'you know you can do it' and I am só not believing myself it's a bit ridiculous.

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Don't feel bad about doing nothing for one day. Everyone has those days. 

If you want to get motivated again, then start with some little things, like writing about you needing motivation, and why. Watch some motivational videos, listen to music that often get you motivated. Motivation will start flowing inside of you again, and before you know it, you are motivated enough to tackle the big tasks/goals.

Also try not to worry about the things that already happened. They happened and there is nothing you can change about it anymore. So why worry?

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Well, that happened. I did nothing for two days. Finally got myself to go outside this midday, made me feel better. But it's interesting how I first have to go down kicking and screaming (and crying and crumbling) before I am able to get back to myself. Well, at least I feel better now. I wish it made sense to me how I felt the past two days, but frankly, it doesn't and I don't see any special cause that started this chaos. It rather sort of crept onto me, perhaps this dark side is changing tactics that I'll have to adjust to (if that makes any sense, it does to me in this moment). I have to work on this, although where to begin? Perhaps I'll get better with it as time progresses, the last bad day I solved pretty quick and I already concluded that was progress. I perhaps have misled myself by believing I would be able to deal with any bad day that followed in the future. I certainly didn't live up to my own expectations for that. Hubby finds all this very confusing but he's been super sweet none the less. He's great. I sometimes fear I am too much of a burden for him, he's working so hard and I fail to finish my graduation and even consistent day to day life. I swear I don't see how my sweet smile (it's there at times) and care weight up to that, but for him it does; and it makes me very grateful and thankful to have him as my man. We have bought a jigsaw puzzle that will be here a week or so from now, I really look forward puzzling with him.

Right, back to picking up the pieces. Youtube etc is once more banned. All systems need to be reinitialized. I should stop buying chocolate and cookies and sweets. (How many times I need to come to this conclusion before I actually act on it, I wonder?) I ate everything that was still left in the house. I also need to fathom a way for people not to gift us things like that, everything I ate yesterday and today was gifted goods. Come to think of it, most of it was gifted by my mom. Perhaps there's some secret plot going on to keep me the fattest child of the fam. At least she's one of the persons I can ask to stop doing that without coming across impolite and ungrateful.

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I am back to my good and happy self. My house is the cleanest it has been in weeks. Laundry is done. I love Saturdays, it's so satisfying to do all this stuff with immediate results. *happy sigh*

 

One of my facebook friends liked something from LoL, so it popped up on my timeline. I looked at it for a couple of seconds, then blocked it. It gave a strange sensation, I felt so drawn to it. Activated perhaps. Silly brain of mine, still reacting so strongly. I am on 21 days free again today, I want to make the 90 days this time. I need my brain to stop reacting to games so strongly, it's distracting. I got rid of a lot of my games, those on the laptop are all gone ofcourse. But I still have the PS2 and the Nintendo DS. I am not even sure if the latter is working anymore. But anyhow, why hang on to it? I am not going to play games anymore, and my favourite venoms I've thrown out already. I don't think the PS2 is worth money anymore, so it's basically just trash taking up my precious space. Also, ye olden tv screen we have in our room can go, we don't watch telly, the only reason we had it was to connect it to the PS2. I should make work of this.

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Today was great. Great service at church. Spend the midday together with hubby cycling and walking along the river. It was amazing quality time. I had a bit of an doubt meltdown over my graduation project, but after rubberducking with hubby I felt a bit better. I just need to finish this. I need to keep that in mind. Just finish it. I am done with slacking on my study. Bad days happen, but I need to pick up the pace now. 10 more weeks, pressure is starting to get on. In a month I have a major deadline, but I will be prepared. I am going to make a 10 week schedule tomorrow, to make sure I keep things timely and under control.

Edited by Mhyrion

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Mondays are the best days for my study. Achieved a lot today. I decided to rewrite my concept and convinced myself again of the greatness of my idea. It's really well worded this time around, I could sell it like this. I could pecha kucha it like this, for real. Now the images have to follow in this greatness. This week I will work on the tree house, have some ideas I want to make some more elaborate sketches of. Also I hope that the stop-motion teacher will have time for me on Thursday. This man makes stop-motions for a living (besides teaching here and there) and his work looks great; he has a lot of experience to offer me. My tutor is still being a pain in the ass however, thinking it's a bit too boring and conservative as far as the imagery goes. I have explained in him the ways I will improve, and I hope he will be sold once there's music with the piece. You really can't set the pictures apart from the sound. If all goes according to plan, I will receive the first piece of sound near the end of the week. I am excited about that. And well, if my tutor still doesn't see the great in my product, that's his loss. I can't please everyone and I don't think he thinks it's unworthy of graduating either, so there is no problem.

Hubby picked me up from the train station, so sweet. He made this great day even greater. Tonight I will proceed to make this day a total success by swimming laps and finishing some little to-do's. Yea, mondays!

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I have absolute terrible focus today. It's hard to be productive like this, but I've managed to put some work in. I think the lack of focus is caused by some nervousness for counselling this midday. It will probably be quite emotional considering the subject matter, and even though it's a safe place and all, I don't like the prospect of being so real with my feelings. However, it's going to be beneficial for my general emotional well being and understanding, so it's well worth it.

 

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Counselling didn't go so smooth. I fell silent after a while, knowing what I should or could say, should or could do, should or could feel, but I didn't say, do or feel those things. However (Lately, every time I type 'however', I am reading it in the voice of Tuvok. Really brain?), there was a bit of process so I am still happy. I can also continue to work on it at home. Slow and steady wins this race.. The session also completely exhausted me. It was an hour long, but it took the energy of the rest of the day. I got so tired I got into my hysterical laughing mode, which means all energy is basically drained but I am still awake and little, normal things might suddenly look very comical to me. Very. Comical. Also normal, easy things suddenly require all of my attention. I realized I wouldn't be able to cook, so I got this ready-to-go-lasagna; failed to open the package at first. At least the decision to not cook was sound, that would've been dramatic, hah. Needless to say, I went to bed early. I slept quite well, and I do not feel 100% rested, but I want to get some things done for my study because I haven't been able to yesterday and feel motivated to get some things done. I haven't spoken with tomorrow's tutor for two weeks now, which is all on me, I need to be there.

Also, I've committed myself to resting this midday. I keep crashing on Thursdays, so I figured (finally, or again?) that I just need to implement a break halfway through the week.

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Yesterday I took my rest. Went to a prophetic meeting in the midday and got invited to dinner. It's really nice to be taken care of, not having to cook etc. I really enjoyed it. When heading to bed I realized I was super nervous for the appointment of today. I woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night, but prayer calmed me down in each instance. I dreamt of gaming, but that's just what my brain does when I experience a lot of stress and anxiousness and it will eventually pass.

 

So, today I met the animation teachers. Teachers, because the one I had an appointment with immediately asked the other teacher to also come and take a look. I was nervous. I wanted to tell my whole story, but when sitting there with two new met strangers who also happen to have a lot of knowledge, I just cut to the chase and told them in about two sentences the subject of my project, audience and reason for choosing an stop-motion animation. After that we watched the storyboard together. They were impressed. They asked how I was going to solve a couple of things, nodded in agreement with my answers. I was baffled. I had expected them to be super unimpressed, having a lot of tips for improvement. I asked if I should not try to improve this or that, and they thought that what I wanted to improve was actually a strength and I should keep it that way. I thought that if my graphic design tutor were not impressed, then animation teachers, surely, would have even more to say about it. Instead, I feel boosted in my confidence now. This whole experience is such a boost for me. Sometimes I check with myself what past-me would've thought of my current experiences. If I would've told myself half a year ago I would ask -relatively- strangers for help while I wasn't forced to, I would've laughed at myself thinking I was making a joke. I do think I need to work on my confidence, it's unhandy and perhaps also unhealthy to need others to tell me what I am making/doing is good and on the right track. I also want to make the one negative voice of my tutor less important to me. I have so many people admiring/complimenting/liking what I do, but I keep getting confused and lost because of one negative voice. No more.

 

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Sometimes I check with myself what past-me would've thought of my current experiences. If I would've told myself half a year ago I would ask -relatively- strangers for help while I wasn't forced to, I would've laughed at myself thinking I was making a joke. I have so many people admiring/complimenting/liking what I do, but I keep getting confused and lost because of one negative voice. No more.

Zooming out to see this perspective of your growth is key. Sometimes when we focus on the micro details we forget that over time we've made far more progress than we thought.

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