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Mhyrion

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This has been one of the most productive weeks for me in... years. And I do not feel extremely tired or overwhelmed for it. 6 more of those weeks and my study is completed and done with. Instead of taking a break on Wednesday, I promised myself icecream during lunch break. Got some other students to tag along. (Taking initiative for icecream while 27 degrees outside, how to set yourself up for success :))) Icecream was all the break I needed this week, I was very productive and motivated afterwards. I also asked for help again this week, with immediate results in finding a voice-over actress with whom I will have a try-out next week.


Today is 10 weeks game-free. 3 more weeks to go to complete the 90 days. I'm considering what I want after it. I like my life without games, but I dislike not having a joined interest with hubby. We tried several things together, always one of us is incredibly bored or uninterested. It's frustrating. Whatever I decide to do, the games I used to play are off limits forever. We'll see. I am way too busy the coming weeks to get into something new anyway.

Also complimented another stranger today. Perhaps a new habit? It was spontaneous this time around and gave me a bit of a rush of.. adrenaline? Something. I surprised myself.

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This has been one of the most productive weeks for me in... years. And I do not feel extremely tired or overwhelmed for it. 6 more of those weeks and my study is completed and done with. Instead of taking a break on Wednesday, I promised myself icecream during lunch break. Got some other students to tag along. (Taking initiative for icecream while 27 degrees outside, how to set yourself up for success :))) Icecream was all the break I needed this week, I was very productive and motivated afterwards. I also asked for help again this week, with immediate results in finding a voice-over actress with whom I will have a try-out next week.


Today is 10 weeks game-free. 3 more weeks to go to complete the 90 days. I'm considering what I want after it. I like my life without games, but I dislike not having a joined interest with hubby. We tried several things together, always one of us is incredibly bored or uninterested. It's frustrating. Whatever I decide to do, the games I used to play are off limits forever. We'll see. I am way too busy the coming weeks to get into something new anyway.

Also complimented another stranger today. Perhaps a new habit? It was spontaneous this time around and gave me a bit of a rush of.. adrenaline? Something. I surprised myself.

Amazing update. Thanks Mhyrion! 

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Hello Mhyrion!

I'm glad you took responsibility for your studying! You're finally on a good way to finish the detox.

Also, I really like complimenting the strangers. This could be really awesome way to get rid of any social anxiety!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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@Cam Adair @hycniejsy Thanks for the support guys! You're awesome!

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80 days game free! And on my way to becoming a productive and functional member of society :P


Life has turned into a nice combination of super busy, productive weekdays and super relaxed, sunny weekends. One month and the show is on, gotta get so much shit done. It's been satisfactory, although there also have been high stress moments (when I wonder what the hell I am doing and how to proceed). Today I recorded for the voice-over of my animation. It was a bit awkward, but I am so happy I arranged an actress. At the end of the midday I will have another actress over at the audio studio, so I can pick what's best suited for the animation. It's a learning experience, which I enjoy very much. I needed to give more direction then I thought, but I like working together with other people. It's silly. I've been trying so hard to avoid  social contact the past years, but I am learning that making a project together with other motivated, creative people is so worthwhile to me. Sure, putting myself out there, asking for help, feels awkward and uncomfortable and I place myself in a dependent position. But if it succeeds, the results are far greater then what I could've done all alone. I want more co-op projects. I hope this is a spark of passion for creative projects to come, because without this drive, I better find myself some other direction in life. It's not like jobs and money are a-plenty in the creative field. A point of frustration is that I still find myself at odds with my tutors. Just support me already! Gah. Honestly, as long as I finish my products and exhibition and have a cohesive story to tell, it's all fine. I might not be their prize student (never was xD), but it's surely enough to let me pass. Sometimes I lose focus on this; it's easy to get frustrated about their cold remarks about something I try my dearest to succeed in and work at full time. But it matters not, as long as I graduate.

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This week I screwed up a bit. My self-care levels have dropped tremendously while stress levels were super high. This of course will amplify eachother; more stress means self-care is lower on my agenda, less sleep and more junk food means worse handling of stress. Self-care should just stay on a high for me to function well. I slept about 6 hours last night while I know I need at least 8, and my brain just sort of broke halfway through today. I still was productive the rest of the week, but I felt more lacklustre and unfocused while working. While feeling stressed, the need to write has also increased, I am just going to go along with it.

 

While tired, there seem to be some game related music sapping through from memories. It distracted me and I entertained the thought of playing. I also figured I am actually starting to forget game related knowledge, which made me feel panicky untill I decided that was a good sign of progress and also it's totally useless to have this knowledge. It serves me no longer. (This made me wonder if I can actually forget certain things while being exposed to them for so long, especially music. Time will tell) I guess though, the impulse to hide when stressed is still there. It also might imply 90 days is not enough for my brain to be totally rewired. As long a connection between games and easy-way-not-having-to-face-difficulties is still strongly present, how can I trust myself with it? I also read a lot of journals here of people trying moderation and failing (terribly), and I will take that as a stern warning.

I also want to fashion my life in a way I don't have time for game related things. I am planning, for one, to get into a lil less fluffy, more fit shape after graduating. I am also looking if starting a creative bussiness is right for me. But it's still hard to think about much more than graduation right now, so I am basically planning to make elaborate plans the moment I graduate. I will have no (imposed) structure after graduation, only the pressing matters of finding (any) job and an apartment. So I better make myself a good plan by then, lack of structure makes me greatly dysfunctional.

 

Anyway, there's no time for hiding, neither do I want to. I am however gonna need to take great care of myself this weekend to get unstressed and get my healthy eat and sleep systems up to par again.

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Today is day 88 staying game free in a row.

 

Almost everything right now seems to revolve around graduating. Totally dropped the ball on self-care and the household-tasks-ball is also on it's way to the ground. It's unbalanced, but I have a lot of work to do and I want to keep some room for error for last minute madness that surely will occur. (Sleep is for the weak, right?) Staying organized and calm seems to be more difficult lately. I am happy though that past-me is looking out for now-me; I made reservations for the right times and have appointments that serve as deadlines. I also finally mustered up the courage to ask the woodshop worker for help, which will hopely assure some smoother sailing next week and at the very least assured me of the right wood to work with. If I asked earlier instead of being a chicken, it would've been even smoother. Next week I have a lot of craftwork upcoming for my treehouse model, which I am actually looking forward to. I am a bit nervous for installing the exhibition, I have no experience with a couple of things that need taken care of and a couple of silly fears to overcome. (I realized, reflecting, that I am in fact, afraid of handling a drill. Silly me.) Now onwards! Untill I finally hold that sweet sweet diploma in my hands and can sleep in peace.

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Almost 90! You got this! You're on the finishing stretch, you can see the finish line ahead of you, but your feet hurt and you are out of breath, but you know it will all be worth it and push on!

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Last Saturday I played a gamified boardgame with hubby on my laptop. I noticed the following days that my brain keeps returning attention towards it, so I've come to the conclusion I am not ready for it. Even though I never played digital boardgames and normal boardgames are totally fine, the happy reward sounds and such are apparently too strongly linked to the whole gaming experience. It was worth a try, hubby and I both love playing board games but many are not enjoyable with two players.  I could/should perhaps maybe make a goal out of finding boardgame friends sometime instead of trying a digital one......

 

Besides that, my life is total madness right now. I have not been this productive ever. I have also not been this tired and stressed ever. Although the stress levels are more like waves and if it's a very high wave, I just take a moment. My current state isn't very healthy, but it will soon be over, so it's acceptable to live like this for now. Failing is not an option. Crashing is neither. I am doing things I didn't thought I was (this) able at. Like working while stressed. Being productive even when tired and unfocused. Asking loads of people for help. Making tons of decisions (and not regretting them but just go with em and make them work). Making a schedule and sticking to it like bees to honey. Staying positive and patient when things go wrong. In two and a half weeks I can add: actually finishing a creative project instead of procrastinating on it forever or not taking the time on the finishing touches in the end. Looking forward to that.

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Besides that, my life is total madness right now. I have not been this productive ever. I have also not been this tired and stressed ever. Although the stress levels are more like waves and if it's a very high wave, I just take a moment. My current state isn't very healthy, but it will soon be over, so it's acceptable to live like this for now. Failing is not an option. Crashing is neither. I am doing things I didn't thought I was (this) able at. Like working while stressed. Being productive even when tired and unfocused. Asking loads of people for help. Making tons of decisions (and not regretting them but just go with em and make them work). Making a schedule and sticking to it like bees to honey. Staying positive and patient when things go wrong. In two and a half weeks I can add: actually finishing a creative project instead of procrastinating on it forever or not taking the time on the finishing touches in the end. Looking forward to that.

:D:D:D:D

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It was worth a try, hubby and I both love playing board games but many are not enjoyable with two players.

Hi Mhyrion, late congrats on 90 days! Have you tried co-op boardgames with your hubby? I've had a lot of fun with Pandemic with just 2 players, and I'd imagine many other coop's would work just fine for 2.

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@Random I heard someone else about that boardgame too. Perhaps worth a try then :)

 

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Today didn't go as planned at all, I tried to salvage what I could in terms of productivity, but it was frustrating all the way through. My thoughts where constantly going places, zoning out. The atmosphere at the academy was so tense it made me anxious and I left halfway through the day. I need to find a way to deal with the tenseness of the atmosphere, because I am assuming it will stay with about 100 persons getting close to their graduation deadlines. Perhaps music. I did take a quick look at my exhibition spot today, and it's pretty neat. I can surely make it work, only some minor issues came up.

 

I've been super emotional lately. Right now. It comes and goes. I am certainly not in control. I criedlaughed a big part of Saturday night and talked with hubby. A lot came up -I don't think I made much sense though-. There are a so many things I haven't allowed myself to feel, to do, to be. And things I have allowed myself to do and be that I find repulsive. The strong waves of emotions makes me want to go in hiding, yet I do not have time for it so I face them and fail at that.  Is crying and laughing uncontrollably failing? I guess I get to decide that, but I do not know. Two more weeks of madness and I have time to find more clarity.

 

And again, when tired, more game related stuff seems to come up. I am not even bothered anymore having a voice line of a character pop up in my head (sometimes, the timing is even funny..).

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I am going insane, so let's write some things of my chest. 3 more days and the worst is over. I encountered some last-minute troubles, I hope I can fix it in time. I am slightly behind schedule due to that. Also because I scheduled for myself if I were a machine. I am not. So I took some time to relax this weekend, try and charge my batteries. It was a partial succes. I really made insane hours last week, next three days I need to keep that up. After that I can take it just a bit easier. Today I am dependent on other people, which is nessesary but very inconvenient at the same time. I hope I don't end up waiting around, but it's out of my control.

 

Meanwhile, I haven't been taken care of my body, and I am feeling the effects of that. I either didn't eat or eat some to-go stuff the past weeks and the times I did cook, I was so tired it was absolute garbage. Needless to say, my belly isn't in a happy place right now. Also my feet are starting to fail, I am dropping things at random because of tiredness and I grated my fingers. Having a normal conversation also seems to be vèry difficult. Oh and there's this high beeeeeeeep tone in my ears at times. I am ignoring all that right now and it feels wrong, wrong, wrong, but I honestly am not going to fail graduation this time.

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Keep it up! Don't abandon all your previous efforts!

It's only you that can handle your issues, you are the person who can face it in your life!

Edited by Tom2
add another sentence

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@giblets @Tom2 Thanks for the encouragement ;)

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I have managed to complete everything exhibition related in time. Mission accomplished! It's amazing. This whole process has been so rich and insightful to me. I have learned to ask for help and overcame my fear of woodworking machines completely. The amount of stress was insane though. This was mostly due to bad scheduling and not double checking things, causing some last minute mistakes and such. If I ever do a project this big again, that's something be aware of. The exhibition looks very, very pleasing now; I can proudly and confidently present my work next Monday. Last night I slept superb, this morning I took some time to do things in a slow pace. Just sitting with a coffee not doing anything in particular besides waking up. Really missed some quiet like that. Now, the coming days I have to make some final preparations (in a sane pace), pick up healthy eating and sleeping and cleaning up the mess that lies in my wake :P

Edited by Mhyrion

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