Mettermrck

Hi Ben, I can relate to your story. I'm 43 and made the mistake of buying a gaming laptop recently, an Acer too! The thrill of playing a single player RPG (like Deus Ex or Mass Effect) with great graphics is overpowering. With my headphones on it's like a Star Trek holodeck. Even limiting myself with a timer felt more like trying to bottle nuclear energy. And when I stopped, I itched to get back as soon as possible. I'm glad you're here. I've played games since the days of Atari and Texas Instruments.

Day 0/367 Well, I'm back....defeated but not giving up. The past year or more has been agony for me. My divorce was finalized early in 2018. I lost a full time job in June due to absenteeism. I was out of work for 5 months, barely scraping by on my Mom's limited income. Somehow I managed, with the help of my state's vocational rehabilitation program, to get another good full-time job. And I lost that in 5 weeks...due to absenteeism. So I'm back on the scraping limited income. I was already struggling when my 90 day detox completed in Sept 2017. I was already slackening in my diet. When the 90 days was up, the gaming itch was already there, just waiting for me to let my guard down. Boy, did I ever. And boy, did gaming come back into my life. To make a long story short, I've spent the last 15 months with my head in the clouds, trying to recapture the magic of those 3 months when I was off soda and gaming and transforming my life. Only, I tried to do it by holding on to my addictions in moderation, or at the very least, hold on to one addiction as a crutch while I quit the other. Gaming was usually the crutch. This never worked. I never felt at ease with either habit in my life and could never sustain a balance, despite the best laid plans. I tuned the world out and barely functioned while I played mental tug of war. After losing my latest job a couple of weeks ago, I had to take a hard look and get past my rationalizations and self-deceptions. It was not easy. I felt like I was begging..."take the soda but please let me keep the gaming!" And it never worked. In my stubbornness, I kept trying. Finally, this morning, I was playing Mass Effect Andromeda on my brand new gaming laptop. I should've felt wonderful playing such a gorgeous looking game on a powerful computer. But I didn't. I felt empty inside. I realize now that my addictions are symbiotic. Gaming fills the time and helps me escape reality...soda provides the fuel for my escape rocket. They both have to go. The old saw I've spoken of before, that I just want to play the historical strategy games, has proven false. That only keeps the door open and I return to the RPGs for my binges. No more. I've missed this community and now return in due humility. My plan is to just go ahead and do a year's detox for 2019 (actually 367 days beginning tomorrow), picking up the pieces along the way. I think this time I'm going to make it. I don't think I will underestimate the power of my addictions again. It's good to be back. I'm already beginning to breathe free again.

Ahh, Moe, you wrote this post for me, I swear, and broke me out of my embarassed lurking shell. I too tanked right after my 90 day detox, thinking I could handle the gaming in moderation, patting myself on the back, hyping myself up with pep talks with friends who gamed without problems. I'd say within a week all of my positive habits were gone. And yet, like you, I had this fundamental belief that I could make gaming a healthy part of my life in moderation. After all, hadn't I just proved it by successfully going 90 days without it and demonstrating my control? But day after day I was proving the lie. My soda/fast food was slipping even before the 90 day mark...but once I hit 90 and let gaming back in, the cracked dam burst forth and that was it...right back into my old habits. Anyhow, I'm glad that you're back stronger, Moe, and setting me a good example.

Day 90/90. Well this is it! It's not the super triumphant parade I envisioned when I first started this but I think that's because I'm not stopping to rest on my laurels. I'm moving on with my life and I have more goals to conquer. My journey has only just begun. @giblets, I also journal at home with a private diary so sometimes it feels like overlap with writing (or typing) the same things twice. As I've mentioned, I will probably keep this forum journal as a weekly journal, to give me more days to organize thoughts, etc. rather than everyday events. But I'll stay on the forums each day as best I can. So I've been reflecting on what I've learned during this process. 1. Don't talk, just do. When I reread my old thread, it's embarrassing in some cases. I think this detox was my 4th try. I noticed in the early attempts, I tried to project confidence, talk smack, even brag a little about how great I was going to be. In fairness, I think I was trying to psych myself up for the process and I also think I was trying to emulate the self-help, personal development, enthusiastic attitude I was reading around me. In other words, I was being someone I wasn't. In my last attempt, I was broken and I just laid myself on the line. Here I am, world, naked and afraid. Take me as I am. And I just started writing and doing day by day without any gloss. 2. Gaming was a mask. I learned rapidly after I quit gaming that there were real issues underneath that were killing me. I didn't even know they were there until I got off the computer. I've described it before as pulling up a bandage and watching the pus drain. For a week or two after I quit, I was constantly in tears. I felt crushing loneliness. I slept on the couch in the living room just to be around people. So I had to take steps to fight this. I got into contact with old friends I hadn't spoken to in a lonnnng time, some over 15 yrs!!! I set up a system of daily reminders to force myself to regularly reach out to people (I still do). Sometimes I have nothing real to say and sometimes I don't receive a response that day but I keep at it. I also feel free to cry. I don't do this as much as I used to but when it happens, I just go into my bedroom or my car and I just let it out. I also make sure I talk out the pain with someone. And boy does that help! I never would have learned this (or even been aware that this was a problem) until I quit gaming. 3. Create not consume. Another thing that gaming masked was an intense desire for identity, to express myself. I've always had a passion for history and I think it's always torn at me that I never followed through with this, whether finishing a degree or expressing my passion in some other way. Quitting gaming was like kicking away a crutch. Once this happened, I couldn't hide from this pain of having something inside of me that I wanted people to see but wasn't doing anything about. So that's where my podcast project was born. I still have a ways to go with it but I have learned that a creative outlet is a non-negotiable in my life. Period. So that's that, for this 90 days at least. Onward and upward! *spikes "American" football* ? Gratitude 1. Finishing just the first step in a transformative journey 2. I'm never alone 3. The chance to truly express who I am

Wow those are some impressive physical achievements!

I think your journaling idea sounds great and is about what I'm planning myself. I look forward to hearing how you're doing going forward. Nice way to finish the race haha...whatever works! ?

Sounds good...we're behind you! ?

Day 89/90 I wanted to complete this early before church as I probably won't have time later. @Zala, my next step right now is just continued weight loss and maintaining my momentum. I've probably not written enough about it, but this weight loss journey has been exhausting and traumatic even as it has been triumphant and fantastic. I don't regret it for a second but it is very mentally draining to put all of my focus into the simple step of not eating fast food and making sure I go to the gym. It feels like I am on constant guard on a giant wall, keeping the addictions from getting in. That just shows me how powerful the addiction is. I have confidence that in the long run, especially as I transform my body (and by extension, my life), those addictions won't loom so large. Right now, as I'm still somewhat heavy, those old emotions and temptations haven't gone far. And being light headed and tired a lot (in a good way) takes all of me. My next step is continued dedication to maintaining this course for the next year or two. There'll be other steps too, but I'm not sure what yet. I'll keep journaling, just not as often. Gratitude 1. Getting lighter 2. Almost finished the 90 days, feeling amazed 3. The catharsis of journaling my feelings

30 days! You're getting there!

20 days, yay!

You have a great attitude, skaliq! Yes, prove to yourself that you are strong enough to do the 90 days and then worry about the rest.

I agree about low intensity. I enjoy taking a slower walk outside and just relaxing rather than pushing myself. It's more soothing. I still go all out on the treadmill though. ?

Congrats on the work/study!

Day 88/90. Almost there...feel like I'm doing the last two shoulder dumbbells...gruuunnnnt. ? @Hitaru, I actually use the Quitzilla app which keeps a running money saving tally for your addictions and how long you've been sober. Gaming is smaller, about $10-15 every two weeks. So it's about $60 now conservatively. Fast food/soda is the killer. I've regularly spent $7-10/day on it! No joke. So yes, $600-$900 saved in 90 days. That is NOT a lie and why I've always considered gaming to be the junior addiction. A quiet beginning to a quiet weekend. I still need to work on socialization as Saturday is my quiet day. I have church on Sunday and work on weekdays but I need stuff for Saturday. Once Labor Day is gone the tourists will decline and I can start going to the beach. Gratitude 1. Saving money 2. Friendship 3. A sense of accomplishment

You've made a great start on your journey by beginning your journal!