d.manuk

I bought the plane ticket, car rental, and AirBnB for my Dallas trip to really lock it in as a reality.

I am in a bad place mentally. I moved to Boston 3 years ago, right before Covid. I haven't found anyone I find attractive here and have basically fucked my way through most of the city, nor have I really found anyone I want to be friends with here. My job and gym here are really great, but the social aspect is really poor. I feel alone, and although I could go socialize it would be with most likely people I have little interest in and people I won't stay continue meeting up with long term so there seems to be little point. I plan on moving to Dallas in 8 months when my lease is up, which I feel will be more promising, but that means I have to go through another grey winter (and it's already begun). The darkness is really what affects my mood. I like seeing sunshine flooding my apartment and it makes me happy. Being stuck in a place you don't want to be, and have plans to leave but need to wait, is difficult. 8 months is a long time. In terms of gym, I've been making steady improvements. I've been having some knee and elbow issues. Knee issues my coach says is because of tight quads, elbow issues are supposedly just overuse from doing pullups. I took the weekend and also Monday off from the gym since I feel a bit worn down. I need to figure out how to do stretching/yoga regularly, I can't seem to be able to pick up the habit doing it at home.

I've realized that it's really difficult for me to appreciate or enjoy social interactions while they are occurring. However, afterwards, I seem happier for having them and find myself regretting I wasn't able to feel more positively and appreciative as they were occurring. For example, sometimes when I hang out with my best friend I think to myself oh this isn't very fun and maybe that I want to go home. But afterwards, I find myself realizing that I had enjoyed it and wish I had been able to feel more positively during the experience. Compared to playing video games or other things I'd do alone, the social interactions with others have a more lasting positive impact afterwards rather than the fleeting contentment I have doing activities alone that I will likely not remember. I'm not sure how to fix this or why this is the case. I think I'm easily put off or made uncomfortable by small things that detract from my experience?

Had such a good shroom trip this morning! 7g at 8am, I was having such a good time alone on the trails, I brought a pillow and blankets and barely encountered anyone else. I timed it perfectly with the weather and was patient this whole year for the right time I do it. The theme of my life this year has been "prepare." During the trip I was so happy and grateful for how well my life has been going the past few months. Since I decided to start TRT earlier this year, my life has been improving slowly but steadily and going the way I want it to ever since. I'm so happy about the way my mind, body, and finances are coming together. The only thing that's really missing is a boyfriend and maybe a close friend or two. This will be something that I'll work on next year since I plan to move to Texas once my lease is up. I've been preparing myself for the move by becoming more attractive by working on each of my physical flaws, and also by getting my finances in order for the move. I realized how grateful I am about my relationship with my coach at the gym since he's the person I interact with the most in my day-to-day life since I am otherwise a loner. I really respect him and find him very attractive, I decided to get him a gift card with $70 on it so he can buy the new god of war when it comes out on PS5 as a sign of my appreciation for him. He's younger than me but in my head he's my big brother. It would be fun to eat his ass haha

My great aunt is out of the hospital and seems back to her self. Not in good condition but not suffering. I'm on 350mg test per week now and may decrease further when I reassess in 2 weeks

500mg test - Probably too high, post nasal drip and sore knees 400mg test - Feel fine but missing some strength Going to try 450mg and if not then bump up to 500

I'm a strong believer that there's something in the undercurrent of consciousness that links us together. I haven't been able to call my great aunt the past few days and have been a little worried. There's been a tugging at my consciousness and I feel like it was her trying to reach out to me. She fell last week and has been in the hospital the past few days. I'm not able to figure out how to contact her but started the process of trying to get her phone number there.

I'm 100% decided that I'm moving to dallas next year. I'm too old to be walking in 95'F everywhere in the summer to be honest.

I got back this week from a 2+ week visit to Canada to visit my great aunt. She wasn't in great shape, her health noticeably declined. She was in pain 20% of the day, got sick easily, was more forgetful than ever before. It wasn't pleasant to visit her this time, whereas other times it wasn't nearly such a bad experience for me. Everything also seemed to be on the verge of breaking down in Canada, the whole country seemed like a total disaster this time. It was really an unpleasant trip. I do think it's possible that my aunt will live another 5 or even 10 years, but I hope that she doesn't. She seems ready to go, her body seems to be breaking down, it will be hard for me to watch her fall apart even more than she already is now. She's in a retirement home and the average lifespan of someone that goes into one is 6months-2 years, though there are obviously exceptions. She's already been there 8 months. I hope she passes away soon to be honest. It would also help me incredibly to receive my inheritance now rather than in 5 years... I really would like to move next year to Texas but it seems iffy if I will be able to afford it. The best memories I had with my great aunt are obviously over and I don't really want to watch/listen to her struggle to live a decent life. She's my only close family member that I have, and this is probably the only experience I'll have having a loved one die aside from maybe a future partner.

I’m 85% decided that I’ll move to Dallas next year.

I took a new body pic and the responses I got to it made me feel a lot more confident. Ended up having sex with 6 guys in 1 night. im about to start my first cycle and I’m excited getting on a plane tomorrow and nervous that my aunts financial advisor won’t let me get $20,000

I went to a work party where a lot of people haven't seen me in person in a year or so. Some of the people commented that I look in shape and muscular. I don't really feel that way, I feel fat and skinny at the same time...

I hooked up with a guy I liked today. Out of the hundreds of guys I've slept with since moving to Boston, he's only the second guy I quite liked. I need to stop sleeping with random guys just because they're convenient and available when I'm horny.

I’m not a pleasant person and I’m pretty evil compared to most people. I’d probably be a thief and serial killer if video cameras weren’t invented yet. I don’t care about anyone but myself and so it’s hard to get close to other people. The number of people I respect and find interesting can be counted on one hand.

By not having an active social life, I feel like I'm wasting my life keeping to myself. The years are passing by and my youth is in its end stages. However, I don't have a strong desire to change my way of life. I also don't feel ready as I'm not done getting to my desired weight and also don't have a full understanding of my health issues surrounding my diet.