d.manuk

Current goals: 1. Do more yoga, try to do it in the morning 2. Watch some good TV and movies 3. Paint 1 new painting 4. Think of something new to do at my job 5. Catch up on Joe Rogan podcasts 6. Write out painful memories until they don’t make you cry anymore - Mikaela Peterson 7. Read a non-fiction book

Over the past month I've had some of the cosmetic procedures done, had what is presumably Omicron, have had an upset stomach the past few days. Today I've come to the decision that while it was helpful during this downtime of my life, I've overdone video games the past few weeks and have had my fill so I will be taking a break. Hooray for healthy boundaries! I'm going to create a list of things I want to achieve during this break and share them here.

I just read a Reddit article that spoke about the same thing as my previous post. Basically, how psychological and financial safety is so important for children growing up and gives them a 25+ year head start over those who don't.

I've been thinking about aging lately. All of my scar and body beautification stuff will be done by next year (most likely). At that time I'll be 31.5. As someone who is on the feminine side of the gay spectrum, I face the same challenges women face as they age and dating. Mainly, that men want to date people younger than them and it gets harder for them to find a quality mate as they age. I only have a few years left of being cute. Looks-wise I can probably pass as 26-ish. I've been feeling resentful towards my parents for my upbringing (though I no longer speak to them). Growing up poor and not having good role models really stunted my growth. Maybe I would have been a more active youth instead of starting to take care of my body in my late 20's? Maybe I could have had the body of one of the instagram guys I see that are still teenagers but could easily beat my face in. I feel really frustrated that I wasn't given the right tools to develop into an adult until later in life. On the flip side, some people are way behind me however that doesn't change my situation. Some people never manage to get ahead or catch up to the pack. But I feel like I have so much potential and the time to utilize it is slipping away. Age 30 is considered the gay death. I've devoted a lot of resources to making 2022 and 2023 a fruitful year for me.

Today I was in my bedroom when I heard my apartment door open. It took a minute or two to process, and then I went into the other room to check it out. I saw a older woman going through my drawers in my kitchen. I asked her who she was and she lied and said she was with the management company. She was a drug addict trying to find something to steal from my apartment, but my apartment is very minimalist lol. It was an intrusion that disturbed me. I don't normally lock my door even when I leave my apartment because it's a pretty safe neighborhood. For something like this to happen when I'm at home was surprising. Luckily it was an old woman and not a strong man that I wouldn't be able to stop.

I played new world a few months ago and found it fun until I reached endgame and it was full of bugs and broken. I don’t plan on playing it ever again. I’ve been playing FF14 and have found it nice. I don’t find it addicting like League of Legends or New World. It have made very low dopamine spikes. It can be kind of boring at times due to how slow it is, but the story is really nice. It reminds me more of a movie you can play rather than a video game. My couch should be delivered sometime next year. At that time I’m planning on getting a TV and also maybe a PS5. If I get it, I’ll probably sell my gaming laptop. I think in the 2nd half of next year I’ll start focusing more on socializing since a lot of my cosmetic procedures should be done by then and I should have a nice body by then too. I think im going to get laser hair removal on my facial hair. I’m currently growing it out for the first time and im deciding if I like it or not (I don’t think I do). I’m going to give it another week and then I’ll decide if I want to boom an appointment.

It’s possible that she still lives a few years and burns through most of her money. I don’t really know. I don’t like thinking about this stuff. I’ve been nervous about my financial future lately and this isn’t helping. Lots of unknowns. I imagine It’d be hard to visit her while she’s in the retirement home and I’d have to rent a hotel. I’d have to rent a car and I don’t want to drive in the winter because the roads in Canada are very snowy and slippery in the winter and I’m not used to it. I guess I’ll ask her every time I call how she’s feeling and if she seems bad l come visit her sooner otherwise I’ll come in the summer like I had planned.

I was initially worried she'd live 5 or 10 years in the retirement home and that she would spend all of her money and I'd get no inheritance. Now, after reading the life expectancy of someone that goes into a retirement home, I'm instead scared and worried about losing her soon. I've never had someone I care about die before. She's also the only family member I care about since I've estranged myself from my parents. Just thinking about it makes me tear up and makes me anxious. I hope she can forgive me for thinking such thoughts like about my inheritance, but that money is very important to me and will help set me up for a better life if it's large enough. Can I even visit now if I'm able to? Where would I stay? How strict would the COVID restrictions be in the retirement home and how would that limit our contact?

My great aunt got moved into a retirement home yesterday. I was planning to visit her in the summer but I'm wondering if I should visit earlier? I read online that the average person only lives 6 months in a retirement home before passing away, but can be up to 2 years.

I liked the laser radiofrequency on my forehead... I'm going to get more. I look a lot better now 3 days later. Scars will take a few weeks to look back to normal. I've tested a few skincare products that previous I thought broke me out but they're actually fine for me to use so I'm happy. I feel like I made a lot of progress this weekend towards becoming more attractive.

I also ended up getting laser radio frequency on my forehead… lot of stuff done to my body today, I’m going to just rest for the next week.

I met with the guy again. It was okay the 2nd time around. I like him less than the first time, but that's normal. I still think he's cool and like we could have a good thing potentially. I think I'm closer to his level than I previously thought in terms of attractiveness, even though he's obviously more muscular than me. I'm going to be getting my 3rd round of Kybella injections and 2nd round of laser scar removal today, so I told him I'm not free until January. I've been getting stronger at the gym even though I've been eating less and trying to be leaner.

I don't think I will date or do anything meaningful with this man other than have sex, which is sort of expected but still upsets me and makes me sad. I'm meeting him tomorrow but I'm not super excited because I feel sensitive, but my mood will probably change when I see him tomorrow.

Now that I've imagined what our marriage and breakup would look like, I have a clearer head about this guy. Oof, I get so excited by new things. I'll just see how things go and try to have no expectations. I still plan to treat him very well as if he were a special person to me.

He seems to like to party and drink, so I don't think we'd end up dating since our interests are completely different. I'll enjoy this for what it is though!