d.manuk

I took a new body pic and the responses I got to it made me feel a lot more confident. Ended up having sex with 6 guys in 1 night. im about to start my first cycle and I’m excited getting on a plane tomorrow and nervous that my aunts financial advisor won’t let me get $20,000

I went to a work party where a lot of people haven't seen me in person in a year or so. Some of the people commented that I look in shape and muscular. I don't really feel that way, I feel fat and skinny at the same time...

I hooked up with a guy I liked today. Out of the hundreds of guys I've slept with since moving to Boston, he's only the second guy I quite liked. I need to stop sleeping with random guys just because they're convenient and available when I'm horny.

I’m not a pleasant person and I’m pretty evil compared to most people. I’d probably be a thief and serial killer if video cameras weren’t invented yet. I don’t care about anyone but myself and so it’s hard to get close to other people. The number of people I respect and find interesting can be counted on one hand.

By not having an active social life, I feel like I'm wasting my life keeping to myself. The years are passing by and my youth is in its end stages. However, I don't have a strong desire to change my way of life. I also don't feel ready as I'm not done getting to my desired weight and also don't have a full understanding of my health issues surrounding my diet.

I went to a chiropractor today and will be doing the stretches he recommended. I will see him regularly for the next few weeks.

I've gained 15lbs while staying the same 11% bodyfat over the past 2.5 months. I'm very happy and I plan on doing a cycle in 2-3 months. I wish I had responsibly done steroids instead of smoking so much weed as a teenager lol. My goal is to weigh 200lbs by the end of the year while staying at the same bodyfat, so I just need to gain 15 more lbs.

When I was having issues in my relationship a few years ago, I realized I had reverted back into a lot of things that brought me comfort in my childhood. However, this also regressed my mindset back into being younger and more childlike as a way of coping with the trauma. I'd like to think that I'm at a point now where if I encounter a traumatic situation, I wouldn't revert to that childlike state as hard.

I started uploading tiktok videos on my fitness journey and self care. I'm going to start mewing and going to a chiropractor Current weight: 183lb

Goals for this year: make a male friend get to 195+ lbs and 12% bodyfat get more clarity on if I will move next year or not have a plan on getting a car by end of next year make a youtube video relating to my career gain 1 client at my job

I need to decide if I want to be a long term top or bottom. Vers is fine but I tend to like strict roles. top benefits: alpha mindset im in charge and always right no need to prep body for sex Partner is essentially my slave top negatives: have to have a more feminine partner bottom benefits: a strong person gets to take care of me i think I naturally prefer this role don’t need to lead and can take it easy less embarrassing to be vulnerable in this role bottom negatives: time consuming to prepare body for sex hard to find someone respectable to submit to age makes you much more vulnerable in a long term relationship if attracting alpha males need to be subservient which affects other aspects of your personality

Today is my last day in Dallas. I want to move here, but it would not be a smart idea to move just yet. Reasons I want to move: Sunny weather Best chance of finding a boyfriend is here in this city if I want to stay being a bottom Reasons why not to move: I currently make $87k per year and only work about 15 hours a week. This is the main reason for not moving. Unless I can purchase an apartment here, it's not worth moving here because I'd have a worse quality of life. Not sure if I want to be a bottom forever Scared my job here would be worse if I can't keep my current job

Testosterone Replacement Therapy 2 Month Self-Reflection Post This is ~2 weeks before I do blood work and have my first check in with my docor. Pros: Makes it easier for me to gain weight and muscle but keep body fat. I've gained 10 lbs but my body fat has stayed the same (12%) and water level% is the same, I'm not bloated. It's not a miracle though and doesn't go super fast. I'm at 180lb now. I think it puts me on roughly the same level as someone with naturally higher than average testosterone like some of the teenagers I see on TikTok getting into fitness... not abnormal. I feel lucky that I have access to this kind of progress finally for the first time in my life after trying so hard in the gym for 10 years and feel like my hard work is finally catching up with this missing ingredient. I should be able to have a fit body soon. Neutral: The biggest change I've noticed is my music taste. I listen to a lot of music and my music has changed to be more aggressive. I'm just metal and hip hop now whereas before I used to enjoy a larger variety of genres including trance and some pop. I now strongly dislike any song with female vocals or whiny boys. I think I'm becoming more traditionally masculine now, though kind of like a fuckboy. I feel like it's harder for me to be fake nice/polite to people I don't respect or like their appearance. What I used to be able to keep inside is now more likely to seep out. This does not bother me, though it may cause issues for me at some point. I'm more repulsed by women than ever before. I'm gay and have always only been attracted to masculinity and this has only been heightened even more to a point where I find it hard to take women seriously as equals. I feel like I always need to be working towards a goal now. I used to be able to go for a walk in nature and feel content and one with the spirit etc but now it feels pointless to do so. General everyday things that I used to enjoy (kind of like a woman) now seem pointless. This really just brings me to going to the gym and playing video games since those have an ingrained reward structure. Cons: The only negative side effect I'd complain about is that my face is flushed red most of the time. I've always had rosy cheeks but now it can look like I have a lightly sunburnt face. Bloodwork will likely show I need to give blood regularly. This side effect started showing up very early, I think even late week 2. Also I don't think I'm able to feel happiness as strongly as before. I'm more quietly content now, which is different. My libido has not improved at all, which has been disappointing. I'm on 200mg/week EOD + 500iu HCG. The residual lumps and swelling after injecting is a little annoying.

I archived a lot of pictures on instagram because they didn't reflect the current me

I did gentle yoga before bed today and it felt really good. I need to make time to do it more. I think I did about 18 hours of decluttering total.