d.manuk

So a bit earlier in the journal I said I'd try not to sleep around, and I did, but then I forgot I was doing that and slept with a bunch of people just because I was bored. This was stupid and I regret it, and sadly I got an STD from that. I have to take a good amount of time off from the gym which is really disappointing to me. I think I acted this way in part because I know that I'm still not in a good place to date anyone seriously. It all boils down to my elimination diet, until I have it fully figured out, I'm not going to want to go out to eat on dates etc... I'm going to go to more social meetups instead of hooking up with guys through apps. Last week my company had a party and it was the first time since I moved to Boston where I had a deep and interesting conversation with someone.... in over a year. It was really needed and made me feel good. I've only been socializing through hookup apps and having to pay for the interaction with my body essentially. A bump in the road, but hopefully I'm going to be back on the right track, 2 steps forward 1 step back. Really bummed about not being able to work out for a while though.

I met up with a guy yesterday and we had pretty great sex. My acne had healed a lot and he told me I was beautiful and how I have such a nice butt, etc. I’m looking forward to getting a nicer body over the next year in my training classes. At the end, he then told me he was very rich and how he wanted to continue hanging out at his house, so I agreed and he drove me there. He had a giant mansion and 2 tortoises and some dogs. I got bored kind of quickly and just wanted to be alone so I ended up going back to my house though. Someone being rich only impresses me for about 10 minutes lol. The experience was a nice ego boost for me though. I’m going to continue meeting this man, but at my apartment. I also realized that I hate dogs. They’re so needy and annoying and usually poorly behaved. If the guy yesterday didn’t have dogs I might have stayed. I’ve decided that I can’t date anyone with dogs.

Because I’m normally very attractive and when I have bad acne my attractiveness decreases substantially

The fact that I have some acne is weighing very heavily on me. It's like I'm almost back to my usual self mentally, though not as harsh on myself because the acne isn't as bad as it used to be. Can't wait for it to heal.

I woke up at 4:30 AM today because it got very warm during the night, and then I couldn't fall back asleep. I went to my 2nd personal training session of this week. I was very tempted not to go, my anxiety was high about going since I hadn't slept well and I was going to train with a different coach than last time and the group was going to be larger than last time. I also have some bad acne this week (though nothing like it was 1 year ago), which is very rare nowadays since I've been refining with my diet a lot to see what foods I'm sensitive to. I ate too much fatty lamb shoulder this week and that's what caused the problem and my self conscious feelings also strongly contributed to me not wanting to go to the gym. I'm happy that I pushed myself and ended up going. I feel kind of shitty because my technique for all of the exercises is quite bad, and I think bad form has been severely hampering my gym progress for the past 10 years. I guess I can only be happy that I took the right step now to correct it and attend these classes. I hope that I will make a lot of progress over the next year, because I think I have a strong yet very shaky foundation lol.

I started group personal training today. I think I'll improve on my technique a lot which will help me increase the strength of my lifts.

I'm going to sign up for group training classes at my gym even though my membership cost will go from $60 -> $280. I can't really afford it and will dip into my savings monthly but I think it will be worth it over the long run.

I went on a date where we just walked around and talked. It was nice and the conversation was easy. I’m not yet sure how attractive I find him because he’s in his 40’s, but I am curious and maybe we could get along. He seems rich but I don’t care about that. I’m just happy that it went well and it was a positive experience.

A new goal list: 1. Have my art displayed in a public space 2. Obtain a financial planning client

I’m going to try to be less promiscuous and to also work on being kinder and more social going forward. I think this is what the kind of men I want to attract want in a mate. I've been watching a lot of videos that recommend you should think about what the people you want to attract want instead of bettering yourself how you see fit.

I'm attempting to grow magic mushrooms, we'll see in a month if I was successful. I want to have another psychedelic trip and haven't found access to mushrooms in this new city so I need to grow my own. I'm buying a lot of new clothes, I want to have a hot boy summer with my new body and new fresh style. I'm continuing to spend a lot of money which makes me nervous. I bought a Dyson fan that was $550. I feel a little stupid spending that much money on a fan, but I've always wanted one since I was little because it has no blades and I bought a white one that should look pretty aesthetic in my apartment. My work wants me to start coming in, 2 days a week then slowly ramping up to 5 days a week by end of the summer. I want to negotiate to continue working from home part of the week. I'm not optimistic they'll be willing to compromise and I think I may start getting depressed as I start having to go back to the office full time. I'm also worried about meal prep for the office and continuing to make progress on my elimination diet. Usually fruits have been fine, but for some reason mangoes give me noticeable acne. Fish give me acne, but scallops seem okay.

I’ve had a very quiet month. The friend I’ve been talking to multiple times a week during quarantine had a bad experience irl and hasn’t wanted to really talk for a while so I’ve been leaving her alone so she can deal with her life. I painted the below picture for her. I’ve been pretty low energy.

I finished one of the three paintings I was working on. Overall, I think it looks pretty good on my wall. However, I am still disappointed in the result. I spent a lot of time on it but for some reason I don't think it came together that well. I changed color schemes in the middle of the painting but I don't think that's my main issue with it. I also think the photo looks worse than in real life when you're standing 6 feet away. I think I should have stopped working on it 10 hours earlier, but I am happy that my child is finally born. Unfortunately it also hasn't produced much of a response on Instagram, which is always a little disappointing. I spent about 10 hours cleaning and improving my apartment, which was long overdue. I've read a few oil painting books and learned a small amount of knowledge. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts instead of music. I'm meeting a guy tomorrow to hook up, the first time I have done that in a few months. I told him I want to take it slow so we aren't going to do anything too crazy. My elimination diet is progressing.

Ja mluvim Cesky 😄

Overall I feel very positive. After learning I weighted 180+lb, I've started to feel more confident in myself. The changes I'd been implementing have been showing progress. I changed my username. I don't think I've ever written this in my journal, but I'm actually a guy. 4 or 5 years ago when I created this journal I didn't want to write my gender because it would be obvious I'm gay and I also wanted support in my gamequitters journey. However, lately I just find it really hard to give a fuck about anyone else's opinion. I just want to be me that I want to be (which is different from the me that I am). I'm starting to feel like a man at age 30! I don't want to put up a nice boy fascade that I put up over the past 5 years in real life. I'm actually kind of a naughty guy with an imp-like sense of humor, and I find that endearing. It can be a lot to handle and obviously rubs most people the wrong way. I like heavy metal but I look really cute. It's that unexpected dichotomy in myself that I really like. There was a Jordan Peterson quote in a recent podcast that said something along the lines of "If you aren't being in alignment with yourself, your subconscious will harshly torture you for it." That struck me so hard for some reason. Perhaps it's temporary, but I hope not. For now, I'm enjoying this new metamorphosis, I love exploring and evolving myself.