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Mhyrion

Mhyrions journey

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Entry 19

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Day 24

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Thank for the replies guys!

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I failed not eating junk food on the second day, so much for willpower. I should mentally prepare for going to the store apparently, because I couldn't resist. It's also so in your face. The first thing when you walk into the supermarket is all the sweets and crisps and other delicious but ultimately bad food. I was not prepared.

 

I failed working on my study also. I just was so tired and couldn't care. I slept for 10 hours past night, took a long nap this midday, and I still feel exhausted. I tried to persuade myself into working, thinking of the benefits, the long term goals. Didn't really help. I tried to write off my distracting emotions, because telling myself there'd be time for that in the evening was not convincing enough. This did not help either. I tried going outside, but everything was so overwhelming it brought me to the verge of tears. I mean anything. The colour of the sky was upsetting, for crying out loud I fucking hate it when I have these moods.

 

I have to focus more on a more regular sleeping pattern and healthy eating habits to increase my energy levels. Being tired is a dangerous state of mind. I tend to get destructive, feel really down and ultimately make (very) bad (regrettable) decisions. If I want to enjoy life to the fullest, accomplish things, I need to have the energy to do so.

 

On the bright side, I did complete my morning routine. And I have a lot to be grateful for. I am still committed to not gaming. I might have flunked a lot of things today, I still didn't game. I also didn't drink soda today, so that's a week of no soda already. Also, I'm not dying and the house didn't collapse, so in that light I'd say this is still a decent day.

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Bad days jsut happen. I think you planning the right steps to get out of the funk. I try to never enter a Supermarket without a list of groceries I want to buy. Whats not on the list doesn't get bought. In the beginning you will forget things you feed to buy. But if you adjust to it shopping gets easier and  faster. Also ignoring the intricate design of supermarkets gets easier.

Gj on the morning routine and not drinking Soda!

Edited by WorkInProgress

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On the bright side, I did complete my morning routine. And I have a lot to be grateful for. I am still committed to not gaming. I might have flunked a lot of things today, I still didn't game. I also didn't drink soda today, so that's a week of no soda already. Also, I'm not dying and the house didn't collapse, so in that light I'd say this is still a decent day.

Very successful day in my books!

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Entry 20

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Day 25 & 26

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Bad days jsut happen. I think you planning the right steps to get out of the funk. I try to never enter a Supermarket without a list of groceries I want to buy. Whats not on the list doesn't get bought. In the beginning you will forget things you feed to buy. But if you adjust to it shopping gets easier and  faster. Also ignoring the intricate design of supermarkets gets easier.

Gj on the morning routine and not drinking Soda!

@WorkInProgress I am now prepared! ^^

 

For willpower this video can help.

@Cam Adair Didn't see that one yet, very helpful. Thanks!

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Day 25

Had a severe headache the whole day. Couldn't stand light, smells, sound or movement, so stayed in bed. Maybe Thursday was a prelude to this day.

 

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Day 26

Woke up still with the headache. Had a bad night, waking up a lot. I did have my appetite back. In the midday I got up and just sat next to my hubby, watched him game. Maybe not the most sensible thing to do, but I could not do much yet without making my head ache and I was really done with lying in bed. My hubby is great company. I did some little things with long, long breaks in between, and cooked a simple dinner. Still have some painkiller in my system, taking it easy.

 

I've established that I need to better plan ahead and need more routine in my life. Right now it's more important that I make a stable day to day routine and healthy lifestyle then spend a lot of time at my study, although the latter would be a nice bonus. But being steady and healthy will make this possible in the longer run. I want to prevent myself from crashing like last Thursday. It's okay to crash, and I do not feel too terrible about it either, but I want to be able to recover more quickly. Tomorrow I will make a schedule for the rest of the week.

 

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Goals:

-bike ride every day

-reading every day

-no soda

-no junk food

-wake up early and go to bed early

-work 5.5 hours at my study every work day

 

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I'm grateful for:

-painkillers

-the company of my hubby and the cat

-quiet neighbourhood

 

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Entry 21

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Day 27

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Except for snoozing this morning, this day went great. I found myself browsing the internet for a moment in the morning, and then I thought: this is not what I want to do. So I took a long bike ride. It was cold, the sun was shining, there was not too much wind and the roads were empty. So peaceful. It was very satisfying. When I came home I felt pretty energetic. I decided to do things that will make the rest of my week more productive. So I made a schedule for Monday and Tuesday and did a lot of housework that might be distracting to me later this week. I'm not sure how the schedule is going to hold up with reality, so I will plan the rest of the week on Tuesday evening.

 

My hubby was a bit distant today, but I got him to go for a walk together which was nice. Then the conversation landed on finding an apartment, so we discussed that and took action when we got home. He wrote some e-mails to different institutions, I made an overview of the sites we want to keep an eye on. I promised my hubby to look for houses every Wednesday evening and Sunday. This might give me some peace too. I really hate looking for apartments, it's really disappointing to not be eligible for almost everything. So I either postponed it or browsed for hours in a sort of desperate rage. The latter is really soul-crushing. So no more of that.

 

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Today I'm grateful for:

-the weather

-a clean home

-nice dinner

-self-made yogurt drink

 

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Entry 22

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Day 28 & 29

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Day 28

 

I worked with a schedule today, and it was quite nice. It saves a lot of energy not having to make too many decisions throughout the day. I accomplished a lot. Also made a few appointments for next week at the academy, which will give me some nice deadlines to work towards.

 

This morning I decided to try something else then naming the things I'm happy with or grateful for. I've been an active christian for many years but a half year ago I stopped going to church. Long story short, I dropped everything I ever learned in church because I could not live what I believed in. But I realize I've learned a lot of things that are also useful without the context of faith. So, this morning I practised proclaiming good things about myself. 'I am great', 'I am capable of making good decisions', 'I am social', etc. I don't necessarily believe all the things I said about myself, but I do believe in the power of words. Positive words will have positive results.

 

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Day 29

 

Today I started again with proclaiming good things about myself. I had much trouble focusing up till now, so I decided to just write it off as I am in a reflective mood.

 

I just thought of yesterday, and what I did. And even though it was not the most productive of days, a few things I am actually really proud of. I called a lady that had a house for let. I just called her. I was just a tiny bit anxious, but not a whole lot. The phone call didn't go great either, the timing was not great because she was very busy. But I was proud that I called without further procrastinating on it, without getting too flustered. (No luck on getting the house however) What I also did yesterday was ask for help. I rarely ask for help, I find it very difficult to admit that I cannot do things on my own, even if it's totally normal. Because it's totally normal not to have a perfect animation set-up at home. The academy has. So I asked to be shown around, let me see the facilities, see if anything is useful for me. I set my sights on a small room with a stop-motion setup. The camera is connected to a Mac with software specifically for stop-motion, very convenient. But anyway, the big thing is: I would've never asked for help a month ago. And it's helping tremendously. I also felt like yesterday I had a decent time connecting to fellow students. I am not a smooth talker, but I didn't feel afraid to ask things, mingle into a conversation. Being disconnected from games really helps me connecting in real life, and I'm really happy to see that.

 

I was also thinking that the past month has been very up and down, but the downs are not nearly as dark as they used to be and the ups are higher. In average I still do something on bad days. I am also more aware of my current states and actions. 'Am I tired, how did it happen, can I fix it right now?' 'Thinking is not working right now, can I do something practical?' 'I see I've clicked the Firefox icon for the 50th time in an hour, but am I doing something useful or can I better switch of the wifi for a while?' I feel like being aware of myself is something I totally lacked while I was on gaming streaks. The more practice I'll get, the better I'll be able to control my emotions and actions. This idea also makes me happy.

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Some days will be easier than others, even for me and for everyone that is the case, but it's most important that you just notice when your day is one thing or the other and work to shit your mood to what you WANT to experience.

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Entry 23

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Day 0

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I relapsed. Today is day 0 again.

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I can tell from how hard you fight for your goals that you are going to succeed in the detox. It's the intensely persistent person that succeeds, and your intensity shows that you have the heart of a warrior. Your signature says it all: "Fall seven times, stand up eight."

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Entry 24

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Day 2

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You guys are amazing. Thanks for your support!

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Back on track, sort of. I haven't been productive these two days, but I haven't gamed either. I did watch some streams to have a bit less of a cold turkey feeling because this time, I really didn't feel motivated. It was a way more rational decision then the first time, my heart wasn't really on the same page as my brain. But I am starting to get a bit more motivated today.

Why did I relapse? I guess I just gave up. I gave up. I caved in. I couldn't care. I was overwhelmed by my own negativity and depressed thoughts. Sometimes I really have trouble living with myself. When my head is in this black cloud, everything seems so futile and grey, useless and pointless. I justified gaming as a means not to think of that. The good thing is: I removed my account (good job past-me), so I had to smurf. Which is not nearly as much fun. I only played for four days, which isn't a massive relapse. But I totally returned to my Zombie-like state in that time. Didn't eat or drink well, didn't care about eating healthy or exercising, was grumpy towards my hubby, didn't reply to texts and totally missed the deadlines I set up for myself. So I learned that this is absolutely not what I want and that gaming is seriously not helpful to get away from my depressed state. I already knew that, but I'm just gonna take this as a very clear reminder.

I was thinking of maybe setting up an appointment with my doctor. I am quite sure my depressed state of mind is not very healthy. On the other hand, I am not sure what to expect. I know that anti-depressants kill my creativity(than again, better my creativity than me), take a lot of time to get used to and can have many side-effects and talking to a psychologist is very expensive. But perhaps I'm not diagnosing myself right (I am not a doctor after all) and there's a whole other issue at the bottom of all this.

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Goals:

-pick up the good habits again

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I'm grateful for:

-the support of this community. You guys rock. Seriously.

-my husband, who never gives up on me

-friends and family

-the cat

-no more fog outside

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Awesome! You're standing up and fight back like a gladiator in the arena! That's how it works!

"The more sweat on training, the less blood in the battle" I've heard that once and it keeps me motivated when I don't have enough energy to deal with even simple tasks.

I don't recommend anti-depressant. This is not the way to deal with depressive state (you're sure it is depression? Because there is huge difference between depression and feeling depressed) on a first try. The best way to deal with it is to talk about it more. It helps you feel more reassured. Just talk about how you feel each and every day on your journal. Even if it seems pointless for you, sometimes it seems pointless for me. But I'm doing it anyway, because I want to become an aware Mad Pharmacist instead of mad Mad Pharmacist.

If I am able to do this, and many others, so can you!

I have an advice for you to deal with depressive state even further: reply to one journal of other member of the community. It can be anyone, but try to find someone who is struggling with something similar like you and support him on his way. This way you'll feel the power of giving and this gives a lot of fulfilment :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

 

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Awesome! You're standing up and fight back like a gladiator in the arena! That's how it works!

"The more sweat on training, the less blood in the battle" I've heard that once and it keeps me motivated when I don't have enough energy to deal with even simple tasks.

I don't recommend anti-depressant. This is not the way to deal with depressive state (you're sure it is depression? Because there is huge difference between depression and feeling depressed) on a first try. The best way to deal with it is to talk about it more. It helps you feel more reassured. Just talk about how you feel each and every day on your journal. Even if it seems pointless for you, sometimes it seems pointless for me. But I'm doing it anyway, because I want to become an aware Mad Pharmacist instead of mad Mad Pharmacist.

If I am able to do this, and many others, so can you!

I have an advice for you to deal with depressive state even further: reply to one journal of other member of the community. It can be anyone, but try to find someone who is struggling with something similar like you and support him on his way. This way you'll feel the power of giving and this gives a lot of fulfilment :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

 

I like that quote.

I've been diagnosed with depression before (hence I also know the effects anti-depressants have on me). Thoughts of jumping of bridges and cutting your wrists are really writing on the wall. That's not normal. I am not acting on those thoughts, but I have on the latter in the past. (then again, I am still no doctor and you're a pharmacist, so what do I really know :)) The reason I don't write about that is that it triggers me unnecessarily. Awareness helps indeed, but not always.

Edited by Mhyrion

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Keep fighting, we all fall at times but we get back up, dust ourselves off and keep going. 

I understand completely where you are coming from because over a week ago I had given up on myself and relapsed.

The main thing is to learn from it and move forward. Keep fighting to reach your goal!!!

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Entry 25

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Day 3

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I have discovered that I am, in fact, a rollercoaster in human disguise. I am. It's true. Today I feel like I've had 3 coffees -I had none- and my energy is really flying in all directions. Except for the two times a half hour I studied. Quality time. But now I've feel I used all my focus to focus my energy. Anyway, I've done a lot. I thought I needed the whole day to do the things I've done in 1 hour. So now I'm like, now what? I need a planning. Yes yes. I am going to make a schedule today. I should make a good one, so I don't have to do this every time and again. I am a really poor planner. I don't know how much time things take, and having bad days really screws over any expectations. So better yet, I need to make a to-do list and then schedule things per week/day. I still won't know how long the whole project is going to take, but at least I can track progress.

 

For my stop-motion animation I'm still searching for music to accompany the voice-over. I love the energy and cheeriness of the music I have now, but it's a bit too 'sharp'. Really not sure how to explain. And the build-up in the music is not right with my animation. And I'm using my own voice for the voice-over now, which is just not right. I am used to working with my own voice now, but my voice is not cheery and fun enough. For the music and voice-over I need to find help. I can look for an actor to do the voice-over and a musician to perhaps compose something. Not sure if the latter is too much to ask. But there's a theatre and music department within our academy, so I should just try and go for it. Be bold. I don't like the prospect of having to ask strangers for help. I should prepare and become able to precisely word what I need and want. I feel like putting my fears of asking for help in words already helps a lot. I admit I find it scary. Now I know what to deal with. I can work on making it less scary for myself.

 

I picked up eating healthy and cycling again. Yesterday I made the decision to commit myself to swimming too. So this evening I’m going to do a few laps. I have no idea how many laps (25m) I can do, so I am going to discover that tonight and go from there. I need a goal to work towards, or I'll stop going. So I was thinking maybe working it up to swimming 1 km, so 40 laps. I feel that's a real achievement for me -and my couch potato body :)-.

 

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I'm grateful for:

-high energy levels

-my bike

-handsome hubby

-GQ community

-being spammed with happy whatsapps by my family

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Awesome! You're standing up and fight back like a gladiator in the arena! That's how it works!

"The more sweat on training, the less blood in the battle" I've heard that once and it keeps me motivated when I don't have enough energy to deal with even simple tasks.

I don't recommend anti-depressant. This is not the way to deal with depressive state (you're sure it is depression? Because there is huge difference between depression and feeling depressed) on a first try. The best way to deal with it is to talk about it more. It helps you feel more reassured. Just talk about how you feel each and every day on your journal. Even if it seems pointless for you, sometimes it seems pointless for me. But I'm doing it anyway, because I want to become an aware Mad Pharmacist instead of mad Mad Pharmacist.

If I am able to do this, and many others, so can you!

I have an advice for you to deal with depressive state even further: reply to one journal of other member of the community. It can be anyone, but try to find someone who is struggling with something similar like you and support him on his way. This way you'll feel the power of giving and this gives a lot of fulfilment :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

 

I like that quote.

I've been diagnosed with depression before (hence I also know the effects anti-depressants have on me). Thoughts of jumping of bridges and cutting your wrists are really writing on the wall. That's not normal. I am not acting on those thoughts, but I have on the latter in the past. (then again, I am still no doctor and you're a pharmacist, so what do I really know :)) The reason I don't write about that is that it triggers me unnecessarily. Awareness helps indeed, but not always.

I think you have to try solutions that you can do with single steps (e.g. writing here, doing little things each and every day) before trying anti-depressants.

Check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0

And also, I recommend you a simple exercise 2 times a day, at the morning and evening, which will take 2 minutes a day:

Stand in front of mirror and smile as best as you can to yourself for 60 seconds. Try this for a week and tell me if something will change :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Hey I wrote down what I use for plannign here. It is a mixture of todo-list and weekplanner while it tracks some time. I know that you are not that big of a fan of a pomodorrotimer but I think even without the use of them you could use the feature jsut to track your time and hti the successbutton after you are finished with a task.  Then it still logs the time you used for the taks. You can also fill in every taks ithe estimated time and the time you actually needed in. I am sure if you manage to fill these things in for 2-3weeks your planning abilities will get way better.

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Day 40

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Awesome! You're standing up and fight back like a gladiator in the arena! That's how it works!

"The more sweat on training, the less blood in the battle" I've heard that once and it keeps me motivated when I don't have enough energy to deal with even simple tasks.

I don't recommend anti-depressant. This is not the way to deal with depressive state (you're sure it is depression? Because there is huge difference between depression and feeling depressed) on a first try. The best way to deal with it is to talk about it more. It helps you feel more reassured. Just talk about how you feel each and every day on your journal. Even if it seems pointless for you, sometimes it seems pointless for me. But I'm doing it anyway, because I want to become an aware Mad Pharmacist instead of mad Mad Pharmacist.

If I am able to do this, and many others, so can you!

I have an advice for you to deal with depressive state even further: reply to one journal of other member of the community. It can be anyone, but try to find someone who is struggling with something similar like you and support him on his way. This way you'll feel the power of giving and this gives a lot of fulfilment :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

 

I like that quote.

I've been diagnosed with depression before (hence I also know the effects anti-depressants have on me). Thoughts of jumping of bridges and cutting your wrists are really writing on the wall. That's not normal. I am not acting on those thoughts, but I have on the latter in the past. (then again, I am still no doctor and you're a pharmacist, so what do I really know :)) The reason I don't write about that is that it triggers me unnecessarily. Awareness helps indeed, but not always.

I think you have to try solutions that you can do with single steps (e.g. writing here, doing little things each and every day) before trying anti-depressants.

Check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0

And also, I recommend you a simple exercise 2 times a day, at the morning and evening, which will take 2 minutes a day:

Stand in front of mirror and smile as best as you can to yourself for 60 seconds. Try this for a week and tell me if something will change :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't like smiling at myself. I do however use positive affirmation in the mornings, which has a great impact on me.

 

I have discovered that I am, in fact, a rollercoaster in human disguise.

Funniest thing I've read in a while. 

@Mhyrion, just keep in mind most people love rollercoasters! Suprisginly, you're not alone with your rollercoaster costume - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLnziYLckk4

This is seriously the most funny thing I have seen in a while. Thanks :)

 

Hey I wrote down what I use for plannign here. It is a mixture of todo-list and weekplanner while it tracks some time. I know that you are not that big of a fan of a pomodorrotimer but I think even without the use of them you could use the feature jsut to track your time and hti the successbutton after you are finished with a task.  Then it still logs the time you used for the taks. You can also fill in every taks ithe estimated time and the time you actually needed in. I am sure if you manage to fill these things in for 2-3weeks your planning abilities will get way better.

I had already looked at it! I write down how long things take me right now, but it's very fluctuating at the moment so it doesn't really help yet in assessing how much time things take.

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Game free: 6 days

Soda free: 7 days

Junk food free: 2 days

 

These days went by so quickly. Wow. I made the decision to sign up for Beyond. This really put me into a thinking mode; what are my goals, how am I going to achieve them, what are my biggest pitfalls towards achieving that, yada yada yada. Even though I am making progress since I stopped gaming, I feel like I want to turn the pace up a notch. I had a call with Cam yesterday, which was great. More thinking after that. I want to get the most out of me and out of the program so I want to be prepared. I spend a lot of time convincing my hubby that I wanted to join too. This annoyed me a bit at first, because I had already made up my mind, but as a result I've done even more thinking and more importantly wrote things down. I'm not entirely sure if my hubby is happy with my decision, but he's not against it so I'm going to count it as a win. Anyway, I don't feel like summarizing everything I thought of right now, I will do that later.

 

Staying junk food free has been tough for me. I need to grow in awareness about what temptations might come my way. I don't want to eat junk. I certainly don't want to get fat. I decided to make a counter to keep track of my streak. I hope this motivates me more.

 

One thing that I'm really proud of this week is that I went swimming laps. I got to 20, which made me happy. I am not even annoyed by the muscle pain that followed and stayed for 2 days. I want to make it a habit to go swimming twice a week and work up to 40 laps at a time.

 

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Goals this week:

-study concentrated (0/20 hours)

-swimming laps (0/2 times, 0 laps total)

-read Art of War and summarize (1/5 chapters)

-positive affirmation (0/7)

-go to any social event/meeting (0/1)

-looking for apartments (0/2)

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I'm grateful for:

-hubby

-glass of wine

-decent weather

-happiness

-books

-laptop

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Day 41

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Game free: 7 days

Soda free: 8 days

Junk food free: 3 days

 

Today I was extremely happy. It kind of got me into a hyperactive, very social mood. I asked my friends if they would like to join me on a Spanish music evening which seemed great fun to me. It's a couple of weeks away still, I'm really hoping they would like to go. I also saw other music events arranged by the music department of the academy and I was thinking this might be great place to look for a musician that can help me with my graduation project. I also arranged a feedback round with a fellow student. We're both working on storyboards right now, so we could benefit from each other. I want to contact another fellow student, which failed her graduation and I haven't heard of yet. However, I am unsure how to tactfully approach her.

 

I saw a Tedx talk yesterday, and I've lost the link already, but it was very insightful. This woman spoke about how she would sometimes do easy tasks first to build up momentum, and then move over to more difficult tasks. I tried this today. Normally, I want to start with my study first thing in the morning. But this does not always work that well, sometimes I'm still very sleepy and I'm easily discouraged if something goes wrong. Today I started (after the morning routine) with doing the dishes. The easiest task on the list for today and certainly not high priority. But it made me happy to cross it of my list and made it easier to start studying. I've also added difficulty points to my study to-do list. The tasks that cost a lot of focus and creativity rank 3, down to 1. This made me realize that I have, at the moment, almost only high focus tasks on my list. Which is really impractical. I’m used to working on several projects at the same time, normally doing concept and problem solving in the mornings and more practical stuff in the middays. Right now I only have one project to work on, and I cannot move on to the more practical tasks until I'm done with the thinking tasks. I will adapt.

 

I changed up my positive affirmation a bit this morning, which I think works really well. Normally I would say pretty random positive things about myself and mutter it a bit. Today I thought I might as well adjust it to what I expect for today, look at myself in the mirror and say it like I really mean it. I needed to do a lot of problem solving today, so I told myself that I am intelligent, I am creative. I needed to go the city later on, so I told myself I have strong willpower to resist any sweet temptations. It felt really awkward, but it´s much more empowering this way.

 

I've also sort of implemented hycniejsy golden hours tactic. Thanks for the inspiration. Before I study, I commit myself to one hour of concentrated studying. I say it out loud. After the hour I take a break, and repeat. To be completely honest, I have not worked for one hour straight today, I need more breaks still. The moment I stare at my wall for a minute or so, I know I need a tiny break. But it's working and I'll get better at it. And it's much easier committing myself to one hour at a time, then committing in the morning for 6 or more that day.

 

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Goals of the week:

-study concentrated (5/20 hours)

-swimming laps (0/2 times)

-read Art of War and summarize (2/5 chapters)

-positive affirmation (1/7 times)

-go to any social event/meeting (0/1)

-looking for apartments (0/2)

 

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I'm grateful for:

-being happy

-being productive

-friends

-new pants

-internet

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