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Mhyrion

Mhyrions journey

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Today was chaotic but somewhat productive. I have been on painkillers the whole day, and I had trouble focusing because of it. But let's be honest, normally I would've stayed in bed taking pity on myself, so considering, I think I did a good job. I have also worked on my study every workday this week, albeit not many hours altogether due to other appointments. But I didn't crash. I should commit myself every week to take a break on Wednesdays. I like not-crashing.

 

Tomorrow is my sisters engagement party, and I still have no gift. And I knów a gift would make her so happy. I am such a sucker sometimes. So I decided that tonight I will craft her something sweet. I am too grumpy to be around anyone anyway, hubby is gone (best timing!) so I might as well spend my time in this manner.

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Yesterday evening I felt for easy entertainment and wasted my evening. I didn't have a plan beyond crafting, which took less time then anticipated. I should have a better plan next time. I am ok with relaxing and not doing much, I am not ok with watching senseless yt videos for hours. I also downed an entire bottle of cola, which is outrageous. I shouldn't do that. I just got into a state in which I was sort of unaware of myself.

 

Lately I've been using the 2-minute-rule whenever I am waiting for hubby. It works really great. I don't feel like I am waiting around for him, so it's not wearing out my patience, and our home stays clutter-free and organized at the same time. It's also nice not having to think of all these little things during the rest of the week.

 

This midday we have my sisters engagement party. I am not at all in a social mood today and I am really bad at forcing myself to be friendly and polite. There will be a lot of people. I've never seen any of my sisters fiancé's family, so hurray for making first impressions and remembering names in my current mood. But there will be nice food and since this mood also includes eat-the-world-mode, food will make me content.

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I survived the party. I actually made an effort to introduce myself to a group of 10+ strangers, I think I did a good job. I didn't find it enjoyable in particular. I also zoned out of a lot of conversations. But on the bright side, there was lot's to eat, a nice merlot, and I played darts with my brother and pool with my father. I never do these things, so with darts I was happy to hit the board most of the times and with pool I was happy the white ball did anything of the sorts I wanted it to do. Normally this would've frustrated me, or had hold me back to try at all. I was pretty chill with it last night.

 

Hubby and I had plans for this morning, but we were both tired and didn't feel motivated to execute our plans. We did went for a nice walk though. Husband was contemplating his job and goals. He seemed frustrated about the company he's working for. I couldn't relate or understand, which annoys me. I want to be able to help him forward or at least be a decent conversation partner. I have to get better listening to him, because I got distracted quite easily. I am however, planning a night at a hotel for next weekend. I think we both deserve a short break. I haven't taken initiative like this in a long time, and I like doing it.

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I haven't taken initiative like this in a long time, and I like doing it.

Night at a hotel next weekend - great idea! 

Yes! It's so exciting! I would never have taken initiative like this if it wasn't for joining GQ's ^^

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Today was a bit too much for me. I had several triggers for several urges/memories within two day, I couldn't sleep last night and I got a headache. Basically, I just felt super overwhelmed. I slept a lot today and took some strong pain killers. I guess the meds also helped keep me calm a bit. I actually talked about how I feel with hubby before putting it down here, which I see as tremendous progress. Tomorrow I will be productive for other goals again.

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All my alarm bells are ringing, but I am sitting here apathetic, unable to move. I have these panic/back-up buttons set up for myself, all I have to do is push them. I am finding myself motionless next to them, thinking how it would be the right thing to do to push them. How it would help. How I am not pushing those buttons. I hate this point, I keep getting stuck here. I am always at a loss how I ended up here. In the moment at least. And I feel fucking apathetic. But this too, shall pass.

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It has passed.

I am functional again. I completed my morning routine and build some momentum before heading off to the academy. Yesterday evening I finally broke out of my apathetic shell. I am annoyed that I wasted 2 days, but I am reminding myself that I need to be kind and patience with myself. I fell into a trap but I climbed out again. I have identified the trap as not starting my morning routine and building momentum in the morning and again easy entertainment. Also not being able to process my emotions fully yet is a big hindrance. But I am in the process of becoming more and more capable. I feel like sometimes I sound like a broken record when I once again notice that what I am doing is not working, and that I have come to that conclusion a couple of times before. But I am embracing that sounding like a broken record is what will eventually lead to change in my life. If I have to figure out that my energy gets drained from eating junk food 20 times before I am ready to change that aspect of my life, so be it, as long as in the end the change is happening.

I educated myself a bit -yesterday- how my brain responds to easy entertainment and gaming. The fact that I have probably for years have made pathways in my brain that connect games and the 'novelty' of YT vids to rewards, something good, just is such a good reminder that I should have patience while the effects are diminishing. And it's a powerful reminder as why finishing 90 days of not reestablishing these pathways again is so important. It's silly, but right now abstaining from YT sounds like much more of a task then straying from games, especially since hubby blocked LoL and I feel like other games are 'not worthy' of relapsing on. (It's interesting how I find relapsing on LoL way more acceptable then relapsing on let's say, The Sims. I dunno what frayed logic this is, but it makes so much sense to me.) I guess that keeping a counter for YT/easy entertainment free would be a good idea. Right, made a counter for it. I need my brain to be unchained from all this shit.

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Yesterday turned into a pretty good day to my surprise. My productivity was average, my mood above average, energy slightly above average. I also prepared for today pretty well with some left over energy in the evening.

 

Today I had an appointment with the guy making the music for my project my music designer. We discussed some changes and I will send him my updated animation after I worked in the animation studio next week. He seems to be eager to also make the sound effects to go with the some of the movements, so that's a very pleasant extra. Talking with him made me motivated to make good images next week. I was nervous before meeting him, also because I had to take a new train route and I was unfamiliar with the city and the building. It went sort of smooth and the nervousness left while talking. In the midday I met with one of my graphic design tutors, which basically boiled down to 'good job, good plans, keep going'. And that's what I am going to do.

 

I noticed that halfway through the midday I was really tired of having people around me. Their conversations started to annoy me, I couldn't focus anymore. Right now I am chilling with the cat to rest a bit, tomorrow I will work from home. No need to get overwhelmed.

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I feel slow and unfocused today, however I am forcing myself to be as productive as I can. I have made sure that I have taken the steps I need, to do to at least do something; drink enough water, eat healthy, listen to happy energetic music, taking a walk. All this effort has resulted in 3,5 hours for my study today, so that's something. I still feel like I could fall asleep any moment now, so I might go for another walk soon.

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Mhyrion you have an excellent way of posting. Keep going, write everything down and use it to jumpstart your next activity. Did you go to church this easter weekend? 

Thank you! Yea we did! I don't value holidays that much, you know, everyday is a good day to celebrate Easter to me. :)

 

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The weekend with hubby was great, we had so much fun and quality time together. I am going to make more of these moments happen, it's good. I am super happy and feeling fulfilled right now. I am also pretty tired and I have a long week ahead of me. But I am going to kick ass.

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You are inspiring Mhyrion!

I am glad to hear you had a great weekend. The great thing about Easter weekend is the following week isn't as long - thats something to look forward to!

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You are inspiring Mhyrion!

I am glad to hear you had a great weekend. The great thing about Easter weekend is the following week isn't as long - thats something to look forward to!

Thanks! Also, by long week I meant I have a lot of things planned this week :)

 

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Today I am switching between super focus and complete distraction. Like I am working and making a lot of progress and the next moment I wonder how long I have stared at the clouds for.. I was planning on photographing today, but plans changed due to unforeseen circumstances and my own forgetfulness. So I prepared photographing as far as I could for tomorrow and then focused on other things, but my mind wasn't really set on doing these things today. I am bad at following through on plan changes. Just like I have trouble doing things not from A to Z. I can't hold on to that though. However, I feel very resilient today. Distractions and plan changes aside, I am working and I feel happy.

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You are inspiring Mhyrion!

I am glad to hear you had a great weekend. The great thing about Easter weekend is the following week isn't as long - thats something to look forward to!

 

Thanks! Also, by long week I meant I have a lot of things planned this week :)

 

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Today I am switching between super focus and complete distraction. Like I am working and making a lot of progress and the next moment I wonder how long I have stared at the clouds for.. I was planning on photographing today, but plans changed due to unforeseen circumstances and my own forgetfulness. So I prepared photographing as far as I could for tomorrow and then focused on other things, but my mind wasn't really set on doing these things today. I am bad at following through on plan changes. Just like I have trouble doing things not from A to Z. I can't hold on to that though. However, I feel very resilient today. Distractions and plan changes aside, I am working and I feel happy.

And feeling happy is all that counts :)

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Today was a slow day. I made progress, but not as much as I would've liked. I never really got into a nice flow of things. I didn't stop going though. I am however starting to feel really tired and it is starting to affect my mood too. I need to take a break tonight, but there's still many chores waiting for me. I guess they'll have to wait a little longer.

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Today was a slow day. I made progress, but not as much as I would've liked. I never really got into a nice flow of things. I didn't stop going though. I am however starting to feel really tired and it is starting to affect my mood too. I need to take a break tonight, but there's still many chores waiting for me. I guess they'll have to wait a little longer.

We are chore machines x_x

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Today was a slow day. I made progress, but not as much as I would've liked. I never really got into a nice flow of things. I didn't stop going though. I am however starting to feel really tired and it is starting to affect my mood too. I need to take a break tonight, but there's still many chores waiting for me. I guess they'll have to wait a little longer.

We are chore machines x_x

Need any extras? :D

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Today is 41th day game free, a new record. I thought of my fav game this week, but it wasn't a longing/nostalgic feeling. It felt more like a 'I used to wear these type of shirts. I still think they're kinda cool. This person who wears it is pretty rad. But they don't suit me anymore.' kinda feeling. It felt way more in control. I like being in control. (...) And then I got sick. In retrospect, I looked really terrible on Wednesday evening but I thought I was just really tired... Been sleeping a lot yesterday and today, haven't been able to do a thing. It feels like my brains are trying to escape my skull, among other painful things. Didn't even manage to do the dishes because it makes a lot of noise. I am also missing the party of a good friend tonight, I was really looking forward to that. Beh. Gladly, the cat has accompanied me these days and hubby has been sweet. I am also starting to regain some of my appetite, that's normally a good sign.

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Today is 41th day game free, a new record. I thought of my fav game this week, but it wasn't a longing/nostalgic feeling. It felt more like a 'I used to wear these type of shirts. I still think they're kinda cool. This person who wears it is pretty rad. But they don't suit me anymore.' kinda feeling. 

This; inspiring! 41 days is epic. Are you pushing for the 90 days?

I like your mindset of not suiting you anymore, that could be very useful to self-improvement!

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Today is 41th day game free, a new record. I thought of my fav game this week, but it wasn't a longing/nostalgic feeling. It felt more like a 'I used to wear these type of shirts. I still think they're kinda cool. This person who wears it is pretty rad. But they don't suit me anymore.' kinda feeling. 

This; inspiring! 41 days is epic. Are you pushing for the 90 days?

I like your mindset of not suiting you anymore, that could be very useful to self-improvement!

Yes, going for the 90! Past halfway point now, woot!

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Lately I've been wondering whether or not I want to continue journaling here and whether it still fits me. I am inclined to say no, but it requires some more thought.

 

It's Kingsday today. An excuse for Dutch people to dress orange and silly, sell their old shit at flea markets, have fanfare(is this a word in English?) bands all over the place and at the end of it all, party and get drunk. I have ignored it as well as I could.

The rest of the week was not very productive. At the times I got myself to study, it paid off. The other times I was mostly distracted, working from home really isn't my strong suit. The home is very clean now however, so it can't distract me next week. I have had counseling again, and again I feel lighter and more in order. Never thought I be a fan of counseling, but here we are.

Also, véry important, I bought socks this week. They have pineapples, flamingo's and palm trees on them. Pineapples! Flamingo's! Palm Trees! On socks. This made me insanely content and happy. +10 happiness socks. Woot!

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62 days game free. Onwards, onwards.

I was incredibly bored today and watched a LoL lcs match. It was braindead, and that was very nice, however, it didn't fascinate me very much. I put it off when I got bored of it again. I realized watching these things is not what I want with my life and I am going to keep true to that. I am still a tad jealous of people who can actually enjoy games without drowning in it. (Jealous really is too strong of a word but I can't find the word I want in either language...) I still can really appreciate a game as a beautiful product just like art and.. it felt like missing out on something great. But I still didn't feel like I wanted to play, knowing what a relationship breaker, time sink and furthermore allover ruining experience it has been for me. So triggered, but not triggered? Sort of triggered.

The rest of the time I have been veéry well behaved. I shouldn't fret over this little incident any longer then necessary for some reflection.
I have rekindled my passion for Jesus, which has given me a great drive to be the best and most loving person I can possibly become etc. etc. Yes I am turning into a woo woo Jesus person, no, I couldn't care for the world what anyone is thinking about that. I have no clue how much to share about that, it's probably all much too silly to natural standards.
I'm still struggling with my study (also the reason why I was bored today) but progressing, still haven't really found my passion for that. I guess it's the environment of the academy that's mostly responsible for that. The motivation is hard to find, but I am going to finish this and then I can move on with my life towards things more exciting! I ordered something on Etsy a while back, and I thought perhaps, making something along the lines of that.. Something nice, well designed people would want to have. I like making beautiful things, or things beautiful. Could be a lot of things really. I still struggle to think past 1 day after my graduation date though, so I am going to tunnel a bit more towards that date and then I'll have room to think about new directions my life can go.
Also, I got my hair cut and it's super sexy boyish short and I couldn't be more confident about my looks right now. (I literally went back to the mirror a couple of times right when I got back home after the cut, to admire the look. Sexy lady ;))

 

EDIT: I also complimented a stranger a while back. With her socks. I must find a new social challenge! :D

Edited by Mhyrion

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Also, I got my hair cut and it's super sexy boyish short and I couldn't be more confident about my looks right now. (I literally went back to the mirror a couple of times right when I got back home after the cut, to admire the look. Sexy lady ;))

B| this is great!  

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