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Mhyrion

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I feel on top of the world. Let's fall of ~gently~ this time around.

I can't get over my enthusiasm to return to the gym and prepare for it in the meanwhile. I've shopped for exercise clothes, went cycling and walking to reduce my sore calf (didn't work much though), spontaneously worked out yesterday (started with dancing, decided to pick up weights and got intense somewhere in the progress) and I just want it to be Thursday *already*. I also couldn't descend stairs during the entire weekend without taking half a day and an 'ow' with each step. (Hubby picked stuff up for me I forgot either up or downstairs. Which was awesome.) I am wondering how many weekends I will be 'crippled' like that and if it'll temper my high spirits. We'll see. There's also a part in me starting to chicken out a bit returning to the gym. Mainly because of the social interaction due but also partially because of the muscles-still-hurting-don't-wanna-embarress-myself-by-falling-over-part. The latter part has still much ado with social interaction come to think of it... Eh. It's gonna be fine. I can always disappear real quick afterwards if I suddenly don't remember how to social interact and no harm done.

 

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I feel on top of the world. Let's fall of ~gently~ this time around.

Didn't fall yet. Ehhhhh. This is spectacular; I am happy for such a long period of time. Brilliant. Brilliant! I am also happy to workout to prepare myself for boxing. I feel like I've discovered what everyone was talking about yet I never quite grasped myself. Like a 'aha!' lightbulb thing. It's like having cake and eating it too. I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY. I am adjusting what to do with all that energy and happiness. My current goal for boxing is to be able to work through the full 1 hour lesson full throttle. Which means I need to work up to:


10 minutes rope skipping

10 minutes of running combined with mostly push-ups and sit-ups

   -let's say 50 push-ups and 50 sit-ups total (just to have a number to start with)

40 minutes of which ~20 minutes intense boxing


I guess the key thing here is it has to stay fun. For example, I like something like 'hit left, hit right, sit-up, hit left, hit right, push up' a ton more then just plainly doing some sit-ups and push-ups. On a side note, the exercise pants I bought are the best thing ever. They are bright red and purple, and that's quite silly around here where everyone just sticks to blacks and greys and the weather lately is pretty much like that too. So during cycling, I see people staring for just a bit too long and a road worker actually yelled 'nice pants' at me. Not sure if he meant it as a compliment, but I'll take it so. These pants, they are a keeper. My cycling goal I have been working on steadily. I now have completed ~130km of the 300km I 'need' to go trampoline bouncing.


On the subject of cake though, I am the worst goal multi-tasker. Did I refrain from eating sugar? Nopes. Nopity nope. Ate the world again. Still didn't think of a specific goal/reward either (which is key!). Feel at a loss for that. Rewarding myself with food for not eating it is not really giving the right message to myself. I am thinking of something fancy like a thai massage or I don't know, but I can't keep throwing money everywhere like that just to motivate myself. I am however making tomato soup for the third time this weekend. I enjoy doing it and feel motivated somehow to make a good tomato soup. I've also have a plan for diner for the entire week which will be healthy af (IF I FUCKING STICK TO IT), so there's a fair bit of planning going on that will prevent a lot of sugars from being eaten this week.


Aaaaaand on the subject of money; we just bought our first car. I've never been so happy and excited about a car my entire life. So independent, much freedom. YES.

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So excited and happy for you! xD

You know yourself and what you need to do to succeed, now you just need to enforce it. You can do it!

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On 11/12/2017 at 6:56 PM, Hitaru said:

So excited and happy for you! xD

You know yourself and what you need to do to succeed, now you just need to enforce it. You can do it!

Thank you! <3

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Note: my english is broken today, so fuck it. Native language ftw.

Ik voel me nog steeds geweldig. En comfortabel. Misschien een beetje te comfortabel af en toe. Ik consumeer veel, maar creëer op dit moment niets. Ik weet ook niet of ik er al aan toe ben om weer iets te maken en dan is er nog de vraag: wat dan? Alles kan, en ik heb op dit moment geen voorkeur. Nou ja, ik maak niet helemaal niets. Ik ben mijn lichaam aan het vormen natuurlijk. Het blijft een fantastische ervaring. Ik heb bergen energie, ben afgevallen en ik ben nu in staat op halve push-ups te doen. Sporten integreren in mijn leven vergt wel wat planning, iets wat helaas een beetje in de soep is gelopen deze week. Maar ik wordt redelijk goed in mezelf 'in de val lokken'. 's Ochtends sportkleding klaarleggen met een klein passief-agressief briefje ter motivatie en ik heb vet veel zin in die work-out. Hetzelfde moet ik nog voorbereiden voor volgende week, als ik samen met hubby een weekje vakantie heb. Normaal gesproken zou dat neerkomen op een binge fest. Maar dat lijkt me zonde van mijn tijd en eerlijk gezegd ook langer niet zo bevredigend als er op uit gaan.

 

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9 hours ago, Mhyrion said:

Note: my english is broken today, so fuck it. Native language ftw.

Ik voel me nog steeds geweldig. En comfortabel. Misschien een beetje te comfortabel af en toe. Ik consumeer veel, maar creëer op dit moment niets. Ik weet ook niet of ik er al aan toe ben om weer iets te maken en dan is er nog de vraag: wat dan? Alles kan, en ik heb op dit moment geen voorkeur. Nou ja, ik maak niet helemaal niets. Ik ben mijn lichaam aan het vormen natuurlijk. Het blijft een fantastische ervaring. Ik heb bergen energie, ben afgevallen en ik ben nu in staat op halve push-ups te doen. Sporten integreren in mijn leven vergt wel wat planning, iets wat helaas een beetje in de soep is gelopen deze week. Maar ik wordt redelijk goed in mezelf 'in de val lokken'. 's Ochtends sportkleding klaarleggen met een klein passief-agressief briefje ter motivatie en ik heb vet veel zin in die work-out. Hetzelfde moet ik nog voorbereiden voor volgende week, als ik samen met hubby een weekje vakantie heb. Normaal gesproken zou dat neerkomen op een binge fest. Maar dat lijkt me zonde van mijn tijd en eerlijk gezegd ook langer niet zo bevredigend als er op uit gaan.

 

My try in translation without google translate or any nowledge of dutch (sry as german I always have the feeling I understand dutch but I am always off a little :D):

I feel still great. And comfortable. Maybe alittle to comfartable. I consume much but create nothing. I don't know what the Answer to the question is: what after this. ???It was a fantastic week. I have a lot of energy and i increased my push-ups by ten. To integrate Sport in my life needs some planning but it worked out great this week. It is a good idea to prepare your sports clothing as a passiv-agressive way to motivate yourself to workout the next day. I don't want to prepare tpp much for next week as me and my hubbye will have a weekend vacation. It will be a binge fest.???

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On 11/23/2017 at 5:04 AM, WorkInProgress said:

My try in translation without google translate or any nowledge of dutch (sry as german I always have the feeling I understand dutch but I am always off a little :D):

I feel still great. And comfortable. Maybe alittle to comfartable. I consume much but create nothing. I don't know what the Answer to the question is: what after this. ???It was a fantastic week. I have a lot of energy and i increased my push-ups by ten. To integrate Sport in my life needs some planning but it worked out great this week. It is a good idea to prepare your sports clothing as a passiv-agressive way to motivate yourself to workout the next day. I don't want to prepare tpp much for next week as me and my hubbye will have a weekend vacation. It will be a binge fest.???

Thank you, I love this. It's a bit off however. But good motivation to translate myself anyway:

 

I still feel great. And comfortable. Maybe a little too comfortable from time to time. I consume a lot, but don't create anything at the moment. I don't even know if I am ready to create anything yet and then still the question remains: what to create? There's a thousand options, and I don't have a preference right now. Well... I am not creating nothing at all. I am shaping my body. It is a fantastic experience. I have loads of energy, lost weight and am able to do knee-push-ups now. Integrating sport into my life requires some planning, something that failed a bit this week. (The Dutch expression says: to fall/walk into the soup. Doesn't translate well literally xD) But I am starting to get good in setting myself up for success (literally translated: setting traps for myself). Leaving my exercise clothes together with a passive-aggressive note with motivation ready for when I return home, and I am so ready for that work-out. I need to prepare the same success for next week, when I have a holiday week with hubby. Normally it would be a binge-fest. But that really seems like a waste of my time and not nearly as satisfactory as doing shit.

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Second day of my holiday and I am all out of activities. Didn't plan for this dreary a weather. Rain and hail every half hour a.k.a. November. Bah. However, I have made plans together with hubby for the rest of the week. I also spend some time on arranging a joint present for Dads upcoming birthday. So proactive, much wow. And I have set my eyes upon two DIY projects to spend my time on this week. Inside. Where the rain and hail and snow are not at. Besides that, and mainly because of hubby's encouragement and also boredom, I worked out today and cooked instead of ordering pizza. I am, however, not sure about all the practicalities surrounding workouts and I do need to get more specific about my goals. Doing a work-out two days in a row felt quite tough. But the energy I got back from it is certainly worthwhile. But does my body needs rest in between? I have a lot of questions in my head that are sort-of bugging me. Do I need to alternate routines? What muscles do I need to train? What muscles do I want anyway? Will they eventually show? How much weight do I want to loose? How do I loose fat on specific areas of the body? And mostly while exercising: am I doing this right? What's bugging me most right now is that I mostly lost boob fat. And the belly fat et co is still all/mostly there. So there's a bit of a disproportion situation going on. And a slight identity crisis. I didn't know my boobsize was such an integral part of my identity, but I guess it is. I have big tits, therefore I am. On the positive side: my neck is not mad at the smaller boob situation. And it serves as excellent motivation to push through until it's balanced again. However, all-in all, I am still so happy. Beside weigh loss, energy and happy moods (it almost feels aggressively happy by lack of better words), I also feel more self-confident. I didn't realize I felt so insecure all of this time, but it seems so obvious now. I am just very proud of what my body can accomplish and just knowing I am working on it makes me feel more embracing of it's flaws.

 

So, all that talk. How about those specific goals then eh:

Weight
With 1.69cm and 63kg I have a BMI of 22. That's healthy, but I am yet a bit too fluffy for my liking. I want to weigh 60kg. That's doable. And I want to reach it by.. …..A specific date that I will now choose at random because I don't know how losing fat and gaining muscle will work together nor how easy losing fat will stay…… the end of January.

Gym
I will go to the gym for a one hour lesson every week. If I am prevented to join the Thursday evening lesson, I'll make sure to attend the Tuesday or Wednesday lesson.

Workouts
I will workout at least twice a week for 25 minutes. I might upgrade this to three times a week at some point, but I want to be consistent with twice a week first.

Cycling
Well. See, it's been going smooth this cycling goal of mine. But, err, it literally has not been dry long enough the entire weekend to go for a ride. Cycling in rain/hail with cold temperatures is just plain un-fun with a real hazard of colds. So yea, maybe I am just weak, maybe making sure the activity stays fun enough is the sensible thing to do.

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This week wasn't 100% as productive as intended, but I've spend a lot of time with hubby and feel quite relaxed right now. Today is a bit of a shit day however. Went swimming yesterday while already having aching muscles. I thought it might help. I was wrong. I feel like a wreck with a sore back and a very strained leg muscle that was causing me so much pain this morning I took to painkillers. Fucking hell. So I mostly spend my time reading today. It's a captivating enough book, but I feel tired and slightly grumpy from sitting around so much. I am not certain if doing a workout might make matters worse, walking/standing around feels shit already, so I rescheduled that for tomorrow. I also have to go to the gym on Tuesday this week due to birthday parties that need attending. I am both curious and anxious about going to another lesson than usual. I don't feel like I have a reason to be anxious, rationally, but then again, anxiousness isn't really all about being rational.

I am thinking of applying eating rules to my life. I don't like rules, makes me feel weak to need them and not have the mental capacity to make good healthy decisions without them. But I noticed a stern pattern of not making good healthy eating decisions after dinner, which causes most of my overeating/eating when not hungry. If I want to keep losing weight, this cannot stay in my life. Well you know what, let's call it a commitment instead of rule. Sounds way better already.

I am hereby committed to:
-Stop eating dinner when I feel full. Really bad at this one. Learned to empty my plate at dinner as a kid, apparently feel very strongly about it.
-Not immediately eat something additionally after dinner if I don't feel full. My feeling-full is slow as fuck to process at times. So better give it time.
-Evaluate hungry feelings at ~20:00 ~20:30 (much after dinner anyhow). If I do feel hungry, fruit or bread with peanut butter will have to do. If I don't feel hungry for those, I am not really hungry.

The gym and workout commitment were good this week. Cycling I'll pick up again when the weather is better. This week I went walking a lot instead, not mad at that. So perhaps replace cycling with a walking commitment until the weather clears again.

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I almost always eat a piece of fruit after dinner, and recently I started putting small pieces of fruit in some of the things I cook for dinner and I noticed I didn't really have a craving for something sweet afterwards.

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You can also try to chew slower and other little tricks to make dinner a more meaningful experience, like not watching TV or checking phones, etc. A good dinner is the prelude of a great sleep and better morning :)

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19 hours ago, Shine Magical said:

I almost always eat a piece of fruit after dinner, and recently I started putting small pieces of fruit in some of the things I cook for dinner and I noticed I didn't really have a craving for something sweet afterwards.

Fruit as dessert sounds great, I will try that to see if it reduces sweet cravings.

 

18 hours ago, Hitaru said:

You can also try to chew slower and other little tricks to make dinner a more meaningful experience, like not watching TV or checking phones, etc. A good dinner is the prelude of a great sleep and better morning :)

I've tried chewing slower, also smaller portions and smaller forks and plates, but I have a hard time enjoying my dinner that way. But I tried this a long time ago, perhaps the goal of losing weight can help with another try. And I swear I don't know what to do during dinner if there's no TV-series/movie involved. Have meaningful conversation? Hubby and I both aren't great conversationalists and I can only sweet talk the cat for so long ;)

---

After venting in my journal a bit yesterday, I idled around on the internet a bit and decided to find out what yt/google thought would help with strained muscles. Found a wonderful stretch-out (there's really no work or strain and hardly any sweat involved, so work-out would be the wrong term here). After 20 minutes of stretching only ordinary muscle ache remained. Today I had to work hard in the morning to restrain myself from just idling around, and succeeded. Felt miserable during my work-out, felt great afterwards.

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Gym commitment has failed this week. Gym decided to be closed yesterday evening because silly national traditions (and only posting about it at 13:00, for real) and I am prevented the rest of the evenings. I was disappointed and also counting on having a trainer do the thinking, counting, pacing (and partial motivating) for me. I regret not immediately taking action by doing a workout at home when I found out. I guilt tripped in my dreams. Dreamt of getting fat and not daring to go back to the gym and what not. My brain is pessimist at times. Anyway, after not immediately taking action, I did however educate myself further on different workouts and other things related. I woke up earlier this morning to do an ab workout (or muffin top burner as it was called, which sounds way more fun). It was short, I definitely can't do side planks, but it was also sweet and left me with unusual high energy levels for the early morning. I like the focus of just doing the one thing. I will try other focused work-outs too.

Anyway, off to an evening of resisting muffin top treats. It's astounding how much it helps to just think muffin top instead of bad. Gonna be an expert at motivating myself by the end of this journal.

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DO you have smart goals for your fitnesslevel weight? If not now could be a good time to implement them (you'll now about basic work-outs and expected rated of lossing weight and getting muscle or improving at different excercises).

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1 hour ago, WorkInProgress said:

DO you have smart goals for your fitnesslevel weight? If not now could be a good time to implement them (you'll now about basic work-outs and expected rated of lossing weight and getting muscle or improving at different excercises).

What do you mean with fitnesslevel weight? Fat versus muscle weight gain/loss? Or increasing x amount of weight/time/reps on a workout?

I know about smart goals. I set commitments for now, with a goal for losing weight. I am still figuring out what works for me in regards to workouts and the gym whilst also building up some common sense / basic knowledge. Setting smart goals would definitely be crucial once I am entirely sure what works for me.

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Made an excellent soup today. Practice paid off. I am impressed with this.

Gym commitment: failed this week, did extra work-outs to compensate.

Workout commitment: halfway this week. Tried timed workouts focused on one part of the body, love those. Used a 10 min work-out count town music from yt for cardio. Liked that. Realized having a focus point for rope skipping really helps prevent tripping, so am improving. Added some more stretching before and after, just seems to really help a ton with muscle aches. I made a schedule for myself, increasing workout commitment to three times a week.

Mo: stretch-out 20 min
Tu: work-out: stretch 5 min, cardio 10 min, abs 10 min, stretch 5 min
We: stretch-out 20 min
Th: kick-boxing 60 min
Fr: stretch-out 20 min
Sa: work-out: stretch 5 min, cardio 10 min, legs 10 min, arms 10 min, stretch 5 min
Su: work-out: stretch 5 min, cardio 10 min, mixed 20 min, stretch 5 min

Being committed to this also means I have to adjust cooking and chores to make sure I have time and the peace of mind to do it.

Weight goal: Stayed the same weight. I feel though my weight is going more towards muscles then fat now. I can see my hourglass shape returning from under the fluff. Booty looks better. I noticed this first two weeks ago, but wasn't sure if it was just me being very confident all of a sudden, or actual change.

Eating habits: I am trying whole grain breads instead of white. Makes me feel really full, but I do not enjoy the taste. Going to keep trying out different wholegrain breads until I find my match. Tried to chew/eat slowly this week, not sure if it helps with feeling full. Will continue to try. Mustered as much will power as I could to not binge on snacks the birthday parties. Succeeded on the first one. Flunked on the second one, but still ate a lot less then I normally would have on a 'normal' party. Overall, binging at home is at a low and I feel more in control of how much I eat.

Stop eating dinner when full: working on it. Had enough awareness on some nights.
Not eating something additionally immediately after dinner: failed. Lack of commitment/care.
Evaluate hungry feelings at 20:00ish: failed.

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If you feel like entering in a spiral of consecutive small fails it's good to stop for a moment, breathe and wipe off the unpleasant feeling of inertia off your back. Yep, that thing that you and I never do, taking it easy (?)

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@WorkInProgress Thanks for getting my brain on a thinking train -whether intentional or not-. Chook Chook!

@Hitaru I am actually getting pretty darn good at taking breaks whenever needed. (I might even be a bit too easy on myself at times ;)) Just feeling damn ambitious this week.

---

I feel like I am really gettin somewhere with all this thinking and reflecting on what I want. The exercise and eating commitments are building blocks for something bigger, or they can be, I have to figure out what I really want. I have not dreamed big in a while, just getting the regular life in great shape first.

I have progress to be made socially, although I do not have a plan for that. I have shown some more proactive-ness and friendly-ness connecting with my family and friends, so that's a good step forward. I like being the one reaching out every once in a while.
Connecting with co-workers.. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them forgot my existence entirely or think I am Ebenezer Scrooge reincarnated. I just find them boring and uninteresting and my attitude and interaction have been very, very cold. Except for my closest co-worker, with whom I have great conversations and aligned interests. I wonder if I can make it work after leaving this job? I would really rather like that.
Connecting with people at the gym has failed big time. Really don't know what to do with myself, what to talk about, how to react. Perhaps I should find a book or podcast or something focussed on how to connect better.

Spiritually, I have done nothing of late. Nothing that would count in my book anyway, so no church visits or praying or anything like that. I feel better without it, and that's a bit of a scary thing to realize. I feel like I am letting go of the pressure that seemingly automatically came with it, all the expectations I created for myself. I think it's one of the reasons why I feel much more at peace with myself of late. But I do feel like missing out on something really important as well. Perhaps I just need this period of cool down and letting go of how I've always done/experienced things to be reset. Will see how things develop, it doesn't leave my mind. What's a healthy body gonna do without the sound mind? (Jump of cliffs, that is)

Now about dreaming big. Hubby had to make a bucket list for some personal development thing from his trainee-ship, came up with nothing. Fucking (lovable) goof. But I rather liked the idea. So I've been brooding on this. Can't say I've figured it out yet and with the biggest, wildest ideas I find a lot of resistance from my pessimist side. 'That's never gonna happen', 'You can never do that', or -my favourite- 'You should've started a lot earlier to succeed in that now'. If I am too late to start with things now I better get in my coffin already. Silly thoughts. Anyway, to be extremely vague, there's one big dream in particular that caught my attention. But that's really the biggest, silliest, wildest dream I've had in a long, long time and I am not comfortable sharing it yet because I don't want to come back on it or just put it out here before I have thought about it a bit longer. And in the end, dreams are just that, dreams, if you do not make them reality after all.

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@Shine Magical Master of chores, conqueror of mundane tasks, etc, etc.
My life still revolves a lot around the day-to-day life. Mostly really. But I think you really need to have your shit together before getting on with the greater things.

---

I am slowly becoming more of an authority figure in my own life. It's awesome to be the boss of me.

Today was stretching day, but felt energetic and did a tiny work out. Didn't feel much muscle ache from yesterdays work out either. I think I can push myself harder during the work out to get more out of it. It's only a few minutes, better make them count.

Finally dared looking at the push-up again, because I kept failing on them and got a bit frustrated. Found a video with the golden tip (for me anyway), and another with an exercise I hope will prevent my wrists from hurting. I have high hopes.

Also, I devised a plan to get out of my comfort zone. I will go kick boxing against other women instead of the punching bag. This both scares and excites me greatly. Due to unfortunate planning though, it will have to wait three weeks. So plenty of time to mentally prepare myself.

While plundering our attic for skiing gear, I found an old pair of jeans. Flip-phone-markings old. I jokingly put them on. "Those will never fit, haha". They fit. I love it when life gives you little golden nuggets like that. Hubby is starting to notice my body getting shapely too and has been giving out compliments. Which is normally quite rare. At one point he was genuinely impressed. Which is even rarer. It makes me glow. I swear I am getting at the point where I question whether it is legal to be so insanely happy.

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Happiness has been halted by my body trying to murder me period. I am insanely proud though that I went to the gym regardless and trained super hard, just forgetting about the pain I was in. Also got rewarded with being pushed out of my comfort zone during the warming up with an exercise that meant sort-of sparring with a partner and thus also physical touch. Not boxing each other but a game of touch the thigh (or however you should call it). Which I found incredibly fun. Tried to be a bit social too and had a short conversation. Nothing much, but that's better that nothing at all.  

Weight goal: now 61.5kg and proud. Halfway onward to my goal of weighing 60 at the end of January. Just gonna keep doing what I am doing. Didn't think it would go this smoothly at all.

Eating: Wholegrain bread is a keeper. Tried brown rice instead of white too, also here to stay. Eating slow is just… I can't even. Didn't think this would be so challenging, but it is to me. Cravings after dinner have been low, been taking fruit or bread if really needed. My food isn't 100% clean, but it's definitely where I want it to be right now. When I do take something super processed/sugary/forbidden, it's limited amounts and not munched without proper enjoyment. And I like the gradual changes, I can keep up with that.

The thing I wish I would've done better this week is watching less YouTube. Way less actually, binged quite a bit. Interesting how a bad habit like that is just back and taking over within a week. So, the reigns are back with me now.

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