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Mhyrion

Mhyrions journey

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I'm just getting more and more proud of you.

I'll study for 3 hours a day, starting today, even though I have a winter holidays I need to study, to not fail first 3 colloquiums in next 3 weeks.

What do you think about studying challenge? :)

I'm not sure If I understand what you mean. Studying challenge = study 3 hours a day? Or..?

I mean to study enough to achieve your or mine goals in it :)

If you need 2 golden hours, that's fine. If you need 30 minutes, that's also fine.

It's not about time. It's about building habit of productive studying :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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I am not going to breathe slowly right now you motherfucker.

Your journal is always good for making me laugh. Not sure if people tell you this or not, but you are very funny. xD 

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I am not going to breathe slowly right now you motherfucker.

Your journal is always good for making me laugh. Not sure if people tell you this or not, but you are very funny. xD 

+1

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Day 52

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Game free: 18 days

Soda free: 19 days

Junk food free: 1 day

 

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@hycniejsy Ah yes, studying is going ok! It's challenging but worthwhile.

 

@Cam Adair I am glad my misery is amusing to you. Funny certainly is not something people call me to be honest, I am rather cold person irl.

 

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Well, today was interesting. It started off all wrong. I was super tired, not motivated, things I did to get momentum only made me more tired. I went back to bed to sleep for 2 more hours, I just couldn't do anything. I felt miserable and sad. After that I got apathetic. It's silly because I know what to do when I have low energy and a bad mood. I've thought all of that out. Now I have to go from knowing when to do what, to actually doing that. What use is it to know that I should do y when feeling x, when I'm just not doing it. I could have all the self-knowledge of the world, but if I don't act on it, it's pretty damn useless. I need to start acting. I succeeded to do that later that day, and that made me feel a lot better. I also felt like I could reach into my emotions and current state a lot better today then the rest of the week. Whether that is due to practice or just random luck, I prevented a headache with it by listening to my body.

 

I didn't make my study hours, obviously, but I’m happy to still have made 4 hours today. I am still in doubt whether I want to complete the 3 hours left tomorrow, or if that just screws my energy levels up more. It will be nice to be able to say I've reached my goal, but it's only a silly goal, that's not what this is really about.

 

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Goals this week:

-study concentrated (19/22 hours)

-swimming laps (2/2 times, 59 laps)

-read Art of War and summarize (1/4 chapters)

-positive affirmation (5/7 times)

-work non-specific goals into specific goals (0/1)

 

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I'm grateful for:

-cold, fresh air

-GQ community

-wine

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Day 53

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Game free: 19 days

Soda free: 20 days

No junk food: 2

 

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Today was an pretty good battery recharging day. I've done the household stuff that I needed to, but also took plenty of time to relax. I had a crippling back-pain all day, so it's good I could take it easy. I had to adjust some of my plans to account for it, but whatever. There's not much I can do about it anyway. I was very emotional too, but mostly on the happier side, just very rollercoastery. I repeated my smoothie recipe of last week, tweaked it a bit. Still delicious but a bit less sweet. It's fucking delicious. Right now I'm enjoying the wonderful relaxing effects of wine.

 

I have a lot of social events the coming two days, which is really bad planning from my part. I should not plan social events this time of month. But then again this time of month also comes with being chaotic and rollercoastery, so doing or not doing what would be best for me is more difficult then normal. Sometimes I wonder how wonderfully consistent I could make my life without this cycle thing fucking me over every time. But I also could make it my strength. Like, I should be very creative and decisive the second week, the 3th week I should be more social. Then the 4th week I just want to eat the world and the 1st week I just want to be alone on an island with painkillers and wine. Oh, and clean the fuck out of the island, but hey, can't do that because back pains. But you know, the 2d and 3th week, I should really make it a priority to abuse my superpowers in those weeks.

 

Staying junk food free is a lot easier when it's 2 out of 7 instead of 2 out of eternity. I feel much more motivated this way. I make good decisions at times, yay for me.

 

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Goals this week:

-study concentrated (19/22 hours)

-swimming laps (2/2 times, 59 laps)

-read Art of War and summarize (2/4 chapters)

-positive affirmation (6/7 times)

-work non-specific goals into specific goals (0/1)

 

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I'm grateful for:

-cherry stone pillow

-wine

-hubby

-Hitaru

-phone

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Day 55

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Game free: 21 days

Soda free: 22 days

No junk food: 4

 

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Yesterday I went to church with my hubby. I have not been there in months. It was a bit of a shock, but it was really nice. The people are so warm and enthusiastic. I received many hugs, which made me feel loved. I also was totally exhausted afterwards and had a bit of a headache, so the rest of the day I didn't do much. I have also forgotten most of the Beyond call, I guess I was just too tired, so I have to listen to it again. Can't hurt.

 

I totally owned today. I stepped out of my comfort zone big time. Twice. I'm fucking fabulous. So, what amazing thing did I do to step out of my comfort zone? For my graduation project I need insight into children from 9 to 12 yo. I don't know nothing about that, so I needed experts. So today I went to 2 different primary schools and asked random strangers who happen to be teachers for help. I don't like asking for help, I certainly don't like asking strangers for help, I don't like meeting new people and I also am normally very anxious to step into new buildings. Oh, and I don't like crowds. I have overcome all that. After I succeeded this morning, I was overjoyed. So happy. I had planned to go to another school this midday, and again, I was so happy when I succeeded. I have not been in such a good mood in… months. Also, it seems like I have estimated the intelligence level of the kids pretty well, so I don't have to make major changes in my text. I also proposed to show the animation in class whenever it's ready, to test how the kids react. The teachers seemed quite font of that idea, which surprised me but also made me even more happy. Anyway, day won.

 

I have tracked my energy-levels for 8 days now and on a scale from 1 to 10 I average a 4.5. I want this to be higher by 2 points at the end of March. I think that is an achievable goal. I need to continuously keep track until then so I know whether I am improving or not. I have also more insight in what gives me energy, I should try and do those things more often and also when I'm low on energy. They are:

-talking with hubby, friends, family and accountability partner (basically, be more social)

-exercise

-fresh air, going outside

-music

-coffee (a bit of a double edged sword because it also lowers my focus if I don't pay attention to when and how much coffee I drink)

I have also avoided things that lower my energy, I want to continue doing that also. Things that lower my energy:

-bad moods

-junk food

-soda and sugary drinks

-snoozing, starting the day lazy/unmotivated

An average of 6.5 for my energy-levels might however not be enough to support my plan to work up towards studying 40 hours a week. I think around 32 would be more in range if I want to go for good hours and not mediocre hours. I'll have to see how things go. An evaluation at the end of February would be in place.

 

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Goals this week:

-study concentrated (4/24 hours)

-complete morning routing, including exercise (1/7 times)

-make schedule the day before (1/7)

 

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I'm grateful for:

-me

-hubby

-friends

-happiness

-sun

-bike

-hugs

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Day 56

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Game free: 22 days

Soda free: 23 days

No junk food: 5

 

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Today time went by very quickly. I am on track for study hours, which makes me happy. I started cycling to the train station with my hubby as part of my morning routine. I have muscle pain, but it does give me a lot of energy. And I really like starting the day together in this way, even though I can't really combine cycling with talking well.

 

Mindlessly browsing the internet seems less and less appealing to me, but maybe that's also due to having a good mood. Whatever the case, I like that change.

 

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Goals this week:

-study concentrated (10/24 hours)

-complete morning routine, including exercise (2/7 times)

-make schedule the day before (3/7)

 

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I'm grateful for:

-bike

-laptop

-Beyond group

-music

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Today time went by very quickly. I am on track for study hours, which makes me happy. I started cycling to the train station with my hubby as part of my morning routine. I have muscle pain, but it does give me a lot of energy. And I really like starting the day together in this way, even though I can't really combine cycling with talking well.

Love that you are doing it together - quality time and accountability!  

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Day 58

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Game free: 24 days

Soda free: 25 days

No junk food: 7

 

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Yesterday and today where really busy, and I'm pretty exhausted. Having some quality purr service lying next to me right now, recharging batteries.

 

Yesterday started all wrong. My scheduling was shit, so I skipped through half of my morning routine to get to the academy in time and ready. And then it all was in vain because I needed to use the laser cutter, but it wasn't ready to go and the only one with knowledge how to fix it was absent for the day. That made me feel overwhelmed for a bit. I had set my mind on doing the easy task of guiding the machine and I didn't have a plan for when that failed. I recovered though, I am not entirely sure how, but I have eventually worked for 6.5 hours yesterday. That's a new record since quitting games, so I am quite proud. I didn't know I had it in me. Also I was in luck that nobody had yet made a reservation for the cutter for today, so I could still finish everything before the holiday. I got a bit stressed to complete everything in time, but it worked out fine. I also focused on learning how to be a bit more independent in the woodworking workshop. I learned how the big machine to saw wooden boards with works, so I don't have to ask the next time I need it. I still think it's a bit scary, because it's big and it makes a hellotta noise and well… it can cut your fingers of if you don't know what you are doing. But I will overcome. And I learned how poplar boards look like, so I can distinguish it from other boards.

 

I was thinking about picking up something to challenge my mind a bit more in the evenings. I have once tried to learn how to build websites on freecodecamp. I quit when it got tricky, but I am confident I am capable of learning it. It would serve my professionalism well if I know how to make websites and -even if I don't go and make them myself- what I can ask from a web builder, or even just to be able to quickly adjust templates. Anyhow, I am still thinking on this. I don't have to spend a lot of time per day on it of course, I can do like 20 minutes a day. But I was also thinking of pickup up learning a third language. I have also once started learning Korean, and I loved it. But again, when it got tricky, I quit. But I loved the challenge it was giving me and the language itself I totally love. I think it's really pretty language. This will however, not serve me much in real life. Hubby went to N-Korea last year, but we'll need to save loads of money to go again with the two of us. And then I still don't know what knowing the language would help. I would love to go though. Perhaps I can make this into my long long term goal.

 

I am hereby committed to staying another 7 days junk food free. I have to be honest here, I have made my rules a bit less strict. I don't want to face a dilemma every time I'm at someones home and they offer me a cookie. It just feels very unpolite to not take it. I am okay with taking one cookie at someones home, provided I don't eat more then one. The important thing is I don't buy a whole bag of something sweet and devour it like a beast. I haven't done that the past 7 days, so I count it as a win.

 

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Goals this week:

-study concentrated (22.5/24 hours)

-complete morning routing, including exercise (3/7 times)

-make schedule the day before (4/7)

 

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I'm grateful for:

-laser cutter

-the smell of burnt wood

-purring service

-warmer temperatures

 

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Great job on studying for 6.5 hours yesterday! That's amazing and shows that you have the capacity within you to do it. If you can do it one day, you can do it any day. You are stronger than you think! (We all are.) Also love the idea of learning some programming and web design. It will complement your design skills well, and create opportunities for freelancing and making money. :)

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Day 59

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@Cam Thanks for the support! I read your comments, I just don't always know what to react -and whether that is necessary-. I think coding can be a great added skill, but I need to make sure I am fully interested and committed before starting learning it. Else I will just give up when it gets tricky again. Money and independence can be good motivators though.

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Yesterday evening I went from gleefully happy to gloomy and doomy in a matter of minutes. I do like the fact that I have superpowers, these are just not the ones I want. Anyway. I tried to calm myself down, talked to Hitaru to sort my thoughts out and breathed slowly to feel alive and in control. The latter just made me feel empty. I couldn't sleep because of it and now I am awake but very demotivated and tired. In a sense, I feel like I'm just acting out. This is the new happy and productive me. How long will the acting last? When will people notice? And I also am afraid of doing too well, because the higher and better I get, the longer and harder I can potentially fall. If I fall when doing great, wouldn't it just break me? What goes up must come down right? In my head I would go from a soft thump sound to a loud smack sound. Not appealing. In that sense I am afraid to fail but also afraid to do well. That leaves me with void. But we tried void out already, that certainly doesn't work. Not going back to void. I feel confused. I think the reason I am afraid to do well is because I don't know what's waiting for me there. I don't know what is on the higher end of the rollercoaster. It sounds strange, but down is where I am comfy, even though it is very unpleasant. I have in the past years made my comfort zone out of negativity, being happy and productive a whole week in a row is starting to get uncomfortable. Well, I was out of energy anyway. Why can't I just be happy when I am doing good? My mind is treacherous, playing tricks on me. I feel vulnerable. I am having strong cravings for everything that will help my mind escape my thoughts for a moment. Nostalgic for games, hungry for chocolate. But this is not the life I want. So I am going to pick up what I want. I am going to complete my morning routine, after that doing the dishes, because that normally gives me a sense of having achieved something, and after that I go swimming laps. I got this. I think.

Edited by Mhyrion

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Day 59

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Game free: 28 days

Soda free: 29 days

No junk food: 2 days

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Been so busy with Beyond and thinking in general that I didn't find the time to write. My thoughts are still a little chaotic, I am sorting things out. I really feel like being in a progress that will lead to good. We talked about emotions, connecting with yourself, trusting yourself. I feel like I have no intelligence on this area, which makes it scary and big. I am used to understanding things/concepts quickly, I had to rewatch the call to let it make sense. But it makes sense now. I still don't know how to increase my need to reach out and connect to people, but I know how to -in theory-. I just don't feel much need to share things in general. If you're my friend and I don't call you in three months, I genuinely didn't think about doing that in three months. After that I might begin to feel curious about how you're doing. And procrastinate a little bit on that. I don't think it has to do with not caring, I just don't feel a need to contact other people often. Maybe I can find the root of this and see if that's really true or there are other things at play. I am planning to do  am committed to do some of the 3 emotion exercises this week and also see if there are deciding experiences in my life that have determined who I am today. I think that might lead to something.

 

I've been thinking about this one thing in the call, about having a relationship with yourself. I thought that was very interesting. Like, I think I'm okay to be with most of the times. But I'm not really enthusiastic about myself and that shows up in the rest of my life. I mean, I can be enthusiastic, but I will never lose myself in that or get overjoyed. It's just a bit meh all of the time. Mediocre enthusiasm.

 

My ability to bounce back has been greatly improved since starting my journey. Last Friday morning I felt like shit, but I recovered and was productive a bit later that day. I am really glad and proud of achieving that.

 

 

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Day 61

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Game free: 30 days

Soda free: 31 days

No junk food: 4 days

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The past few days felt tough, constantly trying to describe what my feelings are and not really managing is pretty draining. You know, at a point the only thing I felt was frustration because I was unable to get a hold of my other emotions. I felt pretty unmotivated and tired. It has been good practise though. I have been writing down some feelings throughout the day, nothing real special, but there's a negativity to it that I don't like. I seem to notice negative things a lot faster then positive. Like noticing how getting in touch with me emotions is hard on me, and not noticing the effort and amount of time I put in. I feel a strong need to hide, in any way possible. It's like my brain is constantly trying to seduce me into anything that would make a good hiding spot. Gaming, eating, sleeping. Annoying and catchy music that you cannot stop thinking about and prevent you to use your brain at all. Also, I am starting to see a pattern (or did I mention this already?) between being hungry and being stressed. I have trouble telling them apart. So I eat a lot of times when I am not actually hungry, but just stressed.

 

I've neglected exercise in my morning routine, even though I liked it a lot last week. And I didn't feel really motivated to make the most of the rest of the routine. I should be more focused on starting my days well, it goes a long way for energy, mood and motivation. I feel like I have poor willpower atm.

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I'm grateful for:

-swimming pool

-skype

-paint

-banana's

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Day 63

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Yesterday I gave up. I woke up early, but I felt sick. I´ve been having a cold for a week now and it's seriously starting to annoy me to wake up exhausted after 8+ hours of sleep. So I thought perhaps I just needed more sleep, so I went back to bed. When I finally got out again it was about 10 am, 4 hours later then my usual wake up time. I didn't feel extra rested, but I did my best Shia Lebeouf impression in my mind to get started on my morning routine. I started with exercise, and since I didn't went cycling with my hubby and the weather was dreadful and stormy, I decided to try out the 7 minute workout routine that was referred to in the Beyond group. Mainly because I could stay inside that way. I couldn't do half of the exercises, a push up, yea, um, no, can't do. So instead of feeling energized I felt defeated. I thought something along the lines of, I can't tap into my emotions, I can't do a simple workout routine and I can't conquer a fucking cold. So instead of just feeling exhausted, I now felt exhausted, slow and sweaty. I just didn't feel any more strength left in me and I gave up and went into hiding. Hiding consisted mainly of watching the most useless series of all time while eating cookies and chocolate. I really hated myself and didn't care about whatever consequences there'd be. I knew I'd be (extra) sick when starting to eat the chocolate. It's my rational mind saying 'Please don't, you'll be sick and even more miserable. You have healthier options, those are good too. You already had cookies.' And my defeatist attitude is like 'Fuck me, Imma eat this chocolate and I don't care if that makes me sick and you're already miserable anyway. It can't get much worse. You have no power to stop yourself anyway. Give up.'

And I realized I am in the exact same position as I was last time I relapsed to gaming. It's the same fucking day even. I had a not very productive start of the week, nothing I would be proud of anyway. I caved into junkfood and had an emotional crisis on Thursday and fell asleep crying. I just feel everything is so overwhelming. I feel weak and unable to do what I expect myself to do. No emotional control, no progress in study, and right now I also feel unable to comply with the Beyond challenge, which is complimenting a stranger. I want to push myself to do it, but all it does is make me nervous and feel incompetent. I am rather fine with casually ignoring people in public spaces, reducing them to the obstacles they are. (I don't even want to know what this opinion says about me) Although I want to push my comfort zone, I want to do it in a way that feels useful to me too. Talking to strangers doesn't seem useful to me. I tried to do the challenge yesterday, maybe not the best thing while feeling miserable already, and I just hated the guts of every single stranger I saw. The cashier was the only one I was obliged to exchange words with, and I didn't like her hair, didn't like her face, and there was nothing more notable about her. Nothing worthy enough to step out of my comfort zone. Let's try and stop the rant. I will go swimming at 8:30, to clear my mind. I will try and complete some study related work. And I'll have a skype call at 16:00 with Hitaru. I can't relapse, I have to talk to Hitaru and I don't want to look weak and vulnerable. Perfect logic putting in here in this journal for him to read. Fucking hell, I'll tell him how pathetic I feel right away anyway. I really want to believe I am stronger then the last time. I just don't believe it right now.

Edited by Mhyrion

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Day 63

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Game free: 32 days

Soda free: 33 days

No junk food: 0 days

 

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Oh, if I could be consistent. I crumbled again yesterday and today. I keep reminding myself that failing is ok, that I can learn from it. If I don't do the learning part, it's never going to get better. But when I feel like I feel right now, it's hard to focus on positive things. It's like positive never existed.

 

I feel like in daily life, over time I build up a lot of negative energy. And then I crumble once it gets too much. So I need to find a way to deal with that. The point is that I am not really aware of it building up. When it's building up it's just a bit of a vague feeling that I am very used to suppress. I only notice all this when it's too late. Just reflecting a tiny bit on my life, suppressing emotions and exploding while hiding is a bit of a pattern. When I was a little kid it would be angry fits of rage. Later I just sobbed and cried in my room. And then sobbing turned into listening to dark music and cutting myself as a teenager. And that turned into gaming binges. So I need more awareness to prevent going into hiding. I feel like this time I put the hiding phase off pretty long, but it was painful to do. I felt myself slipping into confusion. In a way I'd rather not be aware of it and just get it over with.

 

I gave a second try to the compliment a stranger challenge. I failed. But I'm becoming very aware of people in public and all my habits to avoid contact. I was nervous to go out in public for the first time in years, which really bothered me. The awareness of how many people are actually there just freaked me out a bit (note, I live in the quietest little town). The awareness of my contact avoiding habits is more positive. I tried to look a bit more approachable today. I actually said hi to persons in the swimming pool. Although I am not sure why I would actually want that. Except for maybe completing a silly challenge, but why do I really want it? I saw someone else in the Beyond group getting a date, and that's nice. But I don't need dates, I am happy with my friends and the local people… well. On the one hand, what kind of cool strangers could I miss? On the other hand, strangers here are usually either the elderly or parents with kids, so not something I would like contact with. I just realized I find that so fucking uninspiring. I lived in Amsterdam for 4 months, that was way better. There's different cultures, different religions, different colours, creative things to do. Here's just this white, boring, politically correct bubble. I don't like my white bubble. Anyway, maybe it will be more interesting and easier for me to connect with some strangers at the academy.

 

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I'm grateful for:

-Hitaru

-phone

-water bottle

-wine

-sun
 

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I just noticed something. You reset your entire progress whenever you eat junk food. So you could not eat junk food for 29 days, but at the end of the month, you have a junk food meal, and suddenly it becomes 0 days again. The next day you would see 0 days, despite the huge accomplishment, which seems pretty discouraging. It seems like a system that puts a lot of pressure on you to be perfect.

A tip I learned for overcoming junk food addiction is to simply not have it inside the house. If it isn't there, then you have to eat healthy, or go through the trouble of going out for it, which is an obstacle. The more obstacles stand in the way, the better it is. We're hard-wired to seek foods that are very high in calories, so if it's in our immediate environment, it's just a matter of time before we eat it. It's a challenge if someone else in your household purchases a lot of junk food though...

Edited by Senescence

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I feel like in daily life, over time I build up a lot of negative energy. And then I crumble once it gets too much. So I need to find a way to deal with that. The point is that I am not really aware of it building up. When it's building up it's just a bit of a vague feeling that I am very used to suppress. I only notice all this when it's too late. Just reflecting a tiny bit on my life, suppressing emotions and exploding while hiding is a bit of a pattern. When I was a little kid it would be angry fits of rage. Later I just sobbed and cried in my room. And then sobbing turned into listening to dark music and cutting myself as a teenager.

Thanks for sharing. Your emotion is raw and moving.

The buildup of negative energy over the day rings so true. For me that energy builds and turns to anxiety until I can no longer focus on tasks. I've been fortunate in my new job that I can come and go as I please. Going for long walks, or climbs in the afternoon has been fantastic for flushing some of the negative feelings.

I like the way that you're being aware of it, monitoring how you react, and acknowleding sometimes there's only so much willpower and you're making better choices as often as you can. Keep it up!

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Day 96

 

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@Simms @Senescence @fil @Cam Adair Thanks for your replies. I appreciate it!

 

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Oh my, I forgot to update my journal. I did write some but I didn't get around to post anything. Long story short, my lack of consistency led to a lot of procrastinating, which led to feeling down, which in turn cascaded to a relapse past Monday. I am grateful that I only relapsed for 10 hours (I was very "efficient" with those hours though). This week wasn't the most productive, but I have spend a lot of time with on self development and social things. So it doesn't feel like a bad week to me. I also didn't procrastinate much, and if I did I stopped myself before going down to low quality shit. I didn't end up watching things that I don't have interest in. Right now I have (once more) committed myself to staying consistent. Gotta get those morning routines down and the rest of the days will follow.

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