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d.manuk

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Everything posted by d.manuk

  1. I went back in for a 2nd round of Kybella injections into my chin. I was told that I'd likely need 3 total. The before and after pictures after the first round didn't seem to have much of an effect. Hopefully with this second round I'll see more of a change. My work is starting to get busy so I've been a little stressed. The weather is cooling down which makes me anxious because it means winter is coming. I'm at least ready with most of my clothes for winter.
  2. A lot has happened in the past few days. Thursday: I worked out for 2.5 hours because I knew I wasn't going to work out Fri or Sat. It was a really good session. Right after I finished, my new friend texted me inviting me to a yoga class in an hour. I went even though I had already worked out a lot, and I managed pretty well. I sweat a lot. Friday: The day of the Beartooth concert! I took a train to Worcester. The commuter train is pretty gross and ghetto. I didn't like it. It made me really want a car. I checked into the hotel and went to the concert venue. It started off pretty well, but right before the main act got on stage I realized my phone was missing from my backpack. I got pretty bummed out immediately. Thoughts like "I'm going to need to spend $1k on a new phone UGH" ran through my head the whole time the best part of the concert was happening. It was hard to fully enjoy the band's performance but I tried my best to make the best of it. I was at 75% instead of 100%, which was a shame because I spent a good amount of money traveling to another city, booking a hotel, etc for this 1 show. At the end of the night, my phone was in the lost and found so my emotions swang back wildly into the positive. It was an emotional roller coaster of a night. Today: Since I had to check out of the hotel I had sex with 2 random guys this morning. I hadn't hooked up in a few months. I thought it was a decent experience for what it was. 1 was this hot college kid with a big eggplant. It kind of made me feel bad that I can't get guys like that as easily in my hometown because it's a bit further outside the city and not as accessible for people. It's not easy for socializing and stuff but I'm priced out of Boston. My scars from laser scar removal seem to start to be fading a little which is making me optimistic for what they'll look a year from now. I still want to grow out my hair more. I decided that I want to buy a condo instead of a home, because I don't need a lot of space and I'm not sure I want a yard anymore because I don't like taking care of things and plants seem to get sick and diseases easily and need maintenance and stuff. My new goal is to buy a condo in a minimalist building that doesn't have a fitness center/etc because I wouldn't use that stuff anyway. This is close to a gym I really like. That I can afford the monthly payments + have a car too. Right now with my lifestyle I can only afford to rent alone, but I will look into condos a bit more next year when my lease is up.
  3. There's a really friendly girl in my gym classes that I've been making an effort to befriend because she's a friendly extrovert that was initially very nice to me and spoke to me first. Today she chatted me up again and I made an effort to continue the conversation, I had previously added her on Instagram to signal I wanted to be her friend, and after class she asked if I wanted to hang out for a bit and get tea after class and I said definitely. It turns out she lives very close to the gym (which also means close to me). We have enough overlap in our interests that I think we could be friends if we put in the effort. We walked around the neighborhood and I went up into her apartment and met her roommates and her guinea pig. We exchanged numbers and will probably hang out again in the upcoming weeks. I'm happy that it seems like we might become friends. We have the same big interests: classes at my little gym, plants, arts and crafts. She could be my first real friend here in Boston! I honestly was expecting to have to put in more work and time to find a friend, aka 2023. To have it happen this naturally has definitely lifted my mood a bit. 🙂
  4. I had a meeting with the owner of my gym today to review my 2.5 months of progress in their personal training program. I go the mandatory 3 days a week, and have been doing an optional 4th workout day on my own. I gained 3.3lbs of lean muscle in 75 days, or about ~1.3 lbs of lean muscle per month. My body fat percentage has stayed about the same, hovering in the 16% area. (Results being tracked through inbody tests). I've been gaining weight and am at 5'10 and 180lbs now, but I've been relatively happy with how my body has looked, especially in the past week. I've been feeling more muscular. I thought gaining about 1lb of muscle per month was good progress. However, he said that I should be doing more and recommended adding in an additional optional option workout day and including some cardio on the optional workout days too. I felt really defeated when he said that. I thought I had been doing well, and he said it was good but seemed kind of disappointed by my progress. I think he was expecting something closer to 2lbs lean muscle per month. I also felt a bit overwhelmed by his recommendation because 5 days at the gym seems like a lot, but it just goes to show how much work is required to get a good physique. I'm going to follow his recommendation but I honestly feel a bit sad. I already feel like my life revolves around the gym, but now that feeling is going to increase even more. I hope I don't get burned out.
  5. I don't think I'm going to be ready to socialize and date until Summer 2023 if I'm being honest.
  6. "Too blessed to be stressed" I heard this saying today for this first time and I like it hahaha
  7. I gained 2lb of muscle, gained 5 pounds total, and decreased my bodyfat percentage by 0.5% in 2 months since I started the personal training sessions I want to try harder and see if I can get 3lbs of muscle in the next 2 months
  8. I’m a happy homebody, and a minimalist that prefers simplicity. I’m sensitive and feel really close to my friends because I’m selective with who I connect with. I have a naughty sense of humor. I grew up in NYC for the first 30 years of my life. I like to weightlift, go on nature walks, and make art. I’ll listen to anything with a heavy beat - techno, house, rap, metalcore, k pop... I eat a lot of grilled beef and lamb. Being gay is a very small part of my life & into guys that are the same. I’m sober, but not because I have any issues. I want to own a house in a quieter suburb with a nice private backyard with lots of trees and plants.
  9. Somehow I feel like getting rid of these plants was important, I've wanted to do it for a while but felt like I couldn't, it feel like a pipe was unplugged and I'm being pretty productive now.
  10. I threw out all the plants and cleaned all the containers to prepare to sell them. This is now a plant free home 🥰
  11. Actually 2 other plants were infested. So now I only have one left, and it's one that I grew from a complete baby tiny stem. It's funny because this plant is a complete attention whore and likes to push other plants out of it's way. It's a weed and very hardy. Lol. I guess the queen got what she wanted! #lastonestanding
  12. My largest plant got a spider mite infestation and I threw it out. It's possible that the others are infested and just aren't as far gone yet so I'm going to give them all showers tonight which is annoying because they're all large plants and hard to handle. I have 3 plants left. I think this could have been prevented if I took a bit better care of it, but I don't like taking care of anything other than myself (and maybe a little bit my significant other). I'm kind of tempted to throw out all of my plants lol But I like how they look I think as time has passed, I've been cutting down on my hobbies significantly, lasering my focus onto a few. My body and appearance is my top hobby I'm even getting kind of bored with painting
  13. After about two weeks, I stopped doing nofap because it was causing my stomach to hurt a lot. I feel a lot better now. I think it made me skin look really good though, so I'll continue "nofapping" but probably only do it in 1 or 2 week intervals.
  14. I’m going to try nofap for 2 months and I’m already a bit over a week in. To be honest it’s not hard at all, I’ve been really low on sexual energy for a while now and I’m doing this to try to repair myself. I get erections at night while I sleep but not during the day. I was having a lot of sex and masterbating just because I was bored, not because I was horny. I learned that you can deep condition your eyebrows, armpits, pubes and I tried it and I think it makes me look a little bit better so I’m happy with that. I bought some cologne samples and some new deodorants and I’m going to play around with that a little bit. I had such a good gym week last week, I did 4 really intense days and I’m proud. I have my first laser scar removal appointment on Thursday and I’m happy to start the process.
  15. I have a deep well of anger that I can draw from. It’s a well that is usually covered; I’m usually happy and when something goes wrong I don’t get too mad. However, the tension from getting mad gets stored in my body, it’s not easy to hold back a lion. I do my best to reduce it, but I think it’s too deep to ever go away. My childhood and life experiences haven’t always been the best. The phrase “I hate everyone” is a little extreme and not really how I feel, but isn’t as untrue as I wish it would be. I think I could kill someone without feeling too bad about it. The way I’ve been trying to take water out of the well is through exercise and getting regular massages and to keep myself as happy as possible.
  16. I actually think writing and updating the bio describing myself is helpful because it frames the way I think about myself. It’s clear I have a lot of negative opinions about certain aspects of myself, and I think working through that and writing an accurate description of myself that I like will help me present myself more confidently to others.
  17. Whew, I just finished cleaning my entire apartment... I've been meaning to do it for weeks now but have felt low energy/unmotivated. Well the time felt right and I listened to a podcast while cleaning. I also went grocery shopping this morning, yesterday I worked for a lot of the day to catch up for next week. ☺️
  18. I decided to re-follow my ex on Instagram. I no longer feel grossed out when I think of him, instead I feel amused that we dated for 6 years. I think this means that I’ve finished the grieving process of our relationship. Interestingly despite this action of mine, I still don’t really want to talk to him. I guess I just want him in my pocket as part of my past instead of ignoring his existence.
  19. I plan on playing the New World MMO when it comes out. I’m looking forward to playing it but am not going to discuss it much since this is Gamequitters. As long as I’m not wasting my life playing League of Legends or having sex because I’m bored, I’ll feel like I’m winning at life. I doubt I’ll have a toxic relationship with this game, I’ll probably play for a while until I get bored in the same way I did with Maplestory 2 a few years ago. I got the first round of shots in my neck of Kybella, and it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. It feels strange but I have a feeling like I’ll like the results by the end. I also got the consultation and have my first round of laser scar removal in 2 weeks, which I am very excited for. I’m thinking that I’ll continue working on myself and avoid dating/hooking up at a minimum until the Kybella treatments are over (3 months minimum), or until the laser scar removal is over with (approximately 6-9 months). After my health scare a few weeks ago, I’ve deleted all of the romance related apps on my phone and haven’t felt like I’m missing out on anything yet. As I look into the future, I’m going to type out a “real” dating app bio here below, and then I’ll spend time softening and deleting most of it so that I don’t sound so unpleasant. Just reading through it once, I sound so high maintenance, but I suppose that I am in reality. I don’t sound particularly likeable, I’ll probably just keep all of the positive sounds parts. Hi, I’m David. I grew up in NYC for the first 30 years of my life. I had a lot of unique and interesting experiences there, but ultimately left because it’s not the type of environment I thrive in. I want to own a house in a quieter suburb with a nice private backyard with lots of trees and plants. I really like my privacy and part of the reason why I left NYC was because I disliked having strangers look at me: walking down the street, and even when I’m walking around inside my apartment on the 20th floor people could easily see me unless I had the blinds closed. I’m a very sensitive person. I’m usually really happy and like to smile, though when I get upset I get very upset. I don’t have a snowflake personality, but I’m sensitive in almost every other way. I have a hard time watching horror movies or awkward comedy like The Office. I usually have to pause a show a lot if it's an awkward comedy or if things get too exciting. I don’t like sarcasm or dry humor. When I get nervous, I feel a lot of butterflies in my stomach. I’m introverted and although I like socializing 1 on 1 with people I’m really close to, I dislike meeting new people and talking in groups. I feel really connected to my close friends. I’m a minimalist because I don’t like cleaning, and because less visual clutter is more relaxing to me. I can’t be in the sun for too long because I have sensitive skin. I also have a restricted diet because a lot of food gives me acne. I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. I like masculine men. Feminine men make me uncomfortable. Politically, I’m moderate-conservative though I’m not really hung up on political labels. I don’t like Ru Paul’s drag race. I’m a Scorpio and although I don’t care too much about astrology, the typical Scorpio characteristics are extremely accurate for me. I don’t like pets, especially dogs. I’m not going to date someone with a dog, and I find them annoying, needy, and unintelligent. I do love animals and enjoy mostly looking at them. I don’t want children. I’m not close with my parents and don’t have a tight knit family dynamic. I’m only really close to my grandma. I have no siblings. I’m naked as much as possible, especially in the summer. I like to be comfortable. How much money you earn isn’t that important to me. I don’t enjoy eating tasting menus in 3 Michelin starred restaurants, and I don’t want to travel much anymore. I’ve experienced enough of that and realized it wasn’t really what I liked. I understand that this isn’t exactly a relatable paragraph to most people. My love language is touch. I like holding hands a lot and I want you to grab my butt haha. I like to weightlift, I hike and paint, I love watching TikTok videos, I like comedies and silly feel good movies. I love to watch anime but don’t like talking about it. I like to play online video games. I eat a lot of beef and lamb. Let’s do an activity for a date, rather than just meeting and talking. I listen to music a lot. I like techno and heavy metalcore. I think K Pop and heavy metal are more similar than you’d expect. I like fantasy and fiction, though not sci do because I don’t like guns, I like magic. I eat really healthy, I haven’t eaten any kind of desert or deep fried food in over 10 years.
  20. The earliest fully formed memory from my childhood is me as a toddler sitting in a high chair. My mom has cooked lentils for me to eat, and puts it down in front of me. She turns around to do something, and during that time I push the plate off the table and the food falls on the floor. My mother turns around and slaps me and starts yelling. I start crying. Now, through my elimination diet, I've realized that beans seem to trigger my acne quite a bit and are a food I'm intolerant of.
  21. I went to my workout class today, it was hard and I felt nauseous towards the end. I hit all the definitions of a high sensitive person: https://tangramwellness.com/blog//the-highly-sensitive-body-handle-with-care I came across this a few years ago but forgot about it The digestive stuff is very accurate as well as the skin conditions too, aside from all of the introvert stuff Still not really sure what to do with this info though
  22. I don't think my focus on appearance is anything new, I'm sure I've mentioned acne in at least half of my journal posts over the past 4 years or so lol. However, I'm now focused on appearance even more than before. Initially, I was focused on acne because I had a lot of it even though I was eating really healthy and I was exasperated and it negatively affected the way I acted in my previous relationship. Now that I'm getting to the bottom of a lot of the causes of it, I can focus on improving my appearance in other ways as well. I am naturally good looking. I think I have a lot of potential to be really handsome. I wouldn't have landed a 7 year relationship with a guy that spent so much money on me living an Instagram life if I weren't physically attractive. I am also excited about reinventing myself a little bit, getting to the root of acne which has been causing insecurity, and flourishing like a seed that's finally been watered. I'm redoing my wardrobe as well now, and want to dress up more even when doing casual errands so I'm always prepared to meet someone. I'm also going to start the process of getting laser scar removal next week, and am considering getting Coolsculpting on the fat underneath my chin. I'm also growing out my hair a little bit more. I'm excited hehe Yes, I like to sleep with people and get validation from other people and have them say that I am attractive. I've had some pretty hot guys tell me how hot I am and then we have sex and it's an ego boost for sure and helps give me an objective idea of where my place is the social order. I also do it because it's the easiest way to socialize in a fun way. When it comes down to it, pretty much any guy will initially want me for my looks first and personality second. That's just how guys are. It's important to be physically attractive, I think even more so in the gay community than for straight guys. Generally speaking women don't care as much about muscles and being fit, but gay men appreciate the male form more deeply and so it's highly important to look good. If I want to attract someone with a decent personality and be hot, I will need to be a bombshell. There's a lot of competition in my city, because it's a college town and there's a lot of young boys here that I'm directly competing with. It's a somewhat unique situation and not tilted not in my favor. I went to the gym today right after I got the negative results back. I was really tired but I really just wanted to start getting back into the routine because I feel like I lost a lot of momentum. It was a light and easy day, because I have obviously been sick with something and was still low energy but I feel happy that I went and I'm excited to work out next week 3x again. I hope I didn't catch the delta COVID variant lol. The change in my mood after getting the good news was DRASTIC lol
  23. According to the lab results, I don't have an STD after all. Seems like maybe I had some kind of small pimple or blister that popped and caused temporary discomfort. Very weird, but I am always really nervous about STDs so not surprising I freaked out. Hopefully no new symptoms or anything pop up in the next few days. I feel very silly but relieved at the moment hehe
  24. So a bit earlier in the journal I said I'd try not to sleep around, and I did, but then I forgot I was doing that and slept with a bunch of people just because I was bored. This was stupid and I regret it, and sadly I got an STD from that. I have to take a good amount of time off from the gym which is really disappointing to me. I think I acted this way in part because I know that I'm still not in a good place to date anyone seriously. It all boils down to my elimination diet, until I have it fully figured out, I'm not going to want to go out to eat on dates etc... I'm going to go to more social meetups instead of hooking up with guys through apps. Last week my company had a party and it was the first time since I moved to Boston where I had a deep and interesting conversation with someone.... in over a year. It was really needed and made me feel good. I've only been socializing through hookup apps and having to pay for the interaction with my body essentially. A bump in the road, but hopefully I'm going to be back on the right track, 2 steps forward 1 step back. Really bummed about not being able to work out for a while though.