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Mhyrion

Mhyrions journey

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Day 97

 

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What is Hitaru?

What is Hitaru?

He is a Game Quitters Legend, and the Official Game Quitters Ambassador to Spain: @Hitaru

^.^

<3

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Today was once more a not so productive day for my study. This morning I felt like I did all the steps to be productive. I did my morning routine, I had a schedule, I felt fine emotionally. But I still was so attracted to procrastinating. So there had to be something wrong, else I wouldn't act in that way. But I couldn't find the cause. When I went outside for a walk, I started to feel nervous. I still don't know why, it didn't make sense. I guess it still doesn't really. It's getting a bit frustrating again, but I've learned this week that being patience with myself is a lot more useful. So I am going to try to be kind and patient with myself. I also got to the conclusion that I do not like the way I perceive life. I rather see challenges instead of struggles, opportunities for growth instead of potential to fail. That's also why I need more patience with myself, because a lot of these changes are going to take time and consistency over time. 

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I am back to my happy state and today has been a good day so far. The only thing that really went wrong is that I decided to breakfast with chocolate. But, besides that.. I've been productive for my study and might've found a media music student that's willing to make music for my animations. That would be super awesome. It also motivated me to update some of my old sketches and adjust the wording of my concept. I need to be able to convey my ideas on this person who's not into visual image making, so it needs to be clear. I also done a lot of little household and administration tasks, and as a result my head has much space to think now. My commitment to my morning routine is having a good effect. Now I need to stay consistent (and not get cocky and think I can go without) I am also committed to staying kind and patience with myself. This is having a good effect also. I am less afraid to make mistakes this way.
 

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I had a great week, until I relapsed again. I was super busy, doing all kind of things I wanted to do. Put in a lot of study hours, caught up with my sister, had good conversations with my hubby. I was super chaotic though, which led to some frustration. I decided to be kind with myself, but I was making it really hard to do so. I went to get groceries without bags. Half an hour lost. I got to the train station without my card. Another half an hour lost. I took a intercity instead of a sprinter train. Another half an hour lost and also 15 euros. And then I forgot a skype appointment, which made me feel very irresponsible and untrustworthy. I tried to laugh it off and/or be relaxed about it. But it all added up, I was done with it. I came home at Thursday night, somewhat frustrated. I had a headache, and the train failed me, but it was not tóó bad. I was very happy with my progress for my study this week, I was proud to be consistent with my morning routine. I was reasonably happy. But on Friday….

 

On Friday, I woke up, headache wasn't gone yet. I felt like shit due to my period, but I knew it was coming. I had an appointment at the academy, to ensure that I would be productive. But hubby was also gone for two days. And hubby being gone, means the opportunity to relapse. This has taught me that there's something wrong with my reasons to stay game free and progress. I don't need to stay game free for my hubby, although that's one of the best reasons. But I should do it for me. My relapse was really bad. I played for about 30 hours straight, no sleep, loads of coffee, only a couple of small activities of at most a half hour in between. I didn't even do this shit when I was gaming every day. If you know me, you know that my nights sleep is sacred to me. Sleep deprivation was an interesting physical experience, but I rather not repeat. Hubby has now disabled me from downloading my favourite venom, I am probably not crafty enough to bypass whatever he did to lock me out. On one hand I'm happy with this, because it's a form of help. On the other hand I want this to not be necessary, but it is.

 

After relapsing I felt really bad. I still do. I want to snap out of it. Change the meaning of this shit from struggle into challenge. I fail. Everything feels like a fucking struggle challenge today. It is pathetic. I have to go to the academy to save my stuff which I left in the room that's no longer under my reservation today. Besides that I promised hubby to stay alive and not harm myself today, which should be attainable. I can't imagine how hubby feels about me right now. It must be super frustrating for him too, to have a wife that just keeps falling back into old and harmful habits. He's been so kind to me, hugging and cuddling me, putting up with all my crying. I don't know what I would do without him. He said I could call him when things get too bad. I told him we both know I will never do that. That's part of the problem. When things go to shit, I will not inform anyone. I have so many people in my life that have offered me to be there for me, that I can app/text/call them when I need them. But I never do. It's too great a risk to show this irrational, dark side of me. Especially if I have to face them irl after that. I can't even put up with myself, let alone other people. This is also part of the problem, the fact that I just can't stand myself to be around with 24/7. Geez, who would want that? I can't keep up how I am 100% happy the one moment and 100% depressed at the other moment. And how I know what actions to undertake, but I just don't do those. Or what actions to avoid and purposefully choosing to do those when I am in one of my destructive moods. My self-knowledge is more often times hurting me then helping me. I don't understand the whole 'I feel bad, let's make it worse' kind of moods I get into. Why? Sitting it out would be a better option then making it worse on purpose. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll always end up exactly like this. And that makes me want to forget about life at all. What's the point of it if I can't change the outcome? I don't care if I can be happy for 2 months in a row if I still end up like this miserable ball of human I am now. I can't build a stable and respectable life around being unstable.

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Hi Myhyrion.

I read your journal and your latest post.

I have 2 pieces of advice for you. 1# pick 1 person and promise to call him/her when you feel really, really bad. Depressed or hurting yourself. Trust him or her with handling how shitty you feel.

and 2# The goal can never be stable on its own. Take 3 things, or less, or more that you want to do right. Maybe journal here should be 1 of them. Doing these things right is being stable. It never is about feeling great, or awesome, or feeling stabilized the whole day. 

 

Greetz,

Rick

PS: your mood swings. The extremity of it, the conscious decisions to go deeper in the the dark. It will shatter. Probably not today, but maybe tomorrow. Maybe you see what good you did yesterday, and you know you can do it again.  

 

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Sorry to hear you've relapsed :(  I have the same issue that blocks me from reaching out to anyone for help in my bad moments. It just feels too awkward to me to bother anyone about my cravings to relapse.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you came back here! I read your journal regularly and definitely would miss you if you've given up now 

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Thanks for your support guys! <3

 

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I've been recovering from my relapse and terrible mood. I have not been greatly productive, also because I totally dumped the good habits I build up. Gotta get those back on track again. Being consistent really isn't my strong point. :/  Completing the goals I set for myself (like completing a morning routine everyday) is not faring too well either with my relapses. I also feel like I put to much worth on my morning routine, not doing it doesn't automatically means my day is ruined. It greatly helps to do them, it's not to be underestimated, but I shouldn't go on a guilt trip every time I skip it (partly). But the one habit I want to pick back up asap is eating and drinking healthy again. I was so happy with more energy, and now I am destroying it again. Maybe I should consider myself a sugar addict too. Today I had an energy drink, the first after a month or so soda free. It's nice (?) to notice the effect is has on my focus, because it is utterly destroyed. I wasn't aware that the effect was so big, but experiencing it like this is a good wake up call. 

 

Lately I've been indulging myself in sermons and social activities from church, and it makes me happy. Tonight we have another meeting, and I am really looking forward to it. Last time I picked up translating (we're watching English spoken sermons), and that really made me feel useful and happy. The preacher also has a fat accent and mumbles at times, so I feel it's improving my English listening skills at the same time I learn new things. They're happy evenings too, with a lot of laughing and smiling and funny/powerful Holy Ghost things. It feels weird to move back to all this, but also comforting and, dare I say it, purposeful. I believe I've said in this journal before that I cannot go back to my Christianity without going fully (and radically) for it, and I believe I can. I am not sure how much of it I want to share here, faith and the internet normally don't go well together.

 

So, I told myself that I don't want to be a rollercoaster, that I should not say this time and again about myself as it is confirming an image that I do not want to be true about my life. But then I see what I wrote today, and what I wrote yesterday morning, and I cannot deny the mood swings that are happening. It feels strange to enjoy my happiness today, as it, considering the downs that it will be in between, will be short and feels in that way superficial.

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I am back to my happy peak. I am enjoying it today. The sun was also shining today, things like that really help. I was pretty productive, but I am through my focus now. But I am satisfied that I have only done activities today that I want to do. No procrastination. That doesn't mean I did the most important stuff first, but still. It's pretty easy being patient and kind with myself when happy and doing useful things.

 

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Thank you again for sharing your journey, it's inspirational.

Those last few posts are a rollercoaster. Very glad to hear you've found a happy peak again. So good you have the support in your life too. Keep up the good work!

 

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 @Simms I'm inspirational now... O.o Woo!

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I had trouble getting out of bed this morning (or rather, I went back in), which is atypical for me when in a happy mood. When I finally got out I was productive for a while, but only for a short time. I got a headache in the afternoon which severely limited me. I took care of the most important stuff however. I had some very strong game cravings today when I was on my way home. I felt like 'damn, it would be awesome to play my favourite champion right now, I'd be so useful and it would be fun too (etc)'. Which was a bit of a strange thought, because I was useful enough today and the spring-like weather ensured that I felt good, with or without a headache. I bribed myself with a milkshake; can have a milkshake, can't have games. That settled it and gave me some room to think about it. It's not much of a solution though, and it would make me super fat if I'd handle everything that way. (BUT, rather fat and happy then gaming while skinny!) I should find other ways to bribe/distract myself. Especially when having a headache, which happens often, and eating/drinking something sugary isn't exactly helping to feel better in that aspect. In a way, I feel like I still haven't found all the activities I need to replace gaming. Only faith, hubby and friends feel quite as satisfying, but anything else, especially study related things seem so dull and…. Unfun. I am a spoiled brat as it comes to entertainment. I've been wondering lately if it's not just the whole generation that suffers from it. Binging on series seems to be something everyone I know at the same age or somewhat younger, can relate to. Also waiting for something; progress, results, whatever, seems so tedious and not very common. I am not used to waiting to get what I want. It's supposed to be all instant, right? Instant food, instant levels, instant access. Perhaps I do not only need more patience with myself, but more patience in general.

 

Also, the Netherlands have voted. We are not going to have mini-Trump as prime-minister! But we also have 13 (!!) different parties in…… Wait, I don't know English words for politics.. *scratches head* (…) … main government?? Cabinet? Anyway, 13 parties are going to make things pretty bureaucratic and slow, which concerns me a bit.

 

I just realized btw, that I am totally making true the quote I set as my signature here. Ha.

 

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@Cam Adair The link doesn't work right, but I believe I saw the vid you're referring to. I think Simon looks and talks like a knows-it-all, so I always have a tough time taking him serious. But, to the point, I guess instant gratification really is a theme for this generation, and certainly for my life.

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Interestingly enough, I had even more trouble getting out of bed this morning then yesterday. I made a ton of sleeping hours this week, but I feel tired non the less. I have been procrastinating on my study tasks today, I guess going back to bed is just one of the ways to avoid it. Trying to figure out what seems so unappealing. I actually had a good plan to make some sketches come alive (FINALLY!), so that should make me excited. Except it doesn't. I've been wondering, rather then only cutting games, if I also cut out easy entertainment out of my life, perhaps I can get used to being not super entertained all of the time. And less entertaining things can become more appealing again. Of course, there'll always be unfun/tedious/shitty tasks and things at life. But right now things that should motivate and inspire me, don't do that to a satisfying extent or to the extent I know they can. I can instantly watch a yt vid when bored or uninspired but firstly, it doesn't make me any less bored or any more inspired and secondly it gives a signal that I don't have to sit and be with myself and that being any less then instantly and brain-dead entertained is a bad thing. I don't think it is a bad thing at all and if I want to live to be 80, I better get used to me. There, blocked some brain-dead entertainment sites I like right now. Immediately wondering how long it will take to get used to a life without instant entertainment, but it will be worth it if I can enjoy other things more. BRING ON THE CRAVINGS! *warrior shouts* Thinking some more, instant gratification is not only a thing for entertainment for me, it is -of course- also the same with food. My food habits have spiraled out of control again to the point I am almost back at square one. But I cannot simply stop eating to reset my brain. Or stop eating sugar all together to reset that part of the brain. I cannot even stop buying mainly-sugar-products because hubby likes them and I do the groceries. I guess the first step is the same as last time, provide healthy options for myself. Back on that. Wait... Now I'll have both game, entertainment and food cravings at the same time. I am not sure how that's going to work for me.  

Edited by Mhyrion

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Of course, I got bored out of my mind. I took a break this morning, and realized most of my breaks are filled with useless videos. Now I got the 'this site is blocked' pop up every now and then while browsing. When I got too bored browsing through facebook, and was up to date with the GQ forum and Beyond group, I started working on my study. I continued working on it, even though I was extremely bored. I didn't have anything better to do anyway. I am preparing myself to feel more of this boredom the coming days. I am hoping it will not be weeks. Right now I've reached a point where I am both bored and out of focus and it starting to make me feel stressed. Now I am aware of that, I can take proper action on it. I will go outside to get some fresh air, perhaps I manage to study some more after that.

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I am trying to do the same thing, I think.

 

I have found abstaining from easy entertainment is hard to do outside of the apartment at times. For example, you are in an elevator with other people. It is a bit of an awkward situation. To avoid that discomfort, most people will browse their phones otherwise you end up looking in one place in the elevator avoiding other peoples' eyes. I am struggling with how to feel ok in those types of situations because I am also trying to be very mindful of my 'easy entertainment' usage, which is also including music/earbuds in public. The stage I am in now is making lists of things I want to do/chores to do when I am in these situations, which is a bit of a compromise and I am able to see how I am still avoiding the true nature of the issue - being at peace, content, and comfortable in any situation without outside help - but at least it makes me feel more like I am doing something useful.

 

I hope we discover some good insights into this. ^_^

Edited by Shine Magical

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+1 to what Cam said. If you feel a constant tug to turn on some electronic device when you have a couple minutes of down time, like when you take the elevator, something's not quite right with your brain (sorry to say, but it's true!). We are supposed to be naturally comfortable for a few minutes without distractions. You gotta learn to meditate to beat this problem. You'll power through some initial 'detox' phase and it will no longer be a problem that needs to be solved with willpower afterwards. The thing that many people don't realize is that these opportunities are perfect for meditating. We don't have to set aside a certain period of time to meditate every day at home if we can make use of our down time outside the house and use waiting time as meditation time. It's not like we need to be sitting in a lotus position to meditate. You can learn to focus on your breath and empty your mind anywhere, anytime. :)

Edited by Senescence

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It's midday and I've basically done everything I normally would do on a Saturday. And I took my sweet time about it, even walked somewhere instead of cycling. That means I normally spend about half of the day doing useless stuff. It's a Saturday, so I am relaxed about things, but this ratio doesn't seem to be balanced. But I am not sure what I want to do right now. I can think of plenty (useful) things, but I don't feel bothered to start any of them. On the other hand, if I just sit here, I'll get bored enough in a while that I'll go and do something, anything. I guess. I am wondering how I should go about it. It's not bad to be bored. Even though there are some feelings of guilt involved, there's plenty to do. 'ARE YOU GRADUATED YET?' Sigh. Some boredom is ok. But if I am just going to sit around doing nothing, it's just another, less entertaining form of procrastination.

 

@Shine Magical I didn't even think of the outdoors in this aspect yet. I don't have an internet subscription on my phone, I guess that helps. I am not sure if I count music as easy entertainment, perhaps it is, but it is so useful to put myself in a good mood that I do not want to cut it out of my life. I had an interesting experience as far as connecting with strangers goes a couple of weeks ago, when the Beyond challenge was to compliment a stranger. Still haven't done that, but I said hi to some people and had two or three random conversations with people. I didn't find it worthwhile for the effort it takes me to be open and friendly towards strangers, but I now know I can do it. And I can perhaps use it in situations where strangers are a little bit less strange, like in places where I already have something in common with people. What kind of things do you plan to do in these situations?

 

@Senescence For me it would be prayer, but I really like the idea of seeing 'empty' spaces in my schedule as an opportunity for mindfulness instead of viewing them as boring and useless.

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Yup, prayer can work! But prayer and meditation aren't mutually exclusive. Repeating a prayer can be a mantra, which is a great way to meditate, especially for beginners. Most meditation being done around the world is deeply religious in nature, it's just that we have secularized it in the West and don't tend to use mantras or prayers.

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Things I have done yesterday and today instead of watching useless, cheap content:

-read

-chilled with the cat

-chilled, talked, cuddled and watched series together with hubby

-cooked and took time to prepare fried eggs for lunch

-cleaned

-went to church and stayed afterwards to socialize

-sat around bored but relaxed, not sleeping, just sitting

-prayed/sang/danced

-went for a walk

 

This is me quitting gaming all over again, haha. I sure have a lot of time on my hands now and I am enjoying it. Big difference this time around is that I am so much more patient with and aware of myself and that I have a lot of habits actually supporting progress. Also, I went from happy peak, to little less happy, to happy peak again. Boom. No need to go totally down after a total up. Prove right here. This weeks feels important to me. I can get so much shit done.

 

I am starting to re-embrace my identity as a Christian. It feels like solid ground under my feet, and makes me feel very loved and strong. This Tuesday I have counseling again, and I am so looking forward to it. I feel like my life is being swept clean again and I have this loving family that think alike me and can back me up. It's just amazing. I feel blessed.

 

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Weekly goals:

-Fully animate 1 minute 30 in the animation room I reserved on Monday - Wednesday (That's 1000 pictures folks, woo). This is important to complete because I can then: receive feedback from tutors on the images, pick up contact again with the student that offered to make the sound, improve the current product, arrange a acting student to do the voice-over. Basically, any progress will rely on this. I want to do this. I need to do this. I want to move on. I feel motivated to move on. I do not want to slack off. It doesn't need to be perfect this time around, it's a learning progress. If I do well, I can use big parts of what I make in the final product. If I fail in that, I have learned what I need to do to actually make pictures good enough to use in the final product. Whatever happens, it's a win. I already consider it a win.

-Finish one 3d sketch of the treehouse. Remember it's a sketch. No need for perfection, things can still be changed. This will open up discussion with tutors and fellow students about the design.

-Speak with both tutors about my current progress of my graduation project. I need to prepare the conversations and make sure I get the most out of it.

-Give 100% to counseling on Tuesday. The last and first counseling session was super stimulating and this time round time is a bit shorter, so I need to be focused and prepared.

-Continue being kind and patience with myself. (Not sure how to measure that)

-Update in Beyond about contact with tutors(Monday and prolly Thursday) and challenges if they arise.

 

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I sure have a lot of time on my hands now and I am enjoying it. Big difference this time around is that I am so much more patient with and aware of myself and that I have a lot of habits actually supporting progress. Also, I went from happy peak, to little less happy, to happy peak again. Boom. No need to go totally down after a total up. Prove right here. This weeks feels important to me. I can get so much shit done.

So proud of you!!  

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Today was productive. I could've done more, but I felt exhausted near the end of the day and wanted to take a breather at home before making dinner. Besides that, the work went fine. I also had a nice talk with my tutor. I think I handled myself well in explaining my project and came across modestly confident. He seemed optimistic and also gave some suggestions. I have to take some time to think about it. Even though my overall mood today was positive, I seemed to get grumpy quite easily. I hurt myself while working, it appears to be a minor thing but it's annoying and not easily ignored. I don't want to get distracted by little things like that, but I totally was. I also discovered that the academy scheduled a meeting for tomorrow at 15.00, but I have to leave for counseling at that time and I scheduled thàt appointment 3 weeks ago. I really hate it when they just schedule something for us without asking and not giving heads up in time. I hope one of the other students can swap times.

 

This morning I had some short but strong game cravings. I feel like I have more game cravings then I had the last times around, but maybe I am just more aware of it. I failed to resist my food cravings today. And right now I am totally craving some cheap and braindead content. Instead, I am going to relax for a bit and then commence with my household duties.

 

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Weekly goals:

-Fully animate 1 minute 30 (120/~1080 photos)

-Speak with both tutors (1/2)

-Give 100% to counselling

-preparation (0/1)

-counselling (0/1)

-Continue being kind and patience with myself. (Not sure how to measure that)

-Update in Beyond

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I had a terrible nights sleep, woke up to my phone seemingly dead (it looks like it's working again, but I'm suspicious) and hubby was whining about lack of underwear (just fucking grab it of the fucking line yourself) and then when I already looked pretty stressed he asked me when I am going to pick up cycling to the academy again. I was not planning on that, and he's pushed me so often to go exercise more, it's only annoys me. I asked him if he rather had cold food in the evening while I left for swimming and the answer was yes. Fine then. But I know already he will not eat when I do not put it on a plate for him. (pathetic, really) I should be able to let that go, let him go hungry, but I am the one having to deal with the whining that follows up on that and I actually like and take pride in caring for him. Hah, my tone of voice (type?) is even grumpier then I thought it would be. Lack of gratification setting in. Detox is working. I also was a bit upset with hubby because I heard him fapping yesterday evening. This made me feel sad, we had a lot of sex last weekend and I really want to be able to suffice for him. I don't mind him masturbating when I have been 'unavailable'/uninterested for a while, but clearly it doesn’t matter how hard I try to connect with him on this area, it's never enough.

 

And now I really need to shake all of these feelings off and focus on my work at hand at the academy today. *takes deep breath*

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Yesterday was challenging. I failed my way through photographing, I had some technical issues that I had trouble fixing. I am glad I have (taken) the time to fail. It was frustrating, but necessary and I am proud I didn't give up. I also gave counseling my 100% and I felt really great afterwards. When the evening arrived, the day became more challenging. Hubby decided to not inform me about the developments in his job. Instead, he chose to tell that he might lose his job this week while we were with a group of people. Geez. I am disappointed that he didn't trust me with this beforehand, but perhaps he also felt ashamed. When we arrived home after that, I was super tired and didn't have any energy left to talk with him. I wanted to sleep, but I didn't fall asleep until ~01:00 due to a headache and hubby staying up late browsing etc. We quarreled a bit about it, and I felt horrible. I have enough self-knowledge to know I can't function with a headache and 5 hours sleep, so I slept in this morning and took a long hot shower to feel a bit better. Good decisions. I am a bit annoyed with my brain, because I dreamt about gaming again. I guess it's the stress and also lack of instant gratification which makes the urges stronger. I will adapt. After the shower I proceeded with my day as I normally would, only with everything two hours later then normal. I fixed my technical problem this morning, the solution was really simple but I didn't think of it. I will never reach my goal of 1 minute 30 due to all the delay, but I have learned a lot of practical stuff and still have a lot of images to work and proceed with.

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