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Mhyrion

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Up and down continued. I had an absolutely dreadful weekend. I ruined a job interview on Friday due to nerves, insecurity and a bad mix of honesty and bluff (too much honesty). I tried to hide from my excruciating feelings of self-doubt and hate with wine and games. Well, I succeeded to hide, but then you have to return to a sober state and you realize how much time you've wasted. I keep returning to the things I know don't work. Today however, I feel surprisingly happy and motivated. I have no clue as to what caused this sudden good mood.

I've ID'd my third plant, it is a succulent(yay!) and it's called a Crassula Smithii. It doesn't have any other fancy names unfortunately. It also doesn't look very content either, I hope I can keep it alive. I've replanted all my plants from their original plastic container and investigated further how to water and feed them correctly. There's quite a 'science' behind plant keeping.

Since I am in this motivated mood, let's set some goals to keep me from returning to shit that doesn't work. I'll make it a 30 day challenge.

Every day goals:

-no games

-no soda

-no alcohol

-home cooked meal

-outside activity

 

Every weekday goals:

-30 minutes of JS/html/css/bootstrap

-no junk food

 

30 day goals:

-read book

-get overview of expenses

-apply for 10 jobs

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Self reflection time. It's been a while. All my complaining about being up and down, and I am sure I have thought about it before, but complaining is not getting me anywhere. It does prove I am very Dutch, don't we love to complain. Let's complain about Dutch people complaining. Speaking about being Dutch, I was thinking about a Dutch way of saying something which is starting to bother me. When something new is launched, a company opens a new building, or some similar event of achieving something, sometimes the phrase 'met gepaste trots' (google translate: With appropriate pride) is used. We're not even very proud we done something, we're as proud as our achievements are big. It felt a bit depressing in a 'don't you dare to be proud of something small' kind of way. Of course achieving something big gives a greater sense of having achieved something and all the appropriate feelings, but why not honour the small things too? Why is it inappropriate to be happy about achieving small personal goals? I am not sure if I am very Dutch in this matter, I can be extremely proud of small things. But I won't talk about it that way. On this forum I might post my extreme proudness of keeping the easiest plants on the planet alive and other things of similar greatness. Irl this would seem rather silly.


>What have you achieved lately?

<Kept me plants alive. Yea. *nodding* They're super easy to keep alive and I did it. I am pretty amazing. I know.

>*confusion*

Just as feeling proud, feeling happy with myself is still proving difficult. I wrote about this before. I need some more self-love. What I am doing now is the equivalent of shooting myself in the foot and then complaining how I never walk in a fast pace and keep falling to my face. I need some foundation here.

 

 

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One little thing I do is something Cam suggested..at the end of the day, I edit my personal journal entry with self-recognition. What are three things I successfully did that day? They can be basic...I showered, I went to work, I went to the gym. They show me that even though things aren't perfect, I am doing some positive things. I am hanging in there.

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One little thing I do is something Cam suggested..at the end of the day, I edit my personal journal entry with self-recognition. What are three things I successfully did that day? They can be basic...I showered, I went to work, I went to the gym. They show me that even though things aren't perfect, I am doing some positive things. I am hanging in there.

I haven't written it in my journal, but this week has been acknowledging-myself-week. I might add some in my journal when I feel really awesome :P

---

 

This week has been dragging on. It should be summer but it's really autumn in disguise. My Smidtii plant is really not digging the lack of sun. Neither am I.

 

Lack of sunshine or not, I have been productive this week. Yesterday I solved the first fCC basic algorithm challenge, and it made me feel so smart and proud. It is starting to make sense and I am still finding it interesting and fun in it's way. That really means something to me; normally when new things get tricky (and the learning process slower and less instant rewarding) I am much more of a quitter. Now I feel motivated to learn more.

 

I have been pretty productive except for the most important thing right now…. applying for jobs. So I forced myself to send out a e-mail this morning, so at least one application is pending now. I expect a call with a rejection later today from another application. Sigh. It will get easier if I have some different e-mails written, then it'll just be more of a copy, paste and slightly rephrase instead of actually constructing and finding six different words that mean the same but sound better. Meanwhile the idea of an paid traineeship with terrible contract is starting to sound alluring. I know it's a shitty contract, because hubby has one. But it does mean work and pay, even if you're chained to a ball for about three years and you don't get no say in where you'll get a job. And learning to code from home will only get me so far. But I am also afraid of choosing the wrong thing again.

Last, but cer-tain-ly not least: I am going to the gym somewhere next week. I applied for a 'try one day for free' thing and you have to use it within 7 days (not that I knew that before applying :)). So that's some nice pressure to actually go.

 

---

Also, this is totally me at times:

tumblr_oujhodbzm51qiuiebo1_540.jpg

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Lost myself again in the weekend. I however have plans for this week so I am back on track. I prepared our bedroom for painting today, the rest of the week I can be busy with painting and more painting. I also got two job interviews this week, so that's a big positive. Especially the interview on Friday is important; that job would be really great. The other job really is… desperate. However, I reacted well to the unexpected call from the recruiter and used the right amount of bluff. Or.. Righter amount of bluff then I usually do. Which feels to me like an excessive amount of bluff, but it seemed to work great.

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I turned the desperate job down. I'm not desperate enough for such a job yet. I didn't really word that part well during the interview, but I thought of a better answer for future jobs that are not meant for me; 'looking for an opportunity that fits my personal skills better', or something along those lines. I did say something like that, but in a way that sounded very unprofessional.. I am however, determined to rock Fridays job interview; that's a job I actually want. I've done all the research I can into the company, the biggest factor now is staying calm yet enthusiastic while there and choosing my words wisely. I am beginning to see that you can give a positive spin to many things by using the right words. 'This isn't what I studied for, but I have learned many things during my study that can benefit me in this job. For example.....' sounds way better then saying something like 'wrong study' or 'not what I wanted after all'.

I also forgot how much energy job interviews take. I feel trashed. Painting all day: I am good. Job interview of 30 mins, I am done for the rest of the day. I still have a lot of painting scheduled for today.. I'll take it slow.

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That's a good atittude...yes, you can spin anything to your advantage in a job interview. Anything negative becomes a "learning opportunity" or a "chance for constructive feedback". Good job! ?

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Bam. I got a job starting next monday. (and no, it has absolutely nothing to do with my study xD) That means structure (SWEET SWEET STRUCTURE!), money to pay study debt and save for other things, a reason to look presentable (and this I know makes me happy and more confident, but prettying yourself up if you're just gonna stay home all day is just not something I do), some room to safely spend money on some fun activities together with hubby, social connections and most of all, it means not going into mental crisis by feeling totally and utterly useless at home. It also means way less time for my personal goals, and the hours are a bit more then I bargained for (but it was all or nothing), but I know I can make it work. Yea!

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Bam. I got a job starting next monday. (and no, it has absolutely nothing to do with my study xD) That means structure (SWEET SWEET STRUCTURE!), money to pay study debt and save for other things, a reason to look presentable (and this I know makes me happy and more confident, but prettying yourself up if you're just gonna stay home all day is just not something I do), some room to safely spend money on some fun activities together with hubby, social connections and most of all, it means not going into mental crisis by feeling totally and utterly useless at home. It also means way less time for my personal goals, and the hours are a bit more then I bargained for (but it was all or nothing), but I know I can make it work. Yea!

[INSERT DUTCH ENTHUSIASM], you know, a slight smile or somethin'

C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S !

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Bam. I got a job starting next monday. (and no, it has absolutely nothing to do with my study xD) That means structure (SWEET SWEET STRUCTURE!), money to pay study debt and save for other things, a reason to look presentable (and this I know makes me happy and more confident, but prettying yourself up if you're just gonna stay home all day is just not something I do), some room to safely spend money on some fun activities together with hubby, social connections and most of all, it means not going into mental crisis by feeling totally and utterly useless at home. It also means way less time for my personal goals, and the hours are a bit more then I bargained for (but it was all or nothing), but I know I can make it work. Yea!

Congratulations!

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Bam. I got a job starting next monday. (and no, it has absolutely nothing to do with my study xD) That means structure (SWEET SWEET STRUCTURE!), money to pay study debt and save for other things, a reason to look presentable (and this I know makes me happy and more confident, but prettying yourself up if you're just gonna stay home all day is just not something I do), some room to safely spend money on some fun activities together with hubby, social connections and most of all, it means not going into mental crisis by feeling totally and utterly useless at home. It also means way less time for my personal goals, and the hours are a bit more then I bargained for (but it was all or nothing), but I know I can make it work. Yea!

[INSERT DUTCH ENTHUSIASM], you know, a slight smile or somethin'

C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S !

There was a 'Yea!' at the end, and use of CAPS, mind you :P

---

Two weeks in, I like my job and my job likes me back. They are willing to invest in a archive training that I'll follow together with a co-worker. Which is kinda wild for the company, considering I am only two weeks in. I am as excited about the training as I am about their trust in me. I feel like this sort of job matches what I am naturally good at much more then my design study.

 

Liking my job made me ponder about what I believe makes me happy. And what actually makes me happy. And that those two do not align. And that what I like certainly doesn't align with that society thinks is exciting and worthwhile. I like stacking and sorting building permits (and the small bureaucratic drama's therein) over creating a brand and working with typography. It feels a bit like I am throwing my six years of study struggle under the bus, but I know that's not true. I wouldn't be who I am and where I am now without it. 

 

Being honest, I totally forgot and later ignored my previous set 30 day goals. I don't mind too much. Easing of the alcohol has been a good experience though. My brain is such a well working machine without it. Additionally, my job requires me to go outside and bike 5 out of 7 days each week, and that's nice also. I have been gaming in the weekend, together with hubby mostly. And I am bored with it right now. (And I am proud that I got bored) I still haven't got many hobby's though, this is an ongoing problem. I do like doing jobs around the house; our freshly painted bedroom walls are a continued source of contentness and fixing the blinds made me feel quite independent. So more of that in the weekends surely is a good investment of time. All-in all, the past two weeks I have been really content so I am going to keep doing what I am doing right now.

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I am almost completely used to having both work and the household to care off. The only thing going really haywire is cooking; because I apparently suck at cooking when I'm a bit tired. Gonna master mac 'n cheese now I guess :) Eating and living healthy seem to be a great challenge anyway. I've been thinking about that a lot the past few days, guilt tripping over my eating habits mostly. I need to find a way to make it work, but I'm tired of saying 'I'll do X, Y and Z!' and then find a plethora of excuses to not do it. As always, I'd rather do nothing at all and/or not try at all then have another failed attempt and having to admit defeat. Focusing on the long term rewards instead of the instant gratification and/or temporary difficulty seems to be really not happening when it comes to this area of my life. If only I could translate this head full of knowledge to proper motivation though..


Work has been great. While ordering the papers, my mind is also ordered. And I got the first pay check. Yey! Personal life on the other hand has been a wild ride lately. On the topic of gaming, that's going great. I've been playing one game that's basically fine with me. I doesn't have any of the characteristics of the games I used to play (It's not competitive, doesn't have fancy lore to fantasize about, there are no characters to identify with and doesn't have endless content/learning curve). I am thinking that perhaps there might be other hobbies out there that I find more fulfilling, but I find things comfortable as they are now. I noticed I did write in my last journal the lack of other hobbies bothered me, but I've had a lot of social things in the weekends thereafter so I guess there's simply been less time to notice having few hobbies. I did found myself slightly nostalgic for one of my toxic games this week, which threw me of for a moment because it was so out of the blue, but I have rebuild my mental defenses.

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I have the mind of a child sometimes. So, I decided to create a more concrete reward for exercising in the form of going to a trampoline park. In can go when I have 300 km in total, cycling to work counts 0.25x, and in the weekend the minimum is 10 km in one go. Guess who felt super into cycling this Saturday morning at 7:30? WOOO. I wonder what I'll do if I promise myself unicorn socks or a day at a roller-coaster park. I will achieve great things.


I also tried to mind my eating this week. Now I got work going I am up for a challenge to improve myself again. My main focus is added sugars right now, because I tend to overeat on sweet stuff and I also seem to get more hungry after eating those. The great thing of just focusing on sugars, is that it's way more manageable then focusing on everything at one go. I still feel compelled to also take into account all other things related to healthy eating; but I am not going to do that right now. I learned from last times it makes me overwhelmed and demotivated. There's enough things I want to change while only taking sugar into account.


So there we go. Another 'I'll to X, Y and Z' post. I am a tad sceptical of myself. Let's prove me wrong.

 

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There is absolutely nothing wrong with having the mind of a child! Some of the greatest ideas or breakthroughs in technology or society have come from the younger generation because their minds are not already prejudiced in one direction or the other. I always felt a bit embarrassed by having similar thoughts or feelings about not being as "mature" as my peers or whatnot, but at the end of the day I felt like I was enjoying life a bit more and seeing more of the positive things around me rather than being weighed down by the pressures of work, politics or society. In fact now days if I find myself getting down about all that stuff I go out of my way to do something crazy or silly like you mentioned. Previously it would be firing up a game or something, now it usually is a cartoon or TV.

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Gosh, I am talkative (typative??) today.


I didn't stay bad sugars free. But I didn't binge either and made effort to enjoy every bite of it. Small steps. I am ready to say nay again. I've noticed that a lot of my replacements contain a huge amount of salt instead. So I am trying to limit salt in cooking dinner, while keeping the main focus on sugar throughout the rest of the day. I've tried making soup from scratch last weekend, it's pretty easy actually. This weekend I've mixed spices myself instead of using the pre made mixes (which are very high in salt, sugar or both). To my surprise, I am quite enjoying this.


I've talked a lot with hubby this weekend, which was very enlightening. I hope to get better at finding out what's frustrating me in our relationship, because I was super fed up for at least two weeks straight before finally getting to the cause. It doesn't help we're in a very insecure place in life right now. I have a hard time dealing with it. The house we live in might have a buyer, but hubby's job is just on it's end and my job is temporarily. We have no clue where hubby's next job will be and so we also don't know where to look for a home. And if we know where hubby will have a job, there's the whole dilemma of buying (much cheaper monthly, but you're kinda stuck for at least 5 years) versus renting (very expensive, very difficult market especially as a pet owner, but you're not stuck). We'll see how this all unravels. It feels silly worrying so much, considering how little influence I have over the matter. But I haven't figured out a way yet how to stop.


While talking with hubby, we once again were discussing how nice it would be to exercise together. We went cycling together yesterday, and although that's nice, something more exhausting would be good for the both of us. Hubby proposed self-defense lessons (Krav Maga). I've been thinking about self-defense a while; thinking how absolutely hopeless I would be in a crisis situation. Ever after a young women was raped and nearly killed on a road I regularly cycle on, I've been feeling much, much less secure.


Lately I find myself returning to my laptop, only to find I have really nothing to do. The need to binge on youtube seems to only come once in a while, but I've been detesting it more and more. Instead I've been going for walks and jigsaw puzzling. I am also looking for another novel to buy, really enjoyed the last one.

One day I'll have all my shit together.

 

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And… Damn. I ate everything my heart so desired last week. My heart clearly desires cardiac arrest. I am so fucking disappointing to myself. Bloody motherfocker.

 

On the bright side. I told my co-workers I'd try boxing tonight. The immediate response was excitement and promises to ask tomorrow how it went. So in my mind there's two options now:

 

1: go boxing

2: never face my co-workers ever again

 

So I'm leaving in about 5 minutes and I am scared as the little tiny hearted motherfucker I am.

 

EDIT: Boxing was awesome and inspiring. Will go again. Even though I can't walk down a flight of stairs without looking like a baby giraffe right now, I don't care.

Edited by Mhyrion

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