I haven't written it in my journal, but this week has been acknowledging-myself-week. I might add some in my journal when I feel really awesome ---
This week has been dragging on. It should be summer but it's really autumn in disguise. My Smidtii plant is really not digging the lack of sun. Neither am I.
Lack of sunshine or not, I have been productive this week. Yesterday I solved the first fCC basic algorithm challenge, and it made me feel so smart and proud. It is starting to make sense and I am still finding it interesting and fun in it's way. That really means something to me; normally when new things get tricky (and the learning process slower and less instant rewarding) I am much more of a quitter. Now I feel motivated to learn more.
I have been pretty productive except for the most important thing right now…. applying for jobs. So I forced myself to send out a e-mail this morning, so at least one application is pending now. I expect a call with a rejection later today from another application. Sigh. It will get easier if I have some different e-mails written, then it'll just be more of a copy, paste and slightly rephrase instead of actually constructing and finding six different words that mean the same but sound better. Meanwhile the idea of an paid traineeship with terrible contract is starting to sound alluring. I know it's a shitty contract, because hubby has one. But it does mean work and pay, even if you're chained to a ball for about three years and you don't get no say in where you'll get a job. And learning to code from home will only get me so far. But I am also afraid of choosing the wrong thing again.
Last, but cer-tain-ly not least: I am going to the gym somewhere next week. I applied for a 'try one day for free' thing and you have to use it within 7 days (not that I knew that before applying :)). So that's some nice pressure to actually go.
Self reflection time. It's been a while. All my complaining about being up and down, and I am sure I have thought about it before, but complaining is not getting me anywhere. It does prove I am very Dutch, don't we love to complain. Let's complain about Dutch people complaining. Speaking about being Dutch, I was thinking about a Dutch way of saying something which is starting to bother me. When something new is launched, a company opens a new building, or some similar event of achieving something, sometimes the phrase 'met gepaste trots' (google translate: With appropriate pride) is used. We're not even very proud we done something, we're as proud as our achievements are big. It felt a bit depressing in a 'don't you dare to be proud of something small' kind of way. Of course achieving something big gives a greater sense of having achieved something and all the appropriate feelings, but why not honour the small things too? Why is it inappropriate to be happy about achieving small personal goals? I am not sure if I am very Dutch in this matter, I can be extremely proud of small things. But I won't talk about it that way. On this forum I might post my extreme proudness of keeping the easiest plants on the planet alive and other things of similar greatness. Irl this would seem rather silly.
>What have you achieved lately? <Kept me plants alive. Yea. *nodding* They're super easy to keep alive and I did it. I am pretty amazing. I know. >*confusion* Just as feeling proud, feeling happy with myself is still proving difficult. I wrote about this before. I need some more self-love. What I am doing now is the equivalent of shooting myself in the foot and then complaining how I never walk in a fast pace and keep falling to my face. I need some foundation here.
Up and down continued. I had an absolutely dreadful weekend. I ruined a job interview on Friday due to nerves, insecurity and a bad mix of honesty and bluff (too much honesty). I tried to hide from my excruciating feelings of self-doubt and hate with wine and games. Well, I succeeded to hide, but then you have to return to a sober state and you realize how much time you've wasted. I keep returning to the things I know don't work. Today however, I feel surprisingly happy and motivated. I have no clue as to what caused this sudden good mood.
I've ID'd my third plant, it is a succulent(yay!) and it's called a Crassula Smithii. It doesn't have any other fancy names unfortunately. It also doesn't look very content either, I hope I can keep it alive. I've replanted all my plants from their original plastic container and investigated further how to water and feed them correctly. There's quite a 'science' behind plant keeping.
Since I am in this motivated mood, let's set some goals to keep me from returning to shit that doesn't work. I'll make it a 30 day challenge.
Every day goals: -no games -no soda -no alcohol -home cooked meal -outside activity
Every weekday goals: -30 minutes of JS/html/css/bootstrap -no junk food
30 day goals: -read book -get overview of expenses -apply for 10 jobs
I've had a bit of a lapse on basically everything. And of course I can start over again. And again. Aaaaaaand again. But I wonder what really drives me. I didn't even stay game free (like that should be easy by now), feeling so incredibly overwhelmed with some serious self-harm thoughts. Excuses, excuses, although still, playing a game has much less lasting effects compared to the things I was thinking of. I haven't had those thoughts so strongly in quite some time and I still can't handle those when they come. All my emotions seem very strong lately. Yesterday, feeling frustrated, I decided to sit in the sun to relax. But I couldn't enjoy it. At that moment, I really REALLY would've liked to smash my coffee cup in the wall. I honestly didn't know why I felt so angry, I seem to have a very short fuse lately and anything can 'set me off'. (It was somehow enjoyable to feel something else then frustration or sadness though) I feel like a mess and I don't know how to make it better. Living like this is exhausting and unsustainable. I am wondering whether this is progress from feeling nothing, and it is, but then it really isn't at the same time. On a brighter note, I decided to identify my plants. Of the three plants I have, one is indeed a succulent, called a Jade plant. The other is a Creeping Turtle/Creeping Vine, and has semi-succulent leaves, but isn't quite a succulent. But it's easy to keep, and that's the most important thing. The other plant I have yet to identify, but considering the Creeping Turtle, I guess it's not a 'full blood' succulent either. (I am also really hoping it has a sort-of Asian theme to it's name, that would be cool) Nevertheless, I joined a succulent lovers group on fb and I am falling in love with all those beautiful, intriguing plants that are indeed succulents. But let's not get carried away, let's first keep the plants I have alive. I also still enjoy my freeCodeCamp course. It's challenging and my brain likes some strain (I guess). It might also have been a cause of some of my strong emotions, but I am learning not to work while feeling frustrated and that defuses the situation quite profoundly.
Thanks for sharing and good job figuring out why you relapsed! That means you can work on those specific area's and go forward from there. Going to a new place might be a great chance to find new, close-by friends to fill the social void and exploring that new place could well serve to fill your time. Good luck with your new job!
Up and down and up and down. Really, what point is there in writing about it anymore? Thinking about doing this for another 60+ years makes me go crazy. I decided not to be a rollercoaster, but here I am, being swept away on another wild ride. I do enjoy the ups tremendously, but the downs have been quite severe too and quite unpredictable. It doesn't seem to have a clear cause the past two weeks and that is quite confusing. Normally I could pin point a cause, most of the time my own inconsistency is to blame, but I seem to go down quite reasonless lately. I've had great productive days with relaxing moments in the sun with cat and husband, and still felt myself wondering quite meloncholicly the point of it all in the evening or going bat-shit crazy/frustrated over some other minor thing.
Besides being all up and down, life is pretty ok. I have even made some effort to stay socially connected, normally this would've starved out completely in summer. But not this time. I am making great process towards learning JS basics too and I am trying to make the bootstrap navbar work for me right now. 1-0 for navbar thus far, but I'll figure it out soon. The bootstrap grid and systems are starting to do what I want it to, which is a good start. (But the moment I put it inside a navbar it's all broke xD). Right now I am at a point that everytime I work with JS/html/css/bootstrap I learn something new, and that is satisfying. (I am reminding myself however, that it will not stay this 'instant'-rewarding). Furthermore, I've had a great relaxing birthday doing exactly what I wanted and none of the obliged family shit I usually feel bound to do. Went to an orchid/lori/butterfly garden together with my sister, her fiancee and hubby of course and in the evening pizza with wine and cardgames where my brother joined. That's so much better then having granny's over, whining about all your life choices and how you never call her (gee, I wonder why…). And I do love butterflies, beautiful, beautiful creatures. I used to collect them as a kid, although they are much less magnificent when pinned dead on a cushion of course. I am also falling in love with the succulents I got gifted. I already had one succulent and since I kept it alive for months in a row (to put this in perspective: all the former plants died because I forgot they existed until they dropped dead leafs on the table) I decided I was up for more. It's incredibly cozy and it makes me happy.
I am one of those persons who is bored out of her mind after eating the same in a row twice, hehe. So I get to be creative with the healthy choices there are. Also, cats <3
40%! I think that's inspiring! I also think my home looks also so much nicer and clearer now all the stuff is out of sight or indeed gone.
Thanks! --- Alllllright, feeling better again.
Been working on freecodecamp the past two weeks, don't think I mentioned it here yet. It is both fun and challenging. I like having something more beta on my hands I guess. I am making a tribute page now, I try to put in as many things I learned thus far and learn some other basics as well. I can't get jquery to work on codepen, not sure why. But besides that, I made a beau-ti-ful page thus far. In the end, I hope this will make me a bit more interesting for the job-market.
No soda: 21/22 No junk/to go: 18/22 Exercise: 18/22
Having a streak of bad mood days, I'm feeling very fragile. Didn't do much, but also didn't do anything rash or stupid. Most simple things I tried I gave up on or failed at. (I cried yesterday because I failed, after failing many things that day, to peel a mineola. And that was just it. I ruined the mineola I was looking forward to. How am I supposed to do anything with myself when I can't coop with fruits? Geez.) I managed to continue eating healthy, although that is mainly because I didn't go outside much. Exercise is difficult enough to keep up when feeling happy, doing that while feeling like this.. I don't how to motivate myself. I am looking forward to having more data points on my weight so I can see what are monthly fluctuations and what is actually weightloss.
I'm grateful for: -having the most patient hubby in the world -having the cat for company during the day -a clean and spacious house
No soda: 17/18 No junk/to go: 15/18 Exercise: 15/18
Things achieved this week: -cleaned the entire house thoroughly -painted a room + radiator -created a home office in one the rooms that will no longer be rented, also making our bedroom no longer multi-purpose and crammed -got rejected for two jobs -tidy the garden -went to therapy -scheduled a job application for a supermarket job. Sadly, it will only happen in three weeks, but it's a good back-up plan if they decide to hire me and I haven no prospect on another job by then -having an identity crisis (on going)
Things I want to do more: -apply for jobs. Wondering whether applying for jobs in the middle of summer is any good though, considering holidays and such... -get move-ready: organize aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the stuff. What amount of stuff we have collected in 6 years. My, my. -exercise
Things I want to do better: -don't binge on junk food (schedule eating better)
I think I am already rewiring. Woo! Thanks for your support! ---
No soda: 12/12 No junk/to go: 11/12 Exercise: 10/12
I am starting to notice changes. It might be purely psychological. I am going to enjoy it either way. Last couple of days I have a lot of energy left in the evenings. I don't really know what to do with myself. Today I went out and did some gardening to spend some of the extra energy. I already went for an hour long walk and did a lot of household stuff among other things. I still have energy left. Madness. Also, apples taste super sweet, like wow. I didn't notice apples were so darn sweet up till now. Besides that, I feel less insecure about my body. (Although this is always fluctuating.) Not that there's any change to see yet, but I feel confident knowing I am working on what I don't like (and at least I won't get fluffier living like this).
I am keeping track of exactly what I eat right now. It's a bit tedious, but it gives a lot of insight. I also read up on what nutrient does what, but I would like to learn more. Furthermore I made a list of exercises that will improve my upper body strength, especially my back and neck. I felt a bit uncoordinated so I want to complete these sets every day starting tomorrow. I will probably have to experiment a bit as I try things out. As a side goal I want to learn how to do a proper push up, because I learned it's an exercise that will use a lot of muscle groups and that sounds… efficient. Besides that, it kinda looks cool. I guess. I am thinking fit things are cool now. Who am I?