I am going insane, so let's write some things of my chest. 3 more days and the worst is over. I encountered some last-minute troubles, I hope I can fix it in time. I am slightly behind schedule due to that. Also because I scheduled for myself if I were a machine. I am not. So I took some time to relax this weekend, try and charge my batteries. It was a partial succes. I really made insane hours last week, next three days I need to keep that up. After that I can take it just a bit easier. Today I am dependent on other people, which is nessesary but very inconvenient at the same time. I hope I don't end up waiting around, but it's out of my control.
Meanwhile, I haven't been taken care of my body, and I am feeling the effects of that. I either didn't eat or eat some to-go stuff the past weeks and the times I did cook, I was so tired it was absolute garbage. Needless to say, my belly isn't in a happy place right now. Also my feet are starting to fail, I am dropping things at random because of tiredness and I grated my fingers. Having a normal conversation also seems to be vèry difficult. Oh and there's this high beeeeeeeep tone in my ears at times. I am ignoring all that right now and it feels wrong, wrong, wrong, but I honestly am not going to fail graduation this time.
@Random I heard someone else about that boardgame too. Perhaps worth a try then
Today didn't go as planned at all, I tried to salvage what I could in terms of productivity, but it was frustrating all the way through. My thoughts where constantly going places, zoning out. The atmosphere at the academy was so tense it made me anxious and I left halfway through the day. I need to find a way to deal with the tenseness of the atmosphere, because I am assuming it will stay with about 100 persons getting close to their graduation deadlines. Perhaps music. I did take a quick look at my exhibition spot today, and it's pretty neat. I can surely make it work, only some minor issues came up.
I've been super emotional lately. Right now. It comes and goes. I am certainly not in control. I criedlaughed a big part of Saturday night and talked with hubby. A lot came up -I don't think I made much sense though-. There are a so many things I haven't allowed myself to feel, to do, to be. And things I have allowed myself to do and be that I find repulsive. The strong waves of emotions makes me want to go in hiding, yet I do not have time for it so I face them and fail at that. Is crying and laughing uncontrollably failing? I guess I get to decide that, but I do not know. Two more weeks of madness and I have time to find more clarity.
And again, when tired, more game related stuff seems to come up. I am not even bothered anymore having a voice line of a character pop up in my head (sometimes, the timing is even funny..).
Last Saturday I played a gamified boardgame with hubby on my laptop. I noticed the following days that my brain keeps returning attention towards it, so I've come to the conclusion I am not ready for it. Even though I never played digital boardgames and normal boardgames are totally fine, the happy reward sounds and such are apparently too strongly linked to the whole gaming experience. It was worth a try, hubby and I both love playing board games but many are not enjoyable with two players. I could/should perhaps maybe make a goal out of finding boardgame friends sometime instead of trying a digital one......
Besides that, my life is total madness right now. I have not been this productive ever. I have also not been this tired and stressed ever. Although the stress levels are more like waves and if it's a very high wave, I just take a moment. My current state isn't very healthy, but it will soon be over, so it's acceptable to live like this for now. Failing is not an option. Crashing is neither. I am doing things I didn't thought I was (this) able at. Like working while stressed. Being productive even when tired and unfocused. Asking loads of people for help. Making tons of decisions (and not regretting them but just go with em and make them work). Making a schedule and sticking to it like bees to honey. Staying positive and patient when things go wrong. In two and a half weeks I can add: actually finishing a creative project instead of procrastinating on it forever or not taking the time on the finishing touches in the end. Looking forward to that.
Almost everything right now seems to revolve around graduating. Totally dropped the ball on self-care and the household-tasks-ball is also on it's way to the ground. It's unbalanced, but I have a lot of work to do and I want to keep some room for error for last minute madness that surely will occur. (Sleep is for the weak, right?) Staying organized and calm seems to be more difficult lately. I am happy though that past-me is looking out for now-me; I made reservations for the right times and have appointments that serve as deadlines. I also finally mustered up the courage to ask the woodshop worker for help, which will hopely assure some smoother sailing next week and at the very least assured me of the right wood to work with. If I asked earlier instead of being a chicken, it would've been even smoother. Next week I have a lot of craftwork upcoming for my treehouse model, which I am actually looking forward to. I am a bit nervous for installing the exhibition, I have no experience with a couple of things that need taken care of and a couple of silly fears to overcome. (I realized, reflecting, that I am in fact, afraid of handling a drill. Silly me.) Now onwards! Untill I finally hold that sweet sweet diploma in my hands and can sleep in peace.
This week I screwed up a bit. My self-care levels have dropped tremendously while stress levels were super high. This of course will amplify eachother; more stress means self-care is lower on my agenda, less sleep and more junk food means worse handling of stress. Self-care should just stay on a high for me to function well. I slept about 6 hours last night while I know I need at least 8, and my brain just sort of broke halfway through today. I still was productive the rest of the week, but I felt more lacklustre and unfocused while working. While feeling stressed, the need to write has also increased, I am just going to go along with it.
While tired, there seem to be some game related music sapping through from memories. It distracted me and I entertained the thought of playing. I also figured I am actually starting to forget game related knowledge, which made me feel panicky untill I decided that was a good sign of progress and also it's totally useless to have this knowledge. It serves me no longer. (This made me wonder if I can actually forget certain things while being exposed to them for so long, especially music. Time will tell) I guess though, the impulse to hide when stressed is still there. It also might imply 90 days is not enough for my brain to be totally rewired. As long a connection between games and easy-way-not-having-to-face-difficulties is still strongly present, how can I trust myself with it? I also read a lot of journals here of people trying moderation and failing (terribly), and I will take that as a stern warning. I also want to fashion my life in a way I don't have time for game related things. I am planning, for one, to get into a lil less fluffy, more fit shape after graduating. I am also looking if starting a creative bussiness is right for me. But it's still hard to think about much more than graduation right now, so I am basically planning to make elaborate plans the moment I graduate. I will have no (imposed) structure after graduation, only the pressing matters of finding (any) job and an apartment. So I better make myself a good plan by then, lack of structure makes me greatly dysfunctional.
Anyway, there's no time for hiding, neither do I want to. I am however gonna need to take great care of myself this weekend to get unstressed and get my healthy eat and sleep systems up to par again.
@Cam Adair @hycniejsy Thanks for the support guys! You're awesome! ---
80 days game free! And on my way to becoming a productive and functional member of society
Life has turned into a nice combination of super busy, productive weekdays and super relaxed, sunny weekends. One month and the show is on, gotta get so much shit done. It's been satisfactory, although there also have been high stress moments (when I wonder what the hell I am doing and how to proceed). Today I recorded for the voice-over of my animation. It was a bit awkward, but I am so happy I arranged an actress. At the end of the midday I will have another actress over at the audio studio, so I can pick what's best suited for the animation. It's a learning experience, which I enjoy very much. I needed to give more direction then I thought, but I like working together with other people. It's silly. I've been trying so hard to avoid social contact the past years, but I am learning that making a project together with other motivated, creative people is so worthwhile to me. Sure, putting myself out there, asking for help, feels awkward and uncomfortable and I place myself in a dependent position. But if it succeeds, the results are far greater then what I could've done all alone. I want more co-op projects. I hope this is a spark of passion for creative projects to come, because without this drive, I better find myself some other direction in life. It's not like jobs and money are a-plenty in the creative field. A point of frustration is that I still find myself at odds with my tutors. Just support me already! Gah. Honestly, as long as I finish my products and exhibition and have a cohesive story to tell, it's all fine. I might not be their prize student (never was xD), but it's surely enough to let me pass. Sometimes I lose focus on this; it's easy to get frustrated about their cold remarks about something I try my dearest to succeed in and work at full time. But it matters not, as long as I graduate.
This has been one of the most productive weeks for me in... years. And I do not feel extremely tired or overwhelmed for it. 6 more of those weeks and my study is completed and done with. Instead of taking a break on Wednesday, I promised myself icecream during lunch break. Got some other students to tag along. (Taking initiative for icecream while 27 degrees outside, how to set yourself up for success :))) Icecream was all the break I needed this week, I was very productive and motivated afterwards. I also asked for help again this week, with immediate results in finding a voice-over actress with whom I will have a try-out next week.
Today is 10 weeks game-free. 3 more weeks to go to complete the 90 days. I'm considering what I want after it. I like my life without games, but I dislike not having a joined interest with hubby. We tried several things together, always one of us is incredibly bored or uninterested. It's frustrating. Whatever I decide to do, the games I used to play are off limits forever. We'll see. I am way too busy the coming weeks to get into something new anyway. Also complimented another stranger today. Perhaps a new habit? It was spontaneous this time around and gave me a bit of a rush of.. adrenaline? Something. I surprised myself.
62 days game free. Onwards, onwards. I was incredibly bored today and watched a LoL lcs match. It was braindead, and that was very nice, however, it didn't fascinate me very much. I put it off when I got bored of it again. I realized watching these things is not what I want with my life and I am going to keep true to that. I am still a tad jealous of people who can actually enjoy games without drowning in it. (Jealous really is too strong of a word but I can't find the word I want in either language...) I still can really appreciate a game as a beautiful product just like art and.. it felt like missing out on something great. But I still didn't feel like I wanted to play, knowing what a relationship breaker, time sink and furthermore allover ruining experience it has been for me. So triggered, but not triggered? Sort of triggered.
The rest of the time I have been veéry well behaved. I shouldn't fret over this little incident any longer then necessary for some reflection. I have rekindled my passion for Jesus, which has given me a great drive to be the best and most loving person I can possibly become etc. etc. Yes I am turning into a woo woo Jesus person, no, I couldn't care for the world what anyone is thinking about that. I have no clue how much to share about that, it's probably all much too silly to natural standards. I'm still struggling with my study (also the reason why I was bored today) but progressing, still haven't really found my passion for that. I guess it's the environment of the academy that's mostly responsible for that. The motivation is hard to find, but I am going to finish this and then I can move on with my life towards things more exciting! I ordered something on Etsy a while back, and I thought perhaps, making something along the lines of that.. Something nice, well designed people would want to have. I like making beautiful things, or things beautiful. Could be a lot of things really. I still struggle to think past 1 day after my graduation date though, so I am going to tunnel a bit more towards that date and then I'll have room to think about new directions my life can go. Also, I got my hair cut and it's super sexy boyish short and I couldn't be more confident about my looks right now. (I literally went back to the mirror a couple of times right when I got back home after the cut, to admire the look. Sexy lady ;))
EDIT: I also complimented a stranger a while back. With her socks. I must find a new social challenge!
What really helped me after my third relapse, was figuring out how many days I didn't game in total and not only look at the last streak. 1 day might sound discouraging, but I bet you have quite a lot already together since starting in January!
Yes, going for the 90! Past halfway point now, woot! --- Lately I've been wondering whether or not I want to continue journaling here and whether it still fits me. I am inclined to say no, but it requires some more thought.
It's Kingsday today. An excuse for Dutch people to dress orange and silly, sell their old shit at flea markets, have fanfare(is this a word in English?) bands all over the place and at the end of it all, party and get drunk. I have ignored it as well as I could. The rest of the week was not very productive. At the times I got myself to study, it paid off. The other times I was mostly distracted, working from home really isn't my strong suit. The home is very clean now however, so it can't distract me next week. I have had counseling again, and again I feel lighter and more in order. Never thought I be a fan of counseling, but here we are. Also, véry important, I bought socks this week. They have pineapples, flamingo's and palm trees on them. Pineapples! Flamingo's! Palm Trees! On socks. This made me insanely content and happy. +10 happiness socks. Woot!
Today is 41th day game free, a new record. I thought of my fav game this week, but it wasn't a longing/nostalgic feeling. It felt more like a 'I used to wear these type of shirts. I still think they're kinda cool. This person who wears it is pretty rad. But they don't suit me anymore.' kinda feeling. It felt way more in control. I like being in control. (...) And then I got sick. In retrospect, I looked really terrible on Wednesday evening but I thought I was just really tired... Been sleeping a lot yesterday and today, haven't been able to do a thing. It feels like my brains are trying to escape my skull, among other painful things. Didn't even manage to do the dishes because it makes a lot of noise. I am also missing the party of a good friend tonight, I was really looking forward to that. Beh. Gladly, the cat has accompanied me these days and hubby has been sweet. I am also starting to regain some of my appetite, that's normally a good sign.
Beside the question: I personally use ad blockers, and only switch it of in véry special occasions. I believe I once read gaming forums and the like suffer the most from ad block services, however, I can't seem to find it back. I think that suggestions about activities to replace gaming would be best fit. However, I am wondering how a good suggestion would be made considering the diverse countries our members are from, could an ad still point me to something in the area? I live in a tiny country, but if a suggestion is made for something in Amsterdam, it's useless. Maybe things that are already suggested/hinted at on forum posts (Headspace, Nofap) can be a good option.