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I did it. I stopped doing stuff at 10 pm tonight and can now relax before bed. My goal tomorrow is to wake up and eat breakfast and relax before turning my computer on. I've been turning my computer on after waking up and getting stressed out right away. It's impacting my day and my health.

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Today was decent. I woke up late again and made breakfast, went for a 2 hour walk, made food, watched TV, had therapy, had my online date, and then sculpted in Blender for about 2 hours. So far t

I failed my exam today that I studied for months and waited 2 months for the grade. A passing score would have seen me become a project manager and receive a substantial raise.  I'm disappointed.

Today I'm 104 weeks or also 2 years on my journey free from gaming. I can't believe it's been this long. I feel like a different person and don't really have the words to describe how much this means

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I woke up today and ate breakfast and relaxed before starting work. I felt better, but I am frozen with anxiety regarding my project at work. It's really stressing me out to the point I can't even start it. I hate these projects and want to avoid it at all costs. I've got to get over it. Hiding is only causing more anxiety. If I just finish the assignment I'll be good. 

I'm anxious because of fear. I'm afraid of messing this project up. But why? It's not due for 2 weeks and I'm almost done. My calculations show I already got it correct and nothing is wrong. I just have to summarize the results. 

I think it's the fact that I don't enjoy writing reports and summarizing my findings. It's very boring and takes a long time. My mind knows it will take a while and that it's not interesting. It's ok. 

Let's look at the positive parts. I get paid to write it. Once I write it I can work on a more exciting project. Once I finish it I won't stress about it. I'll be thanked. Let's breathe and take our time and just get it over with. Anxiety medication won't magically make me do it. Just gotta dig in.

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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think it's the fact that I don't enjoy writing reports and summarizing my findings. It's very boring and takes a long time. My mind knows it will take a while and that it's not interesting. It's ok. 

 

Many of friends hated documentation too. I on the other hand like writing documentation. In some classes, I would do their documentation work, and in exchange, they would help me with other projects. Maybe one of your professional allies at your company likes documentation and would be happy to do it for you? Maybe there's a junior employee you could delegate this to in exchange for advice over lunch? Most people delegate the report writing parts of their jobs to freelancers anyways but if you can get it done without paying for it, that's a super bonus.

Edited by Bird By Bird
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After writing in the journal entry this morning I was able to gain some steam and actually had a very productive day. It was my best day in weeks to be honest. I felt great and just kept rolling with it. I've officially caught up and am not stressed out anymore. I'm almost done with the report as well. I can't believe how productive today was. 

It goes to show that if you support yourself with a good schedule and allow yourself to problem solve the situation you'll be successful.

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It is great you are using night for rest now. So many people do stimulating activities at night that they don’t get to rest properly. I will try to incorporate this useful tip too.

Get this into a habit and your strength and self awareness will grow in the coming weeks.

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I'm pretty bummed out today. I didn't wake up well. I hit snooze too much. I stayed up too late last night working. I tried to work today and just hit a wall. I got a lot of stuff done on other projects but not my main one. I just felt distracted. I tried napping a few times and couldn't. I feel so embarrassed as well. I just think I'm doing something wrong with women. I must be a specific person or something.

I told someone off who pissed me off as well. It was outside of work and just with a group of people I talk to. Other people started harping on the person as well. I am guessing he rubs everyone the wrong way and I was the only one willing to call them out. People are pussies most of the time.

I'm gonna try working a little this weekend to make up for today. I have a virtual date planned today but I don't think anything will come of it. I don't think I appeal to modern women. Older women in their 40s flirt with me more than women in their 20s. There's such a disconnect. It bothers me. I'm gonna keep trying though. I can't just keep hiding.

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18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

People are pussies most of the time.

I laughed really hard at this. I don't think I was expecting that 😄

Keep on that dating grind. It's hard to say if it's you or them. It's all about the match. 

And since you reminded me, I'll stop being a pussy myself and get on my dating apps after my post. Thanks.

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This weekend I'm 110 weeks free from gaming addiction. I had a great rebound this weekend. It's kind of funny because I complained about being single and actually had a virtual date yesterday. It was the best date I've ever been on to be honest. I connected with this woman so well. I didn't want the conversation to end. We had this natural chemistry and I was really gravitated to her words and personality. I really enjoyed her presence. She's also extremely beautiful and I personally am baffled that she'd be interested in talking to me because she's probably a 10 out of 10 and I'm confused.  We have a second video date on Thursday night after work and will message each other before then. It has made me very happy to be honest.

Thanks @DaBest and @Jason70 for the responses. Sometimes things happen and we gotta take advantage of the opportunities we're given even if we just had a bad moment in life because good things happen.

In other news I kind of got disappointed this weekend because I wasn't able to finish a project on Friday and feel behind on my work. I'm gonna try to log into work today and do a few hours to wrap it up. This project just gives me anxiety and I'd like to just get over it. I'm overthinking why I don't want to do the work and not just doing the work in general.

This week I'd like to have a better week at work. I also am getting my exercise equipment delivered this week and most of my drums delivered this week. Things are starting to come together and I'm happy about it.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

This weekend I'm 110 weeks free from gaming addiction. I had a great rebound this weekend. It's kind of funny because I complained about being single and actually had a virtual date yesterday. It was the best date I've ever been on to be honest. I connected with this woman so well. I didn't want the conversation to end. We had this natural chemistry and I was really gravitated to her words and personality. I really enjoyed her presence. She's also extremely beautiful and I personally am baffled that she'd be interested in talking to me because she's probably a 10 out of 10 and I'm confused.  We have a second video date on Thursday night after work and will message each other before then. It has made me very happy to be honest.

Thanks @DaBest and @Jason70 for the responses. Sometimes things happen and we gotta take advantage of the opportunities we're given even if we just had a bad moment in life because good things happen.

In other news I kind of got disappointed this weekend because I wasn't able to finish a project on Friday and feel behind on my work. I'm gonna try to log into work today and do a few hours to wrap it up. This project just gives me anxiety and I'd like to just get over it. I'm overthinking why I don't want to do the work and not just doing the work in general.

This week I'd like to have a better week at work. I also am getting my exercise equipment delivered this week and most of my drums delivered this week. Things are starting to come together and I'm happy about it.

My man! Get it!

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Congratulations on the 110 weeks of being gaming free! What a huge milestone that is! Also congratulations on the date, that's really good you are connecting. I wish luck for you both. 
 

Seems like you are doing great (besides the work, i hope that improves.) Keep at it bro!

Best 

Jason

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I gotta work late today to get my project done. But I'm determined. 

I'm a little worried about the dating situation. She's still talking to me and said she's excited for our date Thursday, but she uploaded 3 new dating photos to her profile and they're very pretty. It makes me think she's trying to find something better. 

I won't let it phase me. I still use the app and read people. She could have done it for my attention as well. I'm just going to focus on work. 

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On 12/7/2020 at 5:16 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I gotta work late today to get my project done. But I'm determined. 

I'm a little worried about the dating situation. She's still talking to me and said she's excited for our date Thursday, but she uploaded 3 new dating photos to her profile and they're very pretty. It makes me think she's trying to find something better. 

I won't let it phase me. I still use the app and read people. She could have done it for my attention as well. I'm just going to focus on work. 

I am thrilled to see that it is working for you. Keep us updated. That is pretty exciting!

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On 12/7/2020 at 6:16 PM, BooksandTrees said:

 

I gotta work late today to get my project done. But I'm determined. 

I'm a little worried about the dating situation. She's still talking to me and said she's excited for our date Thursday, but she uploaded 3 new dating photos to her profile and they're very pretty. It makes me think she's trying to find something better. 

I won't let it phase me. I still use the app and read people. She could have done it for my attention as well. I'm just going to focus on work.

 

Proud of you! I think it's important to not let our worries get in the way of what's important like work. However, I hope it continues to go good for you! Good luck

 

Jason

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This weekend I'm 111 weeks free from gaming addiction. My friend came over yesterday and we built my workout machine for a few hours. I then went to pick up my drum set and assemble it. I'm really excited to try these out and be more physical after work. I was tired while building the machines yesterday and realize my stamina is not so good. 

The conversation with this girl was been going very well. I'm enjoying getting to know her and talking to her. We have a third date planned for Wednesday night. I'm going to ask if she'd be interested in planning an in-person, quarantined date kind of thing in 2 weeks. Even though that's around Christmas time so she might be seeing family. I'll have to see what makes sense for health safety. You never know who people see on holidays and although she believes in quarantining, her family may not. 

I'm going to try working out 3 days per week with simple full body routines for the next few months. I want to get back in slowly and not pull a muscle or something. I might also order whey protein again, but not yet. I want to see how my schedule goes. I also want to plan some time for drum lessons. I won't overwhelm myself with this. I think it will be smart to do like 1-2 lessons per week and just mess around the rest of the time. I want to learn from my experience of overwhelming myself with 3d modeling.

I get my exam results back this week after 8 long weeks. At least we were told to anticipate results back this week. I'm remaining optimistic and hopeful for a passing score. If I failed then I will know how to study next time and be more prepared. I'd start studying in end of January and go slower. If I pass, it will be a complete dream come true. I will have achieved a great personal and professional goal of mine and have some more time for things I enjoy. It will allow me to grow as a professional in countless ways so I'm looking forward to that. Hopefully it's a passing grade.

I was thinking of doing an hour or two of 3d modeling per week once I start exercising again. It will be nice to have some balance with hobbies. Right now, I just don't feel motivated to sit in front of the computer and animate after working 8-12 hours. I need to move around. 

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On 12/11/2020 at 1:46 PM, Amphibian220 said:

To the extent that you feel it right to share, what qualities in women are you attracted to (apart from the good looks which is true for everyone)?

I am talking in terms of character and way of life mostly.

I look for many things. Some of the key ones are:

  1. Genuine: She honestly cares about who you are, what you have to say, and shows interest. She wants to share stories and moments from her life with you and teach you about herself. She doesn't pretend to be someone she is not. 
  2. Intention: She cares about something and goes after it. Everything she does, whether it's personal or professional goals in life, she does with a purpose and intends to do it well.
  3. Communication: She has the knowledge and courage to be able to share her feelings with me. If something is bothering her, she lets me know in a calm and coordinated way where we can reach a solution together. If we're intimate, she can tell me what she wants me to do to enhance our romance. She asks me what I like during intimacy. She doesn't spam me at work and makes sure to coordinate her schedule with me. I want her to ask me how I'm doing and not just talk about herself. I find it very frustrating when a woman only answers a question and doesn't reciprocate or just genuinely ask me what happened in my day or something. I don't like quiet women. I don't like always carrying a conversation. It gets me very angry because it looks like they don't care about our time together. I don't have time to guess what you're thinking. I want open communication. Introverts can still do this. If you say you're an introvert as an excuse for not communicating you're just lazy, selfish, and don't care about me and I'll defend this statement to the day I die. So fuck off if you disagree (not you, amphibian, just anyone who says they can't ask how you're doing if they think they're an introvert. They're just not trying to be a genuine person.)
  4. Honesty/Loyalty: I combine these because they're hand-in-hand. I don't want someone pretending to be someone and I don't want her to be cheating on me. This also goes in hand with communication. If I'm doing something boring that is causing her to cheat then just tell me instead of being sly. Also, I want that commitment. I don't want a manipulator who will use me to make her own life better all the time. I want her to make my life better as a couple and we both do well. I don't like selfish women.
  5. Passion: They need to have hobbies. It's sexy to see a woman so invested in a hobby like art, sports, music, you name it. When a woman really cares about something you see how much they love it and you want to be a part of that. When I'm with her, I know that if we are intimate together she'll be passionate because she has passions for other things. I find it attractive when a woman is good at something. I admire leadership and talented women. I want to live up to her standards and prove that I'm elite as well and show off for her. I want us both to be confident. Passion is sexy.
  6. Character: No quit attitude. Someone who is not pathetic. Someone who doesn't let people take advantage of them. Someone who is patient and empathetic and understands both sides of the story. Someone who has dealt with adversity in life and doesn't crumble under pressure. Someone who is resilient and believes in the right thing. Someone with good morals and won't corrupt anyone or be corrupt or corrupted. A hopeful, optimistic, yet realistic person who knows when a situation is bad that it is ok and we can get through it. 
  7. Intelligence: I want someone who is a logical thinker. I don't want an aloof person who thinks they're being spontaneous by not having a plan in life. It bothers me. I need emotional intelligence to know how to interact with me and others when we're experiencing a full range of emotions. I need someone who knows how to interact when they are dealing with a full range of emotions. I need sexual intelligence. To understand I'm not super experienced and just being patient and not hurt my feelings. I need physical intelligence where she takes care of her body by eating well, sleeping, exercising, and not doing drugs. Social intelligence. I don't want her being extremely loud in public, being a drunk, trying to be the center of attention at all times, etc. And I'd like her to have that intellectual depth to handle my conversations in life regarding work, love, hobbies, life, etc. And I want her to have those conversations with me. I need full connection there.
  8. Responsibility: Someone who knows to pay bills on time, to save money, to do her work, to help me do housework, bathes normally, eats at normal times, shares my stress load and shares her stress with me equally, accountable for her words and actions in our relationship and in life. If she says something and then goes back on it to get out of being responsible, she's an asshole. I don't want that. I want someone I can be proud of an count on in life.
  9. Humor: She needs to be funny or at least understand my humor. If she doesn't get my jokes then it's not going to work.
  10. Voice: I don't want her to have an extremely loud voice. It bothers me in public. I just want a normal voice level. I also don't want her talking with an upward inflection at the end of every sentence to make it sound like she's asking a question at all times. It really bothers me. Just talk normally. Jesus Christ.
  11. Listener: Listens to others and is not stubborn. I don't mind if they're a leader type, but leaders still have advisers. I want someone who will take my criticism fairly and take my compliments fairly. I would like her to listen to me as much as I listen to her with all good and bad problems in life.
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This is very comprehensive Booksand trees, far more so than I expected. It actually does help me in reflecting on my own relationships with people.

I’d say your concern about SO not expressing her feelings enough is frequently the shortcoming of men in relationships (but it may apply to women too). At least I notice that women tend to express their feelings far more than men. I lack emotional intelligence as a result of the gaming past and need to work in this field, will probably have to research some books.

You mentioned the importance of her having interests and goals in life. This is key, in fact it develops many other aspects of a spouse’s character and makes the relationship much more meaningful.

Your SO by definition is ever faithful to you and the thing that will attract this type of person in your life is you being very focused on moral principles and following the right thing. This is as much as i was able to gather from your post on first reading. Will come back later

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I failed my exam today that I studied for months and waited 2 months for the grade. A passing score would have seen me become a project manager and receive a substantial raise. 

I'm disappointed. 

But I want you all to watch what I'm doing. I'm not going to play hours and hours of video games, watch porn, or anything like that to escape my pain. 

I will sit here and understand my pain to the fullest. This pain I will never forget. Every day when I study for the next exam and don't feel like it I'll remember this pain. How I never want to feel it again. 

This is my fuel. I will not hide from it. I will harness it and face the world again. I am resilient and unwavered. I accept my loss and pain. I'm allowing myself to be sad. Being sad lets me release my negative emotions in a healthy way. Crying is human release. It's important to grieve now so tomorrow I am stronger. 

If you face pain in life just remember to never hide. 

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54 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

But I want you all to watch what I'm doing. I'm not going to play hours and hours of video games, watch porn, or anything like that to escape my pain. 

I think that is a very goof intention, but please be careful! At times, the pain may be too much for your brain/body to manage, even if you might think or feel otherwise. Excessive pain can be traumatizing- I developed a phobia for knives by not treating my wound from the cut properly. If you are having any urges to "escape", don't ignore them completely; when I feel like watching porn, I instead go read a book or a comic. That helps me lower stress without quitting the reality completely. Take care of yourself!

Have you ever read "Untamed"? I suggest you check it out, just for fun 🙂

Po

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