Pochatok

hi all, wanted to provide another update since I'm struggling w/ gaming. didn't quit, unlike the last post suggests! only one game, and i play it once to twice per day, during moments where i feel tired mentally and want to re-energize myself. what I need to make a habit of is having different responses to this inner state: reading, writing, creating- so many better ways of addressing the mental fatigue. gaming only leads me to shame, because i cannot moderate- i am someone who is committed to completing a task, and get addictions easily. terrible pairing! no more time wasted. it's too precious- adding up the gaming and the relief afterwards, i've lost over an hour of time. ugh, so much regret- let that fuel my passion to quit!!!

ahhh i'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now! it is honestly mindblowing to be reading about THIS much stress, compared to your entries just a few months ago. And, it's equally amazing to be reading about your humbleness, dignity, and passion for providing love and care- you inspire me so much when it comes to being a compassionate, resilient person ❤️ hope that you will get hugs soon, and sleep! thinking of you 🙂

i would describe what you're going through as grief- loving, longing for something that's no longer available. I think you're still grieving a lost relationship, but in a way that reinforces, rather than dissolves your desire. best of luck quitting- you already seem to understand the complexity of the problem, and i know that you will find a way out ❤️ will take you up on the offer! been doing well too, but quite curious about your experiences !

love this language! wish you a week of meeting your needs and making use of your deep awareness skills ❤️

it's been nearly a month! i've quit my job, moved home (so lucky to have a family that can provide me space to live in, that respects my boundaries, that empowers me to be my best self). i've stopped watching tv, i've quit gaming (again- i play from time to time, but games that have no addictive/entertaining aspects, like 'minesweeper') i'm still struggling w/ escapism of other sorts- simply having my mind wonder in times when i can be learning/making things. i'm still struggling w/ pornography- i've been experiencing a lot of stress due to big life changes, and i don't like that this is my way of coping. but, it's only so because i'm denying myself other things- like going on walks, exercising, meeting people. i need to set my priorities better! with all of that, i'm building amibition- constantly countering thoughts of helplessness, of internalized limitations... and now, nearly a week after quitting my job, i need to let that blossom. none of this can wait another day. i must live to my fullest.

another few commitments I want to shift to, sensing some difficulty in other areas of my life: - i'm spending more and more time watching TV (over 40 minutes today alone) - i'm struggling w/ focusing for longer periods of time, escapist tendencies and small tasks capture my attention constantly. with those two, my goals are... - only watch TV when i have laid down all of today's work. let that escapism not prioritize my missions. - get back to focus timers. learn to keep a posture for 20, 30, 60 minutes again. no work w/out a timer of some sort. i don't want to prioritize escapism over efforts of making the world a better place. i pray for strength in changing the course of this frustrating habit.

not keeping days- i have been exposing myself to sexual media of sorts, but the relationship feels very different (just like w/ games, which I occasionally still play). i understand the unique niche of desire sexual media can fullfill, but also understand well how so much of it goes against my values. i think that how and why i access that media has shifted fundamentally (though i still need to do a lot of work to truly be free of impulsive actions and trauma-related decision making). cheers!

i'm still going well - no formal relapse. from time to time, negative exposure to remind myself why i quit- but i know what i want. porn is just unappealing at this point- it doesn't cover any needs, and my cravings, too, are now channeled elsewhere (talking to real people, yay). so, day 16ish. longest i've had in awhile. let's keep moving. -- personal reflection: been feeling down a lot. it takes a conscious effort of letting myself reflect and rest, but i don't always do those in the correct sequence- like now, when i really should clean up my space, journal about what's bugging me, and then get here. the reason this is my response to stress, i think, is b/c i've conditioned myself to go to GQ when i don't feel well. maybe it does help, but certainly, journaling should come first as the most steadfast and reliable way of moving through my feelings! beyond that, exciting changes to my life coming to place- i'm quitting my job, moving a different city, and solidifying my long-term plans into concrete visions. a slow process, but i've learned that i'm not someone who can ever do it overnight. just persist, and i will get there.

wow, thank you for this- i'm realizing how much more closed off i've been w/ a lot of people around me. i'm not making that effort of reaching across, and i've been making plenty of my relationships superficial. i really should give people more of a chance! glad the book resonated w/ you; perhaps i should revisit it myself haha

Hey! It seems like we both took a pause from being here. Just wanted to say that I care and think of you- thank you for all your vulnerability and persistence. It means a lot to see you trying to live your best. You're an incredible person!

There is an important distinction between nice and kind, imo! Sometimes, being kind means not being nice, and vice versa. I always try to lead with kindness- as in, I want the best for you. That can mean saying something that's difficult for the other person to listen to. It can also mean saying something nice. But I never put nice-ness as the goal- often, it can be subverted into lying/evading/manipulating others. I'm nice when it helps me be kind, not the other way around. Just my 2c- look forward to hearing more about your journey! So glad to see you passionate about change and learning ❤️

Brief update: day 9. writing this after some significant struggle- about 30mins lost to some escapism. not sure where it came from, not sure why i needed it. i am not sure what it is i am running from- and i want to find out. i'll sit through it next time it's around. i don't want to dissociate. this world is too precious, and nothing i can really take for granted.

Day 7. urges present, but i persist b/c i remember who i want to be. i want the world to be free, and i will not ever achieve that vision w/out liberating myself. so, no relapsing today, and tomorrow me will return to this commitment.

hey! imo, that's you simply being hard on yourself. people who appear at 100% simply don't criticize themselves. that's literally all it takes. it doesn't mean they're doing any better performance-wise. but they definitely appear although they are. i've been in that 10-20% the whole evening today. it has sucked. but as soon as i wrote the statement above, i felt ignited to do the right thing again. have you read 'courage to be disliked'? may be of help to you ❤️

Imo, that is the myth of meritocracy, and quite plainly so. yes, we exist within the same temporality, but our privileges and abilities and experiences create differences that at times may be impassable. such a statement ignores disability, race, gender, and many other identity-based systems of separation and oppression. yes, a lot of things are technically possible for you . but that does not necessarily mean you actually can do those things. we all need to look to our strengths, and continuously work towards personal and collective liberation, cuz that's the only way towards actually becoming more 'all the same'. ❤️