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Pochatok

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  1. Appreciate your input, @Dark, @BooksandTrees, and @Ikar, I feel empowered and responsible ❤️ ❤️❤️ Unlike @Dark, I do not experience any significant drawback from not watching porn, but it still feels like a significant interference w/ my life, because I've educated myself plenty on how harmful the porn industry is, in countless ways. And, to watch porn is to be out of alignment w/ my values- I hate, hate with a passion sexualizing others, especially women. Perhaps, it is an issue of not having my life "together". I don't have the daily opportunity to love and connect w/ people in ways that are meaningful to me, and porn is my "don't know any better" coping mechanism. Except that I do- so many things have worked, historically to replace porn, from books to connecting w/ real people in different ways. Porn does not interfere w/ external parts of my life- getting things done, on time. But, it greatly shatters my inner self- it impacts my sense of integrity, it makes me see bodies before seeing people, it causes me to look and act towards people (especially women) in ways that make them uncomfortable. And that's the last thing I want. So, it is hard right now b/c I am not experiencing a loss of integrity- I don't sexualize others to a point where it truly frustrates me since I am mostly by myself, and am not around people who can be desirable/attractive. But this is a subversion: the more I resort to porn, the less I connect w/ my friends (tested countless times over). Ultimately, I want to quit. Back to groundhog day: 0 I will dedicate time, right now, to tell one of my friends how much I love them.
  2. That's not selfish, that's so caring! To serve others well, you need to first serve yourself ❤️ Thank you for your thoughts and experiences- it is very helpful to hear a unique, different perspective. Cannot agree, but very much understand and appreciate how you approach art, it's wonderful 🙂
  3. Congrats! Best of luck continuing to live your life more fully- I'm so glad you're attempting to make profound changes in your lifestyle!
  4. Wow, it's day 6 already. Time to reset the clock, though. Yesterday was a major relapse. Until then, I had some minor urges, but did not take them seriously enough. Right before bed, I lost about 40 minute of time to pornography. It felt all so regrettable. I told myself so many lies. Why this happened: I felt like I needed to "bring myself down". Sometimes, other people's presence can feeling of being "more than" someone else. I cannot bear a feeling of superiority- I know that I am equal; to "even" things out, I do something that causes me to feel lesser than someone else. Yesterday was like that. How to prevent this: journal more. Become more aligned w/ my belief that I am no lesser and no more than anyone; if I agree to treat myself w/ self-compassion, always, this will not be an issue.
  5. Hey! Thank you so much for sharing a lot of your journey, from current gaming urges to past experiences of homelessness. It means a lot to hold those words ❤️ The risk is not worth it! I've gone through the same loop of "oh it will be no big deal I'll make sure it's safe", but no amount of safety measures matter when addiction is driving your intentions. And it sounds like it, to me- you do mention that you are at risk of falling into binge. It's not worth your time, that risk or the possible consequences. I want you to be free, I want you to be happy, I want you to create a life where that kind of risk will seem unnecessary to take ❤️ Good luck navigating this situation however feels right; making regretful choices/mistakes is a part of the eternal learning process that is living- I look forward to hearing more from you! Po
  6. @Dark Not quite sure what you mean by "stupid things"? To me, there is definitely some withdrawal effects, given that porn does play a role in my life. Taking porn out, temporarily decreases my ability to cope with stress. Recognizing the coping mechanisms that show up to fill that void as such helps tone those effects down, and over time I am able to replace those effects with purposeful activities like self-compassion journaling. -- Day 1/90 Thank you to all those who read my journals and keep me accountable. I appreciate your support ❤️ Anticipating struggle: most likely after work, towards the evening. I tend to get tired and sleepy at that time, and usually revert to [p] as a way to gain energy. Preventing failure: read a book, send voice message to a friend instead. Recognize that [p] is an act of self-harm, and that i don't want to numb my feelings.
  7. 300 Spartans is the pinnacle of macho-infused toxic masculinity. Imo, if you were indeed raised like that, you'd be emotionally empty and unable to truly care for yourself and others, so I'm glad that you are who you are, Sniper. You do care a lot for others, and want yourself to live happily- it shows a lot through your messages. I know plenty who did follow the spartan steps pretty closely- now dead or disabled from fighting in Ukraine, because to "die like a hero" became their life's meaning (like for those Spartans). So lucky to have my parents moved me away from Russia when I was younger. I think what you may be aspiring towards in that scene, however, is stoicism- what are your thoughts on that?
  8. lol, i speak that language- indeed, the right eye is lovely.
  9. You cannot outcompete AI (or what AI really represents, commodified art). No matter how good you'll get, if you're making art for an "industry", you'll be replaceable. The only type of career where you as individual, as an artist are irreplaceable are those where you work FOR and WITH people, rather than reaping profit from them by creating for corporations. This is the reason I am not working in games at this point in my life. I had the chances to enter, but I knew that it would be for projects where profit is more important than helping people. This is also the reason I am doing independent animation, or learning to: because I want to tell my own stories, not distilled by any production team to make it appealing to a wider audience. Skill and technique matter, but only when they support you in telling your own story, in serving real people. Otherwise, someone will outcompete you, because your value comes from not inherent worth as an individual, but from performance reports. Just my 2c- I've struggled so much with this, too, and wish I got the answers I have now sooner.
  10. Feeling sooo done w/ pornography. I have moved through so many struggles, yet this one consistently comes back. I feel annoyed, disappointed, frustrated. So, let's take it seriously- I will start a counter. Will post every day through the 90 day period- brief, 1-3min morning reflections on how I'm setting myself up for success, and what I'm struggling with. -- Day 0: relapse. Reason: Felt tired, a need to become more energized. Essentially, this is a form of self-harm: numbing my feelings while simultaneously preparing myself to release them. Now they're being released- but I did not need to go through that experience to arrive to here. Takeaway: Remind myself that I am engaging in self-harm. Remind myself that what I really want is to listen, not numb myself. Let's try it!
  11. Imo, I think social habits and needs vary greatly- I generally don't experience much loneliness either. However, often I also numb my feelings of loneliness by indulging in compensationary mechanisms; imo, "reading a book" when you're lonely can calm you down and help you ground yourself, but it does not address the social needs you may have. And I do believe that nothing replaces in-person connection. But, all of my close-close people are only available online, and I get out into other social circles about once a week. That isn't enough- I do struggle with more anxiety and stress than usual. However, it covers the "minimum", and I will move to a different area in 4 months, so this loneliness temporary sacrifice I am willing to make for the sake of getting more done in other areas of my life ❤️ Just my perspective! Not doubting your sense of loneliness, but want to share how it works for me!
  12. Hey! I hear you, self-esteem and confidence are hard to maintain. I do want to also interconnect them with your "egocentric" behavior. Imo, raising self-esteem actually raises your insecurities, as self-esteem is based on social status/approval from others. Confidence is the opposite of insecurity: babies are 100% confident because they have no insecurities. As we gain insecurities (from becoming attached to the social importance of status, i.e. self esteem), we lose confidence. And as we gain even more insecurities, to the point of significant social anxiety, we develop narcissistic behavior. For me, and it seems for you, the narcissistic behavior is the combination of an inferiority complex (self-esteem issues) that is compensated by w/ a superiority complex (everyone is dumb). For me, then, it was important to first work through my own sense of inadequacy, through my insecurities. From there, I was able to replace self-esteem with self-compassion (something that is independent of how others treat you). Once that happened (still not 100% there!), I was able to let go of the superiority complex as well, and treat everyone as no different from me.
  13. Struggling again, this time w/ simple motivation. My morning routine struggles- if I do not start it correctly, everything crumbles. Even one piece of the equation missing results in loss of presence. Today, I took out exercise- did some minor stretches, but did not work out in the morning. Then, I avoided journaling, resulting in 3min worth of mindless internet browsing, then another 20mins of escapism following a 2hr worksession. I can do much better, if I set myself up for success. No distractions until evening, period. No movies, no social media- only actual efforts. This must be a solid rule, that I will follow consistenly. First approach: keep myself logged out of all socials during the day. Log out at the end of every night. -- @Ace92- thank you so much for sharing your experiences w/ me, I want to give them more space and respond later ❤️
  14. They are on YouTube, and podcast sites like applepodcast too! Good luck w/ future studying!
  15. You are so in touch w/ yourself- I admire that a lot! So sorry you've gone through a lot of stress, and also I'm so excited for this huge change in your life. Wishing you and your loved ones good health ❤️
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