Pochatok

lots of time passing. let's check w/ my past self: news-reading has gone down, significantly. creative work is put off, but only the type which i do not find meaningful. otherwise, i am quite artistically active, just not in ways i've used to value- physical craft, performance, and other things momentary and/or transient. i am beginning to engage in permanent work, but slowly- and could speed up that process. main issue, at the moment (aka reason i'm writing here again) is lack of direction. family has stayed, for whole three days. it is exhausting- there is many dissonances i experience; not the person i used to be, and many interactions w/ family that used to be fulfilling now leave me withdrawn. as a consequence, i've lost my sense of vision. i want to see the world set itself on fire- but a fire of passion, not doom. i'm tired, so tired of seeing my peers (and older people) succumb to a rapture complex: anticipating the world's ending actively, with a sense of defeatism. but there's so much opportunity in the world as it's crumbling. the stage of ruination is one of outmost salvaging, creativity, growth. but i see people choosing to wait for the falling ruins to crack their heads open; so few willing to run through the debris and plant seeds of change. i feel alone in my outlook, and even moreso alone in my willingness to act upon it. but i am not discouraged, because my impossible future speaks to me every morning. writing letters to my future self has been incredibly helpful- reading the hopes, fears, struggles of my self just a month ago fuels my confidence. he's made it, so will i- and with that force, i write to the person i will (have to) become in a year. our shared dreams, fears, aspirations- and he is immeasurably closer to them than i am right now. and he's real- assuming i survive. while my family was at home, it was harder to maintain that connection. being w/ family tends to be about reflection, not aspiration. it's helpful, like the 1st stage of sleep, when our brain chooses what memories to keep and trash out, before diving into REM. so, now is the time to dream, again, more- i'll pause this entry here, but my vision must continue to unravel until it feels impossible, overwhelming. peace

curious, does your son sleep in a different bed from you (parents)? none of the 5 children in my family had sleep difficulties, and I feel that is largely b/c they slept in one bed w/ parents until 18-24 months of age. i know that is not a frequent practice in US, but if you're curious i'm happy to share more. during the nights when any of my siblings would be forced to sleep separate from parents (mom specifically), their sleep patterns would be similar to what you describe. but only during those times and/or when sick. no prolonged, repeated awake sessions in the middle of the night otherwise.

hey Patrick, appreciate you hanging on- i'm glad you recognize the importance of support in your own life, and am so sorry that it is so lacking. while i am not in the same situation, i relate to the struggle for places of "belonging" and/or where i feel authentically "useful" rather than commodified. and that, then, causes me to return to a variety of unhelpful, damaging habits- biggest one being the creation of barriers to experiencing joy, rest, and other self-sustaining activities. it's very hard to notice them when i am alone- only when spending time, authentically, with other people, am i able to point out all the negative self-talk in my head. but, i believe that i will make more positive difference in others' lives in the future. that keeps me going. what keeps you going? your last message seems to end on a low note- which is fine! i'm not concerned, but it is sad to see you down.

wow, only been a week (and a bit), but feels like I haven't visited here in awhile. just wanted to provide a brief update on goals I've set here, and where I'm moving to now. news-reading: still something I do daily, but, by restructuring what news mean to me, i am able to filter what i pay attention to. but, that's not what i promised myself- and i feel quite upset that all the past iterations of myself until today were unable to accomplish this. i'll do better! no news for today- just one day, can i do it? other life: my current largest stone to turn over is the difficulty of self-expression. i keep putting off creative work- and it feels like i'm just wasting my time, hovering around the task but never getting myself to really do it. and i think that the world would benefit greatly from my voice- but i keep silencing myself. how i want to resolve the above problem: re-calibrate my creative responsibilities. think about who i am making this for, why, and how i believe this will change the world. i worry a lot about the process, and mostly b/c the end-goal is so hazy and cloudy. why this method: the one time in my life where i was deeply committed to completion of a project- last year's september through december -had a lot to do with my dedication to the process. BUT, i still never finished the project- because i did not know whom i was making this for. this time, i will have a specific, localized audience i am making this work for. all my smaller projects succeed not because of their size, but due to having that localized audience. so, let's see how this goes.

Yes, you are correct! Appreciate the clarification you make. What I must have intended to say is that some drugs are hard to recognize as such- and therefore it's harder to acknowledge that they can be addictive. And, some drugs are fundamentally harmful, no matter the "benefits"- like alcohol, which is poisonous at any amount. None of that means i'm against consumption- but making informed choices matters. and i see a lot of people not thinking about, for example, how much they're chasing promotions (which is rewarding) vs. doing things that have intrinsic value OR going to protests (which is fun!) vs doing actual political work. I would say that's a correct guess- myself, i think of things i'm aligned towards, rather than in opposition on. but, i do focus a lot on non-conforming (which just means i'm conforming to something else, lol). what gives my life meaning is knowing that i leave the world in a (systemically, structurally- not just individually) better place than i found it. wouldn't call it an addiction though- i categorize addiction as being unable to pace consumption at a desired rate. most of the time, it's the opposite problem- every day requires a long sequence of actions in order for me to do all the "non-conforming" things. speaking of which... -- Journal Time! want to keep myself accountable with the recent-most addiction (as in, i struggle to control how often i engage with the activity): news-reading, aka getting irrelevant but easily-digestable information into my brain at an inefficiently-high volume. why this is a problem: since i do enjoy learning, reading a faulty headline often results in me doing "research" on the topic- i end up reading a bunch more articles on something that was barely, if at all, relevant to what i set out for the day with. commonplace news are just not something that's valuable to me at the moment. how i want to resolve this: set a goal- i will only be reading news 1hr/week. awesome- now, a system: i will be reading news on sunday evenings. for now, i can spend however much/little time as i want indulging in this activity, but only on that day. why this method: i already know news is unappealing- but cold turkey is impossible, as i don't have the right tools for such an approach. my hope is that 1 day a week will soon prove itself needless, and i will be able to limit my news-reading to 1hr/week or less. stepping stones: tomorrow, read news ONLY in the evening. on Friday and Saturday, read no news at all. Sunday will be my "news" day, and from there onwards I should be able to uphold my system. cheers! more updates coming later, but all is well overall. just praying for more endurance and strength.

so, so glad to hear this. hope you get more chances to enjoy the age of napping while it lasts lol

i think that some people quit "forever", and yet drugs are pretty inherent to living in the Western world- it's really, really hard to get by without them. most people who i see "quit" here or elsewhere turn to other drugs- often without recognizing them as such. earning lots of money, attaining other status quo goodies, simply staying busy- all are encouraged and rewarded by societal structures. and that's the reason it is very hard for me to quit games- i don't conform, and not having those drugs at hand moves me towards gaming. when i first quit, i immediately jumped onto the "success via career development + social status" drug. now, i'm off of that one- and games are making a return. over the last year, slowly, they really have been crawling under my skin. i don't want to go back. i believe that there is a 3rd option, where i neither conform, nor compensate with gaming for the isolation that results in me standing my ground, living life my own way. and i'm looking for it, now.

dunno, seems pretty awesome to me! i think what you mean is that strangers wouldn't see much, which is applicable for most people's everyday hustling, imo. as someone who is familiar with you, however, i understand how big, contextually, all these changes are! i know it's well past the dentist visit, but sending hugs to the version of you who typed up that message. i also have a strong disdain for dentistry- every visit i just try to think about people who have it much worse (people on the frontline of ukraine, for example). does help me- most of the visits i remember through the people i imagined, not the tooth tinckering. hope you feel like your life is worth living, because it absolutely is. even in outmost isolation, we are making an impact on the world- and that matters above all else, to me.

quick entry: on admitting my weakness, and searching for strength too often, i fail to acknowledge that my energy is lacking. someone i look up to in this regard, and who makes me aware of my gaps in searching for strength is Ismatu Gwendolyn. she often writes that her day begins with a dropping out of bed, kneeling onto the floor, and praying for strength for the rest of the day. for awhile, i misinterpreted that as the strength to simply make it through- but now i recognize that Ismatu may be asking for a different kind of strength. the kind that moves you to move mountains. for me, every moment that i spend with ease feels off- why is it so light? i'm always suspicious of easy times, because most often that has to do with me forgetting/neglecting my responsibilities, my timelines, my dreams. today, however, i was questioning the difficulty of movement rather than the ease- i was doing the most ordinary, easy things, but they felt incredibly difficult. i was forcing myself to eat. i was struggling to enjoy getting distracted with a YouTube video- and, upon reflection, I'm glad. because both were a compulsory response to me not engaging with my promises and axioms. i was eating to silence the call to action, i was browsing internet to alleviate the weight of sadness. and at this point, i recognize the harm of those behaviors without even thinking- they no longer feel good, at all. there is no tricking myself into "this is the right thing"- i see the addictions, the drugs for what they are. but i still indulge anyways. and that's the kind of strength I - and Ismatu, i think - are looking for. the strength to look deeper, to not avoid responsibilities, to not shift away from what matters. because when i look critically, there is so much today that matters. and i should engage in all of that. i really have not been journaling sufficiently. not at all. and it's wearing me down- because i am not reminding myself, in a routine fashion, of who i am and what shapes me and what i want to shape. here's to a brighter day.

regardless of whether this conversation continues or not, i think it's important to say, for all other folks reading- so good to be engaging in a thorough conversation like this, yay! i won't be responding here just b/c this is already taking up a full webpage in what's supposed to be my journal, but i appreciate the time and effort put into the reply. some public acknowledgments to make, however: 1. i do think my previous message's last two paragraphs were condescending. it's on me to write more calmly and thoughtfully. from what i see, that tone was manipulative and pushed you to commit to more effort and time into responding than what you were interested in. 2. also, i think that the ask of the messages themselves was unfair- i should not be setting standards higher than what i myself was committing towards. i do think, however, that your response took this in a different direction- i wasn't asking you to turn down any of my sources (which you did), but to share some of your own (which you did, too!). 3. i agree on the lack of validity of my claims- the sources i've provided don't back me up. while it was not the articles linked i was referencing, but the academic sources of those articles (and you do miss that point in your response), those academic articles also don't back me up either. i should have indeed given more time to read these- but also, i don't mind being wrong, i mind not learning :) i did rush writing the response, and appreciate you pointing that out AND bringing up additional studies that back up your claims. if i do stumble upon sources that back up my beliefs, i will share them- but that's not today 4. lastly, this specific statement does make implications about me as a person, and i think that's important to address given that, again, this is my diary page: - yes, i do think that like porn, sex is nuanced and the conventional understanding/approach to sex is channeled through heteronormativity, patriarchy, etc.. it seems that fundamentally, we value/understand these societal issues quite differently- i think this is where our views diverge, at large. in case we do keep chatting, this is the stuff i'd want to be talking about. i don't think that my beliefs about sexuality "hold me back", but they certainly do make life more difficult b/c i choose to not conform to a lot of standards, being queer and all that. therefore, my pool of opportunities, sex or other modes of connection, tends to be narrower. that's a choice though, not a discomfort/insecurity. going by definition of "sex shamed" that i've provided, i again cannot agree with your insights- because i don't think i am "socially uncomfortable". on the topic of which... - i understand how this diary makes me appear as "socially uncomfortable"- i come here mostly to share things i am struggling with, and rarely share successes. i assume that you define "social comfort" on my experiences of loneliness that i've shared throughout the last couple years. those don't have much to do with my social skills/luck, however- but just like w/ sex, i am very selective with people i meet. i am lonely because i choose to be- not because i lack the ability to create/sustain relationships. i would say that by conventional definitions, i am not lonely either- but my metrics are based on my own standards. from you what you point out, it seems that this isn't very clear lol ------ with all this, imma put this journal back to its focus- talking about how i'm doing: visited my closest person this week- my summer vacation, technically. saying "person" because it's hard to put any label on our relationship (like with most people i am close to, heh). i think that we've adjusted our boundaries in both emotional proximity (smaller) and general intimacy (expanded). this trip has made me notice how my emotional awareness decreased- there were plenty of moments where i struggled to read myself and my *person* (lol). BUT, i did try to make up for that by practicing providing care and compassion- i.e. intimacy :) ultimately, this trip left me excited to not just meet more people, but develop deep relationships, again. just have to remember to be patient- all of my closest relationships are 1+ years old. tomorrow, i am seeing two more old-time friends. first time in over a year, crazy! excited to see how/if our relationships will adjust, as we ourselves have changed so much, too. then sunday, i am helping a more recent (but so, so dear) friend make an important life change. it will be a whole-day trip, and i both look forward to and dread it- lots of logistics, even more effort. beyond social life, i have stabilized, it appears, the next 6 months of my life. if i move at a good pace in the next week, i will be able to set solid plans for my life all the way through summer of 2026. lots of exciting plans, but i don't want to chat much until they come to fruition. what's missing from these plans is my social life- @Celgost and my summer vacation really made me think about how my low-prioritizing of social life negatively impacts my satisfaction and drive. more on that later, but i think i know what needs to happen <3 to all those reading- may your day pass with ease, and may you make mistakes and learn from them :) Po

disagree- i read your post thoroughly, and simply did not respond to parts of it i agreed with or had nothing to comment on. i reply to specific statements within your comment- just like you do in this reply above. re: men's pleasure and patriarchy in porn // first, let's go over the comment history- here's your original statement: to which i respond: there's a lot of research backing up the claim (i don't like the site linked personally but they do link academic research at the bottom of their articles, from which you can derive your own conclusions), that conventional/mainstream porn centers men's pleasure AND that it is dehumanizing. there are many people on the internet disagreeing with that research- but their arguments, like yours (so far), are opinion, not evidence or research-based. as for the "problematic consumer" claim: as an addict, you must know how difficult mindful consumption is. and it's not easy to make choices on what you consume even without addiction- content is just thrown in your face. and when it comes to porn industry, which is inherently harmful, all consumers are "problematic", just like ALL car drivers pollute air- doesn't matter how much, or what car they drive. sure- can you provide evidence that this is the case for me? you've assumed twice that I am sex shamed, not based on my behavior, but on the views i hold. i define sex shame as "negative reaction to some or all sexual things" like one's sexuality, sex itself, etc.. me disliking porn because it is harmful, especially to women has nothing to do with sex itself- but with how pornography channels hate, oppression, and hierarchy through sex for the sake of profit. i will respond to your further comments only if they are based on factual evidence and research. i understand that you disagree, but you are acting as if your opinion is correct without any proof. you can disagree! but that does not mean you are right. if you think you're right, provide proof that is research/evidence-based, like the articles linked above.

sad to hear you feel stuck in the current situation, yet i'm glad you're giving yourself so much space. i believe that even if the moment you wrote that passage on, anxiety was too large to be moved, it won't necessarily be the case tomorrow. wishing you (and myself) good change.

alright, so i am back~ life has really thrown me a few... eugh... well let's see what i shared last time: i'm certainly not building ambition. what did happen is that i figured my life out, yet again- i've really, really re-centered my life goals on something i was barely imagining before. it feels both good and disorienting- so large to take in, almost impossible. i guess i shouldn't keep it a secret- i want to go back to my birth country (russia) and teach queer stuff there (music, queer studies, art, writing, etc- all things that foster one's self discovery and growth). but the thing is, it feels impossible- especially with where russia is now, and where i am now (not in russia, lol). and let's talk about the SHIT THAT HAPPENED, too! ... so, i was planning on moving to Chicago, cuz life there would be good and I would meet cool people and do cool things with those cool people. but despite my pretty good trying, bad luck chased me around- 4, FOUR applications fell through, and i was like "the universe is giving me a sign to stay". so that's where i am now- a week, exactly, into "staying". and i've been feeling like a swamp- just stuck, completely unsure of what to do next. feeling like a little boy AND so old at the same time. like time is both nonexistent and just flying by too fast, and i feel like i am moving so so slow and yet too fast... where do i go from here? ... i'll let tomorrow me provide some clarity here. but for now, let's set my dreams clear again- because doing so publicly gives me some accountability <3 i want to be buried in russia to educate russians, in russia, on liberation stuff- queerness, autonomy, compassion, etc. to make russia a livable place for liberation stuff to help ukraine win the war- that's the very first step towards a free russia. if russia wins, i doubt there will be any positive change for its people... here is the trouble-making part: how do i make myself helpful to a cause that's so far away? i feel damn useless. my prior dreams were all about doing something that i found useful. now, it's about figuring out what others (ukranians) may find useful. and the problem is, i'm not in conversation with any of those people! and, a lot of them don't have easy answers either- war is not something that can be won overnight, war is not something that can be significantly influenced on an individual level, or by an individual's talent. when i was dreaming of animation or community/collective work, the efforts i would need to undertake AND the fruits of that labour felt a lot more obvious. but now, i feel like i'm throwing seeds into soil- will they sprout? where should i throw them? and even larger reason for my troubles is that none of my friends are in a different situation- they all are damn confused about what they are doing. they're still doing things, however- and i am too, but all of it feels so uncertain at the moment. i hope this will pass soon. right now, i just don't feel like anything but reflection/training for the sake of training is worth my time. life has lost certainty, and i don't know how to hold that yet.

disagree- i loooove sex and my relationship with it is constantly improving. i would categorize it as "good" b/c i like where i am at, comparatively to where i was (though there is things to improve, ofc). i dislike porn b/c it is problematic, fundamentally. i think that conventional sexualizing is indeed quite harmful- it is rooted in patriarchy and dehumanizing. not all sexualizing is so- but in porn, it is most definitely such. porn rarely portrays love for the person, or even for all of their body. conventional porn centers (men's) pleasure in a sanitized way that ultimately damages my ability to genuinely connect with others. i think that erotic stuff can be helpful when it is detached from conventions i shared above, but then it's not really "erotic", it's much more than that- romance, love, compassion, acceptance. all the good stuff. cuz ultimately, i just don't want to ever center connecting with another person on pleasure. for me, it's about helping each other be our best selves- sometimes, that includes pleasure, but quite often it's a lot more complicated than that :)

haha, i actually turn to this site exactly when i feel lost and need to vent! hope that you'll still have things to complain about during the therapy appt :)