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Pochatok

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  1. Day 97! It appears that my last streak ran over 180 days, so if I want to keep going, 200 days seems like a good milestone. Partially want to set a milestone because urges have been hitting up due to me being on break... It's a bit annoying to be so invested into "playing during my off time" mindset again. When summer break was coming up in May, those urges were much weaker and I felt so much more value in other areas of my life. At the moment, gaming is really sucking me in. Fortunately, the break is officially over and I have not relapsed during its entirety. I need to continue to fight gaming addiction more actively, just as I would try to curb any other habit. Consistent effort is required no matter how easy it can get sometimes. Perhaps not playing games is like running- even if I am able to run as fast as I want, I still need to exercise often to keep that up (even if it takes less effort now than it used to). Not much from this week; it has been fairly productive and fun overall, I've enjoyed visiting my family during break and am a bit unexcited about coming back to school since its *work*, but thinking of my class projects does get me excited- they're going to be a lot of fun 🙂 Will journal more when I have enough time, but this is it for now! On my way to 200 days without gaming YESYESYES Po
  2. Good luck! No matter the results, I hope that you’ve learned something useful/have some takeaways from while studying for it 🙂
  3. I also would recommend making a new account for YouTube- that does reset the recommendations to an extent. If you can, try logging out? I know that it's not possible on all devices...
  4. WARNING: very long entry. Read at your own risk! Why: I think that despite the fact that this is a "open-to-public" journal, I still write mainly for myself. That can make it less accessible for others at times, but I don't think that it's right to compromise on myself in this space. Today I felt like I had a lot to say; whether you care or not is up to you- my work is to simply share it 🙂 Day 89. Nice, another 90 days nearly complete! That urge is there for sure- I find it very funny how my brain sees reaching this milestone as an opportunity to receive extra dopamine. I wonder if my recent increase in YouTube is correlated at all with this; either way, I'll stay strong- there is so many other things I want to do instead. Journaling Today, I wanted to do things a bit differently: share some data from my personal wellbeing tracker over the last 6 months (started using it in March). It's exciting to see the different ways in which my perception of myself has changed. Yes, I think it is important to keep in mind that this is a self-assessment of my health, and so not an actual representation of how I am doing. Let's start! I will kick off with my overall self-assessment of wellness, which is a combination of many different factors, some of which I've included below. Just for reference! Stress Management I think it is interesting to see that though the overall improvement is low, there has been a significant improvement in stability recently- around the time I began doing counselling regularly. Given how challenging the last two months have been for me, I'm happy to see that my (perception of) stress management has been steadily rising. Relationship Quality This gives me so much joy! Given how much difficulty I have in general with making relationships, It's exciting to see that since my "peak" in ~early August (when I was a summer camp worker and made tons of connections), I have been keeping relationships high on my priority list. Though I am uncertain whether my relationships are actually improving or not, this high amount of stability in the last two months means that I, at least, think more about socializing. Having Purpose in Life I feel like I've gained most control in this area. Though not as steady as the last two, there is a significant increase from where I started to where I am now here. I think that what helped me here so much is exploring myself and the world around me more, and understanding how I belong in it, along with setting goals and having a more clear vision of what I want my future to be. Work Environment This one is uhh, complicated. The large area of stability in the middle is my stay at home (family) over the summer- it is interesting to see how I made steady improvement and then declined, the longer I stayed at home for. It's also interesting to see the sudden jumps right around that time- both were transition periods, where I changed my work environment a lot and was adjusting. Now, however, that suddent drop in my self-evaluation is different. I believe that I'm opening my eyes more to the negative impacts my environment can have on me, and trying to actively address them (unsuccessfully at this point 😞). I'm very curious about where this will go next; I've done a lot of work on my environemnt, but I still don't feel like it's where I want it to be. STUFF FROM THIS WEEK i feel like this entry is so long I gotta use CAPS. Good Things: I've been doing well in all of my classes, it seems. Though, there have been a lot of things that have stressed me out, too. It's complicated, but I feel like I have control of the situation I have been more curious and passionate about a lot of good things; I've been allowing myself to take more time to research things that interest me, and challenging myself to reduce my procrastination. It's going in the right direction, and I hope to keep it up I've been enjoying being alone more. Lately, I've been trying to evaluate my own happiness solely through my relationships with others. It's time I take it back to myself 🙂 Things I'm not happy about: Porn addiction has been getting worse. I am getting it under control, again, but it does seem like I am still struggling to let go of it completely. It's only a matter of time though There has been more procrastination than I would like to admit. Again, improving here as well, but also slowly. I've been having slightly more frequent mood swings than usual, and it's frustrating. I was hanging out with a very dear friend the other week, but simply could not enjoy it because I was simply not feeling happy for some reason 😞
  5. Feeling so down today, but I feel like I am dealing with these feelings better than usual! I feel like I am also redifining what it means to be productive today: it is work balanced with rest. And today I am resting well. Hope that the next minute will pass better than the last heh Po
  6. Today's kind of interesting so I really want to journal. First, I've hang out with a friend that I haven't seen in some time and that was nice, though i noticed my brain throwing comparisons to our previous hangout and how it "felt better"; that gave me anxiety. I find it a bit sad that I get distracted from the good things so easily; I am still a perfectionist in some ways, ew. Other than that, i have been avoiding some of my work. It's frustrating since it's both harming my productivity (I am getting distracted easily) and also putting my performance at risk (I am pushing myself closer and closer to the deadline). Though I am overall highly productive and feeling rather well, I find this struggle to prioritize things correctly and control my rest (the quality and quantity of it) frustrating. Hm, about rest: I notice how the less I take my time to take proper breaks where I get away from the screen/work environment and physically and mentally relax, the more time I spend resting in a way that does not recharge me. Yesterday I've spent some time reading and was much less distracted by social media; today is the opposite. I need to keep trying to improve my resting habits; they harm my productivity the most, it seems. Po
  7. True, but it can still be valuable! Even if it's only a few people who are reading your journal entries, they still make an impact on our lives! It's super awesome to see you doing so much better because of your new job 🙂
  8. Day 81. Pretty close to another 90 days huh? Funny enough, thinking of completing another 90-day detox does bring urges. But nope, there are so many better things to do! I know that gaming can be fun and rewarding, but it does not make the world a better place in any way; it only benefits me, and at times harms others. Journaling I have been noticing my tendency to "autopilot" when practicing music, which is frustrating. I don't have a lot of time to practice, and it's very important to be the most efficient I can be when practicing. For most of the week, I was doing really well! But, I've missed some important aspects of successful practicing today. I really need to continuosly force myself to stick to a certain set of actions until they become a habit and I begin to complete them on autopilot. I'm nowhere near that end stage, but hope to get there. Other than that, it's been a pretty good week. For the majority of time I've been highly productive, but I have not made enough space and thought for proper resting. I keep going on YouTube aimlessly, or just surfing internet for no reason. I need to make reading a habit again. Let's try reading every day for 3 weeks straight. And making art, too. I need to remind myself what it actually feels like to rest, rest happily and fully. Another large issue that was brought up during my counselling session is how I do not allow myself to be happy, still. It is actually happening right now- for a couple minutes, I was not allowing myself to continue journaling because I was not feeling well. Though journaling here makes me feel better, I was trying to force myself away from this activity. Time to work in this area, too- this could be a core issue to a lot of my other problems, maybe? What I have done today: I actually completed a lot of HW on time, yay! Worked on a variety of projects Exercised! What I am not going to do tomorrow: Be worried about having too much time Spend my free time doing things I don't need or don't enjoy, such as... Browsing Internet for no reason Ignore physical discomfort Stay in my dorm for more than 1 hour Some good things from this week: I've been getting enough sleep every day! Feels like I can actually get through my day Submitting a lot of schoolwork on time Being pretty good at my jobs hehe Spending quality time with my partner and even seeing some friends (hanging out with someone on Sunday yay) But, I've had some weirdass dreams this week. Very glad I can't remember much, they were nasty. Stay well, stay alive! Po
  9. Hi! I don't know if this would lead you to a relapse later on; this depends on what this music means to you and reminds you of, and how you react to hearing it. I would track your response to it to see if it is harmful in any way. I listen to music of games I've previously played (in which the music is actually good tho haha) quite a bit; and I still am interested in seeing Game Development Diaries, talks, and such. But, I only allow myself these things because they do not cause urges for me- they're exciting and fullfilling on their own. I just find video game music to be a very unique medium, and game development diaries often offer very interesting perspectives from an artistic view. So, this depends on you- is listening to OSTs fullfilling on its own, or does it make you crave for gaming? Po
  10. Day 75 Writing about urges Journaling I'm not feeling super well today, partially because I feel like I get so stressed out and worn out during the week that the weekend just kind of bodyslams me and I get all confused. What do I do with all this 'free' time? How do I take a break and rest? It feels like I have not been taking my time to answer these questions and it is frustrating. I have spent about an hour on social media and just wondering around internet for no reason today because of that. I think that from now on, I will try to change the things I do at the very end of the day. Currently, I just go on my phone and/or rest and think over what has happened earlier. Instead, I want to not be going on my phone (don't like that in general, makes falling asleep harder an such) and rather think of what I am looking forward too in the next day and for the weekend, and put those down on my todo list for according days. This way, I will know that whenever I am wandering around aimlessly, there is something exciting to "work on". I've attempted this earlier by trying to keep track of how often I complete certain pleasurable, positive activities like exercise and reading, but it has become too inconsistent with my busy schedule. In order to stay on top of things and also not feel depressed when I have free time, I need to plan out both my chores and my resting activities. Let's see where this goes! Let me start now, here: For Sunday, I want to (can;t be chores!)... Watch a cool short animation Listen to one new song Read another chapter in my book text one old friend think of a gift for my partner Some people also mention having a "don't-do list", but I honestly feel like it would be a bit too complicated with everything else I have on the moment. I just don't have the space for that, and try to rely on my discipline and things I am doing to curb that. I'll journal on good and bad things from this week tomorrow, gotta get going now! Thank you all, and have a restful Sunday, Po
  11. What helps me moderate these urges more is understanding where this "weighing on my mind" comes from. For me, it's not my mind weighing things, but my addicted brain trying to reconnect me to my old habits. Understanding that this is not what I actually want, and my desires trying to trick me helps. Of course, that's not always the case- there are times when I genuinely want to play because it is very meaningful, but those times are much more occasional, pattern-free. In other words, I just want to play games for a reason other than it simply being convenient cuz of "more free time" or "a new game/update coming out". Food for thought, I hope 🙂 Po
  12. Thank you! Hope to not waste any more of that precious money -_- Yes, I feel like it is very difficult if not impossible to completely disregard physical appearance, but simply noticing how my behavior is impacted by that has helped me change the way I view people around me. Glad you are doing the same! Uhhh, not gonna say I am feeling much happier now, but the week overall has been better. Sometimes, for me, stress needs to be endured for longer amounts of time to- I am confident that it will pay off soon.
  13. Yes, very true! I think that porn is just one aspect of the impact of modern beauty standards. It goes very deep into our everyday life in ways that are often hardly noticeable. The more I have been detaching myself from viewing the world through those beauty standards, the more I notice how prevalent they are! And yes, I've avoided dating apps all my life hahaha
  14. Day 69, continued! Journaling I am not 100% sure what has caused me to feel so stressed today specifically, but it probably has been a combination of things like messing up my sleep schedule, not getting enough sleep, being distracted throughout the day and not meeting certain personal and professional deadlies. Additionally, I feel slightly exhausted socially. Though my capacity for social interaction has increased a lot lately, it still can cause me a lot of stress. I hope to end today on a better note overall. Otherwise, today has been a day where I have been certainly feeling passively-tired (as in, I'm feeling tired, but can't think straight). This is partially what has made me reverese some bad habits, which I am not happy about. Whenever I am tired, I am less self-counscious. I can feel my lack of focus. Very frustrating, cuz I don't think that I can do anything about it other than going to bed, which isn't happening for the next 4 hours. What I have done today: A ton of social work! I've completed dialogues with 5 people, and I think that they were highly helpful 🙂 Held a few successful tutoring sessions Completed some homework! I've been not doing well academically, so this made me quite happy. What I am not going to do today: Opening any more youtube. I've spent far too much time on it today. Avoid doing things that improve my wellbeing. Destroy my posture Not get enough sleep Some good things from this week: I've been doing super amazing at my jobs! I feel like I am making a lot of impact on others' lives and that feels good 🙂 Still loving my classes- they are genuienly fun and I am learning a lot from being there My partner and I have been doing well together. I am enjoying spending time with them Lots of exciting things are happening next week, and I am looking forward to them Some baddies: Time for personal hobbies and interestes is completely gone. I am so overwhelmed with work this week, it's ridiculous. It's completely my fault though- I enjoy my jobs too much and have a hard time not overdoing them I've had two night shifts over the weekend and they messed up my sleep schedule There has been a very socially-stressful accident today, and I am not sure if I have resolved it properly/completely. Nervous Blowing more deadlines! Completly forgetting some academic deadlines, personal projects have gotten zero development, and I am barely holding it together for some of my jobs (though no one has noticed yet, thankfully) This week has been pretty crazy overall. I am finding myself to be very exhausted and generally overworked. I do have time for rest, but I am not using it properly; that's a me issue though, and I hope to resolve it in this upcoming week. Thank you for reading! Po
  15. Gaming: 69. Nice. Social Media: Not going to keep a counter anymore, but rather just journal about it: I've been accessing slightly more instagram and youtube lately while also reading less. I think that reading is something that fullfills the same areas of interest as social media, and whenever I am not reading there is an inclination to shift off to social media. Will keep this in mind! Otherwise, I am still doing very well on self-controlled usage of Twitter- have visited it maybe once every 4 days in the last week. Journaling This week has been extremely stressful, and in a lot of ways it seems like today is the pinnacle of it all. I feel like I need to get some more immediate support first, but hope to journal here as soon as I feel better. Update you soon, Po