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Thursday entry: Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence... No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way. With that, I want to live by the following values today: - positive obsession // get things done - dreaming // see my path clearly - clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future - honesty // no lies to myself, or others - movement // do not stagnate, keep active Let's seize the day -- Friday entry: Day 2. I have been engaging in pornography, but in a very important manner that actually distances me from it. This is similar to how I engaged w/ games prior to quitting- by creating a different relationship that was not rooted in avoidance, escapism, and etc.. Once this was achieved, I no longer "needed" games, and therefore had an easier time quitting. I understand the risks of this approach, but am already feeling much better about it. It's a lot harder to rewire my relationship with pornography by quitting cold turkey. Instead, I need to kindly, patiently recreate my relationship so that it simply is no longer needed. Almost like saying goodbye to a friend with whom I need to part ways- be kind, compassionate, caring, yet firm. Not one step back here. I want to keep learning.
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ironically, my advice is rooted in compassion, but I believe it to be genuine advice. Stop comparing yourself to others. It's no use, and there is no greater enemy to your own freedom than social complacency/conformity. I know that you live in a Russian-speaking country, and understand that being in any way non-conforming is not an easy task. However, if you simply try to chase for becoming someone else, you will sacrifice your own priorities, opportunities, and uniqueness. Instead, make a plan that serves you first- whether that includes winning olympiads or not is up to you. But all these social achievements should not be a goal in itself. From my experience, once I was able to set goals that centered on my own needs and interests, I actually increased my achievements- my grades skyrocketed, and my skills in all areas of passion improved tremendously. But first, I had to do all of those things for myself. Not for the sake of achievement. Again, I understand that this is difficult for you given where you live. But, I still recommend doing what you can to avoid conformity as much as possible.
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Hey! Welcome, glad to have you here, and I look forward to seeing your journey!!! Po
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Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence... No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way. With that, I want to live by the following values today: - positive obsession // get things done - dreaming // see my path clearly - clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future - honesty // no lies to myself, or others - movement // do not stagnate, keep active Let's seize the day.
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Day 1 - all good. some urges, but I know better. Onwards. My values are: - greater purpose- to lessen unnecessary suffering of all those around me // - whole-wellbeing // i am my environment - deviance // conformity is a slow death - integrity // unbreakable commitments - discipline // nourish routines - visioning // chart ahead, do not stumble - presence // no passivity - compassion // always breathe w/ kindness - obsession // do not settle for effort - clarity // act decisively - determination // do not surrender With that, I regret that today's morning has been rather slow (yet fast-passing). I did not set goals early on, I did not have a clear routine in mind, I did not create plans. Instead, I ran in circles trying to find an immediate solution to a large set of issues. Zoom out. Take the time to take the world in. Do not escape, do not narrow my vision- do not relapse ❤️
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So, on Day 7- relapse. Did not set my values for that day, was two days journal-free, etc. . I am lacking a commitment to a stark routine, one that I will follow no matter what. Saturday, I simply forgot. Sunday, I spent all my day away from home. Still, I have such strong regret for relapsing. It is a significant hit to my values. I know I can do better. No more relapses. I want to be free- keep learning. I am missing a tremendous amount of discipline, commitment, and planning- and I am thankful to @Yan for helping me notice that. Onwards: My values are - whole-wellbeing (the combined health of community and myself) // as opposed to individualism - honesty, openness, and vulnerability - all interconnected and equally important // as opposed to closetedness - deviance // as opposed to conformity - integrity // as opposed to inconsistency - discipline // as opposed to discontinuity - visioning // as opposed to momentous - presence // as opposed to passivity - compassion // as opposed to apathy - obsession // as opposed to effort - clarity // as opposed to indecisiveness - determination // as opposed to inclination
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Interesting! I do not trust my yesterday self enough to set expectations for my today self. I tend to plan first thing in the day, but not overnight. I do set larger goals/dreams/systems overnight, but not the day-to-day actions. Just some thoughts- you're amazing ❤️
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My 2c on dieting: don't count calories, but commit to eating unprocessed, chemical-free foods. Yes, they're more expensive and give less "immediate" results. But everything, EVERYTHING else will result in significant health concerns later down the lane- decades later, but still. I remember keeping a complex diet in high school, when I was obsessed w/ growing muscle infinitely. Did I succeed? Yes. But I lost enjoyment in my meals and cooking, I lost that sacred connection to my inner digestion cycles (i.e. ate when I was not hungry) and I gained disdain for the very process of consuming food. Now, I have lost ~10lbs in muscle mass, but I feel so much fresher and at-home in my body. My food is a joy to both cook and eat. And, I eat foods that are beneficial to all of me, and when I am hungry- and therefore am at what I consider my "natural" weight. Some people would call that too lean, but it is what feels "right". I feel free, most importantly, of contemporary conventional beauty standards- and that on its own elevates my mental and social wellness to a whole new level.
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Hey! It's alright, your frustrations and fears are more than valid. It seems like you had a major disturbance to your plans, brought by things that are largely beyond your control. Be gentle w/ yourself- you're doing your best. P
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Day 5 - what a horrifying day to wake up to. I had a sleepover! Would not consider this a hook-up, but it also did not feel like any of my late-night romantic encounters (lol) before. There is a bit ball of feelings to untangle in regards to that experience. For now, I can say that I was not kind to myself, to my deeper dreams and aspirations, to my future self. I am sorry for letting you all down. My relationship with you is far more important than any other, and yesterday I pretended like that was not true. Doing what's "good in the moment" is a lie, because I hope to live another day. In fact, I hope to live for many, many days. I cannot, therefore, make decisions for the present w/out consideration for that. No more sacrifice zones! I will take good care of my future self. Perhaps I've not been connecting to them often enough. Po
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Day 4 - want to keep this consistent to mornings. No urges today. I know that people who love me and see me are near. I want them, not a drug. I no longer need this drug, and I am cultivating better drugs- reading, resting, meditating -as an alternative. They're still drugs, and are to be treated with caution, but their benefit on my wellbeing will be always net-positive. I want to be free, happy, honest, ambitious, passionate, obsessed.
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Day 3 - only three days, but going smoothly. That date revitalized my passion for spending time w/ people rather than images. Main risk on my mind is forgetting my values, so let's recap them: - Honesty - Service - Compassion - Wellbeing - Integrity - Happiness - Autonomy - Change - Adventure - Madness How does pornography's interfere w/ my values? When I engage w/ pornography, i.e. dehumanization through sexualisation, I am not compassionate. The very process of sexualization denies one's full humanity, which is incompatible w/ compassion. To comfort this dissonance, I lie to myself when I watch pornography, and undermine both my "honesty" and "integrity" values. As a consequence of lying and living in alignment w/ so many values at once, I also become unhappier. As a result, I feel less confident in myself, which in effect stagnates my ability to change (as in order to change, I need to feel like I know who I currently am). Alright, so let's not watch it! Majority of my values are interfered w/ when I engage in pornography. Excited to take it on tomorrow- I am already 5% done 🙂
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Day 2 - had some cravings, didn't give in! And, had a wonderful improptu date that left me w/ 6 hours of sleep, but anyways! I feel like a lot of my social urges were met. I felt very loved and gave a lot of love, too ❤️ Today, I will also be quite busy and quite tired. I anticipate accumulating urges as the day goes on. My response will be, "I want to be sustainably happy- meaning I will simultaneously push myself towards creating a better world AND be gentle and caring. Pornography is neither of those; instead, it weakens my sense of integrity, raises my insecurities, and distances me from the world I want to create" Let's get rolling 🧻
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Hey! Something that really helped me was switching to a more private browser (brave) or just turning various metadata off on chrome (ad tracking), combined w/ re-routing my social/game cravings into things more aligned w/ my values (only game I'd play would be a visual novel on a topic that really matters to me, or an unexciting, intellectual strategy game). I restructured my YouTube subscriptions, twitter feed, and Insta follows. -- Beside that, I'm sorry you're stuck at such an isolated and un-rewarding work environment. I would be (and am, kind of) experiencing cravings too- it's not a healthy space to be in. Regardless of what comes your way, I'm happy to see how much you care for yourself. Po
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Hey! I wonder, how familiar are you w/ sleep hygiene? Imo, that mid-day nap is what may be causing your fatigue.
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