Dear Diary...

[BooksandTrees]

Last weekend I hit 123 weeks free from video games. I've been posting less because of work, studying, and spending more time away from the computer. 

I feel confident in my study plan and am finally studying every night. 1.75 months from my exam. I like my progress more than last year. 

I'm doing better with work than I have over the past few months. I think I go through a burnout phase every winter. I was reading the past few winters in my diary and found a trend lol.

My relationship is going well and I'm very grateful for it. 

I have developed minor, minor cold symptoms and panicked about it being covid. I was told I'd know if it was covid because of it's severity. I'm praying it's not covid. The symptoms don't really match it so I'm probably just anxious. I woke up tonight sweating like crazy but no fever. My stomach and midsection were sweating but not my head. I think that's more digestion related. 

I've been working out every day and feel great. It's really beneficial to me now. I also have been doing puzzles on my kitchen table thanks to my girlfriend. I thought they'd be boring but they're stimulating without the mind fog of video games. 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm not feeling well today/tonight. I was having a great day and then got very tired at lunch and then started having stomach issues. I rested a bit after work (still a productive day) and then studied more. I still think I'm on good pace to finish studying before May.

[BooksandTrees]

Today I'm 124 weeks free from gaming. I had a much better week. My strategy to get stuff done at work wasn't to have a list of things to accomplish, but rather a list of things I'd like to work on. If I worked on it, regardless of how much time I spent on it, at the end of the day I checked it off my list. This actually lead to me being more productive and I accomplished a lot of work during the week. I also studied a bit during the week and will continue to study this weekend.

One thing that's getting in my way is a lot of coworkers keep hosting virtual events for us to attend and I feel extremely guilty not attending them. I did two this week and it ate up about 4 hours of my time. I didn't feel a social or mental benefit for attending so I'm going to stay strong and not attend anymore until after my exam is over. Those 4 hours could have been very valuable for studying. But I'm not going to beat myself up. I still exercised and cleaned a bit today so i can stay on top of things. I was going to study this morning but I ended up just preparing my stuff so I can travel to my girlfriend's house with the study materials. I'll study for about 3 or 4 hours tomorrow.

[BooksandTrees]

I didn't study as much as I wanted last night because I watched a hockey game. They lost and I was upset that I "wasted time". I'm going to study tonight and not watch the hockey game this time. I can always watch highlights but I can't always study. I am still 6 weeks ahead of last year with this exam but I need to take advantage of that time available and study properly. 

I ordered my girlfriend a birthday present that I designed and I am excited about it. It's still a month away from now, but I wanted to be prepared for it lol. I think I was just excited for it. I enjoy doing creative things for her and with her. She does the same with me and it's a nice feeling that I will never take for granted after all of these years of being alone.

I exercised today and will have therapy soon. Overall a good day. 

[Jason70]

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I didn't study as much as I wanted last night because I watched a hockey game. They lost and I was upset that I "wasted time". I'm going to study tonight and not watch the hockey game this time. I can always watch highlights but I can't always study.

As you said, you can always go back and watch clips later. There is always time for your favorite downtime activities later. The important things come first! Good luck on the studying!

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I ordered my girlfriend a birthday present that I designed and I am excited about it. It's still a month away from now, but I wanted to be prepared for it lol. I think I was just excited for it. I enjoy doing creative things for her and with her. She does the same with me and it's a nice feeling that I will never take for granted after all of these years of being alone.

That's cute! I am glad you're excited about what you got her! I hope she enjoys it!

Best 

Jason

[BooksandTrees]

20 minutes ago, Jason70 said:

As you said, you can always go back and watch clips later. There is always time for your favorite downtime activities later. The important things come first! Good luck on the studying!

That's cute! I am glad you're excited about what you got her! I hope she enjoys it!

Best 

Jason

Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm feeling a lot better tonight. 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm extremely frustrated today. I started having stomach issues at lunch and was sick all day. I had to cancel seeing my girlfriend tonight and that angers me although she understands and wished me better. I can't eat, which has been my stress crutch lately, and I don't have any way to deal with stress at the moment. I don't enjoy porn anymore and I hate video games. I guess I'm happy I've reached this point, but maybe I can listen to music or something. I'd lift weights but I have no energy after being sick. 

I tried watching hockey but my team is horrible and we got scored on when I watched. I turned it off and we scored a goal. It's a sign to not watch the games. 

I'll listen to some heavy music and study or something. I don't know.

Edited March 19, 2021 by BooksandTrees

[Jason70]

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, and that you missed out on seeing your girlfriend and eating, I hope you feel better. When I am sick I will usually lay in my bed, have some tea (if my stomach isn't killing me, in that case just very slowly sip water) and I rest and sometimes read. It sucks not getting anything done but when you're sick what are you going to do? 

Which hockey team do you support?  I love the Lightning! But as you said, its best to stay away from something if its just going to fuel anger. 

Best 

Jason

Edited March 19, 2021 by Jason70

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Jason70 said:

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, and that you missed out on seeing your girlfriend and eating, I hope you feel better. When I am sick I will usually lay in my bed, have some tea (if my stomach isn't killing me, in that case just very slowly sip water) and I rest and sometimes read. It sucks not getting anything done but when you're sick what are you going to do? 

Which hockey team do you support?  I love the Lightning! But as you said, its best to stay away from something if its just going to fuel anger. 

Best 

Jason

I did the same tonight. I just laid in bed and had some water. My girlfriend cheered me up and I feel a lot better. She's so incredible. Congrats on the cup win. I'm a Bruins fan. You guys have our number. Yzerman really built a great team down there. I was happy you guys finally won a cup. Also happy you got rid of Paquette lol. I didn't like him.

[BooksandTrees]

Today I'm 125 weeks free from gaming. I've got a great weekend planned and hope to study a bit as well. I didn't study as much as I'd have liked last week but I did keep up with exercise and other things.

Work is beginning to frustrate me and demotivate me greatly. I'm probably just in a wave right now. We'll see. I don't want to talk about it really. I'm just writing it down for my own sake. 

[BooksandTrees]

I had an unproductive day today because I once again thought about studying during the day and the tasks for work and got overwhelmed. I will stop doing that. I'm on the home stretch here and can finish a big portion of studying this weekend. I have to be patient and calm with myself. Therapy was good today and I am very excited to see my girlfriend tomorrow.  I'm always extremely grateful to be able to say that after my decades of struggling romantically. Things aren't so bad as they seem when I panic. I just get upset if I miss a day of studying or something. I've got this.

[BooksandTrees]

I'm facing extreme anxiety over this exam again. The smartest person I know said they studied for 6 months straight 1-2 hours a day. I didn't have that method and I already failed last fall even though I barely failed. I just feel so underprepared. I've been studying for a little over a month now and I'm making great progress overall. I just can't put this fear of failure behind me. I hate that my profession requires this. It angers me so much. I'm so far out of school and just so tired of this.

I keep taking naps during the day, not sleeping and more. I've decided to exercise instead of take naps because it's hurting my sleep. I also think it will help clear my mind and restlessness brought on by anxiety.

I also wanted to mention that I've had video game cravings for the first time in a year or so. I was craving RuneScape because of its amount of effort required to max out a skill and be efficient. I have not relapsed obviously, but I did some introspection and discovered that the reason I craved RuneScape was not because I wanted to play it, but because I had an emotional response to the stress I'm enduring from my exam preparation. Emotional trauma and stress can be a memory in all of us. We can remember something from decades ago and it can feel fresh in our minds. I used to try to be very efficient and max my accounts on RuneScape and it really stressed me out. This is similar to studying. So I do not actually crave RuneScape. My mind just remembers how I felt during that period and it placed me in a similar spot. How I deal with this stress will be telling of my outcome.

I choose to exercise and solve problems instead of gaming or anything like that. I think it's a subtle reminder to keep going. I also wanted to share this with people because some of you might have similar stress relationships with gaming and don't actually crave the game. So when you relapse you feel absolutely horrible about it because you didn't want the game in the first place. You just remembered what it was like to have the stress of gaming and it felt familiar to you. Now it's time to go down a different path with that stress and come out on top.

Hope this helped people be introspective and patient.

[Jason70]

Wishing you the best for the exam. Something commonly said in psychology, is if you believe you'll fail you'll most likely fail. Not sure how true this is, most likely isn't because I have seen some real confident people believe that they'll make their dream and yet they fail the first couple of times. However, that saying relates to the point I am going to make. Worrying or stressing over any exam, no matter how big it is doesn't benefit you in the long run. I feel that your stress and your emotional trauma from failing last time is aiding your feeling of unpreparedness. Comparing yourself to other people who are doing more than you can also cause this. I'd say remind yourself that you are going at a good pace, that you have made good progress (as you did in this journal), I think doing this will help ease some of that stress.

8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Emotional trauma and stress can be a memory in all of us. We can remember something from decades ago and it can feel fresh in our minds. I used to try to be very efficient and max my accounts on RuneScape and it really stressed me out. This is similar to studying. So I do not actually crave RuneScape. My mind just remembers how I felt during that period and it placed me in a similar spot. How I deal with this stress will be telling of my outcome

This makes me think there is something deeper to playing with my hair than just anxiety, going to explore more. Thanks for this!

Wishing you the best 

Jason

[BooksandTrees]

On 3/24/2021 at 8:28 PM, Jason70 said:

Wishing you the best for the exam. Something commonly said in psychology, is if you believe you'll fail you'll most likely fail. Not sure how true this is, most likely isn't because I have seen some real confident people believe that they'll make their dream and yet they fail the first couple of times. However, that saying relates to the point I am going to make. Worrying or stressing over any exam, no matter how big it is doesn't benefit you in the long run. I feel that your stress and your emotional trauma from failing last time is aiding your feeling of unpreparedness. Comparing yourself to other people who are doing more than you can also cause this. I'd say remind yourself that you are going at a good pace, that you have made good progress (as you did in this journal), I think doing this will help ease some of that stress.

This makes me think there is something deeper to playing with my hair than just anxiety, going to explore more. Thanks for this!

Wishing you the best 

Jason

Thank you. Let me know how your reflection on hair pulling goes. 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm very disappointed in my diet the past half year. I snack too much and can't say no to sweets. I've got to get this under control. 

I also want to be more productive at work but it's a struggle with exam burnout. 

I'm extremely grateful for my girlfriend and thank God for her every day. 

[Ikar]

On 3/26/2021 at 5:48 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm very disappointed in my diet the past half year. I snack too much and can't say no to sweets. I've got to get this under control. 

I also want to be more productive at work but it's a struggle with exam burnout. 

I'm extremely grateful for my girlfriend and thank God for her every day. 

I've put myself under quite some pressure recently too with working on my degree, having a part-time job and researching personal finance all at the same time. I'm very grateful that the Spanish girl is around. It really is a great help to have someone reach out to you during trying times. I have troubles expressing myself to others when I feel off, mainly due to my gaming past when I basically told nothing to nobody if something went bad. Regardless, I don't even think it has to be a boyfriend/girlfriend, just someone who is interested in being around us for a longer time.

[BooksandTrees]

This past weekend I hit 126 weeks free from gaming. I studied a lot and had a great weekend with my girlfriend. It was very restorative and helpful for me. I am very grateful for her.

Today I had a good half of the work day but lost steam after lunch. I rebounded by avoiding the urge to eat ice cream, I did my workouts, had a healthy dinner, bathed, and then studied for 2 hours. I'm doing much better than last year with studying. I'm almost done with the second half of studying nearly 1 month from the test. Last year I finished 1 day before the test. I'm very proud of myself although I've been stressed on and off. I think I'll be ready for that test this time. I learned a lot tonight and this weekend and am getting much better at this. 

I plan on being a little more productive at work tomorrow and continue this streak. I'll be more active in the community starting in the month of May. I've been so busy this year and I haven't had time. After my exam I'll be more helpful to people recovering from gaming addiction. I hope you've been doing well and sorry for not being more active. I had to focus on myself this time for a bit and I think all of us need to do this at certain points to reach our goals. We talk about our goals on this website so much. When the time comes to work on our goals we must act and we must ensure a strong effort.

[BooksandTrees]

I've been having some stress tonight and the past few months from this test and work. I ran out of certain food tonight and had some granola bars with coconut and pumpkin seeds remaining. I was nervous about eating them because I wasn't sure if I was allergic. I ate one bar and nothing happened and it tasted good, so I had another. About 10 minutes later I had severe heartburn beyond belief. It has been about 25 minutes now and I know I'm allergic to something in it. I took acid reflux pills and allergic meds. It hurts so badly. I'm utterly miserable right now. It is awful.

I'm so mad at myself. I should have thrown them away when my mom gave them to me last fall. 

[Amphibian220]

Are you within your dietary plan at the moment, or was this broken due to stress?

[BooksandTrees]

25 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Are you within your dietary plan at the moment, or was this broken due to stress?

It's actually a healthy food. I'm just allergic to an ingredient. I've been back on my healthy diet the past 2 weeks and lost 3 lbs.

[WorkInProgress]

Hope this reaction went down fast. It sucks if you can't eat things you like. Especially if you don't have anything other in the house at the moment.

[BooksandTrees]

I hit 127 weeks without gaming this weekend. I have been extremely busy and haven't had time to really write in here. That will change in a month though so I'm looking forward to that. Had a bad day today but dealt with the stress well and will rebound tomorrow. I had tremendous support from my girlfriend and resolved some issues with people bothering me. 

[Amphibian220]

Man, you sound altogether different (past 5 or so posts). Much more upbeat. Wishing you to get well, but do put all the necessary work to get healthier over time. You need to research more what will give you mental toughness.

P. S. You’ve reminded of my wife’s upcoming birthday.

Edited April 7, 2021 by Amphibian220

[BooksandTrees]

I hit 128 weeks last weekend. I'm pretty stressed by this exam. I got very depressed about it last week and some other stuff but I rebounded. I also went on a higher dose of my antidepressant. I was on the lowest dosage for 6 months but figured I needed to go higher for a couple months.

My girlfriend and family have been very supportive. I'm extremely grateful for her and her love and support. I used to be afraid of having a girlfriend ruining the exam for me, but she has helped tenfold.  

I have about 9 days until the exam and I've never been more ready. I'm going to do 3 more practice exams between now and then and see where it gets me. I really want to pass. I also asked my boss for more interesting work because I've been bored lately.

Once this test is over with I will go back to posting on here more often and doing animation and drumming. Sorry again for not being here to help others the past 2 months. I just wanted to dedicate my time to this and getting better. 

I've also been working out 4 days per week and have gotten considerably stronger. I really enjoy this feeling and will start to modify my diet a bit more after the test.

Stay strong everyone.

In response to @Amphibian220 above: I have found that consistent sleep, getting out of my house, getting my work done instead of procrastinating, being with my girlfriend, taking care of hygiene, and exercise has really been a major factor in gaining mental toughness.

[Ikar]

15 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

My girlfriend and family have been very supportive. I'm extremely grateful for her and her love and support. I used to be afraid of having a girlfriend ruining the exam for me, but she has helped tenfold.  

I have about 9 days until the exam and I've never been more ready. I'm going to do 3 more practice exams between now and then and see where it gets me. I really want to pass. I also asked my boss for more interesting work because I've been bored lately.

Once this test is over with I will go back to posting on here more often and doing animation and drumming. Sorry again for not being here to help others the past 2 months. I just wanted to dedicate my time to this and getting better. 

I've also been working out 4 days per week and have gotten considerably stronger. I really enjoy this feeling and will start to modify my diet a bit more after the test.

I've found this to be true with my bachelor thesis/finals too. It's human nature to prioritize things that are important to us, no matter the reason. The more things we have going on in our lives, the less likely we are to get obsessed by any single one of them to our detriment. It doesn't mean that the things won't be a bore from time to time, but we have other things to turn to if one of them goes to hell. Diversification is not only a financial concept!