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BooksandTrees
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On 12/15/2020 at 11:57 PM, Pochatok said:

I think that is a very goof intention, but please be careful! At times, the pain may be too much for your brain/body to manage, even if you might think or feel otherwise. Excessive pain can be traumatizing- I developed a phobia for knives by not treating my wound from the cut properly. If you are having any urges to "escape", don't ignore them completely; when I feel like watching porn, I instead go read a book or a comic. That helps me lower stress without quitting the reality completely. Take care of yourself!

Have you ever read "Untamed"? I suggest you check it out, just for fun 🙂

Po

Comics are a big trigger for me since most of the females drawn in comics have strong bodies, huge boobs, and a beautiful face. I have to do more boring things lol.

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@Ikarthings are going well with her. I am trying to be patient. Sometimes I really want to meet or go further, but can't because of the virus. So I have to be patient with 1-2 virtual dates per week and texting each day. I just get excited and want to meet her is all. I feel she's very special. But then again I don't want to put her on such a high pedestal that it's all I think about. So I try to go about my day as normal and not think until I get a message.

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9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Comics are a big trigger for me since most of the females drawn in comics have strong bodies, huge boobs, and a beautiful face. I have to do more boring things lol.

Hmmm there are just a few comics I could share with you(DM me if you'd like) that do not have booby-booty stuff, but are still an incredibly fun read 🙂

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I was going to ask to what extent it was a conscious decision on your part to become the project manager in your organization. You seem to have gained a more sustained level of proficiency over the months. This means that you can do your current role with less stress and greater clarity. Is this last point true or false?

 

The second question was going to be if this qualification that you are undertaking is affording you broader knowledge and transferable skills in your profession.

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14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Comics are a big trigger for me since most of the females drawn in comics have strong bodies, huge boobs, and a beautiful face. I have to do more boring things lol.

That's the obsession with youth & beauty in today's world. Through porn actresses, through comics to a 25-year old in a TV ad featuring the newest anti-wrinkle solution (as if she needed one at that age anyway). "Real world" women might not be as staggeringly beautiful, but they are actually what we can choose from, plus they can treat us nicely.

14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I have my 4th video date with this girl tomorrow evening. I'm very excited. She's been quite a discovery for me. She is so intuitive and introspective. She asks me all the right questions and just has this passion in her eyes that is so genuine. She speaks from the heart in a logical way and I just find it so attractive. I really hope this continues to go well.

 

14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

@Ikarthings are going well with her. I am trying to be patient. Sometimes I really want to meet or go further, but can't because of the virus. So I have to be patient with 1-2 virtual dates per week and texting each day. I just get excited and want to meet her is all. I feel she's very special. But then again I don't want to put her on such a high pedestal that it's all I think about. So I try to go about my day as normal and not think until I get a message.

Do you have a plan to meet her in person? I think it's not a question if  you want meet her, but when do you want to meet her. You can set this up smartly (say, no contact for both of you with other people for 7-10-14 days before you two meet for a normal date) to counter the CV threat.

I think the longer this "online+texting" phase continues, the more you are going to put her on pedestal. I don't think it's possible to "think" yourself out of it, unless you have other women around you whom you could date.

Good luck!

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14 hours ago, Ikar said:

That's the obsession with youth & beauty in today's world. Through porn actresses, through comics to a 25-year old in a TV ad featuring the newest anti-wrinkle solution (as if she needed one at that age anyway). "Real world" women might not be as staggeringly beautiful, but they are actually what we can choose from, plus they can treat us nicely.

 

Do you have a plan to meet her in person? I think it's not a question if  you want meet her, but when do you want to meet her. You can set this up smartly (say, no contact for both of you with other people for 7-10-14 days before you two meet for a normal date) to counter the CV threat.

I think the longer this "online+texting" phase continues, the more you are going to put her on pedestal. I don't think it's possible to "think" yourself out of it, unless you have other women around you whom you could date.

Good luck!

We plan on meeting. It's just not safe right now in the United States. People here are morons and spreading it like crazy. I'm not about to get covid. But I agree with you.

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Had my 4th video date tonight. I really enjoyed it. She's so engaging during conversation and it's a real delight to go back and forth with jokes and deep conversation. There's such a great blend that it keeps things fresh for the entire date. I had fun.

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16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Had my 4th video date tonight. I really enjoyed it. She's so engaging during conversation and it's a real delight to go back and forth with jokes and deep conversation. There's such a great blend that it keeps things fresh for the entire date. I had fun.

That's amazing 🙂

I think you are doing very well.

Edited by Mohammad
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Today I'm 113 weeks free from gaming and 115 weeks free from social media. I had a very productive day today. I vacuumed and mopped my whole apartment as well as cleaned the surfaces and bathrooms etc. I also took out a ton of trash, cleaned dishes, did laundry loads, shredded mail, and threw away some crap I didn't want anymore. It feels really good to clean things. I don't like a lot of clutter around me as it makes me feel confined and trapped. 

I found some beginner drum lessons on YouTube to try out for my drum kit. I'll be doing that soon. I also found some stuff I wanted to 3D animate so I'll be doing that tomorrow for a little bit. I'm going to be slow with this and not try to rush anything crazy. I allowed myself to sleep a ton this week and I feel recharged finally. So I'll be exercising now, doing a little bit of hobbies here and there, then I'll be relaxing. This whole year is going to be about balance for mental clarity. I want to see if I can avoid burnout. That would be great.

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I decided not to text that girl today because I noticed I was initiating most of the conversations over the past week. I'll let her message me next and if she doesn't message within 5 days I'll end communication. I want someone who wants me. This is just a test to see what happens. 

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I decided not to text that girl today because I noticed I was initiating most of the conversations over the past week. I'll let her message me next and if she doesn't message within 5 days I'll end communication. I want someone who wants me. This is just a test to see what happens. 

Good observation. I'm also struggling with trying to chat/chatting over the Internet with women over the Internet, but then I remember that if I have a conceivable sexual thought regarding her, I try to keep it to a minimum; just asking what's up and whether she is going to be around in X or at Y. Chatting should be used in a clear and concise manner, not for conversations that drag for days and end nowhere and in nothing.

I do not think you are being congruent with your plan though. You wrote her daily (or multiple times a day from the way you phrased the sentence?). Then you set some covert condition that she has to fulfill, otherwise she won't hear from you anymore. The reason you set that plan up was because you were unhappy about your own actions, not because she did you wrong, so she won't have a clue as to why you suddenly stopped writing her.

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6 hours ago, Ikar said:

Good observation. I'm also struggling with trying to chat/chatting over the Internet with women over the Internet, but then I remember that if I have a conceivable sexual thought regarding her, I try to keep it to a minimum; just asking what's up and whether she is going to be around in X or at Y. Chatting should be used in a clear and concise manner, not for conversations that drag for days and end nowhere and in nothing.

I do not think you are being congruent with your plan though. You wrote her daily (or multiple times a day from the way you phrased the sentence?). Then you set some covert condition that she has to fulfill, otherwise she won't hear from you anymore. The reason you set that plan up was because you were unhappy about your own actions, not because she did you wrong, so she won't have a clue as to why you suddenly stopped writing her.

Right, but I think I need to do this. I don't want her expecting me to message her every day. It's going to make her feel privileged. Although she's been nice to me, she doesn't deserve that right now. People like her are very beautiful and always getting attention. I don't want her expecting my attention. I want her to work for my attention. After all, I'm very desirable and should be chased as well. 

I don't want to set the standard that I always message her. I want her wondering if I'll message her. I want to create uncertainty. Could I not be interested? 

She's also a very ambitious person and ambitious people want what they can't have or don't have already to an extent. If I make this too easy and predictable then she'll lose interest. I also don't want to be the only person chasing. That's for Simps and people with no self value. Although she's great, I'm a much more valuable person right now and I want people to know it.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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@BooksandTrees, From what I can see, you are reigning in your actions because you don’t want to appear too nice. I think this is right and is coming from your habit of reviewing your actions and being self accountable.

I think a big part of being a man is knowing that something (a promotion or a wedding) is coming your way and not worrying over a mishap. That allows not to concentrate on it too much and stress out but instead work on solving the issues and enjoy the rewards.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Right, but I think I need to do this. I don't want her expecting me to message her every day. It's going to make her feel privileged. Although she's been nice to me, she doesn't deserve that right now. People like her are very beautiful and always getting attention. I don't want her expecting my attention. I want her to work for my attention. After all, I'm very desirable and should be chased as well. 

I don't want to set the standard that I always message her. I want her wondering if I'll message her. I want to create uncertainty. Could I not be interested? 

She's also a very ambitious person and ambitious people want what they can't have or don't have already to an extent. If I make this too easy and predictable then she'll lose interest. I also don't want to be the only person chasing. That's for Simps and people with no self value. Although she's great, I'm a much more valuable person right now and I want people to know it.

I agree with your reasoning in the first two paragraphs; even if she doesn't write back, you have the experience and the opportunity to text less the next time. I think you are trying for a change of the dynamic in a good direction, though I got the impression that it was abrupt. We'll see whether she's onboard or not soon.

14 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

@BooksandTrees, From what I can see, you are reigning in your actions because you don’t want to appear too nice. I think this is right and is coming from your habit of reviewing your actions and being self accountable.

I think a big part of being a man is knowing that something (a promotion or a wedding) is coming your way and not worrying over a mishap. That allows not to concentrate on it too much and stress out but instead work on solving the issues and enjoy the rewards.

I think it always comes back to the mindset of having options in any area of life, whether it is regarding my job, friends or romantic relationships, internally knowing that and acting from the position of power based on that. I desperately hinged on gaming (and later on my X), because I believed there were no other options. I was wrong.

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Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. I just see myself having to start the conversation almost 10 days in a row and I've scheduled all 4 dates as well as initiated exchanging numbers. I have had women start the conversation every day. I want some balance where we both take turns. I don't want her getting on a pedestal etc.

There's a movie called "Overboard" with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell that shows an interesting dynamic where Goldie was very rich and got attention all of the time. She gets amnesia and meets Kurt and they have a normal relationship where they both are poor/lower class people and have to take turns working for things. She likes that a lot better. I agreed with it as well. It made sense to me.

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I was wondering how long have you been in contact with her? I think you should have met each other earlier. What's your opinion on this? I know that you have Covid-19 concerns, but isn't that too long of a wait?

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Hi, I’ve been dating a girl throughout covid too, we met up once just after the first UK lockdown and grabbed a few drinks and some food, but then decided it felt safer to meet virtually, so we have been having skype dates since then and it’s been cool. I think I am glad we met at least once, because often our perceptions of people are different in person, and now we know there is definitely a connection there and the continued dating virtually isn’t going to (hopefully) be a waste of time. But I totally get your girls hesitation too, it’s a scary time right now. 
 

I can relate to the holding back on your initiating the conversations too, I do this as well. I have a general unspoken rule in friendships and relationships that online chit chat goes both ways, if I was the last to respond I generally won’t message again until they do. It’s a general rule and of course I don’t stick to it 100%, but I find if I feel like I’m making all the effort I start to wonder if they’re really that invested in the relationship/friendship. Equally if they message me all the time and always initiate I start to worry they might be a bit too clingy for me. I think it’s good that you’re putting some unspoken boundaries out there, I hope it works out well for you 🙂 

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18 minutes ago, Bugg said:

Hi, I’ve been dating a girl throughout covid too, we met up once just after the first UK lockdown and grabbed a few drinks and some food, but then decided it felt safer to meet virtually, so we have been having skype dates since then and it’s been cool. I think I am glad we met at least once, because often our perceptions of people are different in person, and now we know there is definitely a connection there and the continued dating virtually isn’t going to (hopefully) be a waste of time. But I totally get your girls hesitation too, it’s a scary time right now. 
 

I can relate to the holding back on your initiating the conversations too, I do this as well. I have a general unspoken rule in friendships and relationships that online chit chat goes both ways, if I was the last to respond I generally won’t message again until they do. It’s a general rule and of course I don’t stick to it 100%, but I find if I feel like I’m making all the effort I start to wonder if they’re really that invested in the relationship/friendship. Equally if they message me all the time and always initiate I start to worry they might be a bit too clingy for me. I think it’s good that you’re putting some unspoken boundaries out there, I hope it works out well for you 🙂 

I agree. I think that we need things to be equal and I have cut out a lot of friends from my life for that very reason. If I'm putting too much into it I won't message you.

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8 hours ago, Mohammad said:

I was wondering how long have you been in contact with her? I think you should have met each other earlier. What's your opinion on this? I know that you have Covid-19 concerns, but isn't that too long of a wait?

 

8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I asked her to meet and she was hesitant because of the virus so I don't see any issue there. Gotta respect health first.

 

5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

She unmatched with me on the site about 1 hour ago and said nothing. See, I'm glad I didn't keep trying. I didn't message her for 3 days after I initiated contact for a week straight.

 

7 hours ago, Bugg said:

Hi, I’ve been dating a girl throughout covid too, we met up once just after the first UK lockdown and grabbed a few drinks and some food, but then decided it felt safer to meet virtually, so we have been having skype dates since then and it’s been cool. I think I am glad we met at least once, because often our perceptions of people are different in person, and now we know there is definitely a connection there and the continued dating virtually isn’t going to (hopefully) be a waste of time. But I totally get your girls hesitation too, it’s a scary time right now.

@BooksandTrees I guess that's the pitfall of online dating, a lot of the people are there primarily for the attention. I call bullshit. I do not think she wanted to meet and just used CV as an excuse. I think it was even a bad excuse in your case, since you are so hardcore on isolation. My point is that online dating is meant to lead to sexual situations and if she isn't onboard with all the "current" risks (CV's been around for 9 months?), then she had plenty of time to get off of dating apps if she doesn't think it's safe. Good for you that you got rid of her.

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Thanks for the support. I actually found out she deleted her dating profile. I blocked her number anyways. I didn't find out from her. I did research based on the app and the information shown. Basically, she said she loved talking to me and was just bored looking for attention. I caught on to it and didn't message her for 3 days because I didn't want to waste time and she never responded. I caught on.

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I'm just gonna be honest with people here. I'm really fucking pissed off beyond words. I don't really know how to conceive my thoughts and translate them onto this stupid fucking diary. I'm a hate-filled tyrant of my own monopoly. I think most people in my life are fucking useless and a waste of space. I could give a fuck less about them. 

Sometimes I think I played video games just to escape my own brooding thoughts of hatred and pain. I think that's truthful. I'm tired. My family abused and neglected me growing up. I never had friends until college. Most of my college friends are just shut-in fucking introverted gamers who don't know how to reach out to people unless facebook says it's their birthday or they get an invite to something. Everyone else just keeps to themselves. 

Covid is an interesting world. I rarely leave my home. I feel no different than before the virus. My whole social life is work. I enjoy them at least.

Nobody understands me at all. Nobody ever has. I was tortured as a child. Absolutely tortured. The only thing that kept me alive was thinking about my hatred towards those who abused me. It gave me the strength to keep pushing through. No matter how much therapy I attend or hobbies I pick up, I'll never escape the torment that covers me like a wet blanket on a freezing night.

Everyone I meet lets me down. It's disappointing. It's even worse when I let myself down. I enjoy sitting in my living room and doing nothing because I've given up. I hate that I only rely on anger and hate to push me forward. I have not been happy in years. I remember sometimes as a child I'd wake up with pure happiness. Like I looked forward to the day because I could play with my toys, or maybe see my only friend. If I don't have to wake up for work, I don't wake up. I just sit there in my bed and keep sleeping.

I love my dreams. My dreams are filled with magic and wonder. I have friends in my dreams. I go on adventures in my dreams. I see the world in my dreams. I never stop dreaming. I purposely go back to sleep multiple times each day so I can escape life and just see something truly beautiful.

Maybe I should just write my dreams down.

Sometimes I think the only thing that understands my thoughts are certain songs. I wish I had something to pour my hatred into. Maybe I'll create a way to do it. Fuck the useless. Fuck them all.

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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