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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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I had another productive day at work by solving more problems and making progress on other tasks. I'm getting to be in a good spot. 

I had a good therapy session as well and uncovered some anger issues. My drum set comes in 1 week now. I can't wait to play it.

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Today I'm 108 weeks free. I am very tired today. I haven't slept well all week and I honestly slept off and on for about 11 hours today. I'm just gonna do some self care stuff this weekend and just relax and get in a better mood. I was thinking of doing a couple hours of 3d modeling or writing today. Not a lot, just 1-3 hours tops. I feel like I was so burnt out by the end of the week that I ate so poorly. I had ice cream for lunch yesterday. I think it's just my body craving good things. The interesting thing is I wasn't watching a ton of porn or anything this week. I think I was just zoning out and had a major lack of focus.

I'm going to meal prep today to avoid anymore stupid food decisions and just relax.

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Hey BooksandTrees, hope you feel more energized tomorrow! This week has been a lot for me too. About relationships: even though you want to remain single for some time, I encourage you to think about this: Sometimes, you learn how to love yourself by learning how to love others. I don't necessarily mean a romantic relationship- any relationship can help you improve yourself (and the other people within the relationship) with enough passion and commitment.

I thought about relationships that way too, but that caused me to forget how to love others. I learned to treat myself better by treating the people around me better. 

But, this is just my experience. I do encourage you to continue challenging your own perspective/thoughts on relationship management.

Cheers,

Po

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17 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Hey BooksandTrees, hope you feel more energized tomorrow! This week has been a lot for me too. About relationships: even though you want to remain single for some time, I encourage you to think about this: Sometimes, you learn how to love yourself by learning how to love others. I don't necessarily mean a romantic relationship- any relationship can help you improve yourself (and the other people within the relationship) with enough passion and commitment.

I thought about relationships that way too, but that caused me to forget how to love others. I learned to treat myself better by treating the people around me better. 

But, this is just my experience. I do encourage you to continue challenging your own perspective/thoughts on relationship management.

Cheers,

Po

Thanks. I woke up super early today without an alarm so maybe that's a sign lol. 

Yeah,  I hear you on dating. I just think it's too dangerous in America since we're passing 12 million cases of covid19. I'd like to try and wait a little longer. I had some friends and family acquire it through dating and that got me paranoid. 

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9 hours ago, James Good said:

Good to hear you're still staying strong after so long - I'm impressed at the sheer length of this journal haha. Fun fact, you started it on my birthday 😄

Sounds like you had a productive week, it's only natural that your weekends will be more relaxed. Often times giving ourselves some mental space is the most productive thing we can do.

+1 for self-love, too. I remember reading your journal in the past, it was always a sticking point and I love seeing the shift in energy from now since then. Such a genuinely inspirational journey. The diary should be mandatory reading haha.

Keep it up. Can't wait to hear you bash out some killer solos when the drum kit arrives!

Thanks and welcome back. I don't think anyone would enjoy reading my diary in its entirety lol. I ramble on a lot. I think I have to credit my shift to antidepressants to be honest. I'm not ruminating on bad things anymore. Also helps I enjoy where I live for the most part now. 

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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks. I woke up super early today without an alarm so maybe that's a sign lol. 

Yeah,  I hear you on dating. I just think it's too dangerous in America since we're passing 12 million cases of covid19. I'd like to try and wait a little longer. I had some friends and family acquire it through dating and that got me paranoid. 

Oh hey, totally agree with that, COVID is no fun no matter how well or poorly you take it. Stay safe and stay well 🙂

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I'm annoyed with myself for ruining my sleep schedule. I did it because I was trying a certain masturbation technique that lasts for a few hours and I don't think I like it. I'm just annoyed in general. 4 day weekend just 2 days away at least. 

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Today I'm 109 weeks free from games. I'm still struggling with sleep but I decided to take a few steps. I joined an authentic dating service that avoids trendy dating app methods. I feel more comfortable here and already matched with some more attractive women than on the other apps. I'll remain patient and hopeful this time.

I ordered exercise equipment finally. That comes in the mail in 2-3 weeks. My drums should arrive soon as well. I'm excited for these hobbies to finally take form. I've been a little bored and my mind has been drifting a bit with bingeing shows etc. I think the physical hobbies will be good for me. I'm also hoping it helps me fall asleep and build more confidence overall.

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The moon is tremendously bright tonight. It's lightning up the sky like it's daylight. It's calming and promotes clairvoyance in my mind. 

I've become so consumed by masturbation that it's really bothering me. I have all of these creative ideas in my head for hobbies and stuff. The drums and workout equipment are coming and I frankly can't wait. 

I'm just so frustrated by my obsession with sex. I want to have sex so badly. It's been over 10 years. I'm sexually deprived in so many invisible ways. I'm embarrassed and afraid that I'll meet a woman who will be put off by my lack of expertise. It's my one true insecurity. 

How can I be so confident in almost every aspect of my life yet feel so afraid sexually. It's because I was abused as a teenager and although I've made great progress I just need to get it over with so I can stop worrying. 

I've matched with some very beautiful and kind women on my dating app so far and I'm just going to keep a positive attitude. 

I'm just so tired of porn and masturbation. They consume my thoughts. I have no creative thoughts. I just want to watch porn, sleep, eat, relax. It's so degrading to me. 

What I need is love. I honestly think love will help me. I won't force it though. I just think love and stability is something I desperately need because I struggle when alone. 

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16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today I'm 109 weeks free from games.

This far along and still keeping a daily journal like a boss.

14 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

What I need is love. I honestly think love will help me. I won't force it though. I just think love and stability is something I desperately need because I struggle when alone. 

I hope you can find what you're looking for in love.

Also: "In solitude one is not alone; one is present with oneself."

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm just so frustrated by my obsession with sex. I want to have sex so badly. It's been over 10 years. I'm sexually deprived in so many invisible ways. I'm embarrassed and afraid that I'll meet a woman who will be put off by my lack of expertise. It's my one true insecurity. 

How can I be so confident in almost every aspect of my life yet feel so afraid sexually. It's because I was abused as a teenager and although I've made great progress I just need to get it over with so I can stop worrying. 

I've matched with some very beautiful and kind women on my dating app so far and I'm just going to keep a positive attitude. 

I'm just so tired of porn and masturbation. They consume my thoughts. I have no creative thoughts. I just want to watch porn, sleep, eat, relax. It's so degrading to me. 

What I need is love. I honestly think love will help me. I won't force it though. I just think love and stability is something I desperately need because I struggle when alone. 

Regarding lack of expertise, you can have a witty remark to that comment: "Great, so now I have you to give me a hand!"

I'm not on dating apps and I do not watch porn, but I think both inflate the expectations when it comes to looks. Nobody is going to deliberately put on a bad photo up or employ a hideous actress.

Regardless, If you're able to target your sexual interest, then I believe it is better to target it at the women on the dating app, because there is a chance you might actually date them and have sex with them. You are on a dating app, because you want to specifically show sexual interest anyhow. I target my sexual desire on women I meet and talk to; they might not all be intimidatingly beautiful (and I thank heavens for that), but they are real and I can recognize if they have a heart and can treat me nicely which is vital for any relationship.

I usually have a couple of creative ideas when it comes to going out for a date. I randomly come up with something specific for that girl if I feel there could be some shared future with the girl. I currently have a mixed sexually rewarding/evaluative game in my mind. Once I come up with a cool activity/idea, all I have to do is ask.

I've recently noticed women asking me indirectly for a touch by saying "I am glad you are here (with me) (tonight)." I think acting in any other way than touching signifies "But I am not./I don't care."

I struggle with masturbation as well, but I do not think the solution lies completely in sharing that sexual energy with someone else, though I think it might help. In the end, my sexuality is my problem. The girl might be gone the next morning.

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18 hours ago, Ikar said:

Regarding lack of expertise, you can have a witty remark to that comment: "Great, so now I have you to give me a hand!"

I'm not on dating apps and I do not watch porn, but I think both inflate the expectations when it comes to looks. Nobody is going to deliberately put on a bad photo up or employ a hideous actress.

Regardless, If you're able to target your sexual interest, then I believe it is better to target it at the women on the dating app, because there is a chance you might actually date them and have sex with them. You are on a dating app, because you want to specifically show sexual interest anyhow. I target my sexual desire on women I meet and talk to; they might not all be intimidatingly beautiful (and I thank heavens for that), but they are real and I can recognize if they have a heart and can treat me nicely which is vital for any relationship.

I usually have a couple of creative ideas when it comes to going out for a date. I randomly come up with something specific for that girl if I feel there could be some shared future with the girl. I currently have a mixed sexually rewarding/evaluative game in my mind. Once I come up with a cool activity/idea, all I have to do is ask.

I've recently noticed women asking me indirectly for a touch by saying "I am glad you are here (with me) (tonight)." I think acting in any other way than touching signifies "But I am not./I don't care."

I struggle with masturbation as well, but I do not think the solution lies completely in sharing that sexual energy with someone else, though I think it might help. In the end, my sexuality is my problem. The girl might be gone the next morning.

That's true. I just would like to have some patience and be able to say no to porn and just be hopeful for dates etc. I still think the masturbation is just such a plethora of reasons to it. It's loneliness, sexual desire, tiredness, frustration, anxiety, etc. I think dealing with loneliness will help but also being physically active again will help with some pent up energy dissipation. 

I notice the touch too. If I get a girlfriend I won't be over the top about it, but I will keep a hand on them in private moments and emphasize my emotional connection with them to let them know. I think that's romantic. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I'm having a tremendous amount of anxiety tonight and I really want to spend time masturbating to relieve it. 

I'm not though. I'm trying to understand why I'm anxious. I don't want to ruin my sleep so I'm worried every minute going by is bad. I worry about doing my project tomorrow. I also worry about things not going well with the women I've connected with on my dating site. 

I got one phone number already and close to a second. I feel very positive about these women. They're both my type yet very unique and intelligent. I'm extremely attracted to one of them. I just don't want to blow it. I've never had success with women besides the crazy ones and I'm just so insecure. I try to erase those feelings from my mind when I talk to them and it's working. 

I just want to be that desirable man to them and prove to myself I can find love and that I can meet a beautiful woman and don't have to settle. 

I need to remain calm. If I got this far already I'm logically doing well and can continue. Calm down. I've done everything right so far and learned from previous mistakes. This is mor proof that if I mess up I'll learn from it.

I don't need to masturbate tonight. I can go a whole day without it. I am strong. I am worth it. I love myself and I'm proud of myself. I thank God for the opportunity to even interact with these women and I will continue to seize opportunities I'm given instead of sulking and beating myself up. I'm very fortunate to be talking to such beautiful women this time around and I'm ready to keep going. 

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I did it. I stopped doing stuff at 10 pm tonight and can now relax before bed. My goal tomorrow is to wake up and eat breakfast and relax before turning my computer on. I've been turning my computer on after waking up and getting stressed out right away. It's impacting my day and my health.

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I woke up today and ate breakfast and relaxed before starting work. I felt better, but I am frozen with anxiety regarding my project at work. It's really stressing me out to the point I can't even start it. I hate these projects and want to avoid it at all costs. I've got to get over it. Hiding is only causing more anxiety. If I just finish the assignment I'll be good. 

I'm anxious because of fear. I'm afraid of messing this project up. But why? It's not due for 2 weeks and I'm almost done. My calculations show I already got it correct and nothing is wrong. I just have to summarize the results. 

I think it's the fact that I don't enjoy writing reports and summarizing my findings. It's very boring and takes a long time. My mind knows it will take a while and that it's not interesting. It's ok. 

Let's look at the positive parts. I get paid to write it. Once I write it I can work on a more exciting project. Once I finish it I won't stress about it. I'll be thanked. Let's breathe and take our time and just get it over with. Anxiety medication won't magically make me do it. Just gotta dig in.

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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think it's the fact that I don't enjoy writing reports and summarizing my findings. It's very boring and takes a long time. My mind knows it will take a while and that it's not interesting. It's ok. 

 

Many of friends hated documentation too. I on the other hand like writing documentation. In some classes, I would do their documentation work, and in exchange, they would help me with other projects. Maybe one of your professional allies at your company likes documentation and would be happy to do it for you? Maybe there's a junior employee you could delegate this to in exchange for advice over lunch? Most people delegate the report writing parts of their jobs to freelancers anyways but if you can get it done without paying for it, that's a super bonus.

Edited by Bird By Bird
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After writing in the journal entry this morning I was able to gain some steam and actually had a very productive day. It was my best day in weeks to be honest. I felt great and just kept rolling with it. I've officially caught up and am not stressed out anymore. I'm almost done with the report as well. I can't believe how productive today was. 

It goes to show that if you support yourself with a good schedule and allow yourself to problem solve the situation you'll be successful.

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It is great you are using night for rest now. So many people do stimulating activities at night that they don’t get to rest properly. I will try to incorporate this useful tip too.

Get this into a habit and your strength and self awareness will grow in the coming weeks.

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I'm pretty bummed out today. I didn't wake up well. I hit snooze too much. I stayed up too late last night working. I tried to work today and just hit a wall. I got a lot of stuff done on other projects but not my main one. I just felt distracted. I tried napping a few times and couldn't. I feel so embarrassed as well. I just think I'm doing something wrong with women. I must be a specific person or something.

I told someone off who pissed me off as well. It was outside of work and just with a group of people I talk to. Other people started harping on the person as well. I am guessing he rubs everyone the wrong way and I was the only one willing to call them out. People are pussies most of the time.

I'm gonna try working a little this weekend to make up for today. I have a virtual date planned today but I don't think anything will come of it. I don't think I appeal to modern women. Older women in their 40s flirt with me more than women in their 20s. There's such a disconnect. It bothers me. I'm gonna keep trying though. I can't just keep hiding.

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18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

People are pussies most of the time.

I laughed really hard at this. I don't think I was expecting that 😄

Keep on that dating grind. It's hard to say if it's you or them. It's all about the match. 

And since you reminded me, I'll stop being a pussy myself and get on my dating apps after my post. Thanks.

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Sorry about the day you had. For the dating, like @DaBest said, keep going, it is weird, but eventually you'll find a match, where both of you are happy. Power through Books & Trees, you got this!

Best 

Jason

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