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Pochatok

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Everything posted by Pochatok

  1. Day 15! Simply wanted to journal because I am going through a high amount of stress and this is a helpful activity. Journaling I've had an incredibly joyful Monday- met up with a friend and my high school ex to play some board games. I have not seen them in over 1.5 years, and it was incredibly good in so many ways to just spend some time with them again. And it feels good to feel comfortable around my ex; hope she feels comortable around me too. Tuesday was a bit more difficult- I've had a lot of anxiety about not sticking to my to-do list and doing other things instead. This prevented me from being very effective, and from enjoying certain activities. However, I did get quite a bit of good things done, and watched a really interesting movie with my Family (American Beauty). Today has been okay! I nearly relapsed with porn, and was a bit more distracted by social media than usual, but have gotten a lot of things done. I'm looking forward to some more personal acitivities in the 2nd half of the day, and hope that I'll be able to get enough of the more urgent things done, too. My biggest worries: not getting smaller, personal things done on time like making presents for my partner (same as last week) being too tired to stay self-aware and relapsing with porn or just wasting time in other ways spilling out anger/frustration/agression on my family members My biggest goodies: I am being more relaxed with my schedule- not super on top of everything, but getting the right things done, on time I am practicing trombone regularly! though there isn't really a good reason to, I just enjoy it, and it will give me some goodies later on; it is important The weather is much nicer, and that impacts my motivation greatly- I want to rest less, and work more (even when I am outside in the sun) That's all I have at the moment. Thank you very much for reading, you are awesome! Po
  2. Doing well! Day 12, I guess? Journaling The last few days have been a large improvement in minimizing all of my bad habits: I stopped checking twitter every day in the morning, watching Youtube for 30+ minutes per day, scratching my head and face, and have overall been more proactive. Definitely feeling better- I think these things were numbing my loneliness (which is hitting up now, bleurgh). Fortunately, I am hanging out with friends tomorrow, and a week from then my sister, and then my partner, are both coming home. Yay yay! Can't wait to play board games with everyone and watch stupid movies and all that. Working has been good- I've got to do some Art-related things, both for recognition and for $$$, and overall there is a lot of variety amongst my tasks. I really want the in-person jobs to start sooner though, I've been doing things online for way too long. My biggest worries: not getting smaller, personal things done on time like making presents for my partner. getting more sad and facing all the drawbacks from that. my hangouts getting cancelled! My biggest goodies: I am on top of my schedule. Even when I do not get everything done, the day goes by quickly but memorably. I have been gettinng up felling not very sad or angry! I can actually think of a few things to look forward to as soon as I wake up. Summer is coming to an end, and this has been one of my overall happier summers! Thinking of it right now does not make me happy lol, but it certainly will once it's officially over! That's all for now, thank you so much for reading! Have an awesome weeeeeek Po
  3. Glad you're getting back on the path so quickly! Good luck, uni can be stressful at first.
  4. Woah, congrats on getting this far! Super happy that you're able to close this chapter! Looking forward to hearing more from you in the future, and good luck with everything else that will be coming into your life 🙂
  5. Today was pretty fine- I was super productive, and got most of the stuff on my to-do list done. Yet, I am not feeling happy at all. For some reason, there is a build up of anxiety and frustration that I am sensing; I wish I could tell where this is coming from. My current attempts to fix this include: Watching lots of relaxing youtube videos. Being more productive Not doing anything while eating Doing things while eating Drinking lots of water Not exercising much like I would usually Not talking to my partner all that much Not spending a lot of time resting on my own/meditating Welp, I think I can tell what's wrong with my coping methods lol. Gonna try to focus on consistency and better habits tomorrow. What has helped a lot today was listening to some older, more experienced people share their wisdom. Gonna start taking notes on those vids tomorrow heh, no point in keeping it all inmy head cuz I'm forgetful. Some of the things I learned: Pay attention to the process, but have a clear endgoal in mind- why am I doing what I am doing. Without purpose, the process falls apart. If I am not feeling well, then I must try extra hard to not fall into bad habits, since they make me feel worse in the long run and only worsen the problem. Journal, journal, journal! Allow myself time and space whenever possible- even if I cannot actually document my thoughts, time for stillness is key. Be a rolemodel even when no one is watching, because all I do is interconnected- a truly good rolemodel does things well when noone is looking. Start my grind with the thing I am the least excited about- or otherwise I will never get it done. It is easy to find time for things I enjoy. When unsure why I am doing something, or having difficulty focusing, stop and rethink the purpose of the activity. Don't think about what my bad habits are bad, but what my life would look like without them; build purpose around the bad habit by imagining a better future. Keep this going! It is important to recap what I learn every day, even if it is very little. Thank you 🙂 Po
  6. Brief thought: I have an annoying tendency to make mistakes when I do not need too so I can simply "feel through" the outcome. When it comes to gaming, I often think "playing games again will not make me feel any better", but then I proceed to play anyways simply so I can prove myself right (and I do, bah). There are many other areas of my life where I fail just so I can push myself through it and "learn" from it, when I can simply avoid the failure in the first place. I am not exactly sure where and why this is coming from, but this thought has been looming over my head all day today.
  7. Journal Entry! Starting over no games counter, just for fun: Day 2 Reflection on games: Have decided to uninstall the game yesterday morning. I feel like I only experience positive feelings from playing if I play once every, uhhh... 5-6 months? I might play again sometime in the future, perhaps during Winter Break, but until then I do not feel like this is a good way to spend my time. Playing just for ten minutes yesterday, I did not experience excitement, but rather stress as I was trying to progress through the game. Sure, there were some interesting, fun parts, but it did not feel meaningful. I do not like to play games that ask me for a lot of time. I like games where I can feel joy and excitement right away, without having to put in "work". Minecraft is probably one of those games, for its amazing terrain generation, but I don't feel like installing it lol. Reflection on my current state of mind: This is the reason I felt like journaling in the first place! I am feeling rather odd today, with a lack of energy for doing household-related activities. I only washed the dishes twice, barely vaccumed, and cleaned up once. The days before, I'd do far more by this point in time- the day isn't over, so I still have time to get into that! And, I have not been able to stay focused in general and am not remembering very well what I did for some parts of the day. I know I watched some Youtube videos for about 30 minutes, but other than that, I have not been surfing the internet much; yet I feel like I've lost hours of time today for some reason. This feeling is really getting down on me and my posture- I am acting as if I am tired, though I am not feeling exhausted. It's annoying. Perhaps, there is something that is preventing me from being more energetic and efficient today... Maybe, it's: Foggy, cold weather today and lack of natural ligting in the house Watching a kind of tough and sad and complicated scene in a TV show Waking up late Having a loooong to-do list hmmm, I see that all of these are more or less factors outside of my control- and if I would find more, would I really know if that is the cause? Perhaps, instead of thinking back on what caused this odd feeeling today, I should think forward on how to make myself feel better, and focus on being productive. I do still have a lot of things to det done today, I should stop avoiding some of the tasks! Ahhh, I still have not created a routine for days like this; a list of things that can make me feel better would be essential. Welp, will try to do that tomorrow! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Po
  8. Pochatok

    My diary

    Hmmm, I agree with you in that you do not need to share everything, but I share things that could help improve my relationships with other people. Telling my partner that I am struggling with gaming has helped her understand why I am feeling stressed/unhappy at times, and support me accordingly when I needed help. She has helped me limit my screentime and become more comfortable with playing games with friends. What do you think? Do you think that these two can be related? Up until recently, I had the exat same feeling. But, after changing from pursuing active growth- that is, doing focused activities that "improve" me in some way- to passive growth- believing that I will naturally improve as a person over time- I've been waking up feeling better more often. Another thing that has helped me was to shift my thoughts into "things I need want to get done" when I wake up. Instead of thinking of all the chores right away, I thought of the stuff I am actually looking forward to. In general, I feel like finding a very accessible, quick activity to do in the morning that you actually are enjoying or excited about is what has been helpful to me. I hope that you will be able to keep up your hard work, and take time to rest and reflect as well 🙂 Po
  9. I hope that you'll get better once the school starts; I felt a similar way too in the months leading up to my 1st year, but once it kicked in- I've been having the (social) time of my life ever since. Glad to hear that you are feeling much better than usual though, and that you were able to hit that point so soon after quitting gaming again 🙂 Wish you good health in the coming months! Hmmm, have you ever seen this video? It has helped me learn to enjoy leisure more and focus less on chasing progress/improvement within myself so much. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEz7oJy37lI Cheers! Po
  10. heh, it's interesting that you associate this with gaming! I've been on many other online forums before and this is a common feature to me, but I see where you are coming from. Perhaps it could be made optional to display... maybeeee @Cam Adair???
  11. Hmmm, I think I might be on that journey as well. I think that I decided to revisit actually playing video games as I am still struggling to let go completely of video games in some ways. At the moment I feel like I am gaining a better understanding of what gaming means to me, and how my relationship with it was in the past, and what I want it to be now. A few months ago I was in a situation where I reconnected with my ex, and it was actually very awesome to revisit the relationship I used to have with them and the ways I thought of it; I've realised that many of my views were incorrect, and think much warmer of my ex now, and feel comfortable around them. Either way, I feel like there are so many more things I now value in life that I do not want to game for more than 10 minutes a day. And, my mindset has changed enough so that I can actually do leisure activities only for as long as they are enjoyable. Thank you so much for checking in, I've missed reading your new journal entries. Hope to read more of them soon @Average_Guy cuz you're so awesome and your life is so interesting to me!!! Po
  12. Heyo! This turned out to be not exactly true- I have been playing about 15-30 minutes both yesterday and today. Though games certainly aren't super fun for me anymore, I do find them enjoyable in very short amounts. I've thinking a lot about my feelings of guilt and discomfort when gaming, and how those were largely caused by my self-shaming from my unsuccessful quitting attempts. I'm guessing that if I were to learn to actually enjoy gaming without feeling down, I would have a more halthy relationship with them. I've been looking at my other leisure activities, and they are not much different from gaming in their purpose- they help me relax my body and refocus my mind, and they teach me various things. Those activities are primarily being outside, reading, watching TV shows and listening to music. Though I believe gaming to be the least beneficial of them, it is probably the one that lets me relax and relief stress the most. I think this is the reason I am not interested in playing more than 10-15 minutes per day: though today I played about 20 minutes, the last 5-10 were giving me some anxiety and stress. I think that I am at a point in life where I finally can easily notice when an activity stops being enjoyable and turns into a stressfull one. However, there is still some work to do on how self-aware I am when doing such activities, and how quickly I can act accordingly to mitigate stress. It is exciting to finally be having a healthier relationship with leisure and gaming in general. I've never been able to enjoy my life as much as I do now. Will recap the week a bit later 🙂 Thank you for reading, and let me know what you think of my thoughts- do you think that it is best to keep gaming out of my life completely (and why, if so), or is moderation possible and beneficial? Po
  13. Ohhh, this is a very frequent situation for many people on the forum, including me. I think it's really tough to quit gaming when you are in the wrong environment. Something that was helpful for me was to change where my gaming PC was located at- instead of keeping it in my room, in private, I moved it up into the guest room, and my urges have been much weaker since! Have you thought of simply moving into a different area into your house, or completing certain activities in a different place? My dad, for example, from time to time leaves the house and works at the library to be less distracted by food, kids, and facebook lol.
  14. I think that's a good idea! I also shared my gaming PC with other people in the family (and games as well). For me, deleting all my progress completely in all my games, and uninstalling those that only I played was helpful, though I am not sure how possible that is for you. I recommend going ahead and trying what you suggested, and we shall see how well that works!
  15. Hi! Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable on this forum; I really appreciate it, and it is helpful to have a more complete overview of who you are and what your situation is. I think that for many of us here, including me, gaming is a way to numb/reduce stress that comes from social anxieties and challenges. I hope that you will be able to continue to post on this forum, interact with other folks on here, and overcome gaming and the things that caused your addiction 🙂 What have you thought of doing to help you fight against your addiction? Do you have any other forms of support outside of this forum? Have you tried to quit before? Welcomeee to GameQuitters :>>>>> Po
  16. Other than that, it has been a costly built enjoyable first trip abroad on my own! There have been some mistakes made, for sure, but I've made a lot of wonderful memories and pictures with my partner, and am very happy that this trip has happened. Cuz there ain't much happening for the rest of the summer besides work anyways, heh. Here is a pic from the trip:
  17. A brief reflection about two weeks past my last relapse: To recall the experience itself, it was rather unpleasant, as I certainly had some better things to do since it was my sister's birthday lol. Though I do enjoy gaming, and find value in some of it- it can be inspirational, stress-relieving, and blah blah blah, all of those things can be gained through other ways, without me necessarily gaming. During the trip, I really enjoyed reading some video game lore and development process, and that was honestly a better experience than gaming itself. I think that someday I would certainly enjoy to work on a game, but that is not nearly the same as just playing one simply because I am bored. I think that I want to keep away from gaming for the rest of the summer, and instead keep thinking of the other things I want/have to do, because it is always a list too long, and I never have truly enough time. I think that certain games are inherently appealing to me as an artist, but I need to continue to remember and explore more the concept that experiencing a game and playing it are not the same thing. I enjoy games, but not playing them.
  18. Why do you think acne is such a worrisome issue for you? I suffered from the same anxiety; it went away, though I still get acne all the time (though I've been able to improve the situation through eating foods that work well for me). What helped was realizing and accepting that no one but me really cares much about the acne much; that took me a long time, but this mindset shift really helped! Po
  19. Ohhh I feel this struggle so much haha. Any projects worth sharing at the moment? Sharing my work with others has helped me greatly with the perfectionism anxiety since I see that no matter how flawed I perceive my work to be, others will find it beautiful.
  20. Played some more today- about 40 minutes total. Fairly unrewarding- though I feel like playing some games does improve certain skills like stress management, planning, and ability to react calmly, I feel like there are better ways in which I can achieve the same result. I am glad that I am leaving to Lithuania tomorrow, and will not keep the game installed once I return- I must admit that I do not have the capability on my own to refrain from gaming; but simply uninstalling all games completely is enough!
  21. Into Week 26 Woop woop! My sister has been playing games on my PC and I installed her one of the games that I used to play myself and... I relapsed. I played for about 20 minutes total yesterday and the day before. However, I really do not feel like playing video games- the thought of "what else can I do with my time" appears as soon as I launch the game. At the moment, I am completely disinterested in gaming. Yes, there are urges, but I feel so much more excited about doing other things, some of which have been: Working on my huge summer projects- they will impact thousands of people across many different schools 😮 I'm really excited to see where they go, and feel very lucky to be able to work on such a scale on my own. Learning Animation in Blender- though I have not yet started animating per se, I've been learning lots of technical aspects of animation within this software, and it's soo fun! Making Music- practicing my instrument has never felt more rewarding, and I am actually wanting to practice every day. I hope to continue to work on the smaller projects I have been working on, and perhaps start making bigger things in the near future. Making other art- I'm currently also working on a painting and a tattoo design. I do not have much recent experience with either, so it has been fun to (re)learn these processes. However, there have been some setbacks and challenges in the last week, that perhaps have contributed to my relapse: Pornography has been an issue again- I've been relapsing more and more frequently, though for the next 3 weeks I will definitely stay clean cuz I'll be travelling heh Time Management- I am productive overall, but not nearly enough efficient with my time to get done all the things I wish to get done. Almost every day, something gets left out 😞 Relationships- I have had two agressive outbreaks towards my parents, both of which were unreasonable and regretful: I would accuse my parents of something, or assume that I have specific knowledge to fix an issue within my family, but would be immediately rebuttled by all my family members (cuz my arguments didn't really make sense). It is really hard to admit at times that I am still not very knowledgeable of certain topics, and that there is still a lot of things I do not understand. I do hope to continue to grow though, and prevent more of such outbreaks. Other than that, it has been a good time! I am going to Lithuania tomorrow, and today is my sis' BD!
  22. Woah, glad you were able to make such a turn with PUBG! Glad you are making more connections, too 🙂
  23. Just wanted to journal because the last few days have not gone the way I'd like them to. Time to analyze and try to improve the way I am spending my time, gaining motivation and inspiration, and etc etc. How I am spending my time lately: The last few days I've been getting most of the things on my to-do list done, but that would often be it- anything not on the list would be likely brushed aside. I did not practice trombone for awhile, paused exercise, and avoided cooking (in favor of chips), among other tiny things. Today, I've definitely made some progress in how productive I am, but I am feeling like my poor habit of getting myself easily distracted and losing a sense of time (I can spend ten minutes on Youtube thinking it was two). How I am attempting to improve productivity: One of the things I've already attempted was to change my workplace- I am now residing upstairs, with a lot of daylight, more people present around, and my workdesk is no longer in the very corner of a room. This has helped me stay focused and not be distracted for longer periods of time(though I have still lost time on YouTube). I am also trying to keep my posture better- it has been worsening the last few days, and, in general, I stay productive as long as my posture is good (and vice versa). Getting back into routine tasks is important too- I need to focus on things that I am doing for my own wellbeing, every day. Not something like washing dishes, but watching an animation tutorial or recording a song. Not sure how actually helpful it is, but there are some things I can/should be doing every day but am not. Journal more often, and try to allow more moments of stillness. The last few weeks, when I'd be eating, I would not be doing anything else; I would have time to think and reflect on my recent past, and enjoy the food. Now, I am back to watching or reading while eating, while journaling is slowly fading away (yet again). I need to give myself more intentional times of stillness throughout the day, and also dedicate time to journal. Since this is a pretty small list of things so far, I also will try to read more often, as reading is the one thing that certainly keeps me curious and interested in the real world, and fuels many of my passions. I need a source of knowledge and excitement that will help me stay very awake during the day. What to watch out for: One of the current struggles is porn, again. I've journaled plenty on this topic elsewhere already, and I think that a lot of it has to do with other issues, which are all linked to an uneventful life- I do not have many goals to achieve in a clear timeline, few deadlines, and even fever events to partake in. I should focus on having something to achieve for every day of the week, and plan out goals for the week ahead, too. I think I will do that on my current software for planning and organization; I have been already doing it, actually, but not consistently enough. Hopefully this will lead me to some advances! I guess that's all 🙂
  24. I second this so much! Only focusing on milestones often hurts the process, and picking the right milestones, too, is quite important. For me, my gaming addiction was severely difficult to overcome until I changed my goal from "not playing games" to "doing something instead of playing games". Making sure that I am focusing on quality before/prior to quantity in all activities (that is, learn how to do something efficiently and then move onto improving productivity) is one of the most important and yet difficult things in shaping my own success and career heh. Some author (Kettl, if you're curious), once said that "the mission drives behavior", and focusing on results is more important than the process. However, I believe that some (simpler) goals require a focus on the process to be achieved (such as "I want to run a mile in 6 minutes"), and other (more complex) goals themselves modify your process as you focus on them (I want to become a Musician). Sorry for flooding your personal journal, this was a thought that I really wanted to add to 🙂
  25. Hmmm, have you thought of retaking it? A friend of mine has done that!