Pochatok

Day 4 and 5 behind- excited to keep moving (on). Urges more significant today- I am a bit exhausted, and yet am not providing myself space of rest. I will continue to build the free world I want to live in. I can't stop, I don't want to escape and distract (again). If not now, when?

imo, there is nothing you have but the present moment- every time an action is delayed (be it quitting your job cuz you don't like it (not to self-project, lol)), it is essentially erased from existence. the less I've been taking future- not just a month from now, but simply tomorrow, the very next hour -for granted, the more I've found myself working w/ my values and dreams. also, i recommend this video essay on purpose/reason for doing things. it has helped me tremendously.

Hey, have you encountered the "mindful self-compassion workbook"? has helped me tremendously in the 'being hard on yourself' issue. perhaps, what you're struggling w/ isn't reaching expectations, but setting them realistically. do you have an in-depth understanding of your circumstances, of your struggles, of your pains? how do your expectations take that into account? different things are hard for different people- don't beat yourself up for the universal human experience of struggling ❤️

Day 2 and 3 done. Still going well- stronger urges today, but simply thinking about it is a reminder that what I seek is love and compassion. Pornography never grants me those things. The urges are the strongest when I seem to be evading the present- in the state of "waiting". Today, I caught my urges peaking as I was waiting for lunch hour to begin. Why..? I don't even eat during lunchtime- I operate on my own schedule. Either way, any escapism desires are manifesting strongest in pornography these days- what I want to resort to, instead, is mindfulness- awareness, acceptance, and follow-through w/ the struggles and pains that drive my escapism.

Day one completed- I am committed to becoming a different person. Remember the future I want- and what it will take to get me there. Today, my main aim is to review a lot of my "everyday" habits, and eliminate all those useless- such as unguided learning, compulsory eating, lack of social engagement, lack of meditation, etc.. It's been overdue, for me to establish more long-term, far-outlook routines. Onwards- to aid my journey against addiction, I will take some time to read additional essays on healthy relationships❤️

Been getting distracted a lot this morning- and upon a social interaction, realized how much my self-awareness expands when I get to talk to other people. It's something I dearly, dearly miss- genuine conversations where I get to be my (best) self. Having access to this currently unmet need- of regular human interaction -will help me greatly w/ my current struggle against pornography. Here's onto day 1. Much more committed- remember, if I manage to truly rid myself of this one addiction, the effects will span across my entire livelihood. onwards!

looking through past entries, i notice that my quitting of games was not immediate- i held onto gameplay videos for awhile, and did fill my time w/ other poor habits. it was not until beginning of 2021 when i was able to quit fully. i need to maintain the needs that pornography is currently fullfilling in some way- the issue being, i do not understand what those needs are. pornography desire comes up when i am very stressed and/or very tired. perhaps, it simply the need to rest (especially my mind, less so my body). i should respect that- my workaholic-ness is what drives me to this level of exhaustion. i need to respect my own boundaries- and here we go, back to self-compassion. will dedicate the last 30mins of this day to learning more on self-compassion, then.

no relapse yet- practicing positive exposure again, does help a lot w/ more committed unlearning of my habits as the outcome. But a long way to go in terms of commitment- I am not desperate to quit. I want to be.

Hey, I hear you- same is for me. And indeed, the current predominant modes of social interaction, be it dating apps or employment, do not favor that. In fact, that is very much discouraged. What you're doing is so brave- I'm glad you do not compromise on your values! I'm not sure how difficult it is for you to find employment places where honesty/authenticity would be valuable... I too am searching for those- it seems that places like that do not pay much, and are very community/social-focused. Informal education, mutual aid nonprofits (like providing free counselling), etc.. I'm sorry you've had so much struggle from living by your values- it certainly does not need to be that way.

And a relapse. Similar mode of relapse- low awareness of what I am doing, no red lights went off until I was well into the process. What frustrates me, then, is that upon recognition of my mistake, I continued nonetheless. That's what must go- relapses like this may happen. But nothing will change unless I keep the stakes high, and treat my mistakes as something worth addressing.

Used to think similarly; however, I've learned that I get things done a lot quicker when I do listen to that pain. When I do not, my body/mind are multitasking- trying to both do the thing and ignore the pain.

Recommitting - day 7. I am mindful about who I am, and I will continue to change my life. I do not want to waste a minute- every second I get to inhabit this body is a blessing, and opportunity granted by god/universe to lessen the suffering of other living beings. Po

Brief update- day 5. Both keeping mindful of who I am (not someone who engages in escapist activities like pornography) and what I want (connecting w/ real people- friends ❤️). Life has been accelerating- I feel more driven than when writing my last update. This urgency is energizing- hope to keep riding the wave, safely.

I appreciate your warmth in this reply ❤️ I believe that my basic needs are met, more or less- I do have the basic habits, but no guiding star to drive them further. I get up early, but not as soon as I wake up. I exercise, but don't break a sweat. Why would I- life doesn't have a very clear sense of purpose. I am starting to uncover more of what I don't want- but there is still so much fog in the area of my passions. It's both an issue of practice- I don't get to do a lot of the things (I think) I enjoy -and an issue of priority- more everyday tasks like reading tend to fill up most of my day. introspective is difficult, especially when I'm by myself- thank you for your encouragement!

Do you do any mindfulness/meditation? Imo, it could be not the hydration, but that you're having trouble noticing that you're dehydrated. For me, a lot of my physical discomforts have lessened once I began listening to myself a lot more. Until then, I could never figure it out- was I eating too much, or too little; too early or too late?.. What it all came to was learning to hear what my body is telling me- b/c those needs change every day. Feeling dehydrated and overhydrated can appear very similar- it's listening deeper that guides me to the right responses to physical discomforts.

Hey! Just here (as the oldest sibling of 5, my youngest being 2 and 5) to say that others' pain is not always something you can fix. Imo, the most important thing you offer is your presence- even if he's crying, he knows you're there for him. Sometimes that's the best you can do- and that's ok. As he develops and learns to hold himself, he will remember you holding him, telling him that it will all be okay ❤️

Today, I did not sent an intent of not-relapsing; fortunately, urges were low. I am continuing to have massive issues w/ distractions. I need to work through this ASAP- a vision is closer, yet I have not arrived at it still. Hustle hustle! Po

Today, I was not someone who was committed to quitting. I am continuing a very mindful exposure course, but am not doing enough to cultivate a different set of coping/need-meeting mechanisms. Therefore, I relapsed when urges were strong enough. And, I did not set my values in the morning. Today, pornography urges showed up when I was feeling very stressed. I need to re-wire myself into doing something else that actually helps: at the moment, porn is most desired b/c I do not have other effective coping strategies like talking to friends/journaling (relational expression), walking/exercise (physical expression), or singing/making art (emotional expression- as in bypassing conscious processing of emotions into feelings). Perhaps what I am realizing most closely is that I've been extremely forgetful since February. I am no longer holding deep awareness of my values; I have no long-term plans. I am very present, very intent, but that intent ends with sunset. I need to re-form my life again. Even if it is feeble and unstable of a vision, I need to have one. So, today I will begin keeping track of four separate living modules: half-day plan (revised/extended in evening), 7 day aspirations, 10-week goals, and 2 year dreams. Or, 7 hours, 7 days, 70 days, and 700 days. For some reason, this number has been working well for me. Again, I do not want to make this public directly. However, I do want to make and publish artwork that will reflect each one of these. To keep this private is to never commit.

Welcome, glad to have you here! Played a similar amount of hours, but there is still more to life. Look forward to hearing you take back control of your life, however non-linear and confusing that path may be ❤️

Did not relapse w/ pornography today- the "exposure therapy" is working, and let me share why: What is "exposure therapy" in regards to pornography? I watch pornography on purpose within a setting that is de-stimulating (less private, less intimate space)- this helps me react milder to seeing porn. What inspired me to try this? My recent experiences of platonic physical intimacy. I got to cuddle and fall asleep, repeatedly, with a friend for whom I used to have intense romantic affection; at first, it was quite uncomfortable- I had to work through the urges to infuse platonic cuddles with romantic overtones. But, as time went on, I became a lot more comfortable just cuddling, just sleeping. And then, my feelings shifted too- I no longer have romantic attachment to my friend; our feelings towards each other run more consistently parallel, and I feel so secure ❤️ I no longer worry about impulsively acting out on my desires, or struggle to enjoy our relationship as it is now. -> With porn, I hope to gain a same effect- not by abstaining from accessing it, but un-learning my desire towards it. Only then, I will have a secure relationship w/ pornography, where I feel in control of my feelings and actions. if memory serves me right, this was a strategy I utilized for video games, too, prior to starting my detox. I tend to track my quitting journey w/ gaming from day 0, but in fact, it started long before that. I would have never made it from 0 to 90 in one take, had I not done so much prep work. Excited to continue down this road- every time I have an urge for pornography, de-sensitize myself. Remind me that this is not what I really desire. Po ❤️

I'm curious, do you have a clear goal set for this? Imo, it's a lot less to stop scrolling when you have a goal rather than a limit. A limit is something like "stop after 10 profiles" whereas a goal is "continue until I find 2 profiles that resonate with me". It re-frames the ending/ceasing of the activity as desirable rather than forced. That's how I browse social media- look out for 3-5 helpful posts that I "save for later" (and sometimes revisit). There is no doom scrolling b/c I am seeking very specific things. If I cannot find any helpful posts for some time, I tend to quit b/c of frustration.

Another day- was able to implement the above exercise, sloppily. Did not have a walk long enough to review my plans, and set them for today- which is definitely related to my hour-long distraction into reading. It was certainly useful, but inefficient. I want to make the most of the little time I have left on this planet. It will never be enough- but I can do my best. Po

Hey! Admiring your commitment- I will not game today either (tho, the weather is easy on me- the sunniest it's been all week). Good luck on your journey- look forward to hearing about it ❤️

There is always a bit of shame, often externalized- "games are not good for you". At this point, when I play games, it's more often for a valid reason than not- and I play 1-2 times/year (as in, 1-2 "sessions" where I play for a couple days to a couple weeks, and then quit altogether). But, I only am able to feel so little shame b/c I know that my gaming is not habitual. I don't play games by myself, I don't play games to escape. I do play to connect, to learn, to explore myself. That's the only way, for me, to have a truly healthy relationship w/ games- to make them a means towards something, not the end.

Missed a cruicial part of my morning routine- journaling, dreaming, and praying. As a result, another relapse. I must center my intentions. Writing here is one portal for getting there. How do I maintain this routine w/ stability? - consistent, successive routine: so far, I've been able to implement the following chain: wake up think through the dreams for 5-10 brief prayer of gratitude as I'm getting up 2nd prayer- of gratitude ice shower outside walk exercise Where would planning, dreaming, aspiring prayer, and journaling fit in best -> added in! wake up immediately get out of bed think through the dreams for 5-10 brief prayer of gratitude as I'm getting up 2nd prayer- of gratitude set my future self vision, dreams, and aspirations for today- 3 things i want to happen and experience ice shower outside walk review the plans for today, and recap yesterday- through a voice message exercise transcribe and expand on the voice message from the walk have breakfast - no distractions, no media. be w/ myself --- the day passes review the transcription from 7th point, and make plans for tomorrow + the next 7, 30, 60, 100 days (to be reviewed the next day during 6th point) How do I ensure that this sticks? Make it public (by sharing here + my personal blog) and make it stick (write it down, physically) I don't want to forget that I want to be free. I want to do the difficult, important things. I've been running away this whole week. It does not feel good. I am so easily distracted, and yet feel almost no shame for my behavior.