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4 hours ago, Ikar said:

Honestly, all of these are plausible reasons. Did she say anything particular that made you upset? I would actually see it as a win. I think that if her boyfriend is really such a tool and she subconsciously knows she can do better, then she would start falling for you, unless she tells her life story to every other guy that just gets talking to her.

I agree. Usually the girls I've fallen for talk to every guy and repeat the same story all of ther time because they want attention. This girl remembers everything because she cares. She only tells me things because she cares. She isn't a meme either. It's great. 

The thing that annoys me is it's going to take a few months to develop into a relationship if it ever does. It's easy to get frustrated or impatient by that and yesterday was an example of impatience. 

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40 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree. Usually the girls I've fallen for talk to every guy and repeat the same story all of ther time because they want attention. This girl remembers everything because she cares. She only tells me things because she cares. She isn't a meme either. It's great. 

The thing that annoys me is it's going to take a few months to develop into a relationship if it ever does. It's easy to get frustrated or impatient by that and yesterday was an example of impatience. 

I actually go out to events quite intently these days, so I try to remember at least some basic things about people I meet regularly as well. It's hard to have a good time outside if I don't know what am I aiming for (and have no plans to achieve that). It obviously varies from event to event, but I don't want to go out to just go out.

I think you just have to sit tight on the front with her, unless something radical happens (i.e. any of you quits climbing). You are free to explore other options elsewhere though. Enjoy the smooth and slow sailing for now.

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51 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I actually go out to events quite intently these days, so I try to remember at least some basic things about people I meet regularly as well. It's hard to have a good time outside if I don't know what am I aiming for (and have no plans to achieve that). It obviously varies from event to event, but I don't want to go out to just go out.

I think you just have to sit tight on the front with her, unless something radical happens (i.e. any of you quits climbing). You are free to explore other options elsewhere though. Enjoy the smooth and slow sailing for now.

Yeah. I honestly feel better today so far about the whole thing. Most likely I'll find someone else. I wanted to stay vigilant of heightened infatuation because my dad does this and he either dates a million people or cheats on people and I want to ensure I don't do that. 

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Hi!

 

Skipping back a couple of posts.... what I have seen is that people choose relationships that mirror their caregivers relationship. Attachment theory. 
 

This cycle only breaks once someone is self aware of their thoughts/emotions/patterns/cycles... which sadly many are not. 
 

Also in relationships where educated women date the “loser” men.... it’s actually the men that hold the power in the relationship. These types of men usually withhold affection/attention ... and the woman is begging for any type of emotional intimacy. At least from what I’ve seen and just to add another perspective. 
 

You are doing great! As you said we all have good days and then tough days. We just have to keep going and supporting each other. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

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11 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Also in relationships where educated women date the “loser” men.... it’s actually the men that hold the power in the relationship. These types of men usually withhold affection/attention ... and the woman is begging for any type of emotional intimacy. At least from what I’ve seen and just to add another perspective. 

I completely agree with this statement. When I become friends with these kinds of women I am fond of I find that the male spouse is very rude to me. One of my best friends had characteristics of the type of woman I wanted to date and he always sat between us, never spoke to me, never talked to me when we exchanged numbers or social media (when I used it), and it was clear he was jealous she'd speak about me. In turn, our friendship has subsided. This has happened in another friendship as well where I used to talk to my friend all of the time and her boyfriend got pissed we used to hold an annual gingerbread house building event. So he invited himself to one, didn't help make the gingerbread house, watched TV in the other room, and the conversation was just awkward. She hasn't come over ever since.

I had another friend who was close to me and was dating a loser and he never came over to our house for parties or anything. He treated her like shit and controlled all of her friendships to the point where she has no friends now for the most part except for his friends. Nobody invites her to anything anymore and she keeps telling me how she's so upset and sad that she has no friends. Everyone has told her they don't like him and she won't do anything so they stopped talking to her.

Usually the more feeble members of society try to play the role of puppet master and try to control the ones they fear most. I'm determined to try and date this one girl though. Or just someone else over time who I find meets the kind of mold I'm looking for in a woman. 

That's not my first priority though. I've just been sticking to good habits and not being mean to myself. It's done a lot for me. I'll highlight it in my weekly post thing.

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Today I'm 68 weeks free from video games. I also decided to take further steps into preventing weekend depression and anxiety. Last night I was so tired after work that I just read my book and laid in bed for hours. I didn't sleep, which was good. I just read my book and enjoyed it. I unfortunately watched porn, but overall I've been very good about the porn and just am not berating myself. I think after 4 years of therapy I'm finally learning how to give myself a break and some kindness. It feels good and it's made me relapse with porn less because of the reduced amount of accountability and pressure I've been keeping on myself. Funny how that works.

I have had issues waking up in the mornings over the weekends. I felt like I had no reason to wake up since I wasn't working and had nothing to look forward to doing. Although I was social last week, I didn't really ENJOY the activities I did and just did them to get out of the house, which worked. I liked seeing my friend last week is all I think.

This time around I woke up at my normal work schedule time, made breakfast, and immediately went to the rock climbing gym for the first time in my life on a weekend. I was a little self-conscious because of not knowing anyone there this time. I warmed up and started climbing. I climbed something I failed multiple times in the past and knew I was going to have a great day climbing. I climbed maybe 10+ routes again. I also saw a person I complimented last Wednesday so I introduced myself to her and we spent the next 2 hours climbing together and keeping each other motivated. We both climbed many new things we hadn't climbed before. It was so nice being around such a positive person and working towards a common goal and not just complaining about life or doing something boring like going out to eat and sharing stuff.

I got home and immediately meal prepped and have 10 meals for the first part of the week. They all have vegetables this time. I have been bad about eating vegetables for a while now. I don't want any of your recipes. It was more of a laziness due to depression for me not cooking them.

I've noticed ever since my conversation in private with @Vera about sticking to common habits and making sure I meet my essential needs I'll be happier. Every day I've been eating at least 3 meals. I drink lots of water. I have had the same sleeping and waking routine for 3 weeks since my talk with her. I bathe 3-5 times per week now instead of 1. I brush my teeth twice a day. I read each day before bed and am finally enjoying reading for the first time in my life. I'm also practicing hobbies when I feel like it, not guilting myself into it. I grocery shop every Tuesday even if I have groceries. I just want to keep the routine because it's important.

I also watched some lifestyle documentaries from Japanese living and culture. I appreciated how much respect their community has for their community. It has taught me to be more kind to people, hold fewer grudges, and just appreciate working hard instead of looking for pity after working hard due to me being tired. It has made me more proud and happy.

I also appreciate everyone posting on my thread about celebrating something from the month of January. I'm trying to get the community more involved and be more positive since all self help communities can face some negative energy from time to time. So thank you for posting there whoever posted in it.

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Hey, what a wonderful post. You sound very chill and positive. I'm happy for you. I thought it was great to see your post at the top of the page and enjoyed posting to it too. This was actually the first week I didn't finish my five day weight training because I was just so tired I slept all day haha. That's great you're being kinder to yourself. It was measured that monks who practiced self-compassion meditation were happier. I want to checkout that documentary too, is it on Netflix?

Edited by Erik2.0
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Today was my best Saturday in a while. I woke up and went rock climbing, did meal prep, relaxed, talked to my grandparents, did laundry, cleaned, took a shower, and spoke with my dad. I told him we're not talking about dating and he tried very hard to bring it up, but I told him we're not talking about it. He listened after he knew I was getting angry for a brief moment and we talked about books and hockey instead. It was much better.

Now that I'm rock climbing more often I've been enjoying the feeling my muscles get after working out. I think it's going to lead me to lifting weights again. I'm very happy and interested in what will happen.

I watched porn again today, but it wasn't as bad as yesterday. I'm not frustrated though. I'm more tired of watching it and letting it run its course. I'm acknowledging my good day and realizing it's not helping my day at all. I think this is the right approach. Some things like video games I could abandon with pure anger and hatred. I have come to understand that love, relationships, and porn are all things I just have to move on from without anger. I'm going to treat it like I treated that girl who hurt my feelings last year. At first it was so dramatic and now I can feel better as she is no longer part of my life. I rarely think about her now. 

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5 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Hey, what a wonderful post. You sound very chill and positive. I'm happy for you. I thought it was great to see your post at the top of the page and enjoyed posting to it too. This was actually the first week I didn't finish my five day weight training because I was just so tired I slept all day haha. That's great you're being kinder to yourself. It was measured that monks who practiced self-compassion meditation were happier. I want to checkout that documentary too, is it on Netflix?

Thanks! I'm glad you posted. I'm trying really hard to be normal and relaxed by not trying hard. Lol. I'm just letting it be and being me for me. It's a YouTube series, but I don't want to trigger people who are trying to quit watching YouTube often. I'll try doing the spoiler thing. I watched all of his Day in the life series. It made me realize that I don't have to be amazing. Some of these people just live life and enjoy life. I'm practicing it now and not trying to be some extremely special person who has a destiny. I just want to live.

Spoiler

 

 

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17 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I completely agree with this statement. When I become friends with these kinds of women I am fond of I find that the male spouse is very rude to me. One of my best friends had characteristics of the type of woman I wanted to date and he always sat between us, never spoke to me, never talked to me when we exchanged numbers or social media (when I used it), and it was clear he was jealous she'd speak about me. In turn, our friendship has subsided. This has happened in another friendship as well where I used to talk to my friend all of the time and her boyfriend got pissed we used to hold an annual gingerbread house building event. So he invited himself to one, didn't help make the gingerbread house, watched TV in the other room, and the conversation was just awkward. She hasn't come over ever since.

I had another friend who was close to me and was dating a loser and he never came over to our house for parties or anything. He treated her like shit and controlled all of her friendships to the point where she has no friends now for the most part except for his friends. Nobody invites her to anything anymore and she keeps telling me how she's so upset and sad that she has no friends. Everyone has told her they don't like him and she won't do anything so they stopped talking to her.

Usually the more feeble members of society try to play the role of puppet master and try to control the ones they fear most. I'm determined to try and date this one girl though. Or just someone else over time who I find meets the kind of mold I'm looking for in a woman.

This is interesting. Do you become closest friends only with these kinds of women - those who are willing to put up with controlling men in their relationships that want to make their women totally dependent on them? Do you wish some of them would eventually "break free" and could start a new and better relationship (with you)? How would you help them to deal with their newly regained, post-breakup independence?

I think those are hard questions, but I guess knowing why you are inclined to befriend/date certain types of women is vital.

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

This is interesting. Do you become closest friends only with these kinds of women - those who are willing to put up with controlling men in their relationships that want to make their women totally dependent on them? Do you wish some of them would eventually "break free" and could start a new and better relationship (with you)? How would you help them to deal with their newly regained, post-breakup independence?

I think those are hard questions, but I guess knowing why you are inclined to befriend/date certain types of women is vital.

No, no, this isn't what I'm talking about at all. I think you're overthinking it. The first sentence you're making me look like a predator. That makes me feel bad and wasn't what I was talking about in the first place. I'm just trying to explain why I am frustrated with trying to find a woman who I have things in common with. It's more of I probably think I'm better than the guys they're dating. I'm not ONLY looking for these women to be friends with.

I have found that I've been attracted to certain women who are on the nerdier side who like the same things I do and aren't caught up with being a girly girl. They are tom boys who like sports, cartoons or sometimes anime, super heroes, books, art, etc. They're not a typical Instagram girl who is desperate for attention. They despise that crowd and are quiet around those kinds of women. I like when they open up with me. I like how they're independent thinkers and can give me legitimate advice without using generic advice they read on buzzfeed or a motivational quote on Instagram. 

I just find that some of these women who I become attracted to because of these qualities are lacking confidence in themselves and settle for the first man who asks them out and don't understand they're not a good fit. In like 3 of the cases I mention they're like this, which probably runs the average in the world in both men and women not being a good couple in general. 

I don't wish any of them breaking up unless they truly saw what their relationship is doing to them. Only one of them I'd date now because of how I've seen them. So I probably not like a lot of them over time anyways.

It just stems from meeting someone I have things in common with and then finding out they're taken and then finding out their significant other is not on their level and makes them worse off.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

No, no, this isn't what I'm talking about at all. I think you're overthinking it. The first sentence you're making me look like a predator. That makes me feel bad and wasn't what I was talking about in the first place. I'm just trying to explain why I am frustrated with trying to find a woman who I have things in common with. It's more of I probably think I'm better than the guys they're dating. I'm not ONLY looking for these women to be friends with.

I have found that I've been attracted to certain women who are on the nerdier side who like the same things I do and aren't caught up with being a girly girl. They are tom boys who like sports, cartoons or sometimes anime, super heroes, books, art, etc. They're not a typical Instagram girl who is desperate for attention. They despise that crowd and are quiet around those kinds of women. I like when they open up with me. I like how they're independent thinkers and can give me legitimate advice without using generic advice they read on buzzfeed or a motivational quote on Instagram. 

I just find that some of these women who I become attracted to because of these qualities are lacking confidence in themselves and settle for the first man who asks them out and don't understand they're not a good fit. In like 3 of the cases I mention they're like this, which probably runs the average in the world in both men and women not being a good couple in general. 

I don't wish any of them breaking up unless they truly saw what their relationship is doing to them. Only one of them I'd date now because of how I've seen them. So I probably not like a lot of them over time anyways.

It just stems from meeting someone I have things in common with and then finding out they're taken and then finding out their significant other is not on their level and makes them worse off.

Thanks for the reply explaining your logic. I was never in a spot where I would be attracted to some personal characteristics of a woman who is dating someone else over longer periods of time. I have ways to go in figuring out how same or different I want my girlfriend to be.

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Thanks for the reply explaining your logic. I was never in a spot where I would be attracted to some personal characteristics of a woman who is dating someone else over longer periods of time. I have ways to go in figuring out how same or different I want my girlfriend to be.

No problem. Thanks for helping as always. I just wanted to clarify things from the posts. I just become friends with these women and then grow attached and then realize they aren't compatible with their bf. Some are. Just a handful aren't and I sit there wishing lol. It's a reminder to keep putting myself out there. 

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I'm trying not to be disappointed in myself this weekend because it was a very productive and social weekend for me. I just couldn't help but sink into watching porn this weekend and I didn't put up much of a fight. 

The Problem

There are two reasons I'm relapsing. The first and biggest reason is love and loneliness. It's very difficult for a single male to commit to NoFap. It's harder for men to find a sex partner than it is for women, I don't want a random sex partner to begin with because I think it's just real life porn to be honest, I want love and affection and to be in the presence of a woman I enjoy. I want a special woman around me because I want to be with her. I don't want her because I'm lonely. I just want to be able to share life with her. Ease her burdens as she eases mine, etc. I've mentioned this in the past so I won't repeat it because I wrote several paragraphs. The main goal is dealing with this loneliness and lack of affection.

The second reason I'm turning to porn is because I'm anxious about this exam. I haven't fully sat down to study and I'm just freaking out over it. I have the worst test anxiety out of anyone I've ever met in life. I get white flashes in my head where everything goes white and blank. I panic and sweat. I hyperventilate and freak out. The only way I've been able to combat this is to memorize every possible question that could be on that exam to the point where I can do it with my eyes closed and no hands. Realizing this effort means I am stressed out about how much time I'm going to have to commit to studying. It frustrates me because I hate it.

My Strategy

I have been working on, and been decent at detaching myself from infatuation. If you look at my daily posts the past 3 weeks I've seemingly had great weeks and doing very well. That's because I have. My mind just tends to always want more and I start to think of how miserable life is without a woman. This is where I need to be accountable to myself. Separate these thoughts. I'm doing well. I'm socializing 2 times per week, doing hobbies 5 times per week, reading 7 times per week, working well 5 days a week at work, eating properly, bathing, drinking water, exercising 3+ times per week and more.

Make that my priority. If those are going well, then I'm doing well, which I am. Let those satisfy my needs. Infatuation will do nothing but cause agony. I've seen it 4 years in a row. I'm cutting the chord now.

I need to get into gear with this exam. This week I'm just jumping right into it. I'm going to look at all the resources I need to have and acquire them. Then I'm going to come up with my study plan and just start cranking through problems and utilizing my table space. I'll make it better as time goes on.

I'll be all set once I actually start studying. I think I'm just anxious as I'm putting it off and not looking at it. It seems like this is the time to just jump into the pool since I already know how to swim.

Trying Not to Judge Myself

I'm a little frustrated because this exam is an 8 hour exam. I will have to study 3 hours per day for the next 8 weeks or so at a maximum. I probably won't always do that, but everyone who passed this exam has had to study that much and sometimes longer. I did this back in college and did well in my studies.

The thing that pisses me off is how I can dedicate this much time to academia, even though I hate it and it's not my biggest passion in life, and can't commit a fraction of it to my fucking hobbies!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I take these fucking 3D modeling classes and maybe I just don't want to do the 3D modeling. I've taken a liking to rock climbing and just wonder why I can't learn a new software or something. Is it because I'm on the computer all day? I like the 3D modeling, but it's so damn overwhelming that I just don't want to learn the basics sometimes.

I think that's another reason I loved video games. They're so simple. You just play and learn strategies. Making the game itself would cripple me. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
Added the "Trying Not to Judge Myself" section.
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Hey man.

Oooh boy, we are on exactly the same wavelength with women haha. And I can totally relate to how difficult it makes the battle with porn. I've been trying to quit porn for many years, long before I even remotely began to recognize gaming as a problem area in my life. I've never managed to stay clean longer than 3 weeks, and when I did it was during a relationship with a girl who had a very high sex drive, and who was also very vocal about how my porn use made her feel.

In short, it's fucking hard to quit, and I think you should know that you're not alone in that struggle. Well, I'm sure you're aware of it, but it's nice to be reminded from time to time. 🙂 Secondly, my experience lately is that much like videogames, the best way to combat it is to remove it from your environment completely. Sadly, it's a little more complicated and frustrating to do than quitting games, but with the right blockers it can be done, and you can at least enjoy the fact that you don't have to white knuckle your addiction so much anymore. I can highly recommend Cold Turkey Blocker for your PC, where you can setup a permanent porn block that won't be easy to disable. I also use detoxify for my android phone, which has been absolutely amazing, as it can be configured to simply block all potentially sexual content. It does brick your phones internet capability quite a bit, but hey, if you're anything like me you probably need to cut back on your phone use as well. 😛

As for exam nerves, that sounds brutal man. Anxiety is fucking awful. I had very severe panic attacks for a couple of months a few years ago and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I'm sure you've tried a number of methods to combat it, but I'm just gonna throw my hat in the ring with what worked for me... extremely rigorous exercise whenever I feel the anxiety coming on. That means going for a long and hard run, or fucking jumping jacks or whatever. If I felt anxious in bed at 2AM I'd get up and do burpees until I wanted to vomit... But then the anxiety would be mostly quelled, and I'll happily trade the urge to vomit for overwhelming anxiety. I think the 'fight or flight' part of the adrenaline rush can be sated by doing just that, fighting or fleeing. If you can convince your brain you somehow avoided the danger, then it quiets down for a little. It's sitting still when you're anxious that amplifies it. 

Anyways, I hope that long ramble helped somehow. Stay cool.

Edited by ElectroNugget
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17 minutes ago, ElectroNugget said:

Hey man.

Oooh boy, we are on exactly the same wavelength with women haha. And I can totally relate to how difficult it makes the battle with porn. I've been trying to quit porn for many years, long before I even remotely began to recognize gaming as a problem area in my life. I've never managed to stay clean longer than 3 weeks, and when I did it was during a relationship with a girl who had a very high sex drive, and who was also very vocal about how my porn use made her feel.

In short, it's fucking hard to quit, and I think you should know that you're not alone in that struggle. Well, I'm sure you're aware of it, but it's nice to be reminded from time to time. 🙂 Secondly, my experience lately is that much like videogames, the best way to combat it is to remove it from your environment completely. Sadly, it's a little more complicated and frustrating to do than quitting games, but with the right blockers it can be done, and you can at least enjoy the fact that you don't have to white knuckle your addiction so much anymore. I can highly recommend Cold Turkey Blocker for your PC, where you can setup a permanent porn block that won't be easy to disable. I also use detoxify for my android phone, which has been absolutely amazing, as it can be configured to simply block all potentially sexual content. It does brick your phones internet capability quite a bit, but hey, if you're anything like me you probably need to cut back on your phone use as well. 😛

As for exam nerves, that sounds brutal man. Anxiety is fucking awful. I had very severe panic attacks for a couple of months a few years ago and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I'm sure you've tried a number of methods to combat it, but I'm just gonna throw my hat in the ring with what worked for me... extremely rigorous exercise whenever I feel the anxiety coming on. That means going for a long and hard run, or fucking jumping jacks or whatever. If I felt anxious in bed at 2AM I'd get up and do burpees until I wanted to vomit... But then the anxiety would be mostly quelled, and I'll happily trade the urge to vomit for overwhelming anxiety. I think the 'fight or flight' part of the adrenaline rush can be sated by doing just that, fighting or fleeing. If you can convince your brain you somehow avoided the danger, then it quiets down for a little. It's sitting still when you're anxious that amplifies it. 

Anyways, I hope that long ramble helped somehow. Stay cool.

Thanks. I'm mostly watching porn on my phone. I actually have never watched it on the computer lol. I don't feel comfortable sitting up and watching it. It makes me feel weird. I usually just do it in bed on my phone. Reading has helped lately, but I've been looking forward to watching it, which is why I'm disappointed. I've been watching women I know I'd not normally be attracted to because I was avoiding my emotional issues with connection that I mentioned. If I watch the beautiful 22-35 year old woman I'm actively searching for in real life I feel like I'll just attach myself to porn and remind myself of how lonely I am. I guess it's another way of escapism. I'm almost jealous of some people who can just have sex with strangers for the enjoyment. I'm turned off of it for some reason. I think I value sex and intimacy too deeply and just think it's such a precious thing in life. Maybe it's not and maybe that's why I'm struggling with the porn. Most of my friends will just find fuck buddies on dating apps or something. I just can't do it. I want to share that intimacy in a romantic, passionate endeavor with just one woman and be enshrined with love, lust, and rapture. Just the two of us and nothing else in this world. I just want that and I've accepted it's what I want. I want to give myself to the woman and make her feel like a goddess because that makes me happy. I think I just hide on porn to subdue my desire to produce such powerful emotions. I think that's why I infatuate so much. I want that romance, passion and connection.

This is the last thing I'll ever have to study for. I'm almost 30. I am jealous of people who never had to study for something after graduating college. It's frustrating that these credentials require so much from me. 

I appreciate the ramble. I'm just a little disappointed in myself, but maybe I'm not needing to be.

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23 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks! I'm glad you posted. I'm trying really hard to be normal and relaxed by not trying hard. Lol. I'm just letting it be and being me for me. It's a YouTube series, but I don't want to trigger people who are trying to quit watching YouTube often. I'll try doing the spoiler thing. I watched all of his Day in the life series. It made me realize that I don't have to be amazing. Some of these people just live life and enjoy life. I'm practicing it now and not trying to be some extremely special person who has a destiny. I just want to live.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

Hey that was cool. I watched it. Drawing manga is difficult I've been learning to do it off YouTube. Makes me wish I went to art school for it, but hey, pursuing licensure as a therapist is awesome too. Although I am concerned the people will lose their stuff and attack me some day . . . 

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I'm glad you liked it! You should post some of your work. Don't fear patients attacking you. That's so improbable. Just keep doing your thing. I deleted my old post. I didn't like my wording.

Edited by BooksandTrees

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7 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

Oooh boy, we are on exactly the same wavelength with women haha. And I can totally relate to how difficult it makes the battle with porn. I've been trying to quit porn for many years, long before I even remotely began to recognize gaming as a problem area in my life. I've never managed to stay clean longer than 3 weeks, and when I did it was during a relationship with a girl who had a very high sex drive, and who was also very vocal about how my porn use made her feel.

My ex actually sent me links to porn sites, I think to educate myself. I guess I am lucky that every time I tried to watch porn, I literally felt like it was the most unnatural thing there was. I used to watch videos with a certain sexual undertone, but I didn't watch one since I uninstalled YT on my phone a couple of months back. I understand your ex's motivation to not let you share your sexual energy with anyone/anything else though.

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The NoFap thing both intrigues and frustrates me. I suppose if you're a porn addict it makes sense, but it's very pervasive in the gaming community on Reddit and I just picture the originators of the idea as these muscle-bound jocks laughing their arses off at all the introverted nerds they've convinced that refraining from masturbation will somehow make them successful socially and desirable to women. I didn't masturbate for 6 months last year (for a completely unrelated reason) and I can readily report that I received absolutely no benefits from this, haha.

But like I said, if you're addicted to porn or masturbate compulsively then yeah, go for it. 

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1 hour ago, ceponatia said:

The NoFap thing both intrigues and frustrates me. I suppose if you're a porn addict it makes sense, but it's very pervasive in the gaming community on Reddit and I just picture the originators of the idea as these muscle-bound jocks laughing their arses off at all the introverted nerds they've convinced that refraining from masturbation will somehow make them successful socially and desirable to women. I didn't masturbate for 6 months last year (for a completely unrelated reason) and I can readily report that I received absolutely no benefits from this, haha.

But like I said, if you're addicted to porn or masturbate compulsively then yeah, go for it. 

I find myself less depressed when I refrain from it. The issue is I do it once a week then 3 times then I'll do it like 15 times in one weekend and just feel so depressed after. It's just like gaming for hours. So for me I know I need to stick with it. 

The other thing is 3d modeling is a porn trigger for me. So I haven't been practicing. It's frustrating. 

Did you feel less depressed or anything during your 6 months?

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No, more depressed but not because of that. Last year was rough, lol. I only masturbate like once a week these days (used to be a lot more) so it doesn't really do anything to my mood either way I don't think. 

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I'm having trouble enjoying my 3D modeling hobby for two reasons:

The first is I've historically been attracted to some of the video game characters. If you guys notice, they make female game characters as sexy as possible. Same thing with super heroes or anime characters. Every character screams sex. It's hard not to be aroused by these characters. As a result, I start to watch 3D modeling tutorials and start getting ideas of creating my own 3D porn the way I want.

This stinks because I lose the interest in creating my own cartoon. I'm very annoyed by this. Instead of being motivated to create a space ship with light effects and animate it to fly. I just think of how I can make a woman be incredibly sexy. I can't get my mind off of it. It's very motivating.

A lot of men and women enjoy drawing nude models. Throughout history of mankind we've drawn nude figures. They're captivating to me. I really enjoy it. The only issue is I just want to end up making a porn out of it. This gets me excited and motivated. Then I just go online and search for porn. Then I feel disgusting afterwards because it's kind of humiliating being attracted to fake women.

It's really embarrassing and one of the reasons I don't want to do 3D modeling anymore. I just end up wanting to make porn and share it with others online, which could lead to other people relapsing.

This was very humiliating to write about. Historically, I've been attracted to anime characters and video game characters since I was 11. If none of you played the Dead or Alive fighting games all of the women had basically no clothes, shapely legs, huge boobs, and beautiful faces. How do you not get attracted to that? It's so frustrating. Nobody in real life except an incredibly small percentage of women have that kind of body and the personality to go with it along with being single. It's not real. I'm being delusional.

I don't only watch this kind of porn. It's actually kind of rare that I watch it. I am more attracted to real women obviously, but I do find myself getting aroused after watching a tutorial and then I search for normal porn because I've been shown this.

The funny thing is I don't get triggered like this in real life. I go to yoga, the beach, the gym, and I don't stare at women. I think it's impolite and I should just be there to do my thing. I don't have any issues with this in public, which is good. I just get aroused when I'm watching these tutorials for some reason. I think being in the privacy of my home, being bored because I don't enjoy learning, and then thinking I can have more fun by watching porn leads me to relapsing.

The second is I'm bored.

That's it! It's funny how just rambling gets to a solution.

I'm relapsing with porn because I'm not happy learning 3D modeling. I end up thinking of something more fun to do and I just end up getting the idea to watch porn due to boredom, frustration learning a hobby when I don't want to learn stuff, and then I'm already aroused because the 3D models these instructors show you are slender women with size HHH chests. It's fake, but gets your imagination going.

I'm just thinking it's the wrong hobby for me? 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I have had a lot of issues with hobbies. They were too anxiety provoking for me. What I've found is that if I really want to do something I've got to just do it the way I want, endure the anxiety and continue in that way. For you that would look like doing the modeling, refusing to look at porn after and continuing to do that. If you really want to do 3d modeling then I think you might be able to do it and not watch porn. It's up to you though. If you want to try, not try, quit on this one. It's your call. 

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Yeah man, that's quite a predicament you have yourself there. I think with the boredom aspect of it, that might change as you develop your skills in 3D modeling, if you choose to continue with it. Improv didn't start getting fun for me until I started to put the pieces together in a coherent manner, and that took nearly a year. That said, if it is causing you to relapse into watching porn, maybe table the hobby for a bit while you get porn under control. You could always go back to it later, and I'm sure there's some other artistic outlet that could fill that void in the meantime. The porn issue does seem pretty important though, and if I were in your scenario, my cost-benefit analysis would be in favor of avoiding potential cues for the porn habit. Same reasoning behind quitting video games really, in my opinion.

Also, I want to add I think you're brave for opening up and sharing as much as you do. It's a real boon to the forums here. I think a surprising amount of people can relate on some level to what you're going through, and it's helpful for others to consider and contemplate.

Edited by DaBest
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