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BooksandTrees

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14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think it just happens by right place, right time, and right mindset. I feel a lot better finally after 4 days without porn. I almost relapsed last night but left my room to walk around @Erik2.0.

I talked to that woman today and I have plans with her this weekend that I'm looking forward to. 

Do you see a therapist at all?

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year and a half as part of my rehab aftercare. First I did group sessions for a year which I kind of miss because there were always new people to meet (which is kind of a bad thing because it means everybody was relapsing and leaving lol). I've definitely noticed an improvement over the last year though. The fact that I can even worry about relationships instead of all the other stuff that was making me miserable is a huge change.

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2 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year and a half as part of my rehab aftercare. First I did group sessions for a year which I kind of miss because there were always new people to meet (which is kind of a bad thing because it means everybody was relapsing and leaving lol). I've definitely noticed an improvement over the last year though. The fact that I can even worry about relationships instead of all the other stuff that was making me miserable is a huge change.

That's awesome. Therapy is really helpful and I'm glad you're noticing improvement. Therapy really helped me out so far on my journey.

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On 2/20/2020 at 7:10 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I think it just happens by right place, right time, and right mindset. I feel a lot better finally after 4 days without porn. I almost relapsed last night but left my room to walk around @Erik2.0.

I talked to that woman today and I have plans with her this weekend that I'm looking forward to. 

Do you see a therapist at all?

Yes I'm seeing a therapist individually starting on March 11th. I'm also doing group therapy 1-2x a week. I'm happy for you making friends and spending time with the girl you think is good for you.

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It's so odd that I still have energy at 10 pm on a Friday. I want to watch porn because it's so convenient and I'd love to feel that release of pressure. 

But on a deeper perspective, do I want release?

Think about it. I feel full of life and energy. I'm not used to it. Masturbation when I'm not horny or anything would just be bad. My body needs this energy. I feel so much happier with this energy. 

My therapist said depression is convenient and familiar. 

Why not broaden my horizon? Why not expand my perception of life and stop living in this fearful, hateful place? 

I'm going to try to stay strong this time. I need to keep reminding myself that yes, porn would make me happy right now, but it would hurt over time and I'm feeling something right now that I never feel. Happiness, energy, warmth, and focus. 

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Today I'm 70 weeks free from gaming. I'm also going on 6 days without porn. This is the first time I've really appreciated how I feel without porn though. I kind of compare this to how I was only playing video games on weekends and wouldn't play Monday-Thursday. I'd binge on the weekends and feel sick during the week. I'd recognize how I would feel better around Wednesday and then end strong only to game 16 hours a day for 3 days straight.

I do the same with with porn in a strange way. I don't think it's possible to watch porn for 16 hours straight. I don't do that. I'd probably watch 3-5 times per day for 10-20 minutes each time. But the effects are the same if not worse. Since quitting games I've been watching porn 3-5 times a day on weekends instead of 1 like in years past. That has got to change. 

What I have been doing is going through the week without watching porn and then binging on the weekends. I take that energy for granted and just go back into a spiral.

I've realized that I can get a dopamine rush to do something, anything at all, and associate it with the need to watch porn because it's the only thing my mind knows that will give me the reward for a dopamine rush. So what I'm doing now is closing my eyes when I feel that rush in my head and channel the energy down my spine and let me warm my body for a brief instance. I'm not meditating. I do this instantaneously anywhere in life. I do this to redirect the energy I'm developing from my mind to my body and not going to watch porn.

I used to do this when I was younger and I'd go to play with my friends or build legos or anything else. I believe I've trained my body to just watch porn and formerly play games when I got excited. I've weened off of gaming and I think it's important to do the same with porn. If I can redirect my dopamine bursts towards other things in life I'll have learned to properly rewire my brain and crave porn less over time.

My rib injury is healing. It only really hurts when I wake up in the mornings. I'm studying for 1-5 hours today and will continue to do chores that I normally haven't done in the past month like laundry and cooking other foods to eat. It took me 4 days to get some energy back. I was in a very dark place last weekend and I finally got out. 

I'm re-reading my diary entries when I want to watch porn and just building new habits to get me against porn. I was still cherishing the porn I was watching. I think you have to destroy the love you have for bad habits even when you know they're not good for you. Just like any relationship. 

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I'm a little frustrated by my rib injury tonight. It hurts a lot more today than it has since the actual injury. I'm wondering if it's because I did so much movement today. 

Today I finally had the emotional strength to take on tasks I haven't done in weeks to maybe 2 months.

I cleaned my car and threw out a garbage bag worth of stuff. I then cleaned my house and took out 2 bags of trash and 1 bag of recycling. I then did 2 loads of laundry. I cooked food and threw away more heavy things from my room.

I then created a place for me to properly study, organized the notes I printed, and went to the store to buy page dividers for my reference manuals. I also talked to my mom for an hour and did some other stuff. When I threw away my trash I found a letter from my current company wishing me luck for when I quit last year. It's such an embarrassing moment in my life to quit and be looked at like a moron. I'm still very angry at myself for quitting last year. I could have bought a house and just enjoyed life there. 

I am able to not worry about this and just enjoy my life now, but seeing that letter from my coworkers made me feel so embarrassed and humiliated that I crumpled it up and threw it into the trash as hard as I could. I think I aggravated my ribs when I did this. 

I'm very tired today. I took a 3 hour nap from 2 to 5 PM after all of this. I had some dinner and then went to the store and organized stuff. It's 8:30 now and I'm very tired again. Sometimes I worry that my rib injury is making me tired and I'm getting sick or something. In all honesty I think it's the most movement I've done in weeks and I'm just tired.

I have about 80-100 hours of material to study and practice over the next 55 days. I think that's reasonable. I can bulk some weekend time for it and do an hour or so per day on week days.

If I could play video games for 8-16 hours per day I can study for 1-3 hours per day. I feel good now that I have all my references organized so I think I'm gonna start studying tomorrow. 

I just feel very off tonight and I am hoping the injury isn't internally bleeding or something. But I have no signs of it and no fever. My doctor also cleared me. I think I'm just overreacting because I'm worried about studying, craving porn, and wanting to eat more food (I'm in a calorie deficit at the moment to help lose weight).

I have a trail walk and dinner tomorrow with friends from like 1-6 PM and I can study in the morning and or night after. I got this. I can do it.

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1 minute ago, Erik2.0 said:

Sounds like you have a good cognitive framework around your battle to get off porn. Stay with it brother.

I'm trying. I have wanted to watch it all day and it's sad. It's tough. I'm craving all of the extreme, unrealistic things that porn provides that distorts reality. But if I can take my mind off of it then I don't crave it. So I think studying is going to actually help me quit porn. The only problem is when I was in college I'd watch porn 2-3 times before sitting down and studying for a test because I was so anxious. It's a challenge to avoid porn before sitting down and it's confusing to use studying as a reason to not watch porn when I spent 10-15 years watching porn as a reason to clear my mind and start studying.

The tables have turned, but have I? We'll see. Tomorrow is 1 week without porn again.

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Relapsed at 7 days again. Boredom got me and made me think about it during the day. I relapsed when I should have been sleeping. 

I'm happy I made it to 7 days but I failed because I didn't commit to studying to clear my mind and I didn't go to bed. Instead I decided to browse and watch porn. 

These are all learning steps. It's the 3rd time this year I've gone at least 7 days without porn. Much better than last year so far. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Good job going seven days, sorry for your relapse. I think the night time can be difficult for nofap. I'd recommend getting up to do something that isn't very stimulating like reading if you're struggling really bad or have been awake for over 30 minutes in bed.

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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Good job going seven days, sorry for your relapse. I think the night time can be difficult for nofap. I'd recommend getting up to do something that isn't very stimulating like reading if you're struggling really bad or have been awake for over 30 minutes in bed.

Thanks. I appreciate it. I'll try better next time. 

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Today I woke up late because of yesterday. I got sad, but then said I wouldn't let failure define me because I haven't before and I won't ever do it. I made breakfast and went on my 10 mile hike with friends. I got dinner with them and then watched Kill Bill because I wanted to watch something non stressful that reminded me of a different time 

I'm exhausted and ready for bed. 

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Today was very stressful, but I stuck to my priorities. I shaved in the morning although i didn't want to do it. I had a very long day at work where I had to manage 4 projects with about 8 people. I had to lead a few meetings and make big decisions all day long. It was tiring.

I got invited to get beer after work, but I declined because I needed to study. I got home and procrastinated a bit, but I laid down after eating dinner and just cleared my mind. After about 1 hour I finally studied for 2 hours. I'm very happy about this. I actually enjoyed studying and problem solving. I think I might actually enjoy this for the next few months.

I won't get too excited since I historically hate studying. But tonight was a good start and I'm happy I got ahead of the game.

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I got invited to get beer after work, but I declined because I needed to study. I got home and procrastinated a bit, but I laid down after eating dinner and just cleared my mind. After about 1 hour I finally studied for 2 hours. I'm very happy about this

I wonder how much of a motivator to study was turning that offer down. I can imagine that in my case, even if I turned down a relatively mediocre offer to go out, I'd make sure I studied.

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6 hours ago, Ikar said:

I wonder how much of a motivator to study was turning that offer down. I can imagine that in my case, even if I turned down a relatively mediocre offer to go out, I'd make sure I studied.

I really wanted to start studying. I need to pass and get this done. I can grab a beer any time. 

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Today was better at work. I got a lot done and it wasn't stressful at all because that moron wasn't there. Unfortunately he's back tomorrow. I'm hoping one of if not both of them get fired at some point. But as long as they're not on my projects I'm fine. 

I went grocery shopping and made dinner. I went to relax before studying, but had a stomach issue and haven't really felt well since. Not that easy to study with weakness, chills, and stomach issues when you're gonna sleep in an hour anyways. I'll rebound tomorrow. 

I didn't sleep well either. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I won't be pursuing that girl I liked anymore. I just don't see it anymore. Kind of disappointing.

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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I won't be pursuing that girl I liked anymore. I just don't see it anymore. Kind of disappointing.

Interesting, did something happen objectively? Or are you just worn out from talking to her?

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5 hours ago, Ikar said:

Interesting, did something happen objectively? Or are you just worn out from talking to her?

I can't describe it really. I just became so distant in that moment and lost all feeling. I was stunned. I just felt like an ocean away in an instant. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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38 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I can't describe it really. I just became so distant in that moment and lost all feeling. I was stunned. I just felt like an ocean away in an instant. 

I learnt from my philosophy/psychology courses that our psyche isn't very stable. If you have fancied her up until now because of your common values, I think you'll be okay once the fog clears.

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Today was fine at work. I got more stuff done and got lunch with my friend and talked to another one later. I came back extremely tired though. I made dinner and then almost fell asleep. I called my mom for her birthday and we talked for a while. My eyes were so tired after work they were watery for hours.

It's nights like this where I'm not able to study. I'm worried I won't be able to study enough for the exam. I have 2 months so clearly I do have time, but it is a reminder that I need to get back on track.

I've been hitting snooze for an hour each morning and taking an hour lunch instead of 30 minutes. Sometimes this adds up to 2 hours of wasted time. I think it would be wise of me to get up at 7, get to work before 8, leave at 4, study til 6, eat dinner, study again after or relax to revitalize myself.

If I study too close to bed I'm wired and can't unwind, which results in poor sleep.

I'll write about this change and let you know how it goes. I also came up with 2 really good stand up comedy bits that I'll consider performing in 4 months. It helped me galvanize a series of dumb conversations I always encounter.

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14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I can't describe it really. I just became so distant in that moment and lost all feeling. I was stunned. I just felt like an ocean away in an instant. 

It comes and goes my friend. You're not going to fall head over heels every time you think of the person you love. Some days you're going to think she's the greatest creation this planet has ever seen, other days she's just going to seem like any other human. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless it's been this way for an extended period of time.

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5 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

It comes and goes my friend. You're not going to fall head over heels every time you think of the person you love. Some days you're going to think she's the greatest creation this planet has ever seen, other days she's just going to seem like any other human. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless it's been this way for an extended period of time.

Thanks for the perspective. I think I get too extreme about liking and disliking people, activities, things, myself, etc. Patience is something I could utilize. 

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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks for the perspective. I think I get too extreme about liking and disliking people, activities, things, myself, etc. Patience is something I could utilize.

Was just about to say the same thing. The studying is important, but you'll do more damage to the results and yourself if you push yourself too hard. You're not a Spartan!

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20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today was fine at work. I got more stuff done and got lunch with my friend and talked to another one later. I came back extremely tired though. I made dinner and then almost fell asleep. I called my mom for her birthday and we talked for a while. My eyes were so tired after work they were watery for hours.

It's nights like this where I'm not able to study. I'm worried I won't be able to study enough for the exam. I have 2 months so clearly I do have time, but it is a reminder that I need to get back on track.

I've been hitting snooze for an hour each morning and taking an hour lunch instead of 30 minutes. Sometimes this adds up to 2 hours of wasted time. I think it would be wise of me to get up at 7, get to work before 8, leave at 4, study til 6, eat dinner, study again after or relax to revitalize myself.

If I study too close to bed I'm wired and can't unwind, which results in poor sleep.

I'll write about this change and let you know how it goes. I also came up with 2 really good stand up comedy bits that I'll consider performing in 4 months. It helped me galvanize a series of dumb conversations I always encounter.

Hey! Good to hear your standup is going well. I can identify with not being able to sleep after certain activities. I try to get off screens meditate and just read books for a couple hours before bed. How's yoga going? 

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3 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Hey! Good to hear your standup is going well. I can identify with not being able to sleep after certain activities. I try to get off screens meditate and just read books for a couple hours before bed. How's yoga going? 

I'm not practicing standup. I just thought of some funny stuff that I think would be good material. MIght just use it in a podcast. I am not doing yoga because of my rib injury.

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