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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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I'm a little frustrated by my rib injury tonight. It hurts a lot more today than it has since the actual injury. I'm wondering if it's because I did so much movement today. 

Today I finally had the emotional strength to take on tasks I haven't done in weeks to maybe 2 months.

I cleaned my car and threw out a garbage bag worth of stuff. I then cleaned my house and took out 2 bags of trash and 1 bag of recycling. I then did 2 loads of laundry. I cooked food and threw away more heavy things from my room.

I then created a place for me to properly study, organized the notes I printed, and went to the store to buy page dividers for my reference manuals. I also talked to my mom for an hour and did some other stuff. When I threw away my trash I found a letter from my current company wishing me luck for when I quit last year. It's such an embarrassing moment in my life to quit and be looked at like a moron. I'm still very angry at myself for quitting last year. I could have bought a house and just enjoyed life there. 

I am able to not worry about this and just enjoy my life now, but seeing that letter from my coworkers made me feel so embarrassed and humiliated that I crumpled it up and threw it into the trash as hard as I could. I think I aggravated my ribs when I did this. 

I'm very tired today. I took a 3 hour nap from 2 to 5 PM after all of this. I had some dinner and then went to the store and organized stuff. It's 8:30 now and I'm very tired again. Sometimes I worry that my rib injury is making me tired and I'm getting sick or something. In all honesty I think it's the most movement I've done in weeks and I'm just tired.

I have about 80-100 hours of material to study and practice over the next 55 days. I think that's reasonable. I can bulk some weekend time for it and do an hour or so per day on week days.

If I could play video games for 8-16 hours per day I can study for 1-3 hours per day. I feel good now that I have all my references organized so I think I'm gonna start studying tomorrow. 

I just feel very off tonight and I am hoping the injury isn't internally bleeding or something. But I have no signs of it and no fever. My doctor also cleared me. I think I'm just overreacting because I'm worried about studying, craving porn, and wanting to eat more food (I'm in a calorie deficit at the moment to help lose weight).

I have a trail walk and dinner tomorrow with friends from like 1-6 PM and I can study in the morning and or night after. I got this. I can do it.

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1 minute ago, Erik2.0 said:

Sounds like you have a good cognitive framework around your battle to get off porn. Stay with it brother.

I'm trying. I have wanted to watch it all day and it's sad. It's tough. I'm craving all of the extreme, unrealistic things that porn provides that distorts reality. But if I can take my mind off of it then I don't crave it. So I think studying is going to actually help me quit porn. The only problem is when I was in college I'd watch porn 2-3 times before sitting down and studying for a test because I was so anxious. It's a challenge to avoid porn before sitting down and it's confusing to use studying as a reason to not watch porn when I spent 10-15 years watching porn as a reason to clear my mind and start studying.

The tables have turned, but have I? We'll see. Tomorrow is 1 week without porn again.

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Relapsed at 7 days again. Boredom got me and made me think about it during the day. I relapsed when I should have been sleeping. 

I'm happy I made it to 7 days but I failed because I didn't commit to studying to clear my mind and I didn't go to bed. Instead I decided to browse and watch porn. 

These are all learning steps. It's the 3rd time this year I've gone at least 7 days without porn. Much better than last year so far. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Good job going seven days, sorry for your relapse. I think the night time can be difficult for nofap. I'd recommend getting up to do something that isn't very stimulating like reading if you're struggling really bad or have been awake for over 30 minutes in bed.

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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Good job going seven days, sorry for your relapse. I think the night time can be difficult for nofap. I'd recommend getting up to do something that isn't very stimulating like reading if you're struggling really bad or have been awake for over 30 minutes in bed.

Thanks. I appreciate it. I'll try better next time. 

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Today I woke up late because of yesterday. I got sad, but then said I wouldn't let failure define me because I haven't before and I won't ever do it. I made breakfast and went on my 10 mile hike with friends. I got dinner with them and then watched Kill Bill because I wanted to watch something non stressful that reminded me of a different time 

I'm exhausted and ready for bed. 

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Today was very stressful, but I stuck to my priorities. I shaved in the morning although i didn't want to do it. I had a very long day at work where I had to manage 4 projects with about 8 people. I had to lead a few meetings and make big decisions all day long. It was tiring.

I got invited to get beer after work, but I declined because I needed to study. I got home and procrastinated a bit, but I laid down after eating dinner and just cleared my mind. After about 1 hour I finally studied for 2 hours. I'm very happy about this. I actually enjoyed studying and problem solving. I think I might actually enjoy this for the next few months.

I won't get too excited since I historically hate studying. But tonight was a good start and I'm happy I got ahead of the game.

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I got invited to get beer after work, but I declined because I needed to study. I got home and procrastinated a bit, but I laid down after eating dinner and just cleared my mind. After about 1 hour I finally studied for 2 hours. I'm very happy about this

I wonder how much of a motivator to study was turning that offer down. I can imagine that in my case, even if I turned down a relatively mediocre offer to go out, I'd make sure I studied.

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6 hours ago, Ikar said:

I wonder how much of a motivator to study was turning that offer down. I can imagine that in my case, even if I turned down a relatively mediocre offer to go out, I'd make sure I studied.

I really wanted to start studying. I need to pass and get this done. I can grab a beer any time. 

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Today was better at work. I got a lot done and it wasn't stressful at all because that moron wasn't there. Unfortunately he's back tomorrow. I'm hoping one of if not both of them get fired at some point. But as long as they're not on my projects I'm fine. 

I went grocery shopping and made dinner. I went to relax before studying, but had a stomach issue and haven't really felt well since. Not that easy to study with weakness, chills, and stomach issues when you're gonna sleep in an hour anyways. I'll rebound tomorrow. 

I didn't sleep well either. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I won't be pursuing that girl I liked anymore. I just don't see it anymore. Kind of disappointing.

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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I won't be pursuing that girl I liked anymore. I just don't see it anymore. Kind of disappointing.

Interesting, did something happen objectively? Or are you just worn out from talking to her?

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5 hours ago, Ikar said:

Interesting, did something happen objectively? Or are you just worn out from talking to her?

I can't describe it really. I just became so distant in that moment and lost all feeling. I was stunned. I just felt like an ocean away in an instant. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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38 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I can't describe it really. I just became so distant in that moment and lost all feeling. I was stunned. I just felt like an ocean away in an instant. 

I learnt from my philosophy/psychology courses that our psyche isn't very stable. If you have fancied her up until now because of your common values, I think you'll be okay once the fog clears.

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Today was fine at work. I got more stuff done and got lunch with my friend and talked to another one later. I came back extremely tired though. I made dinner and then almost fell asleep. I called my mom for her birthday and we talked for a while. My eyes were so tired after work they were watery for hours.

It's nights like this where I'm not able to study. I'm worried I won't be able to study enough for the exam. I have 2 months so clearly I do have time, but it is a reminder that I need to get back on track.

I've been hitting snooze for an hour each morning and taking an hour lunch instead of 30 minutes. Sometimes this adds up to 2 hours of wasted time. I think it would be wise of me to get up at 7, get to work before 8, leave at 4, study til 6, eat dinner, study again after or relax to revitalize myself.

If I study too close to bed I'm wired and can't unwind, which results in poor sleep.

I'll write about this change and let you know how it goes. I also came up with 2 really good stand up comedy bits that I'll consider performing in 4 months. It helped me galvanize a series of dumb conversations I always encounter.

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14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I can't describe it really. I just became so distant in that moment and lost all feeling. I was stunned. I just felt like an ocean away in an instant. 

It comes and goes my friend. You're not going to fall head over heels every time you think of the person you love. Some days you're going to think she's the greatest creation this planet has ever seen, other days she's just going to seem like any other human. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless it's been this way for an extended period of time.

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5 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

It comes and goes my friend. You're not going to fall head over heels every time you think of the person you love. Some days you're going to think she's the greatest creation this planet has ever seen, other days she's just going to seem like any other human. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless it's been this way for an extended period of time.

Thanks for the perspective. I think I get too extreme about liking and disliking people, activities, things, myself, etc. Patience is something I could utilize. 

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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks for the perspective. I think I get too extreme about liking and disliking people, activities, things, myself, etc. Patience is something I could utilize.

Was just about to say the same thing. The studying is important, but you'll do more damage to the results and yourself if you push yourself too hard. You're not a Spartan!

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20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today was fine at work. I got more stuff done and got lunch with my friend and talked to another one later. I came back extremely tired though. I made dinner and then almost fell asleep. I called my mom for her birthday and we talked for a while. My eyes were so tired after work they were watery for hours.

It's nights like this where I'm not able to study. I'm worried I won't be able to study enough for the exam. I have 2 months so clearly I do have time, but it is a reminder that I need to get back on track.

I've been hitting snooze for an hour each morning and taking an hour lunch instead of 30 minutes. Sometimes this adds up to 2 hours of wasted time. I think it would be wise of me to get up at 7, get to work before 8, leave at 4, study til 6, eat dinner, study again after or relax to revitalize myself.

If I study too close to bed I'm wired and can't unwind, which results in poor sleep.

I'll write about this change and let you know how it goes. I also came up with 2 really good stand up comedy bits that I'll consider performing in 4 months. It helped me galvanize a series of dumb conversations I always encounter.

Hey! Good to hear your standup is going well. I can identify with not being able to sleep after certain activities. I try to get off screens meditate and just read books for a couple hours before bed. How's yoga going? 

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3 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Hey! Good to hear your standup is going well. I can identify with not being able to sleep after certain activities. I try to get off screens meditate and just read books for a couple hours before bed. How's yoga going? 

I'm not practicing standup. I just thought of some funny stuff that I think would be good material. MIght just use it in a podcast. I am not doing yoga because of my rib injury.

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Today was nice. I got more stuff done on my projects. I also woke up earlier and got to work earlier so I could leave earlier. I came home, made a lot of food, had a good meal, studied for 2 hours, and watched hockey after. I feel a lot better about today than I did yesterday. Much more energy when I got home than yesterday. That's the result I wanted. I'm gonna keep it up.

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I find myself pretty depleted of energy today and depressed. My tendency is to get angry to pull myself out of it, but I'd like to avoid that also. 

I'm just tired of each weekend going by where I'm alone. I dislike how the people around me aren't depressed and I am. 

It also angers me how a lot of women in my life settle for pathetic losers. I just feel like my chance is coming. I shouldn't be angry either. They deserve any downfalls that result from their decisions and it doesn't affect me either way. 

Another 3 friends of mine are getting engaged. I'm excited to go to their weddings alone as per usual lol.

I don't want anyone responding to this post. I'm just writing it to write it. Just let it stand. 

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22 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm not practicing standup. I just thought of some funny stuff that I think would be good material. MIght just use it in a podcast. I am not doing yoga because of my rib injury.

I didn’t know you’re podcasting? That sounds like a fun hobby. Sorry about your rib. It’s good to hear you’re finding an outlet in your comedy. What’s your work like lately?

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I was feeling down after today. I felt very isolated and alone as I wrote above. I decided to make dinner instead of going out and getting junk food. After that I decided I wanted to watch a movie. I found 50/50 on Netflix and thought it would be a great fit.

This movie was excellent. The acting was amazing, but the premise hit me hard. I related to this character in so many ways. He's unable to express himself emotionally with emotion. You might say that I can express myself well, and I can, as you can tell from my long, well thought out, in-depth posts. There is a difference. How I bury my sadness with anger. How I dissociate from my feelings of vulnerability through a third person perspective and logically explain what I'm feeling and what is impacting it. 

That's great, but I prohibit myself from crying or feeling emotional pain. I had felt it for so long in life that I viewed it as weak, uncharacteristic of someone like myself. Pathetic and shameful. I feel like you should always be able to explain, defend, fight, and talk in times of high emotional stress. I did this because I used to cry and not be able to speak my mind and I was abused because of it. So I took a hardened turn and became hateful. I turned to hate and anger in times of sadness, vulnerability, and pain. 

Through this anger I have isolated myself from the world. I socialize, have friends and am very popular. I am alone. I let nobody in. I am always performing for others. I am not vulnerable in its entirety. I relate to others by talking about difficult things, but I do not allow myself to feel and trust.

The movie is about a man named Adam who gets cancer. He has a girlfriend who is the typical beautiful woman who is self centered. She's nice to people to portray an image of being a perfect instagram social influencer. I picture a woman at work who I hate in all her entirety because they're one in the same. They speak about "energy" of a room or environment and try to swell through the life energy of the earth to bring them balance because they need it and deserve it. They pretend to listen to your problems, but don't care. They have brainwashed themselves into thinking "I listened to their problems. I am such a good person. I'm now going to hold a glass of tea between both hands and feel its warmth. I'll smell the tea and just let it fill my soul because I deserve this and I'm great."

They're fake. These people are fake. Astrology is fake, birth signs are fake bull shit with people just trying to be spiritually interesting. Just trash. The movie portrayed Adam's girlfriend, Rachel, so perfectly that it left me emotionally angry at this woman I know in real life, but vindicated because her description is the movie is my description of her in real life. It brought comfort to me.

Adam has to tell his mother, with whom he has a difficult relationship with because he feels smothered by her. She's overbearing. She wants to protect him and care for him. He never lets her and she just can't control her emotions. She becomes angry, embarrassing, and hysterical almost when it comes to anything with helping him. 

This reminds me of my relationship with my mother. It's well documented in many of my pages how difficult my life with my mother was last year during my time of emotional crisis. Adam realizes she's alone and acting that way because her husband has Alzhiemers' disease. She can't communicate with anyone and her life is miserable.

"The best part of my week was taking you to your chemotherapy appointment."

This reminds me of my mom. She gets me so angry I want to smash everything in sight and scream bloody murder. I'm almost 30, have a full time job, live on my own, no real problems. That's childish. I also have empathy for her as she was abused for decades, treated poorly at work, and was just trying to survive in her own way. 

Adam's inability to feel and express love towards his mother is the same with me. It's only until Adam's in the hospital waiting for surgery where he finally breaks down and cries and tells her he loves her. In that moment she stops being frantic. She calms him down and treats him with respect, with authority, and protection, the way he truly wants his mother to be with him. He had a small percent chance of living through the surgery and it took that much pressure to break his walls down.

This was intense for me. I want the same thing from my mom. I want her to just protect me and be there for me. In her great deal of pain, loss, and suffering she doesn't have that emotional stability that I seem to want. There are so many nights where I just want a hug and to feel better from it. But her frantic lunacy makes me want to crush everything and become irate. Knowing how this prophecy plays out I just get angry before any engagement happens. Because of this knowledge of how our conversations play out I have grown increasingly detached from her. If I don't have feelings for her then I won't care.

But that's escapism as well. I used to hide in video games due to emotional neglect from my parents. I sought gaming for emotional connection with friends because I was so alone. I then turned to porn because I can see women on there and having them care for a man. Many women have "daddy issues" and many men have "mommy issues". It stems from childhood and grows into adulthood. 

Things are getting better with her. We haven't argued in months. I haven't gotten angry at her in months. We're meeting tomorrow for lunch. I think we both just needed time away to heal. We're learning to appreciate each other now and I'm learning to tear away the walls a bit and allow a bond.

The second dynamic I wanted to highlight was Adam's relationship with Rachel and his developing relationship with Katie, his cancer treatment therapist. 

Adam's relationship with Rachel ends when his best friend, Kyle, catches her at an art gallery kissing another man and cheating on Adam. He takes a picture of it and exposes her to Adam. She selfishly tries to defend herself by describing energy issues and other crap that she never communicated with Adam. She would sleep with the other guy during Adam's chemotherapy treatments and not pick him up after they were done, often leaving him behind for several hours waiting. Even when she came back to get her stuff from his apartment she didn't ask him how he was doing. She just started describing how her art shows weren't going well and that she wants to get back together with him. She says some general nice things, but it's to check boxes for her to convince herself she's a genuine person, when she's not. A self-centered narcissist. 

This is where Katie comes in. Katie is purely genuine, caring, and delicate. She's a new doctoral student and Adam is one of her first patients. He can't connect with her at all and often lashes out at her when she's being nice to him.

It reminds me of me. When there's someone who is genuinely being nice to me I don't know how to deal with it. I just want to yell at her to get away because something inside my heart says to trust her, but my anger tells myself to fight my heart, so I lash out and become stolid and quick to end conversation to avoid further pain.

Through multiple appointments they become closer. After a while Adam has a conversation with Kyle while they're drinking. Kyle says he hates all of Adam's girlfriends because they're so needy. All of them are needy, self centered, and suck the life out of everyone and everything around them.

Once again, I relate entirely. The only women who I have emotionally connected with are attention seeking, self centered, fake, not genuine, and offensive. It has made me feel like I can never fall in love nor would I ever want to fall in love. It's instilled a hatred within me almost. A firewall. 

The next time Adam sees Katie he mentions they broke up. After a great time together Katie mentions that not all relationships are bad. Sometimes there are women who care and are genuine. They're not needy. They're real and equal. They share their burden with you and share your burden with them and appreciate the trust and show love and value.

Adam falls for women like Rachel because he can keep providing them support in ways he can never get. It's like how some people only help others because they want help from others. When people in an argument say "I don't want to talk about it." but they really just want to talk about it. 

Adam doesn't believe someone will provide the same commitment and happiness to him that he gives to others. He's cynical and often thinks nobody cares about him. Adam makes fun of Kyle and gets angry at him. He gets angry at his mom, Rachel, and Katie. Rachel was deserved, but when Kyle, Katie, and his mom offer to help him he often cuts them down because he's convinced himself that they're just using him to progress their lives.

He thinks Katie is just being nice to him so she can write a good thesis about his cancer prognosis and get her doctorate. He thinks Kyle only hangs out with him so he can use him as a wingman to have sex with women at bars. He thinks his mother is just using him to take out her frustrations from having a miserable life.

That's where this movie is beautiful.

You see the movie through Adam's eyes. Before Adam has surgery he gets drunk with Kyle. He freaks out after they drink and tries to kill himself. Kyle saves his life. Adam calls Katie and tells her she'd make a great girlfriend and reveals he's having surgery. She slightly opens up to him even though they both know they like each other.

Kyle and Adam get back to Kyle's apartment where Kyle has a book in his bathroom titled "Getting Through Cancer Together - For Friends." This is important for two reasons. The first reason is Kyle used Adam's cancer prognosis to get a bookstore employee's number. You see this through Adam's eyes so you think his friend is using him for pussy. The second thing is you see this through Adam's eyes. You realize with Adam that Kyle cares and is trying his best to be a good friend for Adam. It's at that moment Adam truly loves his friend Kyle for the person he is.

Another moment like this is when Adam's mother reveals she's going to group therapy each week for mothers of children with cancer. The viewer finds out through Adam's eyes once again that his perception of her is wrong. She isn't using him. She loves him and he finally accepts it. My mother isn't using me to make her life better. She actually loves me and has sacrificed everything for me to the point of her own misery. It's so painful to watch because it's like watching my life.

Adam lives through the surgery, keeps his friendship, and gets Katie as his girlfriend. It's a great movie. It has made me realize that I assume too much about people and am so negative. I'm so very negative and it hurts so much to see. I have convinced myself that everyone uses me. I have no real friends and family. No such thing as love because women only want to use me. I have become Adam. 

It's funny because in the beginning few moments of the movie Adam gets his cancer diagnosis. He asks the doctor how he could have gotten cancer because he doesn't drink, do drugs, or exposed to anything bad.

Symbolically, if you look at what I mentioned above with him convincing himself the world is terrible and people are terrible, he has honestly given himself cancer. No, he doesn't take any substances or anything, but he's poisoned his heart with these false notions about the ones he surrounds himself with. It's only until he learns to love Kyle, his mom, and Katie, that his cancer surgery is a success and he lives a happy life.

I loved this movie.

On another note, this movie made me cry tonight. I lost a very close friend 4 years ago to the very same form of cancer that Adam had. I didn't know how to deal with it. I cried once for a little, but I forced myself. I then buried it with anger. I hated how she was so misunderstood by her family. They got some cheap priest to say nice things about her at the funeral that had nothing to do with her. She loved video games, cartoons, anime, life, traveling, and more. He said she loved sports and her family. It killed me to see how little her family understood her.

Her "husband" treated her like shit for so long before they started officially dating. Sleeping with her roommate, being a fake person, and finding a girlfriend within 3 weeks of my friend's death. I couldn't feel sad at her death. I was so angry at her family, her husband, and her unfair hand at life that she had to die at 24 years old. It wasn't fair. 

4 years later I watched this movie and I started to cry very hard. I allowed myself to cry. You can prevent yourself from crying if you get angry enough when you feel the flush of emotions fill your sinus cavity between your eyes and your nose. This time I released and did not get angry. I miss her very much. She was such a fantastic person and was a real friend to me. A type of friend I feel so proud to have had. I didn't appreciate her enough and feel bad about that. It makes me think how I don't appreciate a lot of my friends and just hate them because I'm alone in my house and think they're off being happy without me. That might be the case with some, but not for all. I have to remember that.

I think tonight I've healed a little from her death after 4 years. Maybe I love my mom more as well. And maybe I believe I can date this girl I really like. My time is coming. My perspective must change.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. You can comment on this one. I was just in a bad mood earlier. You still can't comment on that other one though.

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Hi- 

 

Wow thank you for sharing. I would like to watch the movie now, as it seems to illuminate relationship dynamics so well. 
 

I am so sorry for your pain. Childhood trauma and neglect are pervasive and affect the way we engage in all our relationships. 
 

You were not able to cry as a child, because of neglect and it’s absolutely devastating. You wear a mask because this is what you have to do to survive. 
 

But it’s ok. Ok to cry and feel whatever emotion comes up. Everything you feel is valid and needs to be fully expressed. 
 

I see you my friend. 

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