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BooksandTrees

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26 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Yeah man, that's quite a predicament you have yourself there. I think with the boredom aspect of it, that might change as you develop your skills in 3D modeling, if you choose to continue with it. Improv didn't start getting fun for me until I started to put the pieces together in a coherent manner, and that took nearly a year. That said, if it is causing you to relapse into watching porn, maybe table the hobby for a bit while you get porn under control. You could always go back to it later, and I'm sure there's some other artistic outlet that could fill that void in the meantime. The porn issue does seem pretty important though, and if I were in your scenario, my cost-benefit analysis would be in favor of avoiding potential cues for the porn habit. Same reasoning behind quitting video games really, in my opinion.

Also, I want to add I think you're brave for opening up and sharing as much as you do. It's a real boon to the forums here. I think a surprising amount of people can relate on some level to what you're going through, and it's helpful for others to consider and contemplate.

Thank you. I appreciate it. I enjoy being honest and hope it helps encourage people to open up more. 

I need to reevaluate my hobbies and desire for animation. I want to be creative and make funny animations. Porn just overtakes my mind and body. I'm going to discuss this with my therapist tomorrow. 

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Good point. I definitely got aroused by some game characters as well. It is extremely hard not to, because it goes against our (at least male) nature. I think it was in one of Manson's articles where I read that everything that can turns into a soft-core version of porn over time. If it doesn't have the physical aspect we can see to arouse us (women in series, games etc.), then it at least arouses us psychologically (e.g. news - the bulwark of negativity).

It gets the eyeballs and it sells. So then, after getting our fix, we're satisfied. So after giving our attention to porn, we do not give that attention and start talking to that nice looking woman that happened to be near us for a while. Porn can't judge us. It won't call us a creep for admiring women that look good. It has a 0% rejection rate as well. In a relationship, I think that's why many women equate porn and infidelity. They want you to want them and nobody else.

I went to the gym yesterday and there happened to be one nice looking girl exercising as well. We were alone. I made the point that if I am to spend the next 30-45 minutes exercising in the same room, I'd rather stop pretending that she doesn't interest me at all (while using all my willpower on it and still taking nervous glances at her), so I spoke with her in the end. I could've done the inverse, as some sort of a "test of willpower", but I feel that sort of tactical win would go against the strategic goal of me getting into a relationship.

Long story short, staring is impolite (porn), talking to other human being that intrigues you (women) in order to create an interesting experience for both of you is not.

If you want to express yourself sexually in 3D modelling, then do it. I think it beats watching porn by a landslide. But if you use modelling as an excuse to watch porn, then you know what to do.

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This week has been tough so far. I've watched porn a lot. I watched porn 4 times Friday, 2 times Saturday, 4 times Sunday, 4 times Monday, and 2 times today.
 
There's a couple reasons I'm doing it.
 
  1. I'm very stressed out about taking this huge exam.
  2. I'm lonely want want a girlfriend. I've been frustrated for so long.
  3. My other hobbies I'm making too complicated. Instead of just making a fun video for YouTube I sit there taking hours of lessons to learn things I may never use. I'm turning it into work and that work is stressing me out instead of letting me be creative and fun.
  4. I watch out of self pity. I think it will make me feel better or maybe just sit there in my own depression
  5. I watch after watching because of frustration
  6. I'm not being accountable enough with myself. I'm not even attempting to stop watching. It's become a habit again.
I've kept other good habits strong. I get my 8 hours of sleep, I eat 3 meals a day, I drink water, I'm socializing, reading books, working full time, I'm exercising 3 days per week, and going to therapy. 
 
I think this just comes down to me overcoming this and being more focused.
 
After talking to my therapist we've come up with a plan:
 
  1. Don't focus on the creative hobbies right now until after my exam is over on April 23rd. Right now it's time to get this out of the way and I'm good at this stuff.
    1. I talked about how I was watching porn after watching. He said it's because I'm making hobbies too hard to enjoy. I'm treating them like work, getting frustrated, and just going to watch porn instead of making something creative. I'm learning hundreds of hours worth of stuff and not actually doing anything with it. I'm looking for release. Porn gives me emotional release. So I'm battling through learning stuff and then just being miserable until I get release from porn.
    2. This is why rock climbing hasn't let me down, but boxing did. Boxing was all learning and training with no reward other than exercise. Rock climbing I learn, then immediately practice, socialize, have fun, and get stronger. 
    3. I can do this with art and making videos, but I can't keep treating hobbies like having a college curriculum. It's time to get some results.
  2. Keep up the other good habits so I don't fall lower than I already have.
  3. Maybe add another day or two of exercise.
  4. Fight harder to quit porn than I already have. Leave reminders that it's not worth watching.
  5. Focus on dating after passing my exam. Spend time with the kinds of women I want, even if they have a boyfriend. I know plenty of women who have left their boyfriend for a guy they have more in common with, so don't close doors unless it's guaranteed they're an item. Even my mom left her boyfriend for my dad and were married for 30 years.
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Hi @BooksandTrees! I think your therapist told you the right thing. Don't waste your time wandering around, get this exam out of the way! You didn't fall lower, you improved a lot, believe me. I have faith in you, keep going, stick to your good habits so they become your second nature.

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1 hour ago, Vera said:

Hi @BooksandTrees! I think your therapist told you the right thing. Don't waste your time wandering around, get this exam out of the way! You didn't fall lower, you improved a lot, believe me. I have faith in you, keep going, stick to your good habits so they become your second nature.

Thank you. I'll try. 

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On 2/11/2020 at 4:04 AM, Ikar said:

I read that everything that can turns into a soft-core version of porn over time.

Cool observation; seems to hold up. Whenever a new social media app pops up who quickly rises to the top? Women in bikinis and men with 12% body fat acting dumb. Lol. Didn't take long at all for "esports" commentary and streaming sites to become basically porn channels. I read an interesting article earlier today about how the world wasn't always like this... the ancients prized engineering and scientific skill over throwaway gimmicks like iphones and forgettable music. From a practical perspective, we haven't even advanced that far in the last 2,000 years. Electricity and computers certainly changed the game but what have we really done with them that ancient mathematicians weren't doing? (I'm purposefully being simplistic here, we could obviously list a million things that have enhanced people's lives but overall we use modern technology to produce an endless amount of toys that are designed to break every 6 months) 

Sorry I'm bored at work and went on a tangent. Lol.

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28 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

Cool observation; seems to hold up. Whenever a new social media app pops up who quickly rises to the top? Women in bikinis and men with 12% body fat acting dumb. Lol. Didn't take long at all for "esports" commentary and streaming sites to become basically porn channels. I read an interesting article earlier today about how the world wasn't always like this... the ancients prized engineering and scientific skill over throwaway gimmicks like iphones and forgettable music. From a practical perspective, we haven't even advanced that far in the last 2,000 years. Electricity and computers certainly changed the game but what have we really done with them that ancient mathematicians weren't doing? (I'm purposefully being simplistic here, we could obviously list a million things that have enhanced people's lives but overall we use modern technology to produce an endless amount of toys that are designed to break every 6 months) 

Sorry I'm bored at work and went on a tangent. Lol.

It's true. It's hard to avoid and very stupid. It's just infiltrating our minds. I'm gonna try harder this time to stop. I noticed how little energy I have now because of the binge I went on. 

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Sex sells. That's been true for centuries. It's no less addicting than gaming, fast food, etc. It's an urge that most of us have and for many there is a constant need for it. It's just that society worships that addiction.

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I've been having success with Nofap from the small amount I read on their site and keeping a counter on here. Typing NF day 1 I think helped a lot. People are built to want to hold onto what they have already gained more strongly than pursuing something more. So each day you get under your belt you'll be increasingly more motivated to do nofap.

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I'm burnt out and tired. I'm doing every task at work because the spare junior engineers don't do their work so my managers don't trust them. I don't blame them, but I'm overwhelmed. Just discipline these kids or fire them. Do something. 

It's making me frustrated and I'm too tired to do anything after work. Like, I should go and study after work, but I'm burnt out and don't want to study. I don't want to do anything. I feel better after exercising, but I don't want to exercise. 

I just think it's bull shit that I have to exercise in order to gain my energy back after a long day. This is why I watch porn. It's difficult to not watch it. I just read an article about a polyamorous relationship searching for a house together. Can you imagine the sex? What a fantasy this guy is living... I'm so jealous. 

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24 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm burnt out and tired. I'm doing every task at work because the spare junior engineers don't do their work so my managers don't trust them. I don't blame them, but I'm overwhelmed. Just discipline these kids or fire them. Do something. 

They will, if they keep doing nothing. Why would they pay employees that do nothing?

28 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I just read an article about a polyamorous relationship searching for a house together. Can you imagine the sex? What a fantasy this guy is living... I'm so jealous. 

I can imagine that after a day of 9-5, if I have the energy to have sex, I'd crash asleep instantly after it!

Focus on yourself and you'll be fine 🙂

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Today was a long day. I got home late after doing a lot at work. I feel very burned out as mentioned above. I'm going to end the week strong and make sure I don't relapse this weekend. 2 days without porn now. 

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Good job nofapping keep up the good work. It’s natural for men to have erections at night so if that happens don’t worry about just keep calm and nofap on.

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Today I'm 69 (nice) weeks away from video games. Unfortunately, I got hurt rock climbing today. I had climbed 4 routes and went to climb my 5th. I climbed something I couldn't climb on Wednesday on my first try, but as I was coming down I got scared and jumped off, landed awkwardly, and hurt my ribcage. I rolled my right ankle, but didn't break it. The ribs are what hurt the most. My friend is a nurse so she was climbing with me and tested me. I had no broken bones. It just hurt to cough. So I left to prevent any further injury. 

I went to the urgent care clinic as the pain was getting worse, but the wait for a doctor was 2 hours because every retard was there with their fucking children because of a cold or flu. Like, if you have a severe cold or flu you should take over the counter medicine for 4-7 days, drink lots of water, eat easily digestible foods, plenty of soup for the additional fluids and warmth, and rest. Some of them were saying they never take medicine or get vaccines. Mankind has worked for thousands of years in every culture to develop medicine to aid you in pain and illness. That's something no animals have. Actually, I take that back, some animals eat specific foods when they are sick. Just stupid.

Point is, I had to wait 2 hours to see someone, so I left. I called my dad who was a paramedic for 25 years and he had me do a few tests to rule out a punctured lung, broken bone, or anything else. Breathing does not hurt at all, which was the main concern. So I'm just resting now and taking some advil.

I did masturbate this week, but in total I only masturbated 3 times, which was 15 less than last week. So I'm very proud of myself for making that kind of progress. Work was better as well. I'm also enjoying my book a lot. I'm on the 3rd book of my trilogy with only 200 pages left. I haven't read like this since I was in 5th grade reading 'A Series of Unfortunate Events'. 

I got some more study material and will begin tomorrow. I feel more organized and ready to begin. I'm also beginning 2 weeks earlier than suggested because I don't plan on studying every day for 2-3 hours. That's not real. I wanted to study during this week and next to figure out a correct pace and gauge how the next 8 weeks will go before the exam. I'm determined to pass, but not a moron.

I'm still finding that after rock climbing I have nothing to look forward to doing. I don't want to do any chores or tasks for myself. This means I'm still battling through some depression. I'm concerned how my inability to rock climb or do yoga for 2-5 weeks will impact my health. Oh well. I'll deal with it. The only thing I've been looking forward to is reading, climbing, and sleeping.

I'm serving a reminder to everyone in the game quitters community that sometimes you can be at 69 weeks and still have a lack of things to do and look forward to doing, even when you keep trying stuff. But I'm still moving forward and not getting urges. You can, too.

Thanks

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54 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Nice post. What’re you reading? Meditation is a nice way to use time that’s not very physical maybe that could help.

I'm still reading the red rising series by Pierce Brown. It's great. I've never fallen in love with a series like this. 

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I think I'm going to rearrange how I'm quitting porn. I could quit cold Turkey with games, but porn is more difficult. I think if I do watch it I make sure it's 1 hour before bed. That includes regular masturbation. If I do it during the day I feel high and unable to focus after and it's not productive. That leads to tiredness and depression. Over time I'll phase out porn through my reading and exercise before bed, which has worked. 

Boredom has made me suffer relapses recently. 

This makes me question my expectations from happiness and spending time during the day. I find that I enjoy committing myself fully to something in a very hardcore manner. That's not realistic. You can't cook hardcore or read or exercise. You can work hard, but not exercise for 10 hours straight. 

I don't enjoy doing multiple things. I enjoy doing only one thing over and over again. I think that makes sense when you analyze how I was a professional gamer in a game where the format never changes. Or how I was addicted to doing 1 skill at a time in runescape and hated doing quests because it felt like work. Like I enjoy mindless, monotonous tasks for long periods of time. 

Then out of nowhere I hate those tasks and want to do creative, dynamic things like animation, writing, and traveling. 

I really wish I could understand myself better and know when I want to do which task and how to accept the fact that I'll do it and not be anxious about spending time. 

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I've spent the past few hours reading my private journals about porn addiction and revising them. I think I was not accurately explaining why I'm watching porn correctly. It basically comes down to Boredom, Loneliness, Escapism from depression, frustration, and anxiety, Shame, and media. 

Porn is making me very lazy though. In fact, I don't really even want to finish writing this post. I need to relax a little and not relapse. I wrote my personal strategy to quit so that's fine for now. I don't want to just copy and paste it in here.

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Sometimes when I feel like I'm too drained and depressed to do anything, I force myself to go for a walk with the idea that all you have to do is put one foot out the front door and you'll be off.

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22 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm still reading the red rising series by Pierce Brown. It's great. I've never fallen in love with a series like this. 

Looks like a good sci fi series. I hope Darrow is doing well. 

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I really need to quit porn. I installed a blocker and put a giant stop sign on my phone. I need to take a proactive path on quitting porn. I want you all to look at how I view my time in life so you can see why I'm watching porn. It's not all to do with loneliness or stuff like that.

  1. I get tired at how much I can do in one day. Although I've quit games for 69 weeks I still have trouble with how to spend my day. It exhausts me. I like doing something for a long period of time. It stresses me out trying to plan tons of activities to fill my day. This stress frustrates me and makes me tired and depressed. I don't enjoy doing a lot in one day.
    1. Saturdays and Sundays: 16 hours of day.
      1. 3 meals = 1.5 hours. Exercise = 2 hours. A movie = 2.5 hours. Reading = 1 hour. Studying = 4 hours. Talking on the phone = 2 hours. Chores = 1 hour. Animation = 1 hour.
    2. Weekdays after working for 9 hours:
      1. 1 hour of exercise. 1 hour of cooking and eating. 1 hour of reading. 2 hours of studying. 1 hour of a hobby or relaxing etc.

Do you guys see how and why I'm struggling? It's daunting to just fill that time with stuff. I get anxiety trying to fill that schedule up. All of this takes so much energy. I got stressed out listing my weekend activities on this post because I didn't know how to fill my time properly. 

Porn and masturbation allows me to release my stress from planning these days. Life was so much easier with video games. My porn usage has increased by almost 4 times since quitting games because of the amount of stress I need to release. I am so tired from planning and learning. I'm just fighting to fill my day and get it over with instead of actually enjoying the day. I don't enjoy my days. I view my time as a burden and need to get through it. It's awful. Nothing makes me eager to leave my bed in the morning. Everything feels like work. 

Some people would get excited to do all of those things in a day like I listed. I loathe it. I view it as such a hassle. It's a burden. It's exhausting. Porn lets me just sit there and not thing. I can just relax.

If you guys notice I don't really relax here either. I don't know how to relax. Maybe I can sit down and listen to music? I don't know. There's nothing I enjoy doing. I don't enjoy my life and it makes me sad that I don't enjoy life. Depression isn't the reason I'm not enjoying life. This is why I don't take medicine. I am just not generally interested in anything besides hockey, rock climbing, and porn. 

Let me know what you think.

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Yeah, I feel you. I kinda feel the same about scheduling things, stress, and depression. It shouldn't take that much energy though, but I guess that's just depression. 

It kind of dawned on me today that I've spent the past twenty years in various states of depression, and all of a sudden I'm expecting myself to have all the life-skills and habits built up to fight that. I've really only made any significant progress towards this in the past year, and there's still a lot of work left to do. 

Really, the best we can keep doing is experimenting and see what works and what doesn't. 

Out of curiosity, what would an ideal Saturday or Sunday, just for you, look like? Does that line up at all with what you have written down? Is there anything that you could change that would make your days off look more like something you'd be happy to experience?

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35 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Out of curiosity, what would an ideal Saturday or Sunday, just for you, look like? Does that line up at all with what you have written down? Is there anything that you could change that would make your days off look more like something you'd be happy to experience?

I honestly just wish it didn't matter. I put so much pressure on myself to live ther right way. I miss being a kid and just playing when my chores and homework was done. I now structure my days so I feel complete and make the day go by. I wish I had love from someone who would remind me that life can be enjoyed. 

I'm utterly alone and miserable. There's no community I believe in or enjoy being a part of anymore. I can't handle being alone because of my pain. 

To answer your question: I wish I didn't care. I wish I could just have a little project to work on for like 2 weeks and then do a different one. Some nights I'd love to just be with a wife. Hold her, love her,  cherish her, feel my heart smile, make dinner, talk, watch tv, kiss, fuck, relax. Wake up the next day with something to look forward to doing. 

I don't look forward right now because I'm stressed about the exam. Then I'll need to find a new apartment. Then move. I can't freely enjoy activities. These past 2 years have hurt my spirit. I need love. I don't have it.

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