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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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I ate a lot of junk food tonight because I was sad and lonely. I regret this. I was also going to watch porn, but I stopped and didn't. I watched a movie instead. 

I'm sad and lonely, but I can do this. 

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Today I'm 72 weeks free from gaming. This week has been tough because of how much has been expected out of me by work. I had two projects thrown on me at once on top of two other projects. Engineering is strange because it's such a love/hate relationship. People are looking for good engineers who don't slack off, waste time at work, talk all day, do lazy jobs, etc. Once you show that you're not a lazy engineer every manager will want you on their project. It's a good feeling, but can cause some exhaustion. I'm noticing this on both sides. I'm running projects and I'm tired of people putting in minimal effort. I can't express enthusiasm with them when they try to act happy around me because I'm so utterly disappointed in their work. It has made me stop talking to a few people in the office. The funny thing is they don't even care that I'm not talking to them. Just another example of people being self-centered.

This stress is kind of causing me to need to relax and reduce stress outside of work. I had some decent methods, but my rib and back injuries over the past 3 weeks have immobilized me. I can't bend over or twist. It's angering me because I had my doctor's appointment last Thursday to confirm nothing was wrong with my ribs. I fully healed from the ribs on Monday, woke up on Tuesday with back pain and then it just kept getting worse all day. It has gotten worse all week. I'm so frustrated by this.

Studying has gone well. I have managed to study for all but 2 days this week. It's been my most productive week on that front. Today I woke up, cleaned, then studied for 2 hours. Unfortunately, I kept thinking about porn while the boring parts of studying occurred. I wasn't aroused. I was just bored. So after 2 hours I just went right into bed to watch porn. I followed that up by getting extremely lethargic, tired, depressed, and upset with myself. I ate food, walked around my house, then just slept for 2 hours out of depression.

I'm keeping a mini diary outside of this one which just calculates how often I relapse, why I'm relapsing, and how I feel afterwards. I did this with video games and it was effective in helping me quit gaming. I think I'm just still upset over how lonely I am and not being able to see friends on Friday because of my allergies. Everyone has a fucking cat or dog and it's so frustrating. This pissed me off on dating apps as well. Every chick has a FUCKING DOG. "LOOKING FOR MY DOG DAD" Fuck off. It's out of my control and not my right to criticize people for owning something. I just get frustrated that every woman I meet either has a cat or a dog. They just vomit their animal photos at you. Then they get repulsed and offended that you don't have one or can't be with them. They withdraw from you like you're a fucking leper. It just makes me feel terrible. Allergy medication doesn't work. My allergies are too severe and induce asthma. It's not a sneezing thing. I can't breathe around them. 

Sometimes I think I'm studying out of anger. I think it's true. Not many careers just keep having these progress marks where you have to keep passing tests. It's exhausting and causes burnout. I totally understand why I'm looking for escape. The issue is I enjoy the career. I'm good at it, I have the sight for it, I like doing calculations and problem solving, I like improving our infrastructure to help people and make our environment better. This test looming is just making me angry. If I miss a day of studying I'm so evil and cruel to myself. I'm very unforgiving and mean. I'm not as mean as I used to be in years past, but it's almost eye opening because I'm noticing how mean I am to myself now and remembering how mean I was to myself 5 years ago. It's no wonder I have self esteem problems. I'm going to continue working on them.

It's only 6 weeks away and then I'll have to wait another 6 weeks to see if I passed or failed. 

I still have 8 hours before bed to study 4 hours of material so should I really be upset with myself? No. This is my most productive Saturday because I didn't study on any other Saturday out of stress and panic attacks. So I'm proud of myself for that. Let's keep it going. I'm sorry for yelling at myself and will keep going.

Side note, I watched "The Art of Self Defense" last night. I am starting to enjoy making Friday nights a movie night. There's a lot of indie movies out there that I never get a chance to see since there are so many blockbusters thrown in my face. The plot isn't as deep as other movies, but that's the point. It's just an instantaneous look at Casey's life as he experiences tragedy, overcomes it, learns to express himself, and becomes his own person for the first time in his life. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I am so sorry to hear what you are going through recently. I just read your first post and skipped through a few of your diary pages.
You are strong and I am sure you can do it! It is amazing what you already achieved and it is okay to feel bad and down and complain about how much life sucks sometimes! >.<
It seems to me, that you are a very sensitive person. Which is good, but also can make it easy to be hurt by others or yourself.

What do you plan to do tomorrow (sunday)? Will you draw something perhaps? Do you show off your art somewhere? 🙂
(Sorry if you already mentioned that before, I only read a few posts from you.)
Perhaps you are so tense because you work too much... inner tension can make your body tense and hurting, too. But I guess you know that...

Do you plan to invite people over for the movie night?

Edited by Pythonian
grammarrr
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21 minutes ago, Pythonian said:

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through recently. I just read your first post and skipped through a few of your diary pages.
You are strong and I am sure you can do it! It is amazing what you already achieved and it is okay to feel bad and down and complain about how much life sucks sometimes! >.<
It seems to me, that you are a very sensitive person. Which is good, but also can make it easy to be hurt by others or yourself.

What do you plan to do tomorrow (sunday)? Will you draw something perhaps? Do you show off your art somewhere? 🙂
(Sorry if you already mentioned that before, I only read a few posts from you.)
Perhaps you are so tense because you work too much... inner tension can make your body tense and hurting, too. But I guess you know that...

Do you plan to invite people over for the movie night?

Thank you! I never thought of inviting friends over for movie night. Maybe that could be a fun way for me to be with others. I'm always looking for a new way to spend time with friends without spending money like beer and food at a restaurant.

Tomorrow I need to study. I have to study 6-8 hours each day on weekends in order to meet my goal for the exam. It's the class I paid for and signed up for so I can't change that. I haven't had time to do much art so I haven't put it anywhere. After my exam I'll do it though.

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33 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

If I miss a day of studying I'm so evil and cruel to myself. I'm very unforgiving and mean. I'm not as mean as I used to be in years past, but it's almost eye opening because I'm noticing how mean I am to myself now and remembering how mean I was to myself 5 years ago. It's no wonder I have self esteem problems. I'm going to continue working on them.

Man, this is so me. I can really see myself in this description. The problem with that, is that this attitude is a means to never be satisfied. You can always learn something new. You can always improve. We will never reach the level of complete knowledge. So there will be things, we cannot do. Time is the issue here. Regarding time, I don't think that the amount of hours is important in any way regarding your study success. What matters, is your mental energy, your motivation/momentum and what you enjoy. It is about making smart decisions and being proud of yourself. 

Would you also be as unforgiving and mean to a family member, you really love dearly?

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18 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

Would you also be as unforgiving and mean to a family member, you really love dearly?

Yes. When my family members mess up I explicitly explain in painful detail how they're messing up, why they're messing up, and what the result of their messing up is causing. I don't always do this. I only do it if they come to me with their problems. 

I don't really like to beat around the bush with people who make the same mistakes over and over again. If you mess up once or twice I won't be a pain. If you mess up for months straight and complain about it for months straight I'm going to absolutely hammer you with truthful criticism in hopes of breaking it into your head so you stop messing up. I did this with my mom and dad and it worked with their issues.

They complain about not finding the right person. I am sympathetic for months. Nothing changes. I offer suggestions, nothing changes. I then sit there, explain how they need to research themselves, study why they go wrong, what the results are, and implement change. Similar to that self diagnostic I posted in the guide I wrote on how to quit gaming in my 500 day post.

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

This pissed me off on dating apps as well. Every chick has a FUCKING DOG. "LOOKING FOR MY DOG DAD" Fuck off. It's out of my control and not my right to criticize people for owning something. I just get frustrated that every woman I meet either has a cat or a dog. They just vomit their animal photos at you.

It's a shame that you have the allergy. What's interesting is that dogs are often reflection of the people that have them.

From what I recall, my ex was supposed to be in charge of her family's dachshund for a couple of years. That dog was unpredictable and aggressive towards literally any and all strangers, such as the postman or me. When I was at their house, I was generally confined to the area where it wasn't present. I literally had to ask to pee or to get a glass of water, otherwise either the dachshund or I was risking health. Coming to think of it, it was a fairly surreal situation.

I imagine ten years down the road, this "chicks with dogs" category would slowly transform into "chicks with kids" category. I think of the dog as a mini-baby. Dogs also don't have the ability to participate in some weird subconscious psychological warfare. So I think if I meet a girl, with a dog I genuinely like, I think the chances that the girl will like me back is very high. I have a reason to believe it works that way with kids, as my older friend is currently dating a divorced single mom and we talked about this.

Edited by Ikar
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19 minutes ago, Ikar said:

It's a shame that you have the allergy. What's interesting is that dogs are often reflection of the people that have them.

From what I recall, my ex was supposed to be in charge of her family's dachshund for a couple of years. That dog was unpredictable and aggressive towards literally any and all strangers, such as the postman or me. When I was at their house, I was generally confined to the area where it wasn't present. I literally had to ask to pee or to get a glass of water, otherwise either the dachshund or I was risking health. Coming to think of it, it was a fairly surreal situation.

I imagine ten years down the road, this "chicks with dogs" category would slowly transform into "chicks with kids" category. I think of the dog as a mini-baby. Dogs also don't have the ability to participate in some weird subconscious psychological warfare. So I think if I meet a girl, with a dog I genuinely like, I think the chances that the girl will like me back is very high. I have a reason to believe it works that way with kids, as my older friend is currently dating a divorced single mom and we talked about this.

You're spot on. Children are also a reflection of their parents. Products of their environments. I'm hoping to find someone in my 30s. Who knows lol.

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I studied for about 5 hours today. I'm disappointed I didn't do the 8 hours, but I can do more tomorrow. The porn really derailed my efforts today, but I understand why I watched the porn. I need some time away from studying so I'm not upset or depressed. I'm gonna stop studying for tonight since it's 10 PM. I can study again tomorrow and I will be caught up by Monday or Tuesday. I've gained significant ground this week. 

I really hope I pass this test. I just can't help but feel so under prepared and always have this sinking feeling. I requested the full week of the exam off from work for some time to relax and do practice exams, etc.

I don't want to worry about deadlines during the week of the exam. Others don't do this, but I don't care about them. I want to win.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I also don't really enjoy living alone in a house. I mentioned before about being afraid some nights. It makes me question if I really want to own a singular house and live alone next year. I think having an attached condo might be a better idea for a sense of community. Who knows. Maybe a smaller one. The one I'm renting now is beautiful and large. It's a 4 bedroom home and I'm alone in it. I miss having roommates for this reason. I could live in a 4 room house with 1 bed, 1 living room, 1 bathroom, and 1 kitchen. This one is way larger. Who knows.

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I second the notion to have a movie night at your place. Sounds like a good idea to me that could become a regular thing for a cool crew of people. From what I've seen with my christian group, it can really become a regular thing to have group meetings once a week. Sorry about your allergy I hope you find a good life for yourself despite working with that. You have a lot of space out there in your home. It could be good for entertaining. Are your injuries from rock climbing? I can't do that because it hurts my back.

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4 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I second the notion to have a movie night at your place. Sounds like a good idea to me that could become a regular thing for a cool crew of people. From what I've seen with my christian group, it can really become a regular thing to have group meetings once a week. Sorry about your allergy I hope you find a good life for yourself despite working with that. You have a lot of space out there in your home. It could be good for entertaining. Are your injuries from rock climbing? I can't do that because it hurts my back.

Yes, they are from climbing. I appreciate the comments. I'll start thinking of movie night.

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Today was an up and down day. I was so exhausted after studying yesterday that I just needed some destressing. So I watched movies until 3 AM and woke up at 12. I'm so tired. I saw my mom for 2 hours and then took a nap. I then ate some food that I hadn't made before and really liked it. I then talked to my dad for 3 hours on the phone which really helped me feel better.

I don't think studying every day is healthy for me. I'm going to take a break every 3rd day and just have fun and enjoy myself. Living life is too important and it's not possible to torture myself like this and succeed.

All of the movies I've been watching have had romance components that I've been drawn towards over any other plot component. It's very clear I'm seeking love and happiness. I had more anxiety tonight because I felt happy after watching a movie. I watched Police Academy. It's a 1980's comedy. I like 80s movies because they're fun, less stress, and have a happy vibe to them. It's something society lacks today. Everything is so serious in films it seems. I was happy after the movie, but being happy made me realize I'll die one day so I had an anxiety attack about not existing anymore.

I think video games, porn, depression, and other bad habits have helped me forget the fact that I'm mortal and soothes my fears. Unfortunately, it has held me back from being happy and meeting new women. I want women in my life. I want happiness. I can't let fear hold me back. It's going to happen regardless of what I do and I want to live.

I'll continue studying tomorrow. We're getting there.

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I can't sleep at all. My anxiety is crushing me. I'm so tired and my mind is racing. I can't stop thinking about being lonely, being scared, and stressed about my exam. I'm suffering from this anxiety. I don't want to study anymore. I don't like this. I just want a hug and to cry or something. Studying makes me so angry because I hate being judged. If I fail I look pathetic and stupid. A failure. It's so embarrassing. The shame would kill me. 

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On 3/7/2020 at 1:19 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm severely allergic to dogs so I didn't go

Don't you have any allergy pills lying around then? I mean, there are a lot of dogs in the world. It'd seem prudent to me to keep some on hand. I have the same thing with cats, though. It starts with wheezing, sneezing, coughing and tearing up, then stuff swells and shit hits the fan even more if I touch a cat or it brushes against my legs, pants or even a backpack that I then take home with me. But I don't get angry at my friends if we hang out at places where there's cats. If they like'm, sure, good, their life, their needs and cares. I don't get to destroy all the cats in the world, so I have the responsibility to deal with them somehow. But I just don't touch'm and I pop a pill and enjoy the fun at friends'. It seems like a bit of a shame to skip the whole get together because of something that could be solves with antihistamines, no?

Edited by Phoenixking
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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Don't you have any allergy pills lying around then? I mean, there are a lot of dogs in the world. It'd seem prudent to me to keep some on hand. I have the same thing with cats, though. It starts with wheezing, sneezing, coughing and tearing up, then stuff swells and shit hits the fan even more if I touch a cat or it brushes against my legs, pants or even a backpack that I then take home with me. But I don't get angry at my friends if we hang out at places where there's cats. If they like'm, sure, good, their life, their needs and cares. I don't get to destroy all the cats in the world, so I have the responsibility to deal with them somehow. But I just don't touch'm and I pop a pill and enjoy the fun at friends'. It seems like a bit of a shame to skip the whole get together because of something that could be solves with antihistamines, no?

You didn't read what I wrote. I wrote that medication doesn't help and I still get asthma and will need to be hospitalized. I even wrote how people say just take a pill. I even wrote it's not the allergy symptoms, it's the asthma and the allergy pills don't help the asthma. 

Come on. 

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Ouch, yeah my cousin is allergic to dogs and if there's one even in his vicinity he's a goner. I have a vivid memory from when I was a kid of us being at the airport for some reason and he had to be whisked to the hospital because a dog wandered by.

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32 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

Ouch, yeah my cousin is allergic to dogs and if there's one even in his vicinity he's a goner. I have a vivid memory from when I was a kid of us being at the airport for some reason and he had to be whisked to the hospital because a dog wandered by.

It's terrible. If I'm near one for less than 5 minutes my throat starts to close and I won't be able to breathe. It's worse with cats. I did allergy shots for 12 years and medication for asthma and allergy for 20 years and I'm still very allergic. 

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This is a great podcast for the Coronavirus facts with an interview with Michael Osterholm. An internationally recognized expert in infectious disease epidemiology. He is Regents Professor, McKnight Presidential Endowed Chair in Public Health, the director of the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy (CIDRAP), Distinguished Teaching Professor in the Division of Environmental Health Sciences, School of Public Health, a professor in the Technological Leadership Institute, College of Science and Engineering, and an adjunct professor in the Medical School, all at the University of Minnesota. Look for his book "Deadliest Enemy: Our War Against Deadly Germs" for more info.:

 

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You said something very valuable recently. You have this mindset where you can only do one thing for a very long time and it is hard for you to take breaks and get the thing out of your mind. This causes anxiety. It caught my attention because this compulsive behaviour concerns me too. 

I wonder how can you break this approach to be more relaxed about succeeding? Why don’t you trust that you will easily pass this test? What happens if you don’t pass? Can you take it again?

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9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

This is a great podcast for the Coronavirus facts with an interview with Michael Osterholm. An internationally recognized expert in infectious disease epidemiology. He is Regents Professor, McKnight Presidential Endowed Chair in Public Health, the director of the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy (CIDRAP), Distinguished Teaching Professor in the Division of Environmental Health Sciences, School of Public Health, a professor in the Technological Leadership Institute, College of Science and Engineering, and an adjunct professor in the Medical School, all at the University of Minnesota. Look for his book "Deadliest Enemy: Our War Against Deadly Germs" for more info.:

 

Epic! Downloaded it and will listen today ^^

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6 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

You said something very valuable recently. You have this mindset where you can only do one thing for a very long time and it is hard for you to take breaks and get the thing out of your mind. This causes anxiety. It caught my attention because this compulsive behaviour concerns me too. 

I wonder how can you break this approach to be more relaxed about succeeding? Why don’t you trust that you will easily pass this test? What happens if you don’t pass? Can you take it again?

I can take it again and nobody will care. I just feel like I'm wasting time by failing. I have an issue where I regret the time spent on video games. I try to find something enjoyable but I don't enjoy anything besides climbing and hockey really. I sit for hours trying to figure out what to do. Now I have to study, which I don't want to do at all. 

The fact that I'm angrily trying to find a way to enjoy life combined with the anger required to study I have become duely frustrated and upset over this. 

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I finished the longest portion of the studying. I feel a lot better now. I am gonna try and finish the easy 2 sections over the next week and then wrap up the night portion of the exam over 2.5 weeks. This will let me just do practice problems for 2 weeks before the exam.

This morning was kind of annoying. I woke up 2 hours before my alarm and I was thirsty and had some stomach issues from a poor diet the night before. I closed my eyes and just dreamed about an animated porn I wanted to create. This annoyed me because I couldn't sleep. I was just aroused and closing my eyes all morning. I didn't relapse or watch porn though. I know that watching porn during daylight hours is bad because I'll get very depressed. I had a good day at work as well and finished 2 projects.

I then met with my friend and got more resources for my exam. I feel a lot better because now I don't need any more references. I officially have everything I need. I talked to my dad for an hour after and just relaxed before studying. I think I have so much mental fatigue after work that it's nice to relax for a bit before studying.

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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