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BooksandTrees

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Today was nice. I got more stuff done on my projects. I also woke up earlier and got to work earlier so I could leave earlier. I came home, made a lot of food, had a good meal, studied for 2 hours, and watched hockey after. I feel a lot better about today than I did yesterday. Much more energy when I got home than yesterday. That's the result I wanted. I'm gonna keep it up.

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I find myself pretty depleted of energy today and depressed. My tendency is to get angry to pull myself out of it, but I'd like to avoid that also. 

I'm just tired of each weekend going by where I'm alone. I dislike how the people around me aren't depressed and I am. 

It also angers me how a lot of women in my life settle for pathetic losers. I just feel like my chance is coming. I shouldn't be angry either. They deserve any downfalls that result from their decisions and it doesn't affect me either way. 

Another 3 friends of mine are getting engaged. I'm excited to go to their weddings alone as per usual lol.

I don't want anyone responding to this post. I'm just writing it to write it. Just let it stand. 

Edited by BooksandTrees

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22 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm not practicing standup. I just thought of some funny stuff that I think would be good material. MIght just use it in a podcast. I am not doing yoga because of my rib injury.

I didn’t know you’re podcasting? That sounds like a fun hobby. Sorry about your rib. It’s good to hear you’re finding an outlet in your comedy. What’s your work like lately?

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I was feeling down after today. I felt very isolated and alone as I wrote above. I decided to make dinner instead of going out and getting junk food. After that I decided I wanted to watch a movie. I found 50/50 on Netflix and thought it would be a great fit.

This movie was excellent. The acting was amazing, but the premise hit me hard. I related to this character in so many ways. He's unable to express himself emotionally with emotion. You might say that I can express myself well, and I can, as you can tell from my long, well thought out, in-depth posts. There is a difference. How I bury my sadness with anger. How I dissociate from my feelings of vulnerability through a third person perspective and logically explain what I'm feeling and what is impacting it. 

That's great, but I prohibit myself from crying or feeling emotional pain. I had felt it for so long in life that I viewed it as weak, uncharacteristic of someone like myself. Pathetic and shameful. I feel like you should always be able to explain, defend, fight, and talk in times of high emotional stress. I did this because I used to cry and not be able to speak my mind and I was abused because of it. So I took a hardened turn and became hateful. I turned to hate and anger in times of sadness, vulnerability, and pain. 

Through this anger I have isolated myself from the world. I socialize, have friends and am very popular. I am alone. I let nobody in. I am always performing for others. I am not vulnerable in its entirety. I relate to others by talking about difficult things, but I do not allow myself to feel and trust.

The movie is about a man named Adam who gets cancer. He has a girlfriend who is the typical beautiful woman who is self centered. She's nice to people to portray an image of being a perfect instagram social influencer. I picture a woman at work who I hate in all her entirety because they're one in the same. They speak about "energy" of a room or environment and try to swell through the life energy of the earth to bring them balance because they need it and deserve it. They pretend to listen to your problems, but don't care. They have brainwashed themselves into thinking "I listened to their problems. I am such a good person. I'm now going to hold a glass of tea between both hands and feel its warmth. I'll smell the tea and just let it fill my soul because I deserve this and I'm great."

They're fake. These people are fake. Astrology is fake, birth signs are fake bull shit with people just trying to be spiritually interesting. Just trash. The movie portrayed Adam's girlfriend, Rachel, so perfectly that it left me emotionally angry at this woman I know in real life, but vindicated because her description is the movie is my description of her in real life. It brought comfort to me.

Adam has to tell his mother, with whom he has a difficult relationship with because he feels smothered by her. She's overbearing. She wants to protect him and care for him. He never lets her and she just can't control her emotions. She becomes angry, embarrassing, and hysterical almost when it comes to anything with helping him. 

This reminds me of my relationship with my mother. It's well documented in many of my pages how difficult my life with my mother was last year during my time of emotional crisis. Adam realizes she's alone and acting that way because her husband has Alzhiemers' disease. She can't communicate with anyone and her life is miserable.

"The best part of my week was taking you to your chemotherapy appointment."

This reminds me of my mom. She gets me so angry I want to smash everything in sight and scream bloody murder. I'm almost 30, have a full time job, live on my own, no real problems. That's childish. I also have empathy for her as she was abused for decades, treated poorly at work, and was just trying to survive in her own way. 

Adam's inability to feel and express love towards his mother is the same with me. It's only until Adam's in the hospital waiting for surgery where he finally breaks down and cries and tells her he loves her. In that moment she stops being frantic. She calms him down and treats him with respect, with authority, and protection, the way he truly wants his mother to be with him. He had a small percent chance of living through the surgery and it took that much pressure to break his walls down.

This was intense for me. I want the same thing from my mom. I want her to just protect me and be there for me. In her great deal of pain, loss, and suffering she doesn't have that emotional stability that I seem to want. There are so many nights where I just want a hug and to feel better from it. But her frantic lunacy makes me want to crush everything and become irate. Knowing how this prophecy plays out I just get angry before any engagement happens. Because of this knowledge of how our conversations play out I have grown increasingly detached from her. If I don't have feelings for her then I won't care.

But that's escapism as well. I used to hide in video games due to emotional neglect from my parents. I sought gaming for emotional connection with friends because I was so alone. I then turned to porn because I can see women on there and having them care for a man. Many women have "daddy issues" and many men have "mommy issues". It stems from childhood and grows into adulthood. 

Things are getting better with her. We haven't argued in months. I haven't gotten angry at her in months. We're meeting tomorrow for lunch. I think we both just needed time away to heal. We're learning to appreciate each other now and I'm learning to tear away the walls a bit and allow a bond.

The second dynamic I wanted to highlight was Adam's relationship with Rachel and his developing relationship with Katie, his cancer treatment therapist. 

Adam's relationship with Rachel ends when his best friend, Kyle, catches her at an art gallery kissing another man and cheating on Adam. He takes a picture of it and exposes her to Adam. She selfishly tries to defend herself by describing energy issues and other crap that she never communicated with Adam. She would sleep with the other guy during Adam's chemotherapy treatments and not pick him up after they were done, often leaving him behind for several hours waiting. Even when she came back to get her stuff from his apartment she didn't ask him how he was doing. She just started describing how her art shows weren't going well and that she wants to get back together with him. She says some general nice things, but it's to check boxes for her to convince herself she's a genuine person, when she's not. A self-centered narcissist. 

This is where Katie comes in. Katie is purely genuine, caring, and delicate. She's a new doctoral student and Adam is one of her first patients. He can't connect with her at all and often lashes out at her when she's being nice to him.

It reminds me of me. When there's someone who is genuinely being nice to me I don't know how to deal with it. I just want to yell at her to get away because something inside my heart says to trust her, but my anger tells myself to fight my heart, so I lash out and become stolid and quick to end conversation to avoid further pain.

Through multiple appointments they become closer. After a while Adam has a conversation with Kyle while they're drinking. Kyle says he hates all of Adam's girlfriends because they're so needy. All of them are needy, self centered, and suck the life out of everyone and everything around them.

Once again, I relate entirely. The only women who I have emotionally connected with are attention seeking, self centered, fake, not genuine, and offensive. It has made me feel like I can never fall in love nor would I ever want to fall in love. It's instilled a hatred within me almost. A firewall. 

The next time Adam sees Katie he mentions they broke up. After a great time together Katie mentions that not all relationships are bad. Sometimes there are women who care and are genuine. They're not needy. They're real and equal. They share their burden with you and share your burden with them and appreciate the trust and show love and value.

Adam falls for women like Rachel because he can keep providing them support in ways he can never get. It's like how some people only help others because they want help from others. When people in an argument say "I don't want to talk about it." but they really just want to talk about it. 

Adam doesn't believe someone will provide the same commitment and happiness to him that he gives to others. He's cynical and often thinks nobody cares about him. Adam makes fun of Kyle and gets angry at him. He gets angry at his mom, Rachel, and Katie. Rachel was deserved, but when Kyle, Katie, and his mom offer to help him he often cuts them down because he's convinced himself that they're just using him to progress their lives.

He thinks Katie is just being nice to him so she can write a good thesis about his cancer prognosis and get her doctorate. He thinks Kyle only hangs out with him so he can use him as a wingman to have sex with women at bars. He thinks his mother is just using him to take out her frustrations from having a miserable life.

That's where this movie is beautiful.

You see the movie through Adam's eyes. Before Adam has surgery he gets drunk with Kyle. He freaks out after they drink and tries to kill himself. Kyle saves his life. Adam calls Katie and tells her she'd make a great girlfriend and reveals he's having surgery. She slightly opens up to him even though they both know they like each other.

Kyle and Adam get back to Kyle's apartment where Kyle has a book in his bathroom titled "Getting Through Cancer Together - For Friends." This is important for two reasons. The first reason is Kyle used Adam's cancer prognosis to get a bookstore employee's number. You see this through Adam's eyes so you think his friend is using him for pussy. The second thing is you see this through Adam's eyes. You realize with Adam that Kyle cares and is trying his best to be a good friend for Adam. It's at that moment Adam truly loves his friend Kyle for the person he is.

Another moment like this is when Adam's mother reveals she's going to group therapy each week for mothers of children with cancer. The viewer finds out through Adam's eyes once again that his perception of her is wrong. She isn't using him. She loves him and he finally accepts it. My mother isn't using me to make her life better. She actually loves me and has sacrificed everything for me to the point of her own misery. It's so painful to watch because it's like watching my life.

Adam lives through the surgery, keeps his friendship, and gets Katie as his girlfriend. It's a great movie. It has made me realize that I assume too much about people and am so negative. I'm so very negative and it hurts so much to see. I have convinced myself that everyone uses me. I have no real friends and family. No such thing as love because women only want to use me. I have become Adam. 

It's funny because in the beginning few moments of the movie Adam gets his cancer diagnosis. He asks the doctor how he could have gotten cancer because he doesn't drink, do drugs, or exposed to anything bad.

Symbolically, if you look at what I mentioned above with him convincing himself the world is terrible and people are terrible, he has honestly given himself cancer. No, he doesn't take any substances or anything, but he's poisoned his heart with these false notions about the ones he surrounds himself with. It's only until he learns to love Kyle, his mom, and Katie, that his cancer surgery is a success and he lives a happy life.

I loved this movie.

On another note, this movie made me cry tonight. I lost a very close friend 4 years ago to the very same form of cancer that Adam had. I didn't know how to deal with it. I cried once for a little, but I forced myself. I then buried it with anger. I hated how she was so misunderstood by her family. They got some cheap priest to say nice things about her at the funeral that had nothing to do with her. She loved video games, cartoons, anime, life, traveling, and more. He said she loved sports and her family. It killed me to see how little her family understood her.

Her "husband" treated her like shit for so long before they started officially dating. Sleeping with her roommate, being a fake person, and finding a girlfriend within 3 weeks of my friend's death. I couldn't feel sad at her death. I was so angry at her family, her husband, and her unfair hand at life that she had to die at 24 years old. It wasn't fair. 

4 years later I watched this movie and I started to cry very hard. I allowed myself to cry. You can prevent yourself from crying if you get angry enough when you feel the flush of emotions fill your sinus cavity between your eyes and your nose. This time I released and did not get angry. I miss her very much. She was such a fantastic person and was a real friend to me. A type of friend I feel so proud to have had. I didn't appreciate her enough and feel bad about that. It makes me think how I don't appreciate a lot of my friends and just hate them because I'm alone in my house and think they're off being happy without me. That might be the case with some, but not for all. I have to remember that.

I think tonight I've healed a little from her death after 4 years. Maybe I love my mom more as well. And maybe I believe I can date this girl I really like. My time is coming. My perspective must change.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. You can comment on this one. I was just in a bad mood earlier. You still can't comment on that other one though.

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Hi- 

 

Wow thank you for sharing. I would like to watch the movie now, as it seems to illuminate relationship dynamics so well. 
 

I am so sorry for your pain. Childhood trauma and neglect are pervasive and affect the way we engage in all our relationships. 
 

You were not able to cry as a child, because of neglect and it’s absolutely devastating. You wear a mask because this is what you have to do to survive. 
 

But it’s ok. Ok to cry and feel whatever emotion comes up. Everything you feel is valid and needs to be fully expressed. 
 

I see you my friend. 

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First of all, I think that Icandothis is right: Eveything you feel is valid and needs to be expressed. And I think that this is important, otherwise you will find other, sometimes more painful ways to get it out.

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

They're fake. These people are fake. Astrology is fake, birth signs are fake bull shit with people just trying to be spiritually interesting. Just trash.

I see what you mean here and why you would call them fake. But I have the feeling that you are very negative when thinking about these people. Did you make some bad experiences with these people or where is that coming from? Something that I see with those "perfect" instagram influencers, is that they are trying to create a picture of themselves. They want to be seen in a certain way. But isn't this something, most people try on social media? Only posting the positive stuff. Only presenting themselves at the beach or with friends? Using the amount of followers or "friends" as a measure of fame and success? This doesn't mean that they are bad people or self-centered per se. They are trying to find a way to understand this life for themselves? Sure, there are also black sheep and people, I really don't like, but I think overgeneralizations can be a trap sometimes.

 

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Many women have "daddy issues" and many men have "mommy issues". It stems from childhood and grows into adulthood. 

This is something, modern psychology is not focusing on that much. Sure, your childhood is incredibly important, but it does not have to define you for ever. For instance, the Freudian idea of the oedipus complex is overrated. People emphasize more the neuroplasticity of the brain. You can still define, who you want to be regardless of your past. I know, not entirely, but to a certain degree.

 

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

because I'm alone in my house and think they're off being happy without me. That might be the case with some, but not for all. I have to remember that.

That is basically me. I am still often alone and have this feeling that other people are having fun outside. But this is also not necessarily true. The same, where people are presenting themselves on social media, in a similar fashion their "happiness" with see in the real world is also only one side of the coin. But I guess, despite knowing that, it can be hard to really relate this to your own life. In the same way, where I have to deal with my "irrational" fear of rejection.

 

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think tonight I've healed a little from her death after 4 years. Maybe I love my mom more as well. And maybe I believe I can date this girl I really like. My time is coming. My perspective must change.

so beautiful to read those words. I hop you can sustain this perspective and create momentum with it. 🙂

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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Astrology is fake, birth signs are fake bull shit with people just trying to be spiritually interesting.

I was literally just thinking about this. I instantly think less of people who talk about their horoscope or how astrology is 'totally a thing because they're a pisces and they've never gotten along with a libra'. Another example of dogmatic religion. It's not any different from any religion. Just another bunch of people claiming they have the answers, the truth to life and how you should just trust them and therefor shouldn't have to bother with fact checking. Makes me want to retch.

 

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That's childish

Kind of. But also be nice to yourself. We all have limits. My SO is going through depression and refuses major help or therapy because she keeps proclaiming that she's 26, has a Master's degree and a cool full-time job. She's not the victim of abuse, not an addict, has no money issues, nice friends, is in full physical health and therefor has nothing to complain about. She considers her problems childish and refuses to seek help because it'd be an unwarranted cry for attention in her eyes. You've been going through a lot man. You've grown so much. Don't expect yourself to instantly be an incredibly mature person and an emotional zen master. It's cool to see some holes in your behaviour and be aware of them and try to make amends or improve. But also don't push it. If you bite off more than you can chew, it's going to cause more problems rather than solve some.

 

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Things are getting better with her. We haven't argued in months. I haven't gotten angry at her in months. We're meeting tomorrow for lunch. I think we both just needed time away to heal. We're learning to appreciate each other now and I'm learning to tear away the walls a bit and allow a bond.

Epic man! I'm so happy for you! Great strides!!

 

And I'm so sorry for your loss. What happened to your friend and the circumstances surrounding her life and death sound horrible... I hope you find peace with it one day.

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Thank you @Icandothis, @Alexanderle, and @Phoenixking for the kind and in depth responses. I was compelled to write such a long piece and it was therapeutic to write. I appreciate that you took the time to read such a long piece as well. 

I'm happy that I can relate with each of you and appreciate the specific quotes that you took notice to highlight and identify with. Recovery is so often the identification of pain and learning to heal from it and deal with emotional triggers that addiction tendencies tend to cover up.

Why do we game, drink, watch porn, have too much sex, fight, hate, do drugs, manipulate others, and binge tv? They're all ways our brain has identified to heal our pain, trauma, loneliness, neglect, abuse, shame, regret, and more. They're tools to help escape. 

This long process of healing is so arduous, but rewarding. I'm going to hit 500 days next weekend and I'm still learning so much about myself.

I'll continue to share and listen to yours as well. 

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Today I'm 71 weeks free from gaming. I had a difficult day today because I had to study for my exam, but forgot my calculator at work and I started panicking about buying a new one. 

The calculator only costs 25 dollars. I can't use Google or my phone's calculator because I need to simulate the test with the standard calculator. 

I get anxiety from spending money now because of how expensive 2019 was for me. I lost money with all the moves, job retreat, eating out, vacation, expensive rent, car repairs, and surgery. The fact that I had to spend another 25 freaked me out because it reminded me of my stressful year. The result was me watching porn 2 times.

Porn makes you very tired so I slept a lot after and didn't study well. 

The good things that happened was my mom visited and we got lunch together. We had a good time. I told her about the movie I watched and how it mirrored our relationship as mother and son. I apologized to her for being so angry at her for the past 20 years in depth. 

She then bought me the calculator I needed and I felt very relieved after. 

I then took a nap because of the porn effects and eating too many calories at lunch. 

I woke up and immediately needed to watch porn again but I stopped. I watched a 30 minute video again about the adverse effects of porn on your mental health and pulled of it. I was able to have dinner, do laundry, and clean. 

Loneliness and my exam has made me relapse more than anything else. None of it is arousal. I haven't had anything to arouse me. I've compiled a list of people I can speak to at all hours of the day to keep me company when I'm lonely whether it's in person or on the phone. I'm avoiding discord and the computer because those online communities are triggers for video game relapse. This website is too slow and not addicting so it doesn't bother me.

I've also decided to commit to studying and reward myself for solving problems. This will lessen the anxiety I have towards studying and not knowing the answer. I've also talked about my strategy for life after the exam. 

No more mandatory work after work. I can finally date without fear of the woman ruining my study habits or me only wanting to be with her and using her as an excuse to not study. I will also get a major raise and more exciting projects at work. I'll have less responsibility outside of work and can focus on my hobbies again. I'll also be able to save up for a home and buy one next year. These tests cost thousands of dollars. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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On 2/28/2020 at 8:47 PM, Erik2.0 said:

I didn’t know you’re podcasting? That sounds like a fun hobby. Sorry about your rib. It’s good to hear you’re finding an outlet in your comedy. What’s your work like lately?

I'll think about releasing it. It's purely comedy related. Nothing inspiring or inducing reflection. I haven't done any hobbies recently due to studying. I need to quit porn and finish studying before I return to 3d modeling. I want to create porn with it and it's causing me to relapse. I know I'd make great scenes, but it's also disgusting, embarrassing, and humiliating to even admit. 

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I've been very irritable today while studying. I take frequent breaks. The stress of learning is making me want to watch porn and I'm struggling immensely. 

I feel like I need to watch porn more than anything in the world. It will make me feel better. 

Upon further analysis I'm not aroused. I'm stressed from learning and the pressure to learn quickly so I can pass my test in 60 days. 

Take a deep breath. You have 60 days. It doesn't take 60 days to learn a problem. It takes about 30 minutes.  Porn is just a drug to soothe your stresses. It won't help and it won't help in the future when learning hobbies. 

Breathe, drink water, step outside. No relapse. You have beaten addiction and can do it here. 

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@BooksandTrees Yes, porn is just a drug. It's good in the short term, then it gets worse and worse until it's not fulfilling at a all. At least that was my experience with it. If you don't want to do it anymore I wish you the best of luck nofapping. Thanks for commenting on my journal. It's understandable that you'd be tempted to use 3d modeling to make porn with what you're going through right now with craving porn. If it's meant to be it'll work out. What're your list of things to do instead if you feel craving for porn?

Edited by Erik2.0
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12 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

@BooksandTrees Yes, porn is just a drug. It's good in the short term, then it gets worse and worse until it's not fulfilling at a all. At least that was my experience with it. If you don't want to do it anymore I wish you the best of luck nofapping. Thanks for commenting on my journal. It's understandable that you'd be tempted to use 3d modeling to make porn with what you're going through right now with craving porn. If it's meant to be it'll work out. What're your list of things to do instead if you feel craving for porn?

I get out of bed or leave my room. I drink water. I step outside. I try to talk to someone. I talk myself out of it. I take a shower if it's at night. I'll listen to music.

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I managed to study for 8 hours today. The first 3 hours I suffered intense porn cravings. It was getting to the point where I was audibly yelling at my book in my room. That's so embarrassing. I went from several walks. I studied for 8 hours within an 11 hour period. Just frustrating overall.

I spoke to my dad and friends about studying and stuff and managed to get back to studying. I just did problem solving the rest of the night and actually had fun. I really enjoy problem solving. I just dislike sitting through the online lectures because they can move slowly and I get anxious about how much time I have to spend studying. But I feel better now. I think I'm ahead of where I intended to be even with me not studying on Saturday due to anxiety attacks and porn symptoms.

I also managed to only eat 1450 calories today. I'm trying to lose weight for summer. I'd like to lose 20 pounds or so and it should only take 8 weeks for it to happen if I eat well. The test is in 8 weeks also. Maybe by then I'll be in better shape and pass the exam. That's the hope.

I feel better and I'm looking forward to studying tomorrow. I feel like I could study for another 2 or 3 hours, but it's late and I want to get home early from work tomorrow to study and not binge study like I used to binge my gaming and porn. I need to do this with balance and a healthy sleep schedule.

 

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Tonight is difficult. I started to feel nauseous out of no where and I'm freaking out big time. I'm very afraid of being sick so I'm having lots of anxiety about it.

I'd very much like to relapse and watch porn to clear my mind. I'm just praying right now. 

I hate how there are random days where I think about sickness for a brief moment and then hours later I might feel Ill. 

Does my mind have a hunch? I wonder. 

I really wanted 8 hours of sleep tonight but that's not looking like a reality. I need to fight and stay strong. 

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I came home very tired. I made a healthy dinner to stay under 1500 calories again.  I watched tv to relax my mind a bit but ended up watching it and then watching porn. 

I'm too tired to study and don't want to study post 9pm.

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Looks like you had a pretty tiresome night. It sounds like you'll be okay health wise. I have some ideas for you. There's a book that might help you sleep better called 'quiet your mind & get to sleep'. Also when I was struggling a lot with nofap I started sitting and meditating on God's presence. Now I do that every morning and night for a little bit and it really helped me nofap. I don't know if you're religious or what religion you practice, but maybe doing that or something similar might help you.

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On 3/2/2020 at 9:00 PM, Erik2.0 said:

Looks like you had a pretty tiresome night. It sounds like you'll be okay health wise. I have some ideas for you. There's a book that might help you sleep better called 'quiet your mind & get to sleep'. Also when I was struggling a lot with nofap I started sitting and meditating on God's presence. Now I do that every morning and night for a little bit and it really helped me nofap. I don't know if you're religious or what religion you practice, but maybe doing that or something similar might help you.

I don't know. I believe in God in my own way and have my own relationship with God. I just don't believe in practicing with an establishment because of reasons I don't wish to share. I'll consider it or something like it.

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I had a much better day today than yesterday. I think I was burnt out from studying yesterday and had a long day. I got angry at myself because I knew I wasn't gonna study so I decided to numb my mind and watch porn a lot. Today, I got right out of bed, ate breakfast, and went to work. I got a lot done and then relaxed outside in the sun for a bit while it was warm. I then went to therapy, grocery shopping, and made dinner.

I got home with only 2 hours before bed. I watched hockey and relaxed. I'm gonna get to work early tomorrow and have a good day of studying after.

I'm getting stressed by some of my coworkers. They goof off way too much and are very annoying. It's 4 of them who just don't work 8 hour days, goof off, and distract everyone. It's becoming frustrating to work there.

I also hit 500 days free of games today.

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Today was another good day. I got a ton done at work. My therapist is right and I've let the stress from my coworkers make me eager to relapse and watch porn at home. It's not all my coworkers. I love the office and my managers. It's just certain people being very loud and unproductive in the office that make it a less peaceful environment to work on stuff.

I'm trying to eliminate this stress by letting myself know that none of that is in my control. Did I do my work that day? Yes. Did I progress the projects? Yes. Did I help make the work environment better by being helpful, friendly, productive, and clean? Yes.

Then that's all that matters and it's all I can control. Don't make management a responsibility when I'm not management. 

When I get home I can sit there and breathe a bit. Do some cooking. I can stare at the lake and watch the waves move up and down to help me zone out and break the tension from the day while breathing.

This exam is over in 6 weeks. I just gotta study 16 hours per week for 6 weeks and it's over. I got this.

No porn in 2 days. I'm trying another strategy that I did with video games. I used to convince myself that I couldn't game during the week or because I was studying. It helped me not think about playing. I can do the same with porn.

Gaming took me 10 years to really quit. I've been trying to quit porn for 6. I know it's gonna be a struggle but I can do it.

I wanted to add I studied for 2 hours tonight after writing this post and got all of the questions right on my practice exam. Feeling confident.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I wanted to add I studied for 2 hours tonight after writing this post and got all of the questions right on my practice exam. Feeling confident.

I look forward to seeing you keep making progress, dude! Keep rocking it! You're doing great!

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Thanks guys.

I had another stressful day at work because of people doing strange things to limit productivity. I freaked out in the morning, but settled down and just realized it's not worth freaking out over. I got my stuff done and had a good day.

I was very tired after, but I still came home, listened to a great podcast while cooking, and made a full dinner with meal prep for the next 3 meals. I followed that up by studying for 2.5 hours.

The one bad thing was I forced myself to watch porn so I could relax. I wasn't even really craving it. I just did it out of nowhere and instantly regretted it, breaking my 3 day stint without it. 

I'm finally noticing trends, though. Stress from work is getting me in the mood to relapse.

Listening to podcasts and music helps me calm down after work. I think this will be a good way for me to settle down. It also diminishes my porn cravings. I honestly just forced myself to watch porn. I didn't crave it once tonight. That's something I'll need to learn from.

I was supposed to hang out with friends tomorrow, but I didn't realize it's at my friend's house with 2 dogs..................

I'm allergic to dogs and he told us where we'd meet at the last minute today after planning this for 4 weeks. I'm not happy about it. I'll probably skip and study instead. We'll see.

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