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talon32

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About talon32

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  • Birthday 06/21/1993

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  1. Day 3 Smaller post today, but I finished my provincial exams for Life Insurance licensing! Once I get my marks back and I pass, I can start helping people save money for things they want to do. It's definitely a good feeling getting stuff done that means something rather than playing a game. Made a mad scientist dip for pepperoni from Mayo, little mustard (seed kind), some sesame oil and a little honey. Wasn't too bad actually 😄 Anyhow, it's getting easier to ignore games, probably because I played them on obligation for so long too. So here's to seeing what the rest of the week holds.
  2. It is, but in my personal experience, unless I stop playing the game I don't stop buying packs until I have no money. It sounds like a compulsion to me, so continuing to play the game causing your compulsion buying is like an addict that has a stash in his house even though he's clean. Unless you get rid of the root cause of your buying compulsion, it's going to tempt you every single time. Obviously I can't tell you what to do, but if you feel as strongly about it as I think you do, you're in need of dramatic changes. But it's up to you how to approach this. Whatever the case you'll have the support of the community.
  3. I really appreciate everyone's comments, and it's really helped put some things into perspective for me. Day 2 So yeah, day 2.... I played a game, but oddly it didn't feel like a compulsion and it didn't make me feel good. I felt nothing, and I think that's the problem. I'm beginning to see the real reasons I crave video games. It's been my crutch for years, because rather than dealing with my feelings I bottled them up and hid in games. I'm happy I played a game today, or I wouldn't have learnt probably the most important thing about this whole ordeal. Instead of being something to enjoy, it became my crutch, my painkiller and my anesthesia. So I have a new goal today, and once this is all over, I'll try games again. I also discovered something about the games that I crave, and I never noticed it before. I don't starve for games like The Witcher 3, TES: Skyrim, or anything like that. I crave a game like Runescape, Eve, FFXIV. That moment you reach a goal and your friends all yell their congratulations, is my drug and my crutch. How did I discover this? I talked to my mom, told her I wanted to try playing minecraft to see how I felt. So I did, by myself, and when I reached a goal there was no one there to say congratulations, no feeling of accomplishment. What does this mean for me? I believe I've tied my own self worth to what other people say and think about me, and that thought makes me sick. I think if I was younger I wouldn't be discovering these things so fast, but it also means I've lived my entire life more concerned with what others tell me than what I believe myself. I find the fact I require another person to applaud my accomplishments, instead of being proud of myself to be the worst kind of self betrayal. And I can't live with that anymore. What does this mean for my future? Well, this time away from playing games will give me some perspective. I'm going to start taking up hobbies I used to enjoy, so I'm going to start writing, biking, hiking, etc again. Slowly starting to convince myself that I can be whoever I set out to be and that I don't need to coast through this process. I want to feel every day of this process, attacking the feelings that will make me fall. I want to live a life I'm proud of, not base it on what others think of what I've done. I believe this is going to be the best and worst 90 days of my life, and that's okay. Because I want to see the person who comes out on the other side of it. ~Alex P.S - Anxiety is the Radar and video games are the Radar Jammer - That's a nice way of looking at it, because I see now that it's all too true in my case.
  4. Okay...... now that I can breathe again... thanks for that.... I agree with you, it's tough being single. But I find if I'm not happy single, how can I bring happiness to someone in a relationship? I personally need to be so comfortable being me that even if I'm single, it doesn't matter to me. Because I know who I am and what I want. Granted this girl may seem like all that for you, but you can never judge a book by it's cover.
  5. @ceponatia Thank you for the reply, it means a lot and I appreciate it. Day 1 Alright, so this officially sucks........... Just gotta let that sink in. So today I got up knowing I can't play any games, and withdrawals and cravings started immediately. So I can say with absolute certainty that I'm addicted and need to be consistent with this journal and the 90 day detox. But what I'm really thinking in my head is "fuck me sideways, this is gonna be a long ass haul". Part of me is determined to do this, and the other is saying "you've been safe in gaming, so don't stop now". I'm writing this now instead of later because I'm really feeling a desire to play even Minecraft or a single player game... But I can't keep ignoring all the negative things it's doing to my life. And I'm seeing changes already; I haven't made a life changing decision for awhile, and today I managed to book my provincial exams to get my license for Life Insurance, Accident and Sickness and Segregated Funds + Annuities. This job is commission based, but I get the opportunity to change peoples lives. I can help them reach financial goals and plan for a comfortable retirement. It's a small step but it's a step in the right direction. Thinking about it now, I've spent hundreds of hours on a game to get ONE "feelz gud" moment, and my decision today gives me a sense of actual accomplishment. I'm probably going to study my GED book once I'm done writing this, before I cook dinner for my parents. I can't remember when I stopped enjoying it, but I used to love cooking. So hopefully today is the start of me remembering all the things I used to enjoy (so I should probably get a chess board). My mom is being really supportive of this and is trying to find stuff for me to do so I don't play games again for 90 days at the minimum. The weather outside isn't helping and I'll be adding pictures after I post this since they're on my phone. Thinking about it now, I have to ask myself how much is my time worth to me? Because I'm sure 90% of you feel undervalued at your job; but I came to the realization that it's not true. We undervalue our own time by playing video games in excess, personally I feel my time is worth $40+/hr and not just from work, but in every aspect of my life. I need to treat my time as something special now, where games have no place because they bring no value to my life - they remove it in every way you can think of. But tomorrow I'm expecting to feel a little better, I might even go buy a book that I need to read again, since I have 2 copies of the second book in the series (like wtf?). P.S: I'm getting body twitches and paranoid from not playing a game... More reinforcement that I need to see this through. ~Alex
  6. I'm new, but this is just my opinion. I believe sex probably has a high chance of being a crutch for you now, because it's about instant gratification and not building a relationship. While I haven't read all your posts, I want to take the time to do so, but so far I agree you can do better. Not just in a relationship but also in regards to you mentioning you may be addicted to sex now, which is effectively trading drugs for alcohol or vice versa. Not telling you what to do, but please be careful. People can be so much more than they think single (while not sleeping around). And I'm close to being licensed in the financial services industry as well, just gotta book my provincial exam.
  7. When I was little after my parents divorced, I was at a babysitters house, and I didn't eat all my breakfast. I remember it so clearly because it was my first dose of gaming. I wanted to watch the Disney movie Alladin with my older sister, but because I didn't finish my breakfast, I was forced to play a game on the computer. I think that was the start of this butterfly effect. I was around 4 or 5 at the time. But it wasn't until some years after this - now that I'm older - I remember the addiction taking hold. Being young, around 8 at this time, I had no idea the effect it would take on my life. At age 12, I fell in love with Runescape, being able to explore a world and be myself was intoxicating, at that time I spent at least 3 hours a day playing games. A few years later, I was sent to live with my father, who had one rule; "It's my way or the highway", we could do drugs, party and drink and it's fine. When I moved back in with my mom a little while later, we moved to Penticton British Columbia. At this point my life was filled with depression and anxiety from my childhood, from being molested by my friend when I was 8 to being bullied at school my whole life. I know people say they have the best mom, but I truly believe I do, she worked four jobs to put food on the table, and even though she found out about my depression late, she tried to help. I'm 16 at this point, steadily stopped going to school and playing video games 18 hours a day, that was my life for the next four years. My mom got remarried when I was 20 and I was told I had 6 months to find a place to live, as you probably guessed I spent any money I had on pizza/junk food and video games. Eventually I had a place, but lost my job. I lived on a 5 year old bag of bacon bits and a jar of nutella for a month. When I finally moved, I was living with my sister, and we have never gotten along, so video games became my life again when I wasn't working. I recently lost a job last October because I called in sick at least four times a month, and I'd play games in that time. I'm about to lose my car because I don't have a job that pays enough now, but I do like it. And today was the day that 26 year old me decided to google "why i stopped playing video games". I usually watch videos while in the bathroom, and I have no idea what made me decide to search that, but I believe subconsciously I know if I keep playing games, I'll be dead before I'm 30. I'm trying not to cry writing this, I suppose it's good I'm not writing on paper or it'd get wrecked. But I'll be 30 years old in 3 1/2 years, I've wasted nearly 25 years of my life on games, and what do I have to show for it? Major depression + anxiety and constant suicidal thoughts. But I'm tired of this, I remember having near perfect grades in school before my addiction took off like a hurricane. The school district used me as a baseline to check for genius level intellect in kids my age and older. I had these ideas that one day I'd be able to fly or have x-ray vision - and it's exactly what you think it's for. I loved mountain biking and being outside, the most peaceful moments of my life were going for walks with my mom at night, just looking up at the stars while walking. I wish I could moderate my game usage, but like an alcoholic who can't have another sip again, I may have to say goodbye to games permanently. I suppose I'm writing this to the boy who found life and people were an impassable mountain to deal with, and hid away in games. But I think I found the spark of creativity and limitless imagination you once had; so I'm going to protect it, nurture it, and watch it grow again. It's okay to feel pain now, you need to deal with 23 years of it in not a lot of time. You need to rely on the people you keep pushing away and the ones who want to help you. You need to make new friends and I genuinely hope this is the place to start. I can't let you decide my future anymore, you need to grow. I will protect everything you once were, kind, creative, energetic, loving, empathetic and more. But being afraid to live is as good as being dead, and being like that for any longer will kill you. This is my story, the first two paragraphs are for everyone, the last is a message to the me who hid from the world in games, so he doesn't forget why we're doing this and how important it is. ~Alex
  8. I know people tend to do longer intros, but I'm just gonna put it into my journal. I think I'm going to try the 90 day detox, but have no idea where to start. Anyways, I'm Alex, and I've been addicted to games for almost 23 years. I'll be turning 27 in June.
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