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d.manuk
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I’m currently visitIng my grandma in Canada. 
I went to the gym today and am working on a painting. So far, it has potential to be good. I’m already reading a book by the CEO of Microsoft, but it’s pretty boring. I find most books to move very slowly and not give a lot of important information. It’s mostly just people rambling instead of being concise. Maybe that’s why I like fantasy novels if I read at all. At least they have some action. 

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2020 is going to be a year of metamorphosis.

I will do what I want, and do things to my liking. I will focus on bettering myself, and grow to be my best self yet.

I’ve always wanted to try sleeping on a shikibuton, but my boyfriend didn’t want me to. Well, now I will have my own apartment so I will try it. So what if people may not want to have sex on it? It’s for me to sleep on, and I don’t care about what they want.

I will focus on my job, my body, and my art this year (in that order). 

232356B5-3126-4918-AB2F-C2DD94270D78.jpeg

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I'll be moving in 5 days.

I'm so nervous about all the things that might go wrong with the move. I'm going to be living alone and I'm going to have to take care of everything myself. I read some bad reviews about the building I'm about to move into, about how the walls are paper thin and you can hear your neighbors. So I'm scared about what if they're true? I thought it was nice when I visited but now I am worried. I also think it would be inconsiderate to tell my friends about this because they're already bummed that I'm abruptly leaving the city and there isn't much they can do other than say "it'll be alright."

Just typing this last sentence out reminded me of my favorite of all time, Cardcaptor Sakura.

mantra.png

I feel a lot better now. I guess this is the magic power of journaling. If you think everything will be alright, it will turn out to be that way. That is Sakura's greatest magic spell. 😊

I'm sure I'll be all right!

- - -

By the way, what are video games? I feel like this journal is no longer in any way related to gaming.

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12 minutes ago, Shine Magical said:

I'll be moving in 5 days.

I'm so nervous about all the things that might go wrong with the move. I'm going to be living alone and I'm going to have to take care of everything myself. I read some bad reviews about the building I'm about to move into, about how the walls are paper thin and you can hear your neighbors. So I'm scared about what if they're true? I thought it was nice when I visited but now I am worried. I also think it would be inconsiderate to tell my friends about this because they're already bummed that I'm abruptly leaving the city and there isn't much they can do other than say "it'll be alright."

Just typing this last sentence out reminded me of my favorite of all time, Cardcaptor Sakura.

mantra.png

I feel a lot better now. I guess this is the magic power of journaling. If you think everything will be alright, it will turn out to be that way. That is Sakura's greatest magic spell. 😊

I'm sure I'll be all right!

- - -

By the way, what are video games? I feel like this journal is no longer in any way related to gaming.

You're going to be ok. It's going to be tough at times. Boston is tough in the winter. Apartment struggles happen everywhere, especially if you've read my journal where I had to move 3 times in a year. But you will have to look at your actions to give you strength. You're out of a toxic relationship and ate pursuing a life for yourself. Not many people do this. You can always find a new apartment in time as well if this doesn't work. You might meet someone and develop a roommate situation, even if they're just friends, not saying a relationship. 

It's ok to be afraid, but it's also ok to believe in yourself and know you're walking the right path. 

I also just journal here. I haven't struggled with video games in a year. Keep posting. It's good for you I think. 

Good luck with the move. 

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I've been laughing so much for the past 20 minutes. It's just too fucking funny! 🤣😂 Tears are coming out of my eyes its so funny. I'm dying lmao.

Today's my last day in NYC, I'll be getting up at 5:30AM to get the uHaul. I spent the day today with my best friend,  now my favorite thing about NYC. I can't imagine that at one point I thought my ex was my best friend and that she was second in my life? Crazy. We had vegan Buddhist Korean food, sang karaoke, and did an Escape Room (with 15 minutes to spare). I will miss her a lot, but she said she'll come visit me and I'm sure I'll come visit her too.

Anyway, the funny news is that my ex just got diagnosed with an STD. It's my last day ever in NYC and already his grand plans for a highly sexual open relationship is slapping him in the face with reality. He's such a naive and stupid dumbass. It's really just so funny. What a way to go out and make me feel like I'm making an excellent decision while he's stressed and freaking out and potentially rethinking the decisions he's made over the past few years of taking me for granted. I can only hope I don't get an STD as well during my search for a new boyfriend. I think its best for me to be single for a while... hopefully I can find a fwb situation that will evolve into a relationship down the line because we like each other so much. 😊

I'm still laughing a bit. LOL

Fuck you Mike, you fucking subhuman worm. Way to waste my life and make me feel like shit throughout the process. I'm sure you'll end up with what and whom you deserve.

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3 minutes ago, Shine Magical said:

I've been laughing so much for the past 20 minutes. It's just too fucking funny! 🤣😂 Tears are coming out of my eyes its so funny. I'm dying lmao.

Today's my last day in NYC, I'll be getting up at 5:30AM to get the uHaul. I spent the day today with my best friend,  now my favorite thing about NYC. I can't imagine that at one point I thought my ex was my best friend and that she was second in my life? Crazy. We had vegan Buddhist Korean food, sang karaoke, and did an Escape Room (with 15 minutes to spare). I will miss her a lot, but she said she'll come visit me and I'm sure I'll come visit her too.

Anyway, the funny news is that my ex just got diagnosed with an STD. It's my last day ever in NYC and already his grand plans for a highly sexual open relationship is slapping him in the face with reality. He's such a naive and stupid dumbass. It's really just so funny. What a way to go out and make me feel like I'm making an excellent decision while he's stressed and freaking out and potentially rethinking the decisions he's made over the past few years of taking me for granted. I can only hope I don't get an STD as well during my search for a new boyfriend. I think its best for me to be single for a while... hopefully I can find a fwb situation that will evolve into a relationship down the line because we like each other so much. 😊

I'm still laughing a bit. LOL

Fuck you Mike, you fucking subhuman worm. Way to waste my life and make me feel like shit throughout the process. I'm sure you'll end up with what and whom you deserve.

Good shit. Told you that this was a great decision. Keep up the good perspective on things and move forward. 

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I’m feeling very good. Everything went well with the move except for 2 things: I chipped my favorite table, and also my favorite 2 plants died on the trip up here.

 

But I’m happy with the apartment and I’m going to be done unpacking tonight. 

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I’ve had some mild cravings to play league of legends the past few days. Amusing.

I think it’s because I can’t do art half the day because I don’t own a lamp yet and 1 room really needs one. 
I also haven’t been eating normally I think it’s because I am stressed about everything that needs to be done in my apartment and also because the grocery store is far from my apartment and I don’t have a car. I’m only eating half of what I normally do and I woke up at 4am today really hungry.

I’m sure I’ll get more adjusted soon.

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Shine Magical, have you moved to live in a rural area? Judging by the fact that the nearest grocery store is far away.

It is something I am considering. When I see the countryside I get a lot healthier.

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1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

Shine Magical, have you moved to live in a rural area? Judging by the fact that the nearest grocery store is far away.

It is something I am considering. When I see the countryside I get a lot healthier.

The nearest grocery store that is fully stocked is a 13 minute walk away. To me, that is a lot since I used to always live <5 minutes away or had one in my building in NYC. That can be a lot especially if you have more than 4 big bags. I'm used to shopping only once a week.

 

I live in Malden which seems to be a suburb of Boston. I consider it to be a small town. I like it a lot though, it is nice and quiet. A big difference from growing up in NYC.

Edited by Shine Magical
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I am honestly having no cravings right now but it is only my second day so if I was you because of past experiences of cravings I would get out of the house if you can and that should prevent you from playing league of legends. Also for the not eating I know it is hard to swallow but I used to be the same way. I was super depressed to the point of I would eat once a day if that. I eventually when meal times came around and I told myself I wasn't hungry I would honestly force myself to eat. It is just your mind playing tricks on you telling you your not hungry but your actually starving. Just start eating when you tell yourself your not hungry. You will become much healthier believe me.

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On 12/4/2016 at 9:49 AM, Shine Magical said:

1st pic is a commitment to a minimalist apartment. I like how empty rooms look and so the goal is to have an apartment that almost looks empty :P

2nd pic is something I want to do. I want to try growing moss even though its hard to do indoors, I also bought a small quartz crystal bunch so that it would look like that picture.

3rd pic is my goal for writing my fantasy book that I won't work on until after I pass my test.

4th pic is from the anime Cardcaptor Sakura, which has a main theme of believing in yourself because everything will be alright.

5th pic is from the newer Cardcaptor Sakura series, which shows that I will stay true to myself and follow my passions even if others think they are silly or weird.

6th pic is the designation I am aiming for, my test date is March 21st!

Here's an update on my vision board from wayyy early in my journal:

Since this apartment is completely under my control it looks pretty minimalist like the picture. I also just bought a bidet for my toilet hehe.

I think I also deserve a checkmark for #4, I was extremely stressed before moving (had bad breakouts) but I pushed through it and did my best with the help of Cardcaptor Sakura. I'm less stressed now but I think it will take another week to settle in.

Capture.thumb.png.f37216c7d980a8a0bd3e95985335e2cf.png.6f9aeef80d040230c2e0d2b7bc701984.png

 

Also here is an update to my net worth, you can see the effect my 1 year of unemployment has had when I stopped working in Nob 2018. My 401k account was deleted and so was the history and that's why there's such a huge jump at that time but there's screenshots earlier in my journal if you are really curious:

1.thumb.png.115f3c9500b808db243aafcb0621f5cd.png

 

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I’ve been having a lot of sex with different people since I moved, usually 2 per day. It’s so easy to get and I’ve been substituting it for finding ways to make friends because it’s easy (and because I’m living alone for the first time). All I’ve really done is unpack and have sex in the week I’ve been here. 

I’m probably mildly addicted just like with gaming. I don’t even know if this is better, it might be worse than gaming since I could get an STD. Not sure. It is fun to connect so intimately with new people and have them tell me I’m good looking even though I don’t feel that way. It’s also a good workout.

Edited by Shine Magical
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I'm new, but this is just my opinion. I believe sex probably has a high chance of being a crutch for you now, because it's about instant gratification and not building a relationship. While I haven't read all your posts, I want to take the time to do so, but so far I agree you can do better. Not just in a relationship but also in regards to you mentioning you may be addicted to sex now, which is effectively trading drugs for alcohol or vice versa. Not telling you what to do, but please be careful. People can be so much more than they think single (while not sleeping around).

And I'm close to being licensed in the financial services industry as well, just gotta book my provincial exam.

Edited by talon32
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I agree with @talon32, try to mix some better hobbies in there. You don't want to trade game addiction for sex addiction. Don't want to cross into the realm of giving advice about things I don't understand so I'll leave it there. It sounds like you're doing awesome apart from that so you're definitely on the right track!

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When I got into a relationship with my ex boyfriend 6.5 years ago, I went into the relationship knowing I wouldn’t be fully sexually satisfied. I’ve actually had sex with a lot of people in my life, mostly when I was young (about 300 by now?). He was quite mediocre at it, not very flexible, not very intuitive, not very passionate, not very perceptive, and not very creative. Overall, he’s about the middle of the pack when it comes to my experiences. I knew I was compromising on being sexually fulfilled going into our relationship but thought it would be fine since he was treating me nicely. But once cracks started to appear in our relationship I lost all sexual interest in him, because I felt like I was doing him a favor by sleeping with him. I’m usually better looking than him. He probably knew it too, and that’s why he was spending so much money on me. I’m going to make sure my next relationship has a stronger foundation. Most of the sex I’ve had in the last 3 weeks has been much more enjoyable than with my ex. 
 

I don’t think I’m necessarily addicted to having sex at the moment. I do think I have some pent up desires as I was always pretty sexual outside of this relationship, and me living alone for the first time is just a perfect way to explore my sexuality. I need to end up dating someone I’m truly hungry for. My goal is to find a friend with benefits that will eventually turn into a boyfriend.

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I took a quick skim through your posts (keywords "sex" and "boyfriend"), because I am interested in the female perspective of things. Below are some observations and a bit of my own past.

Just commenting on your last three posts, I'd hazard a guess you need to work on or at least stabilize your sense of self-worth and self-confidence. You get complimented on looking good while you think otherwise. I'd think the guys just throw you this line to get you to have sex with them (not that it would be needed from what you wrote), but it's fascinating that deep down you know that sentence means nothing. It takes a bit of self-worth and self-confidence to actually deny casual sex than to accept it (because you know you can do better over the long run).

I'm as sexual as they come. I broke up after 9 months of a relationship. I had my last sex almost a year ago now. Two months ago I moved to a new place, closer to all the city life, like seminars, parties etc. and I was wondering how would that affect me.

Soon enough, I got a bit tipsy and at one party, I wound up with one girl, mutually touching and kissing. I felt pretty good about myself the next day, just because I haven't had this connection in a while. But the day after I realized that if I were to be truthful and responsible towards myself, I had to at least write her whether it was a mutually enjoyable fling for the evening, or whether it was the beginning of something serious. I just got blocked afterwards and hence I do not hold any respect for her anymore. Period.

It's a good thing that you noticed that though. When I quit gaming, I realized I am not as introverted as I thought I was. I also started finding more men to hang out with, simply because the same sex is more solid for friendships, as there is no sexual tension for me. Hobbies are great for that.

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Hi,

 

I think you are doing fine. I feel like as women, we get judged for having sex with multiple partners. And perhaps we put that guilt onto ourselves?

 

Please be safe and cautious of course. And please try to find a bit of a community where you live. Maybe the local gym, studio, park, community center?

 

Congrats on your move. This is a huge change and will take you a while to get settled in. Be gentle with yourself. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

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Every day that goes by, I'm happier to be away from my ex. He was just so ungrateful of the life I was offering him, and overall just such a mess. I hope his life turns to shit in the same way that I imagine it will. I mean, how else can your life turn out if you're drinking every day and doing coke and jerking off to people in diapers? Omfg! 🤢 Loser. I think this will be the last time I mention him, in my journal or otherwise in my life. It's time to move on! 🤗

 

I ordered a king sized bed and it will arrive next weekend. Once it gets delivered, I'll be able to have more guys over and have threesomes. 😆 I'm excited, I've only done it once.

This weekend I spent a lot of time cleaning my apartment and doing assorted chores. Things are harder are the house when you're the only person around to do them. I'm 90% settled in.

 

I upgraded my phone plan from $30 to $50. The reason was so I could use hotspot internet. I got tired of not having internet at home, mostly for spotify and browsing the web on a larger screen than my phone. The hotspot is only 3G and so slow though. But I'm nervous about my budget and don't want to have too many high recurring and ongoing expenses. Also, I want to spend less time in front of a screen... even if that means I'm just having sex instead. Wow, my journal lately has just been sex sex sex. And so has my life I suppose.

I also got the hotspot internet to reaffirm my commitment to no gaming. Even though its so extremely slow that I can't even download anime on it. It can just play songs and browse the internet lightly. I've been craving League of Legends occasionally since I haven't been social and only been doing chores around the house.

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I will conclude that I am grateful and appreciative of most of my time with my ex. I don’t think he meant for things to turn out this way or make me feel so hurt towards the end. I am still a bit upset about the fact that after 7 years we called it quits, but it’s better than the alternative. Breaking up with someone of that long of a timeframe is a slow process of the relationship unraveling. It isn't a sharp pain, but rather a deep pain that bruises rather than bleeds. We had a lot of fun experiences together and I will miss not having that kind of dynamic with another lover for some time in my life, but I think I’ll be able to do it again in the future with someone else. I want to find someone similar to him in that regard, but also someone that is more open, honest, and ethical. If he had been that way, our relationship could have survived. But I was given a rare chance to experience a different kind of life, and have a lot of new and different experiences that were positive and the negative ones gave me insight into what I deem important in my life.
 

Thank you Michael!

Edited by Shine Magical
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I met with an old coworker last night and it was nice to catch up. She told me I looked really good and cute, better than when she had last saw me, which was really nice. I usually don't believe it when people say that but I believed her haha. I have been working out more consistently since last I saw her and even though I have the same work clothes I am filling them out a bit better I think. I have a little bit of acne this morning but I am trying not to let it get me down based on what my coworker said. It was the first time I really socialized in the past few weeks so it was nice. I'm going to attend a few meetups later this week and also I have a date tomorrow. I'm trying to get my social life back on track!

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I’ve been thinking about League of Legends occasionally. I’m also very annoyed with how slow the 3G internet is. I may just end up buying regular internet for my apt.

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27 minutes ago, Shine Magical said:

I’ve been thinking about League of Legends occasionally

i hate that part  , i quit LOL two weeks ago and i didn't play a single game but i can't tell you how many times i performed airblade in my head , how many insecs i did in my head . but every time i think about it i just open game quitters and see what people share or simply i look at what i wrote to remind me why i quit at the first place .

i am trying to resist and fill my schedule to not have anytime to think about LOL

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  • d.manuk changed the title to d.manuk's journal

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