d.manuk's journal

[d.manuk]

I worked out for 2 hours today! I ate a big dinner last night after my workout, which gave me enough energy today to finish my regular workout and also do the rest of yesterday's workout that I didn't have the energy to complete. So I did 1.5 workouts today ?

I'm very happy with how that turned out.

I'm currently doing my laundry. Will do my best to do more things and pack before I go to sleep!

[Hmmge]

You seem very motivated, I like the vibe, keep it up and have fun on the trip!

[d.manuk]

I own 14 plants now. I owned zero at the start of January! It really complements my minimalist apartment and helps round it out. They clean the air so at least they are functional in addition to looking nice.

I went on my trip to Taiwan and Hong Kong. Taiwan was really nice... Hong Kong was gross.

I've been drawing a lot more lately. I've been getting people to pose for me and then we can also have a conversation while I paint them.

I've also come to realize the importance of using social media in relation to having friends. It's important to seem active and social from the outside in order to attract more people into your life, and social media is a way to do that. So I've started using my instagram (again). I deleted a lot of older pictures and am starting fresh.

Edited May 5, 2019 by Shine Magical

[Sapuverell]

2 hours ago, Shine Magical said:

I own 14 plants now. I owned zero at the start of January! It really complements my minimalist apartment and helps round it out. They clean the air so at least they are functional in addition to looking nice.

I went on my trip to Taiwan and Hong Kong. Taiwan was really nice... Hong Kong was gross.

I've been drawing a lot more lately. I've been getting people to pose for me and then we can also have a conversation while I paint them.

I've also come to realize the importance of using social media in relation to having friends. It's important to seem active and social from the outside in order to attract more people into your life, and social media is a way to do that. So I've started using my instagram (again). I deleted a lot of older pictures and am starting fresh: @davidmanukjan

Glad to hear that. I'm impressed if someone tells me he went to Taiwan or Hong Kong, just wow!

I'm not really a huge fan of social media. I mean it has some potential I see that, but there is a risk of spending to much time, caring to much about others feedback and so on, I'm sure you know them. Are you having them under control? I'm just asking and I wanna say that ral friends and relationships are probably still better for us. Even though they are rare.

Greetings!

[d.manuk]

@Sapuverell I only spend an hour a week on Instagram according to screentime... usually on the toilet or waiting in line somewhere lol. ? I don't like it that much, I spend more time on reddit where I can learn something.
 

[d.manuk]

I’m very happy with my life now. Earlier on in this journal I had listed hobbies I was going to pursue more and I’ve kept at it and I’m starting to see some rewards for my efforts. 2 of my art pieces will be displayed in an art exhibit next month. I actively perused and made 2 new friends and I’ve been organizing a lot of hang outs with my friends (if I don’t, we won’t hang out lol). Progress in my art has been really slow, the rewards are a lot lot slower than in gaming. I’ve been getting more serious about it lately, and one of my friends is an artist and I try to have her over at my house once a week where we just create art together all day. It’s really helpful for both of us and it’s pushing us out of our comfort zones and keeps us accountable to each other. I think this is the secret sauce for me not to relapse in gaming or drugs and I am placing a lot of stock into that relationship, though my friend may not be that aware of it. I have no desire to game or do drugs at this moment in my life because I’m happy and have a lot of fun things I’m pursuing. 
 

 

I feel very proud of my progress.

Edited October 20, 2019 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

Today, someone made a blog post and in one part of it attacked something I had said over a month ago... and posted it on my favorite forum. He was also in a position of power.

Although I don’t know the person, this bothered me a lot. I’m very sensitive...

I decided to quit the forum, since the person wasn’t reprimanded. I don’t need that kind of energy in my life or to be a part of a community that accepts people acting that way.

[BooksandTrees]

23 minutes ago, Shine Magical said:

Today, someone made a blog post and in one part of it attacked something I had said over a month ago... and posted it on my favorite forum. He was also in a position of power.

Although I don’t know the person, this bothered me a lot. I’m very sensitive...

I decided to quit the forum, since the person wasn’t reprimanded. I don’t need that kind of energy in my life or to be a part of a community that accepts people acting that way.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I do think if you enjoy that forum then you shouldn't leave. If it brings you happiness and community interaction then I think you should just block them and move on, even if they have power. I've had experiences like that where people bother me and I just block them and move on. Even on this website I've blocked 3 people. Just because we all want to heal doesn't mean we're all good people (this website), and just because some people enjoy a certain form of entertainment doesn't mean they will like each other (your other forum).

I hope you feel better soon and I am happy with all of the progress you've made in the past three years on this website. You've been an inspiration to many people who are trying to make the long commitment to self improvement and having a better life.

I'd take some time and consider returning to that forum if it really is an important place for you. You deserve happiness - don't punish yourself for something they did by annexing yourself from a society you enjoy.

[d.manuk]

On 11/1/2019 at 10:52 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I do think if you enjoy that forum then you shouldn't leave. If it brings you happiness and community interaction then I think you should just block them and move on, even if they have power. I've had experiences like that where people bother me and I just block them and move on. Even on this website I've blocked 3 people. Just because we all want to heal doesn't mean we're all good people (this website), and just because some people enjoy a certain form of entertainment doesn't mean they will like each other (your other forum).

I hope you feel better soon and I am happy with all of the progress you've made in the past three years on this website. You've been an inspiration to many people who are trying to make the long commitment to self improvement and having a better life.

I'd take some time and consider returning to that forum if it really is an important place for you. You deserve happiness - don't punish yourself for something they did by annexing yourself from a society you enjoy.

Thanks, I will think about what you said over the next few days.

The forum is very small, only about 20 members that post on a regular basis though there are other people that also post occasionally. So having issues with a large percentage of the active user base isn't the best environment.

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Shine Magical said:

Thanks, I will think about what you said over the next few days.

The forum is very small, only about 20 members that post on a regular basis though there are other people that also post occasionally. So having issues with a large percentage of the active user base isn't the best environment.

Ah, ok. That makes more sense. I wasn't sure if it was like a Reddit forum with a few hundred people or something.

[d.manuk]

Someone recently posted about how my journal inspired them, and I was very surprised. To be honest, since this journal is so long I didn’t expect people to even bother reading it at this point. As my journal has gotten longer and longer, I noticed that the number of people commenting on it drastically decreased because it’s more of a time commitment to catch up to the present. New journals tend to get the most comments, which is exactly what should happen since they need the most support. Although I don’t need external validation at this point, I will admit it does feel good knowing I’m not only talking to myself on here. ?

 

I finished this art piece just in time for the cutoff deadline for the exhibition. It’s in a different style than what I’ve done in the past — a little more aggressive with the colors and I chose not to use any ink to outline which gives it a less cartoon-y feel. 
 

I haven’t done any social activities in more than a week other than with my boyfriend, and I am starting to really feel it. Luckily I have plans to go to a drawing meetup group tonight.

[d.manuk]

This is a big period of change for me.

 

There's a possibility I'll be getting a job in Boston, in which case I'll break up with my boyfriend of 6+ years and live alone for the first time and in a different city for the first time in my life.

I decided to give up drinking tea for meditation and ceremony, which was a big part of my life, for optimal health reasons. So I got rid of a lot of things related to it and it felt like I was giving away a big part of my existing life. I'm trying to just concentrate on other parts of my life instead.

I had some acne on my face and was embarrassed so I didn't hang out with friends as often as I wanted to, which is very important for keeping me happy and engaged in my life.

 

And so, for the past few weeks, I have felt very very very very small urges to play games. But I have not given in and have fairly easily redirected my thinking.

Some good things that happened recently: I went to a concert of my favorite band that only tours once every 4 years and it was really good, and I threw a party with 3 of my friends and we did art and then I made dinner and went out dancing for a short while.

Edited December 15, 2019 by Shine Magical

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Shine Magical said:

This is a big period of change for me.

 

There's a possibility I'll be getting a job in Boston, in which case I'll break up with my boyfriend of 6+ years and live alone for the first time and in a different city for the first time in my life.

I decided to give up drinking tea for meditation and ceremony, which was a big part of my life, for optimal health reasons. So I got rid of a lot of things related to it and it felt like I was giving away a big part of my existing life. I'm trying to just concentrate on other parts of my life instead.

I had some acne on my face and was embarrassed so I didn't hang out with friends as often as I wanted to, which is very important for keeping me happy and engaged in my life.

 

And so, for the past few weeks, I have felt very very very very small urges to play games. But I have not given in and have fairly easily redirected my thinking.

Some good things that happened recently: I went to a concert of my favorite band that only tours once every 4 years and it was really good, and I threw a party with 3 of my friends and we did art and then I made dinner and went out dancing for a short while.

Are you ok with breaking up with your boyfriend of this length? That's a pretty interesting statement and a very difficult change. I live near Boston if you need recommendations for restaurants/locations to visit and just general travel advice (traffic is horrendous during rush hour. Possibly the worst in the country and the drivers are insane).

[d.manuk]

Yes I am fine with it, I think I may have mentioned some of the problems with my boyfriend in my previous journal posts somewhere but probably didn’t go into too much detail. I actually hope I get the job, I feel ready for a big change and I want to be out of the “transition phase” I’m in now while awaiting their final decision.

 

Boston is a lot smaller and quieter than NYC so my quality of life would only get better, and I would be taking public transit anyway.

Edited December 16, 2019 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

I didn't think 2019's "RELEASE" theme would mean a release from my imperfect fitting relationship. ?  I will try to journal more often in the upcoming weeks to try to help sort out my feelings about this situation.

 

I told my boyfriend I was going to accept the job and that we’d be separating after all. He hadn’t fully thought it would happen but I guess the reality hit him today when I accepted the job offer. I should be starting the job on February 1st and by that point I should be settled into the new city. I’m scared about the future, because my boyfriend made 5x more money than me and heavily subsidized my somewhat luxurious lifestyle that I've gotten used to. I’m really thankful for everything my boyfriend has done for me, except some of his unethical behavior that I can’t overlook. I was always a bit uncomfortable with the financial situation though, and felt like I didn’t deserve to have much of a voice in the relationship as a result. I’m going to go from living in a luxurious 2 bedroom and being able to save almost my full 401k contribution to moving into a very crappy studio (if I can even find a place cheap enough that I can live alone in). It seems that instead of being stressed about relationship issues, I’ll be a little stressed about money. I wonder which one will be more stressful? I wonder what my life will look like. Will this be something I regret in the future? I’m going to go from being an upper middle-class young adult to a typical poor millennial. I hadn't cooked in the past 3 years and now lately I've been cooking every day. But I'm a person that can find joy in simplicity. I just need to make sure that I have a strong handle on my negative feelings, since when the go unchecked I get very very negative.

 

Here are some plans I have for my apartment:

I will not have internet connection (to save money but also to focus on my art)

I will focus on working out, cooking, and making art. I don’t think I will have money or time to focus on anything else. I think I will start by doing yoga for the first month of my job to see what my budget will look like as a single person.

Find some friends that like to make art

 

Looking at my things, I wonder what I can really take. I have a huge table and a king size bed that I bought for us, would a studio even be able to hold both of these things?

 

I was considering sleeping on the floor, but Boston is very cold compared to NYC and I think the floors will be too cold for me to experiment with this.

 

I’m scared, but determined…

[d.manuk]

I've never lived on my own before. I hope I can find a studio to live in rather than living with roommates. I went from living with my very poor parents to living with my boyfriend. We've been together for over 6 years and I've grown accustomed to him. At first, I felt like a peasant that had been saved and made into a princess... but for the past 2 years I've felt more like a sex worker and it's felt less and less worth it.

Here's an artwork I made for my friend's birthday. Tomorrow I'm going to tell my best friend I'm going to be moving to Boston in a month...

[BooksandTrees]

Good luck with the move. Boston is very expensive so be prepared. It's not as bad as NYC or LA, but it's up there. 

[d.manuk]

My New Years resolution for 2020 is to reduce my environmental footprint.

 

I will start with reusable produce and shopping bags, and also better educate myself about recycling. I don’t know very much about recycling and I am learning that some of my good intentions have been actually harming the overall system.

[d.manuk]

Reasons we are breaking up

 

We want very different futures

I want to live around quiet nature and have a simple life

He wants to live in a big city and show off how much money he has 

He likes to eat very fancy meals with 8 courses where you need to wear a suit and tie

The only fancy food I like is sushi and Japanese food, and you don’t need to dress up for those and is still more casual

He drinks alcohol every single day and doesn’t think he has a problem

I don’t drink alcohol at all

He is very impatient and can get angry when things don’t go his way right away, it makes me uncomfortable. He seems like a stupid baby.

He doesn’t know how to relax. I love to relax. I always have to hurry around him. Even when we’re walking, he usually walks far ahead of me because he doesn’t want to slow down his walking pace to match mine and I don’t want to run after him all the time.

He wants to own a lot of stuff, and I do not.

He likes to be distracted and doesn’t really appreciate the present moment. Even when we hang out he is on his phone texting friends. 

He wants to be in an open relationship and have sex with other people. I do not.

He isn’t someone that has very close relationships with other people. Instead, he has a very large amount of people who are acquaintances that he can’t have deep conversations with. Even him and his best friends don’t seem that close, but they might just be acting differently around me. Even with me, I was learning big things about him 6 years into the relationship and I was his closest friend.

He wasn’t ethical with me. He cheated on me multiple times, and didn’t really think it was a big deal and that I should get over it after a week or two. He seemed to think that I should implicitly trust him and think he has good intentions all of the time, despite his actions. He lied very frequently. He believes that 15 minutes of most likely bad sex every few weeks with strangers is important enough to him to end our long-term monogamous relationship.

He doesn’t want to get married and I do.

He likes to do drugs like cocaine and I don’t. I want to live a sober life and be naturally high with others. My friends are the same way for the most part and I love their energy.

His friends aren’t very good people, all they seem to do is drink and talk about hooking up with other people. Without drinking being the main activity they do, they won’t have much to do.

I’ve just come to the conclusion that he is a worm that just deserves to be stepped on. What a disgusting person he’s devolved into, at least in my head. I hope this new chapter of my life will be as awesome as it’s appearing to be.

 

Things I will miss:

Being silly with each other

Having someone at my side that understands me very well

Him paying for nice dates (though I’ve realized that since it isn’t my money and I don’t have much control over what it’s spent on, I don’t really enjoy it and it’s more like a neutral benefit). Just having a mild sense of financial security That isn’t dependent on me is nice.

I think that’s it. There’s not much I will miss.

Edited December 28, 2019 by Shine Magical

[Icandothis]

On 12/26/2019 at 6:57 AM, Shine Magical said:

My New Years resolution for 2020 is to reduce my environmental footprint.

 

I will start with reusable produce and shopping bags, and also better educate myself about recycling. I don’t know very much about recycling and I am learning that some of my good intentions have been actually harming the overall system.

Thank you for bringing awareness to this.  I think this is an important intention that we should all have. 

[Icandothis]

Hi,

I am so sorry about the current break up with you boyfriend. Even though he is not a trustworthy, kind or compassionate person.... it is still hard to separate from someone after being together for so long. 
 

You deserve someone who can reciprocate your love. Someone who you can open up to physically as well as emotionally. A person who is loyal. 
 

Take all the time you need to grieve. You are such a beautiful person and you will get through this. Sending love and HUGS my friend.

[d.manuk]

Today my thoughts are: Thank goodness my life is on an upwards trajectory.

I watched a teenage romance movie about college and it made me regret all of my years gaming and smoking weed. Only in the past few months have I started socializing, and I’m about to restart all over again and going to have to find new friends which will be hard. I’m going to be 30 this year and I feel like I’m only starting to get a grasp of my life. 

I wonder if I’ll be able to have a sweet and innocent love.

[BooksandTrees]

15 minutes ago, Shine Magical said:

Today my thoughts are: Thank goodness my life is on an upwards trajectory.

I watched a teenage romance movie about college and it made me regret all of my years gaming and smoking weed. Only in the past few months have I started socializing, and I’m about to restart all over again and going to have to find new friends which will be hard. I’m going to be 30 this year and I feel like I’m only starting to get a grasp of my life. 

I wonder if I’ll be able to have a sweet and innocent love.

It's very easy to feel regret and guilt about gaming. I'm going to be 30 years old this year as well and I played RuneScape every day in high school, college, and after college somewhere for 6-18 hours a day. I'm good looking and never even tried having a relationship. I think about all the opportunities I wasted, etc. It's painful. 

It's also not worth feeling the pain of regret and shame. I think you can briefly look at it as a lesson that if you keep repeating the things you regret doing then you'll end up regretting your 30s as well.

Take some time to appreciate any lessons you learned about yourself during those past few years. I learned how to be an expert communicator, typist, 3d visualizer (I'm great at using autocad now) and I'm able to focus on tasks for an extremely long time due to comfort in gaming. It's made me incredibly good at my job and I've been able to make new friends, do well at work, and learn certain new hobbies.

I challenge you to look back at these years you regret and write a few sentences about what good it did for you. Write how you've improved in certain areas. I challenge you to change your mindset and look back at your past with positivity.

You will find sweet and innocent love in different ways if you look the right way and just keep living a life you enjoy. I sometimes think things are so dark and I listen to dark music and I get stuck. I then think I want fun things and force myself to listen to fun music and just laugh sometimes. It makes me think life is so fun and I'll meet someone who shares this smile one day.

You'll like Boston, trust me. We're kind of assholes here, the snow stinks, and people are bad drivers, but in reality that's everywhere. It's a very inclusive community once you find your way and you'll have fun. There are nice guys here as well.

[d.manuk]

Ways gaming improved my life:
I self-taught myself photoshop
I know how to download pretty much anything I want for free 
I'm faster on a computer than pretty much anyone I've ever met in the workplace 
I have good research skills on the internet
Efficient at tracking and also completing a long list of small tasks to do (quests). My life is very tidy. This can also be a con because it's mentally taxing to be hyper aware of everything that needs to be done.
Playing relatively obscure MMOs gave me very unique experiences growing up that helped shape my subconscious 
Did not fall into drinking or doing hard drugs since I avoided the party college life 
Playing League of Legends for a span of 6+ years made me more emotionally intelligent and helped me discern when it made sense for me to get upset 
More exposure to anime/Japanese culture
Exposure to a lot of different types of peoples' inner thoughts

[BooksandTrees]

8 hours ago, Shine Magical said:

Ways gaming improved my life:
I self-taught myself photoshop
I know how to download pretty much anything I want for free 
I'm faster on a computer than pretty much anyone I've ever met in the workplace 
I have good research skills on the internet
Efficient at tracking and also completing a long list of small tasks to do (quests). My life is very tidy. This can also be a con because it's mentally taxing to be hyper aware of everything that needs to be done.
Playing relatively obscure MMOs gave me very unique experiences growing up that helped shape my subconscious 
Did not fall into drinking or doing hard drugs since I avoided the party college life 
Playing League of Legends for a span of 6+ years made me more emotionally intelligent and helped me discern when it made sense for me to get upset 
More exposure to anime/Japanese culture
Exposure to a lot of different types of peoples' inner thoughts

That sounds like a much better list than regret and disappointment. Great job. This is an excellent assessment. Take a picture of this list and look at it whenever you start to feel regret. You're much better than that and never deserve to feel sadness, especially from yourself.